accessAtlanta

City & State or ZIP Tonight, this weekend, May 5th...
City & State or ZIP
City & State or ZIP Tonight, this weekend, May 5th...
City & State or ZIP

Will you wait 90 Days?

I decided to see the film Think Like A Man, despite my deep annoyance of the book that it was based on. The film was entertaining and had its funny moments, I also rolled my eyes a bunch of times.

I don’t enjoy game playing and dishonesty in dating and this seems to be commonplace on the dating scene. I found it interesting how people reacted to the 90 day wait for sex advice, though.

What’s the biggest problem men have with waiting 90 days? Is it easier for women to wait?

If you are interested in a serious relationship, would 90 days be a barrier or hurdle? Or a building block to something long term?

Did you see the film this weekend?

By Wise Diva, Misadventures in Atlanta Dating Blog

236 comments Add your comment

Lily

April 24th, 2012
5:52 am

Diva I decided to wait to see the film. I will say no matter how unbelievable it is for men to hear of ladies that believe in waiting, I don’t play by the rules nor do I panic because of the threat to leave……say no sex super early on. Its not about placing a ton of value on something apparently men no longer value and because they don’t, women are afraid to. It’s about myself as a person AND my body. You can’t wait? You are free to move on. It’s my life, my body and my principles. I’m not going to deplete my worth as a lady all out of fear. I have yet to encounter a man that had a problem with my being the person and woman that initially attracted them to me.

Ladies, we are the ones that teach men how to treat us. I wonder how much silliness will be heard on the topic? It’s not about leaving a woman because she failed to fit the norm or what maybe men are accustomed. It’s about respecting and allowing women to respect themselves. Please understand my use of the word allow. Because when it all boils down to it, it’s my body and I say when.

Lady~anchored!

April 24th, 2012
7:46 am

Morning MIA! Great post Lily~ I didn’t catch it either.

SlimUno...looking for my breakthrough

April 24th, 2012
8:36 am

Good morning,

My guess would be guys probably just think to put an exact amount of time on the puddy is stupid and juvenile…but don’t let me think for them. Personally, I would not put a certain amount of time on when we could get down to the nitty gritty. I would just do it at the point that I felt comfy enough to want to go there with you period. What happens if 90 days from the start, i still don’t want to get down with the get down with you? Especially, if you’re telling the guy that after day (insert number here) that we can get it on, then it’s just a build of to that particular event. It doesn’t mean he’s going to be anymore into you on day 90 than he was or wasn’t on day 1. In dating, my hope would be that the guy finds me interesting enough to just want to get to know ME on whatever level that is…then if we get to bump & grind, that would simply be an added bonus or another way to connect.

Don’t get me wrong, because I do see the ideology behind the 90 day rule…but (not to offend anyone here) it seems like that would need to be a rule for those who are usually quick to bed someone (just like Meagan Goods character in the movie)

SlimUno...looking for my breakthrough

April 24th, 2012
8:48 am

I wonder if we’ll get a man on here that has a 90 day rule? :lol:

Bob from Accounttemps

April 24th, 2012
9:07 am

@Lily: “Ladies, we are the ones that teach men how to treat us. ” If that’s really the case, then you shouldn’t be bothering with *any* rule. Why would you consider dating someone who doesn’t know how to treat you, let alone giving up, “your body, your principles…”?

Bob from Accounttemps

April 24th, 2012
9:16 am

By the way, if you told me to wait 90 days, I’d be gone. Not because I couldn’t, but because you then treat it like a commodity, an interview — and you treat me like a child that needs to wait, be patient and then get the reward. You turn something that should happen naturally into a transaction and yourself change what could be a meaningful relationship into a barter deal. It also tells me who (thinks) will be in control of the relationship – very telling when you want it to be 50/50 and an equal partnership — don’t you?

SlimUno...looking for my breakthrough

April 24th, 2012
9:34 am

Bob – I think the key is probably not to tell the guy he has to wait 90 days and just let it ride. By telling them about the timeline, it seems to put lots of focus on the puddy, of which women state they don’t want it to be all about the puddy. Interesting huh? lol

Robert

April 24th, 2012
9:38 am

I can tell within the first 5 minutes if I feel “passion & desire” for her (mentally and sexually) and time does not matter. I think men who allow a woman to tell them wait for 90 days are too young and inexperienced and probally should wait. Older, wiser men should use better judgement and respect a woman’s right to choose. No one wants to be a fool. Women feel the same way men feel and will express themselfs if they feel “passion & desire” for him regardless of how long they have known each other. The 90 day rule is for “Suckers” and “Bamas”

Lady~anchored!

April 24th, 2012
9:40 am

Chuckle Robert~

abc

April 24th, 2012
9:42 am

Sex and the City would inspire me to throw my TV off the roof; Think Like A Man would motivate me to not go near a movie theater for a month. Seriously, why on earth would anyone take Steve Harvey’s advice on stuff like that? What a clown suit.

SlimUno...looking for my breakthrough

April 24th, 2012
9:43 am

Robert – I’m all for calling folks “Suckers” but i’m from BAMA so tread lightly my friend. You don’t want this Bamian going Bama on yo arse ;-)

SlimUno...looking for my breakthrough

April 24th, 2012
9:46 am

abc – Well, I had heard about the 90 day rule prior to Steve’s book so with that said, what are you thoughts about the concept in general?

And with regards to the whole ‘game playing/playbook’ type deal in order to get a guy, just seems crazy to me. I have to play games to get a dude to be interested or to “Get the ring’…but what happens past all that? Is there going to be a part deux that gives you an advanced playbook of how to KEEP the relationship going?

disco

April 24th, 2012
10:06 am

Good morning folks. re men and the 90 day rule. I’m sure lots of men have their same variations on the rule. it may not be sex but chances are they are holding back something until a certain threshold is met. I won’t go into my theories on what that something could be but I’ve got a couple.

bob – in my opinion IT IS a commodity. one hot commodity.

SlimUno...looking for my breakthrough

April 24th, 2012
10:10 am

chances are they are holding back something until a certain threshold is met

disco – c’mon, do tell. It’s not like there’s so much going on in here as it is. Help keep me awake. Let me guess that one of those things would definitely be ‘meeting their peeps’. What else ya got? :-)

Lady~anchored!

April 24th, 2012
10:12 am

giving money Slim~ definitively a threshold

Willie Dynamite

April 24th, 2012
10:14 am

Morning All,

I am all for natural progression. When the time is right the time is right. I think more Mature Women learn that they are ready when they are comfortable. Giving something like that a steadfast timetable jUst cause is phony to me. I can and do understand and respect the fact of waiting until you are ready. However if after seeing and being around you and knowing that you are ready but you wanna wait 90 days is just a game. If that’s the case then I think I may just put the jersey on for a lil game then walk away a winner. Some Women tho do need an self imposed grace period.

Celisead

April 24th, 2012
10:19 am

Morning,

Peeking in between meetings…first since it was the first post of today, I LOVE what Lily said. I agree too with disco as men are not all in either. Most have said here on many occasions as recent as yesterday, even after smashing if they aren’t feeling it they aren’t committing. So, yes men withhold as well…just as not in the area of sex.

For me, it’s not about “withholding sex”, it’s about taking that step when I feel I’m ready. While I too am NOT a fan of Steve’s book, the thought process behind holding out is to not succumb to the pressue to please or not succumb to the feel good when FOR WOMEN so much more happens with sex is exchanged. Sorry if some of you men don’t get that. It’s not witholding sex it’s withholding…period until and unless you are as certain as you can be in feeling okay to dive in. Dive in meaning all of you. It’s just not good to dive in and then ask or think “what next” subsequently.

I have more thoughts but again I’m in meetings and will pop in later.

Celisea

April 24th, 2012
10:20 am

Sorry about the “d” on my name. I was placing a d behind “exchange” and didn’t realize I placed it behind my name in error and hit enter

Celisea

April 24th, 2012
10:23 am

Disco – I think you tapped into something….please put it out there. When I come back I expect to see you thoughts :) That was a very good point…I didn’t think about that.

kimmie

April 24th, 2012
10:35 am

Morning All!!

Like what Slim & disco have said. Disco, so intriguing, you are right, it may not be sex but dudes have “thresholds” too.

To actually tell someone you have an exact time limit on anything is extremely stupid in my book. I remember that episode of Girlfriends when Joan did that. It was pure comedy. Some folks really don’t have any sophistication about themselves if they have to make such pronouncements.

Bottom line, it’s all about when I felt comfortable going there with a dude and not a minute or day sooner. Real simple.

Mike P

April 24th, 2012
10:38 am

I don’t have a problem with the withholding part; I would hate if that same chick is giving it to someone else while withholding from me. In situations like that I’d give a chick two choices; bounce or be prepared for me to withhold from her for 90 days AFTER we’d become an exclusive item. But since this will never happen in the real world; I simply don’t date women who’s involved with others, period.

Guys do withhold from women too! and for damn good reasons.

Lady~anchored!

April 24th, 2012
10:41 am

So Mike P for those damn good reason why isn’t there an epidemic behind a man’s choice for withholding?!? I am trying to understand these last three to 5 years of the black woman and how to think more logically romantically and secure a husband?!? Share some reasons please sir.

Lady~anchored!

April 24th, 2012
10:42 am

Or does this topics begs the question to understand a man more (your mate) and meet him where he is for better dealings and results?!?

Willie Dynamite

April 24th, 2012
10:44 am

My opinion only. I think this whole concept is really just tit for tat. For the most part Men are better equipped to play that game. Men use their minds (logic) to protect their hearts. Women use their puddy to protect their hearts. The key is figuring out how to reconcile the two. Sure men have thresholds but usually they are personal to them for whatever reason. Men also as a group don’t place that much value on $$ being a threshold. If that were the case then prostitution would die out. Plus all except the dumb and juvenille know you have to pay to play in some form or fashion. I say put a value on you as a whole not just the puddy. Afterall it is a package deal.
Disclaimer – above said thoughts are not meant to be taken as ALL women or Men.

Lady~anchored!

April 24th, 2012
10:45 am

OK WD I was more so thinking of the common man and dealing with golddiggers that many point out but of course prostitution has been around forever. one of the oldest crimes. I get it sir!

Celisea

April 24th, 2012
10:46 am

What makes me feel inclined to go all in is when a man is willing to do the same. But to require or ask me to open up, dive in, put it out there and THEN you decide if we can do or not…IS WHY (FOR ME) I’m more inclined to hold back. I’m good diving in blind but I’m not going to jump off a cliff and you stand there and watch to see how I land. If I land on my feet and the drop don’t seem as scary then you jump but if I shatter every bone in my body and pretty much kill myself you walk away…

Lady~anchored!

April 24th, 2012
10:47 am

I’m good diving in blind but I’m not going to jump off a cliff and you stand there and watch to see how I land <<<<<The watcher watching the watcher! So true C! Hello too!

Celisea

April 24th, 2012
10:51 am

Hey there Lady…how goes it?

kimmie

April 24th, 2012
10:52 am

I just don’t understand all the hoopla about the 90 days or any other thresholds people set for themselves. What’s wrong with getting to know someone a little better before you sex them, spend tons of money on them, take them around your family & close friends, open joint accounts with them, take them around your kids, etc? Especially if you know that “going there” means your heart is going to be somewhat wrapped up with this person? Some people can do all of the above and not give a flip about the person, but most can’t. Either way, feel the vibe and do what feels right for yourself and the relationship.

Lady~anchored!

April 24th, 2012
10:52 am

Its going C just closing out another school year~ May looks so beautiful a week away! ;)

Fion

April 24th, 2012
10:57 am

@Lady
Let me offer this. If you want to know anything, anything about a Man, just sit back and watch how he moves and operates in his World.
The more Organized and Synchronized things move in his World, the more detailed the plan is his working from.
What we as Men are doing is trying to decipher “How”,” If” and “Can” you (Woman) fit into the plan.

Lady~anchored!

April 24th, 2012
10:58 am

makes sense Fion I can dig that………..thx

M. (pronouced M dot)

April 24th, 2012
10:59 am

Good day everyone.

“What’s the biggest problem men have with waiting 90 days? Is it easier for women to wait?”

I think the biggest problem most men have with the 90 day rule is that if we kept it real, most women will make YOU wait 90 days but that does not necessarily mean that she is not doing her thing while she has you waiting around. Who knows what else they are doing and who else is on their radar?

Lady~anchored!

April 24th, 2012
11:00 am

What we as Men are doing is trying to decipher “How”,” If” and “Can” you (Woman) fit into the plan.<<<<This is true for sure~

Celisea

April 24th, 2012
11:00 am

That’s why, for me I’m not tossing out dates and timelines but if I’m not feeling you or you aren’t receptive to getting to know me sans sex, do what you gotta. But I would venture to say timelines, thresholds, withholding…however you deem or call it, they’re all pretty much the same. Let people do what works and is best for them. There should NEVER be pressure placed on either parties from either parties.

SlimUno...looking for my breakthrough

April 24th, 2012
11:01 am

The more open both partners are, the closer of a connection I feel can be achieved…which is why communication is so important. When one party starts to shut down, it causes a ripple effect onto the other person. They may initially try to figure out what’s going on with the distant party but eventually they will tire and shut down themselves, soon creating a divide & awkwardness within the union/courtship

Lady~anchored!

April 24th, 2012
11:01 am

M. and who knows what that man is doing…………Kimmie makes a great point to get to know one another and maybe the bs will be below radar and if it isn’t chose accordingly.

M. (pronouced M dot)

April 24th, 2012
11:04 am

@Lady~anchored!

Exactly but was the man walking around with the 90 day idea? Probably not..

I think society makes everyone think women are more disciplined than men, that they don’t want to be physical, etc….give me a break lol

Lady~anchored!

April 24th, 2012
11:06 am

that is funny. woman love sex but wants substance with it. we are not walking around hitting it and moving on well most. Its true we are emotional and its not a bad thing either. society and their norms are so skewed~

SlimUno...looking for my breakthrough

April 24th, 2012
11:06 am

Just like yall say that just because a chick makes you wait 90 doesn’t mean she isn’t getting it done somewhere else….men too could be getting it elsewhere while waiting for day 91.

Lady~anchored!

April 24th, 2012
11:07 am

& I don’t think ALL men are that damn physical either. plenty are married and in LTR quality too~

Lady~anchored!

April 24th, 2012
11:08 am

sex is a by product of the big product I think. its so much more to the equation but sex is an important component and both mature adults should respect boundaries appropriately

SlimUno...looking for my breakthrough

April 24th, 2012
11:09 am

Maybe the whole waiting thing stems from years ago when sex wasn’t to be had until after marriage, therefore increasing the percentage of people getting married at younger ages..they were ready to get somma dat cookie lol

Lady~anchored!

April 24th, 2012
11:13 am

or do some woman fail at understanding having sex does not equal a relationship and most men master this area without regard and still can go find that quality relationship and marriage soon after and encounter with a random woman?!? #curious

M. (pronouced M dot)

April 24th, 2012
11:15 am

@Slim @Lady

So question, if you are single and dating, do you just figure out the guy you like the most, put him on the 90 day rule aka probation and cut the other one off? Curious..

Mike P

April 24th, 2012
11:16 am

@Lady~anchored!: I don’t understand your question.

M. (pronouced M dot)

April 24th, 2012
11:17 am

@Slim @Lady

I meant single and dating 2 guys.

Mike P

April 24th, 2012
11:18 am

To all the ladies…

When you have a King, don’t reshuffle the pack, you’ll end up with a Joker.

Lady~anchored!

April 24th, 2012
11:18 am

@ M. I am dealing with the man I like the most and I am not set by a 90 day rule. Time, communication, synchronizing, and seeing is his world meshes with mine LONG TERM for an EXCLUSIVE relationship gets my attention and those others vetting are not priority and cut off.

Lady~anchored!

April 24th, 2012
11:18 am

okay Mike P.