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Engaged: What if you have doubts?

With wedding season in full swing, I have run into a few couples that are soon-to-be husband and wife. One couple I met recently seemed particularly unhappy about their pending nuptials. Perhaps it was the stress of the wedding plans, or the uncertainty of a future together. It seemed as if they were overwhelmed, and possibly having second thoughts.

I can’t imagine what it is like to be engaged and having doubts. It’s probably terrifying and stressful, but what do you do if you are realizing how unsure you are?

If you were engaged and your feelings started to change, how do you think you would manage?

Would the pressure of the financial obligations force you in to proceeding with the marriage that you may not want?

If you are in a dating relationship, how do you face the doubts you have about compatibility and future potential. Do you speak up right away or give it some time?

By Wise Diva, Misadventures in Atlanta Blog

225 comments Add your comment

HH7

April 19th, 2012
5:43 am

first in, best dressed..
if you are 100% sure about who you are going to marry, you are a martian and not from this world.. everyone has doubts, now if you are only 30% sure, then you have a problem…
Marriage isn’t a passion-fest; it’s more like a partnership formed to run a very small, mundane, and often boring nonprofit business. And I mean this in a good way” – Lori Gottlieb, The Atlantic, March 2008.

i just read an article anbout this very topic today and it has some great points.. as the saying goes ..doubt means don’t

http://www.smh.com.au/lifestyle/life/why-women-marry-the-wrong-men-20120418-1×7bs.html

Lily

April 19th, 2012
6:52 am

Diva when in doubt talk it out. Maybe not with your future spouse but the family matriarch or someone positioned to give sound advice and able to help one understand if what you’re getting is normal or teetering on an absolute no! I believe doubt is natural. Marriage is a huge step and not to be entered into lightly. If the feeling is plainly overwhelming, then you might need to back it up a bit.

Lady~Back to life, Back to reality!

April 19th, 2012
8:33 am

Morning! hmmm butterflies or serious doubts…….bringing back memories form me. I ignored my serious doubts. that’s all. I really say stay true to thy own-self and really reflect on why you are getting married. Meaning for the right reason for you and not for others. I applaud anyone who halts their wedding for not being ready. I didn’t have the guts and don’t regret it bc it taught me much but some folks don’t have to touch the fire to know its hot.

Leggs

April 19th, 2012
8:51 am

“Diva when in doubt talk it out.” – That’s my take too, Lilly.

Would the pressure of the financial obligations force you in to proceeding with the marriage that you may not want? – Sorry, but this part I never got. Lavish ceremonies are sometimes for the bride, but mostly for her guests. A marriage has nothing do with the ceremony. Have a ceremony within your budget, don’t stress over it, because the ceremony lasts only a few hours. A marriage should last your lifetime. Invest in that.

Morning.

Lady~Back to life, Back to reality!

April 19th, 2012
8:52 am

If you are in a dating relationship, how do you face the doubts you have about compatibility and future potential. Do you speak up right away or give it some time? <<<<<Yes. I talk about it an its not set time or conversation. It comes out as we continue to learning each other. Some great conversations are impromptu and much is disclosed without having a specific agenda if you will………..

Lady~Back to life, Back to reality!

April 19th, 2012
8:55 am

A marriage has nothing do with the ceremony<<<<<<<<<<<<<nothing at all~ so true!

SlimUno

April 19th, 2012
9:02 am

Good morning,

I agree with Lily. I’d say maybe sign up for some pre-marital counseling or a non-biased person to hear both sides of concern or what have you.

disco

April 19th, 2012
9:20 am

hey y’all. I did the half-arsed engagement thing. I knew going into it that I was just trying to beat my self-proclaimed schedule of being married before a certain age. dude was nice enough and I even thought “what the heck. if it doesn’t work out being able to say divorced sounds better than saying never married”. good thing I woke up soon enough and let that situation float on. dude still ended up married to someone else less than a year after the break up. must say, guys have it good. almost any guy worth his salt can get married whenever he feels like it.

Leggs

April 19th, 2012
9:20 am

Lily summed it all up and wrapped it with a ribbon.

Random: I love Blood Drive days because we can wear jeans. Great day for jeans!

Lady~Back to life, Back to reality!

April 19th, 2012
9:21 am

almost any guy worth his salt can get married whenever he feels like it.<<<<<<<<<<<<<my silent thoughts disco lolololol #funny

Celisea

April 19th, 2012
9:30 am

Good morning!

I don’t have MUCH to add to the topic. I’ve been engaged and I didn’t really have any doubts as it relates to finances, fidelity and those type issues, I had a problem traveling all over the place as a military wife. I simply wanted no part of that…..at all Heck if I wanted the military, I would have signed up. I didn’t want it even by way of marriage. I tried to hang around but when buddy talked about re-enlisting, I knew then it was time to move on.

I like what Lily said, because although I was an adult and had to make my own decisions, my daddy wasn’t feeling that either. I’ve always felt like old folks don’t get to be old folks for no reason. They’ve lived and learned and experienced.

Compatibility issues in a dating relationship now means we’ve learned enough to know you don’t have to stay on the ride as long as you would have younger….being all hopeful and stuff…lol Nope, if it’s not panning out be it the other party or you, cut your losses. I dunno, I think compatibility is the natural ability to make compromise and move around your differences, effortlessly. Not saying it won’t take a bit of work, as we are all our own individual selves, but we shouldn’t be bumping heads so much so that we’re knocking each other out.

Lady~Back to life, Back to reality!

April 19th, 2012
9:45 am

where are our male bloggers with their perspectives on marriage and doubts?!?

kimmie

April 19th, 2012
9:49 am

Morning All!!

I was always grateful for my mother giving me an “out” early on, as I grew up. She said never mind the wedding or how much money had been spent or the guests waiting. If I got halfway down the aisle and decided I didn’t want to go thru with it, I was free to turn around and she & dad would support my decision all the way.

The best 2 pieces of advice I can give are #1 – Don’t allow a wedding to break you financially or stress you out. Do what you & your family can afford and leave it at that. The biggest cause of divorce is money problems. Don’t start out broke. Like Leggs said, the wedding itself is usually for guests anyway. I decided I was not going broke trying to feed and impress some folks who were going to gossip about everything later anyway, even if I spent more than William and Kate. So we did what WE wanted. My fiance’ reminded me of that during the planning, that it was all about US! It was well within our budget, different and beautiful and out of town. I didn’t have to worry about folks feeling slighted about not being invited because I knew everyone was not going to buy a plane ticket to Vegas! Just close friends & family – nice & intimate.

#2 – Don’t allow outside forces(other folk) and their negativity to cast doubt and gloom over your pending nuptials or relationship. Not going into detail, but you guys get it.

If you really feel like you are about to make a huge mistake, go with your gut. It will be easier that having to go thru a divorce.

czBrat

April 19th, 2012
9:50 am

If you are in a dating relationship, how do you face the doubts you have about compatibility and future potential. you talk about it. honestly.

Do you speak up right away (this is his style)
or give it some time? (this is mine)

we might vent to friends and fam from time to time, but we’re not looking to them for thumbs up or down as to where our relationship is headed. we know ourselves and each other well enough to lay our misgivings right on the table and sort ‘em out … for better or worse.

as to slim’s post, pre-marital counseling is a great idea. an unbiased, professionally trained third party providing spiritual and practical (rather than emotional) guidance and useful tools to deal with what comes after the vows.
we start ours in a couple of weeks!

hh7’s first post of the day gets a standing O from me.

morning,lovelies!

SlimUno

April 19th, 2012
9:53 am

where are our male bloggers with their perspectives on marriage and doubts?!?

Lady – Well according to the male bloggers, they all have doubts, even after the vows have been exchanged lol I think they pretty much are giving up on the idea of marriage

Lady~Back to life, Back to reality!

April 19th, 2012
9:58 am

okay going back to that article and that list. 1. We’ve dated for so long I don’t want to waste all the time we have invested in the relationship.
<<<<<<<<<<going forward I will never feel obligated again!

@czBrat that was a great post from hh7!

Lady~Back to life, Back to reality!

April 19th, 2012
9:59 am

you think Slim?!? #hmmmmmm

Lady~Back to life, Back to reality!

April 19th, 2012
10:01 am

last one >>>>>4. It is too late, too embarrassing and/or too expensive to call off the wedding
.

so 1. and 4. and just not facing reality that I wasn’t ready! I will never point fingers and play the blame game. as I stated it was a leaning experience and apart of my journey and I am no less marriage worthy bc I am a divorced person. I will do it all over again just more grounded when I do!

disco

April 19th, 2012
10:05 am

O/T – kimmie (or anyone else but I picked kimmie out since she’s all into cooking) – know of any good soul food cookbooks, preferably with pictures?

HH7

April 19th, 2012
10:07 am

thanks czBrat!!
your comment about his style and your style mirrors my previous relationship, he always wanted to sort out the issues right there and then after an argument and i just wanted some time and space to mellow out without an autopsy straight away…i think it’s a guy thing.. speaking of which, where are the guys?

kimmie

April 19th, 2012
10:08 am

disco – I love the Southern Living cookbooks. I also have a G.Garvin one that is pretty good and one from the Neelys(good BBQ and sides).

kimmie

April 19th, 2012
10:10 am

I think hubs & my styles are a combo of both. On some things we talk right away, others we give some time.

Celisea

April 19th, 2012
10:11 am

HH7, you been here before? You’re asking for the guys like you know them…lol

Lady~Back to life, Back to reality!

April 19th, 2012
10:13 am

kimmie

April 19th, 2012
10:16 am

disco – Go to Amazon.com for the cookbooks to get a good price. I like both The Ultimate Southern Living Cookbook and The All-New Ultimate Southern Living Cookbook. They come out with an annual cookbook and my mom used to get those, but you will do fine with just the big ones(the queen my mom used to call them). A lot of the recipes are still very tasty but healthier now.

The Southern Living magazine always has some great recipes as well.

kimmie

April 19th, 2012
10:18 am

disco – I just went on Amazon – don’t pay over $25 for any of those cookbooks!

disco

April 19th, 2012
10:20 am

thanks kimmie. the offspring (takes after his momma on the practical tip) has added a set of pots and pans, a crockpot and cookbooks to his graduation gift wishlist.

Jake a.ka. Sweet Peeda Jeeda TWB

April 19th, 2012
10:22 am

I see ya’ll want to hear from us…if I had had major doubts I would have pulled out. I’d rather be the azz who left a bride standing than the azz trapped in unhappiness. Marriage is a tremendous decision, if you are uncertain about addressing your mail as Mr. & Mrs. so &so, its best to postpone or cancel. Its unfair to you, but its even more unfair to bring someone into your life with expectations that you are not prepared to meet. Its quite pssible to go into it fully ready, but to later find you were not as prepared as you thought, but that’s just a human flaw. I f you no you doubtful, do everyone a favor, and the financials should not factor in a decision of that magnitutude, you will lose more later. I think its the same in dating or potential nuptials, if you have an issue, be an adult and bring it to the forefront, but when I say issue, I mean legitimate issue. Always evaluate the importance of said issue prior to the discussion, is it actually worth moving on , or are you being petty. An honest look at one’s own self may remove the supposed discord that you have with another.

Celisea

April 19th, 2012
10:22 am

Wise Diva – If you are reading, what are your thoughts on today’s topic? :)

Lady~Back to life, Back to reality!

April 19th, 2012
10:23 am

good post jake~!

Lady~Back to life, Back to reality!

April 19th, 2012
10:24 am

Lady~Back to life, Back to reality!

April 19th, 2012
10:26 am

its a great day to be in a quaint cafe sipping on hot chocolate and rambling sweet nothings to someone you care deeply about~ #random

Celisea

April 19th, 2012
10:27 am

Too many times folks orry about what other folks think. I agree with everybody that said it, if it’s someone that’s causing some SERIOUS doubt, don’t do it. I wouldn’t just leave a person at the altar but I would dang sure have a conversation. Many many times people’s (me included) of themselves ain’t all the time someone else can or are willing to deal and live with.

Like PoppaG said, he knows the crazy with which he lives. If it’s that kind of crazy where it’s causing doubt, you’re even crazier for taking that on and just sort try and hope it will go away. No can do.

HH7

April 19th, 2012
10:27 am

hahahahah @Celisea…no i don’t know them but i read now and then, used to be a regular five years ago but dropped off ..the subject of marriage and bailing is scary to guys anyway so not surprised…

Celisea

April 19th, 2012
10:28 am

Lady – I miss Diva popping in and chiming in on the topic. She had a way of keeping it going :)

i'm swiss

April 19th, 2012
10:28 am

Morning, folks.

On topic: To quote from Monty Python: Run awaaaaaaaaaay! I learned this lesson the hard way. I knew deep down that it was a bad move to go through with the wedding to my ex, but we had been together for so long, our families had both embraced both of us, everybody just expected that we were getting married, yada yada yada. Add all that to me being young and stupid at the time, and you end up with the worst decision I’ve ever made. If you’re not 100% sure, don’t do it.

Celisea

April 19th, 2012
10:29 am

HH7 – Welcome back :)

Lady~Back to life, Back to reality!

April 19th, 2012
10:29 am

Indeed C indeed I think I can write a book not sure who would read but I would read it lol smh pay me no mind~ #silly lol

Lady~Back to life, Back to reality!

April 19th, 2012
10:32 am

indeed too swiss! i feel ya! ;)

kimmie

April 19th, 2012
10:36 am

disco – Sounds like an amazing kid! He does you proud!!

czBrat

April 19th, 2012
10:39 am

your comment about his style and your style mirrors my previous relationship,
good thing i’m not given to omens. :lol:

best advice i’ve ever heard on knowing when you’re ready for marriage was right here on this blog: don’t walk down the aisle until you’re ready to RUN down the aisle.

disco

April 19th, 2012
10:44 am

kimmie – yep.

brat – your comment made me think of that song with andre 3000 “I do – I do – I do – I do – I do”.

kimmie

April 19th, 2012
10:46 am

Too many times folks worry about what other folks think.

Celisea – Eff what other folks think. They don’t have to live with this other person and their issues!

abc

April 19th, 2012
10:48 am

I had few doubts, even when I should have. I had one bail out on me, though, 5 days before the wedding. It’s a chick thing, in my opinion. But, better to bail before the wedding than after. Flakes.

Celisea

April 19th, 2012
10:54 am

Kimmie – Sho nuff. Worrying about what others think is for the birds. Where are those other folks when problems arise?

I only know of one story where someone was left at the altar. That was a coworker that sat behind me. Man on man on man should could just eat her dude up. She wanted to move in with him and he wasn’t ready (at one point) and she would cry EVERY DANG MORNING on the phone with him. I couldn’t hear his end but you can tell pretty much that he was always having to talk her down until she was okay. I was tired myself just from hearing that. Buddy left her at the altar. Well he called it off like a day or so before the wedding. Everything was a go. She was messed up after that. She married though the next dude that came along. I could be wrong but personally I think to wipe away the fact that she was stood up.

HH7

April 19th, 2012
10:59 am

@swiss..i dunno if you can be 100%, maybe 99.9% sure but 100%..for these types of monumental decisions, can you really be 100% sure?
@C..thanks, glad to be back.
@brat..lurve that…run down the aisle…classic

gotta run…(not down the aisle..)

Lady~Back to life, Back to reality!

April 19th, 2012
11:02 am

interesting lol

Lady~Back to life, Back to reality!

April 19th, 2012
11:06 am

I work with one student for the 1st part of my day and he is beyond a handful! I am tired of his foolishness! #vent

kimmie

April 19th, 2012
11:07 am

Celisea – Where are they when problems arise? Sitting back gossiping about how “they knew it wasn’t going to work anyway. I don’t know why she married him. She was desperate. Better her than me”.

You get the picture.

Celisea

April 19th, 2012
11:18 am

Kimmie – That’s that bunch that rains on the parade of others. Why can’t folks be big enough to be happy with the sun beaming on others? Or that bunch that’s envious and because of such, can’t find it within themselves to be happy your world is turning…

That’s why I said the other day, I’m not envious of anyone nor do I sit on the outside wishfully looking in. You never know what’s going on. You can however be happy for others.