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Let’s talk about sex: Boundaries

Should a dating relationship that is casual have the same sexual boundaries as a committed relationship? I ask because there was a debate between a couple of friends who had their unique ideas about boundaries in the bedroom.

If I summarized their beliefs by gender, women thought that casual flings don’t get the full “bag of tricks” as boyfriends or husbands. They certainly don’t entertain the idea of special requests, threesomes, or anything closely resembling extra work.

The men, however, thought that if there was some physical contact, why not make it as good as it can be. Many them argued, “When you relax your boundaries, isn’t it win-win?”

Personally, I am a hopeless romantic, which means I want to actually be in love before I talk about boundaries and explore with someone. What do you think? Are your boundaries in the bedroom driven by the level of commitment you have or don’t have?

Keep the conversation clean and classy!

By Wise Diva, Misadventures in Atlanta Dating Blog

250 comments Add your comment

Lily

April 18th, 2012
7:12 am

Diva I’m with you, no casual sex here. That’s a win-win for who? Certainly not women. Go for what you’re worth. I can’t wait to come back and read later all the responses!

Good day!

Rick

April 18th, 2012
7:53 am

Once you cross the “Intimate Arts” threshold, there are no boundries, except those that you make for yourself. The idea that sex is “better” or “more satisfying” when you are in a relationship has been debunked time and time again. In fact, many times it is oh so much better when it’s ‘casual” or “anonymous”. The number 1 sexual fantasy for women (according to polls) is anonymous sex. They don’t have to worry about being judged, they don’t care what their partner thinks about them, they can just let themselves go and taste every single flavor on the menu. I’m married, but I can say that the most absolutely incredible sexual experience I’ve ever had was a one night stand and we never saw each other again. It was INSANE and to this day I still remember and fantasize about it.

David

April 18th, 2012
7:58 am

IMO, there is nothing off limits for me, except a third person. Other then that, it’s open bar. If it turns you on, it turns me on. I want you at your depraved best. If you are just a missionary girl and only in the bed, you aren’t for me. There are time for “making love” and there are times for sweaty, loud, ripping clothes and bouncing off every piece of furniture, in any location, fully clothed or naked, dirty talk. And most of those times, only one version will be what the doctor ordered.

Shannon

April 18th, 2012
8:02 am

If you establish boundries, you are limiting the experience. I’ve had flings and I’ve had relationships and the sexual experience was totally reliant on what your partner brings to the table…or bed….or office. If you have an open mind and go in to it wanting the most intense pleasure for your self and your partner, it’s all good. Sponteneity is the spice of life and imagination is the hot sauce. I want to leave myself and my partner totally satisfied and with the though “I can’t wait for this to happen again!”.

SlimUno

April 18th, 2012
8:08 am

Good morning,

Call me ‘getting old’ or whatever but that casual sex thing just isn’t something that interests me. Sure when you’re younger you’re probably less likely to hope a relationship gives birth from some good ole nasty, heart pounding, clothes ripping, wake up anyone within a 5 mile radius type sexing…but in my experience, I was less inhibited when being with someone for a while in an established r’ship. I have to reach a certain level of comfort with a person first and who knows, maybe it stems from early childhood/teen violations so according to what Rick said above, i could be an exception to this rule/study.

jake's mom

April 18th, 2012
8:09 am

If you’re going to go there, no boundaries. The boundary is… when do you go there

SlimUno

April 18th, 2012
8:13 am

And with regard to the whole boundaries issue, if you are sharing your life with someone, I think there is nothing wrong with a progression of boundary stretching. It’s all about comfort & communication. I may not go for EVERY single idea you can fester but I am adult enough to let you know what I would be open to try. I think the art of really getting to know your mate is falling by the wayside. I’m sure Wille or Jake can speak to this but if a man really knows his women and has her between her ears as well as between her thighs, she’ll probably be more apt to want to try those risque things with you. A woman who feels loved, safe, appreciated and desired by her man is like a blank canvas just waiting to be stroked lol

Lady~Back to life, Back to reality!

April 18th, 2012
8:21 am

Morning! Interesting topic………..

Mr. Unknown

April 18th, 2012
8:25 am

Good Morning,
“The men, however, thought that if there was some physical contact, why not make it as good as it can be.” Your setting yourself up to fail if the full “bag of tricks” is given too early. All guys will push the sexual limit to see how far your willing to go. I can’t help it but I’m going to look at you differently. If you haven’t earned the girlfriend title yet and your open to do anything, anytime, anyplace your quietly earning another title. Don’t get me wrong, I’m going to run with whatever I can get if its allowed but the sex should progress as the relationship does.
Did I read the question right?

Spike

April 18th, 2012
8:26 am

Very interesting responses, eh? I think it shows once again that the subject and practices of sex are as widely varied as the possible fantasies, positions, and techniques that can be employed. But, casual (more like spontaneous) sex in today’s world is not only risky but downright foolish. Easier and cleaner with less effort is to play Russian Roulette with a loaded gun. I really liked the response describing the ‘heat and sweat, tearing of clothes’ of the moment from the geezer. Sounds to me like, even though on in years, he’s having a great time. To you I say “right on, dude!”

Bobby Petrino

April 18th, 2012
8:30 am

No 2 ways about it……I just love tapping young tail. Doesn’t matter if it’s the smoking hot glorified ’sexetary’, or the super hot biker magazine model. I just love tapping young tail and making an a** out of myself.

Mike P

April 18th, 2012
8:31 am

Wise Diva wrote – “Should a dating relationship that is casual have the same sexual boundaries as a committed relationship?

- I don’t understand your question. Dating relationships ARE committed relationships, they are one and the same in my book. So stop throwing the word “casual” into that mix. I have said it here before, I don’t date casual flings. I truly believe people keep up their casual “whatevers” to satisfy their selfish agenda, both male and female, at the expense of their own personal growth & spiritual maturity.

Good Morning!

Shut up and Drive

April 18th, 2012
8:34 am

Enter your comments here

Lady~Back to life, Back to reality!

April 18th, 2012
8:43 am

Mike P good post!

Lady~Back to life, Back to reality!

April 18th, 2012
8:44 am

If you haven’t earned the girlfriend title yet and your open to do anything, anytime, anyplace your quietly earning another title. <<<<Agreed Mr. U!

BigUn

April 18th, 2012
9:00 am

I can see where this is going for the women. if a woman is as open, adventurous and in touch with herself as a man, she’s considered a slut. But I take a different attitude:

Chick really digs “the act”:
You: She’s a slut
Me: She very sure of herself, confident and probably very good at “it”.

Chick wears tight clothing and sexy attire:
You: She’s a slut and trying to draw attention
Me: Again, very confident. She takes care of herself and enjoys feeling and looking sexy.

Chick likes to be adventurous when she does it:
You: She’s a slut and will sleep around
Me: Wow, she’s really a hand full. She’s in touch with herself and knows what she likes. Confident, sexy and veyr good at “it”.

Chick can banter and talk with the guys about sexual stuff:
You: She’s a tramp and has a gutter mind/mouth
Me: She can hang with the guys and not be a prude or buzz kill. She enjoys male company and not afraid to go toe to toe. She’s fun and can shock as well as any of my friends.

Chick has over 10 past lovers:
You: She’s a slut and will jump up and down on anybody
Me: She is passionate, physical and has no qualms about expressing it in a physical way. She obviously likes the way it makes her feel and practice makes perfect.

It all depends on how you look at it.

BigUn

April 18th, 2012
9:02 am

Oh, by the way, I’m a guy and I love a confident woman.

Lady~Back to life, Back to reality!

April 18th, 2012
9:03 am

Interesting perception and projection is a mofo……………………..@BigUn

Leggs

April 18th, 2012
9:05 am

Keep the conversation clean and classy! ~ WD knows her audience.

If a relationship is casual I see no reason to pull out all tricks in one’s arsenal. There are delights that should be reserved for that special treatmet. Everyone doesn’t deserve the full monty. And the mere mention of the word “casual” has already set the boundary!

Morning. It’s going to be a beautiful day (rain and all).

Exiled!

April 18th, 2012
9:07 am

‘Win win for who? Certainly not women’

Lily,u are trying to perpetuate the age old women victim mentality when it comes to sex…

Why can’t a woman have Cadual sex and consider herself a winner because she ‘fixed’ a fix and got satisfaction outa it?

To not enjoy it is to Allow men to frame the ‘argument’ as if only men enjoy Casual sex.

That’s not fair!

(I am going Balls All In for women today!)

Good morning!

Exiled!

April 18th, 2012
9:08 am

Or is it All Balls In……hmmm

seems better! :lol:

Row 125, Seat 11B

April 18th, 2012
9:11 am

Good Morning, Greetings to you all!!!!

Great topic all things considered…. IMHO, I think the key in this type of situation, is to be honest and keep the lines of communication open. In some ways being in this type of relationship requires even more talking that being in a more traditional thing….. Don’t allow for assumptions and a whole lotta fun can be had!!!

czBrat

April 18th, 2012
9:20 am

luv mr. u’s 8:25.

women thought that casual flings don’t get the full “bag of tricks” as boyfriends or husbands
for the record, even “boyfriend” doesn’t get you in like “husband” in my world. absolute boundaries.

Keep the conversation clean and classy! :mad:

morning all!

Bill Clinton

April 18th, 2012
9:26 am

I too am hopelessly romantic…That’s why I didn’t have sex with that woman…..Ms. Whatshername…..SO, Ms. Diva, wanna get together ?????

Lady~Back to life, Back to reality!

April 18th, 2012
9:26 am

czBrat that is the truth.

Exiled!

April 18th, 2012
9:35 am

‘casual flings don’t get the full bag of tricks like husbands’

Well,so why was Tiger getting the much coveted ‘Execuitive shower’ treatment from outside his so called legal union or was that a one off thing..

How about Elliot Spitzer then?

Or Lawrence Taylor?

should I go on….

I doubt wives are consistently tricking the way ‘that hottie’ would or is just greed with ‘those’ people!

Or let me ask you this single ladies,’do u All have a Third sexual gear that u have never engaged that u have Exclusively Reserved for when Mr Right puts a ring on it?! -:)

Hmmmmmm!

Lady? Answer that one for me.

You too Slim?

To think officer doesn’t know a sexual side of u that U can’t wait to Unleash on him when he kneels to propose! :wink: hmmmmmmm

Celisea

April 18th, 2012
9:37 am

Morning lovelies,

For me, boundaries equates to standards. I’m sure by now all of us can get with it and I’m talking full fledge. Still and even so, just because you can and know how doesn’t always means it’s smart to give out causual rides on your merry go round.

Maybe I’m sort of jaded but from my view and just for me, our bodies are temples and should be sacred. And for me casual means casual, committed means committed, exclusive means exclusive….you get what comes with the package. In the casual package intimacy is not included.

BigUn

April 18th, 2012
9:38 am

Nope, once you pass into the “husband” zone, then the only act or bag of tricks that you see is the whole “having sex” item vanishing into thin air and the following acts/tricks appear:
1) I’m tired
2) I have a headache
3) I’m stressed out
4) I have too much to do
5) I have too much on my mind
6) I feel a distubance in The Force
7) Oh good grief, go ahead. Let me know when you’re done.

Lady~Back to life, Back to reality!

April 18th, 2012
9:40 am

Ex BigUn answered it for you just interesting I forgot about that list he listed and all the affairs these happy husbands have………………….but still being marry outweighs the flings IMHO…………….

czBrat

April 18th, 2012
9:44 am

thanx, lady. it may seem trivial to most but dang, vows should come with certain privilege. and i’m not just talking bout the bedroom.

example: i reminded s/o repeatedly to get his crap together and get his taxes done on time. right up until 9:00 last night i was encouraging him to get that extension filed. why? because he’s my s/o.
you best believe after we’re married our paperwork will be in order and filed in a timely manner with or without his attention. cuz THAT’S what i do for my hubs.

Alberta Spruce

April 18th, 2012
9:44 am

To each his/her own. Everyone has needs. Why does satisfying those needs have to be complicated?

Lady~Back to life, Back to reality!

April 18th, 2012
9:44 am

Hey C!!! I wouldn’t expected you to say anything less sis lol! ;)

SlimNu

April 18th, 2012
9:45 am

Ex I whenever I get to that place of marimony, let’s just say I’ll be ready to RELEASE THE KRACKIN’!!!!! :oops:

Lady~Back to life, Back to reality!

April 18th, 2012
9:46 am

Why does satisfying those needs have to be complicated?<<<<<<<<<<BC most times one party wants more substances and commitment and the goal is through that their needs will be satisfied?!? This is new is it good people?!? #shrugs

Celisea

April 18th, 2012
9:48 am

Hey Lady(bug)! How are you today?

Lady~Back to life, Back to reality!

April 18th, 2012
9:48 am

meant this isn’t new now is it good people?!? my thoughts are running this morning lol

Lady~Back to life, Back to reality!

April 18th, 2012
9:49 am

I am well C!!!!

Celisea

April 18th, 2012
9:50 am

Satisfying needs aren’t complicated. But don’t be asking or hoping or seeking or wishing….after the fact…for anything more than

If casual sex is what you can do, I say have at it :) Just don’t condemn others that seek, want, deserve and desire more. Ut oh, I said “deserve”

Oh, and what’s up with men telling women what their most secret fantasies are? How do you know? I thought only a woman can tell what a woman SECRETLY desires???

Leggs

April 18th, 2012
9:52 am

Exactly, Celisea. The body is sacred and shouldn’t be given to just anyone because they want it. And, unfortunately, there are titles bestowed upon a relationship as indicated in your post and they all have unique privileges/perks.

Exiled!

April 18th, 2012
9:52 am

Slim..so it’s fair to say he ain’t getting the KRACKING right now..

Hmmmm. wonder what he thinks bout that!

Lady? I said U..not deferring to Mr U’s list…he ain’t a female.

So the current one is just nibbling abd getting the carrot withdrawn but no 5 course sexual meal? :lol:

SlimNu

April 18th, 2012
9:53 am

Meant matrimony…blackberry blogging

Rick

April 18th, 2012
9:54 am

@Alberta. It really shouldn’t be complicated, it’s just that certain people MAKE it complicated. All these stigmas, taboos, shouldn’t do’s, can’t do’s, etc. Infidelity is a serious blow, but there are pro/cons to being married as well as being single. I did the married thing once and the changes are mind altering. It’s like everything bad that everyone says would happen once that ring is placed on the finger….happened. I can’t even get close to a wedding ring now without getting a bad reaction. To me, staying single, albet dating just one person, is the only way to fly.

Celisea

April 18th, 2012
9:54 am

Lady~Back to life, Back to reality!

April 18th, 2012
9:54 am

My response is ditto Ex. That is my answer. ;)

Lady~Back to life, Back to reality!

April 18th, 2012
9:58 am

@Rick >>>>>>>>>>(Double standards exist and per James Brown “Its a Man’s Word, it is what it is #life)>>>> All these stigmas, taboos, shouldn’t do’s, can’t do’s, etc. Infidelity is a serious blow, but there are pro/cons to being married as well as being single.

Rick

April 18th, 2012
9:58 am

@Celisia, The poll was taken by women and from women. Look it up! Don’t assume that it’s always men telling women what their secret fantasies are. The poll was a response from WOMEN.

SlimNu

April 18th, 2012
9:58 am

Ex – I don’t think he thinks too much about it honestly. He isn’t one of those guys ruled bor constantly preoccupied by the puddy. He’s more low key than I am.

czBrat

April 18th, 2012
10:03 am

To me, staying single, albet dating just one person, is the only way to fly.
we all go through that after a bad experience. and sometimes we choose to stay there. but sometimes we meet someone worth taking that plunge … again.

simply put, rick, if you’re with a woman who reserves certain sexual experiences for marriage and you find that off-putting, she’s not THE ONE. however, if you find it intriguing and exciting that you could be the man to take her to that place of wide-open gifting, then marriage will no longer be your taboo.

Celisea

April 18th, 2012
10:05 am

Rick – I’d love to see the poll…can you post it here?

Really when you marry, you marry. For better or worse, the good bad and the ugly. Don’t go complaining and laying a charge to all women because things went sour. All marriages don’t turn sour so you can’t blame “marriage” nor “all women.” I’d say look at YOUR marriage and YOURSELF and YOUR partner. Own it. And it’s really shallow to say or even be influenced by what “people said would happen.” If you believe and expect it, then so shall it be. Wonder if someone would have said positive things would be the outcome, then you would expected the positive to happen??? Just wondering. Sounds like blaming to me. No one else is there in your marriage but the two of you. If the influences of others are given a front seat, well no wonder.

Lady~Back to life, Back to reality!

April 18th, 2012
10:05 am

“Do you want me to tell you something really subversive? Love is everything it’s cracked up to be. That’s why people are so cynical about it. It really is worth fighting for, being brave for, risking everything for. And the trouble is, if you don’t risk anything, you risk even more.” -Erica Jong