accessAtlanta

City & State or ZIP Tonight, this weekend, May 5th...
City & State or ZIP
City & State or ZIP Tonight, this weekend, May 5th...
City & State or ZIP

Are you dating a jerk?

I never understood why so many single people put up with bad behavior or rudeness when it came to dating. If these things rear their heads in dating, imagine what being in a relationship with the person will be like?

It happens a lot, sadly, and I wonder if there is some reason for it. If you notice such things as quick tempers, rude to servers, tardiness, and other jerk behavior, why give the person second and third dates?

Why are we so drawn to jerks? I know that no one is perfect, but it seems that many of us endure certain things longer then we should and then wonder why we end up dating a jerk.

How do you know when you are dating a jerk or if someone just has a few bad days? Is it possible to get a jerk to change their ways?

By Wise Diva, Misadventures in Atlanta

308 comments Add your comment

Lily

April 5th, 2012
7:02 am

Diva, I can’t pin any of the attributes aforementioned but “jerk” behavior none the less goes far beyond. How about lying, playing games, playing with feelings, playing dumb, string along or at least an attempt, trying to undermine, an attempt to intimidate and an attempt to turn the table….just to name a few? Thank goodness it never came to fruition. Can you imagine a relationship?

Lily

April 5th, 2012
7:02 am

Diva, I can’t pin any of the attributes aforementioned but “jerk” behavior none the less goes far beyond. How about lying, playing games, playing with feelings, playing dumb, string along or at least an attempt, trying to undermine, an attempt to intimidate and an attempt to turn the table….just to name a few? Thank goodness it never came to fruition. Can you imagine a relationship?

Lily

April 5th, 2012
7:07 am

My apologies about the double postings.

I’d like to add, why would you want to stick around or even hope they would change? A person is always all the better for moving on. In my case I’m sure everything would have their way or the jerk way.

The man formerly know as Dan - still...Superior

April 5th, 2012
7:55 am

I’m not a jerk – i.e. the rude behavior described in the post; but I am an arsehole.

But that’s much different.

Morning

disco

April 5th, 2012
9:13 am

good morning. hey y’all. my take on the jerk issue? some folks just ignore it because they’d rather be with a jerk than be alone. other folks just think the jerk-ish behavior is cute, sort of like the woman who thinks its cute when her man jacks her up because he’s “jealous”. I guess a third option is like attracts like. maybe you don’t notice jerk behavior because you practice jerk behavior and therefore think it’s normal. who knows.

czBrat

April 5th, 2012
9:19 am

lmao @ Dan. hiya, hun! isn’t it a wonderful thing to know thyself and yet luv thyself? :wink:

so i dunno about this whole “why are we so drawn to jerks” nonsense. who’s DRAWN to jerks??
if anything, the chick with the “i think i can fix him” complex might want to take on that project, but most reasonable people looking to hook up with like-minds are not gonna waste more than half a date on a jackazz.

Slim's got the fever!

April 5th, 2012
9:25 am

I’m not a jerk – i.e. the rude behavior described in the post; but I am an arsehole

I am nominating this as comment of the day! :lol:

The man formerly know as Dan - still...Superior

April 5th, 2012
9:26 am

@Brat – it so very is.

The other thing is those people funny; and in a very real way, you sometimes laugh at the inappropriate behavior…..until it gets turned on you.

I used to date smart moufed women a lot for the reasons stated. But when it got turned on the D, we had issues. I broke a few from the habit of talking to me like that, but it can get to be too much.

disco

April 5th, 2012
9:28 am

brat – I forgot about the “ms. fix-him-uppers”.

slim – he’s right though. there is a difference between the two.

lolalee

April 5th, 2012
9:37 am

czBrat The ” I can fix him’ complex seems to be about the ‘fixers’ low self esteem. You can’t fix anybody. Ever. If they WANT to fix themselves, you might be able to help, but that’s a tricky balance. I’d be a friend of a fixer-uper, but woudn’t date one. Wouldn’t date OR be a friend to a jerk. Why bother?

The man formerly know as Dan - still...Superior

April 5th, 2012
9:43 am

@Lola

Not entirely true

While the work has to be done by the individual, one person can be catalyst for the change of another…

DreamsMaterialize

April 5th, 2012
9:45 am

Morning

I think lots of “jerks” tend to be (or appear) very confident. So, maybe people are actually drawn to the faux confidence. Also, “jerks” tend to not give a damn what anyone else thinks, and for lots of people there is a certain draw to that.

disco

April 5th, 2012
9:46 am

lola – I don’t think it’s always a self esteem issue. just last night I had a discussion with a friend who took a man into her home under the pretext of helping him out. her particular situation wasn’t so much about fixing up the man as it was doing the right (i.e. Christian) thing. I told her the next she was feeling all Christian-like she might want to find another way to serve besides taking a homeless, unemployed man (friend or not) into her home especially since she’d “helped” this same man about 6 months ago and he hasn’t progressed any from then to now.

dreams – sho you right. often times you can’t tell those jerk types nothing.

n

April 5th, 2012
9:46 am

That is a great question. I really like it. The reason so many continue to date jerks, because they see the alternative as loneliness, isolation and an incredible fear of not being wanted.
That being said, a lot of people like jerks, it reminds them of dear old dad. Also, when someone is with a jerk, they do not have to worry about being the center of attention, the jerk always is.
I am sure I have been characterized as a jerk, although that would be one of the nicer comments.
Some see being a jerk as inevitable, so they see everyone else in the same way.

lolalee

April 5th, 2012
9:51 am

Dan
Catalyst, sure. Sparking change by example, perhaps. But unless that person has decided themselves to make change, you can’t make it happen for them. For example, if you are rude to the waiter and I say, hey Dan, that’s rude, do that again and we’re done, you might ‘change’ when you’re around me because you want the puddy. But then when you’re with your boyz you’re rude again. I didn’t make you change at all.

disco
Sounds like she’s trying to do right, but that sounds crazy to me. Seems like a lot of ‘christians’ get abused by other people who manipulate them based on their desire to do ‘good’

lolalee

April 5th, 2012
9:53 am

Dreams
Confidence is cool, but not when it abuses other people. That’s the difference between ‘confident’ and ‘jerk’

disco

April 5th, 2012
9:54 am

does getting excited about the arrival of the new phone book make you a jerk? okay. sorry. couldn’t resist.

czBrat

April 5th, 2012
9:56 am

it just occured to me that quite often people who act a certain way in public are very different behind closed doors. could it be that the guy who’s a complete ass to the server at the restaurant is a real sweetheart with his girl in private? does this somehow make her feel soooo special that only SHE can bring out the good in him?

lola, i put in a good ten years of trying to “fix” a man that just did not want to be a husband and father (well, he luved the titles but didn’t wanna do the work). no more project dudes for me!!!

lolalee

April 5th, 2012
9:56 am

phone book? what’s that? LOL

disco

April 5th, 2012
9:59 am

lola – you would think that phone books would be becoming obsolete but I get phone books from different phone companies on the regular. I’d fuss and complain but I tell myself that some poor, hapless soul is getting paid to drive around and leave phone books on people’s doorsteps.

lolalee

April 5th, 2012
10:02 am

czBrat
a fixer upper as a friend is entirely different from a fixer upper in an intimate relationship, esp a marriage. That’s why I think people who date jerks generally have low self esteem. And maybe it does make her feel “special”, but to me that’s blantantly manipulative. No thanks.

As for your ex, I had one of those too. He liked the title (husband, father), liked the idea (close family) , liked the photos (all dressed up for Easter!). Didn’t want to do the sometimes dirty (thew up again on sheets I just changed?) sometimes boring (not ANOTHER game of Candy Land) , sometimes tedious (more banal homework sheets) work of raising kids.

I’m with you. Never again. Only fully matured MEN. No boys.

Into the Light

April 5th, 2012
10:02 am

could it be that the guy who’s a complete ass to the server at the restaurant is a real sweetheart with his girl in private? does this somehow make her feel soooo special that only SHE can bring out the good in him?

He could be, but if I were his girl, I would think the sweet persona was the fake one. I know it’s going to open a can of worms (like it always does), but everyone deserves to be treated with dignity and respect until they’ve proven otherwise. Then, you just don’t deal with them.

The man formerly know as Dan - still...Superior

April 5th, 2012
10:02 am

@Brat

That’s exactly it; the “(s)he’s not that way with me” comment. But like I said, it’s acceptable until it gets turned on you.

What up DM?

@lola

When I say catalyst, I mean being the reason to change – your talking about an exchange (behavior around you for puddy). I’m talking sincere “this is a good (wo)man, I want to be what (s)he needs in life.”

That right thurr ^^ is less abrupt (see gradually getting their isht together unprompted) and more permanent than what you’re speaking on.

lolalee

April 5th, 2012
10:05 am

Dan
“I’m talking sincere “this is a good (wo)man, I want to be what (s)he needs in life.”

Exactly. So that person WANTS to change, and the other person can catalyze that change. The underlying desire has to come from the person who is making the change.

I think we’;re on the same page.

Slim's got the fever!

April 5th, 2012
10:12 am

I agree with many with regard to the desire to ‘nurture/help/assist’ or as lola put it, fixup a nother is always a matter of self-esteem. Some people are just nurturers by nature. And often times, it’s easier to find solutions or see areas of improvment in others than it is to see in ourselves.

DreamsMaterialize

April 5th, 2012
10:17 am

Confidence is cool, but not when it abuses other people. That’s the difference between ‘confident’ and ‘jerk’
lola There’s certainly a difference between being confident and being a jerk, but different doesn’t make them mutually exclusive. A person can be confident AND a jerk. I’m saying that I think, for people who date “jerks”, they’re probably drawn to the confidence and not the jerk qualities.

Dan What’s good man? Just working on my end.

lolalee

April 5th, 2012
10:17 am

gotta check out now, happy day to all.

kimmie

April 5th, 2012
10:18 am

Morning All!

Who knows why people date or stay with jerks or any other folks that display anti-social behavior? Only the person in it can answer that.

A lot of times, this is why people break up, looking from the outside in. I know it’s why I’ve broken things off or didn’t want to date certain guys. To the outside world these guys were smart, handsome, successful, etc. But dealing with them one-on-one was impossible. Then people would ask “Girl, why you let that go? You’re gonna end up by yourself being so choosy.” When I would attempt to explain why, they would brush it off & say I could “work with that”. Are you kidding me? Then if I was an idiot and stayed, when things would come to a head, then it was “Well, you knew he was a jerk, you were stupid for staying”.

Everyone has their threshold for what they will tolerate or not. I respect everyone’s right as an adult to make their own decision about what they will and won’t deal with. Allow me mine.

Oh, and I do believe a person can change. They would just have to do it on their own time. That’s all I ever hear dudes complain about – that a woman is trying to “change” them and won’t accept them as they are. Guess what? I will absolutely accept you as you are. I just don’t have to deal with it, but I will recognize that’s how you are! K?

czBrat

April 5th, 2012
10:23 am

i agree, light. YOU would see the fake persona, but the chick that sticks with the jerk either NEEDS to believe he is being one way with her because she’s special to him and another way with others because they’re meaningless; or she is just determined to show him the error of his ways.

and when she’s done fixing him up, he’ll go be a wonderful, well-rounded citizen with some other gal.

slim, i would consider myself a natural nurturer, but i don’t actively go about looking for extra work. i put in my 4-6 hours per month of community service. no need to bring the social work home and let it lounge on my sofa.

New and just lurking around

April 5th, 2012
10:25 am

A lot of girls in my experience just love that jerk type of behavior and dislike the “Nice” guys. guys hate hearing “He is such a nice guy but …” .
IMO, guys have become conditioned to getting positive reactions from a lot of girls when they act like a jerk towards a lot of ladies. the rational becomes “why would i act like a nice guy and lose the girl when i can act like a jerk and become a chick magnet?”

the jerk behavior may not be attractive to the much older ladies or the ladies that have bad experiences with bad boys but a lot of girls between 21-30, just love jerkish behavior.

kimmie

April 5th, 2012
10:30 am

Brat – Amen, I’m just not the “work with him” type. I am very much a nurturer – to kids, the sick, the elderly, or anyone else truly in need. A grown A adult – no. A helpmate to my husband – yes. His crutch? No.

And yeah, seen too many of my friends be that ride-or-die fixerupper work-with-him chick, only for dude to leave them for this chick that didn’t lift a finger to try to “change” him.

czBrat

April 5th, 2012
10:34 am

To the outside world these guys were smart, handsome, successful, etc. But dealing with them one-on-one was impossible. Then people would ask “Girl, why you let that go? You’re gonna end up by yourself being so choosy.”
let the choir sang!!

Oh, and I do believe a person can change. They would just have to do it on their own time.
and for their own reasons. changing who you are just to please someone else is NOT the answer.

a lot of girls between 21-30, just love jerkish behavior.
once again giving thanx that thing 1 is a mini-me. there’s a huge gulf between being mr. nice guy and being a jerk. it’s called being a gentleman, and guys are doing in their 10s, 20s, 30s all the way to 100+. it takes patience and setting a standard to find them, but it’s well worth it.

disco

April 5th, 2012
10:36 am

kimmie / brat – I’m so far from a nurturer it’s not even funny. I was recently given two plants and a friend and I joked as to that being like a death sentence to the plants. in my defense i plan to give it the old college try but I admit that’s probably not worth much. I went to water the plants one day and the poor things sucked the water down so fast I felt guilty.

Slim's got the fever!

April 5th, 2012
10:37 am

cz – Going out to look for it is one thing and that would not be me. No one is perfect and there are always going to be things one can improve on.

Does improvement have to equal CHANGE per say???

kimmie

April 5th, 2012
10:38 am

New – I think it is actually a difference between a “bad boy” and a jerk, though the two can be intertwined. A lot of bad boys I’ve known can be quite charming. Never dated them because I’ve always liked nerds, but a lot of the rough-around-the-edges guys are not walking around punching everyone in the face! On the other hand, some of the nerdy so-called nice guys that I have encountered have turned out to be complete jerks! So you can’t judge a book by it’s cover. I would get with the so-called nice guy thinking he would not hurt me. Some of these “nice” dudes are completely lacking in social skills. It’s a reason why they strike out and finish last. If they were “truly” nice, they wouldn’t have any trouble getting any woman they wanted. I’ve seen it in action.

The man formerly know as Dan - still...Superior

April 5th, 2012
10:40 am

@DM

Working here to, both jobs.

kimmie

April 5th, 2012
10:41 am

disco – You & I are alike on the plant thing!LOL! But I am trying to grow some herbs to cook with this spring, so I’ll keep you posted on my progress!

disco

April 5th, 2012
10:42 am

kimmie – I think a bad boy can at least be sexy even when you know everything about him is just so wrong. with a jerk, even if you thought he was sexy, as soon as you realize he’s a jerk the sex appeal just fizzles out.

kimmie

April 5th, 2012
10:50 am

disco – I totally agree. So many guys just do not understand that sex appeal that alot of bad boys possess. And the stupid ones see the bad boys getting alot of play so they think by going around being a jerk to women is going to get them some of that play. That’s not going to work either, sorry!

Slim's got the fever!

April 5th, 2012
10:53 am

O/T: On the herbs and cooking thing, you know how you may want to try a new recipe. You check out what’s needed and there is a long list of different spices/herbs seasonings to use…Well, I believe it is Mccormick that has recipes that come with the amount of the different seasonings needed to make that dish. I can’t wait to try one of them out.

Into the Light

April 5th, 2012
10:57 am

Slim: I’ve seen those. Pretty neat concept; wonder if they’re any good?

kimmie

April 5th, 2012
10:58 am

Slim – I have one of those McCormick kits at home I have not used yet. I used one for a shrimp pasta dish. They are quite convinient and tasty.

There is so much out there that even the inexperienced cook can use to make quick simple meals. Those that whine about not being able to cook anything are not trying or just need to admit they don’t want to. And that’s okay, but who wants to live on fast food? I know I don’t.

Slim's got the fever!

April 5th, 2012
11:08 am

ITL/kimmie – Yeah a friend on mine told me about it so I may trek over to that aisle the next time I go shopping and see what new dish I can experiment with. My palate often craves for something new and I’m sure the beau would appreciate it. Speaking of which, he did a crockpot roast this past Sunday and it was Delish ;-)

kimmie

April 5th, 2012
11:12 am

Slim – Yeah, I gotta change it up sometimes. Hubs & the kids are getting more open to the changes. They would eat the same thing every day if it was up to them. But I can usually gauge what they might like and 90% of the time, I’m right. They go slowly …..LOL

Crockpot roast sounds divine!

disco

April 5th, 2012
11:14 am

ahh. looks like we’ve moved on to our favorite topic of all – FOOD. I don’t generally cook huge full, fledged meals but I must admit I’m itching to go and buy a spiral sliced ham. if I do get around to buying said ham I’d have to cook an entire “holiday meal” around it. i could also go for a good pair of chocolate bunny ears. too bad there are no kiddies in my life that i can jack. sure i could just buy one but it wouldn’t be the same.

Slim's got the fever!

April 5th, 2012
11:19 am

disco – ooooh, a whole feast sounds great about now. This could be our first Blogs Day Dinner. Let us know when to show up hungry and ready to eat! :D

kimmie

April 5th, 2012
11:21 am

disco – I got a spiral sliced from Costco last week. Half the price of a Honeybaked. I’m making things as simple as I can though, with the sides. For some reason, I am itching for some turnip greens! I don’t know why, because I don’t usually go for them, I love collards. Greens are work, but my itch is strong, so Imma have to find some to cook!

Kat

April 5th, 2012
11:25 am

Those little cards with the spices on them are pretty good. They have some for Asian and Indian dishes that are quite tasty. It’s good to experiment with so you aren’t forking over (pun intended) too much $$$ on individual spices before you KNOW you like them in something. Go for the Tikka Masala. Yum!

disco

April 5th, 2012
11:27 am

slim – considering the main reason I don’t cook like that is because no one is around to eat all the food you almost could’ve had me. perhaps if I actually lived in Atlanta and I wasn’t so “funny acting” about folks coming to my house it would be on.

kimmie – not that you said your itch was strong. go on ahead and get them greens girl. I could go for some greens myself.

Slim's got the fever!

April 5th, 2012
11:30 am

disco – Well, cant blame a chick for trying lol