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Would you still be interested?

I was told by a guy friend that if women ever wanted to figure out when to take a guy seriously, ask themselves one question: If there was no sex involved, would they still be interested in you?

When a guy decides to pursue someone, he often has more than one reason to continue the pursuit. Sex is not always the top reason he is staying interested. Some women believe that that is the only reason some men stick around but I am not sure if that is the case.

If you are seeing someone now, would you still be interested if you were just friends?

What keeps you interested in someone? When do you lose interest?

By Wise Diva, Misadventures in Atlanta Dating Blog

128 comments Add your comment

Lily

April 2nd, 2012
7:12 am

Diva, the.best situation is one where everything is there….everything, void of sex. I can definitely hang around if sex isn’t on the forefront. Sex is always eventual and the least of my worries. I’m always happy someone leaves or gets ghost for a lack of sex.That’s a screening process in and of itself. No friendship, no sex.

Lily

April 2nd, 2012
7:16 am

I lose interest when you’re wearing “wanting sex” like a banner. For me, that’s a turnoff.

Good day!

Row 125, seat 11B

April 2nd, 2012
8:12 am

To approach a relationship and willfully take sex out of the mix is to undercut the relationship from the start. Now i am not saying that sex is the end all to be all, but it is as important as the communication, or compatability…..I can not see anyone going into a relationship saying ahead of time, I am just not going to talk to him/ her… Now the horndog thats trying to force the issue changes the game..Kinda like the girl that always brags about only dealing in name brands or the guy that won’t shut up about his “other car”. But to take away a linchpin of a healthy relationoship from the go…well that is a setup for a breakup…..

Mr. Unknown

April 2nd, 2012
8:42 am

Good morning,
If there was no sex involved, would they still be interested in you? Nope, especially if “sex” is being used as some sort of game or guage right of the bat. Naw, I pass. If you are only as deep as your P____, nope! Also don’t start a relationship with sex, then try and turn into a saint afterwards. Red flag!

Mr. Unknown

April 2nd, 2012
8:54 am

“I was told by a guy friend that if women ever wanted to figure out when to take a guy seriously, ask themselves one question:” Tell your guy friend, Why would you ever give a reason for a woman to over think something. I swear, worst than Steve Harvey!! lol

Mr. Unknown

April 2nd, 2012
9:11 am

What keeps you interested in someone? When she laughs at the silly things in life. When she shows interest in things outside of herself such as charities, helping her friends or loved ones when no one else would, love, love, love a good hearted woman, also she has her own set of goals before I ever came into the picture.

Leggs

April 2nd, 2012
9:20 am

Good morning. It’s going to be a beautiful day!!!!

If you are seeing someone now, would you still be interested if you were just friends? – I would, he seems to be a very person. Attentive, interested in what I have to say, and sex is not on the front burner (for the time being). That’s good. We are starting out getting to know each other. When it happens it happens, but it’s not “knowingly” front and center where I sense I’m the main course. Well, we both may be the main course, but that meal will be eaten much later (if at all).

<em?What keeps you interested in someone? His concern for himself and others, his ability to laugh, joke and be silly. His agenda in life, his character, how he treats and interact with me.

When do you lose interest? – When all he talks about is sex, octopus hands, not much to talk about.

Slim's got the fever!

April 2nd, 2012
9:34 am

Good morning Everybody,

Yes I would still be interested in the beau if we were just friends.

Mr. Unknown

April 2nd, 2012
9:39 am

Morning Leggs,
“Attentive, interested in what I have to say, and sex is not on the front burner” Do you believe that most guys are attentive and show interested in what you have to say inorder to have sex with you. How do you weed out the fakers from the good ones?

Selena

April 2nd, 2012
9:47 am

We started out sooooo good. It took about 2 moths before we had sex, now I feel that sex is the bain of our whole exsistance. So when when you say don’t have sex too soon into the relationship, thats so relative. I say its not a matter of sooner or later, its a matter of maturity. As for he and I, at this point I dont know if we can be friends afterwards. So for those who managed to make the transition to friendship, thats a testiment to peoople who truly value each other above anything else.

Slim's got the fever!

April 2nd, 2012
9:50 am

Mr. U – I know you weren’t necessarily asking me but yes some dudes are very attentive or interested in what we have to say in order to GDD’s (Get da drawers. As with everything though, time will tell. I don’t believe there will ever be a Full Proof process because some folks are experts as keeping up facades for a long period of time. All I could say is to just take your time and do things in a way that you can feel good about regardless of if it works out or not. At the end of the day, you still have to be you and live your life playing by your own rules.

Leggs

April 2nd, 2012
9:54 am

Morning, Mr. Unknown.

Yes, sometimes that is definitely the case. The guy feigns interest in you, tolerate what you have to say, appear to want to hear what you have to say, but there usually is always a slip giving way to one’s true intentions. All you have to do is listen. A sure sign is when you’re always cut off because he has something to say he feel is more important than what you’re already aying. There’s usually a carefully veiled sexual reference whether it’s directed at you or told in a story about someone else.

How do you weed out the fakers from the good ones? LISTENING, LISTENING, LISTENING. Your vibes/gut will not steer you wrong.

Leggs

April 2nd, 2012
9:55 am

That should be LISTEN….

abc

April 2nd, 2012
9:57 am

The tough part for chicks is separating the emotionally intimate from the physically intimate. A man will stick around someone he’s truly interested in if emotional intimacy exists or at least is in play. Sex can come later. A woman who is really a long-term or permanent potential is usually quite obvious to a man. If there’s uncertainty about that, there’s probably no potential.

Slim's got the fever!

April 2nd, 2012
10:07 am

A woman who is really a long-term or permanent potential is usually quite obvious to a man

abc – So curious, what sorts of things stand out to a man when it comes to deciding if a woman is in fact a long-term/permanent partner?

Celisea

April 2nd, 2012
10:11 am

Morning….lovely weekend :)

I guess I have the lazies this morning. I was typing a post and it just felt like I was putting way too much thought and explanation in trying to get it said so, I’ll say this…..

I like what abc said. For the most part, patience or no I’m not having sex unless we’ve established something solid and of substance….that being a friendship.

Celisea

April 2nd, 2012
10:14 am

What keeps me interested? A man that stays interested in me. A man that’s not brow breating the issue of sex. It’s gonna happen, TRUST ME, if something solid is there. Nothing solid? Nothing happening. Period. Point blank. Call me crazy, not with it, having issues, whatevs…nothing doing. Because really, even with all that still you can still encounter someone that’s just in it for the hunt.

Mr. Unknown

April 2nd, 2012
10:14 am

Slim~ In otherwords you don’t live in fear. “GDD” Why do I hear Tommy voice from the Martin Show. “Get da Draws Dog”!! lol Leggs~ “There’s usually a carefully veiled sexual reference whether it’s directed at you or told in a story about someone else.” Or It could just be flirting but I do agree with trusting your gut though. It will never fail you.

Leggs

April 2nd, 2012
10:16 am

<em?"…you can still encounter someone that’s just in it for the hunt. – And, to be honest, it’s not hard to spot. Some of you guys are so transparent.

Leggs

April 2nd, 2012
10:18 am

@Mr. Unknown ~ flirting is flirting and welcomed. My point is you can flirt w/o any sexual references right out the gate. That’s sexy.

abc

April 2nd, 2012
10:21 am

Slim, it might be chemical, in fact I’d say something literally chemical pretty much has to be present, but also lack of psycho-drama, decent family relationships, sharp mind, appealing and active interests, and so on. A man has to genuinely enjoy the lady’s company, just because of who she is as a person. While there are plenty of genuinely interesting women in the world, it’s relatively rare for a man to meet one that has genuine appeal to him in that regard. Kind of a paradox.

abc

April 2nd, 2012
10:23 am

…and after all that, if she’s very fair of face, with a great figure, and seriously trips one’s trigger in the bam bam area, done deal, wrap, buy the ring, lockdown! Not exactly rocket science.

kimmie

April 2nd, 2012
10:24 am

Morning All!

Contrary to what abc said, I’ve never had a problem separating the two forms of intimacy, they have always just been REQUIRED to intertwine in my world. I need to feel some kind of way emotionally before there can be any physical involvement. That’s what separates me & most women from most men. And I make no apologies for that. I never threw my body around like that. Just because we went out on a few dates doesn’t make me obligated to sleep with you. Things will naturally take their course and the speed by which things happen depends on the 2 people involved and the connection established. If a guy was so hot in the pants that he couldn’t wait for what would have naturally happened anyway, if he couldn’t see the connection we were forming by getting to know each other and not jumping the gun, he could kick rocks.

Unless dude was just out for that from jump, I never had one to knowingly stop seeing me just because we hadn’t gone there yet. I guess I must have always had it written on my face that I wasn’t a “wham bam” type of woman, so I guess if that’s all they wanted, most dudes like that would never approach me anyway.

Leggs

April 2nd, 2012
10:36 am

“…I wasn’t a “wham bam” type of woman, so I guess if that’s all they wanted, most dudes like that would never approach me anyway.” – More probably have approached you than you think, just quickly realized “she’s not the one!”

kimmie

April 2nd, 2012
10:39 am

Leggs – Yeah, you are probably right. I didn’t get any play in high school though, cause dudes knew I wasn’t going there!LOL!!

Mike P

April 2nd, 2012
10:49 am

WD-”If you are seeing someone now, would you still be interested if you were just friends?”

Depends… If she and I were friends before seeing each other, yes… If my initial approach was to dating you, then no we can’t remain friends; you’d fade to black!

I rarely go out of my way to maintain a friendship with a women afterwards; I figure its more important for her than for me so “let her do most of the work in maintaining it.” I find that its just not worth all the effort for me; this has been my experience on the subject.

Mike P

April 2nd, 2012
10:50 am

Good Morning all

kimmie

April 2nd, 2012
10:52 am

Reading back at the topic, I’m not cool on Wise’s friend. For a woman to have to ask herself if this dude she’s been seeing would still be interested if no intimacy had been involved, thats basically saying all she has to offer is her body. Hopefully if she’s in just a physical relationship only or a FWB with said dude, she knows it. Otherwise, a better question would be “do me & said dude have enough in common and shared interests and values and strong enough connection to continue? Do I see a future with dude?

Celisea

April 2nd, 2012
10:56 am

I didn’t get that from reading the post. I ask myself the same and I know there’s more to me than sex. I don’t think it’s a thing incredible to wonder if someone in just in it for sex. My assumption is you only want the phyiscal unless I see different and something solid forms.

That’s just me though and very humble opinion :)

Celisea

April 2nd, 2012
10:57 am

I think asking if it’s purely sex in a round about way IS asking if there are other things and areas where we connect and share the same interests. I think it’s just semantics at play.

kimmie

April 2nd, 2012
11:08 am

Celisea – I see, I guess it is just semantics. To me it’s seems so obvious when the physical is the only motivation, so there’s no need to ask. What are the other things that are holding this relationship together?

Just twisting it around in my head!

Celisea

April 2nd, 2012
11:11 am

Kimmie – I hear you….we’re on the same page.

Row 125, seat 11B

April 2nd, 2012
11:12 am

Wait a sec….Let me ask this question…..Do any of you date without the expectation of something permanent forming??? Not talking about sleeping around or antything like that,, But date ….Movies, concerts, dinners ..Just dating without the expectation of a LTL……

kimmie

April 2nd, 2012
11:13 am

Mike P – In my opinion, it is ALWAYS more trouble to maintain a friendship with an ex, which is why I don’t do it. I concentrate on the friendships I already had before and the relationship I have with my man after ex. Ex is my past, not my future.

Leggs

April 2nd, 2012
11:18 am

I’m not, Row 125. I have friends to do all that with. I’m dating for LTR so I can enjoy doing that with HIM. Don’t want to open my rolodex and call up Jimmy to accompany me to the Maze concert, then bid him a farewell good night. I have friends for that. I date to connect. If there’s no connection, no need to linger…

kimmie

April 2nd, 2012
11:19 am

Row – I’m married now, but when I was single, dating with no expectations is hard to do. I mean, I guess you could just go on a lot of 1st and only dates! That way, no expectation of anything. But at some point, most are going to be expecting SOMETHING, be it physical intimacy, exclusivity, something. Most men I know are not going to be spending money and time on a woman and expect nothing. If a woman is doing the same with a guy – spending her time and yes, at times her money, at some point somethings gotta give.

If all I want to do is hang out with no strings, that’s what my girlfriends and family are for.

Row 125, seat 11B

April 2nd, 2012
11:28 am

Ok..That being said, How is that senario different than the one WD presented???? I ask, because on occasion, I do date without expectations….This is how I decide if a person is someone I want to see on a deeper level….We laugh, talk, and generally enjoy the company and at the end of the date, I go my way and she goes hers…I find that it is so much easier to date when the prospect of LTR is not hanging in the balance. We are allowed to jsut kind of be ourselves…enjoy an event of common intrest with no added pressure….She is not under the gun to give it up, and I do not feel teh need toprep for happily ever after…

kimmie

April 2nd, 2012
11:40 am

Row – What you are talking about sounds like a 1st date or the 1st few dates. You said this is how you decide if it’s someone you want to continue to see on a deeper level – I thought that was the case with most people. I never went on the 1st few dates with a guy expecting him to be my husband down the line coming out the gate – that sounds crazy and a tad stalkerish!LOL!! Each date is either a build up to wanting to continue to get to know someone or not. It can stop at one date or continue on to the next. Both parties should be free to be themselves regardless though, and she should never be under the gun to give it up under any circumstances.

kimmie

April 2nd, 2012
11:46 am

Row – Also, the prospect of a LTR with someone shouldn’t equal pressure, at least in my opinion. If it’s someone I see I want in my life for the long term, that should be a joy, not a burden.

Mike P

April 2nd, 2012
11:47 am

@kimmie: I didn’t just mean my ex’s… I also meant those I desire to date but they just (1)”wanna be friends with me” and (2) those of whom I’ve dated once or twice and for whatever reason, we didn’t hit it off.

Maintaining friendships with women requires a-lot of effort from us men, and when we don’t benefit or don’t see an obvious benefit, we bail or fade out. The woman in question have to be really worth the effort. just my humble honest opinion.

Celisea

April 2nd, 2012
11:51 am

Mike P – Maintaining friendships with women requires a-lot of effort from us men, and when we don’t benefit or don’t see an obvious benefit,

First let me know I’m not knocking your opinion so don’t take offense but let me ask, how is it that maintaining a friendship take effort? I don’t understand. Friendships are free and just that. Now if there’s more you “expect”, can you call it a friendship?

Row 125, seat 11B

April 2nd, 2012
11:51 am

Kimmie I think I may not have stated my question clearly…..I have often gone on dates because I wanted to go out….Done so without either the expectation of her being the “one”, or thinking of sexing at the end of the night. To use an example the Leegs used earlier, I want to see Frankie Beverly and I recently met a lady that might like the show..I don’t want to go alone, so I ask..we go have a great time…In my mind, its ok to jsut let that be that….. No need to plan the next date… No thoughts of PSS at 2am…I may have just wanted some company at the concert, and she may have just wanted to see the show….

Celisea

April 2nd, 2012
11:52 am

First let me say not first let me know

Sorry, just heard and VERY VERY good friend was let go and I’m still reeling

Lady~

April 2nd, 2012
11:54 am

Good Day MIA~

Randyt (aka, what do I know, I'm still single again)

April 2nd, 2012
11:58 am

Hi All, Hi Leggs. In a place where blogging is not a good idea but wanted to briefly say hi.

On topic, for me (okay start with attractive, I am shallow in that regard), ‘interesting’, ‘comfortable’, and doesn’t ‘go crazy’ are my priorities. Sex is the icing on the cake and I never pursue it. If it is there, it will happen without pushing it. Again, I would say that I ahve more relationships screw up because of hiting the sheets too soon, than waiting a little, but the fact is that when the time is right, both know and accept.

:-)

Randyt (aka, what do I know, I'm still single again)

April 2nd, 2012
11:59 am

hitting not hiting, have not ahve…typing still like what a Hoover is known for.

kimmie

April 2nd, 2012
12:04 pm

Row – Okay. That’s nice in theory. Unfortunately, things are just more complicated than that in reality. Are we talking about someone you are already friends with? I would have a hard time going to a concert or anywhere with a man that’s a total stranger and is he paying? It’s much easier to buy my own ticket and go with some girlfriends. You may be a very nice man that would not expect anything, but that’s just not how the world usually operates.

Randyt (aka, what do I know, I'm still single again)

April 2nd, 2012
12:08 pm

On topic, one of the dangers in this whole scenario is that women do try to over analyze things. I suspect this is the case too. This weekend, a relationship ended for me. She thought my lack of attention was because i was only interested in her “skills”. No, the reason I was inattentive was that we had different ideas of communications and I that caused ‘caution’ on my part. It could have worked, until she spent the night with the guy from Buckhead with the Maseratti and didn’t think I knew…sorry but one strike and you are out, no matter how good you are with your…

kimmie

April 2nd, 2012
12:11 pm

Mike P – Gotcha. I feel the same about maintaining friendships with dudes too, to be honest. Unless they bat for the same team, it’s easier to have my platonic friendships limited to girlfriends or family friends. Trying to maintain some kind of friendship with a dude that put me in the friendzone from jump seems a bit stupid.

kimmie

April 2nd, 2012
12:16 pm

Celisea – It is all a bit confusing, this friendship thing, but whatever!LOL!!