accessAtlanta

City & State or ZIP Tonight, this weekend, May 5th...
City & State or ZIP
City & State or ZIP Tonight, this weekend, May 5th...
City & State or ZIP

Know why you got dumped?

Imagine dating someone for a couple of weeks and believing things were progressing to something serious, then the person up and disappears. There is no explanation, no message, no post-it note, no text message.

Now, most people move on and wonder from time to time what happened. Then there are those who sort of go out of their way to get an answer because they think they deserve to know.

Do you think it is important to know why you got dumped? I think this may be something that women struggle with more than guys. I rarely hear men complain about the disappearing acts of women they are interested in.

Why is it so hard to let someone know they are not the one? If you knew the reason you were dumped, do you think it would be helpful to know?

By Wise Diva, Misadventures in Atlanta Dating Blog

285 comments Add your comment

Lily

March 29th, 2012
6:53 am

Diva, I can honestly say I’ve never had someone to fall off the side of the earth on me. My thoughts however are if they do, let them move on. Any self respcting decent adult will have no problem letting you know things aren’t working out. Only the immature pull stunts like disappearing. And in this case let move it along. Now if it’s the case of stalling, playing games, sending mixed signals, saying one thing yet doing differently, wanting you to sit on hold, wanting to have their cake and eat it too…..then yes. They don’t necessarily have to “explain” but you letting them know you’re not having that is in order. Again, just plain silence and getting lost? Leave them gone.

Jeff

March 29th, 2012
7:24 am

Sometimes it’s better to not ask questions that you really don’t want to know the answer to. And if the person was completely honest with you, would you make an effort to change that issue for the future, or get all self righteous about it? What’s your real motivation for finding out?

Lady~

March 29th, 2012
7:50 am

Good Morning MIA!!!!!!!!!! ;)

hmmmmm @ the topic. Let me ponder………..

CoolShadow

March 29th, 2012
8:26 am

Do you think it is important to know why you got dumped?

We’d like to know what happened, especially when you were digging the person and things seemingly fell apart for no reason. We want to know for the purposes of closure but do we really get it? It’s probably best to move on and engage your healing process because the dumping you get now may be saving you from a whole lot more drama down the road.

LL411

March 29th, 2012
8:34 am

Imagine dating someone for a couple of weeks and believing things were progressing to something serious, then the person up and disappears. There is no explanation, no message, no post-it note, no text message. >>>>>

This happened just recently, and I will admit that on the surface things appeared ok but on another level I started to realize that we really were not a match… I’ve only known you and you me for a couple of weeks… If he had wanted to share an explanation ok, if not thats ok too.

I don’t have a problem with the fade this early into the get to know. I know neither one did anything egregious… move on.

LL411

March 29th, 2012
8:36 am

Like CoolShadow said… saving you from a whole lot of drama down the road.

Rick

March 29th, 2012
8:38 am

Nope, don’t want to know and don’t care to know. If you don’t think I’m a good match for you, then move it on down the road. There are plenty of fish in the sea and plenty of horses to ride. Dust yourself off and get back to the rodeo. The worst thing that you can do is wail, throw sand in the air and gnash your teeth about it. Many times I’ve had my ex come back because she wondered why I moved on so fast. Then she decided she had made a mstake. That hesitation was her SECOND mistake.

lucinda

March 29th, 2012
9:13 am

**Imagine dating someone for a couple of weeks and believing things were progressing to something serious…**

well if you think it’s turning “serious’ in just a couple of weeks, that might be why they ran for the hills! Too much, too fast. I’d run, too.

disco

March 29th, 2012
9:17 am

good morning guys. I refer to this phenomenon as the “fadeaway”. funny it’s today’s topic because just last night I was visiting a friend and asked about a date that she was so excited about. she and said guy had been out a few times and were supposed to go out last week. she told me that he was a no call, no show, no text, no facebook message, no nothing. she says she hasn’t heard from him since he scheduled the date.

do I want to know why a person fades away? if there’s any time at all invested then – yep. it’s just the decent thing to do. i’ve got lots of theories as to why guys do the fadeaway move but they all boil down to the inability to man up.

Slim's got the fever!

March 29th, 2012
9:19 am

Rick after reading your post, I got a strong urge to go horseback riding on the beach with the wind blowing in my hair and sand in between my toes. ;-)

Lady~

March 29th, 2012
9:30 am

**Imagine dating someone for a couple of weeks and believing things were progressing to something serious…** <<<<<<<<< This has happen to me and I just follow the rules of the game of dating. cease all communication ponder it, talk about it for a few to a close friend and keep it moving gracefully. Less is always more and I will venture out to say there were clues and red flags leading up to the going both ways. I am a firm believer the writing is written on the wall. Now if one needs to truly work on themselves and not jump to a new fling I encourage that. No one may not be the blame for every disconnection but a self evaluation would help to determine what path the person is truly seeking. Laws of attraction is real as well and if you keep attracting 2 week flings then I would focus more on me and not them as to why. You only have the power to deal with YOU~ ;)

Tired Out

March 29th, 2012
9:31 am

Actually, I just recently went through this. I thought things were getting serious. We were spending lots of time together, in groups, alone, going places…and then she just disappeared. I know she’s still around, because we have mutual friends, but she just stopped talking to me…and didn’t explain why. It’s been about four months since she stopped, and yeah sometimes it still bugs me, but for the most part I’ve moved on. The biggest part that irks me, as you wrote in the article, is the lack of explanation.

LL411

March 29th, 2012
9:31 am

Lucinda… right you are. It wasn’t that serious , couldn’t be we just met LOL!

lucinda

March 29th, 2012
9:37 am

amen Lady, amen. After two or three or four losers, one might take a long hard look in the mirror. That’s not easy to do, but it is so necessary. I have a wonderful friend who keeps finding inappropriate dates, and its mostly because she sees herself in a certain way, and so sets her sites way too low. I also know others who think they deserve something way over their head, but don’t bring the right stuff to the table. Gotta know who you are and where you fit.
I’ll step off soapbox now.

Lady~

March 29th, 2012
9:41 am

Leggs

March 29th, 2012
9:47 am

Good morning.

Why is it so hard to let someone know they are not the one? – I would imagine most want to spare someone hurt feelings so a disappearing act is emotionally safer yet mentally dibilitating.

If you knew the reason you were dumped, do you think it would be helpful to know? – I often wondered this so a year or so ago I did ask. The reason he gave me for not wanting to go further is because I reminded him of his last gf who he felt was a cold, bitter, beyotch. Yep, that’s what he told me. I laughed, thanked him for his honesty, and laughed again. NEXT….

When meeting new people and going out a few times then all lines of communication cease, I just chalk it up to we are not compatible and I’m not his cup of tea. For the most part, an explanation is not needed because when communication has stopped, you have your answer. NEXT…

Lady~

March 29th, 2012
9:48 am

unrealistic expectations and low self esteem will get the same results and the insanity definition can come into play~

Tired Out

March 29th, 2012
9:51 am

Leggs – Good point about having your answer when communication has stopped, although I would add a caveat to that. In my case, mentioned above at 9:31, the lady I was with had been one of my friends for a few years. We weren’t best friends, nor were we barely friends. We met through mutual friends and, after some time actually started dating. If it’s someone you just met and they stop talking, then yeah, chalk it up to incompatibility. But if it’s someone you’ve known for a while, I would say that a basic explanation is not out of the realm of understanding.

disco

March 29th, 2012
9:56 am

tired out – that’s my thing too. not that I feel I’m “owed” an explanation so much as I think it’s the decent thing to do. I think just plain falling off the face of the earth is cowardly and since I’m a “talk about it, be about it” kind of girl I can’t really get with that.

Lady~

March 29th, 2012
9:57 am

@Tired Out I so feel your scenario!!!! been there done that with a former and an explanation never came but when he saw me out a year later he wanted to pick up s if nothing changed. The nerve of some folks but folks only do what you allow. No communication suffice now without again no explanation because it is greatly understood~

Celisea

March 29th, 2012
9:58 am

Morning lovelies,

Off topic: I’ve been doing it this morning :) Finished watching a movie, took a bath, kid off to school (or car pool I should say), filled tank (80.38…ugh) returned movie and dropped clothes off at cleaners…..all by 8:24 a.m. No particular reason for sharing that…just wanted to :)

On topic: I cannot relate to someone pulling the disappearing act…seriously. I can though relate to dragging of the feet and probably eventually the fade away. Me though? If I see the handwriting on the wall, I’m asking. Period. Point blank. I’m not waiting, hoping or praying for a favorable outcome…lol I have VERY little patient for bullcrappery and will pull your coat tail. It’s not even a matter of beating you to the punch or anything of the sort. My time is precious and I don’t take too kind to wasting it. Don’t start with me something you can’t finish or don’t intend to finish. Don’t start with me something where you’re not sure going in. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t mean you have to know all the answers but you know whether or not you’re willing. If you are crossed with “what to do what to do”, talk to me. But tettering, not sure, too many in the line-up IMO are all things that can lead to the disappearing act.

If it’s a case where after a couple of dates we just didn’t get a backbone and say that.

Lady~

March 29th, 2012
10:01 am

Hey C!~ I can’t wait to Monday coming to do what you did this morning absolutely what I wan to do without accountability! lol Give us free~

Exiled!

March 29th, 2012
10:02 am

I ain’t telling if the sex was bad!

Hey uall!!!! :lol:

Celisea

March 29th, 2012
10:02 am

Hey there Lady….

It is Monday or Tuesday? April 3rd is Tuesday. I’m excited!! I’m gonna send links today :)

Lady~

March 29th, 2012
10:03 am

It is Tuesday for us but Spring Break starts Monday and that is what I was reference just being off work for a week! yay!

Lady~

March 29th, 2012
10:04 am

Hey Ex!!!!!!!!!!!!! LMBAO @ U dude!

They are just not that into you

March 29th, 2012
10:06 am

Get over it and move on…and when you do move on, don’t assume that something is wrong with you. I’m not saying don’t reflect, but don’t assume the negative about yourself either. jmo

Lady~

March 29th, 2012
10:09 am

great post @TAJNTIY I so agree reflect and move on. I had to learn that process too that I was just fine and they just wasn’t interested and that is OK. ;)

Celisea

March 29th, 2012
10:09 am

Gotcha Lady….I’m excited too :)

Celisea

March 29th, 2012
10:13 am

I’m not one to do a lot of whoa is me, self reflecting, what did I do wrong, how could I have done better….I’m not and I just don’t. If you disappear you’re a buster point blank. Nowhere I need to reflect until you fix that one thing about yourself…lol

Now, if you said to me, hey baby it’s not going to work out because of such and such (things I might be doing to cause detriment), then I can take that into stride and with a grain of salt and will reflect at minimum…depending on the dude. If you’re standup yep, I’m going to dig into where I can be better, if you full of crap then don’t tell me about myself. And again, if you’re a buster and you disappear then definitely not!

Okay I’m sounding like strong black coffee this morning but really I’m good :)

disco

March 29th, 2012
10:13 am

lady/just not into you – I’m sure some think it’s all about them and what they did wrong but I’m not that chick. I tend to think the buster wasn’t paying attention on the day they taught manhood training and thus I ultimately dodged a bullet. (of course, I’m not fronting that the hood me doesn’t fantasize about throwing a brick at a windshield or something…)

Celisea

March 29th, 2012
10:15 am

disco disco disco – we are aligned this morning

Celisea

March 29th, 2012
10:15 am

We even both pegged a disappearing dude as a “BUSTER” What a coinkidink…lol

Leggs

March 29th, 2012
10:17 am

@Tired Out ~ in the case you presented, she was wrong. For a friend of a substantial amount of years to all of a sudden stop speaking and lose all contact is hurtful. Only natural to be plagued with “what happened,” “what went wrong,” or “what did I do.” More often than not, it’s probably nothing you did, just that they are corwardly and suspect in what they are doing behind your back. A punk is a punk, male and female.

They are just not that into you

March 29th, 2012
10:18 am

@Celisea- an unexamined experience was’nt worth having in the first place. I’m not saying whoa is me relecting…I’m saying take note. :)

They are just not that into you

March 29th, 2012
10:18 am

“reflecting”

Lady~

March 29th, 2012
10:19 am

I hear Disco~

disco

March 29th, 2012
10:20 am

C – I have a friend who uses the word buster so much that it just rubbed off on me. you know you take on the mannerisms/speech patterns of folks around you. my son says “whatnot” all the time and I find myself saying it too. ex used to say “chaps” when referring to his grandchildren and now chaps has entered my vocabulary.

leggs – a punk is a punk took me to mr. ed’s a horse is a horse

Lady~

March 29th, 2012
10:21 am

meant I hear ya disco

Celisea

March 29th, 2012
10:21 am

disco – True. I started using “good Lawd” when living with my kid’s dad. Next thing I know, cousins are saying it, picking it up from me. I just like the word buster and joker when talking about losers…lol

Lady~

March 29th, 2012
10:21 am

of course, of course Disco!!!!!!!!!!! LOL I loved watching Mr. Ed!!!!!

Lady~

March 29th, 2012
10:23 am

Buster is a 90’s term if you will lol but it has been replaced with Hater currently LOL #dead

Tired Out

March 29th, 2012
10:29 am

Leggs – I agree. Unfortunately, I have this naivete about me that I think others will handle situations as I do. I know, it’s naive. One of my friends from out of state asked me last week how she was and I told him that she and I had not spoken for months. I explained the situation and he said, “Maybe you just have to own up to the fact that she’s selfish and immature.” And he’s right. To just willingly put down a friendship like that seems pretty darn immature to me.

Into the Light

March 29th, 2012
10:34 am

I had this happen recently with a friend. We were always talking, IM’ing, texting, and then one day GHOST. I tried to call a couple of times and it was “Oh, I’m really busy with work. I’ll call you later.” but later never came. It was hurtful, but I reflected on the good and positive things I learned from him, sent him a text saying thanks for the season he spent in my life and the happiness he brought. Then I closed that chapter and kept it moving. :)

disco

March 29th, 2012
10:37 am

C – I’ve got a friend who plays “joker” out but that one never stuck with me. I do find myself saying “ninja” from time to time. my mother is fond of saying “that’s the ticket” when something is good to her.

lady – re 90s terms. how come my son said someone was “sweating himj” the other day. I bust out laughing.

Lady~

March 29th, 2012
10:38 am

have you ever been placed into friends zone in the middle of a first date or outing if you will or the 1st time you two went out?!? That happened to me. Never got a call back or a second date. I didn’t dwell on it not one bit. It was eye opening that it can happen and my feelings were not hurt I was just like wow I am not his type and sorta felt that going on the outing but went anyway.

Celisea

March 29th, 2012
10:38 am

disco – Funny how words catch

Lady~

March 29th, 2012
10:38 am

LOL disco! LOL that is an old one!

kimmie

March 29th, 2012
10:39 am

Morning All!

Yeah, disappearing act is a cowardly move. I must admit I’ve done it in the past, the early years. I would just not return calls or be really unavailable and hope they took the hint. It was never anyone I had been seeing awhile though. Usually just someone I had been on a few dates with, nobody I had gotten intimate with or anything. I’ve had guys do it to me, so I really couldn’t get mad UNLESS we had “gone there”. Then yeah, punk move. At least have the balls to say “hey, it’s just not working out”. I never pulled that stunt.

But I am the type that once I see the handwriting on the wall, I’m gone. I really don’t care what your reason is, bottom line you don’t want me. Closure really not necessary. But PLEASE don’t try to make a comeback – you will get your feelings hurt!LOL!!

I’ve always been arrogant enough to think it couldn’t possibly be anything I was doing wrong!LOL!! I hate it when folks do that to themselves. Unless it’s something glaringly obvious that you need to work on, accept that you are not going to be everyone’s cup of tea! Don’t allow the fact that someone didn’t choose you to bring you down. That’s true high self-esteem in my book!!

Into the Light

March 29th, 2012
10:39 am

@disco and Cely: I will use “Buster Brown” in a minute! I like joker, too. :lol:

Hey, Ex! Long time, no see.