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Dating: Better to wait for divorce papers?

I met a lot of men who respond to my “Are you truly single?” question with “I’m headed for divorce” or basically divorced, or my all time favorite “sleeping in separate rooms” – all responses that still qualify as married. Married as in NOT single.

I can understand why someone would be anxious to move on and find a new love, but is it better to wait for the official divorce papers before you actively pursue something serious?

I have a friend who did not wait to get serious with her “pending divorce” boyfriend. She moved in with him, redecorated his house, and pretty much replaced wife #1. It wasn’t long before she was being handed a summons to appear in court. She was tagged as the homewrecker who prevented any reconciliation.

I am sure if she had to do it all over again, she would have kept things friendly until her romantic interest was officially divorce. Do you have a problem seeing someone who is recently separated?

My friend Henry said that if someone is not divorced, it is highly likely that they are still having sex with their soon to be ex. For this reason, he does not pursue women until after the divorce is final. I wonder how many divorcees find their way back to their exes bedrooms post divorce?!

What do you think? Ok to date without divorce papers?

By Wise Diva, Misadventures in Atlanta Dating Blog

163 comments Add your comment

Jeff

March 28th, 2012
5:38 am

In theory, yes. But most men know the easiest and best lay is a recently separated woman who wants revenge on her soon to be ex. Sorry, but it’s true.

Lily

March 28th, 2012
6:57 am

Enter your comments here

Lily

March 28th, 2012
6:58 am

Why yes Diva…always

Lady~

March 28th, 2012
7:39 am

Good Morning MIA!!!! ;)

I will graciously let the experts tackle today’s topic! ;)

BJ

March 28th, 2012
8:17 am

IMO not only should s/he be officially divorced before you date them, but also at least six months past the final decree date. In-progress or post-marital rebound relationships rarely work out because there’s too much old baggage. Let the freshly divorced work out their marital and child custody issues on their own time, not yours.

n

March 28th, 2012
8:36 am

That is a great question. I really like it. At one time I sold do-it-yourself divorce kits. All of my customers were in another relationship. It was difficult to maintain my professional customer/seller relationship. I remember the pride my customers had in doing it themselves. They had been accustomed to taking whatever the spouse threw at them and now they were taking back their lives. But that is taking us away from the issue at hand, yes it is best to wait until there is finality to the marriage dissolution. Even better to see the official decree.

markie mark

March 28th, 2012
8:52 am

This hits kinda close to home….in my late 20’s, I fell pretty hard for a woman going thru a divorce….I resisted the offer/temptation to sleep with her (she had a 2 year old) so I didnt get dragged into her divorce fight. After 3 months, the day she got her divorce, she announced that a guy at her new job was moving in with her…..Here I was being honorable, and all she wanted was a warm body…

To make matters worse, she lived in the next building over. I had to drive by and see her new boyfriends car every morning. A year later, she knocked on my door and wanted some sympathy about how he had used her and left her……basically, the men are pigs routine. some days I am damn glad I waited for the divorce papers, some days I wonder what would have happened…

LL411

March 28th, 2012
8:54 am

I wasn’t interest in dating period… until well after the ink dried.

For me, I needed a mental break (peace is priceless), made sure the kids were ok and took care of personal business (i.e., finances) basically had to go back to the drawing board.

I had no set time to resume having a romantic relationship, as it turned out that did not happen for more than a year after my divorce.

Now, my BF jumped relationship to relationship for about four years during the “pending divorce” period. It took that long for one of them to finally file. Her first “pending divorce” relationship was with someone who was in the same boat, they found comfort in each other during that time. Unfortunately, when he was better he moved on and she found someone else to share her misery with.

I love her like a sister, but to be honest she won’t meet anyone good until she is is ok with just being happy by herself. My motto is “I Like Me”

To answer the question, IMO it is better to wait awhile when you can see more clearly. Ladies and Gentlemen, remember not everyone you meet “post divorce” is really your friend.. there are wolves out there that can smell vulnerability and take advantage of it.

Mr. Unknown

March 28th, 2012
9:00 am

Good morning

I think a lot of people mentally check out of their marriage way before the final papers are signed. Its never a good idea to date someone with the intentions of a relationship, that still lives with their soon to be ex. Hell, its not good to sleep with someone that is basically still involved. People get shot for the smallest things these days, why catch a hot one because the soon to be ex still has feelings.

Aunt Smokie

March 28th, 2012
9:07 am

I haven’t commented in awhile, I read ya’ll all the time tho :-)

On topic, because it hits close to home- You better wait til the ink is dry, the kids and money worked out. I dated a man that was going thru a divorce…..or so he told me. It was always something….the kids are not dealing with it, she wants more money, she is not dealing with it..on and on. After a year, I realized it was never going to work out in my favor. I had to move on. I heard they are still together…..betta her than me. Oh, and I know they was still gettin it in when we were seeing each other. Been there, done that too :lol:

disco

March 28th, 2012
9:11 am

good morning y’all. ahhh the good old separated folks. I’ve long held that the one year legal separation period makes no sense. to me it makes more sense to make folks wait a year to get married than it does to make them wait to get unmarried. countless people jump into a marriage without really thinking it through because they are all caught up in the romanticism. I think that most folks give divorce plenty of thought and consideration long before they actually verbalize the idea. I say if someone wants out let them out and don’t drag it on forever. as for exes still getting it on – happens a lot or at least in my circle. I remember once a few years ago when I joked that it must be “sleep with your ex-husband day”. at that time I had several friends who were having dry spells so to speak who all just went back to the ex for a break off.

Leggs

March 28th, 2012
9:13 am

Good morning. Made two breakfast casseroles and bought in juice for the people on my floor. They are grinning from ear to ear whoofing down the food (lol).

Is it better to wait for the official divorce papers before you actively pursue something serious? – I think it might be best. Heck, there’s always a chance they may get back together.

Do you have a problem seeing someone who is recently separated? The operative word is “recently.” Yes ma’am, I do. Most are looking for a comforting back to cushion some of the pain.

{I must remember to leave room for Eric to get his posts in.}

Leggs

March 28th, 2012
9:25 am

@LL411 ~ I did the same thing (first 3 paragraphs that is).

What I’ve never understood is the long, drawn out separation. Why separate for six years, never seeing nor speaking with the person. Get your arse from under the legal responsibilities you have with another and truly, I mean truly live your own life. I’ve only lived in Georgia and NYC, but man, there’s a lot of legal separations going on here in Atlanta.

Mike P

March 28th, 2012
9:31 am

WD wrote: “I can understand why someone would be anxious to move on and find a new love, but is it better to wait for the official divorce papers before you actively pursue something serious?”

–Are you serious?? Haven’t you been listening when men tell you all that a marriage has NOTHING to do with the license; its just a darn piece of paper to a-lot of us… If I were to sleep in separate rooms and I’m dating and she’s dating, then that means the marriage is over, paper or no papers.

Good Morning!

Aunt Smokie

March 28th, 2012
9:42 am

That ’sleeping in seperate rooms’ is a lie from the pit of hell.

LL411

March 28th, 2012
9:51 am

Mike P

If I were to sleep in separate rooms and I’m dating and she’s dating, then that means the marriage is over, paper or no papers

IMO… this is very true in basic form, and does depend on the two people involved.

I would have been too distracted with all that was going on to be a good companion, and I certaintely wouldn’t want to sit around wiith the new interest talking about the ex.. that’s what girlfriends are for LOL.

If you’d have met me while I was “going through” and still wanted to get to know me after I’d handled my business and didn’t mind standing down (don’t stop do’n you boo), and circling back around after the dust has settled I might have been interested.

Leggs

March 28th, 2012
9:52 am

Why is it a lie, Aunt Smokie? It does happen. There are some bitter people going through divorce that would rather stab their spouse than sex them up.

disco

March 28th, 2012
9:56 am

I know folks that sleep separately who aren’t in the process of divorce. they just sleep in separate rooms because that’s what works for them. I know one guy who says he sleeps on the floor in the den. I asked why and he insists that the floor is better for his back. to each his own. I’ve come across some awful snorers in my day. if I were ever married to one of them we’d mos def be sleeping in separate rooms. heck, might need separate floors. some of those snorers make you consider suffocating them in their sleep.

Bluzgirl

March 28th, 2012
10:02 am

I think it’s all a “depends” situation. My brother has been separated for 3 years, I think. His ex has moved to Augusta and “married” someone else. Neither one has been able to afford the final divorce. He has a problem when he tells some women that he’s still legally married. In that situation, I would date the guy.

One of my best friends has been with this guy for several years…he is just now starting the divorce procedure. When they first started dating, he was still living in the house with his wife, but in separate bedrooms. He had already checked out, but they have children and he wanted to wait until they were older. He did finally move out of the house into his own place, but it took a while to start the process. Another reason it’s taken so long is that she has a lot of money and will fight on several things. It’s a crazy situation…

Mike P

March 28th, 2012
10:05 am

@Aunt Smokie: please re-read my post, I said If I were… not all men, just me!

disco

March 28th, 2012
10:08 am

bluz – I agree each situation will depend but I’m not falling for all those “situational excuses”. I’ve heard countless folks say they can’t afford to get divorced. if a man tells me he can’t afford to get divorced I’d likely tell him (broke bastid) he couldn’t afford new puddy either and to get out of my face. I also don’t feed into I’m sticking around because of the kids. to each his own but often times the kids are happier once the parents resolve their daggone issues. staying for the kids is just a stall tactic and both parents can do better.

O/T I am not the person who sent in the strawberry letter today re the crybaby.

Leggs

March 28th, 2012
10:09 am

@Bluz ~ I hope the “ex” knows she’s not legally married. Not divorced and goes and marry another. Was her entire wedding free? Could have put some of those funds toward the finalization of her divorce?

kimmie

March 28th, 2012
10:12 am

Morning All!!

Got a good friend going thru this right now. She’s dating a dude that is separated and going thru a divorce and a VERY nasty custody battle. They have been seeing each other almost 2 years now and things are STILL not settled with that. To top it off, it’s a long distance thing as well – he’s in NYC & she’s here. It’s all taking a toll.

There is no way I would date anyone that was still living with their spouse, separate beds or not. I briefly dated a guy that had been seperated for 2 years but divorce was not final. Notice I said briefly.

Folks like that owe it to themselves and the world to make sure the ink is dry on the papers before pursuing something new. Get a FWB if you need it, but anything more than that is just too messy. Get your business worked out and your head right.

Leggs

March 28th, 2012
10:14 am

@disco ~ I promise you while listening to the Strawberry Letter I thought of you!

kimmie

March 28th, 2012
10:18 am

I’m sorry I don’t buy the “can’t afford a divorce” line either. Folks afford what they want to afford. Some even stay “separated” for years on purpose too, so they can use that as an excuse to not make a real commitment to the new person they are seeing. I’m hip to all the games.

Bluz – Getting involved with someone like that is just asking for heartbreak.

This is one of those decisions that folks make that they look back on and regret 99% of the time. It’s one of those “choose better” situations. You’ve got a choice in the beginning to get involved or not with someone like that. Choose better.

Aunt Smokie

March 28th, 2012
10:18 am

I’m just jaded from my situation.I see ‘exs’ sexin each other up all the time. I have done it myself….it’s called maintenance :lol:

I’m just of the mind that if I hate you that damn much, I don’t want to be anywhere near you. Let alone live with you.

Aint enuff ‘medicine’ in tha world :lol: Hell no.

czBrat

March 28th, 2012
10:18 am

morning all.

i didn’t date until after my divorce was final, and that was after an almost two-year separation. i cherished all that “me” time. i had a lot of rebuilding to do. i had no desire (physical or otherwise) to deal with another man through that process.

and i wouldn’t give a second look to a man still involved with another woman on any level.

bluzgirl, i believe it costs less than $100 to file an uncontested divorce. and as disco said, if they “can’t afford” that between the two of them, there ain’t a damn thing that dude can do for me. ciao!

disco

March 28th, 2012
10:19 am

leggs – I was just wondering how she put up with him for 3 years and I bust out laughing when she said he cries when she tells him that he cries too much. hilarious. I listened to the letter but didn’t stick around to hear the responses. I actually thought of a cousin of mine while reading it. he’s a 40 year old crybaby and the entire family cracks jokes about it. there’s absolutely no shame to his game when it comes to shedding tears. he’s always boo-hoo’ing about something.

Aunt Smokie

March 28th, 2012
10:22 am

disco- your post @ 10:08 str8 truth!

Leggs

March 28th, 2012
10:25 am

@kimmie ~ I’m with you and disco. If you want the divorce you’ll find the funds. Heck I didn’t have a lot when I filed for divorce, but I made it happen. I was scared, but not scared enough not to file. And I paid in 2 installments. Where there’s a will, there’s a way.

Yeah, funny when she said he cries after she tells him he cries too much…that would grate my nerves! Carla said all that crying made him look less than a man. Not a manly thing about him. She also said the woman needed therapy because she’s an enabler.

Row 125, seat 11B

March 28th, 2012
10:25 am

My best buddy is currently in this situation right now…..He and his wife have been in the process of getting divorced for nearly two years!!! They live in separate homes, but when things were good they started a business that is quite successful…. They are fighting over that and the kids..division of assets and such. He has missed out on several potentially good matches because the ladies did not want to be down unless he was completely divorced… Funny thing is his ex shows up to all of the mediations and hearings with her current guy.

kimmie

March 28th, 2012
10:27 am

Leggs – Yeah, if you can’t afford the divorce, like disco said, you really can’t afford to date. Miss me with that.

Leggs

March 28th, 2012
10:32 am

“Funny thing is his ex shows up to all of the mediations and hearings with her current guy.” – WOW!

Mocha

March 28th, 2012
10:34 am

czBrat, you took the words right out of my mouth! The whole “I can’t afford a divorce” is a LIE men (and maybe some women) use as an excuse! My divorce (uncontested) cost me $85.00 to file the papers. No lawyers were necessary because we decided as grown and rational adults what the terms would be AND this included custody agreements for our children and child support. It is truly not as difficult as most people would have you believe.
Now if one spouse is contesting, you can’t agree on custody, support, ect. Then that’s where lawyers and the big money get involved.

disco

March 28th, 2012
10:35 am

okay here’s another off topic. I’ve been walking around talking about something stinks in the office. I said it smells like communion or stale, sour rotgut wine like wild irish rose or something. come to find out a coworker has some lotion from the body shoppe called cranberry something or other. the poor thing was sitting there listening to me complain about the foul odor all morning. lol.

kimmie

March 28th, 2012
10:39 am

It’s just no use asking for trouble from jump. Too many free & clear good people out there to date. Now this situation is what I would call baggage.

Heck, I had dude to get back together with their last girlfriend, whom they didn’t even have kids with. It would be nothing for one to go back to someone they were actually married to. It’s cheaper to keep her!

Leggs

March 28th, 2012
10:51 am

@disco ~ that description makes me think of the foul smelling perfume Fendi! So glad many don’t wear it now in 2012.

Bluzgirl

March 28th, 2012
10:52 am

@Leggs…the soon to be ex-psycho-in-law does know that she is not yet divorced from my brother. Her “husband” is a church man and I think they got “married” just for show to the church so no one would say anything about them living together. Honestly, they both live paycheck to paycheck and my brother had resisted on saving the money for the divorce because she is the one who left and is “re-married.” He is now at the point where he is trying to save up the money because he doesn’t want her to hinder his life anymore…

czBrat

March 28th, 2012
11:01 am

don’t get me wrong, mocha. my first attempt cost me $500, and when that ass0 started putting up a fight my attorney said “um. that’ll be another $1500. please and thank you.” so i had to do spend a couple years making his life a living hell just to get us to the diy uncontested solution to our little prob. :grin:

but like leggs said, even when staring down a $500 attorney bill i found the money to make it happen because I WANTED OUT!

Leggs

March 28th, 2012
11:02 am

“Her “husband” is a church man and I think they got “married” just for show to the church so no one would say anything about them living together” – HUH? Guess the congregation doesn’t know she’s already married. That I can fly with. BUT, doesn’t her church man hubby realize she’s still married? Please say he knows nothing too???

Bluzgirl

March 28th, 2012
11:06 am

@Leggs…Girl…we are all baffled by this. The hubby knows that she’s still legally married. That’s why we don’t understand all of this. She is literally a hot mess. I don’t know why he would agree to this unless he just wanted a wife to take care of his 3 “special” children…

I think my brother said the divorce would be about $300 or so, but not sure. To be honest, he’s a little lazy and doesn’t really take care of the business he needs to take care of…

kimmie

March 28th, 2012
11:08 am

He isn’t much of a “church man” if he’ll stand up in front of God & lie like that. You have to show proof of your divorce before you can get a license to marry. He knows what is up. It’s all a sham.

Leggs

March 28th, 2012
11:09 am

Point blank, he’s not a “church man.” Sounds like a wannabe deacon at a store front church that’s really a grocery story. GTHOHWTN (get the heck out of here with that nonsense)!

Leggs

March 28th, 2012
11:10 am

YEP, A SHAM! Both are IDIOTS!!!!!!

kimmie

March 28th, 2012
11:11 am

Bluz – The last paragraph in your 11:06 says it all for me. That’s why I would never date a dude that claimed he couldn’t afford a divorce. Usually it’s a sign they don’t know how to take care of their business or won’t.

Bluzgirl

March 28th, 2012
11:14 am

Yeah…I don’t think I would date a man who takes a few years to pay for an uncontested divorce. I love my brother, but he needs to take care of business…

czBrat

March 28th, 2012
11:14 am

bluzgirl, given you think your brother’s situation is some kinda mess, i’m gonna venture a guess that this ——> In that situation, I would date the guy. is NOT what you meant in your 10.02.(??)

Leggs

March 28th, 2012
11:16 am

Cold Cut Artist = Sale N Pepa (404) 741-1075..tickets to screening of Think Like a Man with Party afterwards. I know you all want those tix (yeah, right) @ Atlantic Station.

czBrat

March 28th, 2012
11:16 am

kimmie

March 28th, 2012
11:17 am

Brat – It is scary how much we think alike sometimes!