Dating: How do you ask for space?
It is common and perfectly normal to want to spend every waking moment with someone you are crazy about. A new romance means things are hot and heavy, right? What happens when you are ready to slip into a routine with more balance, but your partner is stuck on hot and heavy?
How do you ask someone to give you a little space without totally derailing the “budding” relationship that is still growing? If you want a little less together time, does that necessarily mean you aren’t into the person anymore?
My friend told me he was down with the whole “see each other every weekend plan” in the beginning, but his lady is clinging to that pattern tighter than he is. He still really likes her, but wondered if he pulls away a bit, would she consider that a red flag he isn’t interested.
Obviously he has to be honest with her, but I am curious if others have been in this situation. What did you do or say when you wanted space but not spaaaaaacce?
Happy Tuesday!
By Wise Diva, Misadventures in Atlanta Dating Blog
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280 comments Add your comment
kimmie
March 27th, 2012
3:34 pm
still smh
Celisea
March 27th, 2012
3:34 pm
ITL – LOL….okay
kimmie
March 27th, 2012
3:35 pm
Leggs – yeah, she said she’s never been to his apt, so #10 ain’t happenin
czBrat
March 27th, 2012
3:36 pm
pammy, if you’re truly done with that situation (no matter how it started and no matter what his story is today) take your lesson learned and move on. unfortunate about the pics, but you’ll have to pray that he not go through with the threat. and if he does, just pray for the strength to get through it and make better choices in the future.
nothing worst than a wasted growth opportunity.
robert, how exactly does #10 work with a married man?
Into the Light
March 27th, 2012
3:36 pm
@Willie D: Nope. I have no need to use pseudonyms, and the times I have (as a joke) I’ve made it known that it was me.
czBrat
March 27th, 2012
3:37 pm
worse. just ugh
Slim's got the fever!
March 27th, 2012
3:38 pm
pammy – So he has all this sexy media of you but you don’t have any pics/videos of him?? Again, how old are you?
Robert
March 27th, 2012
3:38 pm
@Celisea – “I would take those same photos directly to his wife.”
Why would you hurt someone else because of his mistakes. The problem is not between his wife and her. The problem is him cheating on his wife. Pammy needs to recognize this fact and do the right thing and let him go. His wife is innocent and she deserves to be left alone until this mess is resolved.
Into the Light
March 27th, 2012
3:42 pm
His wife is innocent and she deserves to be left alone until this mess is resolved
I agree with that. Hurting someone else to get revenge on another is some bad juju.
pammy
March 27th, 2012
3:43 pm
Well, he thinks he’s coming over for an evening of one on one time tonight , and that is when I am going to tell him. The more I talk about this the more stupid, wrong and distasteful it all sounds.
Leggs
March 27th, 2012
3:45 pm
Robert, you sound close to the situation. Has something like this happened to you and news got back to your wife/woman?
Really Doe
March 27th, 2012
3:46 pm
Is there any reason for a single woman to have any type of relationship that is more than platonic with a married man. If she thought he was single then found out he was married that is the time that she should leave him alone, if she knew he was married and she still had a relationship with him the she deserves wwhatever hurt that comes.
Robert
March 27th, 2012
3:47 pm
czBrat – “how exactly does #10 work with a married man”
Most married Men I know have a “play pin” or “crib” to hangout. Whether they share the expenses with another Man or use another Man’s “crib” as their “play pin” depends on their level of friendship. For example I have college buddies who have taken advantage of the down housing market and rent 3 bedroom townhouses for little or no money down. Lots of older, mature, experienced Men use this option rather than use hotels/motels.
kimmie
March 27th, 2012
3:47 pm
Something isn’t smelling right. IJS
pammy
March 27th, 2012
3:48 pm
@Robert, I agree, don’t want to cause any more damage than I’ve already done. Just want to end this and move on.
Into the Light
March 27th, 2012
3:55 pm
Men really do that?!!?!?!?
skeeter
March 27th, 2012
3:56 pm
what caused that “light” to come on and say, this just ain’t right.
Celisea
March 27th, 2012
3:56 pm
Robert – Don’t get me wrong….I don’t mean to pull anyone in a toxic situation that’s innocent. I will say though by a man being married, HE’S potentially pulling the wife in. Let’s not give him
Willie Dynamite
March 27th, 2012
3:56 pm
Robert – 3:47 On behalf of all Married men and soon to be married Men and may one day be married men. I am sending you a Cease and Desist Letter, effective immediately. You sir are crossing the line.
czBrat
March 27th, 2012
3:56 pm
Most married Men I know have a “play pin” or “crib” to hangout.
that’s not what came to my mind when i read “his house”, but ok.
and i will simply overlook the fact that “most” of the married men you know are apparently scum.
Celisea
March 27th, 2012
3:58 pm
Robert – Please understand what I’m saying and where I’m coming from. For a married to pursue and go after another, HE’S THE ONE PUTTING THE WIFE, THE INNOCENT one in a toxic situation. So, no…nothing a mistress can or will do will worsen. Now, what I said and meant is if he’s threatening to hurt me by using pictures to put out in front of everyone and ruin my life, he should know the potential backlash.
Sorry I’m not that big of a person to take and take and take your crap but I can’t render my own. If I say it’s time to go AND you’re the one that will suffer the greatest lost….THEN DON’T THREATEN ME.
Leggs
March 27th, 2012
4:00 pm
@pammy, put your cell phone somewhere and record the exchange. Hell, you may wind up with a sex video of your own…I kid, I kid.
Robert
March 27th, 2012
4:01 pm
@Leggs – “Has something like this happened to you and news got back to your wife/woman?”
We live in the technology age and images and pictures of people are posted everywhere (facebook, dating sites, etc.). For example I was at a restaurant with co-workers last year and a woman who was a friend of my woman took my picture with her cell phone and sent it to my woman who re-sent the picture to me. To my surprise she was upset because of the “perception” her friend had caused. Once I explained to her what I was doing and who I was having dinner with she apologized for not trusting me enough to have dinner with co-workers. She also called her friend and told never send her anything about her Man ever again. Things can get out-of-control if you allow pictures and other images to be captured and used against you for any reason.
Leggs
March 27th, 2012
4:01 pm
@ Robert.
Men really do that?!!?!?!?
HUH? Is that a trick question…OF COURSE THEY DO THAT!!!!!
kimmie
March 27th, 2012
4:01 pm
So you are gonna take intimate pics for a dude whose apt you have not even been to and NOW you are worried about what he might do.
smh
Willie Dynamite
March 27th, 2012
4:03 pm
ok folks, this has gotten too Reality TV’ish for me. Plus I have to go back to being Toby for the rest of the day. good eve.
Leggs
March 27th, 2012
4:03 pm
And, I say you may wind up with a sex video of your own, because I think the odds of you saying no, no, no, we are finished to yes, yes, yes, look what you got me doing is high…..Again, IJS
pammy
March 27th, 2012
4:04 pm
@skeeter, I thought this relationship was different, in that I thought we started slow, took our time etc. The night of his “reveal” it just seemed surreal, I couldn’t believe it. Then the stories came and the justifications, and I started to feel that maybe he wasn’t really being 100 percent honest. And separated is still not “divorced” I don’t know, I just don’t like what I’m feeling and to be honest, I’m feeling a little pissed off.
Leggs
March 27th, 2012
4:05 pm
@Robert ~ that woman was stupid and looking to conjure up some beef between you and your woman by sending the picture to her friend…straight up gangsta nosey.
Leggs
March 27th, 2012
4:06 pm
@pammy ~ how long ago was the night of his “reveal?”
Robert
March 27th, 2012
4:08 pm
czBrat – “that’s not what came to my mind when i read “his house”, but ok. Most married Men I know have a “play pin” or “crib” to hangout. ”
This is the only place he has taken her and she assumes it is where he lives.
kimmie
March 27th, 2012
4:09 pm
“she apologized for not trusting me to have dinner with coworkers”
Again, it’s criticism of the woman for not reacting the way YOU want her to react to your bs and the mess you keep going.
Not buying a bit of this.
Leggs
March 27th, 2012
4:09 pm
I disagree, Robert. Bet she knows that’s not his place.
Velonese
March 27th, 2012
4:10 pm
“Dating: How do you ask for space?” We single folk don’t have this problem
But for the sake of the topic, if I were in a relationship, I’d simply ask, “Hey I need some me time”. If the lady were to get up tight or worry why, then it is probably time to kick her into left field, insecure women are a turn off.
Leggs
March 27th, 2012
4:11 pm
Robert, modern technology has gotten you in trouble, gf of 2 years wants to travel more with you but you don’t want her too. It’s coming off like you’re a little messy and don’t know how to cover your tracks (lol).
Celisea
March 27th, 2012
4:11 pm
Leggs – Just sent you an email in error….My names auto populate and I didn’t pay attention that it was your name, not “Sharon”
Robert
March 27th, 2012
4:12 pm
@Celisea – I agree. he is putting the “innocent ” in a bad situation by his own actions.
Leggs
March 27th, 2012
4:12 pm
@pammy ~ are you going to answer my 4:06?
Velonese
March 27th, 2012
4:13 pm
Honestly I don’t see how some couples can keep their heads lodged up each others rectum 24/7.
kimmie
March 27th, 2012
4:13 pm
Leggs – Messy with a capital M!
Leggs
March 27th, 2012
4:14 pm
No sweat, Celisea! My window pane is set for automatic read without having to open the email.
skeeter
March 27th, 2012
4:16 pm
pammy why don’t you check out Oprah’s network; she has a show about infidelity in a marriage. It seems to cause alot a pain. You are both adults and some actions will yield negative consequences.
Hope it works out for the 3 of you.
Really Doe
March 27th, 2012
4:18 pm
Other woman is always just the other woman. You found he was married so now you became the 2nd or 3rd woman
Slim's got the fever!
March 27th, 2012
4:18 pm
I’m trying to catch up but pammy I would suggest you two meet out somewhere when you break this news to him. If you think he is possessive, you don’t want to find yourself in a crazy situation. Tell him in a public place and there won’t be an opportunity for any last minute break-up sex either…
i'm swiss
March 27th, 2012
4:19 pm
Afternoon, folks.
On topic: Didn’t read much after page 1, but I pretty much concur with abc. Space, or “me time” or whatever should come organically just based on outside interests.
Off topic: Hey there, ITL. How you doin’, chica?
Robert
March 27th, 2012
4:19 pm
@kimmie – “it’s criticism of the woman for not reacting the way YOU want her to react to your bs and the mess you keep going.”
I am not critizing her. I am praising her for recognizing what had occurred and how she responded to that negative situation from a over zealous friend who was trying to catch me in the act using her cell phone as the judge and the jury.
Celisea
March 27th, 2012
4:21 pm
How come (yes how come) I have the feeling that Really Doe is a man?? LOL Po thang
Robert
March 27th, 2012
4:24 pm
@Leggs – “It’s coming off like you’re a little messy and don’t know how to cover your tracks (lol).”
I run a tight ship. I never have to worry about covering my tracks. I never leave any.
pammy
March 27th, 2012
4:24 pm
Everyone, thanks for the comments, I’m heading out now. Scared but determined.
Celisea
March 27th, 2012
4:25 pm
“Dat’s all folks” I still think that was a troll having fun…call me a cynic. I don’t EVER put too much in those convos