Dating: How do you ask for space?
It is common and perfectly normal to want to spend every waking moment with someone you are crazy about. A new romance means things are hot and heavy, right? What happens when you are ready to slip into a routine with more balance, but your partner is stuck on hot and heavy?
How do you ask someone to give you a little space without totally derailing the “budding” relationship that is still growing? If you want a little less together time, does that necessarily mean you aren’t into the person anymore?
My friend told me he was down with the whole “see each other every weekend plan” in the beginning, but his lady is clinging to that pattern tighter than he is. He still really likes her, but wondered if he pulls away a bit, would she consider that a red flag he isn’t interested.
Obviously he has to be honest with her, but I am curious if others have been in this situation. What did you do or say when you wanted space but not spaaaaaacce?
Happy Tuesday!
By Wise Diva, Misadventures in Atlanta Dating Blog
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280 comments Add your comment
Lady~
March 27th, 2012
2:08 pm
and what I mean by heal is being whole to truly open up and love again without fear~
Lady~
March 27th, 2012
2:09 pm
that is for me too. Not speaking for Robert.
Willie Dynamite
March 27th, 2012
2:09 pm
Robert – you really really really have to take a self assesment on this one. Honestly speaking this is your life and really it doesn’t matter what kind of advice is given. if you think this chick is a keeper then you are gonna have to isht or get off the pot. If you are still in the don’t know yet stage then you have an obligation to yourself and the offspring to make the best decision. The key is don’t try to force it one way or another. If it feels right and for the right reasons then proceed accordingly. Like someone said you are not the first single parent dating but what works for everyone else may not sit well with you. All that being said matters only if your intentions are honorable.
Slim's got the fever!
March 27th, 2012
2:10 pm
WD – You’re absolutely right…it is hard sometimes for a woman to see the guy, have a few days of seeing each other, going hard on the communication then to all of sudden have the guy not call as much, not seem as excited to see you after seeing you the last 2/3 days and then to not assume something is wrong. As previously stated regarding this topic, in the book “Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus” they say men are like rubberbands…they’ll really spend lots of energy being really attentive to the woman for a stretch of time but as that rubberband stretchs out, he’ll get to a point that he pulls away. He needs to have this pulling away in order to snap back to the attentiveness. (Thats it in a nutshell) Each woman has to understand the cycle of the man they’re in a relationship with since each will be different.
Lady~
March 27th, 2012
2:12 pm
WD is on it today!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Good Post sir 2:09
Willie Dynamite
March 27th, 2012
2:16 pm
Lady – yeah really under the surface because I struggle with this one. By nature I am a recluse that thrives in the shadows (batman , kinda sorta) and my me time doesn’t always coincide with the family life. I am getting better at taming my actions during those times but still…..
Robert – 2 yrs, dayum man it has to be a lot more going on than what you are saying. I’m surprised this chick is still with you. You been dating her two yrs and going in/out town for some kids she hasn’t even met. either you are playing or wasting time. Just based on the info given i am siding with the chick.
Slim – I really have to agree with you there. Men spend considerable energy getting the Woman and then what. Like women always say the things you do to get her you better do to keep her. Well when we first met i needed to skip pker night and the playoff game so we could go watch the latest chick flick. now 3 months later I thought you knew I always played poker with the boys on Thursday and sports bar on Friday.
Slim's got the fever!
March 27th, 2012
2:18 pm
Now if this is some new courtship, then I agree with the gf being involved with the kids right now
meant to say, “Now if this is some new courtship, then I agree with the gf NOT being involved with the kids right now”
kimmie
March 27th, 2012
2:20 pm
One has to do what’s best for themselves & the situation. But, just my opinion, 2 years is a good while. As a woman, I would be getting a bit antsy too. Dude would have to “find himself” on someone elses time.
Robert, if she’s THAT wonderful, why would you not want the kids to meet her?
Something about this is just not jiving, I don’t know…….
Lady~
March 27th, 2012
2:21 pm
I feel ya WD!!!! Self Awareness Rocks~
I have walked Robert’s road. He is not ready and it OK he just need to convey it and be honest. Its a process though and it ain’t easy
Willie Dynamite
March 27th, 2012
2:21 pm
Kimmie – 2:20 co-sign
Leggs
March 27th, 2012
2:21 pm
But of course, Slim. That’s why I want to hear the answer too.
“want to marry someone like me someday.” – See, you playing games!
Slim's got the fever!
March 27th, 2012
2:22 pm
Well when we first met i needed to skip pker night and the playoff game so we could go watch the latest chick flick. now 3 months later I thought you knew I always played poker with the boys on Thursday and sports bar on Friday
And SHAZAM!!!! There you have it
Lady~
March 27th, 2012
2:23 pm
the fear of losing a wonderful person but not ready to cross that bridge can become selfish and stagnant.
Leggs
March 27th, 2012
2:26 pm
@WillieD ~ I don’t think he said she never met his kids, he just doesn’t want her around them often. But I must admit, 2 damn years is a hard pill to swallow. Hope you understand her position, Robert. Are you really being honest across the board.
First you say you are not worthy of a woman like her then turn around and say you hope she marries someone like you. Are you Dr. Jekly and Mr. Hyde.
Lady~
March 27th, 2012
2:27 pm
dead leggs okay I am done I don’t do personality disorders! LOL
Lady~
March 27th, 2012
2:27 pm
~human behavior is sooooooooooooo amusing!
C where did you go honey?!?
kimmie
March 27th, 2012
2:29 pm
Lady – Excuse my cynicism, but all that sounds nice and philosophical and clinical. I’m not buying it. I’ve seen these same type of dudes whining about they are not ready for years. Then “miss wonderful” wakes up and dumps him, only to have him move on to someone else next week and marry her a week later.
Like I said, work on SELF on one’s own time! Life is too short!
Celisea
March 27th, 2012
2:29 pm
Ladies (Lady and Kimmie) – I’m agreeing…especially with Kimmie’s 2:20. I get everybody weighing their options and what’s best. I don’t ever advise against that. What I will say though is because you can’t move your feet, after so long a time, don’t turn things to your mate not being understanding. I mean really if it’s been awhile, you OWE that person something. Move it along or make it happen but honestly how fair is it to not decide. I think too, Robert should do what’s best for him but I also think his lady/woman/SO should be positioned to do the same. If she’s gonna be apart of his life, then move forward with finding great arrangement for her, kids and him….as a family. If he’s iffy about her and the kids and the kid’s mom, at some point, maybe she’s not the one for him and vice versa. But see the entire picture for what it is. Everybody is due respect of getting answers and being made aware and getting pulled into the know.
Lady~
March 27th, 2012
2:29 pm
but uncertainty is relevant ok i am over it lol
Celisea
March 27th, 2012
2:30 pm
Hey Lady – I’m here…lol
Slim's got the fever!
March 27th, 2012
2:30 pm
In regards to the comment of “you hope she wants to marry someone like you” I would seriously doubt she is dating you just for the hell of it especially if she WANTS to be involved in your kids’ lives. If she wasn’t serious about having a life with you, I’m not sure she’d give a rats ass about the kids or whatever.
Robert – What’s the relationship like with you and the mother of your kids??? When you go visit, are you spending the night with her? Hanging out with her with the kids or what?
Lady~
March 27th, 2012
2:30 pm
Kimmie I think I share your same thoughts so I get it clinical and all. Working on his self is key.
Willie Dynamite
March 27th, 2012
2:31 pm
Slim – sometimes it can be that simple and complex at the same time. Communication is the key and the occasional compromise moving forward erases strife.
Leggs – oh ok, but still….. Something is not right in that scenario. If I’ve invested 2 yrs into a person then I/she has been deemed qualified to share ALL my life. I might talk about the game but I don’t play like that.
Lady~
March 27th, 2012
2:31 pm
and if he marries the next one coming so be it then his current is not the one. It doesn’t take away from who he is IMO………
Celisea
March 27th, 2012
2:33 pm
I’m sticking with the cliche of “doing what’s best” but you already know. You know where your heart is, you know what your intents are…you know. You know if you’re hesitant because of the kid’s mom, you know if you just want to sort stand and not make a decision…you know.
Lady~
March 27th, 2012
2:33 pm
C you make my point with its him not being ready for whatever reason. he is the constant and if his mates stays then its on her bc currently he is comfy and doesn’t want change. Folks only do whatyou allow them to do.
Lady~
March 27th, 2012
2:34 pm
meant mate stays………..
Celisea
March 27th, 2012
2:35 pm
Lady – You got it! And I go back to saying don’t act surprise at her reaction. She’s not emotional or irrational, she’s a woman in waiting and rightfully deserves to know what you’re going to do. I think EVERY WOMAN can accept a man saying I’m not ready, it’s not the right time, it’s not a good fit. But to know he knows and he’s denying he knows what to do…or maybe not denying but acting stuck…yeah that sort of know things out of sort for us.
Lady~
March 27th, 2012
2:36 pm
Indeed C~
Celisea
March 27th, 2012
2:36 pm
throw not know
Willie Dynamite
March 27th, 2012
2:38 pm
Cel – that 2:35 makes my head hurt. hahaha but yeah I know, I think.
kimmie
March 27th, 2012
2:38 pm
Lady – And if she’s complaining, then she’s not really “allowing”. The situation seems to be getting a little uncomfortable in my opinion. It does take away from who he is if he’s not being straight up with her.
Slim's got the fever!
March 27th, 2012
2:38 pm
WD – I think at times men feel like if they express a desire to spend a little time doing it up with the fellas, that we will turn our head a whole 360 rotation, spit up green pea soup and start yelling curse words & throwing glasses at the walls…My ex was ALWAYS doing something but in that case it was extreme…and I let him know that I was not going to be put on the back burner to his friends ALL the time. It would be Poker NightSSSSS, clubbing, skrip clubbing, video gaming to the wee hours of the night, h e r b i n g, homeboy is in town so gotta do the birthday thing, etc…I would recite that joke that Martin Lawrence did in his stand-up talking Tyrone got your time
(of course he didn’t find that very funny)
Celisea
March 27th, 2012
2:39 pm
WillieD – I was just testing you
Lady~
March 27th, 2012
2:40 pm
Kimmie I am meaning when they call it quits and move on and marries. He is not being honest with himself #1. So nothing will work or make sense that is why he doesn’t want to break what is not broke in his world. Its on the mate to stay or go but currently Robert is cool with less interactions.
Celisea
March 27th, 2012
2:40 pm
It would be Poker NightSSSSS, clubbing, skrip clubbing, video gaming to the wee hours of the night, h e r b i n g, homeboy is in town so gotta do the birthday thing, etc…I would recite that joke that Martin Lawrence did in his stand-up talking Tyrone got your time (of course he didn’t find that very funny)
That’s funny…lol Sho nuff and after allllllllllll this, if you can’t get with his schedule, you are wacked as a woman…lol
Lady~
March 27th, 2012
2:41 pm
marry someone else that is but any way………..
Willie Dynamite
March 27th, 2012
2:42 pm
Slim – yeah that sucks. You have to be respecful of other folks time. If you are not then don’t be surprised when they make a decision based on your actions that are best for them.
Cel – Did I pass? Of course I did, whats my prize????
Celisea
March 27th, 2012
2:43 pm
WillieD – Yep you passed…with flying colors. What’s your prize. Got a box heading your way via FedEx
Careful now
Willie Dynamite
March 27th, 2012
2:45 pm
Cel – ok “we need to talk” hahaha
I am Big Brown so the F word doesn’t fly in my world. Return to sender and maybe we can try again.
Slim's got the fever!
March 27th, 2012
2:46 pm
Cel – It was like trying to double dutch, standing on the side waiting for the best time to jump in. Then it was crazy because i would find out that other chicks were going to some of these places, that it wasn’t just the fellas. So when I’d ask about that you know what this fool said??? “Well those are just friends of ours…no one else is bringing their BOO’s though”.
Lady~
March 27th, 2012
2:47 pm
FedEx is high too!
lawd I had a horror story there last week! lol
Leggs
March 27th, 2012
2:48 pm
Have you guys noticed that when Robert post a dating dilemna he sits in the cut and reads everyone elses posts nevery really commenting anymore on his own???
Lady~
March 27th, 2012
2:49 pm
yep leggs and it is draining smh
kimmie
March 27th, 2012
2:49 pm
Celisea – You really have to let dudes like that know you are not the one. I had the dude like Slim’s cousin was seeing, who used the kids as an excuse. I had one who used his mama. His mama was not sick or anything and even though father had died, she had 7 kids, most of whom lived nearby. In other words, someone was always there, she was never really alone. She got along great, could drive, cook, the whole nine. But when he didn’t want to be bothered it was “gotta go check on mama”. I told him straight up that excuse might work on other women, who’d back off at the word “mama” but not me. Told him he needed to come up with a better lie. He thought I was straight crazy and I told him I’d show him just how.
Celisea
March 27th, 2012
2:50 pm
Slim – Exactly. I can so relate…yeah kid’s dad. Mmm hmm, I know ’bout them kind of parties where you’re left home but oh umm, btw there’s other chicks there….just some friends or friends of friends… Like WillieD said, that’s the time you start adjusting your scheduled based on never getting on their schedules.
WillieD – Big Brown eh? You ain’t said nothing but a word. Prize package resent…..CAREFUL NOW and open slowly
Leggs
March 27th, 2012
2:52 pm
@WillieD ~ I definitely agree, something is wrong.
And like Slim and I both have asked, what is his relationship with the mother(s) of his children?
Celisea
March 27th, 2012
2:52 pm
Exactly Kimmie…you are spot on. That’s why if for your (being dude) actions or the lack thereof, I’m labeled as crazy or impatient, it’s because I know that game all too well and really I’m not up for playing Willie (no offense Willie) lump lump. Take that mess and move it along. We will get along even better if you K.I.M.
Celisea
March 27th, 2012
2:53 pm
Leggs – Your 2:48…all the time. Folks throw it out there and get ghost
Willie Dynamite
March 27th, 2012
2:55 pm
Leggs – I didn’t notice that because I generally just flow with the blog or topic. I can tell you what I did notice seeing that apparently I;m the only dude blogging.
Leggs- the donk fluctuates from a mini-donk/donk depending on the day and what you are wearing.
Lady -Got a man, hooray for her
Slim – Bout to be back on the market (unfortunately).
Cel – breaking out that shell and she DOES have a semi wild side but you’d never hear that from her.
Kimmie – maybe married but she’s still a sniper.
who did I forget?????