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Dating: How do you ask for space?

It is common and perfectly normal to want to spend every waking moment with someone you are crazy about. A new romance means things are hot and heavy, right? What happens when you are ready to slip into a routine with more balance, but your partner is stuck on hot and heavy?

How do you ask someone to give you a little space without totally derailing the “budding” relationship that is still growing? If you want a little less together time, does that necessarily mean you aren’t into the person anymore?

My friend told me he was down with the whole “see each other every weekend plan” in the beginning, but his lady is clinging to that pattern tighter than he is. He still really likes her, but wondered if he pulls away a bit, would she consider that a red flag he isn’t interested.

Obviously he has to be honest with her, but I am curious if others have been in this situation. What did you do or say when you wanted space but not spaaaaaacce?

Happy Tuesday!

By Wise Diva, Misadventures in Atlanta Dating Blog

280 comments Add your comment

Lily

March 27th, 2012
7:22 am

Diva I’m going to give this one to the men…….in most cases. Usually and not all the time but we tend to hang on or are happy in the world of just “me and him” after becoming intimate and men tend to be the opposite…..in most cases. Not saying every case but most. I think it’s how we’re programmed as it relates to gender.

Now, with that being said, twice in my life I’ve encountered clingons (lol) and a clingy man is the absolute worse. There is just no good way to break the we need space news aside from breaking the we need space news.

Lily

March 27th, 2012
7:23 am

Let’s get the day started.

Good day!

Row 125, seat 11B

March 27th, 2012
8:15 am

Good Morning….This is an easy one…. I practice the honest approach. I tell her that I am really feeling her but there are things that I like to do that aree expressly mine , like golfing with my buddies or just hanging with other friends. I make sure that I am clear about what my intentions are, and hope that she can be respectful of that request. I also make sure that I reserve ample time for she and I to “bond” and when possible I include her in SOME of the activities with others in my life……

Lady~

March 27th, 2012
8:20 am

Good Morning MIA!!!!! ;)

Interesting, currently we do a few days during the week and every other weekend………..Nothing set in stone but it is understood we won’t be with each other every day or weekend. We had a great discussion about this and we both were on the same page. We have a life outside our relationship and neither one of us want each others morning, noon, and night every single day. Those days away are refreshing and keeps us tighter. Easter is approaching and that is his birthday so it will be interesting spending two holidays in one with him plus the following weekend I’ve made plans for us so it will be a first of back to back weekends but I feel we will be fine but I am sure after all the festivities we will appreciate the time apart as well. He truly respects my space I respect his meaning when we are apart its not calling or texting 24/7 or a sense of urgency of insecurity. Hell, a clingy man or woman is not the business and prior to meeting we both had our life.

Lady~

March 27th, 2012
8:25 am

If you want a little less together time, does that necessarily mean you aren’t into the person anymore? Of course not. It means just that you want your space and hopefully both parties will agree and a certain amount of space is healthy and potentially helps strengthen their bond to grow closer. Hopefully that is the goal. Transparent communication is required though and not that passive aggressive behavior. Have a real heart to heart conversation about needs and wants and move forward accordingly. Trust has to be the foundation along with security.

Lady~

March 27th, 2012
8:55 am

My concert series came together……I will be seeing, New Edition, Dougie Fresh, SWV (same day), Earth, Wind, & Fire, Anita Baker, and Charlie Wilson from May to September……I likes the line up! this summer is going to be far better than last summer. I was an introvert last summer but I needed that down time away……..Need to narrow down where I want to visit for my birthday……hmmmmmm

Lady~

March 27th, 2012
8:56 am

& as it relates to this topic all of these events are not with my boo. Half with girlfriends and the other half with him. I don’t abandon friends just because I am boo’d up……lol

Slim's got the fever!

March 27th, 2012
9:06 am

Goooood morning folks!

Leggs

March 27th, 2012
9:11 am

Good morning, good morning!

If you want a little less together time, does that necessarily mean you aren’t into the person anymore? – Not at all. However, if you want time alone, sit and talk about it. If you take the route of shutting down with little to no communication, one can start to think you are no longer happy with the relationship. Communication is the key because miscommunication can put holes in the relationship and it can start to flatline….

Slim's got the fever!

March 27th, 2012
9:15 am

Transparent communication is required though and not that passive aggressive behavior

Lady that is definitely key in this situation…I’ve experienced my SO just being a little distant, quiet, short in convo as a passive agressive way to signal he needed space. But when asked if anything was wrong or if he needed some time, the response would be, I’m cool or I’m chillin or if I need space I’ll ask for it… :roll:

When I need space, I go home which sucks at times since I live with my cousin…and usually when I need space, it isn’t just a need for space from the beau but from people in general. Is that bad? Hey, i’m a gemini and it be’s like that sometimes.

Lady~

March 27th, 2012
9:20 am

Slim it is the worse to playing guessing games then for one to start assuming when all we have to do is sit down and talk. Yeah easy said than done bc there are many who just want to shut down and not be bother and expect for you to get it and respect it until they are ready to talk. Naw it doesn’t work that way. It is a two way street and being open and honest gets respect and appreciation in my book. I don’t expect every situation to be by the books but there has to be a solid foundation with communication. Have to be or both will be looking crazy and a void will come resentment.

Lady~

March 27th, 2012
9:30 am

Nope Slim I always need space from people and love ones. Believe it or not I even came to a point here recently to need space from social media and that is like WOW in my book. But seriously you need your “ME TIME” to process you. Over these past holidays I certainly got my time in for myself. It helps you be a better person to just take time for yourself but before you cut off the world communicate it to the ones you care about the most and they will understand and respect it.

Lady~

March 27th, 2012
9:31 am

I really need to focus on this assessment class I am taking and I was like FB and twitter gots to go for a second so I can give it my all. ……that is self awareness

Slim's got the fever!

March 27th, 2012
9:53 am

Lady – I told my cuzzo that from time to time I’ll keep to myself and to not naturally assume something is wrong. I think she has started to accept that and leave me be when that door is closed. ;-) I had to tell my current beau that when he needs “HIM TIME” that he should communicate that to me as well because I don’t want to have to play the guessing game or turn into Sherlock Holmes to find out what crawled up his butt. And as far as social media or technology period, I actually took yesterday off and turned it all off. I swear when folks know you didn’t go to work, they seem to want to call you, text you, fb you or whatever wanting to know what you’re up to. I’m CHILLIN! lol Folks from work were calling and texting me talking about “I know you aren’t doing anything to not answer the phone fool!”

Lady~

March 27th, 2012
9:58 am

Good post Slim!!!!!!!!!!! I totally feel you and one day I am going to deactivate but not posting has been refreshing. I created that monster and the current events of the world mixed with social media is damn stressful and it ain’t even mandatory so I am gaining my power back over me and focus on my priorities. I love adjust the rules on my playground. ;)

Lady~

March 27th, 2012
9:58 am

adjusting that is! smh lol

Lady~

March 27th, 2012
10:04 am

yeah Slim when you take a day off and folks start hitting you up like where you at can make you ill………My mental health days I don’t want to be bothered or accounted for. I have taken very few this year actually had perfect attendance two months straight. but when I take off I like to get lost and do me quietly.

Leggs

March 27th, 2012
10:06 am

“…it isn’t just a need for space from the beau but from people in general. Is that bad? – Heck no, we all need to be ALONE at times. That’s human nature. Complete quietness helps us mentally as well emotionally. To be in a space all by yourself is some of the best medicine on Earth for rejuvenation.

Slim's got the fever!

March 27th, 2012
10:09 am

Lady – Just like the song says, “It’s my party and I’ll cry if I want to” Same concept in making your own rules.

Lady~

March 27th, 2012
10:11 am

Leggs good post 10:06!

Indeed Slim~ ;)

Lady~

March 27th, 2012
10:13 am

It is amazing what sleep can do I am flowing today with my case study. Its almost done. I am so over testing smh lol

Slim's got the fever!

March 27th, 2012
10:28 am

Lady – Strangely, many people I’ve talked to recently says they haven’t been able to sleep that well as of late. I’m not certain if that has something to do with the weather or not but sleep does a body good

Lady~

March 27th, 2012
10:32 am

Slim this has been a tough springing forward for me. I am still not in sync with time and just being 100%. March is the new January. Back in the day January use to be a suck azz month but March has taken that title in my world. I am over it! lol

Leggs

March 27th, 2012
10:37 am

What did you do or say when you wanted space but not spaaaaaacce?

That could me the major problem when asking for “space.” Some don’t hear the former, only the latter. Some take it as an afront to their contribution or lack thereof to the relationship. Someone’s feelings are immediately “pinched” because they’ve placed their own strength on the word.

Leggs

March 27th, 2012
10:42 am

And now, instead of communicating, sulkiness is front and center.

kimmie

March 27th, 2012
10:45 am

Morning All!

I agree one must communicate their needs. A lot of guys just get ghost and expect you to read their minds and then later when the ish hits the fan, put it all off on YOU and label you with being clingy. Yeah, when you want some it’s all good, but when you need your space, then all of a sudden I’m “clingy”. Yeah right.

I never have been able to stand a clingy dude! NEVER!! I’ve always been a little different than a lot of guys expected in that area. I’ve always needed my space. I fully communicate that. We don’t have to sit down and have a “talk”. I just live my life up front – let them know I’m making plans to hang with friends, do things with the fam, get my hair done, shop, etc. A lot of times it coincided with things they had planned with the boys. Most were quite cool with it, others did not understand it. They wanted me to be at home, sweating what they were doing. I made plenty of time for them, but I just don’t want someone all up on me 24/7. I’ve been that way since a child.

Most confident men won’t have a problem with a woman that has her own life.

Slim's got the fever!

March 27th, 2012
10:59 am

Where is everyone, is it spring break now or what?

Lady~

March 27th, 2012
11:02 am

Slim in three days I will be on spring break and can’t wait!

Slim's got the fever!

March 27th, 2012
11:10 am

I’m jealous but enjoy it nonetheless ;-)

Leggs

March 27th, 2012
11:11 am

Seems to be a repeat of yesterday in terms of only a handful of bloggers.

Lady~

March 27th, 2012
11:18 am

abc

March 27th, 2012
11:21 am

I would think that the individuals would have enough of a life going on that personal space would be achieved just by conducting your life as normal, spending time together in free time. If you have so much free time that it equates to feeling like you have to spend too much time with your significant other, then you either have too much free time or the wrong significant other.

For instance, guys can go play golf, pursue hobbies, hit the gym, read, be occupied by creating things that require solitude — I do a lot of that lately, really back into composition and orchestration. Women can have similar interests that don’t have anything to do with their partner. If you don’t have interests like that, develop some.

kimmie

March 27th, 2012
11:33 am

abc – I agree with your entire post.

Lady~

March 27th, 2012
11:35 am

right on abc!

Celisea

March 27th, 2012
11:45 am

On topic: What abc said

Off topic: I finally saw Good Deeds…it was “a’ight” and a lovely dinner at Maggianos :)

Lady~

March 27th, 2012
11:46 am

Lady~

March 27th, 2012
11:53 am

I am using my groupon for Miss Betty’s House of Ribs this evening and I am looking forward to it…….no obligations this evening and no child! yay!

Celisea

March 27th, 2012
11:56 am

Hey Lady(bug)!

Celisea

March 27th, 2012
11:58 am

Lady, I’m going to send you a couple of links/menus. I thought Vinings because there are a few shops where we can “look around”….in case you wanna buy something :)

Leggs

March 27th, 2012
12:01 pm

If in Vinings and are craving a good burger, stop in Yeah Burger!

Vinings is overpriced on just about all their clothing and other items. if you’re into window shopping, you may enjoy.

Celisea

March 27th, 2012
12:03 pm

Leggs – Yeah they are. There’s an Ann Taylor Loft down there and a couple of other “not so bad” boutiques. I took my kid into one the other week and the jeans were $175….ummm NOT! I still like the quietness and coziness of that area. Hopefully we’ll be shooting the breeze (corny I know) on some deck for about a couple of hours :)

Lady~

March 27th, 2012
12:03 pm

oh okay cool beans I am down and Vinings rock!

Celisea

March 27th, 2012
12:04 pm

Lady :) I hope it’s not too “out of the way” for you

Lady~

March 27th, 2012
12:08 pm

not at all I will be free as a bird sis and Tuesday I am open so I am good.

Celisea

March 27th, 2012
12:15 pm

Lady – Wonderful….

Into the Light

March 27th, 2012
12:17 pm

Hey kids!

Vinings = FUN! Margaritas at La Paz, and then on to the boutiques. Great way to spend an afternoon.

Celisea

March 27th, 2012
12:19 pm

ITL – La Paz is one that’s on the list. The margaritas jumped out at me…for Lady

Slim's got the fever!

March 27th, 2012
12:21 pm

Cel – I passed by Maggiano’s this past Saturday but have never been…we ended up at Carrabba’s instead. Is their food pretty good and reasonably priced?

Into the Light

March 27th, 2012
12:23 pm

The margaritas jumped out at me…for Lady

Mmmm-hmmmm. I know you are too good a pal to let her drink alone, Ms. Cely… :)

Into the Light

March 27th, 2012
12:24 pm

Oh, and Cely – You know you better take her by Cami Cakes for a cupcake. :)