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Dating: Generosity make you uncomfortable?

My friend Joe told me about a woman he met recently who has a little hang up when it comes to accepting kind gestures, compliments, gifts from him. She told him that she is not accustomed to generous men, so when he shows that side to her she gets uncomfortable.

It is sad to think that women aren’t used to a guy pursuing them and treating them with kindness and generosity, but I have met a lot of women like this. It becomes that old self-fulfilling prophecy behavior thinking “If it is too good to be true, it probably is” or does the generosity come with strings?

Have you ever met or dated someone who is put off by generosity? Do you ever feel uncomfortable when someone showers you with romantic gifts?

By Wise Diva, Misadventures in Atlanta Dating Blog

353 comments Add your comment

Lady~

March 22nd, 2012
10:11 am

Lady~

March 22nd, 2012
10:16 am

czBrat what do you mean sis >>>if i can afford to “buy” him, he must not want much. and what does that say about me? hmmm???

Lady~

March 22nd, 2012
10:18 am

Oh I think I get it……….hurt people hurt people and users use people but I am neither so again I don’t buy women or men. ;)

Slim's got the fever!

March 22nd, 2012
10:18 am

Lady – I took her statement to mean that maybe she doesn’t have much $$ to be out ‘buying’ some dude. I could be wrong though but I know I don’t have it like that.

disco

March 22nd, 2012
10:19 am

slim – that first chick, the neighbor chick, I won’t lie – I thought about pimping her out myself.

Leggs

March 22nd, 2012
10:20 am

@disco ~ those are thirsty, lonely women.

Mike P

March 22nd, 2012
10:21 am

Man receives the greatest pleasure from the bestow of his possessions, gifts, his world, and of himself to his family (including his woman).

It is perfectly normal for a man to shower a woman he’s interested with gifts, to entice the woman; it is in his very nature to be a provider, protector, and pro-creator. remove any of these from the man, and he becomes less than his actualized potential. Why would you be with a man who is less than himself?

Trouble is women know this and SOME women intentionally exploit this, and then want to call the guy a loser or whatever… I say, point that finger inward.

Lady~

March 22nd, 2012
10:22 am

Slim if I had money like that I ain’t buying friendship or a relationship period….it an’t worth it bc its not real in my world…it is fulfilling a void ….grown folks trying to compensate is amusing

czBrat

March 22nd, 2012
10:22 am

nah, lady, just cracking wise on the ability to “buy” anybody. like disco’s friend, i ain’t got it to splurge so if i can afford you, you must be pretty cheap.
and if you’re cheap, i’m suddenly wondering how the he!! i ended up being your type. :shock:

yeah, what slim said. :lol:

czBrat

March 22nd, 2012
10:25 am

…and SOME women …
thank you for being so considerate, mike.

n

March 22nd, 2012
10:26 am

That is a great question. I really like it. I am a naturally generous person. Giving is a way of saying, I like you, you are appreciated. As you my guess or surmise, I have not gathered a significant sum for myself but I enjoy my life. I remember a girl, a little hard pressed for money, I was very kind and generous and I think she appreciated it.Then a relative died and left her ooooodles of money, 5 or 6 million. do you know what happened?
Do you want to know what happened? You do? Well, I’ll tell you, she phased me out and another fello in. She tried to soften the blow, by saying “I could still be part of the action”, the 3 of us, but I lost interest. Now isn’t that a sad story?

Lady~

March 22nd, 2012
10:26 am

Button

March 22nd, 2012
10:26 am

Have you ever met or dated someone who is put off by generosity? I’ve met a lot of women like this. They are so used to being dogged out that when a decent guy does come around they don’t know how to act and run the poor guy off!

Do you ever feel uncomfortable when someone showers you with romantic gifts? NO! I would feel the exact opposite, I would feel uncomfortable if he didn’t shower me with romantic gifts. Who doesn’t like/love a nice romantic guy?

disco

March 22nd, 2012
10:27 am

leggs – beyond thirsty and lonely. guess I was just raised different. I can give a guy the goods but he can’t have my money.

brat – you funny.

Purple

March 22nd, 2012
10:28 am

Mike P, do you think a man should be that way with every woman? Even a woman he is interested in? I mean we work hard so bestowing to something that is not a sure thing is dangerous.

lolalee

March 22nd, 2012
10:30 am

morning.

So Im a little in this situation now with my man. He’s generous, pays when we go out, sometimes sends flowers, etc. I don’t question his motive becuase I think it comes from the right place… But. What I have a hard time with is reciprocating because he has A LOT more money than I do, so no way I can even come close for gifts. I’ve tried to do creative things like cooking for him and dropping it off at his house (which he likes), or goofy little gifts. But still, I feel cheap. So how can I accept his generosity when I can’t reciprocate? I feel guilty.

Button

March 22nd, 2012
10:31 am

If I’m with a guy and he doesn’t compliment me or show any kind of romantic gestures then I have to question his attraction towards me.

Purple

March 22nd, 2012
10:32 am

lolalee, why do you feel obligated to gift him back at the same level? It’s the thought not the $

Button

March 22nd, 2012
10:34 am

lolalee are you looking at it from a competitive prespective? If so, then you’re going to feel anxious and then resentment will kick in.

disco

March 22nd, 2012
10:34 am

lolalee – thoughtful carries a lot of weight with the “real” men. like these men say on here all the time, for them it’s mostly about appreciation. they don’t really want or need much other than the occasional little tokens.

lolalee

March 22nd, 2012
10:38 am

Purple Yes, you are right, but it seems so out of wack. Like if we exchange holday gifts and your budget is $500 but mine is $50. We both understand that, but still… it just makes me look cheap. I’m not, I just don’t have that same level of resources. Thus, I’ll cook or any other little thing I can think of. Maybe its that ‘language of love’ kind of thing, too?? Gifts are not really how I receive love, but maybe that’s a way he shows his…??

czBrat

March 22nd, 2012
10:39 am

So how can I accept his generosity when I can’t reciprocate? I feel guilty.
lola, dare i say if he is your man, he should not make you feel guilty for not giving at his level. if you’re guilting yourself, please stop!

we all give the best we can. for some it’s cash flow, for some it’s knowledge, for others time … you get what i’m trying to say. if you’re giving from the heart, that’s all that matters. don’t measure yourself by any other meter.

Leggs

March 22nd, 2012
10:40 am

@lolalee ~ I remember once dating a guy who had much more than I had. I felt a little inadequate in that my $$ didn’t stretch as far as his could. What I quickly realized is the things that I was doing meant more to him than any gift I could have bought. You’re doing fine and believe you me, it will be your own mental state that will sabotage things for you. Going forward, know you’re doing all you can out of love, respect and appreciation, and it’s the absolute best you can presently do. With that front and center, your gifts will be even more appreciate because now you’ll be extending them with a tad bit more confidence.

lolalee

March 22nd, 2012
10:41 am

dico I do make really sure he never thinks I feel entitled to anything. I do very much appreciate his genrosity in terms of paying for dinner at places I couln’t go to, or tickets to something or other. Every once in a while I’ll pick it up, but I have to plan ahead to do that, where he doesn’t really have to. Maybe also some of my ex baggage since he was a cheapazz man who thought I should carry him. :(

lolalee

March 22nd, 2012
10:44 am

L:eggs and cz Thank you. I definitely don’t want to mess this up. He is a good man, and he loves me. :) :) :)

Slim's got the fever!

March 22nd, 2012
10:49 am

lolalee – That’s how it is in my current relationship where he has wayyy more $$ than I have. One Christmas he ended up buying me a netbook and a printer of which I was soooo grateful for and I have to say I felt a bit sad that I could not go out and spend a few hundred dollars on him. It really is the pressure i’ve put on myself because I’ve somehow programmed myself to think the only way to show gratitude is to be able to blow an equal amount of cash on a gift just as big. We’ve discussed this and he said that he has no issue with it at all. He was like, sometimes he pays, sometimes I pay and he’s cool with that. And I totally have had to be more creative with things too. For one of his bday’s I didn’t have a lot of misc cash but I went and got some reasonably priced decorations and decorated his house in bday garb, blew up lot’s a balloons that I placed everywhere and bought his favorite dessert. He was surprised and appreciative. Oh yeah, I sung happy birthday on a voice note and sent it to him as well. (I had to get realllll vulnerable on that one because although I can carry a tune, I’m not Whitney Houston) ;-)

Purple

March 22nd, 2012
10:50 am

I don’t know if I am speaking for all men/ But what impresses me is a card every know and then, my favorite meals, tools, tickets to a movie that I want to see and not the normal girly movie I am dragged to. Taking the garbage to the main road on a day that work has me behind in the morning etc. We are not hard to please and very cheap LOL

i'm swiss

March 22nd, 2012
10:50 am

lolalee — Remember, a world-rocking BJ won’t cost you anything, but to him it’s priceless. :lol:

Kat

March 22nd, 2012
10:56 am

I agree with czBrat. I think generosity and being a gentlemen need to be traits men posses in a relationship, although there is a limit to everything. Excursive gifts/generosity can sometimes cause uneasiness for the other person, whether they are use to it or not. This can be due to the fact that the other person thinks that they can’t equally keep up with their partners gifts/generosity or possibly even smothered.

I have had my fair share of dating and short term relationships. In all of those relationships I did not find guys giving gifts or being extra nice or even gentlemen to get something more from me. Some woman have allowed men to lose these qualities by degrading themselves and making us appear less worthy of these gifts. I have had the experience that men will try to get something more even without even trying to wine and dine you. If you don’t put out they move on the someone that will.

However I do believe their are still amazing men out there that care. Now there is no perfect person, but there are people that posses qualities that you want in a person. If you think something is “perfect” than you have not been around or in it long enough. The guy I am currently with has been more than I ever asked for. He is a perfect gentlemen, has left me small occasional gifts(random email/text, a flower etc) and has never once tried to get something more. This is perhaps we are both on the same page about how we want our physical relationship to stay until we are married.

Woman when you find the one you should be with you wont complain or cringe about how he treats you. He will do it for you because he loves you and you will gladly accept it because you love him.

lolalee

March 22nd, 2012
10:57 am

Slim can I copy your birthday idea? It’s soon and that would be perfect.

Yes, Swiss, I can follow with your idea…

Purple , need to keep that in mind. He is a basic dude at heart.

czBrat

March 22nd, 2012
10:57 am

no prob, lola. my situtation is not that different from yours. s/o treats me to wonderful overseas vacations every birthday and great events, restaurants and getaways all year long. he does this because HE enjoys it and feels blessed to have me to share it with.

i take him out of town for a weekend on his birthdays and nab groupon deals for us every now & then. so what? i also give him rub downs even when i’m tired, spend hours listening and talking to him about everything and nothing, lotion his feet after his shower, rub his head while we veg on the couch, and gave him a key to my place. i’ve shown him a level of trust (and trustworthy) that he’s never known. he couldn’t care less about the cash value of anything i do for him.

and swiss speaks truth too.

Slim's got the fever!

March 22nd, 2012
10:57 am

And here comes Comedy Central :lol: swiss you are a mess….But let me ask you a question. What if ‘world-rocking BJ’s’ a normal thing? How can you top that really? (not saying I give those but just asking generally) :oops:

i'm swiss

March 22nd, 2012
10:59 am

C’mon, now, Slim, I thought you had already mastered this. How do you top one world-rocking BJ? With another world-rocking BJ. :lol: We’re not complicated creatures. ;-) :lol:

Leggs

March 22nd, 2012
11:01 am

@czB ~ does he have a brother? I want to date, vacation, and wine and dine (on both our dimes)!!!

disco

March 22nd, 2012
11:01 am

swiss – see my 10:27 – I’ll give the goods but I’m not parting with my money. that’s not to say that I don’t give gifts (and nice, thoughtful gifts at that) or pay for meals or what have you but I’ll never allow myself to put more money into a man than he’s putting into me. again I’ll chalk it up to my home training.

lola – how about popping out of a cake? or just plain being the cake. okay, never mind. to early for all that.

Purple

March 22nd, 2012
11:02 am

Slim, worl rocking BJ’s never get old.

i'm swiss

March 22nd, 2012
11:02 am

Maybe it’s time for a PSA for the ladies:

You don’t have to be that creative. I don’t care how many times you’ve emptied your man’s ballz, you will never hear him say, “Aw, maaaaaan, not sex AGAIN!” :lol:

kimmie

March 22nd, 2012
11:04 am

Morning All!

Nice discussion we are having today!

Lolalee – He sounds like a keeper. I’ve been where you are. It’s easy to say “don’t feel bad, do what you can”, but you gotta push thru it. He’s obviously happy with what you bring to the table or he wouldn’t be seeing you. You show your appreciation the best way you can, in the way that you do. Enjoy the thought behind his generosity to you. You both are very blessed!

I was raised with the “nothing is free” mentality and, other than bday or holiday gifts, was not allowed to accept gifts from guys. My parents didn’t want any dudes expecting anything from me in return. When I grew older, it was a little harder to accept more and not read anything into a guy’s generosity because I was so programmed. I didn’t want any guy to think I wanted anything extra or was trying to be a golddigger because I had my own. All I couldn’t get on my own, I just didn’t have, or if truly in need my family would step in. I finally relaxed a little and realized I was going a little overboard with it. Nice guys would be trying to do nice things, and I was making them feel bad by not wanting to accept anything.

I wouldn’t say I was not used to a guy treating me well, but I was forever waiting for the other shoe to drop. A defense mechanism for me, not low self-esteem. I learned to relax a bit and trust my judgement.

Slim's got the fever!

March 22nd, 2012
11:06 am

lolalee – Don’t consider it stealing…have at it but make sure you get some birthday confetti (Dollar Store ;-) )…I’m not sure if there is a favorite picture of you two together but one thing I did for Vday was took a picture of us down to Walmart and had a calendar made with it on there. They give you different options of what you can use the picture for if you didn’t want to do a calendar. You can do a picnic or something with different foods/fruits he likes…but send him an evite just for him inviting him to a eve with you but make it nice and exciting, you don’t even have to tell him where you’re going. I think some guys like the surprise element too.

i'm swiss

March 22nd, 2012
11:06 am

Maybe I could put this in terms the ladies can better relate to:

Ladies, would you ever get tired of your man giving you diamonds? There you go. :lol:

i'm swiss

March 22nd, 2012
11:09 am

Or for you SAT analogy buffs:

BJs : men ::

diamonds : women

Slim's got the fever!

March 22nd, 2012
11:11 am

Correction

BJs : men::
earmuffilectomies : Slim :lol:

czBrat

March 22nd, 2012
11:11 am

i was raised on “use what you got to get what you want” and the “keep an ace in the hole” (which i’ve shared on this blog before), so i’m just gonna smdh and smile at my mama’s good intentions. and leave it at that.

leggs, no available brothers, but i’m constantly screening his friends. :wink:

i'm swiss

March 22nd, 2012
11:14 am

:lol: Well, that’s good to know, Slim, ‘cos I’ve got a much greater supply of earmuffilectomies to hand out than I do diamonds, that’s for d@mn sure… :lol:

Mike P

March 22nd, 2012
11:16 am

@Purple: no, not every woman. Just HIS woman or the woman he’s actually pursuing with sincere, serious, family-making intentions. NOT b ooty call women… booty call women are only paid in reciprocal sexual activities.

lolalee

March 22nd, 2012
11:17 am

so the birthday plan is decorate his house (he’ll appreciate the effort), cook him dinner (he likes my cooking) then a world rockin (priceless)

i'm swiss

March 22nd, 2012
11:19 am

lolalee — And I’m quite sure you’ll have one very happy b-day boy on your hands after executing that plan.

lolalee

March 22nd, 2012
11:21 am

Thanks all. I feel better. (as will he, swiss!)
Out for day, work calls.

czBrat

March 22nd, 2012
11:23 am

truthfully, lola, they are just that easy to please. have fun!! :)

and yes, swiss. i would get tired of diamonds.

Leggs

March 22nd, 2012
11:24 am

Good job, czB!

That what this blog does on most days, make people who are down feel better (that is if they come correct). For those feeling down and whining about and doing the same thing day in and day out, this blog will shoot you to the moon with no return aircraft.