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Dating: Generosity make you uncomfortable?

My friend Joe told me about a woman he met recently who has a little hang up when it comes to accepting kind gestures, compliments, gifts from him. She told him that she is not accustomed to generous men, so when he shows that side to her she gets uncomfortable.

It is sad to think that women aren’t used to a guy pursuing them and treating them with kindness and generosity, but I have met a lot of women like this. It becomes that old self-fulfilling prophecy behavior thinking “If it is too good to be true, it probably is” or does the generosity come with strings?

Have you ever met or dated someone who is put off by generosity? Do you ever feel uncomfortable when someone showers you with romantic gifts?

By Wise Diva, Misadventures in Atlanta Dating Blog

353 comments Add your comment

Lily

March 22nd, 2012
7:20 am

Diva I believe there are men that are sincere in their efforts and intents. I do. I also believe my daddy when he said “baby ain’t nothing free” He did not mean every generous effort was laced with strings attached….some yes but not all. However tis true….nothing is free. There is a price tag somewhere at some point. I believe my daddy and yes I’ve experienced exactly what daddy said.

I dated a guy once that only knew how to shower. No commitment…just how he was. I know it was how he expressed it. Actually a pretty decent guy. But a guy where nothing had been sealed nor made official. In my naievity I would always tell him money spent was on him. As time moved along he came to “expect” a relationship because that had been his history of how he moved into one. Well as you can guess after a couple years of “generosity” and my continued stance of not interested, he became not only offended but biligerent.

In essence my daddy knew best and what he told me is exactly how things came to pass. Just have to be careful that if he’s not a husband doing husbandly duties, there could be problems further down the road.

Lady~

March 22nd, 2012
7:56 am

Good Morning Good People! Lily great assessment!

Lady~

March 22nd, 2012
8:03 am

hmmm reading this makes me think of using your common sense and institution and not accepting everything all the time………..

Lily

March 22nd, 2012
8:05 am

Lady~

March 22nd, 2012
8:15 am

Lady~

March 22nd, 2012
8:24 am

Lilly you play that fool role once an learn for the most part……you just can’t be nice and generous to every person you meet. Man or woman…….use discretion

Celisea

March 22nd, 2012
8:41 am

@Lady, it’s not normal either, I don’t think to get showered with gifts out of nowhere. I can see birthdays, special occasions and surprises here and there but all the time with no rhyme or reason makes me uneasy. As I stated, this guy was a great guy and we talked below the surface on where I was in not wanting a real relationship with him. He always claimed he understood but eventually his true colors surfaced and he was angry in the end.

Celisea

March 22nd, 2012
8:41 am

Where’s my first post? It was here….

Lady~

March 22nd, 2012
8:46 am

See C use you common sense. All the time gifts is trying to fill a void to me. Something is lacking somewhere and trying to compensate with flattery. I had this older guy a while back use this tactic and being young and dumb I fell for it and instead of banking that money I wasted it. but trust he lacked in other areas and it was a void to me bc I truly didn’t care for him just liked the money. sad but true you live and learn and I don’t play this game no more bc no one wins. hurting folks is not the business.

Celisea

March 22nd, 2012
8:49 am

Me either. I don’t mind nice gestures after we’ve established something but for me…can’t say for all…it sends a red flag when someone out of nowhere does way too much too soon. Don’t get me wrong, I like nice but really who does the GOLD DIGGER thing these days? Especially being older??? Frankly a man ain’t got enough for me to latch on to him solely for benefits. I’ll walk my own walk. Have my own struggles or whatever but I ain’t leaning on someone solely for benefits…lol I don’t like anybody that much.

Celisea

March 22nd, 2012
8:50 am

And really Lady, maybe it’s my upbringing but I just can’t see a man doing too much too soon without some level of expectation. IMO he may not even think so at the time nor state such but I just believe eventually he’ll expect one to come on with it.

Lady~

March 22nd, 2012
8:52 am

free does not equate to good for you…….here lately within the last 2 years I have master this and I have been stop going out to eat with dues I knew I wasn’t feeling….yeah did that for a second but its such a waste of time and money when I know I wasn’t going to call back. I got comfy with me and handled my personal void.

Lady~

March 22nd, 2012
8:53 am

I feel ya C!!!!

Lady~

March 22nd, 2012
8:53 am

meant with dudes

Slim's got the fever!

March 22nd, 2012
8:56 am

Good morning,

I’m struggling a bit today so I’ll lurk for now or at least until my coffee kicks in.

Lady~

March 22nd, 2012
8:57 am

Frankly a man ain’t got enough for me to latch on to him solely for benefits. <<<<Love that! When you value your worth this is effortlessly! So true!

disco

March 22nd, 2012
9:06 am

good morning all.

lily – amen to your very first post re “ain’t nothing free”.

slim – I’m struggling too. co-worker told me I looked tired on the way in. generally I believe that comment means you look jacked up but today I took it at face value. even as I sit here I feel like shutting it down.

out of curiosity – where might all these gift showering, wallet leading men be hanging out at? are there any obvious signs or characteristics to look for to help me spot them?

Leggs

March 22nd, 2012
9:10 am

Good morning!!!

“It becomes that old self-fulfilling prophecy behavior thinking, if it is too good to be true, it probably is” – I don’t necessarily believe in self-fulling prophecies. Meaning, if you want to turn anything around you have the ability to do so. That’s like saying you’re a product of your environment…not true! Anyway, sometimes it’s good, it’s meant for you, ride it out.

“does the generosity come with strings? – In some cases, sure. What you need to do is assess when and to what degree this man is being generous with you. Too quick out the gate is not a good thing if you’re leading with your wallet. Now, there are many levels of generosity and not all involves $$. Nonetheless, one needs to be carefu on what they accept and need to understand why they accepted the tangible and/or non-tangible gift.

Celisea

March 22nd, 2012
9:11 am

Re pu ta tion….this is what got my initial post eaten by the blog monster

Slim's got the fever!

March 22nd, 2012
9:13 am

disco – I don’t know if it’s the cloudy weather or what but everyone in my office is feeling the same way…tired, dragging, not too enthused about being out of the bed.

Lady~

March 22nd, 2012
9:14 am

Good post Leggs I agree! Awareness is key especially self awareness! As long as you know and cool with it do you……both true intentions will eventually surface though. Believe that!

Celisea

March 22nd, 2012
9:15 am

Lady I don’t know why some believe hard working, struggling, single parents, taking care of the elderly won’t have enough self pride and good with leaning on someone’s wallet. :)

Lady~

March 22nd, 2012
9:18 am

Don’t start C!!!!!!!!!!!! LOL too funny!

Slim's got the fever!

March 22nd, 2012
9:22 am

As far as receiving gifts, I’m always pretty appreciative whenever someone does something for me as a genuine gesture. Like Leggs said, if you’re coming out of the gate with giving me things, then I’d question his motive. I don’t ever want to feel like the gift is setting me up to be obligated to you in some form or fashion, in his mind anyway. Don’t come back later throwing it back in my face because when you give, it should be because that’s something you WANTED to do, not because you’re prepping me for some hidden motive down the road.

Celisea

March 22nd, 2012
9:24 am

Lady – :)

Slim – I agree

mark

March 22nd, 2012
9:26 am

now i believe in treating a woman well when we are out on a date. but to just give random gifts to a lady if it;s not a holiday or her birthday i dont do that.
1. Because im cheap
2. i dont feel a man should have to give if he doesnt have any history with that woman. I.E. my wife.

Lady~

March 22nd, 2012
9:28 am

Slim I really believe the saying nothing is free. Even down to conversing. Both parties or at least one is trying to see if some type of investment is worth it to move forward. Sure being nice doesn’t cost a thing but some will remind you of what they did. That guy I met this past Falcons season we went out two times and as we chatted on the phone he always asked so when you taking me out I took you here blah, blah, blah. I really believe he has been taken advantage of bc he choose to lead with his wallet but I was like why are you playing tic for tac with me reminding me that you took me out. I made sure I returned the favor treated him and never called his simple azz back. I say if you are uncomfortable spending money on folks don’t do it. period. It is nothing wrong with paying separately.

Lady~

March 22nd, 2012
9:28 am

lol interesting

czBrat

March 22nd, 2012
9:30 am

Have you ever met or dated someone who is put off by generosity?
no
Do you ever feel uncomfortable when someone showers you with romantic gifts?
no

leggs’ post reminds me of the love language issue. a dude can overflow in generosity in material things, not realizing that “things” are not my love language. i’m still grateful, but perhaps not as impressed as he would expect me to be. that’s because “things” don’t impress me; actions do. and the very same can happen the other way around.

so it begs the question: what do you expect in return for your generosity?
i’ve always felt that if generosity is simply your true nature, your only expectation is that the other person be pleased.

HiYas

Purple

March 22nd, 2012
9:31 am

Depends on the gesture and time in the relationship. If you have a history and stable it’s fine. If it’s in the intitial I guess it is ok while trying to impress but don’t start anything you can’t keep up. On the otherside of the coin I was one who was not used to a woman doing stuff for me. It was strange buying me clothes, shoes, watches etc and it was not a birthday or holiday. Just was not used to that or a woman setting up a date night o taking my card when I tried to pay the bill only to replace it with her own. In those situations I thought “something must be up”. But there is a difference in a generous act and going overboard. I guess operate in your comfort level. Now with women I would randomly send flowers or if I were out and about and saw something that I thought would look good on my current interest at the time I would get it etc. I have met woman who were so independent that they had a problem with it but once you show that there was no obligations in recieving the gifts things lightened up. A persons income is a factor too, what may seem extravagant to some is not even a drop in the bucket to others.

disco

March 22nd, 2012
9:32 am

we are talking men showering women with gifts and the reasons behind it. I’m sure we’d all agree women do the same. some women shower men with gifts and give them money and some just put themselves out trying to be overly available and do every little thing for that man. now I’m not talking about their man (boyfriend/husband). I’m talking about that man they are still in the process of trying to get. fact is some folks are out their trying to buy friends and affection.

Leggs

March 22nd, 2012
9:34 am

2. i dont feel a man should have to give if he doesnt have any history with that woman. I.E. my wife.

So, are you saying you wouldn’t bestow a gift upon your gf of, say one year? If that’s your take, I have no issue with it, just wondering if you’re truly saying no one gets a gift if she isn’t your wife?

mark

March 22nd, 2012
9:36 am

Leggs i said a woman i have some history with either a long term girlfriend or my wife.

Lady~

March 22nd, 2012
9:38 am

I can’t recall ever trying to buy a man or a friend….naw don’t play that game but my sister does so I have seen it……I ask too many questions to even go there

Purple

March 22nd, 2012
9:40 am

I don’t think you should buy gifts for a woman unless you are really serious about her.

disco

March 22nd, 2012
9:41 am

lady – truth be told I see women doing it far more than I see men doing it. daggone shame I tell you. back in the day you used to hear about the “kept woman”. shoot the “kept man” is making a come up. just last night a friend of mine was talking about her daughter and son-in-law. daughter, in a nutshell, is carrying SIL.

Celisea

March 22nd, 2012
9:43 am

disco – I’d ask you the same…where are you seeing these women? The women in my circle don’t play that…lol Ut uh

Lady~

March 22nd, 2012
9:44 am

disco that madness drives me damn crazy. Must admit my sis has gotten better but she was stuck on stoopid. Low self-esteem is a product of this behavior and its sad to watch a love one be used but only that person can stop their behavior. how many times can one be kicked and still be there financially for another breathing adult. hell no I don’t play it.

Lady~

March 22nd, 2012
9:45 am

C they are out there sadly hell men and women are victims and abusers….back to human behavior it happens across the board……

Robert

March 22nd, 2012
9:47 am

“Have you ever met or dated someone who is put off by generosity? ”

I have dated women who have not experienced how a gentleman treats a lady and really do not know what to think or feel. For example simple jestures such as opening and closing the car door or holding the door open while she enters and exits a room. Men learn “manners” by watching other men (fathers, uncles, etc.). I have a greater appreciation for my father because of how he treated my mother. She could do no wrong in his eyes. Today women want men to give them tangible gifts (money, etc.) to show their generosity rather than treat them with kindness and respect. Men who grow-up without any male influence do not know the difference between treating a woman with kindness and respect. They think giving tangibles gifts is a sign of their generosity. You can not teach a boy how to be a man.

Purple

March 22nd, 2012
9:47 am

disco, a man who accepts gifts and is “kept” by a woman is really suspect. Maybe they were momma’s boys growing up?

Slim's got the fever!

March 22nd, 2012
9:52 am

I was just talking to an old neighbor of mine last night and he was telling me about some of his experiences in dating chicks. He said he gets freaked out or either guarded when chicks he dates seems too eager to go from dating to relationship status…of course trying to impress by buying him things was part of the deal. He said it makes them give the chicks the side-wye whilst trying to figure out what their motive is.
Even my current beau has asked me what my angle is or why “I am so good to him” before and it took me off guard..especially since I’ve never really had my genuiness (if that’s even a word) questioned. I recall a time where he seemed to be stressed or down about something and I went out and got him a smiley face balloon and wrote a silly poem that I attached to the string of the balloon just to cheer him up…I think that threw him off a little. That wasn’t me trying to impress him, or shower him with some extravagant gift…it was me simply showing concern & care for his mental well-being. I heard not too long ago that people often do what they need. So I would definitely appreciate a gesture as small as that because of the THOUGHT behind it. So maybe there is some truth to that statement

Leggs

March 22nd, 2012
9:54 am

@Lady ~ there was a guy at a bar I used to frequent. We seemed to have caught each other’s eye. I soon realized he was at other places I went to after work. If I was by myself we would sit together. I think he bought me a few drinks, I in kind paid for a round or two as time went by. Fast forward to a year after meeting him. This mo fo had the nerve to say, “well, we seem to be in the same places often, don’t you think it’s time we take this to another level and sleep together?” :shock: :shock: Boy, I had to laugh just to have my mouth doing something and not cuzz his lame, uncouth arse out!. So, I simply told him he was a foolish idiot, finished my drank and left. Haven’t seen him since, and this man was Fine!!!

Lady~

March 22nd, 2012
9:56 am

Leggs the maturity level on some older brothers are so suspect!

disco

March 22nd, 2012
9:57 am

C – one, a neighbor of mine, consistently puts her money on the line. the most recent guy she met at a party and within a week was buying him clothes. it progressed to her paying his phone bill and paying for him to go golfing and buying him flat screen tvs and on and on. it went on for a couple of years. to add insult to injury he was whooping her A to boot. countless times I told her how foolish she was. same chick gave the man before this man $1000 and come to find out that was money she’d been saving for her child to go back to school shopping. needless to say, kid didn’t have new school clothes.

another chick (friend of a friend) let a guy move into her house with her. he didn’t contribute to costs, just lived there for free and if that wasn’t enough he told her what all she needed to do to her house (floors, countertops etc). she did all that and she paid for all of that. she carried that man for a few years, even cosigned for his car) and then he upped and married someone else. she was darned near suicidal.

third chick, close friend of mine, works a low wage job and doesn’t have money to spare. she just recently gave a guy $100 (not a lot in general but more than she could spare) with the understanding he’d pay it back the following week before her rent was due. guess whose rent was late?

Leggs

March 22nd, 2012
9:59 am

@mark ~ no, you didn’t say “either” “or”. You only gave the example of having history, i.e, your wife. I though it implied, just asking.

disco

March 22nd, 2012
10:02 am

now here’s the double standard – I’ll admit every time I hear of a woman doing too much for a man I’ll talk about her and call her out. when I hear of a woman reaping the benefits of a man that’s doing too much I’ll high five her, tell her to get hers and just be careful in the process.

Lady~

March 22nd, 2012
10:03 am

yeah such as life it is a double standard that makes the woman looks silly as hell……Its a man’s wold! ha!

Slim's got the fever!

March 22nd, 2012
10:06 am

disco – DANG! That’s a whole lot of reverse Caking going on with your friends!!! You think I could get one of them to sponsor me? :mrgreen:

czBrat

March 22nd, 2012
10:07 am

I can’t recall ever trying to buy a man or a friend
if i can afford to “buy” him, he must not want much. and what does that say about me? hmmm???
:lol:

slim, if a dude hasn’t been treated right in past relationships it might take him a minute to realize that a truly good, kind, decent woman wants nothing from him other than respect and pleasant company. once they realize that, they’ll want to tie you up and keep you to themselves forever. :wink: