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City & State or ZIP Tonight, this weekend, May 5th...
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City & State or ZIP Tonight, this weekend, May 5th...
City & State or ZIP

Should couples keep secrets?

When you have been together for a really long time, you begin to figure out what needs to be done to keep the peace in realtionships. A married couple once told me that sometimes total honesty has no place in a relationship! Obviously, you don’t want to hide the fact that you have another spouse or anything, but are there some secrets that couples should keep?

I always believed that I would marry my best friend. Someone I could share everything with, but I am starting to wonder if I am being naive. Why should a couple keep things from each other? What does it mean when it becomes a habit? How do you know what needs to be said, shared, or revealed versus what needs to be kept a secret?

Have you ever wished that you actually had less honesty in a relationship? Do you think that a couple that keeps secrets will eventually end up harming the relationship more than helping it?

By Wise Diva, Misadventures in Atlanta Dating Blog

289 comments Add your comment

Lady~

March 16th, 2012
10:14 am

Slim I like Frosty Forggy’s there. and Habour (sp) Town @ the pier

Lady~

March 16th, 2012
10:15 am

exactly C!!!!!! I am not condoning current foolishness.com lol

Leggs

March 16th, 2012
10:20 am

Huh, your Ex played for the other team? He revealed this while dating you? You stayed in the relationship after that revelation??

SlimUno

March 16th, 2012
10:20 am

Ex – Ok, it’s coming via Dove Express

Leggs mail call

Lady~

March 16th, 2012
10:21 am

harbour town hilton head (oh I was right) nice place to be Slim I went to a jazz on the Atlantic event there one Christmas very nice

Leggs

March 16th, 2012
10:22 am

@Lady – thanks for your 10:01. I hate sounding like a broken record (lol).

Lady~

March 16th, 2012
10:23 am

kimmie

March 16th, 2012
10:24 am

Morning All!!

Exiled, whether or not to tell a spouse that they are gaining weight is not my idea of a “secret”! That’s staring at them in the mirror. The mirror, or those tight clothes, don’t lie.

You have to know your partner. It depends on what the “secret” is. Only you can gauge if it’s important to reveal and if keeping it is going to harm someone in the relationship. A lot of times it really is unnecessary. Or it’s just to make yourself feel good, yet you’ve destoyed your partner. To think any other way is, in my opinion, being very naive.

Yay, the weekend is almost here!!!!

SlimUno

March 16th, 2012
10:24 am

Lady – Thanks I’ll look it up…

Ex – I like all those things but you never know as a first time visitor what is actually good or not. Just wanted some personal references if any of you had any. Might be trying to dip out of town next weekend.

Purple

March 16th, 2012
10:27 am

No good can come from keeping secrets, when in a serious relationship and building a new life. Now your past is your past but you should not have to lie about your past. Keeping a secret is no different than being dishonest/lying/omitting…all because you decided to keep a secret when asked a question or whatever. If you do any of the above don’t expect others to be “real” with you.

Lady~

March 16th, 2012
10:29 am

good point purple…..when asked here recently I have been forthcoming and I have asked some serious questions and got the truth and even verified it after meeting his family so you are correct but I am not offering all about my past and he isn’t either…..but I see your point and it is correct!

lolalee

March 16th, 2012
10:33 am

Exiled, Leggs
I had no idea. He’d had a close family friend growing up that he talked about from time to time, and always with some weirdness in the telling. Then he became friends with a gay neighbor, but started spending way too much time there. I grew suspicious, although he was still taking care of it at home. When they were together it was like you can always tell when people have been lovers — they stand too close, or look to directly at each other. So then I knew. I pressed him on both of those. The family friend one he told me about, but played it like a ‘youthful experiment’ kinda thing. The second one he denied, but I knew. The marriage was already blowing up, so it didn’t really do much other than confirm what I knew by then.

Exiled!

March 16th, 2012
10:33 am

Slim..I hope u take Officer with u or replacement..

when u going

disco

March 16th, 2012
10:33 am

purple – that sounds all good in theory. still you leave room for the defense “but you didn’t ask me that specifically”. folks omit things. maybe for good reason, maybe “just because”. perhaps they didn’t intend to omit they just weren’t thinking about such and such. maybe the omission wasn’t that important to them whereas it was hella important to the other person. either way, I stick with my stance that no one is ever going to tell everything. you are lucky if you get told the important things and by important things I mean the things that are important TO YOU.

lolalee

March 16th, 2012
10:34 am

@ Purple So you really want your woman telling you that you are not the best — or the biggest– she’s had? You want that much honesty??

Celisea

March 16th, 2012
10:36 am

This is not about squeaky clean and perpetrating a fraud. It’s not that hard to be honest….tell the truth, that’s all you can do. How the other person receives it is on them. That may be harsh but I would bet my next pay check that they’d rather be hurt from the truth than hurt from know you’re a dishonest and keep secrets.

I stand by a solid relationship is built on trust :)

Exiled!

March 16th, 2012
10:37 am

Or u answered that

hh is good for families or if u got a lover..very fresh aired and serene and beautiful…

I hope lil Slim is brewed there and will be fermenting in ur lil pouch by the time u get back :lol:

Celisea

March 16th, 2012
10:39 am

I don’t think I want relations (physically, mentally, emotionally) with someone comparing me to another. That’s an issue of maturity…IMHO I would hope we’re living in the now and enjoying what’s present.

Purple

March 16th, 2012
10:39 am

lolalee, I know Im not the biggest and as far as best she ever had…she’s and I have never been as intimate with anyone else so we best the both we ever had. A real man knows that stuff doesn’t amount to much at all nor does it matter. And if you care enough about a person you will accept them and their past, if not then that’s not the person for you. And if you have to lie or keep secret your past that really means that you are not even comfortable with yourself.

Lady~

March 16th, 2012
10:39 am

Slim SanDestin is just as nice and romantic too and you can drive great road trip witth a lover or family

lolalee

March 16th, 2012
10:39 am

and more importantly, do you think you can handle that much honesty?

@ disco. Good points. Some things are important and absolute honesty is required. Many things. But if its something that isn’t important, and it’s hurtful, than why share? I’m interested in the person you are today, and yes, about how you got there, but not every little detail. Those past things that will impact me, yes, I need to know. You have a felony record? I need to know because it affects your ability to get employment, housing, etc etc. You have kids out there I dont know about? Marriages your haven’t disclosed?

Lady~

March 16th, 2012
10:41 am

I would hope we’re living in the now and enjoying what’s present.<<<<<<<<<<<Love it C!!!! Classic CBT!!!!!!!

Celisea

March 16th, 2012
10:41 am

Lady – We’re gonna have fun at our lady’s luncheon :)

Lady~

March 16th, 2012
10:42 am

lolalee agree with you 10:39

Purple

March 16th, 2012
10:42 am

disco, you are spot on. But the thing is that the truth or secrets will rear it;s sometimes ugly head at somepoint and it’s better for a person to find out from the source itself before someone comes asking you.

Lady~

March 16th, 2012
10:43 am

Indeed C!!!! can’t wait!

lolalee

March 16th, 2012
10:43 am

@Purple hmmm. think you hit close to home there. Maybe it ultimately was a maturity issue. Like I know I’m not the prettiest woman my man has been with, but so what? We choose each other now.
Guess my ex had a lot of issues, and some of those linger with me now.
THanks

Celisea

March 16th, 2012
10:46 am

Lady – I just read your email. So I’m not the only one a smart gal…lol

Lady~

March 16th, 2012
10:46 am

DEAD C!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! LOL ;)

Exiled!

March 16th, 2012
10:47 am

Celisea…I agree with u on 10:39 altho sometimes u mentally go back to that pounding that chic (guy)may have given u in the past..

Queen always talks about a road trip we took once back when we were dating and we didn’t come outta the hotel room All weekend long..Friday nite check in,satrday till Sunday afternoon when we left,,breakfast,lunch(if any) and dinner was room service. Some heavy knocking of the head board and Leggs splashing and ‘God daamn it’ exclamation points in that room ALl weekend Long.

Now,it could be any other man or woman on ur mind even when u already married. At least in bouts Not Always! :lol:

Lady~

March 16th, 2012
10:48 am

Uncle Ex is a fool but you and Queen hold on and make it do what it do sir!!!!!!!!!!!! ;)

Lady~

March 16th, 2012
10:49 am

We are going to Tennessee soon and I can’t wait!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Leggs

March 16th, 2012
10:49 am

That’s unfortunate, lolalee, that his issues are lingering with you. I don’t think many truly analyze the ramifications of their actions and the affects it has on their loved ones.

@disco ~ I believe in honesty in my relationship, but the past is the past and although I will share somethings, I’m not going to share it all and I suspect he’ll do the same. Like Purple/Celisea and others have said, a relationship is built on trust, but I do not for one minute believe couples tell each other everything.

SlimUno

March 16th, 2012
10:49 am

Ex – Why are you trying to push a crumthumper on me? Can’t folks just hump for enjoyment anymore? lol

lolalee

March 16th, 2012
10:51 am

Exiled so if you with your current person doing the do, is it wrong to be thinking about somebody else you were with in the past?
Anyway , if you think too much about that past person, you might end up saying the wrong name and THAT would really be bad. really bad.

Lady~

March 16th, 2012
10:52 am

do not for one minute believe couples tell each other everything.<<<<<<<<<<<Amen Leggs!

Celisea

March 16th, 2012
10:52 am

MMeelloo – And TO BE HONEST, I’ve been intimate with a man knowing no two persons are the same. That wasn’t important and who’s worrying about that AT THAT POINT anyway? LOL I’m digging this man and we’re jiving and IT’S ALL GOOD…in that moment. Like I said maturity and keeping good with what’s in the here and now.

Honestly, I know there’s someone much much prettier than me, more freaky than me, more money than me….but I’m not intimidated by any of that. If a man is with you, obviously he’s with you for you. If he’s not sweating the prettier, freakier, finer then why should you?

Purple

March 16th, 2012
10:52 am

lolalee, during this thing called marriage I have learned all sorts of new stuff about myself. I was told some things by the wife that really rubbed me the wrong way (not going into details here) but I actually thought to myself who in the hell did I marry. But then again I got happy that she was even comfortable enough to share it with me without fear of being judged. So I got over the stuff after a few days of struggling internally. But I guess it is a blessing to be totally open. I.E. no fear of sharing something you are not to proud of(you can talk about anything), no voicemail phone lock codes, sharing email and facebook passwords etc is a nice place to be. But I am sure some stuff is better yet unsaid. LOL

lolalee

March 16th, 2012
10:53 am

Leggs I’m working through, bit by bit. Purple just said it in a way that made me feel it. I’m good, but it was a lot of stuff for a very long time, so it takes a while to sort out.

Sassy Me..Juicy Fruit ;-)

March 16th, 2012
10:55 am

I grew suspicious, although he was still taking care of it at home.

:shock:

What?!?!?! You mean you suspected your man of pinch hittin for the other team and yu were still intimate with him??.

Lady~

March 16th, 2012
10:56 am

so agree bc I do not play this hide and seek game >no voicemail phone lock codes, sharing email and facebook passwords etc is a nice place to be.

lolalee

March 16th, 2012
10:56 am

@Purple I’m totally with the password share, phone is open, etc. Got no issue with that, and if he does, then he’s not the right one for me.

So did the stuff your wife shared help you? Was she on point and it made you think about it, or just off the mark? Sometimes some of that stuff is better received if it presented the right way and at the right time…

Celisea

March 16th, 2012
10:57 am

Leggs – I agree with you. I don’t think you should go in telling the past and really pulling back the covers but I think you should walk in honesty during the relationship…that’s what I’m talking about. Someting comes up, tell the truth. You’re asked a question, tell the truth. We are all consenting adults and make conscious decisions. So what you made a bad decision, as none of us are perfect and no relationship is….still tell the truth. I get there won’t be perfections hell, sometimes folks stray but I also get you ain’t getting beyond that by lying, still lying and hiding things.
That’s all I’m saying. If I strayed….well

disco

March 16th, 2012
10:58 am

purple – I agree. I’d much rather hear it from the source than hear it on the streets. I just think that folks are being really naïve if they truly expect full disclosure on all points. maybe it’s possible but i’m not buying into that theory.

Lady~

March 16th, 2012
10:58 am

I feel one can be an open book and secure with their past and forthcoming and still be true to their partner if they so chose not to tell everything………..growth and maturity with balance it all out I feel

Exiled!

March 16th, 2012
10:59 am

lolalee?

yes,if u are doing it u can’t be thinking about domebody else..otherwise it means u aren’t enjoying it!

I will excuse a thought only in moments of just lazying around,not even as a serious thought!

Make the most of the current relationship and work on it so it can be the best u want it to be.

U can’t worry nor waste thoughts on lost past stuff!

Lady~

March 16th, 2012
11:00 am

disco that is what my boo told me…he said I am telling you these things so you want get a brick up side your head when it told to you by someone else….he has a chatty family but its been very congruent and I am pleased with the outcomes

Lady~

March 16th, 2012
11:02 am

meant will balance it all out

Leggs

March 16th, 2012
11:02 am

“…it is a blessing to be totally open. I.E. no fear of sharing something you are not to proud of(you can talk about anything), no voicemail phone lock codes, sharing email and facebook passwords etc is a nice place to be. But I am sure some stuff is better yet unsaid. LOL” = That’s all I’m saying.

lolalee

March 16th, 2012
11:03 am

Growth and maturity will balance it all out.

Well put Lady! :)