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Should couples keep secrets?

When you have been together for a really long time, you begin to figure out what needs to be done to keep the peace in realtionships. A married couple once told me that sometimes total honesty has no place in a relationship! Obviously, you don’t want to hide the fact that you have another spouse or anything, but are there some secrets that couples should keep?

I always believed that I would marry my best friend. Someone I could share everything with, but I am starting to wonder if I am being naive. Why should a couple keep things from each other? What does it mean when it becomes a habit? How do you know what needs to be said, shared, or revealed versus what needs to be kept a secret?

Have you ever wished that you actually had less honesty in a relationship? Do you think that a couple that keeps secrets will eventually end up harming the relationship more than helping it?

By Wise Diva, Misadventures in Atlanta Dating Blog

289 comments Add your comment

Lily

March 16th, 2012
7:09 am

Diva Diva Diva….you are straight shooting this week. I think couples should have discretion between the two of them, I think couples should keep privacy between the two of them. If it’s something potentially dangerous or one of the two knows something that places them in harms way then no…not those sort of secrets. If keeping privacy will build a bond and make relations just that much more stronger and that much more special, absolutely. Nothing means more to me than having a man as a homie, lover, friend!

Lily

March 16th, 2012
7:17 am

There something quite special about a man, even as a friend only, that you can trust and can depend on. Something special knowing you can lean on then with information, or advice, with inner most thoughts and knowing they’ll take it to their grave all because of the bond of friendship.

Shay

March 16th, 2012
7:20 am

Good Opening post Miss Lily!

Lily

March 16th, 2012
7:24 am

Thanks Ms Shay!

Lily

March 16th, 2012
7:26 am

Sorry Shay….is that Miss or Ms?

Good day!

Lily

March 16th, 2012
7:26 am

Sorry Shay….is that Miss or Ms?

Good day!

CoolShadow

March 16th, 2012
7:29 am

Why should a couple keep things from each other?

Because it facilitates the successful execution of a surprise birthday one person may throw in the honor of the other. Everyone won’t be able to handle the truth about everything, so some things are best left unknown (e.g., your intimate encounter number). Also, it’s my belief that you never know everything about a partner about a partner and is frankly, unnecessary.

How do you know what needs to be said, shared, or revealed versus what needs to be kept a secret?

By observation of learning to trust your partner and their ability to know what to should be kept secret; some folks simply can’t hold water.

Have you ever wished that you actually had less honesty in a relationship?

Yes, especially in those situations where personal information was shared in moment where discretion was expected (and perhaps explicitly requested) and said information was either revealed later to others and/or thrown back in my face during an argument or disagreement.

Shay

March 16th, 2012
7:53 am

@Miss Lily- Either

nelson

March 16th, 2012
7:54 am

That is a great question. I really like it. The time for total, absolute, complete honesty is before marriage. Lay it all out there , so there is not even one tiny secret left. If after all is said and they still want to tie the knot, fine. Imagine harboring secrets from the spouse, like you were a hooker. This is stuff that can sink a union.
Well, enough said, “the truth shall set you free”.

Lady~

March 16th, 2012
8:10 am

Happy Fantastic Friday MIA!!!!!

hmmmmm let’s see now…..

Lady~

March 16th, 2012
8:11 am

Yes Lily I totally agree with your openings sis!!!!!!!!!

Lady~

March 16th, 2012
8:12 am

Also, it’s my belief that you never know everything about a partner about a partner and is frankly, unnecessary. <<<<<<<<<<CS I so agree sir!

Lady~

March 16th, 2012
8:12 am

Cool Shadow awesome post and great logic! Love It~

Blackfoote: The Real Blackfoote

March 16th, 2012
8:16 am

Nah I don’t need or want to know every single thing. I like my privacy at times, I figure she does too. I always let her use her own discretion if she have something she wants to trust me with. I have a few things that’s not relevant to her and I’ll keep them to myself, and she should do the same.

Good Morning:

Lady~

March 16th, 2012
8:17 am

I had the great opportunity of recently meeting my new boo’s parents and it went very well. His mother and I talked about many things and many family stories were shared. I felted really apart and his father gave insight too of their family and his son. Now do I know everything about him or them of course not somethings are best unsaid or over time will come to light. But I appreciate the respect I was given and laughter that was shared while getting to know all of them. And he doesn’t know every crack about me but has met my family and given the same respect and opportunity to continue to get to know on a deeper level.

Blackfoote: The Real Blackfoote

March 16th, 2012
8:20 am

Hey Lady:

Good for you, now y’all can concetrate on each other.

Lady~

March 16th, 2012
8:23 am

Mike P

March 16th, 2012
8:55 am

The notion of having a “best friend” in a mate is good in theory. People’s actions; however, say otherwise.

Leggs

March 16th, 2012
8:59 am

Good morning!

How do you know what needs to be said, shared, or revealed versus what needs to be kept a secret? If you’re an adult, you’ll know.

No, everything does not need to be shared in a relationship or even a marriage. Honesty and respect prevails, but every tidbit of your life doesn’t need to be shared. If there’s a big issue that would put one in a quandry, then talk it out.

@Lady ~ that is nice that! But sis, “And he doesn’t know every crack about me” = I would hope not at this stage (cracking myself up).

2CPTG

March 16th, 2012
8:59 am

Should couples keep secrets? Depends…..some things are meant to take to the grave!

btw, g’morning.

Lady~

March 16th, 2012
9:00 am

SlimUno

March 16th, 2012
9:03 am

Good morning everybody and TGIF Wooo hoooo hoooo! ;-)

Leggs

March 16th, 2012
9:19 am

Good to see you 2C. I agree, some things are meant to take to the grave.

disco

March 16th, 2012
9:20 am

good morning. my opinion – don’t EVER put ALL your cards on the table. folks used to say you never let your left hand know what your right hand’s doing.

Leggs

March 16th, 2012
9:22 am

I agree to a certain point disco, but when in a marriage, I’ll let my left hand know what my right hand is doing. I just won’t reveal all five fingers on any given hand.

Lady~

March 16th, 2012
9:24 am

chuckle leggs some married couples master that concept 9:22

Bill Clinton

March 16th, 2012
9:28 am

Honestly, Weird Diver, if you married your best friend you would be charged with bestiality.. No, Fool…You pick a chick who is most likely to advance your career..Even if she has elephant ankles..Secrets are necessary…Until they are exposed by a liberal press corp….Then you’re still covered…Rebound..Rebound..Rebound….That’s what makes me the bestest President ever…….All my love……Billy

Celisea

March 16th, 2012
9:28 am

Good morning,

Things prior to knowing one another, no…no point in dredging that stuff up. Things during the relationship? Depends with a mostly “yes.” I say depends because you have to know your partner. If that person is a person that can’t or won’t let it go or throws it back when angry, don’t tell. If you have someone that’s more forgiving and can work through without throwing it back up then an “almost” yes, tell it. I want open honestly. I’m thinking more in terms of how I would feel much more betrayed to find something out, as your SO that you didn’t tell more so and over you telling me yourself. And really unless it’s something (deed, act, etc) that you committed or engaged or did solely alone with no others nothing or being involved, you’re taking a huge risk, your secret is not guaranteed safe.

The main ones you think you can trust are the ones to disappoint the most.

Celisea

March 16th, 2012
9:28 am

What’s a marriage with secrets?

disco

March 16th, 2012
9:28 am

agreed leggs but adding all that to the cliché takes away from it. even having said that we can’t front like a lot of married folks don’t have their “just in case” funds/back up plans in place.

Celisea

March 16th, 2012
9:29 am

Exiled!

March 16th, 2012
9:33 am

I doubt even Diva tells her CURRENT man,at THAT time ‘everything’!

She’s a WOMAN!

Unless the question is being addressed to the man.

U can’t tell some females,for example,that they’re getting or have gotten fat. Unless u are ready to end the relationship!

So as a man,u just soldier on in unhappyiness,or seek an outlet.

When her thighs have grown so big that she struggles and pants heavily when trying to straddle u upstairs,and she takes No effort to mitigate that labor when u two are attempting luv making,:lol: what a man to do???

Just stay zip! :lol:

Or else,All he’ll breaks loose! :lok:

Keep it a secret people,sometimes!

Good morning!

:lol:

Friday!!!

Lady~

March 16th, 2012
9:34 am

agreed C you touched on this topic yesterday!

lolalee

March 16th, 2012
9:52 am

I’ve had some stuff told to me that I really wish I hadn’t heard. Ex had played for the other team for a minute, and I always wondered whether he really belonged there but was afraid to suit up. In the name of “honesty” I heard how unattractive I’d become. My reaction was to dig in, when if it had been approached differently, I would have resonded much more positively.

Discretion about what you share, definitely

Secrets to keep:

The number of lovers you’ve had
Whether your lover is the ‘biggest’ or the ‘best’
Your exit plan cash stash
The crush you have on anybody
Things you’re experienced in that might be too much for your SO to hear
Certain fantasies
If you look at your SO sometimes and think something negative (’getting fat’ “double chin’, etc)

abc

March 16th, 2012
9:55 am

Secrets are, in general, a bad thing. But, it goes back to the universal constant: chicks keep secrets, i.e. and ergo lies of omission, as a normal course of life. They might think it’s for the benefit of whatever, but in fact, it’s not. Don’t commit the acts that you have to lie about. Pretty simple.

Lady~

March 16th, 2012
9:55 am

love that list lolalee!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Exiled!

March 16th, 2012
9:58 am

lolalee!

good points!

so ex is now a full bonafied other team member or what?

that lovers number question ,even to a current girlfriend,not wife will get a man a serious and damaging tongue lashing.
Men,don’t go there! :lol:

Leggs

March 16th, 2012
9:59 am

You got it, disco. My child already knows to have a secret stash. Some may think it wrong, but she knows to have one and to never let her mate know where it is.

lolalee

March 16th, 2012
9:59 am

@abc Secrets aren’t only about things you’ve done. But hey, do you really want your woman telling you that you are NOT the best lover she’s had? Or you are NOT the biggest? What would be the point of “honesty” in that situation?

Thanks Lady :)

disco

March 16th, 2012
10:00 am

I think the fact that folks can come up with lists of “approved secrets” just confirms that folks are indeed keeping secrets. the person that says “my significant other and I don’t keep secrets from each other” is either just caught up in the romanticism of it all, is being played the fool or is just plain full of it.

SlimUno

March 16th, 2012
10:01 am

I know it’s early but have any of you been to Hilton Head? If so, any recommendations whether it be “adventures, food spots, night life spots etc”??

Lady~

March 16th, 2012
10:01 am

abc men keep secrets too but you know that ;)

lolalee

March 16th, 2012
10:01 am

@Exilied I suspect the ex is at spring training and hasn’t decided whether to join up. I think he’ll play on the low indefinitely.

Lady~

March 16th, 2012
10:03 am

good point too lolalee some stuff is just your own business. its neither here or there so why open up a can of worms….we are grown………..

Celisea

March 16th, 2012
10:06 am

Don’t commit the acts that you have to lie about

I agree here. I guess I don’t understand what building a relationship is all about if you plan to hold back. I don’t think it’s frivolous or silly to be of that mindset….of course that’s just my opinion. Sometimes if the crutch is not there to lean on, folks won’t have no other choice but to work it out.

Again, that’s just me and my little humble opinion

Hey there Lady :)

Lady~

March 16th, 2012
10:07 am

C I am referring to one’s past not current behavior in a relationship. That water under the bridge stuff…….some things just are relevant

Lady~

March 16th, 2012
10:08 am

meant are not relevant

Exiled!

March 16th, 2012
10:10 am

Slim?

what do u like doing..I’ll tell u if it’s there.

I got a spot there..just finished paying for it actully.

Beaching,water sports(jet skiing etc) golf,bike riding and trails,fishing,beac volleyball,boutique shopping,speciality food shops,country-red neck nite spots,swimming and scuba diving,etc

What’s ur email so I can frward u this newsletter I get often..?

@loalee

Exiled!

March 16th, 2012
10:12 am

@lolalee…so ur ex never gave anything away and u were never suspicious of anything?

What prompted the telling?

Celisea

March 16th, 2012
10:13 am

I got you lady. Like I said, whatever happened prior, no I’m not telling. What’s the point in that? Going in though, I’m not going do or behave in such a way that I gotta keep it under wraps.