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Tell your mate to lose weight?

Do you know what it’s like to be so caught up in a new romance that you sort of let things fall to the wayside? You get super comfortable being part of a couple and you don’t spend as much time primping, grooming, or uh…exercising.

That’s right a new couple is likely to pack on a few pounds being in love. It is usually something that gets rectified after a couple of weeks, but what happens when weeks turn in to months? Do you tell your partner that they have let themselves go too much?

It is a tough position to be in! You would not want to be the insensitive jerk that dumped someone you really liked over a couple of pounds. I know a lot of people who have a real fear of being in a relationship with someone who let themselves go. Does it mean we are too shallow?

How do you bring up the topic of extra pounds? What can you do if you don’t feel sexually attracted to them because of the weight gain?

Has this situation ever happened to you? What advice can you give for someone facing this relationship dilemma?

By Wise Diva, Misadventures in Atlanta Dating Blog

368 comments Add your comment

ken

February 29th, 2012
6:54 am

A person who will dump you for a few pounds of weight gain, would also dump you over an accident thd caused some dis-figuring scars, or a sudden medical condition that left you impaired. Learn to love the PERSON, not the APPEARANCE.

al

February 29th, 2012
7:19 am

I disagree with ken…the reason I would be disappointed (not necessarily dump) with my girlfriend/wife letting themselves go (gaining 20+ lbs) wouldn’t be their change in appearance. It would be the change in their behavior (eating/drinking more, eating less healthy, not exercising, etc) that led to their change in appearance. An accident or medical problem is something totally different.

I’m constantly surprised by people who work out in order to attract a mate and then once they find one, they stop doing the thing that attracted their mate in the first place.

Independent

February 29th, 2012
7:19 am

we are an obese society… cut the fast food diets.. fries.. carbs etc… yes exercise… walk or jog together.. and eat right.. its healthy.. your fat spouse won’t live long anyway… why does a single women get in shape.. make up.. look hot.. etc.. then let herself go when safely in a relationship ???

nelson

February 29th, 2012
7:24 am

That is a great question. I really like it. Gaining a significant amount of weight is showing disrespect for the mate. There is an old axiom, look at her mom and that is what she is going to look like. I have heard[now I do not know how true it is] that women gain weight so as to look unattractive to their husband] and he will lose his interest in her[for sex]. I have seen quite a few that have gone overboard to look unappealing.
You really have to look at the inner person. It could a warm, loving person way down there.

Lily

February 29th, 2012
7:27 am

Let’s watch all the abusive people come out today. Tsk tsk.

BTW Lily is NOT fat. Want to clear that up ahead of snide remarks.

Lady~

February 29th, 2012
7:38 am

Wow!!!! Good Morning MIA! ;) already looking forward to part 2 of this blog day! #chuckle

Lily

February 29th, 2012
7:45 am

Sometimes women let themselves go and sometimes not. A man expecting a woman to appear before him 20 or 30 years later the same exact way she looked as a young bride shows his level of maturity, hang ups and the need to grow up. All the face lifts, dieting, exercise regimens won’t stop aging. Don’t believe the plethora of commercials that say different. Embrace growing old gracefully. Nothing worse than a woman and more so a man that show an inability to keep moving with time.

I’m sure he’s changed over time as well, he doesn’t see though I’d guess. Funny how men will be the first to point out body flaws all the while looking past their big guts.

al

February 29th, 2012
7:59 am

Now to answer the Diva’s questions…I am in this situation. I’m 48 and have been married for 13 years. I’ve always been into athletics and being fit. I met my wife through athetics and had many conversations during the dating years about how important being fit was to me for various reasons including being healthy for each other, setting a good example for our kids (she had a kid from a previous marriage), etc. I let her know fitness was going to be an important part of my life forever and that I was looking for a partner that felt the same. When we got married I was 6′ 170 lbs and she was 5′ 7″ 135 lbs.

Since then, she has stopped doing all the things (going to the gym, running) she did that kept her fit. She is over 165 lbs. Meanwhile, I am in the gym 4-5 days a week and still 170 lbs. I still love my wife and don’t have any thought of leaving her. But I am not that sexually attracted to her at this point and I am not wild about the example she is setting for our middle school aged daughter.

I never bring up anything about weight with her. She has brought it up several times over the years and my answer is always the same. It’s not just about the number on the scale. It’s about being fit, being healthy for each other and for setting a good example for our kids. I wish she would get back to that place because it feels really good to feel so healthy as I approach the big 5-0.

SlimUno

February 29th, 2012
8:03 am

Good morning,

Um, I’m one of the slim one’s so I haven’t had to deal with a dude disgusted that i’ve gained weight. If anything, he’d be disgusted that I didn’t carry ENOUGH weight on me. I recently saw of picture of me taken at the end of 2009 and I definitely did have a more round face and a slight increase in weight on me but I had been laid off for 13 months. I’m guessing that was stress, depressed weight that I had which is not good either. As with many women, I do have a mini pooch that the beau talks about all the time but he claims he likes it…yeah whatever. I’m drinking muscle milk so hopefully that’ll help in packing on a few more pounds in conjunction with me working out.

Big girls don’t hate me, I was born this way>/em> ;-)

al

February 29th, 2012
8:07 am

I forgot a couple of other things…over the years my wife has complained about her back hurting, knees hurting, not sleeping well. Her doctor has reminder her that getting back into exercise can help with all of those things and that her back and knees probably hurt because she is carrying an extra 20+ pounds. My back and knees would hurt too if I strapped a 25-30 pound vest to myself every day.

SlimUno

February 29th, 2012
8:08 am

al – Have you ever just asked her to come to the gym with you since she’s gained weight?

al

February 29th, 2012
8:14 am

Good question…I have at different times over the years. The problem is that she seems to dislike it so much, she complains a lot of the time which impacts my workout and sucks the life out of it for me.

SlimUno

February 29th, 2012
8:19 am

Well, that’s where your patience have to come into play. If you’re already working out 4 to 5 times a week, it won’t hurt you to put in a little extra attention on getting her back in the groove. We all know that with working out, the hardest part is trying to get out of the gate, mentally convincing yourself that this is actually a good idea. So if you took some extra time to get her out of the running blocks then I’m positive that her complaining my dissipate and actually turn into a positive. Just a thought but only you know your wife and relationship.

David

February 29th, 2012
8:21 am

There is a difference between loving someone because of the inner beauty, but not being sexually attracted to that same person because they have gained a lot of weight. 10 lbs is not a big deal. But when you go to 15, 20, 30 on up, it becomes a problem. This goes for men and women. You can love someone, but have not sexually attracted to them. Sorry, it’s a fact of life. Those that come up with the old saying “You should love me, no matter how much weight I put on” are only partially right. Yes, I love you. But seeing you without your clothes on isn’t something that arouses me. Don’t be lazy and try to cling to that lazy saying, cause it isn’t true.

Wife

February 29th, 2012
8:31 am

ED aka erectile dyfunction will make you gain weight. Something has got to get you off.

al

February 29th, 2012
8:33 am

SlimUno – you are right on. I’m leaving out many details of things I have tried over the years due to time/space. Every time around New Year’s, we go through another attempt at me trying to work with her to get back into it. But with our and our kid’s busy lives, it’s just impossible to work out together more than once or twice a week. So she is going to need to be able to do it on her own. It really comes down to having that internal motivation to just do it or getting to the point of realizing that not working out (and the results that has) causes more pain than working out does.

al

February 29th, 2012
8:41 am

David – I don’t know about you but it isn’t even just about how she looks. It’s as much about how she feels when I give her a hug. I loved being able to easily wrap my arms around her when I gave her a hug. And I loved how she felt (firm, toned) when I gave her a hug. Now it just feels totally different.

Mr. Unknown

February 29th, 2012
8:41 am

Good Morning,
Hmmm, there is never a good way of telling a woman she is getting a little sloppy. I have deployed the “we” need to start working out babe or I’m getting lazy and need someone to push me. From there create a fun routine for us to do together.
I have found women don’t care when they voice their opinion that you are getting a little sloppy or fat. Lol! They will tell you to your face, tell your brother, leave hints like a gym membership on the kitchen counter. I wish women could handle criticism like men but thats not the world we live in.

Jeff

February 29th, 2012
9:03 am

Al, I’m sure somehow, this will be your fault. Just giving you a head’s up.

disco

February 29th, 2012
9:08 am

good morning. bet some “hit dogs will holler” on this topic today since weight is such a touch subject for some. I don’t really see anything wrong with being ready to cut someone loose because of weight gain. is it shallow? yep. would I do it? yep. I’m not one that’s nitpicking the pounds so much as how the pounds look on you. if you carry weight well then it’s all good. think about the difference between twenty pounds of brick and twenty pounds of cotton balls. it’s still 20 pounds but those cotton balls take up a lot more space.

hey slim/lady.

Lady~

February 29th, 2012
9:09 am

hey disco!!!!!!!!!

Lady~

February 29th, 2012
9:09 am

you are right too disco with your post!!!! ;)

Take it as it comes

February 29th, 2012
9:10 am

Weight gain makes a difference, if a chick’s weight goes up at the same speed as her sex drive it’s even worse. I wouldn’t expect my partner to want to have more sex with me if I gained 30 lbs of fat. Btw gals, sleeping naked is sexy at first, sleeping naked after you gained a lot of weight and are sex crazed, not sexy anymore. If a guy is gonna see ya naked all the time and your booty has gone from nice to fugly, the less we see you naked the better, it actually increases sex drive for some, not all.

Lady~

February 29th, 2012
9:10 am

if you carry weight well then it’s all good. think about the difference between twenty pounds of brick and twenty pounds of cotton balls. it’s still 20 pounds but those cotton balls take up a lot more space.<<<<Love this too!

disco

February 29th, 2012
9:18 am

size is also relative and people have their preferences. the media would have folks believe that men are into those little skinny/frail/pencil thin chicks but I don’t think that’s the reality. if so, there’s a whole bunch of men settling. I know plenty of thick girls that be getting it in and I know plenty of men that love big hips, big thighs, big butts. I remember hearing the phrase “nothing wants a bone but a dog and even a dog wants some meat”. also, I’m always tickled by “petite” men bragging on their fit 165/170/175 pounds or whatever. to each his own but I need/want a man with some weight backing him up.

Mr. Unknown

February 29th, 2012
9:23 am

I would date Jill Scott, Jill could get it. Jill went from big to skinny to somewhat big again but its about how she carries herself. Also the song crown royal helped her sexiness, I wonder if Jill was the size of Kelly Roland would she be triple platinum.

ThirdWheel

February 29th, 2012
9:25 am

What about the men and women who are already fat and they get fatter? Can you tell them to go to the gym? I just got out of a two year relationship and I gained over 70 pounds beause the guy that I was with kept feeding me like I was Hansel and Gretal. Things got out of control. I knew the day when I had a hard time getting up from the toilet that I needed to lose weight. So now I am in the gym trying to work it off. He is still getting bigger and bigger. I kick myself because I cannot belive I was ever with him. I will never date another overweight man again. Fat is not cute….

Celisea

February 29th, 2012
9:31 am

Morning,

Okaaaaay, where to start?

I, for one am not fat. I am though, that person that could care less what you think…to the point of hammering or belittling. Neither will I allow some man to work me over mentally because I’m not shaped or looking like a teenager 20 or 30 years past puberty. I’m going to take care of myself….for me. I’m not going to hop through hoops because you’re constantly in my ear. If anything, too much of that will get me to hand you a list of “to dos”….. But I LIKE looking descent so I don’t really need that as motivation.

Look at Demi and all the rest of the crackhead looking bunch so hung up and carried away with hanging back in a time that’s past.

Too, if you’re an avid “gym goer”, do you but don’t say I’m lazy because that’s not my thing. You have yours (thing) and I have mind. I’m a separate individual, I don’t have to have the same priorities as you.

SlimUno

February 29th, 2012
9:31 am

Mr. Unknown

February 29th, 2012
9:33 am

@ thirdwheel “I just got out of a two year relationship and I gained over 70 pounds beause the guy that I was with kept feeding me like I was Hansel and Gretal.” You are big because he made you eat? Im confused? You are the only person that controls you.

Celisea

February 29th, 2012
9:33 am

Thirdwheel – I REALLY hope this doesn’t come off as mean but dear you gained weight because you kept eating. Take ownership. No one can make you gain weight. Good, your ex was feeding you. I’d say you probably should have made better selections and choices.

Celisea

February 29th, 2012
9:34 am

mine not mind

Leggs

February 29th, 2012
9:37 am

Good morning.

This has never happened to me, but if my mate were to pack on the pounds, I wouldn’t sit back and say nothing. I would tell him in a nice way even suggesting we exercise together.

Celisea

February 29th, 2012
9:41 am

Some of these dudes though are the main ones losing hair, big bellies, breathing loud…that will tell or suggest or comment.

My brother was always a “big un” and he liked nothing but the really skinny petite chicks. Chile please.

czBrat

February 29th, 2012
9:47 am

wow. good discussion today (again). i’m totally feeling for you, al. you clearly want what’s best for your wife …. for her own health and the health of your marriage. if you can only get one or two workouts in together, then do that. eventually she will get back in the swing of activity and start adding another day or two each week on her own. i’m sorry if this has already been asked/answered but is she comfortable with herself at her new weight?

i hurt my back about a year into this relationship. that put an end to my daily yoga, and it took me about another year of hit and miss activities to really find something else i could do and enjoy. in that time i put on almost 15 lbs. :mad: anywho, s/o has never been any less than supportive and physically attracted to me throughout. he’s a real gym rat, so we’ve done a few workouts together and he’s offered up a lot of guidance to help me stay on track.

bottom line … my back is better and my yoga is on again. plus i’ve taken up running. his plan for the coming year is to slowly integrate these activities into his routine so that he can improve his endurance and flexibility right along with his strength training. and it gives us that much more in common. :)

if the sneaker was on the other foot, i’d start some subtle changes (cooking lite, walking together after meals, etc.) just to let him know that it’s important to me that he not get comfortable with letting himself go.

HiYas!

disco

February 29th, 2012
9:50 am

celisea – did you just clown your brother? too funny. both of my brothers are on the frail side but you can’t tell them nothing. they both think quite highly of themselves and their little bird chests. as to my size being relative point – generally my family consists of smaller people. in my family I’m considered the “fat one” even though I’m a size 10. I don’t know what “average” is considered today but I know a 10 isn’t huge. they talk about me like a dog though. in general population, I’m smaller than most of my friends/acquaintances/co-workers/neighbors. I’ve got a friend who comes from a family of “bigger” people. she once clowned that my cousins and I looked like we were on our way to a skeleton convention.

disco

February 29th, 2012
9:52 am

by the way – happy last day of February!!! I’ve been waiting for it. this month seemed long as heck.

ThirdWheel

February 29th, 2012
9:56 am

I do blame myself as well but he helped. His eating habits are horrible and I knew better than to eat some of that stuff that he was eating. But when you are in love and in the honeymoon phase then you sort of just lose yourself…Never again….

Lady~

February 29th, 2012
9:57 am

march will be just as long! bracing myself now! Although February was long it was good to me! ;)

Celisea

February 29th, 2012
9:57 am

disco – We didn’t have to…my mom did…lol She would hand it to him straight. All my sibs are fat. Have been fat for the last 20 years or so.

I generally buy into the theory that as your parents turned out more than likely and genetically that’s what you have to look forward to. Again, I’m not skinny but I’m not fat like all the rest of them. My sisters were coke bottle shaped/thick back in the day. Now stuff just moved like amoeba…it’s everywhere with no definition.

I have put on about 10 pounds away from the ideal weight/goal I’d reached a couple of years back. Yes, I need to walk/trot just a little :)

Celisea

February 29th, 2012
10:00 am

ThirdWheel – Own it lady and quite blaming him. Maybe this will help. that 70 pounds you put on is sitting on you. Half or 35 of that weight didn’t jump off you and hop on him. I don’t mean to sound mean but I cna’t believe you really believe someone else is to blame. Even when people do fail because of there surroundings are environment (say folks eating any and everything while you’re trying to do better), it’s still your fault.

Celisea

February 29th, 2012
10:00 am

and environment not are

Celisea

February 29th, 2012
10:02 am

I say just find something to do…walking, running, change in eating habits to reverse. Find a means to turn things around :) Honey don’t feel bad, most can stand to lose a few pounds. Like Nike…just do it :)

Lady~

February 29th, 2012
10:03 am

indeed C!!! 10:02!!!!

al

February 29th, 2012
10:04 am

CzBrat – First of all, thanks for recognizing that for me this is not just a shallowness/appearance issue. To answer your question, she is not comfortable with her weight/size/body composition/enduranace/fitness level at this point. And she sees and has commented how my body has positively changed since I started incorporating weight training into my routine. So she definitely is not oblivious to the relationship between working at staying fit and the results that you get. But if any of you watch the Biggest Loser this season (theme – No Excuses), she can break out every excuse there is…no time, too hot outside, too cold outside, can’t do it without a trainer, etc.

SlimNu

February 29th, 2012
10:05 am

3rd Wheel left out the fact that ole boy used to lock her in the closet and wouldn’t let her out until she ate every last bite…see now it all makes sense. Lol

My ex started putting on that gut weight after a few years and I would slap his belly and ask him when the baby was due…that approach didn’t work :(

disco

February 29th, 2012
10:07 am

celisea – my mom has six sisters. none of them are big girls but my mother is one of the smaller ones at only 5 feet tall. one of her sisters is only like 4’10” and some are as tall as 5’7”. still none of them pack much weight. my mother missed out on the big bootie gene that half of the sisters lucked up on (thank the maker I got that gene).

slim – I’ve told a guy or two that if it ever got to the point that they couldn’t look down and see their own manhood it’s a wrap.

ThirdWheel

February 29th, 2012
10:09 am

@Celisea You are being a bit harsh. I do blame myself but, if he wasn’t in the picture then the weight would have never been gained. Also I am in the gym everyday burning it off. I put that fact in my first post. What happened to the fun people on this blog?? Gezzz.. Thanks for the laugh @SlimNU LOL

Mr. Unknown

February 29th, 2012
10:10 am

Thirdwheel – Glad that you are back on your grind. Its a hard process getting healthy again. The process will be alot better and easier when you let that baggage go. I lost 35 pounds and quit smoking last year by changing the crowd I hung around and making better decisions when eating. Good luck to ya!

Im out be easy.

al

February 29th, 2012
10:11 am

One more note…I am very capable of gaining weight if I stop working out and stop eating healthy. I sprained my ankle pretty badly 3-4 years ago and had to lay off most strenuous exercise for 2-3 months. During that time, I also got into some bad eating habits and got up to 190lbs. So while I probably do have decent genetics, I also learned the behavior that my parents taught me by all the sports they played and continue to play (parents are 75 and 70 and still play league tennis, take 15 mile bike rides, etc). But as I learned when I was injured, bad habits can overcome good genetics every time.