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Do I have to take your name?

It is highly likely that an engaged couple will be faced with the name change issue. There was a time when this didn’t really come up because it was understood that a woman would automatically take her husband’s last name.

I know a lot of guys who are literally offended by the very idea of a woman not using his name (no hyphenating) and the common response is: If she is wearing “my ring” she will have no choice but to take my name. Apparently, the ring and the name are a package deal?

Everyone is different and you have to do what works best for you, but I wonder if men still assume that the women they plan to marry has to take their name. Is it still expected?

Ladies have you ever brought up the discussion with the guys that you date? Do you think that the type of men you date would lean toward one way or the other?

Guys, what would you do if your fiancee informed you that she wanted to use her own name after you marry? Would it matter to you if her reasons were business or personal?

By Wise Diva, Misadventures in Atlanta Dating Blog

269 comments Add your comment

Lily

February 28th, 2012
7:28 am

I’d take his name :)

SlimUno

February 28th, 2012
8:02 am

Good morning,

I have no issue taking my mans last name or his ring. ;-)

SlimUno

February 28th, 2012
8:03 am

Morning,

I’d have no issue taking the beau’s last name or his ring

Lady~

February 28th, 2012
8:17 am

Good Morning!!!! ;)

1st go round I did the hyphen thing but second go round I will gladly drop all last names and be Lady _______ happily! You live ans learn~

Brittany

February 28th, 2012
8:19 am

I think it’s incredibly rude for a man to demand that his fiancee take his name. Just because a woman wants to keep her own name, doesn’t mean she loves him any less. I plan on hyphenating my own name. I have no brothers so there isn’t anyone to carry on our name in the family, so who says that I can’t do it? It’s no cause to get offended, the couple just needs to communicate and the man should try to understand her decision.

Jeff

February 28th, 2012
8:22 am

Let me see if I get this right…….

You’ll take my ring.
You won’t take my name.
Maybe not give our kids my name.
Have rights to half my money.
A 70% chance you’ll file divorce.
And expect me to pay child support and possibly alimony
???.?.?.?.?.?

No thanks.

SlimUno

February 28th, 2012
8:24 am

Excuse the double posts…had some technical difficulties this morning.

Audra

February 28th, 2012
8:40 am

A man getting offended by that is just caveman stuff. Marriage is not ownership. When I was married I chose to take his name. I had just started a new career and no one new my maiden name, so it worked out, and now I am known by his last name professionally even though we divorced. But I can guarantee you that if I had been known in the work world by my maiden name, I would’ve kept it. The ex was fine either way. He didn’t have to mark me as “his property.”

And, Jeff, yes, what you are talking about is unfair. But it’s not really related to the name change issue. And don’t marry some shallow wench who only wants your money anyway! That’s how you end up in that situation! Oh wait….generally those kind of women are the most prone to want to take your name. Coincidence???

What I’m saying is, a strong independent woman is more likely to not be obsessed with taking your money and your stuff if/when you split up. She has her own. That’s def how it was with my divorce – he kept everything we acquired together. Something to think about before you demonize a woman who values herself as a person, not just as property.

LeeH1

February 28th, 2012
8:46 am

My wifeand I amrried after we were both 40, and had established our careers. Of course my wife kept her maiden name, as that was the one on her cartificates, diplomas and licenses. Also, she has a large number of friends and career contacts that know her by her name.

Now that we are facing retirement and moving to a new city, she will finally take my family name.

The only area where we would have disagreed would have been if we had children. But since we never did, the issue didn’t come up as an issue. I would have wanted everyone in the family to have the same family name.

I had been in a marriage earlier with a divorced woman who had a child. She kept her mainden name. Her child kept her father’s family name. I kept my family name. It was three families living together, and was frequently awkward. While none of this was why we divorced, it is indicative of the fact we could never really unite as a family on our own. We were always pulled in other directions, instead of being pulled together.

Jeff

February 28th, 2012
9:04 am

Audra, interesting how you’re willing to brush off what is unfair toward men, but be so vigilant about the things we need to change. You might want to try a different label besides things like dark ages, Neanderthal and knuckle dragger, they’ve long since gotten old.

KaiserSoze

February 28th, 2012
9:05 am

It’s just a name. My fiancee is in the medical profession with a long list of patients that have known her by her maiden name for many years – so changing it would potentially lead to confusion.

We discussed it and I told her I don’t care if she changes her name, hyphenates it, or leaves it as is. Her last name will certainly not change who she is or how we feel about one another. It’s her choice and a name change would affect her only – it has no bearing on me in any way. We’re not going to have any children – we both have kids from our prior marriages – so I see no reason to even want her to change. Sure there will be the occasional ‘awkward’ social moment of “Mr. and Dr. Soze”, but we’re both confident enough in our relationship and ourselves we can just let the common surname be a social thing but not an official thing.

disco

February 28th, 2012
9:06 am

good morning y’all. I did have the conversation with an S/O before. we were discussing the future and I stated that if we married I’d keep my name. he wasn’t really feeling it and felt that his wife should have his name. I pointed out that his ex-wife did have his name. twenty years ago I would have thought it romantic/exciting to take a guys name. now it’s not that real. My name and I go way back and I’m not overly eager to give it up.

speaking on names – pet peeve – unmarried women who give their children the father’s last name. I know it’s common and it’s an individual choice but it just irritates me. even more so is when women name there son’s so and so, jr. I think a lot of guys get a kick out of that jr.

Celisea

February 28th, 2012
9:10 am

I’m not understanding the issue here. Would a woman feel like she’s losing her identity in taking the man’s last name? I thought it was a merger becoming one? One but two last names. Really it’s neither here nor there to me but for me personally, I’d go with his last name. IMO merging a life together encompasses everything. IMO, wanting to be independant in one area but wanting him to take the lead in other areas don’t quite mesh.

Of course, just my opinion and my thoughts :)

Morning…….

Lolalee

February 28th, 2012
9:19 am

On a related topic, it irritates me when a woman gets divorced and keeps using her ex husband’s name. She is no longer married to him! If he marries again, then there are two women with his name, but only one of whom is married to him.

I took my husband’s name but reverted to my maiden name when I got divorced. Yes, I had a career with his name, but I rebranded myself over time and I don’t think I’ve lost connections (but guess I wouldn’t know if I had). Now that I’m considering marrying again, I doubt very much that I’ll change my name. But I guess if he felt strongly about it I’d consider taking his name.

ABC

February 28th, 2012
9:20 am

Married over 10 years and didn’t take his name. It was not an issue; I always knew I would never change my name and my husband could not have cared less. Our child has his last name, no hyphens, but my last name is the kid’s middle name. I respect ladies who do, but to me personally it’s an old-fashioned and very antiquated tradition that comes from the time when women were thought of as property. And while we’re at it, a maiden name almost always comes from one’s father, so a woman carries a last name from a man no matter what.

Lolalee

February 28th, 2012
9:21 am

(and does it matter if you “like” his name? If it’s a name you have to spell out every time you say it, or one with some strong national identity, or one you just don’t like?)

PaulDoe

February 28th, 2012
9:25 am

ABC @ 9:20 am
Re: “…to me personally it’s an old-fashioned and very antiquated tradition that comes from the time when women were thought of as property.”

The concept of men paying for dates is also an “old-fashioned and very antiquated tradition that comes from the time when women were thought of as property”. Why is still being carried on? :-)

M. (pronouced M dot)

February 28th, 2012
9:30 am

Good day.

If someone does not want to take the name, why are yall even getting married? You two may be better off not being married if you are not going in 100%.

@audra

“What I’m saying is, a strong independent woman is more likely to not be obsessed with taking your money and your stuff if/when you split up.”

So you are saying if a woman is getting divorced and the judge offers her half of his stuff in court that she is going to turn it down? If so, I have a Ocean I want to sell you in Atlanta ;)

disco

February 28th, 2012
9:42 am

lolalee – ditto. I know women who divorced, kept their married name and ultimately had another child that ended up taking on the “married name” of a man that wasn’t the child’s father. I will say that identity issues are a mutha.

mdot – I’m not that chick that’s going into it seeking half but I won’t turn it down if it’s offered to me. I previously mentioned I’m a yours/mine/ours type. I don’t take issue with pre-nups. I’m not the one that will be whining “if you loved me you wouldn’t ask me to sign it”. I think more practically than romantically. if a split does happen (and let’s face it, there’s a shot), it doesn’t hurt to have a plan in place.

M. (pronouced M dot)

February 28th, 2012
9:48 am

@disco

Exactly and I am sure in divorce court, its not the most pleasant place where people are thinking about their former SO. I am sure the gloves are off and people are going for blood. If that was not the case, they wouldnt need an attorney.

They would just be like Angela Bassett in the scene from whats love got to do with it when she was in court and said she doesnt want any of this..just her name. But I know this wont happen in real life and today society.

PaulDoe

February 28th, 2012
9:50 am

@audra

Re: “And don’t marry some shallow wench who only wants your money anyway! That’s how you end up in that situation!”

Do people have their future intentions written on their faces? LOL

ABC

February 28th, 2012
9:51 am

@PaulDoe, I have no idea why men still pay for dates. I would think whoever does the asking out should at least offer to pay (applies to ladies too), or you should split the bill, which makes more sense to me.

Lolalee

February 28th, 2012
9:52 am

@disco
Ohhh the prenup question. Don’t know how I feel about that one. It is practical, no doubt, but on some level I think it leaves open the possibility of divorce in a way that makes it easier to move in that direction. It’s almost like by signing that document both people say “hey, I’ve already thought of Plan B in case this doesn’t work” rather than saying “we are we forever.” It’s not that I think of it in romantic terms, but that it just seems to plan a seed that isn’t going to bear good fruit.

But I still don’t know how I feel about it. Does it make a difference if the two people come into the marriage with vastly different financial situations?

ABC

February 28th, 2012
9:53 am

@Mdot, not taking your husband’s last name does not mean you are not in 100%, and this is exactly the kind of mentality that needs to change. In some parts of the world, the default is that the woman keeps her maiden name for life regardless of marital status. She is free to change it as well. It should be an individual choice and have no bearing on how committed one is to the marriage.

PaulDoe

February 28th, 2012
9:58 am

@ABC.

I agree, but in my experience I can count on one hand how many women even offered to pay their share on dates. Many even ask men out and almost always expect men to pay the whole thing. They are shocked at the mere mention of splitting the bill. Strange, but true.

Things like this turn me off dating… :-)

disco

February 28th, 2012
10:01 am

lolalee – a lot of people view pre-nups that way. to each his own but I’m all for them. I look at it as insurance. look at all the insurance you pay for “just in case ish happens” (as chris rock says). romanticism aside – I’m sure not very many folks say I do anticipating the day when they no longer do. still, doesn’t hurt to have a little insurance for just in case. sometimes the pre-nup isn’t the issue so much as the will. marriages don’t always end in divorce, sometimes they end in death. I’ve heard of some nasty battles re heirlooms etc. falling into the wrong hands not because of a pre-nup but because a party died without a will. in my opinion, it’s all about having your affairs in order.

Fion

February 28th, 2012
10:01 am

“Apparently, the ring and the name are a package deal?”

Wow! I’ll just say this, It’s waaaaaaaay more than just a name. In giving you his name the “MAN’ is acknowledging responsibility for you.
That’s right “Responsibility”. The acknowledgement of responsibility not only to you, but your family and the rest of the known World.

Lady~

February 28th, 2012
10:02 am

I kept my married name bc #1 I could legally its my choice and # 2 bc I had his child while married and again its legal and who cares why I kept it but when I remarry it will gladly be dropped ;)

I don’t care if he remarries and two women share his last name that is water under the bridge…..

Audra

February 28th, 2012
10:05 am

To Jeff, PaulDoe, and M. – No, it is not easy to tell what someone’s intentions are and no I don’t mean to brush off what is unfair to men. I’m just saying take responsibility for the choices you make. It’s like a woman who is always complaining that men are evil, but she always picks the bad guy! Don’t be that guy that always picks the trophy and then wonders why she effs him over.

And as far as divorce court and turning down half? We didn’t even get that far because we worked it out between us, uncontested, and have honored our self-designed settlement agreement. It is possible to be decent in these things…

M. (pronouced M dot)

February 28th, 2012
10:06 am

@ABC

I see what you are saying but what I am saying is that a lot of things that are going on are not really the traditional foundations of marriages. Should we just rewrite the traditional values?

There are so many things that I am hearing about that just have marriage spray painted over them but really arent marriage.

Have you guys heard about the trend sexless marriages? I guess they are supposed to help people bond more on a metaphysical level.

johnny too good

February 28th, 2012
10:08 am

a woman not taking the man’s name is disrespectful to the family. Its tradition. Why wouldnt a woman wanna take her husband’s name. Does she still want to be an individual?

It seems like alot of people like to pick and choose which principals/traditions of marriages to follow…. well what if a man decides that he doesnt wanna follow traditon such as seeing other women or not coming home every night?

just my two cents, throw those 2 pennies out the window or add em to your savings account

M. (pronouced M dot)

February 28th, 2012
10:08 am

My friend stated that she would drop her middle name and take on her last name as her middle name and take his last name. Isnt that hyphenating without the hyphen? 0_0

Kindeya

February 28th, 2012
10:08 am

If ever given the opportunity…. I would take his name

Fion

February 28th, 2012
10:09 am

@Celisea

Lawd!!! Lawd!!! It’s a sure sign of the apocalypse. I agree with your 9:10 post. I’ve got to go now and stock up on canned Tuna and Bottle water.

M. (pronouced M dot)

February 28th, 2012
10:11 am

@Audra

“Don’t be that guy that always picks the trophy and then wonders why she effs him over. ”

How does a woman being a trophy automatically equate to her effing him over? Are you saying more attractive women are more prone to screw over the guys they are with versus average and below average women?

Lady~

February 28th, 2012
10:11 am

yes M. that is what I did dropped my middle and my last name was hyphen off

Exiled!

February 28th, 2012
10:12 am

Disco?

Ha?
Unmarried mothers giving their kids the father’s name(last?)

What’s strange about that..is that not the right thing to do?

Lady~

February 28th, 2012
10:12 am

I can say for my own personal reasons that was a mistake and I vow not to ever do that again.

Audra

February 28th, 2012
10:14 am

Yes, we can redefine the traditions of marriage as we want. We have free will. It’s whatever works for that particular couple. If you don’t like it, don’t have a “modern” marriage.

And btw, “it’s tradition” is not a good argument. Does that make it right? A lot of things have been tradition and a lot were wrong. And whoever said that it’s disrespectful to the man’s family – that cracks me up, by that logic is it not disrespectful to the woman and her family for her to take his name? :)

Lady~

February 28th, 2012
10:14 am

@C>>>>>> I thought it was a merger becoming one? <<<<<It is and for me it was apart of the downward demise of me, I, we, us, ours………..and being immature too! you live and learn~ ;)

disco

February 28th, 2012
10:14 am

Johnny – that’s just it. everyone’s traditions aren’t going to be the same. that’s part of the key to marriage – finding someone whose traditions are in line with your traditions.

ex – don’t crack jokes.

Exiled!

February 28th, 2012
10:15 am

If she wants to keep her last name then she needs to Marty het father!

Period dot done

This is not an issue fir real men.

Abd guys?!, u set the tone of ur marriage in the beginning.

U let her maintain her name..she will be wearing the pants in that marriage!

Watch! :lol:

Or good morning blogsville!

Audra

February 28th, 2012
10:15 am

“well what if a man decides that he doesnt wanna follow traditon such as seeing other women or not coming home every night?”

That’s not a tradition, it’s ethical behavior..

Tebow > Ryan

February 28th, 2012
10:17 am

Take his name then take his money in the divorce.

Purple

February 28th, 2012
10:17 am

ABC, did your mother take your fathers last name? What role did your father play in your household growing up? Who’s last name do you have your mothers or your fathers?

M. (pronouced M dot)

February 28th, 2012
10:19 am

@Audra

“Yes, we can redefine the traditions of marriage as we want. We have free will. It’s whatever works for that particular couple. If you don’t like it, don’t have a “modern” marriage.”

So why get married then? For the ring, ceremony, dried out chicken, string beans, mashed potatoes, over sweetened wedding cake, sweet tea electric slide and, to show off for your friends for a day?

Purple

February 28th, 2012
10:21 am

M.’s 10:19 is on point

Audra

February 28th, 2012
10:23 am

M. – Because you love each other and want to spend your lives together. Is there any other reason?? Marriage is not and was never about those traditions anyway…it’s about a relationship and a commitment between two people.

Exiled!

February 28th, 2012
10:24 am

Marry her father

Sassy Me...PYT ;-)

February 28th, 2012
10:25 am

This is interesting…I just had a cousin get married this month and she’s hyphenating her last name and the hubby has no qualms about it. I’ve always felt that if I were to ever marry, I’d definitely want to hyphenate mine as well…I like the way it looks and sounds…don’t judge me :-) That being said, I’ve had this discussion with several males who didn’t really care for it, but I’d always ask, “What’s wrong with having two last names?”. She’ll still have your last name…right?

Audra

February 28th, 2012
10:25 am

Which is why whatever works for that couple is what’s really important. How many “traditional” marriages fail? I think you’d find that’s it’s quite a few. So the ring and the name don’t really guarantee or solidify anything either. Again, it’s the love and commitment between two people.

Leggs

February 28th, 2012
10:28 am

Good morning. I already need a drank (no isht)…

I have no problem taking a man’s last name. I look at it like woman was created from Adam’s rib and taking his last name is a further extension to the commitment of matrimony. I realize in modern times, a lot of women will hypenate, and going through a divorce restoring my maiden, I understand they hypenation. I was thankful that I had the wherwithal to put it in my divorce decree and have to go through the rigamor of restoring it after the divorce was finalized.

I don’t understand women who keeps their ex’s last name after a divorce. I never truly liked my last name until I no longer used it. When I restored it with the courts, I fell in love with my last name. I was told to keep his name so my child wouldn’t have an identity crisis, What??? All her friends call me by my married name simply because mine seems too difficult for them to say (lol).

Purple

February 28th, 2012
10:28 am

Committed enough not to change her last name?

LOL, I never thought about me getting married and her not taking my last name. We are both giving up something she is giving up her last name and I am giving her trust that she won’t tarnish the name that I am giving her. Honestly i would not fully trust a woman who would not change her last name. Everyone that lives under our roof will have the same last name.

Exiled!

February 28th, 2012
10:28 am

Audra..marriage is about extending family traditions and keeping the genealogy on going!

Well,until the gays and lesbians came on board and ‘disrputed’ and corrupted the minds of some.

For us normal men and some women,it (marriage) is about continuing on that family trajectory.

Now some of u women libs wish u had d-ycks.

Good luck with that! :lol:

M. (pronouced M dot)

February 28th, 2012
10:30 am

@Audra
My friend was saying that her pastor at her church actually wont marry a couple that doesnt take the man’s last name. Thoughts?

@Audra

So it seems like you want a renegade marriage lol. What are the rules to that:

Does the husband have to come home at night? Or is it what works for him?

Purple

February 28th, 2012
10:30 am

Those are old stats, now more people have been staying married than those that are getting divorced….and it’s not due to the recession

Rebecca

February 28th, 2012
10:31 am

The first time I took the man’s name. But the Social Security Office was so uncooperative- 3 visits, 18 hours, 2 states, and an obstruction of court order suit threat before I could get my maiden name back.

The second husband said that he knew I loved him and didn’t care what I changed my name to or if I ever changed it. If I could change my name and NOT have to deal with the Social Security folks, I would have changed my name the day I remarried.

Exiled!

February 28th, 2012
10:37 am

‘Everyone that lives under our roof will have the same last name’

Eloquently put Purple!

cba

February 28th, 2012
10:42 am

Ok Celisea, second day in a row, I’m nodding my head @ your 9:10

Audra

February 28th, 2012
10:46 am

Again, M. him coming home at night is not part of the “rules,” it’s ethical behavior in ANY relationship.

And Exiled, funny how you have to resort to personal attacks. I by no means feel I need a you-know-what. Why are you so threatened by someone who thinks differently than you?

And as for the pastor who won’t marry people when the wife won’t take the last name? Silly. But, you know what? That’s his belief and I wouldn’t get married there but some would, and if that works for them, then SO BE IT!

Gosh, the anger on here…

M. (pronouced M dot)

February 28th, 2012
10:46 am

I really don’t get it lol first they were saying the women weren’t getting married. Now guys are stepping up to the plate and trying to do the right thing then they are running into these women who dont want their last names, dont want to be in traditional marriages, etc.

Do these women even want to be married for real? I doubt it. I think most of them want the perks and benefits of being married but they dont want to be 100%. I think you are either in or you are out. Plain and simple.

Audra

February 28th, 2012
10:50 am

Why does in or out include taking his name? I know plenty of couples who aren’t like that and they’re doing great…

Fion

February 28th, 2012
10:52 am

@M.
Hey dude, you making way to much sense. You gonna have to stop..

Mike P

February 28th, 2012
10:53 am

@Audra: for men, marriage has very little to do with Love, or being in a loving relationship. Marriage is about staking a permanent claim over a women (telling the world to back-off, she mine now!!), taking possession, building, protecting, and providing for the family unit as head of household. When you don’t take our name is very disrespectful to us. Why get married at all if you can’t submit to him on a simple level like taking the man’s name as an honor.

Leggs

February 28th, 2012
10:57 am

“as an honor”… (yep).

i'm swiss

February 28th, 2012
10:58 am

Morning folks.

On topic: Eh… whatever. I personally don’t think it’s that big a deal either way. Mrs. Swiss took my last name and uses her maiden name as her middle name. I didn’t ask her to, or try to persuade her one way or the other, but I will say that I thought it was a nice, respectful gesture for her to take my last name. It wouldn’t have been a big deal to me if she didn’t, but I appreciate that she did.

I will say that if a woman is dead set against taking a man’s name, yet doesn’t understand why she isn’t married yet, the answer might just be staring her in the face. It’s important to a lot of guys, so if a woman refuse to do it, she is definitely narrowing her prospects.

Purple

February 28th, 2012
10:58 am

Mike P, I agree with you. Now watch someone get mad because you said “submit”

A marriage is not 50-50 a man holds more responsibility, the least a woman can do is take on his name. I think a woamn who does not may have committment issues rooted deeply that maybe she even doesn’t know about.
Once again, those in favor of keeping their lastname instead of their husbands….I ask did your mother take your fathers name? Was your mother even married to your father at any point to get his lastname? If not that is a whole other set of issues…….

PaulDoe

February 28th, 2012
10:59 am

@Fion. I agree LOL

Yes, @M, stop it!

Sassy Me...PYT ;-)

February 28th, 2012
11:02 am

Good morning. I already need a drank (no isht)…

Hang in there Leggs….you want white or dark? :lol:

Swiss…exactly. Each couple will do what’s best for them, regardless of popular (or not) opinion. To each his/her own…the end.

kimmie - the original :)

February 28th, 2012
11:03 am

Morning All!

What a lively discussion! Here is how I, we, handled this situation in my recent marriage.

My husband said he is a tradionalist, but being that we were older and established and didn’t plan on having kids together, he would respect any decision I made about it. That told me that he would be honored if I took his name, but he was not forcing me.

When he & I met, I had him & his kids to call me by my middle name, which is what I always wanted. I love my middle name and it was given to me by my father. Everyone else, including professionally, knows me as Kim or Kimberly though. Now my maiden name – that means a lot to me. My family is very respected here and other places and, like husband said, I’ve gone this long using it and establishing it.

I finally thought long and hard and made my decision. I dropped my middle name, use my maiden as the middle and took husbands last name. He and his family still call me by my old middle name which is fine. No hyphens(no M dot, not the same thing).He seemed quite pleased when I told him what I was going to do. It has been a pain going about all the changing with bank accounts and other accounts and such. Social Security was a breeze though. The only major place I have not made the changes yet is at work, which I will be doing after I get my yearly bonus in a few weeks. I don’t want ANY issues with that. Then I will tackle that, which will be a pain with dealing with passwords and such, but got to do it.

Exiled!

February 28th, 2012
11:04 am

Audra?

I am sorry if u think I was attacking U.

This strong Colombian coffee I drink makes me come outta the gate with sharp horns ready to lock in.

M. (pronouced M dot)

February 28th, 2012
11:05 am

@Purple

Do you think that is one of the reasons why guys don’t feel like the leaders in the marriage? I know it is just a last name, but what about the psychological effects? Maybe some guys only feel like partial leaders since their wife only partially has his last name?

Here is an idea, if the women want to have the hyphenated last names, why don’t the guy just give 50% to the marriage, I mean they probably don’t feel 100% married anyways? If we are all in go all in, if we are partial then just do a partial amount?

kimmie - the original :)

February 28th, 2012
11:06 am

Thinking back, my mom did the same thing – used her maiden as her middle and took my dads last name.

Purple

February 28th, 2012
11:09 am

M., good point I bet a man would not feel fully responsible if she kept her name or hyphenated it. Very Good point.

50-50 marriage if something goes bump in the night that means sometimes she has to go check it out. LOL

Audra

February 28th, 2012
11:09 am

Purple, that is none of your business. And for Mike P. and the others, wow! I cannot believe you really think that, that marriage is about ownership, etc. Or that the man has more responsibility. In my experience it is sometimes 80/20 one way, sometimes 60/40 the other but it all evens out in the end. Finally, what about couples who can’t have children? My aunt and uncle have been married for 50 years but could never have kids? Because they don’t carry on the name, does that make their marriage invalid?

disco

February 28th, 2012
11:10 am

purple – she gave up her name and you gave her trust? come on man….. by the way, how was Orlando? a friend of mine said she partied hard all weekend long.

folks keep saying not taking the name means women aren’t committed to the marriage. I don’t see the connection. for arguments sake who do you want – the chick that takes the name but ignores the vows or the chick that respects the vows but kept her name? in life you can’t always have everything.

I’m swiss – it’s important to a lot of guys. yes it is but I’m willing to bet for different reasons. some guys have their “traditional” reasons for believing in it and some guys are just caught up in egotistical reasons.

purple – I’m one that would keep my own name. my parents were married and my mother took his name.

I’ve had a similar discussion countless times when you bring up “head of household”. a lot of men think they are entitled to it just because they are male and I hate to do it but I have to beg to differ. some men/males are simply incapable of heading households. now, I’m not a woman that would choose such a man but many women do.

kimmie - the original :)

February 28th, 2012
11:12 am

Aren’t there some, I think Latino, cultures where the husband takes the wifes last name?

While I can see it can be somewhat of an emotional issue for men as well as women, me thinks some of you guys are being a bit silly, with the “not all way married” stuff. Just my opinion though.

M. (pronouced M dot)

February 28th, 2012
11:12 am

@Purple

I just always thought marriage was such as serious commitment but now it seems like everyone is making up the rules as they go along and still calling it the same thing.

The non physical marriages are really a trip. Why would I put myself in that situation?

Exiled!

February 28th, 2012
11:12 am

Audra?

Did they want kids?

Celisea

February 28th, 2012
11:13 am

Fion :) My dear I think you said well!

cba – :)

Been in a meeting. Couldn’t peek until now. Had an exec on my right and left. I pretty much skimmed but so far I’m with the men pretty much :)

Sassy Me...PYT ;-)

February 28th, 2012
11:13 am

I know it is just a last name, but what about the psychological effects? Maybe some guys only feel like partial leaders since their wife only partially has his last name?

strangely I heard violins playing while reading this…cry me a river already. If a name is going to determine the course of or success/failure rate of a marriage then obviously there are other issues at play here. And if that causes a man psychological problems then..that’s a whole other Oprah and another couch he needs to go sit on n talk about it…

Exiled!

February 28th, 2012
11:16 am

Kimmie..

If u want ’silly’ actually it’s the ring that’s ’silly’,in comparison to the name.

The name is such a Huge deal symbolically.

A lot of females are really excited to at last have his last name.

The ring is just a material representation. Nothing more nothing less!

Sassy Me...PYT ;-)

February 28th, 2012
11:16 am

who do you want – the chick that takes the name but ignores the vows or the chick that respects the vows but kept her name? in life you can’t always have everything.

worth repeating…

So guys what are your thoughts on that?

kimmie - the original :)

February 28th, 2012
11:19 am

Sassy – Yeah, looks like those pink panties are having a psychological effect!LOL!!

Real men take on their role regardless. All I got to say on that.

I’ve heard of powerful women that use their established, maiden name professinally but use their married name other times.

Face it guys, we do live in different times and the “rules” have changed. Doesn’t mean any one is less committed, just that some have a hard time adjusting to the changing of the times.

i'm swiss

February 28th, 2012
11:20 am

I just had a great idea: Dudes for whom it is important that a wife take his name should marry a woman who will take his name. Chicks who want to keep their names should marry a dude who doesn’t mind if she keeps her name.

M. (pronouced M dot)

February 28th, 2012
11:22 am

@Sassy Me…PYT ;-)

“who do you want – the chick that takes the name but ignores the vows or the chick that respects the vows but kept her name? in life you can’t always have everything.”

I know you cant have what you want, but as a guy you control who YOU ASK to marry you so I would probably pass on both of them until I got the situation I am comfortable with.

disco

February 28th, 2012
11:23 am

swiss – eureka!!!

kimmie - the original :)

February 28th, 2012
11:23 am

Exiled – Understandable that you would have such an opinion on the ring. (Remember a Kiss begins with K!LOL!) I actually think if we all had just stuck with exchanging a simple gold band, things would be a little simpler, and cheaper in that respect. Less emphasis would be on the material and more on the symbol. But wearing a ring does say to the world you are married, so it does simplify things!

Celisea

February 28th, 2012
11:23 am

Soooo if she asks him to marry her will he take her last name?

cba

February 28th, 2012
11:23 am

If I were asked this question before I married, I probably would have said, it doesn’t matter one way or the other. But, when I saw my wife go through the process of getting her name changed and saw my last name on her DL, yeah, I held my head a little higher and stuck out my chest a bit farther because I then recognized this is real, very real, serious business.

Sassy Me...PYT ;-)

February 28th, 2012
11:24 am

looks like those pink panties are having a psychological effect!

:lol:

Real men take on their role regardless. All I got to say on that

Real talk Kimmie…

Swiss ditto on your 11:20..plain and simple

kimmie - the original :)

February 28th, 2012
11:25 am

disco – Agree 100% on the H of H. Some are just not up to the task!

kimmie - the original :)

February 28th, 2012
11:27 am

cba – My husband was quite proud. It was touching.

Sassy Me...PYT ;-)

February 28th, 2012
11:27 am

but as a guy you control who YOU ASK to marry you

True that M dot..makes alot of sense.

M. (pronouced M dot)

February 28th, 2012
11:29 am

Like @Audra said..times are changing…what’s next celibate marriages lol?

czBrat

February 28th, 2012
11:29 am

looks interesting indeed, but i don’t have time for all this catchup. based on what i’ve read so far, i think i can just co-sign on disco’s comments for the rest of the day. :lol: :lol:

i’ve already decided there will be no name change this time. s/o wasn’t happy about that (pride of ownership and all), but he’s ok. the honor is in the dedication not the tagging.

We are both giving up something she is giving up her last name and I am giving her trust that she won’t tarnish the name that I am giving her.
i’m sorry but what exactly did you give up here?

Lolalee

February 28th, 2012
11:31 am

So are all the folks pressing for “traditional” marriages willing to step up to all the trappings of a “traditional” marriage? Or is it a pick and choose kind of thing?

For example, in a “traditional” marriage, the woman does not work outside the home. Are you willing and able to finacially support her? If not, it’s not a “traditional” marriage, so you have to forge something else.

And taking a name in exchange for trust that she won’t abuse it? Are you friggin serious? What does she give you that you won’t abuse?

kimmie - the original :)

February 28th, 2012
11:32 am

M dot – You keep wanting to bring the physical into this. What does what 2 people decide to do or not to do in their marital bed have to do with this discussion about names? Just curious.

Celisea

February 28th, 2012
11:32 am

LOLOLOLOL….I’m just eating popcorn from the sidelines….for once :)

M. (pronouced M dot)

February 28th, 2012
11:33 am

@kimmie – the original :)

I was saying that because Audra was saying that traditional marriages are out the window basically. So everything is changing in 2012. The women will probably be the men and vice versa in 2030

johnny too good

February 28th, 2012
11:37 am

I always thought that a marriage was a union between 2 people who may possibly start a family, is it soooo much of a problem that family members cant have the same last name?
disclaimer: i’m not saying that there is anything wrong with family members who dont share the same last name

kimmie - the original :)

February 28th, 2012
11:37 am

Are you willing and able to finacially support her? If not, it’s not a “traditional” marriage, so you have to forge something else.

Lola – Bingo!!

Like it or not, we all pick and choose what “traditions” we want to stick with, do away with or new ones to create. And with changing times, it’s necessary because a lot of traditions are just not practical for the world we live in today. And that’s not always the bad thing a lot of folks try to make it. We are all free to start our own traditions as well which can be just as sweet for the two involved.

Exiled!

February 28th, 2012
11:37 am

Disco.. but u are using outliers to advance an argument.

If those ‘husbands’ aren’t leading then that’s an abnormality not a norm.

A man must lead his household.

They are men right now,proudly beating their chests but the whole world knows,except them, that those kids in the home aren’t theirs!

Same thing. We can’t run on what those men are..

Real men will have their women follow their lead!

Now u Disco are an outlier u know that. :lol:

cba

February 28th, 2012
11:39 am

Kimmie I know you felt good for making him proud.
A little give and take, it works wonders.

Audra

February 28th, 2012
11:40 am

M. – Does it freakin’ matter anyway? I think it’s weird, but if a celibate marriage works for some couple, whatever. Why do you have to be so worried about it?

I’m with kimmie and i’m swiss and Lolalee: A real man takes responsibility no matter what (and so does a woman, imho). And if you NEED her to take your last name maybe you’ve got some other issues. And not abusing it? What, is it a precious bunny?? LOL. You might have noticed that some men do a lot of abusing of their own, so give me a break on that one.

Just find someone that agrees with your approach to it…that’s the answer to this whole problem, to each his own! Not hard.

disco

February 28th, 2012
11:41 am

kimmie – yeah. I think I made that traditions point as well. to each his own. some folks traditionally eat pumpkin pie over the holidays and I’ve never had a slice of pumpkin pie in my life. sure as heck doesn’t mean my holidays are traditional.

exiled – I never read outliers so I’m not exactly sure what the term means. (are you insulting me or complimenting me?)

kimmie - the original :)

February 28th, 2012
11:42 am

M dot – I still say you’re being a little silly. Newsflash, everything did not just start changing in 2012. Society is constantly evolving. You can either stand on the sidelines and complain or participate and make a positive contribution.

czBrat

February 28th, 2012
11:43 am

M., good point I bet a man would not feel fully responsible if she kept her name or hyphenated it. Very Good point.
the fact is, the man should already have that sense of “responsibility” for me (and i for him) before we take those vows. if my name determines how “resonsible” you feel for me, then you can keep your name, your ring, and your freedom and continue your search. go with God.

50-50 marriage if something goes bump in the night that means sometimes she has to go check it out. LOL
and at times she will. she should not be defenseless nor useless in the guarding of your household. just as no one in that household should have to starve to death if she is somehow indisposed.

Exiled!

February 28th, 2012
11:45 am

Disco…

Certainly not insulting..

U talking of ‘head of hpusehold’ then saying some are incapable because the men lead

Well,that’s not a norm I’m saying. The norm is for the men to lead

So we can’t use that abnormality to argue that a name change isNot warranted.

Exiled!

February 28th, 2012
11:46 am

Because the women lead I meant to say

disco

February 28th, 2012
11:50 am

well for argument sake ex maybe you shouldn’t say “norm”, maybe you should “traditional” though that might not be the perfect word either considering we all define our own normal and are defining our own traditional as well. for the record, I’m not against a man being the head of household, I’m just against promoting a man to the position if he’s incapable of filling it. the men on this blog are making the assumption that every man is filling a man’s shoes, doing a man’s job and taking care of a man’s responsibilities. while I wish that were the reality it’s not always so. y’all need to acknowledge that.

Celisea

February 28th, 2012
12:03 pm

Off topic:

She’s crunching (chips) again…lol

Exiled!

February 28th, 2012
12:04 pm

‘Promoting a man being the head?’

Disco!?
Well I do that with Jnr….but once he is outa college,working and in his own household,he is ready to assume full ‘manhood’ credentials.

Now if u talking bout these gangsters that shoot women and ride on the passenger side of their
girlfriends cars,taking them to work and spending the day with the car then coming back at five to pick baby girl at work, then switch driving seats again(coz that ain’t his ride)…Well. We can’t call them head of households

cba

February 28th, 2012
12:05 pm

get some ear plugs :-) :lol:

Audra

February 28th, 2012
12:06 pm

M. – too funny, that was the same argument used when women were trying to get the right to vote in 1920! That women would become the men and vice versa. Hasn’t happened yet…

Celisea

February 28th, 2012
12:06 pm

cba – I know right… :)

disco

February 28th, 2012
12:11 pm

see ex – you do get it. that’s all I (and some others) are saying. just because a person has a dee-eye-see-kay doesn’t mean he’s capable of running things and handling business.

kimmie - the original :)

February 28th, 2012
12:12 pm

Exiled – To you, the thought of a man not being the head of his household is foreign. But it’s more of a reality for a lot more households than you think. And it’s not just these thug dudes either. A whole lot of dudes out there are wearing the panties. Their women are frustrated too, because just like you guys say you can’t turn a ho into a housewife, you can’t turn a wuss into a HOH. Yeah, they may talk a good game around their buddies, but you would be shocked if you were a fly on the wall in their house! A lot of dudes are just not up to the task. With the role comes responsibility, not just the bragging rights.

disco

February 28th, 2012
12:16 pm

ex – re full manhood credentials… my son just emailed me this morning re needing me to co-sign one last time. he so hates it when he has to ask for something. he works hard and his credit is good but he’s a student and, while he works two jobs, his income is rather low. I’m confident that he’ll handle his though. cool believe I won’t be co-signing for any more leases or cars after he graduates.

kimmie – hot dang. you can’t turn a wuss into a head of household. too funny.

Leggs

February 28th, 2012
12:18 pm

“but as a guy you control who YOU ASK to marry you ”

@M. ~ tomorrow is leap year and it’s the day women ask men to marry them. I heard a poll this morning that said 14% of men would be scared stupid if a woman asked for his hand in marriage, and some %age (don’t remember the number but it was high and not 86) welcomed being asked.

@Celisea ~ today, right now, go ask for some!

M. (pronouced M dot)

February 28th, 2012
12:19 pm

@Audra
@Kimmie

Like I said, its up to the guy to be selective with who he ASKS to marry him so if shes not on the same page, get another book.

Leggs

February 28th, 2012
12:19 pm

@kimmie ~ just read your 12:12 and you are spot on.

M. (pronouced M dot)

February 28th, 2012
12:20 pm

@Leggs

If the woman asks, thats on her. Wasn’t it a rapper who’s gf asked him for marriage?

M. (pronouced M dot)

February 28th, 2012
12:22 pm

@kimmie – the original :)

Regarding your 12:12, that guy probably didnt turn that way over night. Most people know what they are dating and dealing with and accept it. If they didnt change then they probably wont change now.

Celisea

February 28th, 2012
12:24 pm

Leggs – I’ll grab a bag of Vickies (chips)…lol

Leggs

February 28th, 2012
12:31 pm

@M. – Yes, Chrissy asked Jim Jones to marry her in a heartfelt ceremony. He basically blew her off because he didn’t say yes or nor. He was scared. A year later (I think), he nonchalantly suprised her in Miami with a beautiful ring and an extremely nonchalant proposal (but that’s his style). She was genuinely surprised and accepted her bumpy ride onto Cloud Nine!

Leggs

February 28th, 2012
12:32 pm

And M., of course if a woman asks, it’s on her. Just like if a man asks, it’s on him. Whatcha saying? Because a woman asks the risk of receiving a No is higher???

Sassy Me...PYT ;-)

February 28th, 2012
12:36 pm

She was genuinely surprised and accepted her bumpy ride onto Cloud Nine!

Yes she was blown away…then she said “Even if we never get married, I’m still a Jones (his last name”….to me that sounded like a disclaimer cause if it took him ~8 years to propose then the wedding should happen around 2020…or somewhere thereabout.

Leggs

February 28th, 2012
12:40 pm

That disclaimer probably is to make her feel better. All she wanted was the proposal on tv to top her feeling like a sucker and proposing to him on national tv only to be left dangling. Oh well, she’s happy…

Lolalee

February 28th, 2012
12:51 pm

@Leggs thanks for the reminder re leap year tomorrow. Think I’ll ask my man… to dance.

If he ever wants to marry me, he will do the asking, not I. Besides, if I proposed marriage, would that mean I buy myself a ring??

disco

February 28th, 2012
12:52 pm

sassy – you just hit on another pet peeve. can’t stand chicks (and this is usually a female offense. I haven’t run across guys who do it) who refer to folks as their in-laws when they aren’t married to anybody. I’m like girl that’s your boyfriend’s mother, not your mother-in-law.

O/T – I couldn’t log on to an online banking feature. I call the bank to figure it out. they tell me the account was deactivated for lack of activity. now granted I get the whole dormant thing but I had to tell a rep that if an account is receiving regular direct deposits twice a month it’s not freaking inactive!!! the customer service rep even had to laugh when I pointed that out and then encouraged me to make more transactions. I’m going to transact my money right up out of there. I wouldn’t be that annoyed if it was an instant fix but they are talking about 3-5 business days.

czBrat

February 28th, 2012
12:55 pm

dunno if any of the blog women can identify with this, but i distinctly recall waking up the morning after i got married and thinking ‘who is this {insert new name} chick? what’s her story? did she really suddenly come into existence already a full-grown woman?’ it kinda messed with me for a while that i was someone else, yet still me.

i am so comfortable with who i am that donning a new identity again is simply not an option. i luv my name. i luv what it means to me and how well i wear it. i luv that it’s an identifier of everything i’ve been through. perhaps the gents don’t fully appreciate how much OUR name means to us and what an adjustment it is to give it up.

why does it have to be a slap in your face or an early warning that we’re not going to be fully vested (and yet we’re supposed to assume that you unquestionably are?!?)?

having said that, there’s always the possibility i might decide to take his name. not likely, but possible. i appreciate that he is allowing me the choice. he made his preference known, then accepted that the decision is mine. as far as i know, what i decide will not impact what type of husband he intends to be.

Exiled!

February 28th, 2012
12:59 pm

See these Thirsty women doing proposals are the ones messing it up for errbody.

To top it off,she wants it on national tv

Now are u getting married for tv or because u believe in marriage?

Seems like one of those ‘made for tv kardadshian marriages’

I doubt the marriage will last anyway…Jim
jones??

kimmie - the original :)

February 28th, 2012
1:01 pm

M dot – It’s also up to the woman to be selective about whose proposal she ACCEPTS. Remember she DOES have some choice and say-so in this thing as well. TRADITIONALLY always has!LOL!!!

i'm swiss

February 28th, 2012
1:08 pm

Lolalee — Technically, I believe if the chick pops the question, it is traditional that she buy the dude a big-screen TV. (Hey, you’re still getting off way cheaper than an engagement ring) :lol:

Exiled!

February 28th, 2012
1:08 pm

Married But Miss Czbrat for Life!

that’s sounds like a punchline tag the women’s lib folks might like! :lol:

kimmie - the original :)

February 28th, 2012
1:11 pm

Brat – Love your post and I can completely identify with it. Probably because my identity has never been so tied to someone else. A lot of that has to do with marrying not as young, maybe.

I looked at the new world I was entering by marrying this man and what I was taking on. It was nothing I took lightly by any stretch of the imagination. Marrying into and taking on a new family. It’s monumental and not something I would do with just any ole dude.

Leggs

February 28th, 2012
1:16 pm

I wouldn’t ask a man to marry me either. I prefer for him to ask me. Well, I rather prefer he didn’t, but if I was in the market, he needs to ask me.

Leggs

February 28th, 2012
1:18 pm

Exactly, kimmie…saying if she ’s asks its on her. Duh (lol).

Fion

February 28th, 2012
1:18 pm

@Swiss
“Lolalee — Technically, I believe if the chick pops the question, it is traditional that she buy the dude a big-screen TV. (Hey, you’re still getting off way cheaper than an engagement ring)”

I thought it was a Porsche PanAmeria . Let me check the rule book.

Lady~

February 28th, 2012
1:21 pm

poppin’ back in!

Exiled!

February 28th, 2012
1:25 pm

So these chics who ask get themselves their own rings and ask dude to put it on her..

and they get reimbursed later?

Umm

Lady~

February 28th, 2012
1:26 pm

lol ex……my aunt proposed to her husband and they married in their early 40s now they are early 50s and it was a rough marriage but they held on and still together…….she was pressed to marry and he was divorced go figure

czBrat

February 28th, 2012
1:27 pm

reading back on some older posts: @ disco’s 9:42 – i know a guy that went through that as well. his ex kept his name (supposedly for the sake of the child they had together), then went on to have two crumb snatchers by two different guys who ghosted on her. both of those kids grew up thinking he was as much their dad as anyone else because they had his name and he was the only father they ever saw coming around and doing right by his actual child. now one of those kids is already a teen mom. so he has the honor of knowing that his name will forever live on through who knows how many generations of unwed/unplanned pregnancies. meanwhile, HIS daughter is in college staying on the straight and narrow. sh!t like that just makes me smdh.

thanx, kimmie. you have taken on a commendable role indeed.

and no, ex. not MISS czBrat for life. soon to be Mrs. czBrat. :grin:
i do like the idea of hyphenation, but our names are an ethnic/cultural mismatch. sounds weird. *shrugs :lol:

Lady~

February 28th, 2012
1:28 pm

i know I won’t be doing it even if I am pressed it just certain things that call for an order of service if you will

kimmie - the original :)

February 28th, 2012
1:29 pm

I’m in the “he’s gotta ask me” camp too. That’s one tradition I was never going to break. Mom taught me that. That’s where I drew the line.

Lady~

February 28th, 2012
1:29 pm

interesting………..

Lady~

February 28th, 2012
1:30 pm

ummmm I know for sure if I hadn’t had a child I wouldn’t have no reason to keep my current last name….its really a personal choice…To each their own for whatever reason~

Exiled!

February 28th, 2012
1:34 pm

So Czbrat,u are Panamian and ur boo is black American?

Lady? She was presed for what,time?

Leggs,u off the market? Didn’t know that.

Leggs

February 28th, 2012
1:34 pm

I will ask you dance, I will ask you to f…me, I will ask you for a piggyback ride, but I ain’t asking you to marry me (lolol).

Exiled!

February 28th, 2012
1:36 pm

Now that heifer that kept his name but put the other 2 kids on his name has no class!

Lady~

February 28th, 2012
1:38 pm

yep bc she did have a difficult pregnancy with their son and she can’t have any more….time and just wanting to be married period….

Lady~

February 28th, 2012
1:40 pm

that was tacky Ex……….

I am so happy I tied my tubes! and if a child comes without marriage my maiden name it will be……..promise!

Lady~

February 28th, 2012
1:41 pm

who knows the odds of babies coming after tying your tubes but I pray I am never the exception…..lol rant!

Exiled!

February 28th, 2012
1:45 pm

Lady?

‘Who knows the odds of babies coming after tying your tubes and (getting married)

Ummm…just use a condom!

ughhh,I know….don’t wanna wrap ur candy

Lady,I hear u saying,’ur right Ex!’. LOL

Leggs

February 28th, 2012
1:46 pm

Meant if I was in the market for “marriage,” Ex.

Lady~

February 28th, 2012
1:46 pm

Absolutely sir! Lol bc STDs and STIs are REAL.COM and older adults are catching them more and more!

Willie Dynamite

February 28th, 2012
1:48 pm

Afternoon All,

Lively discussion today, On Topic – Wifey has my last name. I don’t think i was ever adamant about it but I am kinda old school traditional and fealt very strongly in favor. Sure i pick and choose but for the most part I’m consistent. I did butt heads with the MIL about the name change. I was reminded that I was sort of Matter Fact about it and it never came up again.
On the flip side I don’t have a say so in other folks lives. i don’t think it denotes trust, responsibility or any other word you want to put in there. I am all for whatever works for you and yours. I know what works for me and mine, 1 name.

For Real

February 28th, 2012
2:08 pm

Interesting topic but it goes back to one of my questions:

What’s purpose of getting married?

You can take the same vows.

You can sign a power of attorney to handle legal issues.

Leggs

February 28th, 2012
2:17 pm

What’s purpose of getting married? – someone answered, I will try to find for you.

Lady~

February 28th, 2012
2:18 pm

Leggs

February 28th, 2012
2:18 pm

Mike P

February 28th, 2012
10:53 am
@Audra: for men, marriage has very little to do with Love, or being in a loving relationship. Marriage is about staking a permanent claim over a women (telling the world to back-off, she mine now!!), taking possession, building, protecting, and providing for the family unit as head of household. When you don’t take our name is very disrespectful to us. Why get married at all if you can’t submit to him on a simple level like taking the man’s name as an honor?

Celisea

February 28th, 2012
2:19 pm

Oooh, I missed that

Lady~

February 28th, 2012
2:24 pm

Jake a.ka. Sweet Peeda Jeeda TWB

February 28th, 2012
2:28 pm

What up folks…as for the topic, there is no way the Mrs. could have told me, “I love you, but I don’t want your name”…This will not sit well with some of you, but it is an honor for a man to ask for your hand in marriage, if you accept ladies, that means you are accepting all of him…To marry a woman means you are accepting responsiblity for her well being, and putting her first and foremost for eternity, or at least that the plan…(if he gonna give up new puddy for your sake, its the least you could)

Celisea

February 28th, 2012
2:28 pm

I’ve purposely stayed out of this one but I’ll quickly say…with no disrespect to anyone’s beliefs as everyone should do what works and is best for them, I don’t get not taking the man’s name in an effort to keep with your identity. IMO you are who you are…….by strides, accomplishments, efforts, offsprings, etc. IMO, taking a man’s name is entering a new chapter and turning the page in life. How can you move forward and hang back at the same time? Or I ask more softly, how can you transition into the realm of “oneness with another” while maintaining yourself independant of him? Isn’t that what merging and coming together as one should reflect? I don’t think a man can stake claim to “owning” you by you taking his name and standing side by side. One that’s smothering, overbearing, refusing to give space within the married world is what I picture as that’s staking claim and ownershipe….literally.

I dunno, I’ll stop there. Just my thoughts and opinions.

Lady – :)

i'm swiss

February 28th, 2012
2:33 pm

Off topic: Oh boy! It’s that time of the month when I’m the worst person in the world, and everything wrong on this earth is my fault. Hooray! :lol:

Purple

February 28th, 2012
2:34 pm

When society is at the point of men listening to women for the definition of manhood or what a “real man” is, the future is doomed

Celisea

February 28th, 2012
2:34 pm

That time of the month for you…by way of her…lol

Fion

February 28th, 2012
2:35 pm

@Swiss
Not to get too personal, but you got a Period?? Just asking???

For Real

February 28th, 2012
2:36 pm

Leggs you can do all of that without getting married. So Mike P.

For the record if I got married a woman would have to take my last name with no hypo. Also, it seems a pretty simple issue to me, marry a chick that will take your name or marry a dude that will let you keep your name. May the two never cross!

So, again, What’s the purpose of getting married?

i'm swiss

February 28th, 2012
2:36 pm

Fion — No, but I have a wife. And hers should be arriving in, oh, about 2 days, I’d guess. :lol:

Fion

February 28th, 2012
2:39 pm

@Swiss
Whewww!!!! I was gonna say the Circus is here and we could make a quick 100k.

disco

February 28th, 2012
2:39 pm

whew… we’re still on names huh? who’d have thunk it?

Willie Dynamite

February 28th, 2012
2:41 pm

If the name change is a serious issue I would also say they are quite a few other issues based on views that will cause some problems.

i'm swiss

February 28th, 2012
2:41 pm

By the way, can we make a new rule, here? Any woman who is boo’ed-up cannot complain about her period. Ever. Because no matter how bad it is for you, I promise it’s worse for us. :lol:

Leggs

February 28th, 2012
2:41 pm

@ForReal ~ I realize all of that, just wanted to share with you and answer that was given. Perhaps having the legal certificate solidifies the notion that this is what you HAVE to do, but shacking with one another, doesn’t quite have the same impact of “having to do it.” Perhaps MikeP can answer….

“Off topic: Oh boy! It’s that time of the month when I’m the worst person in the world, and everything wrong on this earth is my fault. Hooray! ” – that’s another thing I never understood. How one’s PMS completely changes a person. I’ve never witnessed it, and I never became a facisimile of my true self. Much like people saying “don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of coffee!” It’s amazing how one psychology believes “that morning cup of coffeee” makes them a better person. It’s all in your mind. If you want to be nice w/o that coffee you can be….

Lady~

February 28th, 2012
2:42 pm

I honestly can’t wait (whenever God says so) to take on my husband’s name!!!! Iam glad I failed first bc for me it gives greater appreciation to take it on and to know and be secure as to why (this is for me)……..I love my growth and don’t apologize for it…yes you have to do what works for you and know why you are doing…

For Real

February 28th, 2012
2:42 pm

Swiss: This is the time of month that you use the ultimate male weapon. The ability to absolutely and completely block out the sound of a female voice.

Purp well said!

Purple

February 28th, 2012
2:43 pm

Leggs I have a sister in law who has to take medication during her period time. If she does not she is pure evil.

Jake a.ka. Sweet Peeda Jeeda TWB

February 28th, 2012
2:43 pm

Enter your comments here

i'm swiss

February 28th, 2012
2:45 pm

Purple — Do you know the name of the medication? Please. :lol:

Leggs

February 28th, 2012
2:46 pm

WOW, Purp. I know people get cramps, but to actually be medicated so they don’t turn into The Hulk is news.

Leggs

February 28th, 2012
2:47 pm

:lol: :lol: @ swiss. I sense you’re on your knees pleading…

For Real

February 28th, 2012
2:48 pm

Leggs: the legal certificate does not mean you HAVE to do anything. If it did then there wouldn’t be any divorces. Would it?

Purple

February 28th, 2012
2:48 pm

For Real, some , not all, women’s definition of a real man is a man who will put up with their ish and not say anything about that ish

Purple

February 28th, 2012
2:50 pm

Swiss I dont know the name of it but make her some weed brownies

Leggs, it’s not an isolated case lol

Willie Dynamite

February 28th, 2012
2:50 pm

Purp/4 Real – It is plenty of dudes out here like that. Same for Women, It is is few Real ladies out there but plenty of Chicken Heads and hoes around.

Fion

February 28th, 2012
2:50 pm

If a man has an understanding of himself and his lineage. That he is the representation of the Men in his family that have come before him Grandfather, Farther ect.
His name will matter a great deal to him. A man should offer you his Love, his honor, his protection and his affection.
The embodiment of those things are encapsulated in his name. Therefore when rebuff his name you reject all that is him.

Jake a.ka. Sweet Peeda Jeeda TWB

February 28th, 2012
2:51 pm

I’m late as heck today and have not read all the previous comments, but since its still being debated, obviously there were differing opinions…

“There is no good reason for a woman to not take the name of her husband, and there is no good husband who would allow such foolishness”…Captain Caveman

if there are professional concerns, hyphenatation is acceptable, but still suspect

Lady~

February 28th, 2012
2:52 pm

damn WD! O_o lol

i likes fion!

Lady~

February 28th, 2012
2:52 pm

hyphenatation is acceptable, but still suspect <<<<<<Too funny Jake!

disco

February 28th, 2012
2:55 pm

i feel like 500 word essays on “what my last name means to me” are in order.

Lady~

February 28th, 2012
2:56 pm

alrighty good people! after being hazed last night and today, I’ve completed a major project!!!!! ;)

peace out~

Jake a.ka. Sweet Peeda Jeeda TWB

February 28th, 2012
2:56 pm

Fion…where can I cosign that 2:50, I think that really says it all.

Purple

February 28th, 2012
2:58 pm

Fion, good post.

There is no amount of celebrity that should matter. If she is famous enough people should still know her by first name. And if she were to get married everyone would know anyway. Do you think Beyonces career would have taken Carter as her last name ?

Jake a.ka. Sweet Peeda Jeeda TWB

February 28th, 2012
2:59 pm

Jake a.k.a Captain Caveman

Exiled!

February 28th, 2012
2:59 pm

Leggs?
(meelo standing for females with rough PMS)

I’ve never ….much like people say ‘don’t …..’ aggh

It’s physiological..one has no control over it..

But if I say ’some females have small tatas’, u understand? :lol:

It’s the same thing! :lol:

disco

February 28th, 2012
3:01 pm

true story – I have an aunt who got married to a guy named “Smith”. she divorced him and kept her married name. she ultimately remarried another guy named “Smith”. she divorced him too, still keeping the name “Smith”. I ask you guys – did she take her second husbands name or not? okay. I’m sorry. guess my afternoon “itis” is kicking in.

Exiled!

February 28th, 2012
3:02 pm

Fion!

Good strong balls,that 2:50!

U a Lion

Roaaaaaaar!

Jake a.ka. Sweet Peeda Jeeda TWB

February 28th, 2012
3:04 pm

Good strong balls,that 2:50!…..lol

Exiled!

February 28th, 2012
3:06 pm

What’s that girl’s name that said I was insulting her..Audra?

If she don’t get wet,reading 2:50,then her man is gay.

:lol:

Right ladies?
:lol:

I think we done with topic

disco

February 28th, 2012
3:06 pm

“A rose by any other name would smell as sweet” – Shakespeare.

Wikipedia Translation – “the names of things do not matter, only what things are”.

Fion

February 28th, 2012
3:08 pm

@Exiled
lol!!! Only you could work ‘balls’ into someting as a compliment. :)

i'm swiss

February 28th, 2012
3:17 pm

Fion — D@mn, bro. I don’t know if you should feel flattered or violated. :lol:

czBrat

February 28th, 2012
3:17 pm

ultimately, i do believe s/o is much more concerned (and honored) that i be the best wife i can possibly be to him. it does not dishonor either of us to have different last names. there is no lack of respect for who we are and what roles we take in this relationship.

part of headship is taking into consideration the needs and feelings of those you lead. while one dude might place ultimatums on his mate to gain the submission he seeks, another might choose not to strongarm his way around a big decision. oddly enough, the latter dude will still get the submission he seeks …. but from a willing, supportive partner.

i can only imagine how monumental it must be to cover your wife’s head with something as precious and timeless as your forefathers name. my forefathers name means no less to me, but i’m not choosing to hold onto it because it honors them. i choose to do so simply because i like it.

Purple

February 28th, 2012
3:27 pm

Strong Balls!

Leggs

February 28th, 2012
3:31 pm

@ForReal ~ I think you’re misreading me. My answers are to Mike P’s statement. Perhaps that’s what HE thinks….

kimmie - the original :)

February 28th, 2012
3:34 pm

At the end of the day, everyone is doing what works for them. We wouldn’t have it any other way.

For Real

February 28th, 2012
3:34 pm

Good point Disco but wasn’t their family fueding and they both disowned their family name for the sake of their relationshhip. So, again, What is the purpose of getting married?

Why does it seem that the blog women hear or picture a man beating down a woman when they hear submit?

Leggs

February 28th, 2012
3:35 pm

@Ex ~ when I say “I’ve never seen anyone go through PMS and completely change and become evil, I mean, I’ve never……

And, my reference to coffee, I stand by it being a matter of will. If you can’t function w/o a cup of freaking coffee and become a butthole because you don’t have one, that’s a decision you made.

Celisea

February 28th, 2012
3:36 pm

Why does it seem that the blog women hear or picture a man beating down a woman when they hear submit?

Maybe I missed something but I don’t think I read this?????

Celisea

February 28th, 2012
3:37 pm

Oh, wait….why does it “seem”….never mind

Celisea

February 28th, 2012
3:37 pm

For that one there should be a slew of “why does it seem” questions but there ain’t enough hours in a day

Fion

February 28th, 2012
3:38 pm

@Leggs
Are you going to go get some tomorrow????

disco

February 28th, 2012
3:40 pm

for real – yes romeo/juliet is extreme (the disowning family part) but in a sense that’s kind of what’s it’s all about. that whole “cleave” thing. they just took cleaving to another level.

Leggs

February 28th, 2012
3:40 pm

Ummmm, tomorrow is Wednesday….pray tell what is “get some?” I’m almost scared to ask…

Sassy Me...PYT ;-)

February 28th, 2012
3:43 pm

I know right Celisea? In a marriage BOTH husband AND wife submit to EACHOTHER….

Submit really isn’t a dirty word as some would like to think…guys do it all the time whether they want to admit it or not. It could be over the most trivial of things to something monumental…
Does it have a negative connotation b/c of some of the skewed views of certain degrading, misguided, sexist, unga bunga “me man u woman” type thinking/actions…maybe

IJS

Fion

February 28th, 2012
3:43 pm

You need to go and have sex. You need to relax man. Way too much tension. You’ve been on the Blog for 3mths now with CFMP comments and so on. Go take of that. It will do you good.

kimmie - the original :)

February 28th, 2012
3:43 pm

Leggs – I’m so with you on the PMS thing. It’s not an excuse for anything. I hate when either party even brings it up. I’ve never known any woman that could use that as an excuse to be a complete B that wasn’t one already the rest of the month.

4 Real – The whole “submit” thing is one of the most misused terms about marriage in the biblical sense. I hate to even go there because most just don’t get it.

For Real

February 28th, 2012
3:44 pm

Celisea: The blog ladies always offer up images of a man being overbearing and giving ultimatums to women when the word “submit” is mentioned.

For Real

February 28th, 2012
3:46 pm

Sassy I agree 100%

Celisea

February 28th, 2012
3:47 pm

Sassy – Yes ma’am…not sure I’m getting all the testosterone hoopla surrounding the issue.

For Real – Not everybody. Submit is easy breezy when a real man is standing in front of you. Nothing force or pushed or heaped on a woman. It’s all natural. I agree with Sassy, it’s both people submitting to one another.

Leggs

February 28th, 2012
3:48 pm

@Fion ~ boy you read me wrong. With CFMP, I’m usually joking around. You put the heaviness in my responses. It’s all good here. I’m not tensed at all. You don’t know how to read my humor, my corniness or anything about me. But, since you are always on my case and never can see the lightness in anything I post, go su*ck your own!

Leggs

February 28th, 2012
3:49 pm

And you’ve been on this blog whining for the past 3-4 months. Perhaps you need to double tag team someone.

Fion

February 28th, 2012
3:51 pm

Must’ve hit a nerve. Ok, it’s not true. Wink, wink.

Exiled!

February 28th, 2012
3:51 pm

Not evil Leggs but antsy,aggressive maybe,irritable,different mood maybe,not as friendly etc and to the one they truly love,yes,a different person.

Queen used to be like that but it got better with time…

I also became aware because we were living together ofcourse.

Not to mention that(as if u dont know this already!) When a woman is getting touched frequently,it feels like she just came outa the massage room.

Relaxed!

Leggs

February 28th, 2012
3:52 pm

No nerve hit, just have to comment if someone is trying to slam me. I don’t cower when someone is throwing accusations my way. Pretty sure you’re the same way.

Sassy Me...PYT ;-)

February 28th, 2012
3:53 pm

:shock: :lol:

Damn Leggs…

All that needed was Lis Weezy playin in the background..”I’m goin in..I’m goin in and Imma go hard”..

Leggs

February 28th, 2012
3:53 pm

“Queen used to be like that but it got better with time…” – or did you recognize the oncoming symptons and got ghost (lol)?

czBrat

February 28th, 2012
3:54 pm

careful throwing around those “always”s. speaking for myself, i heartily accept a submissive role once i’ve put my faith in God that the relationship is right for all involved. but when a dudes emphatically states he would not accept a woman not taking his name, that’s an ultimatum … hidden in the guise of a woman not understanding the importance of being submissive.

For Real

February 28th, 2012
3:54 pm

Celisea: I agree I don’t think submit is a hard concept at all when a man and a woman has a true understanding of each other. Oh and I can’t stand the term “real” it so subjective whether it’s applied to a man or woman.

Kimmie: I agree with you as well.

kimmie - the original :)

February 28th, 2012
3:54 pm

Celisea – Regarding your 3:47 on submission – so VERY TRUE!

In fact, I would venture to say if you have to ask or demand it out of your wife, then, well, you may not be doing something right, ohh … I don’t know…. but you got problems, I’d say!LOL!!!

Leggs

February 28th, 2012
3:54 pm

Sassy Me...PYT ;-)

February 28th, 2012
3:55 pm

not sure I’m getting all the testosterone hoopla surrounding the issue.

Me either…think they’re just tryna start something but we’ve evolved past that…

Celisea

February 28th, 2012
3:57 pm

Kimmie – Yep

For Real – I agree about using the term “real.” But honestly, as with women, there are soooo many misguided believing they are when really they are not. So I say when a woman continues to buck with a man, he might need to chech himself, because the “presence” of a real (sorry) one will bring her under every time. And it’s not by force or anything of that nature. It’s the real thing that happens automatically between a man and woman. Ying to his yang, so forth and so on.

Celisea

February 28th, 2012
3:58 pm

Exactly Sassy. I think most women want to have that role ahead of her..

Fion

February 28th, 2012
3:59 pm

No slam. That was a consultative tone. Like when you ask the woman in the stall next to you to pass you a roll of tissue.

Leggs

February 28th, 2012
4:01 pm

It’s like a parent’s look to their child…they know when to stop all that nonsense. Same thing with a woman in the presence of a man, a true man who handles himself liike a man and not a punk who continuosuly let a woman “buck” to him.

For Real

February 28th, 2012
4:01 pm

“but when a dudes emphatically states he would not accept a woman not taking his name, that’s an ultimatum” – Wow!!! Really? It’s not a common practice around the world? What is it then when a woman says as condition of marriage she will not take his name? Isn’t that an ultimatum?

Exiled!

February 28th, 2012
4:02 pm

Czbrat/Kimmie and Celisea!

Regarding this submission thing I think,well I know that a woman will be mounted(to use Celisea’s term) by the man she wants to be mounted by!

:lol:

So this submission beef is squashed!

Celisea

February 28th, 2012
4:03 pm

Leggs – You took the words right off my post. I was about to say, and I hope it’s not taken the wrong way but a dude can look at you and let you know, without too many words that you’re getting dangerously close to crossing the line of “disrespect” or however you want to peg it. He ain’t gotta say much. And it’s not a “whoa, I’m so scared” type thing going on. Nothing in the realm of getting physical…

Celisea

February 28th, 2012
4:05 pm

And yes, both can have a conversation, talk it out, get it resolved, she or he be right sometimes…without getting out of hand. Again, if she’s bucking you might wanna check your manhood :)

kimmie - the original :)

February 28th, 2012
4:06 pm

Exiled – Whatever! :lol:

kimmie - the original :)

February 28th, 2012
4:12 pm

Celisea/Leggs – I’m Miss “I’m Every Woman” at work, but when I come home, I’m tired. If I gotta be the man when I get home, then really, what good is he? Better yet, like 4 Real asked, why get married?LOL!

czBrat

February 28th, 2012
4:12 pm

What is it then when a woman says as condition of marriage she will not take his name? Isn’t that an ultimatum?
sure sounds like one to me. but what does that have to do with this —-> The blog ladies always offer up images of a man being overbearing and giving ultimatums to women when the word “submit” is mentioned.? is your point simply that both sexes are capable of being overbearing?

Purple

February 28th, 2012
4:13 pm

And the clock keeps ticking

czBrat

February 28th, 2012
4:13 pm

lmao @ me-lo. really hate you sometimes. :lol:

Leggs

February 28th, 2012
4:14 pm

Exactly what I was saying, Celisea!

Exiled!

February 28th, 2012
4:14 pm

I brought some 2 boiled eggs from home planning to have them for breakfast this morning but forgot bout them.

Wld that be greedy if I just foul the air now and eat them even tho it’s waaaay way past 9:00 am?

Blog vote?

Celisea

February 28th, 2012
4:15 pm

Exactly Kimmie, exactly.

Leggs

February 28th, 2012
4:17 pm

@kimmie ~ you don’t want to shout the words “I am Woman Hear me Roar,” but rather Purr, honey, I is home…

Purple

February 28th, 2012
4:20 pm

Nothing is better than a balanced woman.

Purple

February 28th, 2012
4:21 pm

Ha! I used balanced and woman in the same sentence. I’m sure I just broke some sort of law for that

Celisea

February 28th, 2012
4:22 pm

All things being relative

kimmie - the original :)

February 28th, 2012
4:23 pm

Exiled – It would be more considerate to your coworkers to eat them now, when everyone is on their way home. But if you save them for tomorrow morning(more convenient for you) your coworkers will have to suffer longer!LOL!!

Leggs

February 28th, 2012
4:25 pm

Zumba, zumba – I’m out!

Peace out!

czBrat

February 28th, 2012
4:26 pm

If I gotta be the man when I get home, then really, what good is he?
exactly!! we ain’t fighting for the wheel here. why be so sure somebody’s trynna wear your pants just cuz the little woman has an opinion? perhaps if you didn’t mind taking the time to listen to that opinion, understand it, take it into consideration and even talk about why your way is better you just might get the follower you seek without having to walk away from every relationship that poses a slight challenge to your perceived manhood.

just a thought. don’t mind me. just thinking out loud. i know this doesn’t apply to any of our blog gents. just as the question of women bucking headship doesn’t apply to any blog ladies. it’s all rhetorical. :lol: :lol:

Purple

February 28th, 2012
4:35 pm

Atleast we are talking about heterosexual relationships. Lol otherwise I bet it would be hard defining roles and etc. In same sex marriages how does the last name go?

i'm swiss

February 28th, 2012
4:41 pm

Sort of on topic… I got an email earlier from a recruiter whose last name is “Gooch.” I think all the blog dudes would understand if you ladies refused to take his name. :lol:

Purple

February 28th, 2012
4:43 pm

czBrat

February 28th, 2012
4:43 pm

swiss, if his first name’s larry we went to school together. :lol:

get home safely all.

ciao!

i'm swiss

February 28th, 2012
4:47 pm

And if his first name is “Hairy” his parents hated his azz… :lol:

i'm swiss

February 28th, 2012
4:49 pm

Oh wait, that should be “Harry” — but the point is the same. :lol:

Exiled!

February 28th, 2012
4:55 pm

The ladies really stayed on topic the whole day today.

If this was at night,this would qualify as All Nite Long!

Good nite!

Audra

February 28th, 2012
5:19 pm

Wow just came back after having to log off for a while. My opinion is that this desperate clinging to “tradition” is a sign of insecurity, period. Man up, take a woman and yourself as an individual human being, not part of some mighty lineage or some nonsense. LOL. I think M. said it best (I’m paraphrasing) – if a woman doesn’t agree with your view on this, find someone else who does! Just don’t get on other people’s case for not living according to your beliefs. Then we’ll all be happy…

Audra

February 28th, 2012
5:21 pm

One last thing: I knew a girl one time who married a guy who’s last name was Blubahls. Yes, pronounced the way you think it is. :) She didn’t take his name…I guess most people would give her a pass on that one!

Good nite, all!

nelson howard

February 28th, 2012
8:03 pm

That is a great question. I really like it. I know quite a few women that marry the guy because they like his name better than their maiden name. Then they divorce but keep the name. There should be an easier way, but you know how they like to do things the hard way.

CPII

February 29th, 2012
8:33 am

I’m the only male that carries my family name. So, it would be important for me to have her take my name. My mom even kept the name after my parents divorced. I do think there are circumstances that warrant a serious discussion, for instance she is the only one that carries her family name with no cousins or sibling that can keep it going. I don’t think you need always answer to my name immediately, but I do expect us to update all legal documentation shortly after the honeymoon. Even in profession or personal settings where your name is published or recognized, you can still manage to use that name. On documentation, I would still like it changed officially and utilized in the long run. So, I’m willing to have conversation, but as proud as I am of my name, I might be hard to convince.