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Is it wrong to schedule sexy time?

Imagine being in a really great relationship with someone who has a demanding schedule. Then picture your own schedule becoming increasingly hectic. Those spontaneous rendezvous you once had become a distant memory. At this point, romance is something that you have to actually pencil in!

One of my friends is not happy that he has to put a call in days ahead to schedule sexy time. He thinks that if they moved in together, things would be different. I am not sure if that would change things though.

Scheduling romance does not sound romantic, I admit. I would be willing to do anything to keep things sizzling, though.

What do you do when you are too busy to satisfy your partner the way they want? Is it wrong to schedule one another?

What happens when our schedules take over and intimacy goes missing, followed closely by passion? Is that the beginning of the end?

By Wise Diva, Misadventures in Atlanta Dating Blog

253 comments Add your comment

Jeff

February 27th, 2012
5:53 am

You have to decide which is more important; being slammed busy or being romantic and spontaneous.

If you don’t handle it, your partner will find “spontaneity” and “variety” somewhere else.

Rod Stifington

February 27th, 2012
7:32 am

I love getting my sexy on and love the wives and GFs that have partners that don’t. I have a regular stable and and a very regular schedule….keep working boys and so will I. If only you poor fellas knew

Lady~

February 27th, 2012
8:11 am

Good Monday Morning MIA!!!! ;)

SlimUno

February 27th, 2012
8:21 am

Good morning,

Scheduling ’sexy time’ immediately sounds like a buzz kill. WACK!

Lady~

February 27th, 2012
8:25 am

define busy….really I feel people make time to do whatever they want to do some way some how in between the chaos…………shrugs

Lady~

February 27th, 2012
8:29 am

priorities, options, and choices…………….A significant other will fall into one of these components

Lily

February 27th, 2012
8:32 am

Making time is easy when you want time. Slow moving and excuses tells it all.

It's da Truth

February 27th, 2012
8:35 am

Scheduling “sexy time” is like scheduling the air conditioner man. You do it because you have to. Rod Stifington is probably much more right than he is wrong. Just like the men, ladies will go elsewhere to get their “sponteneity” and “passion” if they don’t get their needs met. Then they’ll come home to the routine life of being married and their routine schedule. They may feel guilty about it afterwards, but in a few days, they’ll have their ankles on Rod’s shoulders again. You withhold your meat and you’ll lose your seat. Happens every time.

Lady~

February 27th, 2012
8:36 am

I do realize some times are more hectic than others and more demanding of time be it career, illnesses with other family members, travel, or anything unexpected however with sincere support, understanding, and clear communication I feel the intimacy can be respected and sustain with unconventional ways of connecting. Don’t lose sight during a storm to make it easy for some poor decisions for seeking pleasure for the moment.

Lady~

February 27th, 2012
8:36 am

yeah needs and wants have to be meet and will be some way or some how….be cognitive of that…….

Lady~

February 27th, 2012
8:37 am

meant have to be met

been there

February 27th, 2012
8:37 am

This much is true: If intimacy and love are missing in a relationship, one or both of the people will ultimately be unhappy and seek that elsewhere. How you get that is besides the point. You have to have it.

David

February 27th, 2012
8:39 am

I hate having to schedule intimacy. I know, I know…the “experts” say that you have to do it, but doing it that way is SUCH a buzz kill. You just go through the motions or not far from it. Not even worth the trouble. I’ll just “handle” it myself and my imagination can take me where and with whom I want and she will act like whatever I want.

Ruthie

February 27th, 2012
8:44 am

You can take any moment or situation and transfer it to the sexiness or outright passion. There’s angry sex, frustrated sex, make up sex, I just gotta have it sex, I want to make love sex, I need to **** sex. People just keep coming up with excuse after excuse and then wonder whu their man comes home with his shirt inside out or your woman’s lipstick is smeared all over her face. Some items simply have no substitute. Passion, eagerness and enthusiasm are three of them.

Lady~

February 27th, 2012
8:47 am

Ruthie good post!!! Love this and it is so true and these exist! >>>>>There’s angry sex, frustrated sex, make up sex, I just gotta have it sex, I want to make love sex, I need to **** sex.

Lady~

February 27th, 2012
8:47 am

Passion, eagerness and enthusiasm are three of them. <<<<,Love this and this describes me even on my worse days!

Mr. Unknown

February 27th, 2012
8:58 am

Good morning,
“I would be willing to do anything to keep things sizzling, though.” Effort and communication, Its just that simple.

If you have to pencil in your happy time every now and then, cool. At the sametime If someone is following their dream and you truly love them you should be able to stomach it just a little or suck it up with the long term goal in mind.

If your involved with someone that is goal driven and creates new projects for themselves, the real question becomes. Didn’t you know that going into the relationship? Either keep up or beat your feet. This would be more of an issue for those that need to be up under their partner all the time. Lazy people cheat!

Welcome to

February 27th, 2012
8:59 am

a dose of reality and what the future holds for most of you who will experience ED or be the partner of one who has this problem – or experience the loss of libido as hormones change later in life. To get the answers you seek – try reading the web sites that deal with this very issue that affects millions of aging adults. Scheduling “sexy” time – as you will see – becomes a very real and viable option for those who can get beyond the spontaneity issue in the hopes of maintaining a “sexual life”. You all are right – scheduling is a “buzz kill” – but you will find that you both are dealing with the reality of the situation as best you can – and once the action starts – spontaneity is the ONLY thing that had to suffer and scheduling was well worth the effort. Another bit of advice – you can let scheduling can become a positive in a “negative” situation by both of you knowing in advance – and talking about it in terms of “can’t wait” and “what you’d like to do to / with each other” so when the time finally does come – sex is just as hot or hotter – and the issue of scheduling has worked to your advantage.

Lily

February 27th, 2012
9:04 am

If “cheating” is the first thing that comes to mind then something is not right foundationally. I tire of people just needing a reason. Love being the foundation of all relationships, especially marriage should be the pivotal point and core reason to work it out. What’s all this if you don’t someone else will. People that seek a reason to do wrong, justify doing wrong wasn’t all the in to begin with.

It’s so sad that the ready answer is always to find another. Reading here and watching how things play out in people lives is very discouraging.

Ruthie

February 27th, 2012
9:16 am

Lily, cheating is not the first thing that comes to mind, nor is it the right thing to do. But when attempts are made at communication, solutions suggested and it’s met with stonewalling, excuses, reasons, many partners in the marriage just feel that they have said their piece and that’s the end of it. They won’t budge and aren’t going to budge. Then they act so surprised when the cheating does occur. You think that sexuality isn’t a core them in a healthy relationship? Look at all of the media, print, the self help books, the sex therapists, when the media uses (sexuality) just to get your attention to their other offerings that don’t have anything to do with sex. You have your head in the sand to think that if this criteria isn’t met or at least dealt with that things will just continue on their jolly and happy way. Is cheating wrong? Yup. No one will deny this. But the underlining reason for it is very, VERY real and to dismiss it or look away from it….ever heard the old saying “You’ve made your own bed. Now sleep in it.”? Again, cheating is wrong. But history has shown that it is a very real alternative for people, no matter how wrong it is. There are many ways to ward it off and making excuses or dismissing it isn’t one of them.

DreamsMaterialize

February 27th, 2012
9:16 am

Morning Everyone
I think people should do whatever it is that allows their relationship to thrive. If scheduling time works, then have at it. I do tend to think that people make time for whatever is important. If someone is always busy, it’s because the things keeping them busy are important to them, and they’ve made time to accommodate those important things. If you’re important enough, then they’ll also make time for you too.

Lily

February 27th, 2012
9:27 am

@Ruthie, it doesn’t matter what “history says” or therapists, books, the media, etc., people that lack morals or remose seek the easy out. Two adults, consenting to sex, should be adult enough to do the civil thing, communicate and decide.

It’s not walking around with your head in the sand nor the clouds for that matter. We’re not animals and instinctively move to animalistic behavior. So I’m assuming by your post, deceit, lies, cheating are all okay because one is not getting layed as often as they’d like? I’d much rather have the conversation, put it on the line, make it known….give the opportunity to get it right. If not, the point of talking is to let a person know, out is my next move. In the end feel good about my decision and never having to look over my shoulder or look back.

Ruthie

February 27th, 2012
9:39 am

Lilly, that’s exactly right. You talk about it, go see therapists, discuss possible routes of action, but you are failing to put into account that some people, men and women, don’t WANT to discuss it, REFUSE to consider remedies or different trains of thought. The right thing to do is to decide whether you want to continue in this life and then either accept it or choose divorce.

But you are WAY off base thinking that it is simply animalistic. Sexuality is connection, intimacy, trust, concern and love for your partner. It’s not just “the ol in and out”. People NEED and WANT that intimacy and connection. It’s a huge driving force and a HUGE part of a marriage and relationship. Or maybe you think sex is just for making babies. Is cheating immoral? YUP. Is it wrong? YUP. But it is a fact of life and if you care for each other, you will WANT and TRY to head off any bad things that COULD happen instead of sitting there thinking “No matter how I act or do, she/he better be content with it.” That’s not realistic. I don’t condone cheating nor would I ever cheat, but I’ve seen enough couples where it happened and the conditions in the marriage were such that I did understand why it happened.

Exiled!

February 27th, 2012
9:40 am

‘U withhold ur meat u lose ur seat’

Yep!

Monday…yaaaawn

Hey blogsville 102900!

Lady~

February 27th, 2012
9:44 am

waving @ DM!!!!! ;)

Lily

February 27th, 2012
9:46 am

@Ruthie, maybe that’s the problem…the amount of emphasis you’re placing on how much weight sex carries in a relationship. Obviously you’ve never been married or was/is and not getting it right. Trust me, there are so many more components to a marriage working than just sex. BTW, yes intimacy is much needed in order for a marriage or relationship to work but if you equate intimacy to sex alone, again I see how your thinking is skewed. Intimacy encompasses so much more than the phyical act of sex. I’d even go a step further to say of intimacy, sex is a very small percentage but intimacy in and of itself is a large part of how marriage maintains it’s holding power.

Marriage is not and cannot be sustained on just the physical aspect. You need intimacy and everything else ahead of knowing only how to hit the sheets.

That is all

Lady~

February 27th, 2012
9:53 am

Lily we just had a good class yesterday in Human Growth on intimacy and you are so right it is much more than sex…….

Red Blooded American

February 27th, 2012
9:54 am

I don’t think I’d date or marry Lily. I get the feeling she’s as cold as a witch’s teetee.

Blackfoote: The Real Blackfoote

February 27th, 2012
9:54 am

We have lost all our ingenuity, when we have to start pinning down times frames for intimacy. I like spontaneous, I asked a lady was I on a schedule and she said no, but always made excuses to cancel or reschedule dates. Didn’t take much to figure I was on the back burner. Those too busy to see you, probably have more time for somebody else.

Good Day:

Mr. Unknown

February 27th, 2012
9:57 am

“One of my friends is not happy that he has to put a call in days ahead to schedule sexy time. He thinks that if they moved in together, things would be different. I am not sure if that would change things though.” Moving in with the sole purpose of having better access to someone is a big mistake. He is basically setting himself up. Besides, a woman that has way more going on than you, your going to have a problem anyway! Which would explain why you don’t have any sexytime in the first place. Man-up and quit whining. People need to get hobbies.
What do you do when you are too busy to satisfy your partner the way they want? Is it wrong to schedule one another? Have a conversation, Example:Babe I’m really working hard to get this promotion, so I’m going to take on this 6 month launch project that will have me working crazy hours. Soo alot of things are going to have to be placed on the back burner for now. What do you think?
Check in with ya’ll later.

Lady~

February 27th, 2012
9:58 am

Aesthetic intimacy refers to sharing something beautiful together

Affectionate intimacy embodies sharing affection

Emotional intimacy includes sharing emotions verbally and/or non verbally and allowing oneself to be vulnerable in another’s presence

Intellectual intimacy is cerebral connection , often a conversation on intellectual

Physical intimacy signifies doing physical activities together hiking, biking, playing tennis, walking on beach

Social intimacy denotes doing social activities together…seeing a movie, going to dinner, taking partnered dance lessons, visiting friends

Sexual intimacy consists of exploring and sharing sexuality together

Spiritual intimacy entails sharing a spirituality or religious connection

SlimUno

February 27th, 2012
10:00 am

I’d say, every time won’t be a matter of spontaneity. However, if every session is like scheduling an OB/GYM appointment, then we have a problem.

kimmie - the original :)

February 27th, 2012
10:01 am

Morning All!

Hey, Dreams, good to read ya!

On topic – If the relationship is important to you, you do what you need to make it work. If you have to schedule, so be it. It’s only as romantic as you make it. The anticipation alone can be thrilling. There can also be some comfort in knowing it’s definitely gonna happen, not “will it or won’t it?”. Now I can see this getting a little old over the long haul, but if the 2 of you are going thru a particularly busy patch, maybe this is the answer to maintain for awhile. There is a way to maintain an important relationship, but fulfill obligations and dreams too.

As for cheating, some people don’t need a reason. Even if the 2 of you are intimate in every way, physically and emotionally, some will still cheat.

Ruthie

February 27th, 2012
10:02 am

Of COURSE it’s more than sex. I’m in total agreement. But it IS a part of it and a BIG part. Unless you think sex is just for making babies, like I said. I AM married with two children and we place a big amount of importance on keeping that intimacy and spark alive. It’s just a sensitive subject because I know TWO marriages in my circle and in one, the woman just has no interest and in the other, the man doesn’t feel it towards his wife because she is overweight. They are MISERABLE and I have absolutely NO intentions of letting that happen in my marriage. In fact, I quite enjoy it!

Robert

February 27th, 2012
10:02 am

“I would be willing to do anything to keep things sizzling”

Robert Top 10
1. Take a day off from work together.
2. Plan a weekend get-a-way.
3. Pick-up the telephone and call each other just to say “I love you”.
4. Send flowers for no reason.
5. Share cooking duties and make dinner your personal “happy hour” daily.
6. Light scented candles and drink wine in the bathtub/jacuzzi.
7. Take a long drive to “anywhere” and stay in a hotel/motel.
8. Make a weekly date to meet at a restaurant/bar for dinner or drinks.
9. Listen to music (old school) or watch TV on the couch together.
10. Talk and listen to each other as much as possible.

Lady~

February 27th, 2012
10:03 am

But it IS a part of it and a BIG part. <<<<That it is Ruthie! ;)

Lady~

February 27th, 2012
10:07 am

Having someone wonder where you are when you don’t come home at night is a very old human need ~Margaret Mead

Blackfoote: The Real Blackfoote

February 27th, 2012
10:07 am

Lady I like all the intimacies you listed. For somebody to say let’s do this one at 10:06 will make me find a door to exit from. Single people that are working on promotions or projects should concentrate on that alone and not putting somebody on a clock or calendar.

Lady~

February 27th, 2012
10:09 am

For lack of an occasional expression of love, a relationship strong at the seams can wear thin in the middle. ~Robert Brault

Lady~

February 27th, 2012
10:09 am

Lily

February 27th, 2012
10:12 am

@Red Blooded American
February 27th, 2012
9:54 am
I don’t think I’d date or marry Lily. I get the feeling she’s as cold as a witch’s teetee.

Sorry to disappoint your post doesn’t carry the sting you intended. I’m not up for bid. That makes your lack of interest towards me is nil. I have a SO and am happily and sexually fulfilled :)

Blackfoote: The Real Blackfoote

February 27th, 2012
10:17 am

Heeey Lily,

They come out from time to time. Great follow up.

Lily

February 27th, 2012
10:18 am

@Blackfoote: The Real Blackfoote
February 27th, 2012
10:17 am
Heeey Lily,
They come out from time to time. Great follow up.

I believe the correct term would be TROLL? You are correct!

abc

February 27th, 2012
10:24 am

You don’t have to schedule it. You have to both be willing to make your partner your priority, such that when spontaneity brings it on, you drop whatever you’re busy with and pay attention to each other instead. All that other stuff is just a job, a hobby, whatever it is — this person is your partner. Pay attention to them.

Else, as others have noticed, someone else will.

Red Blooded American

February 27th, 2012
10:29 am

Fulfilled is all relative. If “once a month, for five minutes, only in missionary and don’t say anything during it” equals fulfilled with someone, then knock yourself out. I’ll take the next bus, thank you very much. Your hubby may be getting the Mae West treatment “I love married men. I just send them home in the morning.”

kimmie - the original :)

February 27th, 2012
10:30 am

Blackfoote – Suppose you are already in a relationship with someone and it’s going great, but something, a project or whatever, comes up? Are you going to just drop them for however long the project lasts or are the 2 of you going to find a way to make both work, the project and the relationship? Actually, how a person handles such can be a great gauge of things to come. I’ve seen couples work thru things, like one may have a sick parent they have to spend a lot of time with thru the illness, for example. It’s not just work projects that make one not as available. Everything is not going to be smooth and perfect all the time, like you want it. We would all love to be able to drop everything and do whatever we want spontaneously all the time, but there are going to be times when it’s just not possible. They say you make time for what you want – well scheduling is a way to make time. It’s the bumps in the road that let you know if the 2 of you are going to make it for the long haul.

Leggs

February 27th, 2012
10:36 am

Good morning!

Lily we just had a good class yesterday in Human Growth on intimacy and you are so right it is much more than sex……. – I’d like to think there are more who know this than those who don’t!

To schedule time has it’s benefits with schedules are so conflicting. However, scheduling can also take out the fun in sexing. It can feel like one “chore” especially if the scheduled time rolls around and you simply aren’t in the mood. To have sex purely to satisfy another and not yourself will soon feel like “bad sex” and your partner will sense “you’re really not into it” and then more problems arise.

Lady~

February 27th, 2012
10:39 am

hmmmm easy said than done somewhat leggs lol

kimmie - the original :)

February 27th, 2012
10:41 am

Am I the only one that took this scheduling thing to be a temporary solution for a limited period of time and not a lifestyle change?

abc

February 27th, 2012
10:43 am

Besides, maintaining life balance such that you don’t run out of time for your significant other is a big deal. I’m all into the balance thing. When one of us gets too busy, or gets under excessive stress from all the other stuff, we make sure and tell each other about it, and we expect some prescriptive action to be taken. It’s part of our commitment to each other.