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Too cynical to date?

I’m sure you already know this but there are a lot of bitter single people in this city. After so many dating games and dating misadventures, some people tend to become cynical.

What’s really ironic is when you are lucky enough to meet someone who won’t run game and act shady, what happens? Some people question it!

A guy calls when he says he will, and she wonders if he is too eager. I woman wants to do special things for a guy and suddenly she gets tagged as desperate.

I know we all have some battle scars, but how do we stop being so bitter and cynical about it?

What do you do to stay optimistic and hopeful?

How do you know when to take a risk on someone and still be cautious?

By Wise Diva, Misadventures in Atlanta Dating Blog

233 comments Add your comment

Purple

February 21st, 2012
7:36 am

Great Topic Today

Lady~

February 21st, 2012
7:51 am

Good Morning MIA!!!!

Lady~

February 21st, 2012
8:02 am

I had a really good post and it didn’t make it through! lol smh

CoolShadow

February 21st, 2012
8:22 am

A guy calls when he says he will, and she wonders if he is too eager. A woman wants to do special things for a guy and suddenly she gets tagged as desperate.

I refer to people who engage in that as contrarian cynics. No matter what you do, no matter how appropriate, harmless, thoughtful, or considerate your actions are, they will be met by second-guessing and sideways looks with an assumed ulterior motive. You have to prove your trustworthiness to people to gain their confidence but when proving yourself becomes a perpetual obstacle course with no finish line or progress attained, it’s time to move on. They have a total lack of distrust in people and it’s easier for them to not trust than to learn to let someone earn their trust because they rely on the law of averages for someone to fail them in their minds to justify their stance.

Tebow > Ryan

February 21st, 2012
8:40 am

I agree, CoolShadow. Why can’t people just be honest with themselves and with their partners? Why all the silly games?

Lady~

February 21st, 2012
8:43 am

Lady~

February 21st, 2012
8:44 am

ok that was two times I typed a post and it didn’t come through so I will graciously fall back and lurk! lol I get it ! smh

dkindig

February 21st, 2012
8:44 am

Ditto, Cool Shadow!

When I was dating I constantly ran into the phenomenon of starting out behind the eight ball. A large percentage of the time, it began with having to work overtime to prove that I wasn’t the other guys they had encountered in the past, at which point the real dating could begin (if it got that far).

I can’t tell you how many times I moved on because I felt like I was running the gauntlet and having to dispel the fact that I was going to do the same things others did rather than being evaluated at face value…

Me

February 21st, 2012
8:54 am

I agree. Great topic. Can’t wait to read the comments on this one.

Leggs

February 21st, 2012
9:01 am

Morning…

What do you do to stay optimistic and hopeful? = simply put, I know I’m a great person with a lot to give knowing it’s only a matter of time before I cross paths with one on the same page as I am. I strongly believe it will happen so I stay as positive as I possibly can. What I feel and believe is what I radiate.

Don’t get me wrong, I certainly have my moments by they are small in comparison to the big picture I have in my mind and heart.

SlimUno

February 21st, 2012
9:07 am

Good morning,

Looks like CoolShad summed it up pretty nicely. I surely hope I don’t turn into a bitter bumpkin from being out in the crazy dating waters…

disco

February 21st, 2012
9:08 am

good morning. well I am most definitely a self-proclaimed cynic (in the sense that I am skeptical/suspicious) though I adamantly deny being bitter (resentful). I’ve noticed that often we have to define things here.

how do we stop being so bitter and cynical about it? – you have to attempt to release bitter after each and every incident that might cause you to be bitter. you hear it time and again, take time to get right with yourself after a breakup before you put all those damaged goods back on the market. personally – I don’t take issue with being cynical. being cynical, to me, is like paying attention to your gut instincts. being cynical might save you a lot of drama. sure, you might miss out on something good but more likely than not you’ll avoid something bad.

What do you do to stay optimistic and hopeful? – I’m definitely more of a pessimist than an optimist. i don’t do anything in particular to stay optimistic and hopeful. I simply take each individual person and each individual circumstance for what it is. I resist allowing myself to be lonely enough or bored enough or desperate enough to settle. all I can do is get all cliché and think “good things come to those who wait”, “god time, not people time”, “if it’s for you, you’ll have it”. blah blah blah. in a nutshell – don’t sweat it.

How do you know when to take a risk on someone and still be cautious? – I am not much of a risk taker. you either meet eligibility criteria or you don’t. that’s not saying there’s not a wee bit of wiggle room but I’m certainly not trying to rehab someone.

Timeless

February 21st, 2012
9:13 am

Tebow > Ryan @ 8:40: Exactly! There are WAY too many games being played in the dating world and, in most cases, come between happy, fulfilling relationships (but then, again how would the media and relationship magazines make money otherwise)? :=)

Celisea

February 21st, 2012
9:16 am

Trustworthiness is after you’ve proven you can be trusted. That’s not by way of happenstance. There are a few actions involved in getting to that point. Consistency, being truthful, forthcoming, so forth and so on. I need to know you won’t lead me over a ledge. I’m certainly not going to trust you…just because you said you wouldn’t.

Sorry, it’s not cynicism if I don’t trust as a result of not having proven you’re trustworthy. Plainly, I don’t trust you.

Maybe we should define cynicism.

Mornng all……

Celisea

February 21st, 2012
9:27 am

being cynical might save you a lot of drama. sure, you might miss out on something good but more likely than not you’ll avoid something bad.

Exactly. I’m neither a pessimist or optimist. I’m a realist. And if paying attention will save me a lot of drama and heartache, then I’m all the better.

Lady~

February 21st, 2012
9:30 am

good post C 9:27!

Robert

February 21st, 2012
9:31 am

“What do you do to stay optimistic and hopeful?”

I was born and raised in Washington, DC which is a very different City from Atlanta. Black Women from all over the world come to DC to attend college and find a better paying job as well as seek a better quality of life. In DC quality Black Women are everywhere (Capitol Hill, K Street, Georgetown, etc.) and are eager to mingle and make new friends. Race is still the #1 problem in Atlanta (good old boy network) preventing Black Women from staying in Atlanta. I am “optimistic and hopeful” that good quality Black Women choose to stay in Atlanta rather than flee the South escaping bigotry, fear and hatred.

Leggs

February 21st, 2012
9:35 am

Celisea

February 21st, 2012
9:36 am

Robert Robert Robert….please step outside of DC. Every reference and problem and issue is not best resolved there. That’s not the only place with a supposed good dating pool.

Celisea

February 21st, 2012
9:36 am

disco

February 21st, 2012
9:40 am

celisea – and I wasn’t going to point out southeast, Anacostia and all the straight up hood types in the district. it’s not all Georgetown and capitol hill for sure.

Lady~

February 21st, 2012
9:41 am

like really disco! so true!

Celisea

February 21st, 2012
9:45 am

disco – Exactly. I’ve been to DC a few times…have relatives there. I’m wondering how Robert missed it all….lol

Robert

February 21st, 2012
9:48 am

@Disco – I am from East of the Potomac River and “Bama’s” like you could not make it on that side of town.

Mr_NYC

February 21st, 2012
9:50 am

Because you’re cautious does not make you cynical. IMO cynics assign malicious or ulterior motives to kind gestures without good reason.

Robert

February 21st, 2012
9:52 am

1. I am “optimistic and hopeful” that good quality Black Women choose to stay in Atlanta rather than flee the South escaping bigotry, fear and hatred.

2. Black Women do not have to settle for baseball caps, blue jeans and sneaker wearing ATL clowns and bama’s.

Lady~

February 21st, 2012
9:53 am

0_o well sir!

Lady~

February 21st, 2012
9:54 am

Mr_NYC good post!

Leggs

February 21st, 2012
9:54 am

Celisea

February 21st, 2012
9:57 am

Yikes

Good post Mr_NYC

disco

February 21st, 2012
9:58 am

Robert – well I’ll be. name calling so early in the morning. your being from the east side of the river might explain your fascination with those K street women.

leggs/celisea – I know. don’t start none, won’t be none.

Robert

February 21st, 2012
9:59 am

@Celisea – For Black Americans (Men & Women) Washington, DC is the best place in the USA to live, work and play without hatred, fear and bigotry. Georgia ranks next to last. That is a Fact!!!…

Robert

February 21st, 2012
10:00 am

@Disco – You must like the 14th & K Street men who are for sale just like the women on the “Block”.

Celisea

February 21st, 2012
10:02 am

Robert, my dear….bigotry and hatred is universal. DC couldn’t hold us all if we ran there to escape. The best place to live is where you are. Due diligence in fighting the fight of hatred and bigotry is needed all the time, in all places…everywhere.

Anyway, what does that have to do with dating???

Blackfoote: The Real Blackfoote

February 21st, 2012
10:03 am

If she’s cynical and I’m transparent, I’m getting out of Dodge. Some men and women are wound too tight and need to loosen up and relax. I’m not saying let your gaurd down, and no one wants drama. Being terse/curt every single time, will get you left behind.

Good Morning:

Leggs

February 21st, 2012
10:04 am

@disco ~ I’m over here saying “please don’t blast him, disco, please don’t” (lol).

Lady~

February 21st, 2012
10:04 am

I can’t even lie I have always wanted to live the DC life and live in the suburbs on Maryland….I have very close immediate family who live and work and both places……..they seem to live well and play hard……it even seems through the recession although some lifestyles have changed they have remained afloat….speaking of family yall…….atlanta was close to my hometown and cheaper………..i won’t lie hell out of fear I settled for Atlanta! shrugs! LOL

Mr_NYC

February 21st, 2012
10:05 am

<>

Regarding this — it is normal and human to some extent, since our past experiences affect our view. I see the challenge in how MUCH you question it. If you’ve been slapped in the face 8 of 10 previous times, yes, you are going to wonder. However, one should also look at what part their own gullibility (hope it’s not a made up word) or lack of common sense played into being played for a fool. Were you really worked over by a smooth operator or were you just recklessly buying into b.s and then want to claim folks can’t be trusted.

Lady~

February 21st, 2012
10:05 am

I still fantasize about being a lobbyist in DC!!!!!!! DC is unique in its own way!

Lady~

February 21st, 2012
10:08 am

@Mr_NYC I was typing something like that earlier and it never came through but great post for 10:05

Were you really worked over by a smooth operator or were you just recklessly buying into b.s and then want to claim folks can’t be trusted. <<<<< I noted I have been apart of both of these phases! One truly knows what they are dealing with and why. it is so easy to blame but it starts with self as to what you want and willing to deal with!

Leggs

February 21st, 2012
10:08 am

Washington is the capital of debauchery! Georgetown, K Street, L Street. Every city has it’s section of Simpson Aveune, even Stewart Aveune (in case you aren’t familiar with those streets, Rodney, they’re bad…)

Lady~

February 21st, 2012
10:10 am

you are right Ms Leggs! that is the truth.com that is what loses me with the DC assessment but I do get his point but Robert can be so crass sometimes lol waving @ Robert! ;)

Blackfoote: The Real Blackfoote

February 21st, 2012
10:10 am

Hey Lady:

I hope not the Monica Lewinsky style. j/k

Leggs

February 21st, 2012
10:10 am

Meant Robert….

Leggs

February 21st, 2012
10:12 am

Oh boy, I think Ex was just called to participate (play).

Lady~

February 21st, 2012
10:12 am

wow Blackfoote its like that?!? hmmmm hello and of course not sir!

disco

February 21st, 2012
10:12 am

leggs – I pondered it but thought I’d respond in a low key, not quite so confrontational manner. why take all of you innocents through it. who really cares after all?

lady – I’ve lived and worked in the dc area. like all places it’s got it’s good and it’s bad.

mr. nyc – I like that question. were you really worked over by a smooth operator or were you just buying into bs? I like to believe folks are buying into bs. I can’t imagine there are men out there who have game that is that tight. (don’t get riled up fellas. I know some of y’all got game but dang some of the stuff these women fall for is beyond good game, in my opinion).

Leggs

February 21st, 2012
10:13 am

Sorry, not necessarily bad, but definitely HOOD….

Blackfoote: The Real Blackfoote

February 21st, 2012
10:13 am

I know y’all aren’t referring to me but I’ll wave back at ya.

Leggs

February 21st, 2012
10:14 am

@disco ~ I know for certain you pondered which route to go. You did good!! No need to stoop down, keep walking tall (esp. w/virtual strangers).