A Good Wife?
I believe there are a lot of single women who think about what kind of mate they want to be. I know I have thought about it from time to time. My ideas about what I think would make a “good wife” does not always align with those of the men that I date.
Whenever the topic of marriage or “wife” duties come up, I always perk up and pay attention to what guys say. They usually have very specific things they believe a good wife should do. Always makes for an enlightening discussion!
This is probably a good discussion to have when you are serious. I think a lot of married couples are surprised when they realize how much they differ from their spouse’s expectations of a husband/wife.
What really informs a man’s idea about what makes a good wife, though? What informs a woman’s idea about what makes a good wife?
What do you think is most important?
By Wise Diva, Misadventures in Atlanta Dating Blog
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267 comments Add your comment
kimmie - the original :)
January 31st, 2012
1:41 pm
mark – Different strokes for different folks. Newsflash/memo to YOU – there are plenty of MARRIED women out there that can’t boil water and their husbands are happy. If that’s what’s important to YOU, then go for it!
Lady~
January 31st, 2012
1:44 pm
indeed Kimmie! plenty
Celisea
January 31st, 2012
1:54 pm
We need a “what works for you filter” on this blog. So many come with their “matter of fact” stance and really that applies to your life and what works for you. Just because it’s what you believe or need or prescribe to doesn’t make it the rule of thumb for another.
Lady~
January 31st, 2012
1:57 pm
but C isn’t that understood or does it really come across as blog ladies you need to do this?!? I really don’t take it like finger pointing but I see how it can be. If its not a direct comment to a specific person its general in my eyes……rhetorical i know
Lady~
January 31st, 2012
2:01 pm
the guy I have a date with tomorrow believes heavily that his wife should cook and maintain the house and she will be taken care of…..it went over my head at start but I pondered it more…….aren’t mate suppose to compliment needs and wants. No I won’t be in the kitchen 24/7 but if I embrace him I know from the start cooking is a need for him right?!?
Celisea
January 31st, 2012
2:03 pm
Lady – Most of these cats coming on with advice and saying what definitely won’t happen if you don’t do things how they believe is what they believe is the rule of thumb. You just saw ole boy but in all caps a woman that can’t/won’t cook won’t get married. For him, he believes this but that’s just not so true. I know plenty folks married and she don’t cook. I know folks that eat out 80% of the time.
Or the morning trolls that come on and base their life events or happening and all that’s gone wrong as the measuring stick for others. Not so. Most times, folks that’s posting one sided stories should probably take a long gander at themselves.
I know when I’m wrong, I know when I’m not. When I’m wrong or have made something go awry I’ll admit. I won’t be blind to say it was all him. But when I’m not and it’s a matter of standard and principles, I’m not going to take down or take it back but I won’t be warped in believe that’s how all should do it. Be confident in your experiences if you know you’re right (no matter what the other party says, thinks or call you). Hand that experience over. If others can extract, great if they can’t don’t get mad and say they’ll always be that or the other.
Celisea
January 31st, 2012
2:05 pm
Excuse my typos….most times when I have them, my mind is running so fast and I’m typing as I think. Seriously.
Lady~
January 31st, 2012
2:05 pm
I feel you sis! Thanks for seeing my POV too!~
Willie Dynamite
January 31st, 2012
2:07 pm
Afternoon All,
Ladies, I am a little bit disappointed. You guys took it easy on Fredo, Relatively speaking.
Celisea
January 31st, 2012
2:07 pm
Heeeey, the new year just started…I’ve gotten a couple of client dinners already….yah
I’m excited about this one. Japanese in Gainesville, GA….I’m hyped and always happy to eat on their dime. Shameful I know.
Lady~
January 31st, 2012
2:10 pm
free food rocks! lol well sometimes smh
Fred
January 31st, 2012
2:14 pm
It has been enlightening reading the comments on my plight. On the one hand, some of you jump to conclusions and say things that are really off the wall and not germane. By the same token, it is hard to convey this entire situation in a few blog posts, and you don’t know me or her, so it’s a difficult venue to really get good, relevant advice.
Anyhow, I am a very objective person. I can almost always see both sides of an issue. I am not one to make a quick judgment. I really think things through before making a decision. One nice benefit of this style is that I rarely make major decisions that I later regret (my first marriage being the exception).
So although some of you feel I am a chump, effeminate, and other unsavory words, lol, I think hearing many viewpoints is helpful.
It is very difficult to be objective in relationships. We’ve all had friends who were being jerked around by someone but could not or would not see it. And that drove us crazy.
So, while I feel I know this person very well, spending most of our non-working time together for the past 5 months, and I tend to take the blame for things rather than think the other person is “crazy” or manipulative, I am open-minded enough to recognize that I may not be able to recognize when I am wrong.
So, here’s a few more points for consideration for any who want to give me more thoughts. My girlfriend’s name is Gina.
- Gina’s parents abandoned her when she was 12. She was raised by her grandmother and later her aunt. She seems to have a huge fear of abandonment.
- Gina has been divorced 2 years. Her 17yo daughter moved out to live with her father. She now lives alone for the first time in many years.
- Gina got a her first and only DUI a year ago, and just had her court appearance and guilty verdict in October, about a month before she moved in. DUI convictees drive with a suspended license for 6 mos to a year. She cannot drive anywhere but to work.
- After her daughter moving out and her DUI conviction stipulating that she could only drive to work, Gina went through a very tough time, probably a major factor in her wanting to move in with me.
- Gina did not immediately seek male relationships after her divorce, and does not seem to need a man to make her complete. She seems capable of independence from male relationships.
- Gina has many friends but not any close friends.
- Gina is easily embarrassed by anything negative in her personal life and thus doesn’t talk to her girl friends about any of our fights or struggles. This strikes me as bizarre based on my knowledge of women.
- Gina is very intelligent and beautiful.
- Gina is very direct and not very diplomatic at times. She can be quick to lash out and say something accusatory, when it would be better to say it in a more diplomatic way and recognize there may be two sides to the story.
- I have had several heart-to-hearts with Gina to tell her how I feel on various subjects.
- Whenever Gina feels that I am losing hope for our future together, she panics. Last week, she went home to spend the night for the first time. She went to work the next morning, but spent the afternoon/evening at home, sick to her stomach, throwing up because of our struggles. She later said she wished at times that she were dead. That is very uncommon and she does not appear suicidal and never has been suicidal. However, it is scary (flattering, but scary) how attached to me she seems to be.
- Given that, Gina is not a pushover, due to her direct personality. She will not do anything just to make our relationship work. However, if I push back hard enough, she seems to come around. I usually feel she concedes the point to make things work, not because she really understands and agrees with my point.
Lady~
January 31st, 2012
2:16 pm
wow Fred!
Lady~
January 31st, 2012
2:17 pm
she is having panic attacks fred!
Lady~
January 31st, 2012
2:19 pm
I know a great therapist who can assist Gina Fred if you want to introduce professional counseling for her. it is difficult seeing the ones you love suffer at their low points. I am an advocate for you both now! Thanks for sharing!
Purple
January 31st, 2012
2:36 pm
Fred, only you know what works for you. If you are in it for the long haul more power to you. A lesser man would have left her with those issues a long time ago. But hey…you are staying and working it out for your own reason. Do what you feel and not what the blog tells you to do…It is only you and her in it.
Celisea
January 31st, 2012
2:39 pm
He asked for advice!!!!
Celisea
January 31st, 2012
2:40 pm
Gheesh
GlammourGirl
January 31st, 2012
2:41 pm
Fred…if Gina is really private like that, she probably wouldn’t want her business put out there like that. I hope your name really isn’t Fred and people she knows aren’t reading and putting two and two together.
Leggs
January 31st, 2012
2:42 pm
“…but if I embrace him I know from the start cooking is a need for him right?!?” – I think all women should go into a relationship with this on the agenda…even if you don’t know how to cook, learn.
@Fred ~ please remember, you called yourself a chump first. Something isn’t right with your relationship but you have to admit, the way it started wasn’t conducive to everlasting…
Another thing, Fred, that DUI will have far lingering negative affects than you can imagine. She’s in for a rough ride emotional and mentally. Her divorce, her daughter going to live with her father and a DUI, she’s tinkering on an emotional meltdown. Please know she’s sabatoging herself right now because it’s all she knows to do…
Lady~
January 31st, 2012
2:42 pm
yes ma’am leggs!
disco
January 31st, 2012
2:43 pm
and to humpback on kimmie’s married women that can’t boil water – I also know plenty married women that keep some nasty A houses.
celisea – re he asked for advice. why did I envision a little child getting chastised but quick to point out that it wasn’t their fault. he started it…
Lady~
January 31st, 2012
2:44 pm
leggs I pulled 4 things mentally that she is dealing with and her affect is LOW! she needs object help seriously……….
Leggs
January 31st, 2012
2:44 pm
However, it is scary (flattering, but scary) how attached to me she seems to be. – Why are you in the slightest flattered, especially since she doesn’t trust you? You may not be this, but I read that you are an “enabler” simply because you too need to feel needed, wanted and be the fixer of things for her.
Willie Dynamite
January 31st, 2012
2:45 pm
smh
Lady~
January 31st, 2012
2:46 pm
I was wondering the same thing made me question Fred silently…..that is a turn on?!?
Celisea
January 31st, 2012
2:47 pm
disco – Me too. I’ve seen more nasty homes than I care to remember and dudes seem plenty okay with it. I’ve been told that a man won’t stay or deal with the nasties, I guess by somebody’s rule of thumb not so.
disco – LOL..I’m just saying insinuating Fred is getting pounded to death when he not only kicked the door opened but have pretty much given his life story. It’s a given by now if you put it out there, it’s fair game. May not be nice but don’t act like it’s something mean cruel and foreign.
Velonese
January 31st, 2012
2:48 pm
I was abandoned at child birth Fred, I have been on my own since the age of 15 worked full time and went to school same with collage, granted I don’t have good family skills but I turned out ok. I guess it’s different for everybody that goes through abandonment, I credit my peers who gave me crap growing up that gave me the strength to rise against my opposition, but maybe that’s because I am guy. Anyway good luck with that woman brother, you got a double wopper with cheese there.
Leggs
January 31st, 2012
2:48 pm
@Fred ~ you know I’ve been off all day today (not really), but I get the notion that you are strengthened when you have a “broken” person to take care. Gina’s hurt is deep, and the fact that she let herself down is something you may not be able to tap into, no matter how much assurance you give her.
Celisea
January 31st, 2012
2:50 pm
And Imma just hush now because I know I’m probably getting called a meanie out in lurkersville
Lady~
January 31st, 2012
2:51 pm
*objective*
Willie Dynamite
January 31st, 2012
2:52 pm
maybe Fred should introduce Wilma to Velonese. IJS
Lady~
January 31st, 2012
2:53 pm
0_o
Lady~
January 31st, 2012
2:53 pm
a margarita is needed after today~ Be Easy good people!
Celisea
January 31st, 2012
2:54 pm
LOL
Me
January 31st, 2012
3:11 pm
Fred, get PROFESSIONAL help for Gina and yourself.
Fred
January 31st, 2012
3:11 pm
Dang ya’ll, I also forgot to mention a huge one…Gina found out she has herpes about the same time in October. Talk about a bad month. I learned a lot about herpes, enough to know that it can be treated for life with few outbreaks/effects. But imagine how hard it was for me to hear that from her.
Now ya’ll really do think I’m just nuts for sticking with this chick. But I really care about her.
But I am NOT an enabler and will end the relationship if things aren’t working.
But if I DO end the relationship, I feel a great sense of responsibility to make sure she is OK. If that is “enabling”, so be it. But given everything that has happened to her, she is at risk, as “lady” has noted.
I have suggested counseling for her/us and I think she is open to it. She has been to counseling in the past for depression when her sister died around 20 years ago and was on an anti-depressant for about a year which she says helped her greatly. She also went to marital counseling a little with her ex.
No, these are not our real names.
Willie Dynamite
January 31st, 2012
3:15 pm
smh, does the term ‘jumped the shark’ mean anything to you Fred?
Willie Dynamite
January 31st, 2012
3:16 pm
dang, I need a drink now.
Celisea
January 31st, 2012
3:16 pm
Okay I’m done….Fred is yanking y’all chain and today’s entertainment. I’m sorry I’m coming off as incompassionate but I’m not believing this. If I was Gina, I would be angry having all my business put out there.
Willie Dynamite
January 31st, 2012
3:17 pm
Cel – If you were Wilma, you’d be looking for a sponsor as well.
GlammourGirl
January 31st, 2012
3:18 pm
I’m with Celisea. He can’t be for real…
Fred
January 31st, 2012
3:18 pm
@ leggs – you said “I get the notion that you are strengthened when you have a “broken” person to take care. Gina’s hurt is deep, and the fact that she let herself down is something you may not be able to tap into, no matter how much assurance you give her.”
You know, it’s been hard getting her to talk about her feelings. She buries them. Her daughter leaving is the biggest one, and she will rarely talk about it. Maybe counseling is the answer.
I really did not enter into my post-marriage dating life looking for someone broken. But I am a very giving person. I dated 25 women (mostly one date, some 2-3-4) before meeting Gina. Some clearly had issues like this and I just wasn’t going there. Most of the things that have happened to Gina have happened since I’ve known her. So now I’m in this relationship with someone I care for who has problems. Who doesn’t? She has more than most.
I won’t stay in the relationship to fix her problems.
I also won’t abandon the relationship because she has problems.
Celisea
January 31st, 2012
3:22 pm
Willie – LOL…you are sooo right about that…lol
Exactly GlammourGirl
Whew Lawd…this blog can be a trip
disco
January 31st, 2012
3:23 pm
celisea – my thoughts exactly. however, chain yanking or not there are some folks out there who are willing to accept diseased folks into their lives. I know a lady – we’re casual acquaintances more than friends but she tells all her business. anyway she got involved with a guy who made his herpes known up front and still she just had to have him. now my code name for her is outbreak.
Willie Dynamite
January 31st, 2012
3:24 pm
moving right along
Cel – sooooo you wanna talk about Miami?
kimmie - the original :)
January 31st, 2012
3:27 pm
Fred, you’re getting deeper than this little dating blog can handle or is designed to cover. This blog is to discuss lighthearted “misadventures” in dating and relationships.
Willie Dynamite
January 31st, 2012
3:27 pm
Disco – I think you ought to take one for the team and go out with Fred. He needs a 180.
Purple
January 31st, 2012
3:29 pm
Fred, herpes….really? If this is true me thinks you have low self esteem.
Celisea
January 31st, 2012
3:29 pm
Willie – I need a Fred….seriously.
Not much to tell on Miami. That was an expensive well planned trip. Not much time for shenanigans, unlike the conference the year before and other trips. They had us on a tight leash. In conference all day the first day and Davito’s reserved for my company later that night. We didn’t leave there until about 11:00 on a bus chartered to take us there and back. The next night, bowling at the lanes where the Kardashians hung out. And again the bus chartered took us there and back. I did break away though for a minute with my counterpart and we walked down to the Kardashian’s store. Of course he left out of the hotel later on and didn’t come back until about 4 a.m. The third day, Habitat for Humanity. We stayed at the Viceroy, breakast provided, lunch (all days) on the roof….yada yada yada…but not shenanigans.
The year before in Orlando…….now THAT was when folks was getting drunk and out on the town.