accessAtlanta

City & State or ZIP Tonight, this weekend, May 5th...
City & State or ZIP
City & State or ZIP Tonight, this weekend, May 5th...
City & State or ZIP

Dating: Afraid to show true colors?

I have a friend who has extreme anxiety about “letting it all hang out” with her man. The lengths that she goes through to put her “together” side front and center seems a little exhausting! I am much too lazy to do all that for a guy. Why are many of us afraid to show our true colors to the person we are seeing?

Obviously, we all date a person’s “representative” on the first couple of dates. At some point though, you have to drop the pretense and be your authentic self. Who wants to get up at 5:00 am and put make up on for a guy? Why would you spend loads of cash on a woman when you are on a budget to save money?

Have you ever had a difficult time being yourself around the person you are seeing?

Have you ever noticed when the person you are dating finally “relaxed” around you? Did it make a difference?

By Wise Diva, Misadventures in Atlanta Dating Blog

126 comments Add your comment

Into the Light

January 30th, 2012
8:02 am

(ITL turning on the lights and the coffee pot)

Morning, all! Happy Manic Monday.

I understand the topic, as I’ve seen it in action, but I don’t understand why people do it. How can you really get to know the person you are seeing, if no one is being real?

Lady~

January 30th, 2012
8:09 am

Good Morning Morning! :)

Yes filtering through a Representative can be challenging and confusing. And the lengths some go through to put on is reprehensible.

It does take some time to get comfy in their own skin through some not good things about them but at the end of the day you are who you are and the next person be it mate, friend, colleague, family member have to come to terms with your true being and either meet you where you are or not deal at all.

Mr. Unknown

January 30th, 2012
8:10 am

Good Morning
I think we all do it to a certain extent. Some people go years without relaxing and showing their true colors. Thats why alot of guys are afraid to get married. Its the myth of the transforming bride, she is one person before getting married, somebody totally different after the wedding. I don’t know how true that is but I heard the war stories.

Dude

January 30th, 2012
8:12 am

Mr. U
No myth
It’s natural for guys to be a little unreal to begin with, we have to put on this front to even get a woman’s attention, the hardest part is getting your foot in the door.

Into the Light

January 30th, 2012
8:12 am

Hey Lady~!

Sooooo, (if I may ask) how’d it go yesterday?? ;)

Dude

January 30th, 2012
8:15 am

Ok, here is a little wisdom that my office came up with.
You fight for a girlfriend.
You fight because of a wife.

Take it how you want to.

Lady~

January 30th, 2012
8:24 am

ITL it didn’t and I am glad! This topic is so on point. As I stated I am not dealing with foolishness. In the virtual world you can shux and jive and talk a good game but when held accountable you are either going to follow through and align with what you preach or flake out. It seem he had some he had more uncertainty with meeting me face to face than he let on. The first issue was he wanted to meet at his home. Not a real big deal but I did put it out there we can meet any where to take the pressure off with the home meet n greet and he never followed up. The next thingy was the time frame. This past weekend I had classes all weekend long (Fri 6-10, Sat 9-5, & Sun 9-3) and he knew my schedule. He had his son this weekend and I knew that. So Sunday comes and its about 1sh and I ask whats the plan of action bc I thought we would meet in after 3 per se. So he stalled on that a bit and finally said 6. So I agreed then I get a follow up text saying well any time after 7 works and what would I like to drink. The expression on my face was like dude who is meeting you @ 7pm at your house?!? Not I said the cat. So there was my loop hole to shut down that foolishness quick. It just seems he was preoccupied and that is OK but as I knew from the start and happily kept my distance we are in two different places and on slightly two different pages. That is fine too. The silver lining is I recognized early on and didn’t put myself out there to rip and rip to something that I am not interested in long term. Everyone’s time is valuable and it is no need to try and meet someone where they are and that are not making it a priority on there end.

Funny you ask ITL bc I certainly texted my homie Ms Leggs to update on that foolishness! LOL

I am good though no love lost! ;)

Into the Light

January 30th, 2012
8:31 am

WOW! This topic is right on time, huh, Lady??

Sorry he turned out to be such a flake, but better to find out now…. :)

Lady~

January 30th, 2012
8:34 am

Yes ma’am! Early is better! This was insight for me.

Into the Light

January 30th, 2012
8:37 am

And that is how we learn, building on insight and wisdom from our experiences. :)

Lady~

January 30th, 2012
8:37 am

Mr. Unknown

January 30th, 2012
8:41 am

@Lady, was it more of a lack of communication on his part. Sorry I don’t know the entire story I’m just jumping in..

Lady~

January 30th, 2012
8:46 am

Mr. U I am not sure what it was but he was never definitive with the meet n greet. As I mentioned Sunday’s communication with him seem uncertain vs. our previous conversation via phone or online. I am looking at it (correct me if I am wrong too) If you want to meet someone you will make it happen without a doubt. And if there were some difficulties then you state them vs just leaving that area of assumption. First and far-most he wanted me to come to his home and that never gelled with me and I put it out there earlier for us to meet somewhere I I got nothing. So where was the compromise? I just feel it wasn’t thought out and the time came and he had nothing.

Lady~

January 30th, 2012
8:49 am

So where did I go wrong men?!?

Mr. Unknown

January 30th, 2012
8:53 am

@dude, Yeah at the begin everyone wants to highlight their best side. But the question becomes when is to soon to let your guard down and be open about your flaws or vices. I dated a woman two months before I found out that she smoked.

Dude

January 30th, 2012
8:53 am

Briefly looking over the post, I would say you are over thinking things. The guy was trying to be generous by asking you what you would like to drink, if he doesn’t drink the same thing as you. Looking into things too much, I would say that particular question was more geared to trying to be a good host.

Lady~

January 30th, 2012
8:56 am

Dude the drinks were not the issue. the issue was I wasn’t going to his home and we never discussed that. Sure impromptu is cool but after stalling a bit throughout the day I just wasn’t feeling going to his home. I am not apologizing for that. We can get drinks anywhere.

Leggs

January 30th, 2012
8:58 am

Good morning.

Without reading any of the comments, why even bother not putting your true self out there??? It takes too much work representing that which you are not. I’m not saying you don’t have to present the best side of who you are, but if you’re only representing the side of you that is ALWAYS put together and that’s not really the case, you’re a fraud. No one is ALWAYS put together. We all fart, burp and drool.

Lady~

January 30th, 2012
8:59 am

It just seemed awkward the later the day got chatting with him……..I’ve met plenty of folks from offline so I wasn’t scared its just something there that is not adding up..

Rob

January 30th, 2012
9:06 am

@UNKNOWN-PATIENCE WILL REVEAL DECEPTION BUT A REAL NO MAKE,MESSY HAIR,THAT TIME OF THE MONTH TRUE COLORS RELATIONSHIP IS BUILT WHEN YOU CAN DEMONSTRATE THAT YOU CAN LOVE HER THROUGH IT ALL.

Leggs

January 30th, 2012
9:07 am

@Lady ~ you have me laughing already. Like I said, meet and greet at the home right out the bat is not a good thing. His furniture issue was trifling at best. Virtual dating you can certainly shuck and jive, dish out boo coo compliments left and right only to waver with an actual meet and greet. These jokers are just that, Court Jesters!!!!!

Lady~

January 30th, 2012
9:10 am

I thought it was just me! O_o Thanks Leggs!

Lady~

January 30th, 2012
9:12 am

I didn’t tell the blog folks about the furniture thingy but anyway like I said we are in two different places and no I am not meeting him where he is. been there done that. I want more and I won’t apologize for that.

SlimNu

January 30th, 2012
9:15 am

sneaking in peeking around the corner before bossman comes back

Ssssshhhhhh, my boss is here from PA so I won’t be able to trip out with yall all day. :cry: Anyway, you know you’re getting comfy when ya start letting em rip in front of each other or when you actually start taking a dump at his/her house. How’s that for comfort…

Mr. Unknown

January 30th, 2012
9:19 am

Lady Oh ok, I would say never meet and greet at the home. For most men its a test to see how far your willing to go or how easy it would be to try to get sex without having to spend money. There are a lot of free first time meet and greet places to go.
Example the mature me would give you details as to what is going on during my day, so if I have to change a time or reschedule your in the loop as to why. Most guys would go out of their way to make a good first impression.
The early 20 something me don’t really care about your feelings, all you need to know is that I want to meet up with you later today with a drink in my hand.
There are always two sides to a story, you can always pick his brain and ask what was he thinking yesterday. Put the pressure on him and let him know that he left a bad first impression. If he is interested he will make up for yesterday, if not he fold up like a tent.

Lady~

January 30th, 2012
9:23 am

Thank Mr. Unkown! Your assessment is so on point and those are my thoughts! I like the part when you mention “What were you thinking yesterday” It seem like night and day behavior and you know I observe behavior closely.

Lady~

January 30th, 2012
9:24 am

Mr. Unknown that is…..sorry about that! ;) (spelling)

Into the Light

January 30th, 2012
9:26 am

Nice post, Mr. U.

Mr. Unknown

January 30th, 2012
9:26 am

*will fold up like a tent. Sorry in class. Rereading everyones comments.

disco

January 30th, 2012
9:27 am

good morning.

slim – you reminded me of the episode of girlfriends where joan was waking up early and driving to lynn’s house to take her morning dump so she wouldn’t have to go at the boyfriend’s house. too funny.

personally – I don’t do too much of that representative stuff. I’m me and that’s it. you like me or you don’t. am I on good behavior? sure, I’m pleasant but I’m not faking the funk. in fact, I like to discuss the negative early. the way I see it, everyone is cool with the good and have issues with the bad so let’s both talk about what’s wrong (or perceived to be wrong) with us right up front.

Lady~

January 30th, 2012
9:27 am

yeah I am working on something too and blogging so excuse all errors

Lady~

January 30th, 2012
9:29 am

and he is 34 Mr U so age is no true sign of maturity………..sheep in wolf clothing as I mentioned last week the physical attraction is there but I refuse to let it lead me……..

Lady~

January 30th, 2012
9:32 am

& just bc he sent flowers last week doesn’t mean I let inconsistent behavior slide. accountability is key.

Betty Wright explains flowers very well! LOL

HST

January 30th, 2012
9:54 am

I have never dated a woman or even back to my teenage years that wasn’t herself. Personally, I’d find out quickly if they were or weren’t being themselves. I have a GF that I’ve been seeing for twelve years. It took her ten to fart in front of me. Furthermore on topic, I’ve never had a girl that looks 100% after some sleep. I’ve never had a “morning girl” (as in – she’s as happy as I am in the AM) and much less one that is ready at waking. If anything, I get frustrated waiting for the process to be done. Today’s modern woman really has a lot to do to be fab.

I have small things I always look for in the beginning. The condition of her car, how she treats her purse, her hair and how much “girl clutter” she has. I would never take a woman seriously as a significant other until I see her house and how she lives.

Mainly because I could care less, I am always myself. I think a lot of confidence comes from being financially independent. My biggest barrier is finding a woman who understands my passion for cars. Not simply possessing them but really driving them as well. Not many people understand, relate, enjoy and drive automobiles as I do. Whenever I drive it’s an expression and I always approach driving as such. In the beginning, I don’t show my collection of cars and I certainly don’t drive 150 out of the gate. I’ve also lost many cool dates because I pull up in one of my nicer cars and she automatically puts me in a player’s position. I have a second garage at the back of my property so it’s easier to put off at first. I’ve learned my lesson about showing up in a car that I just simply enjoy. I do hide that I’m a modern day Cannonballer and my passion for cars at first. However, by the third date or whatever activity we do it’s in a car that I enjoy. If by that point she doesn’t understand it’s a passion or get it…she’s out.

FTR, I have several buddies (from the car scene) who will mislead about their station in life. I have friends who have exotics but can’t pay their mortgage on time monthly. Some of my buddies outwardly look great but really they’re a mess and one step away from bankruptcy. They usually date younger naive women. I really feel they do this because of their own maturity level or a woman of their age would see right through their front…it’s so PATHETIC.

Exiled!

January 30th, 2012
10:04 am

Funny Lady!

the flowers were for him to soften u up and then he gets some on the home meet! :lol:

yeah,wolf.. wolf :lol:

On topic:

We are never ourselves in the beginning men or woman..for the most part.

Like Slim says..until we good to take a Dump at his place.

But as for me I will take a dump anywhere! your home included.

Lady~

January 30th, 2012
10:06 am

Hey Brother Ex! :)

kimmie - the original :)

January 30th, 2012
10:07 am

Morning All!

Lady – Hands down, no meeting for the first time at either homes. You totally did the right thing. He was messy!

Topic – I would like to say I’ve always been “myself”, but it’s only natural to want to make a good impression on someone you are interested in. So I would say I’ve been myself, but I just didn’t “let it all hang out”. That’s how I measured my connection to a man – one I felt comfortable being myself around and felt relaxed around. It’s always never been a matter of me being phony or stiff, just whoever made me feel relaxed, like I’ve known them awhile even though we might have just met. Some people are able to give you that feeling and some never do.

SlimNu

January 30th, 2012
10:09 am

Seems like dating used to be waaaaay more fun when I was younger lol

disco

January 30th, 2012
10:12 am

every thing reminds me of tv – you’d think I was glued in front of the box. as to kimmie’s letting it all hang out. made me think of the movie holiday heart with ving rhames when they made the toast “here’s to letting it all hang out – in private”.

Lady~

January 30th, 2012
10:13 am

Thanks Kimmie! ;)

Mr. Unknown

January 30th, 2012
10:14 am

@ Rob can’t love through everything. @ Lady There had to be more than just the Physical that lead you to want to go out with him, right? I can’t throw buddy competely under the bus without knowing the full extent of his behavior. Consistency is a huge deal, hell I just learn what that truly means when dating and being in a relationship. Thats why I chose not to date right now,not until all my ducks are in a row again. I’m 34 and have a new found respect for what life throws your way. I was going through life without a back plan, being inconsistant with my projects ect… I can’t be the pack leader in my houshold and expect getting that type of respect without alot of those keys that were missing for me. Consistency, communication, passion for life goals.
Nobodys perfect but you can be something like it.

Anyway hasta luego good people. Have a good one. Sorry didn’t have time to proofread what I just typed. Ha!

Lady~

January 30th, 2012
10:21 am

you right Mr U it wasn’t all the physical he is good people but as I state and felt we want two different things and actions will prevail no matter what or why you are attracted to someone. The truth will become evident and its on the parties to mesh or leave it be. I get your point though sir I am not bashing him or throwing him under the bus I just wasn’t interested in his actions yesterday and I didn’t see it through

Lady~

January 30th, 2012
10:28 am

I am far from perfect but I am more consistent that I have been~

abc

January 30th, 2012
10:29 am

Soon as I realized that the chick hadn’t been acting as herself, I’d be history. I can’t be anything but my ‘authentic self’. I don’t really get all the fronting. What’s the point? She want’s a Bentley, I don’t think me showing up as a Civic with a Bentley badge is going to fly, and vice versa.

People want what they want. Let them have what they want. Everyone’s the same in that regard, even me.

kimmie - the original :)

January 30th, 2012
10:31 am

I think confidence and self-assurance is a key part of being yourself with someone. You have to have faith that what you have to offer is enough and truly accept yourself. If you can’t accept yourself, how do you expect someone else to? Once I became truly comfortable in my own skin, I realized I had a lot to offer, so there was no need to hide out or be undercover. Either I’m your cup of tea or I’m not.

Wise’s friend that’s jumping thru hoops to present this image for her man is insecure with herself. A poor body image can do that. One not feeling confident with their station in life and what they have achieved can do it to. Showing someone who you really are is a lot more than feeling comfortable taking a dump in front of them. I’m married, but I’m not a crude person and I don’t believe in just putting bodily functions right in my husband’s face just because we are married. That’s lack of respect and a little TOO comfortable, if you ask me. We’re not animals.

Lady~

January 30th, 2012
10:32 am

Once I became truly comfortable in my own skin, I realized I had a lot to offer, so there was no need to hide out or be undercover. Either I’m your cup of tea or I’m not. <<<<<<AMEN Kimmie!

I hinted on that earlier!

Lady~

January 30th, 2012
10:51 am

slow monday huh…..I just tackled my major task for today! I am ready for a social week with some down time….this past month has been fast paced………….

Fion

January 30th, 2012
11:10 am

@Lady
8:49 Post So where did I go wrong men?!?I’m coming in late. Read your story. I hadn’t read what others may have said.
Listen baby, you ain’t did nothing wrong. That’s just some Regular Garden Varity BS.
It’s dudes like that that give the game a bad name. Straight Buster.

Lady~

January 30th, 2012
11:13 am

yep Fion and thank you so much for that sir! ~much respect! ;)

Leggs

January 30th, 2012
11:16 am

Cold Cut Artist – Full Force (Valentine gift = LaFace tickets and something else I don’t remember)…(404) 741-1075