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Relationship dynamics: Protection or control?

I attended the Branford Marsalis and Joey Calderazzo Duo performance this weekend. It was a truly fantastic night of live music that drew a very diverse crowd. I had such a great time!

I happened to notice (because I’m nosy when I want to be!) a woman and her man/husband/bodyguard nearby. They were standing very close to one another. What I first thought to be sweet affection started to look more like overprotective man with his woman. I tried not to roll my eyes when he had to stay by her side as she walked to the bathroom. Seriously?

I know I’ve been single for a hundred years, but when did it become necessary to guard your woman this much? I do love the idea of being protected and taken care of by men. I just wonder at what point does it cross the line into domination territory?

What are the signs that the person you are seeing is too controlling?

Some women like to be dominated and encourage Alpha male behavior. I always find it interesting how the dynamics play out in a relationship, though. Are men happiest when they retain the power? What are your thoughts?

By Wise Diva, Misadventures in Atlanta Dating Blog

113 comments Add your comment

Mr. Unknown

January 23rd, 2012
8:38 am

Are men happiest when they retain the power? One word, YES!! Not to the point where I would follow you to the bathroom but I do have the need to be the leader in the relationship. Something that was passed down from Grandfather to father to me. We need to continue to teach our young men how to be assertive and have a take charge type of attitude. But I think your speaking of the extreme version of the alpha male. A very insecure person that feels the need to control for fear of being cheated on or ect..

Good Morning all!!

Dude

January 23rd, 2012
8:43 am

Power is an illusion when it comes to a woman anyhow, so why worry about it, they have the power all the time anyways. They have what we want, and when it comes to arguements a woman can always find someone that will take her side, even if she is wrong, I gurantee you that even Casey Anthony is still getting laid when ever she wants. So does a guy like feeling that he is in control, yes, is it really true, no.

When did it become necessary to guard your woman this much? Not really needed in a good relationship, if a guy is that worried that the chick is going to leave all that time, he’s better off without her, if a chick sees that type of behavior, it only gets worse, run.

Do I find it a turnoff when women are so needy that I can’t have a conversation with other women or friends without pitching a fit, yes. If I am with a woman, then she is my world and I won’t betray her, I expect the same treatment, but I am not going to follow her around and kiss her ass to make her feel that she is protected 100% of the time.

KaiserSoze

January 23rd, 2012
8:51 am

Just a thought, perhaps this woman had been a victim of an assault or other crime or at some point and has actually asked him to stay with her and escort her. Stranger things have happened.

The woman I’m currently seeing is very independent, and I doubt a relationship would work with her if I were the type to constantly watch over her, but if she ever asked me to stand beside her or escort her someone in order to feel safe you can be sure I would stick by her side.

Lady~

January 23rd, 2012
9:04 am

KaiserSoze love your second paragraph!

SlimNu

January 23rd, 2012
9:08 am

Looks like many SO’s are holding our blog citizens hostage this morning.

As far as the topic goes, I want to feel protected but not controlled. I don’t want to feel as if I am unable to be trusted if I’m not within his eye-sight. I want a companion, lover, friend and not an Ike Turner. ;-)

Mr. Unknown

January 23rd, 2012
9:09 am

What are the signs that the person you are seeing is too controlling? When he or she pops out of the bushes wearing camouflage asking you why you are not at work. When he or she is constantly patrolling your facebook page looking and reading your comments. Shoot there are a lot of signs, lol.
Question: Do sensitive men get run over by women? I over heard this woman clowning her guy for crying.

Dude

January 23rd, 2012
9:13 am

Men don’t cry, only reason a man should cry is if he is hit in the face with tear gas, then it’s alright, btw that feels like a hot pepper is sitting on your eyeball.

SlimNu

January 23rd, 2012
9:16 am

Mr. U – Yeah you are right, there are plenty of signs of a too controlling person. lol

SlimNu

January 23rd, 2012
9:21 am

I know a guy who cries alllll the time. The person that dated him, initially thought it was cute and touching but then she noticed he would cry over almost anything. He also was a coach at a middle school and even cried once during practice. Needless to say, this really threw the kids for a loop. :???: (to make matters worse, he cried at the following practice when he was apologizing for crying at the previous practice) :lol: :shock:

SexyCool

January 23rd, 2012
9:28 am

The woman that was clowning the man that is currently in her life has no respect for him.

I say that he “is currently in her life” because he won’t be in her life for very long if either of them are smart. Lack of respect is death to a healthy relationship.

Back to the salt mines…

disco

January 23rd, 2012
9:30 am

good morning. mr. unknown I am most definitely that woman that would clown the heck out of a guy for crying without what I consider a good reason and for me that good reason would have to involve death, near death and maybe birth. dude can’t be crying just because he missed his barbershop appointment and they couldn’t squeeze him in. heck, I can’t even tolerate women that cry too much.

Mr. Unknown

January 23rd, 2012
9:33 am

@ Dude, yeah Never been hit with tear gas before heard its a beast. @ Slim Thats a clear man law violation. Wow!! I heard Jerry Sandusky use to cry at practices too..

Leggs

January 23rd, 2012
9:41 am

Good morning.

I like to be protected, not controlled. The difference is when you at first let me handle whatever may be going on, and if I can’t diffuse the problem, I can confidently come to you. To control me and my every step will only have me butting heads with you. My emotions will become stagnant and one of us will be pushed off the cliff.

Mr. Unknown

January 23rd, 2012
9:44 am

Side note. Single women, Hell all parents teach your young sons what good touch, bad touch means.

SlimNu

January 23rd, 2012
9:52 am

Mr. U – What prompted that?

Mr. Unknown

January 23rd, 2012
9:56 am

My Jerry Sandusky comment..

SlimNu

January 23rd, 2012
10:05 am

Mr. Unknown

January 23rd, 2012
10:07 am

@ Slim I think we talk about what we would do if someone was to ever do something crazy like that. But we don’t talk about how to prevent it. I personally never had that type of talk when I was growing up playing sports. You leave your sons in the hands of people that you have to trust But as in the Jerry Sandusky case you just never know what type of people your kids are surronded by.

disco

January 23rd, 2012
10:17 am

mr. ? – I’m not trying to be contrary but I find myself constantly reminding folks that stranger danger isn’t the bigger issue. most times the immediate danger is right up under the parents’ noses be it the other parent or significant other, a sibling or the drunk uncle at thanksgiving dinner. I know people who spend way too much time and energy worrying about their local sex offender registry and not paying nearly as much attention to their friends/family.

SlimNu

January 23rd, 2012
10:24 am

Mr. U/disco – That convo probably happens or is geared more so to our little girls that with little boys. But the times have changed and it’s not just little girls that are in danger but boys too. And like disco said, it’s probably more frequent that a person the kids knows abuses them than a stranger. In my case, it was a family member that, not only, got ahold to me but to two of my other cousins as well.

Audra

January 23rd, 2012
10:28 am

“en don’t cry, only reason a man should cry is if he is hit in the face with tear gas”

Dude – really?? I think it takes a strong man to show his feelings, and I respect that. Now, he doesn’t need to bawl all the time or over silly stuff, but when something is serious – illness, death, loss of relationship, etc., hell yeah it’s okay for a man to cry! Men need to get over that “men don’t cry” b.s. We are all human.

As for when you know that it’s controlling – I dated this dude one time who followed me home after a date (without my knowing), just to make sure I went straight home. Turns out, I stopped at the gas station for a Coke. He went nuts, confronted me, wanted to know who I was meeting there, etc. Now that’s controlling! Also psycho. Needless to say, he was dumped.

There are more subtle forms of control – not approving of your friends, always wanting them all to yourself, etc., and women and men both do it. All I can say is this – if you’re with someone like that, run like hell! That’s just insecurity and it’ll get worse with time, it could even turn into an abusive situation. I speak from experience.

Leggs

January 23rd, 2012
10:32 am

Antenna immediately goes up when a man wants me completely to himself and attempts to distance me from my friends.

SlimNu

January 23rd, 2012
10:34 am

I once overheard a convo regarding being too controlling. Apparently, when either the hubby would go out, the wife required him to take a picture to prove he was where he said he was. :shock:

disco

January 23rd, 2012
10:34 am

I won’t go so far as to say tear gas but I will say that a grown man in my sphere who is crying for a reason other than my “pre-approved” reasons needs to cry outside of my presence. in my presence opens him up to some straight clowning and I will clown.

SlimNu

January 23rd, 2012
10:36 am

I just want to say i’m so grateful that i’ve never dated an overbearing controlling or abusive guy.

sn: It is COMING down over here and I did not bring my lunch today. My little car will be floating in this rain trying to go get something. I hope is calms down by lunch time. :-(

kimmie

January 23rd, 2012
10:42 am

Morning All!

Wise, I think that might have been a special situation with that lady at the concert, like Kaiser said. At least I hope that’s what it was!

Yes, it’s a big difference between control and protection. It does not take a rocket scientist to know the difference.

Yes, there are women that like the controlling jealous types. They recognize that as love. I know of couples like that. Hey, whatever floats your boat!

Me personally? I’m a grown woman. I grew up and left home many years ago, able to take care of myself. My parents cut the cord a long time ago. I had a great dad, but I’m not looking to replace him. But at the same time, I expect my man to BE the man and be the protector of the household and of me & the kids. I respect my physical limitations.

Leggs

January 23rd, 2012
10:43 am

“…who is crying for a reason other than my “pre-approved” reasons….” – now, that just doesn’t sound right, disco. You can’t determine the “constitution” of a man and how something will affect him. Something totally out of your realm of thinking can occur to bring this man to tears and because it’s not one of your pre-approved reasons, you may shut him down or think of him as some weak arse punk???

disco

January 23rd, 2012
10:44 am

leggs – I’m not claiming to be right. I’m just saying there’s some crying I can accept and some crying that I can’t.

Willie Dynamite

January 23rd, 2012
10:52 am

Morning All,

Good topic that I see alot of blurred lines in some relationships (outside looking in). The actual notion of protection very rarely actually comes into play. However, The feeling of being protected is a major major major decider in starting/continuing most relationships. A woman has to feel protected or feel that a Man can protect her. The blurriness comes in when that protection crosses the line into being controlling. This aspect most often times shows up early in the dating phase but is either shooed away or just ignored. This in turn causes the behavior to grow and grow into quite a monster.

Leggs

January 23rd, 2012
10:54 am

Ok disco so you see there may be some flaws to your list?

Jake a.k.a. SPJ, TWB

January 23rd, 2012
10:54 am

Disco, don’t apologize, you are right…There are pre-approved reasons that a dude can cry, but he should be choking it back as best as possible…(death, birth, holy spirit, loss of a car, dog died, etc…) all that sniffling is against the rules.

As a man you are not allowed to publicly display those types of emotions, if you must have a MOMENT, go somewhere alone!!

disco

January 23rd, 2012
10:57 am

jake – trust me I wasn’t apologizing. heck, I’ll clown my own father, son, brother if I catch any of them crying for nothing. heck, I’m a woman and I don’t cry all willy nilly. like I said, in my opinion, one needs a reason for crying.

has anyone ever had the protection angle come into play only to discover that their mate had no backbone? as a woman I recognize that a man has more physical strength however there have been times when I was positive that I was the “tougher” of the two of us.

SlimNu

January 23rd, 2012
10:58 am

A woman has to feel protected or feel that a Man can protect her

No one wants to see her man get punked out by someone…just not a good look. Sort of reminds me of Kevin Hart when he talks about if a dude slapped his lady he would immediatey assume she must’ve deserved it lol

SlimNu

January 23rd, 2012
11:00 am

Jake – Loss of a car is an acceptable reason to cry???? That seems so random, so does that mean you’ve shed a tear over a car?

My ex cried when his house got broken into…they ransaked that place.

Leggs

January 23rd, 2012
11:06 am

@Jake ~ I wasn’t asking for an apology. It just sounded closed-ended to me. Was just curious if he cried from a reason she didn’t think of would it sit well with her.

Jake a.k.a. SPJ, TWB

January 23rd, 2012
11:07 am

Slim- No I haven’t, but a lot of us have semi-obsessions with our vehicles, especially when you do a rebuild and bring a ride back to life…If something was to happen to man’s restoration project he has a right to drop a tear…like that Chevy commercial when the son’s get dad’s old chevy back, and he welps up at the sight and says, “thats my car, how did you” and starts choking up….totally acceptable…lol

disco

January 23rd, 2012
11:08 am

leggs – one guy told me he cried watching an American idol performance. I talked about him just for sharing that with me. it would have really been something if I’d witnessed it.

kimmie

January 23rd, 2012
11:15 am

I don’t take issue with a dude crying, let’s say, at “expected” times. These times would be understandable for a grown woman as well. A dude that is comfortable enough with his manhood to show emotion at “expected” times is alright with me. If my husband cried at an unexpected time, I would want to understand why. Maybe something innocent triggered a bad memory.

What I could not tolerate is a dude like Slim mentioned, that cried all the time or just showed himself to be a wimp. I can be a little teary at times, but I keep it to myself. I don’t need some dude worse than I am around.

Leggs

January 23rd, 2012
11:17 am

Hey, some of the songs and if performed properly can bring you to tears, especially if the memory behind the song is a powerful one. It could have been his mother’s favorite song growing up??? :lol:

SlimNu

January 23rd, 2012
11:18 am

Jake – Gotcha ;-) In the past, i wasn’t much of a crier but nowadays, when things move me, I tear up. :cry:

Leggs

January 23rd, 2012
11:19 am

Cold cut artist – Freddie Jackson = tickets to circus (our circus).

disco

January 23rd, 2012
11:21 am

I’ve got a cousin. a 40 (or so) year old male who is a crybaby. it’s the family inside joke. when someone says he called them whining and crying we know it’s not a figure of speech but that he was literally bawling on the phone. nothing cute about a child that is a crybaby but a grown man… take him out to pasture and put him out of his misery.

leggs – he did give me some back story (I think the singer’s fiancé was in an accident or something) but he should have known going in that I didn’t/wouldn’t care about the backstory.

Willie Dynamite

January 23rd, 2012
11:24 am

Disco walks in the house and her Man is crying;

Disco – whats wrong Baby?

Mr.Disco – Just found out My big sister has Cancer and they giving her 3 mos to live.

Disco – (checking her updated 2012 pre-approved crying list and sees that only little sisters are on the list) you mean Gloria Jean your 60 yr old sister.

Mr. Disco – yeah that one

Disco – (Turns around with a scowl on her face) Nugga (smack) if you don’t get yo azz up off the floor (smack) and stop all that (smack) crying. Man Up that bish 60 yrs (smack) old she knew better than to smoke them damn (smack) Newports.

Mr. Disco – (sniffling and ducking) But baby she only got 3 mos.

Disco – Well in 3 (smack) months then yo azz can cry (smack) for a few mins and it betnot (smack) be round me.
Disco – (walking away talking isht) using up all my good tissue, what he thank Kleenex grow on trees.

SlimNu

January 23rd, 2012
11:25 am

Ooooh, I want to go to the circus…too bad I’m on a conference call and can’t participate in the contest :-(

disco

January 23rd, 2012
11:26 am

willie D – you gone make me lose my job. stop it!!!!

SlimNu

January 23rd, 2012
11:36 am

Leggs

January 23rd, 2012
11:44 am

@disco ~ when was the last time you were in love??? Rather, the last time you were in a committed relationship?

Leggs

January 23rd, 2012
11:48 am

@WillieD ~ think you nailed it. :lol: :lol:

disco

January 23rd, 2012
11:48 am

leggs – just recently ended 3 year relationship because of “daddy’s little girl” issues (man still supporting adult daughter).

Leggs

January 23rd, 2012
11:51 am

Oh yeah, that’s right. I remember you lamenting here.