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Why do men hate to be alone?

This NY Times article posed the question: Why do men hate to be alone? Initially, I didn’t agree that was the case, then I remembered that out of my divorced friends, the men seemed to be quick to have a full committed relationship, some even remarried right away.

While my never married male friends seem to relish the perks of bachelorhood, when they leave long term relationships, they seem to feel a void. They go through this “nestling” phase where they want the first woman they find attractive to start playing house and fill the void. It’s basically the worst case of rebound girl ever.

Maybe men really do hate being alone? Well, hate it more than women do! Are women more resilient when it comes to being on our own?

There was one part of the article that struck me, though:

A marriage is a lot of work. Strike that. A man is a lot of work. Anyone who has been in a bad marriage knows that its defining characteristic is the unspeakable loneliness in which one feels shrouded, a sense of isolation amplified by not being alone.

If women enjoy their freedom so much after a long (bad) relationship ends, is it because being in a relationship brings a lot of “work” for us? Do most women feel as if they have embarked on a vacation after they divorce or break up?

What do you think? Who handles single life better?

By Wise Diva, Misadventures in Atlanta Dating Blog

233 comments Add your comment

Randyt (made it past the needy stage and dayum glad)

January 13th, 2012
11:53 am

@ WD sometimes what I say may seem extreme, but somewhat just making a point.

I have to admit I have seldom seen men hanging themselves from bridges just because they have lost a lady (although sometimes they do…a little extreme I think. I hate to seem callous, but it really irritates me when some dude loses a job and or a lady, and then climbs on one of the bridges downtown and threatens to jump. Then ties up traffic for hours. Dayum dude, if you want to off yourself okay, but not there dayum it).

kimmie

January 13th, 2012
11:53 am

Slim – It’s gonna work out, I just know it. Claim it!

Randyt – Congrats to your daughter!

SlimNu - Deflated, defeated, back to sq1

January 13th, 2012
11:55 am

swiss – Have you had the chance to read this article about your alma mater? http://blogs.ajc.com/news-to-me/2012/01/13/uga-ranked-2nd-in-aspiring-sugar-babies/ :lol:

SlimNu - Deflated, defeated, back to sq1

January 13th, 2012
11:56 am

kimmie

January 13th, 2012
11:58 am

I have to admit I have seldom seen men hanging themselves from bridges just because they have lost a lady

Randyt – I don’t see many women doing it either. In any case, it’s usually not just losing the woman – laid off or fired from the job, house is foreclosed on and bankruptcy filed, on TOP of losing the woman. When it rains, it pours sometimes, and some folks are able to handle adversity better than others.

GracieL

January 13th, 2012
11:59 am

I think it has more to do with one’s propensity to be co-dependent than with gender, but…. from what I’ve seen (and I’ve seen a LOT), I have to agree with Diva that it’s more common in men coming off coupledom than women.

Maybe it’s because being a single woman in my 40’s, I frequently find myself in the company of newly-divorced (or widowed) men. Even though most of them are glad to be out of their marriages (and bore me with endless yammering about how awful she was, and how much they LOVE being independent now), they are used to having someone there to listen to their boring work stories, and other banal daily minutia. Some even copy me on emails for business issues I care nothing about because they NEED that sense that somebody, somewhere, knows and cares what they’re feeling right now.

It just does not occur to me to get THAT personal that quickly. I’m okay if the man I’m dining with does not know every detail of my day. I’d rather discuss shared interests, goals, or insightful funny stories. While they claim to love their rediscovered freedom, they definitely feel the loss of what they obviously took for granted.

Willie Dynamite

January 13th, 2012
12:01 pm

Slim – Hang in there lil mama. Now you know what it takes and its in front of you. Get back to work.

RandyT – gotcha, but dayum man you went to a place that most of us are not willing or comfortable to go.

Randyt (made it past the needy stage and dayum glad)

January 13th, 2012
12:01 pm

@ SlimNu, lol, just read that article you posted to swiss. My question is does one get a higher quality of “lady wanting a ride” if it is a private school rather than a public one. I mean would the lady have to offer a really great “ride” if she wants tuition at NYU rather than public school? I mean, when being a “sponsor” does one get what one pays for right? (JK)

SlimNu - Deflated, defeated, back to sq1

January 13th, 2012
12:03 pm

A chick previously dated 2 guys that were hot off the press from a divorce. They both spewed the fact that they just wanted to have fun, they didn’t want to jump into another serious situation, and one even stated they didn’t see themselves even considering marriage for at least 3yrs. His behind was re-married within the next year…to someone else after she had been there with him as he went through the divorce process.

GracieL

January 13th, 2012
12:06 pm

SlimNu,

Yep. Being the rebound chick is NOT worth it!

Randyt (made it past the needy stage and dayum glad)

January 13th, 2012
12:06 pm

@ Gracie…painful but almost 100% accurate. There are reasons for not dating for awhile after a relationship…and one of the most important is so one doens not bore the hellz out of someone new and interesting.

In a smarter world, one needs to totally flush the toilet, before doing business again.

Leggs

January 13th, 2012
12:07 pm

@SlimNu ~ some men just need that “transition” chick. He knew from jump that’s what she would be to him, unfortunately for her.

SlimNu - Deflated, defeated, back to sq1

January 13th, 2012
12:08 pm

Randy – LOL good question but a person wanting YOUR money regardless if she’s going to a private or public school is still a chick wanting Your damn money. Maybe it makes the sugar daddy feel better about who he’s investing in.

i'm swiss

January 13th, 2012
12:10 pm

@Slim — I had not seen that, but it’s not surprising. The chicks outnumber the dudes there by a pretty wide margin & most of them are pretty hot. Ahhh, college days… :lol:

By the way, what’s up with you? Why deflated? Need me to come give you a blow? :lol:

Randyt (made it past the needy stage and dayum glad)

January 13th, 2012
12:11 pm

Sorry WD, I guess I did violate several MLB rules today ;-)

Celisea

January 13th, 2012
12:11 pm

What is going on with my computer and this site??? I’m giving this post a try

Randyt (made it past the needy stage and dayum glad)

January 13th, 2012
12:15 pm

LOL @SlimNu…

(Randyt now thinking about getting a ’sponsor’ to pursue a higher dgree himself. That rich sponsor (read cougar) might be really old though. Anybody here ever see that scene with Woody Harrelson in “Kingpins” where he has to “work off” his rent?…GGGAAAGGGGGGG).

Celisea

January 13th, 2012
12:20 pm

SlimNu - Deflated, defeated, back to sq1

January 13th, 2012
12:20 pm

one needs to totally flush the toilet, before doing business again. Wow, never heard it put this way but makes perfect sense. I might have to steal that from ya!

Gracie/Leggs – I would very weary or basically not even take a guy seriously that just got out of a long relationship or marriage for this very reason. They are only looking for an ego boost post-breakup but after he get’s his bearings, he’ll be off to the next stepping stone.

WD – Yeah, I hear ya loud and clear. I’ve already shed the tears i’m going to shed over it, now it’s time to get back to business.

swiss – I would take you up on your offer to ‘fill me up’ but I think i’ll pass. Thanks though :lol:

NY2GA

January 13th, 2012
12:35 pm

Honestly, if you can’t stand to be alone, then you have some real issues you need worked out. I am not saying I don’t enjoy the company of others, especially women, but nothing wrong with spending time by yourself, learning yourself, understanding who you are, reflecting, and shifting the focus.

Randyt (made it past the needy stage and dayum glad)

January 13th, 2012
12:47 pm

O/T Joran Van der Sloot sentenced to 28 years in a peruvian prison, and is supposed to pay some $78,000 to the family of the victim. I hope he meets lots of new “friends” in the shower there. The US is trying to extradite him for extortion, but I would rather they wait and let him serve his sentence there first. Supposed to be very “comfortable and humane” conditions.

Kym

January 13th, 2012
12:47 pm

We are all over the place I see. I was just wondering since someone mention suicide..that may be all of these murder-suicides could be related to the whole don’t want to be alone. We just had one to happen yesterday in Riverdale. I love hard..but not like that. And please no one has to love me like that either.

Leggs

January 13th, 2012
12:49 pm

@SlimNu ~ I stayed clear of newly divorced men, and never went next to a separated man. Too much drama and wounds probably still opened. I know there are issues, but I so disagree with someone being separated for 2+ years. Go sign the papers and end it or go to counseling and make it work. Whatever, just leave me alone.

SlimNu - Deflated, defeated, back to sq1

January 13th, 2012
12:53 pm

Leggs – Yeah I don’t understand those long separations. Sounds like they are either too lazy to go through the rigamarow or just aren’t ready to accept the finality of it all. I have a cousin that has not divorced his wife of less than a year lol…however, they’ve been separated probably going on 3yrs now.

Kym – Murder suicides are just plain selfish.

Willie Dynamite

January 13th, 2012
12:54 pm

Slim – Do you have a new target date for the next attempt?

kimmie

January 13th, 2012
12:54 pm

Leggs – The worst drama of my dating career happened with dudes recently out of relationships. I’m not talking a month out either, at least 4 months and that’s the very lowest. Average I would say about 10 months. Either way, drama city!!

I would be especially wary of dudes that constantly complain and badmouth the ex. He doth protest too much!! There is a thin line between love & hate. When you are truly over someone – you are just indifferent. Don’t hate them or wish bad on them, just indifferent.

SlimNu - Deflated, defeated, back to sq1

January 13th, 2012
12:57 pm

Leggs – I like to steer clear of the newly divorced, separated or guys with fairly young children (especially if the kid is still in newborn status lol)

Randyt (made it past the needy stage and dayum glad)

January 13th, 2012
1:02 pm

“When you are truly over someone – you are just indifferent.” Absolutely. If someone biotches to excess about ex, then the ex still has control over the guy/gal.

SlimNu - Deflated, defeated, back to sq1

January 13th, 2012
1:02 pm

WD – At this point, the process would start all over only and if a posting becomes available. I started the process for this announcement at the end of 2010 where I took the initial written test. I didn’t really hear much from them until well into June of 2011, then in August. Once it got rolling, it was like from 0 to 60. So i’ll just put an alert on the announcement board for anything else that comes up. I also took a written test for another position with a different agency with the goberment back in August. So far I’ve only received my notice of results which was a passing score. I have not heard anything from them since. (Nor has anyone else I know that took that test and passed it) So maybe I’ll start to hear back from them this year. At least i’ll be in better physical shape this time around. I will continue going to the gym. It’s just a bit disheartening to have gotten that far to no longer be considered. I actually had gotten called just this past week to do my video interview but I guess the fitness test results had not been received prior to that being scheduled. So I naturally assumed that I passed. Little did I know… (sorry for the long post)

Willie Dynamite

January 13th, 2012
1:12 pm

Slim – 10 pushups for that long azz post. hahaha. Now you at least know the process and if you stay ready you don’t have to get ready. Hope you get another look.

SlimNu - Deflated, defeated, back to sq1

January 13th, 2012
1:23 pm

WD – Aw c’mon mayne. Randy been violating all morning with his long azz posts. I’ll make him do my 10, how bout dat? lol But really, that’s my thinking. I’m going to be a Black GI Jane after a few more months with the trainer. I’m going to have to think long and hard about shaving all my hair off though and not sure the beau will enjoy rubbing my buzz-cut head too much either. :shock:

Willie Dynamite

January 13th, 2012
1:27 pm

Slim – quit snitching on the Tshirt man. Now as far as your Beau, didn’t you say he like your lil belly pouch. dayum buddy aint gonna have nothing to hold onto in a min.

Leggs

January 13th, 2012
1:31 pm

“if you stay ready you don’t have to get ready” – Yes Siree!!!

A coworker of mine who was sitting with me met another coworker in the auditorium for a meeting. The chemistry was INSTANT between the two of them. He sat with us. He was going through a divorce he didn’t want and that one sentence was her red flag and refused to pay attention to the instant attraction. She told him that she doesn’t try to get to know men who are in limbo (divorce pending). He said he would let her know when it became final. We would see each other in the halls sometimes or cafe always with warm greetings and kiss on cheek (yes, all 3 of us). Anyway, his divorce was final last month and he sat her down and told her about it. Way she told me was his first sentence was “My papers are final. I’ve burned all the items I needed to burn and put other items in storage.” Another sour taste in her month. She said she is no longer interested in him. She said she doesn’t have the energy to put into a man that is bitterly hurt. I don’t blame her.

SlimNu - Deflated, defeated, back to sq1

January 13th, 2012
1:33 pm

WD – Twice I’ve tried to respond. Blog monster bullying my posts WACK

SlimNu - Deflated, defeated, back to sq1

January 13th, 2012
1:33 pm

I’m not sure he actually likes my mini pooch as much as he likes making jokes about it or pointing out chicks on tv that may have one. But I’m sure once the washboard abs become more defined that he’ll forget allll about that mini pooch.

SlimNu - Deflated, defeated, back to sq1

January 13th, 2012
1:37 pm

Leggs – I don’t blame her because buddy said it was something HE didn’t want as far as the divorce goes. So it’ll probably be a loooong time for him to really be free & clear, mentally, to date again on a serious level.

Celisea

January 13th, 2012
1:38 pm

No way in the world I can go back to catch up. It been a busy day. Imma pop in after the day has slowed.

kimmie

January 13th, 2012
1:38 pm

Leggs – Don’t blame her a bit! Smart lady.

Blackfoote: From The Stairwell To The Penthouse

January 13th, 2012
1:42 pm

Leggs that’s what RandyT was saying all along, your guy friend don’t want to be alone. In reality he needs time to heal and re-establish himself and he is an example how guys can’t take be on their own for long. Should he get past being by himself, (the longer the better) all the talk about his former wife will be muted to very low levels.

Leggs

January 13th, 2012
1:45 pm

No one should get with another person days, weeks or even months after a divorce…heal yourself first. The next relationship just might last.

Blackfoote: From The Stairwell To The Penthouse

January 13th, 2012
1:47 pm

Speaking of examples, there are swirling rumors of The Terminator and Maria trying to work something out. Seems The Terminator don’t like (being alone) the single life too much.

SlimNu - Deflated, defeated, back to sq1

January 13th, 2012
1:52 pm

BF – Do you think it’s a matter that Arnold doesn’t want to be alone or he just doesn’t want much of his $$$$$ to leave with her? I hear those type deals leaves a guy much more than ‘lonely’. :lol:

Ms5

January 13th, 2012
1:54 pm

@Kimmie…your statement about women being choosy who they bring around their children, was and still is my exact feeling! I am extremely cautious/choosy on who I bring around my kids.

Kym

January 13th, 2012
1:54 pm

@Slim..Maria comes from old(Kennedy) money..she don’t need Arnold’s chump change..

Leggs

January 13th, 2012
1:56 pm

“Seems The Terminator don’t like (being alone) the single life too much.” Let’s rephrase:

“Seems The Terminator is realizing he isn’t as sexy or in demand as he believed himself to be.”

Randyt (made it past the needy stage and dayum glad)

January 13th, 2012
1:58 pm

I would guess Ahhnuldddd is lonely more than the money. Maria Shriver has a fortune on her own as an heir to the Kennedy fortune. Remember, this has to have affected his relationship with his children and no where has it ever been suggested that he doesn’t love them deeply.

Blackfoote: From The Stairwell To The Penthouse

January 13th, 2012
1:58 pm

LOL….@Slim1

If he’s smart which I think he is, that’s a lot of money to walk away from. People are compromising staying together out of fear they will collapse, lose children, and house if a spouse leaves.

SlimNu - Deflated, defeated, back to sq1

January 13th, 2012
2:00 pm

Regardless of her Kennedy money, what is better than money, than MORE money. I’m sure she’d want to be compensated for her years ‘of service’ lol

I’m surprised Michael Jordan is considering marriage again. There is probably going to be an iron-clad prenup too.

SlimNu - Deflated, defeated, back to sq1

January 13th, 2012
2:01 pm

Is it weird that any time someone posts about Ahhhnold, I always read it in his voice & dialect? :lol:

Blackfoote: From The Stairwell To The Penthouse

January 13th, 2012
2:02 pm

LOL….@Leggs

I tried to save him some face Leggs. Right RandyT I think he’s lonley more than he needs the money.