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Why do men hate to be alone?

This NY Times article posed the question: Why do men hate to be alone? Initially, I didn’t agree that was the case, then I remembered that out of my divorced friends, the men seemed to be quick to have a full committed relationship, some even remarried right away.

While my never married male friends seem to relish the perks of bachelorhood, when they leave long term relationships, they seem to feel a void. They go through this “nestling” phase where they want the first woman they find attractive to start playing house and fill the void. It’s basically the worst case of rebound girl ever.

Maybe men really do hate being alone? Well, hate it more than women do! Are women more resilient when it comes to being on our own?

There was one part of the article that struck me, though:

A marriage is a lot of work. Strike that. A man is a lot of work. Anyone who has been in a bad marriage knows that its defining characteristic is the unspeakable loneliness in which one feels shrouded, a sense of isolation amplified by not being alone.

If women enjoy their freedom so much after a long (bad) relationship ends, is it because being in a relationship brings a lot of “work” for us? Do most women feel as if they have embarked on a vacation after they divorce or break up?

What do you think? Who handles single life better?

By Wise Diva, Misadventures in Atlanta Dating Blog

233 comments Add your comment

Sassy Me...Juicy Fruit ;-)

January 13th, 2012
10:36 am

but is not having kids at nearly 40 a strike against me?

Audra, I wonder the same thing sometimes. When men find out my age, the next ? is always “Well, how many kids you got?” and when I say I don’t I get the :shock: Hell, my family STILL does it to me but I don’t plan on having children…wait… IF I got married and my husband DIDN’T have any children and wanted one then yes I would do it but other than that no I ain’t birthin no babies.

kimmie

January 13th, 2012
10:37 am

Randyt- Another thing. I think alot of younger men might not want a woman with kids because they want to experience that “first” with someone without kids as well. With some older men, they might not want a woman with young kids because their own kids are grown and maybe out on their own, so they’ve “been there, done that”.

Celisea

January 13th, 2012
10:38 am

Morning,

Nothing to add it’s all been said. I don’t necessarily agree with everything but hey I don’t have anythin got add so I won’t refute.

I’ll just say women handle singledom much better than men.

Randyt (made it past the needy stage and dayum glad)

January 13th, 2012
10:39 am

Not appeasing Exiled, just the Communications major in me coming out. I tend to believe the more men and women understand each other, the better they might get along. That said, there is still that problem that when men finally begin to understand women, they instantly change the rules…leaving men scratching their head and their azz trying to figure out “where did that came from? ;-)

Randyt (made it past the needy stage and dayum glad)

January 13th, 2012
10:40 am

@ Kimmie…very true.

Celisea

January 13th, 2012
10:41 am

Okay..that wasn’t said right…lol

Since I don’t have anything to add, I won’t refute what some of what I don’t agree with. Some I do but not all. Some of this is a but mushy it seems to me. It’s not just men dealing with issues and needing support. But I guess that’s why the woman is the bearer of children, the one that raises (in most cases). All this hold me and tell me this that and the other….women are burder bearers….truly.

Randyt (made it past the needy stage and dayum glad)

January 13th, 2012
10:42 am

You can relax Leggs, I’m running out of words so should be shorter for the rest of the day ;-)

i'm swiss

January 13th, 2012
10:50 am

Morning from LA.

Off topic: Just checked the weather forecast for ATL… Now why did you folks have to let it get colder than a witch’s titTAY right before I fly back???

On topic: WTF kind of BS am I reading? C’mon, man. Some folks are needy; some folks are not. And there are w@ngs & vajayjays in both categories.

Dude

January 13th, 2012
10:52 am

C-
Everyone think that they are the burden bearers, from the man’s side, what if he wants to spend more time with the kids? Unfortunately he can’t due to having the role of provider, if we are going the route of (in most cases), every case is different. Burden bearer is relative to each person’s own situation, and what position they put themselves in.

Leggs

January 13th, 2012
10:56 am

It’s all good Randyt…I like reading most of your posts.

Randyt (made it past the needy stage and dayum glad)

January 13th, 2012
10:59 am

Now swiss, are you saying that around that third or fourth week of doing without the ‘Lady’s’ attentions, you wouldn’t feel just a little needy ??? ;-) I tried doing without for awhile…worst four hours of my life.

Exiled!

January 13th, 2012
11:01 am

sorry for that monniker..

if women handled singledorm better why the ‘angry black woman’ term?

It came outa nowhere?

This is some bullshizzle right here!!

A lot of times we want to debug what society has already observed.

There are more women out there hurting(at least judging from the outside,that’s what we see) because ‘their’ man ain’t doing right by them,they are trifling and the woman is confused,they are emotional etc.

Women are definitely more emotional than men so how they can handle being alone more than the men can…well Randyt,that’s confusing to me.

But for those that are and doing it fabulously with no emotional hangups or therapy,more power to them.

cba

January 13th, 2012
11:03 am

About a year or so ago, one of my brothers told me that being alone was a b!tch!! He said it was frightening to wake up during the night sweating and heart racing and being alone. This particular brother has had more women than one man should be allowed (lol). He has been married twice, both ladies had children and both marriages probably lasted a total of three years.

He is now engaged to a 42yr old and he’s 60. I wish her well but I know my brother :-(

i'm swiss

January 13th, 2012
11:03 am

@Randy — There’s a difference between needing some pdussy and needing to “not be alone” though. :lol:

Leggs

January 13th, 2012
11:03 am

“if women handled singledorm better why the ‘angry black woman’ term?”

Because it’s a term probably a man invented because he couldn’t understand what was going on or couldn’t get what he wanted.

Exiled!

January 13th, 2012
11:07 am

Slim(deflated)

What heppenings? :lol:

kimmie

January 13th, 2012
11:08 am

Exiled – A woman doesn’t have to be single to be angry. Thats a term the media invented anyway. Anything to put down us ladies. We reject it.

Randyt (made it past the needy stage and dayum glad)

January 13th, 2012
11:10 am

@ Exiled…I can’t explain it other than maybe emotions do not always have to be shown to exist. Men think and feel too, just demonstrate it differently.

Celisea

January 13th, 2012
11:11 am

I’m having all kinds of issues today….tummy, computer, overdrafts…lol

On topic: WTF kind of BS am I reading? C’mon, man. Some folks are needy; some folks are not. And there are w@ngs & vajayjays in both categories.

Thanks Swiss….I agree

Dude – I agree it’s all relative and natually my window and your window will cast a different view. I don’t agree though it’s a position people chose or place themselves in.

Dude

January 13th, 2012
11:11 am

Well I am outta here, gotta a busy busy day

Randyt (made it past the needy stage and dayum glad)

January 13th, 2012
11:12 am

Now swiss, how does one get pudsy while alone? I know one way, but not necessarily by definition the same thing ;-)

Dude

January 13th, 2012
11:13 am

c-
I guess we can respectfully disagree on this subject, not trying to avoid the conversation, just hit refresh and saw your post.

Randyt (made it past the needy stage and dayum glad)

January 13th, 2012
11:14 am

(I’m thinking Exiled hit a nerve with the “angry black women” analogy…think I’ll edge a little farther away so I don’t get hit by a stray arrow, lol)

Exiled!

January 13th, 2012
11:14 am

Randyt..11:10

True,we show emotions differently so if one is angry and yells but the other is angry but is calm or calms before talking to the other party,who handled their anger better?

SlimNu - Deflated, defeated, back to sq1

January 13th, 2012
11:16 am

Exiled – Not what you’re thinking. I didn’t pass my fitness test, I got my “Dear John” letter and now it’s back to the drawing board :-(

Randyt (made it past the needy stage and dayum glad)

January 13th, 2012
11:18 am

@ SlimNu ???

Exiled!

January 13th, 2012
11:18 am

@Kimmmie..I didn’t say that(single) and honestly I don’t even know to which status of women it is applied to but I have heard of it.

My only observation was,why coin the term..what was the point?

Was there a pattern or it came outa thin air?

i'm swiss

January 13th, 2012
11:18 am

@Randy — Well, depending on how — ahem — blessed you are, you can get you dipstick wet from a greater distance… :lol:

But seriously, the implication, at least as I interpreted it, was that dudes are more emotionally needy, and that is some BS.

kimmie

January 13th, 2012
11:20 am

Exiled – It’s an ugly stereotype. Doesn’t matter where it came from. Please do your sisters a favor and drop it, okay?

Blackfoote: From The Stairwell To The Penthouse

January 13th, 2012
11:20 am

I like my freedom to do anything I choose, it comes with a catch at times loneliness. To me I/you can be lonely and still maintain a happy life as long as you know you can love again. Those Sunday through Thursday nights laying in bed and you wake up in the middle of the night and you’re alone give pause to ponder. We don’t care to be alone, and the toughest of men don’t feel shame admitting it knowing we are bearers and women are carriers of all of our emotions.

Exiled!

January 13th, 2012
11:20 am

Slim..I was thinking u were high before dark last nite,got some 3:30 AM and then the hunger deflated some after the Officer had put u to work!

Randyt (made it past the needy stage and dayum glad)

January 13th, 2012
11:23 am

@ swiss…’great distances”…..Well one of my legs is longer than the other two (okay that might be “stretching a little thing a long way” perhaps), lol.

I understand what you are saying swiss, but I’m not necessarily tying emotion (in the sense that we normally see it demonstrated) to need. Probably should, but not. Just what I have observed as far as actions…not sure of the causes.

SlimNu - Deflated, defeated, back to sq1

January 13th, 2012
11:24 am

Ex – My current state of mind does not allow me to respond to your silliness right now without being a bit brash. So with that old saying, “If you don’t have anything nice to say…”

Randy – Missed passing score by 2pts for the fitness test for this job i’ve been dealing with the longggg tentative process since last year.

Randyt (made it past the needy stage and dayum glad)

January 13th, 2012
11:26 am

re: “the toughest of men don’t feel shame admitting it knowing we are bearers and women are carriers of all of our emotions”. Interesting words. I’ve been there, done that.

Blackfoote: From The Stairwell To The Penthouse

January 13th, 2012
11:27 am

2 poinst sorry Slim1, I know that’s a drag when you invest so much time on something.

Kym

January 13th, 2012
11:27 am

@Slim…awww..sorry to here that..

Exiled!

January 13th, 2012
11:28 am

So Slim,what do u have to do,physically tonpass the test?

Blackfoote: From The Stairwell To The Penthouse

January 13th, 2012
11:34 am

Yeah RandyT I’m 20 years out of a divorce and went through the process, hopefully a divorce isn’t in anyone here thoughts. If it is for a guy you will feel the lonliness it’s human nature.

SlimNu - Deflated, defeated, back to sq1

January 13th, 2012
11:35 am

You’re scored based on how many of each individual task you have to do, which include push-ups, sit-ups, side-steps, 8-lifting/dropping cycles of 50lb crate in least amount of seconds, 5-minute step test in cadence. The push ups is what got me…oh well. I’ll keep going to the gym to build on my strength in the meantime.

abc

January 13th, 2012
11:36 am

Ya kiddin. As a man, I value my solitude, single or married. There aren’t any issues of loneliness. Why do you think most mature men don’t have that many male friends? Because once you grow out of ‘boys night out’, what’s the point, that’s why.

Loneliness is a matter of maturity. Once you grow up, you realize that the more solitude you have, the more centered and focused you can be on the things that matter to you. If you have a woman in your life, especially if you’re married, you have to stay centered and focused on her. Now, for lots of men (me included) this works great, with the woman I’m married to. But if not for her, I’d live alone, and value my solitude and time very highly, to the exclusion of chicks.

Randyt (made it past the needy stage and dayum glad)

January 13th, 2012
11:37 am

I’m sorry Slim. Hang in there though. My daughter has been so deflated about not finding a job in her college field since she graduated a year ago (journalism, communications, PR). She has taken and left several server/host jobs and thought she would never land anything real since she did not have experience. A week ago she left a hostess job at Ruth’s Chris and started sending resumes out in desperation. Tuesday she sent one out for a receptionist job at an OB/GYN clinic. The next day she got a call from them to come in and interview. Yesterday she went in for an interview and was agonizing about answering phones with a Bachelors degree. The lady took her back, and told her what they wanted her for was to fill a “Marketing and PR Assistant” position and what they saw was her video, writing, and editing experience. So she will be preparing and directing videos and marketing on line, maybe even trying to produce a sort of “Doctors” type program on a local level. Not a lot of money but a real job with a real title, full benefits, and that “real world experience” that one has to somehow get before they can really move up.

Jobs are like dating, it seems that when one is most down and ready to give up, that something real and BETTER happens. Luck to you.

Randyt (made it past the needy stage and dayum glad)

January 13th, 2012
11:39 am

@ abc, I certainly understand what a man gets and gives up in a marriage…but if freedom is paramount, why remarry? Even the best of relationships is going to curtail one’s freedom some.

Leggs

January 13th, 2012
11:41 am

Awww, sorry about that SlimNu. Put air back into yourself and prepare for the next challenge. But damn, 2 points!

Leggs

January 13th, 2012
11:41 am

Oh BF, nice post! I understand.

SlimNu - Deflated, defeated, back to sq1

January 13th, 2012
11:42 am

Randy – Thanks for sharing her story and throwing some encouragement my way. I was really down about it yesterday but i’m trying to remain positive. Failure is not final unless I give up. ;-)

abc

January 13th, 2012
11:43 am

The topic is ‘why men hate to be alone’, though, Randy. I submit that simply isn’t true. Maybe some men are; maybe a lot are; but I’m sure not like that. I think that once men pass 40 or so, they don’t really even want to hang out with other men that much. The male friends I have, I gained when I was in my 20’s, and we all live scattered all over the world — we’re all that way, and it suits us all just fine. Maybe 15 guys, and at least half of them divorced and stayed that way, not even dating for the most part. Some of them never married.

I say again, men are fine with being alone. Think bear in a cave. Works for me.

Willie Dynamite

January 13th, 2012
11:45 am

Afternoon All,

good topic but ummm don’t know if I agree with the stance of a few posts. I will say I agree with some of the Tshirt guy comments BUT dayum not to that level. I mean I recognize some of the emotional things but that doesn’t mean I go all Lenny Williams.

Randyt (made it past the needy stage and dayum glad)

January 13th, 2012
11:48 am

@ abc, I get you. I was mostly commenting about a sort of needy phase (first year particularly) that men go though sometimes when they are fresh out of a relationship. In the “place” you described, I’m sort of there myself. I think if I could find someone that I really liked, it would compliment my relatively full life also, but frankly most of the time, I like to be alone now.

Not always though ;-)

Blackfoote: From The Stairwell To The Penthouse

January 13th, 2012
11:49 am

Some dudes enjoy being alone/solitary, nobody said anything was wrong with it either. If solitude is what you need to focus more on something then do what it takes, me I can multi task a little bit I don’t need to be alone/solitary to have focus.

cba

January 13th, 2012
11:49 am

SlimNu~ one of my favorite songs while I was in college is “Keep your head to the sky” by Earth, Wind and Fire. Even today, I will google it some days to get a lift when I’m feeling down. Keep your head to the sky, young lady.