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Change your dating strategy?

If you have not been successful in your dating this year, maybe it is time to change your strategy. There is no reason to keep doing the same things and going to the same places, if they don’t produce the results you want.

So what can you do differently to get different results? It is so easy to get stuck in a rut but exploring a new thing can be exciting and fun. Try a different part of town to mingle in. Pick up a new organization to volunteer with – you can contribute time while expanding your circle of associates. That’s win – win.

A lot of relationships begin after two people were “referred” to one another through mutual friends. I got a Facebook message from a friend in another city inquiring about single men that I know. Some people may not know you are available and open to meeting someone new. Why not casually mention that you are open to meeting new people to your close friends!

When you finally land a potential match, I think it is helpful to remember your past mistakes and do what you can to avoid the same pitfalls: Hooking up too soon. Talking too much about the exes. Spending too much money to impress. ..I could go on!

Do you think you should change your strategy? Have you thought about what you want to do differently to improve your dating successes?

By Wise Diva, Misadventures in Atlanta Dating Blog

301 comments Add your comment

Let' see............

December 19th, 2011
5:30 am

It’s not us most times, it’s them. If we can get the men to change their perspective and outlook that would make a world of difference. Let’s see now…..

1) Married men, get out of the pool altogether. You chose her, stay with her.
2) Men, you were made to pursue, stop asking and expecting women to do it….it messes with balance.
3) Men stop feeling slated because there’s some effort behind not only getting but keeping.
4) If you must go, how about a bit of honesty? It would nice hearing it from you rather than you getting caught.
5) In case you haven’t learned by now FWB equates to having the lazies. All the benefits with none to little efforts in benefiting.
6) Please don’t look with wonder and amazement at the small number in the pool of “good ones” when theres not many left once you’re ready to settle down. You and all your buds killed half the population through having fun while ho-ing.
7) Don’t expect quality when you opted for easy.
8) Married men, stay out of the pool, you’re muddying the waters.

nelsonh

December 19th, 2011
7:02 am

That is a great question. I really like it. First of all women like to be where the money is. Get yourself a medical dictionary and start learning those medical terms. Then watch a few operations on satellite tv. Pretty soon, they will be panting at your heels. they will be calling you Dr. You say call me steve, Dr. sounds so proper.
Do the same with lawyer
learn those terms, .

Peter

December 19th, 2011
7:07 am

I gave up dating years ago. Women just are not worth it. No matter what you do, it’s never good. Who they really want to date is God…because he’s perfect. The rest of us lowly men are not perfect enough.

Peter

December 19th, 2011
7:08 am

I gave up dating years ago. Women just are not worth it. No matter what you do, it’s never good enough. Who they really want to date is God…because he’s perfect. The rest of us lowly men are not perfect enough.

Darla

December 19th, 2011
7:13 am

Dear Santa:

I want him and I’ve been very good this year! :)

Lost My Mojo

December 19th, 2011
7:55 am

I’ve drastically changed my dating. I looked at it as a recreational past-time. I enjoy meeting new men – as long as they met basic criteria – not married/living with someone, employed, sane, non-smoker/druggie, honest… Looks have never been a major point for me, as long as they were relatively content with their body and healthy. But I’ve not been one to fool around casually, and I want that connection that grows deeper. Last year had 2 guys I was semi- serious with, but they both lied to me significantly. I don’t lie in a relationship and found that I was becoming incredibly jaded. I took a 4month dating hiatus for 100 days startng Jan 1. Afterward, I am not sure if I just lost my mojo, but I have gone on maybe 4 dates this year. (I would do twice that in a month before)

I’ve taken up a new hobby – backpacking – which is a rather male dominated activity… but the guys I’ve met on the trails were married, retired (too old), too young (in college), or full of drama.

I’m seriously considering just making the dating hiatus permanent.

Randyt (aka Time for reflection, time for direction)

December 19th, 2011
8:03 am

Two part answer

1) WD’s comments
2) Let’s Sees comments

Re WD: several on there hit home..

Hooking up too fast (always fun, always a bad idea…for two reasons…changes the dynamics from ‘getting to know someone’ to ‘getting it on’ and in addition, it causes unreasonable expectations).

Talking too much about exes, (ssoner or later the conversation will turn to the sexual aspect and it is one of those things that is best left unsaid because most of the time there will be an element of jealousy introduced…just not a good idea ever).

@ Lets Sees…I would suggest that even though many of your comments may have been justified with your experiences, it says something about who YOU have been attracted to. Women are really bad about looking past the good guys, because of their freqquent fatal attraction to the bad boys. Maybe the answer is not to expect men to change, but change the men you are attracted too. Most men, at least not this one and most I know, are not guilty of any of the things you noted. Sorry.

Dude

December 19th, 2011
8:09 am

Sounds like we got a lot of single during the holidays type of people here today, all of you stop generalizing, not all men are jackazzes, and not all women are overly complicated. I am single and happy to be that way. Strategy should always be, “be yourself”, be it geek, like me, not afraid to admit it, be it freak, let your freak flag fly or what ever, it doesn’t matter. A change in scenery is always a good thing, if you know too many people in one area things can go stale, especially if you have burned some bridges.
@let’s see……- Anyone married should be out of the dating pool, and just because they are successful at dating, doesn’t mean they should be preaching to everyone else about it, everyone is different.
@nelson- Not all women are gold diggers, so knock it off.
@peter-though many women are tough to please, some are worth it, finding them is a different story.
@Mojo- Stop overthinking things and enjoy yourself in what ever you do regardless of the though “I am doing this to meet someone” Things will eventually go your way.

LivingLIfe

December 19th, 2011
8:20 am

Good Morning All!!
@Mojo – I fell ya! I too was talking to some friends and was thinking I need to take a break altogether on dating b/c the ones that choose me are still about games and I have no tolerance for it. Dating is getting tiring. I still believe there are some good men out here, but until he comes I’ll continue to be happy and do me.
@dude- I agree.

Randyt (aka Time for reflection, time for direction)

December 19th, 2011
8:21 am

@ Dude…I agree across the board. If one is having trouble in the dating arena (myself included) then usually the problem lies with the person in the mirror. One can almost never change others, but one can change oneself.

Harder...please.

December 19th, 2011
8:21 am

I’ve put a lot of thought into this and believe I’ve come up with a strategy that’s fool-proof: Just be yourself.

Dude

December 19th, 2011
8:23 am

Randy and Harder :) Agree

Dude

December 19th, 2011
8:24 am

I agree with you is what I mean lol

Randyt (aka Time for reflection, time for direction)

December 19th, 2011
8:27 am

and one other thing…if you can’t change yourself, then quit biotching and just play the cards you are dealt.

(Sorry, my tolerance for people blaming others for their situation is on a low ebb this morning).

CoolShadow

December 19th, 2011
8:38 am

Completely agree with the ones that suggested being yourself; changing to being consistent about being yourself may be the best move.

Be careful about whom you get referrals from regarding people available for dating, especially when the referring party he/she is entitled to a play-by-play development of your relationship rather than getting occasional updates like everyone else.

Dude

December 19th, 2011
8:39 am

Randy is 100% on that.
Though the actions of other people may make it difficult for you, every new bar, every new hang out, every new place to meet people can be an entirely new persona of who you want to be. If you think that the people in one place aren’t worth your time. Go somewhere else, if you think you have screwed things up so bad in one place, go somewhere else. You will meet lots of different people with all type of new and exciting stories and personalities, some good, some bad, but you will never find anything if you sit at home, feel sorry for yourself and think that the whole world is bad, trust me on that, I know a lot about it.

KaiserSoze

December 19th, 2011
8:40 am

It’s easy really, but people over think it or out of some level of desperation tend to make it harder than it should be. Find someone that you don’t have to impress, that is happy with you as the person you are, the way you are and vice versa. Never continue seeing someone that makes you feel the need to walk on eggshells, bite your tongue, or censor your opinion. Once you find someone that you can truly relax and be yourself around (and they with you), the other pieces will easily fall into place. Of course there needs to be an initial level of physical attraction, but only dating people that you find “smokin hot” etc only limits your ability and opportunity to find someone with whom you will make a much deeper and more fulfilling emotional and intellectual connection.

Sometimes you have to search long and hard for this person, and sometimes the fall into your lap. But when it’s right you’ll know it. Settling for less is damaging to both parties.

Kym

December 19th, 2011
8:42 am

Good Morning Tastycakes!

Well everything I wanted to say has already been expressed so I guess I will say..I agree it all starts with the man in the mirror. Only person any of us can work on is ourselves.

Lost My Mojo

December 19th, 2011
9:10 am

Everyone over 20 has “baggage” – it is a matter of learning from those experiences. Some of my epic heartbreaks have been blessings offering incredible insight and growth.

Leggs

December 19th, 2011
9:12 am

Good morning.

Very interesting question because I was talking to myself about this last night. Wondering what I need to be doing differently. The hard part for me is that I haven’t been able to get a relationship out the starting gate because of lack of patience on the man’s part. The ocean has so many fish that the men seems to feel they don’t need to work at anything. When a small hiccup occurs, they’re quick to end the communication. E.g., “well I sensed you were pissed, so I rather not speak with you anymore…HUH? Or, I called you twice and you didn’t pick up so I figured you were out on a date…HUH? All I can say is I’m comfortable that I’m doing things differently all the while working on myself. When it flows, it will flow because I’m not going to navigate the ebbs of the water with one oar. The one with the other oar WILL surface and we will navigate the choppy waters together. Until then, keep smiling and stay true to myself.

Leggs

December 19th, 2011
9:14 am

Wish I could give bigger examples, but I’m only faced with these lame ones.

Randyt (aka Time for reflection, time for direction)

December 19th, 2011
9:15 am

@ The Usual Suspects…excellent post.

Dude

December 19th, 2011
9:21 am

Leggs- I will quote “cool hand luke on this one”

What we have here is a failure to communicate

Leggs- Did you call back after the two calls or did you wait for him to make a third attempt
If you waited for him to make a third attempt, then you shot yourself in the foot rigtht there, if you see a missed call and you are still interested in the person it is only common curtesy to at least text back and say I am busy at the moment I will call you later.

Every guy I know is so afraid of being taken advatage of that they will move on very quickly if he feels like she is wasting his time. So if she seems really upset, overly emotional, etc etc. We are quick to move on, especially if it is early in and we can get out, before she gets comfortable and this becomes the norm.

MsMarriedUp

December 19th, 2011
9:21 am

I can’t stress it enough…and it soooooo easy. Friends people friends!!!

***Just be open to being a friend, without looking with the googly eyes that this my one and only forever.*** Nothing spoils a moment like expecting *this one* to be the one and whoops, a mishap, and you think it’s the end of the relationship. It’s not! No one let the water out the pool. That’s what being friends is all about. Going through things…breaking up…making up…why it’s important not to keep throwing your friends into the shallow end for their shortcomings. We all have them. Make friends!

People who learn how to be a friend have many to select from. The pool really is not as shallow as you think.

Merry Christmas Everyone!!! Enjoy your holidays…

Kym

December 19th, 2011
9:23 am

Is everyone on vacation? :-( I am wishing I had taken more time off for the holidays..I know one change I am making..I am working on expanding my career.

Leggs

December 19th, 2011
9:26 am

@Dude ~ I’m not the type to sit back and wonder and hypothesize why something isn’t happening. When I realized I missed the call, I called back. He said he was surprised to hear from me since I didn’t answer the phone. Damn, I don’t sit by phone staring at it waiting for it to ring, nor do I carry my phone everywhere I go when home. That was an insecurity on his part that I wasn’t going to carry on my shoulders.

Kym

December 19th, 2011
9:28 am

Amen Leggs..Amen

Dude

December 19th, 2011
9:29 am

If it was an insecurity on his part you are lucky to find out quick and you should be glad he’s gone :)

Robert

December 19th, 2011
9:29 am

“Do you think you should change your strategy?”

My strategy is simple. Treat people the way you want to be treated. For example I respect a women who can tell me the truth and be honest with me (married, kids, job, etc.) so I can make-up my own mind if I want to have a relationship with her. I think most people (men & women) feel the same way.

Leggs

December 19th, 2011
9:34 am

@Dude ~ no doubt, no doubt. What I’m truly amazed at, and I told another blogger this, is that I’m not even given a chance to mess up a relationship (if I should) because it’t not even getting off the ground. However, in hindsight, I suppose this is a good thing because obviously I dodged a bullet. Unnecessary drama during the first two weeks is a red flag.

Dude

December 19th, 2011
9:36 am

Another good quote from “usual suspects”

“One cannot be betrayed if one has no people”

DreamsMaterialize

December 19th, 2011
9:37 am

Morning
I don’t think the strategy is the problem. I think the problem is that many people haven’t adequately defined the objective. What is it you’re after? If you haven’t nailed this down, then all the strategies in the world will be useless.

And to all the people considering taking a permanent hiatus from dating: please hurry, don’t delay, not pass GO. You can’t leave the scene fast enough for me. I’m not trivializing your experiences, and it’s unfortunate that you’ve had negative interactions, but your negative perceptions (consequently also producing negative behaviors) are polluting the dating scene. Please, get out of the game, take the necessary time to heal yourself, and then jump back in and give it all you’ve got.

Leggs

December 19th, 2011
9:37 am

But one can go bat isht crazy with no people. :lol: :lol:

Kym

December 19th, 2011
9:38 am

The usual suspects is one great movie….

Leggs

December 19th, 2011
9:40 am

@DreamsM ~ I have to agree with you. I am thankful that I haven’t had “negative” experiences, just quick dumb ones that leave me scratching my head then a smile on my face thankful that it was so quick.

Kym

December 19th, 2011
9:40 am

@Leggs..I don’t know..I think the movie was all about manipulation and power..and Kaser did have a person the old guy who picked him up and drove him away on the street in the end.

Celisea

December 19th, 2011
9:42 am

Morning lovelies,

I don’t that I will change as it relates to strategy. IMO that’s too calculating. I will be myself and stay true to myself. I won’t apologize for being who I am nor the woman I have become. I will say though when I find men that quick to make a bunch of promises off the bat and can’t follow through, quickly move. What I’ve found in the past that they become a waste if time and emotions. So if I had to speak to strateguzing, don’t waste time on things that apparently won’t go anywhere.

Celisea

December 19th, 2011
9:46 am

Sorry for the typos….on my phone, on,the run….vacay!

disco

December 19th, 2011
9:47 am

Hey y’all. good morning. I am NOT on vacation this week or next. lack of planning, foresight on my part. oh well. my 2012 dating strategy is cliché but I’m taking it back to dating myself. my resolution for the year is to attempt to take one weekend getaway each and every month of 2012. even as for NYE plans – I generally attend watchnight or stay home. this year I wanted to hit a party. said party is $75 admission. several friends expressed they’d like to go but that’s not in their budget. I’m still on the fence but I might get dolled up and hit the spot solo because one thing I know is you’ll miss out on a lot waiting on other folks.

Celisea

December 19th, 2011
9:47 am

I’m headed shopping!

Dude

December 19th, 2011
9:51 am

Women- Guys, as opposed to women have to jockey to get women, so obviously telling a woman all of these claims and plans of exciting new things and experiences is a way to stand out above the rest, at least until they can get what they want. If you want a guy to say, I am gonna go home and do laundry go after the guy that is saying I am gonna go home and do laundry. If what the dude is saying sounds too good to be true, it usually is.

Celisea

December 19th, 2011
9:51 am

Another of vacay added 2012

Nice post Dreams….I agree

Leggs – Don’t sweat….do you and look ahead :)

Celisea

December 19th, 2011
9:54 am

WEEK….okay I’m out. I was waiting on my kid to finish her dentist appt….can’t blog and drive

Celisea

December 19th, 2011
9:58 am

Saying things that not true makes one a liar.

Randyt (aka Time for reflection, time for direction)

December 19th, 2011
9:59 am

I may go back and rewatch The Usual Suspects this week. That is a movie that no matter how many times you watch it, you catch something you hadn’t noticed before. Best acting job of Kevin Spacey’s career IMHO.

Adam Lambert

December 19th, 2011
10:00 am

somebody, on another blog, called this group, you all here, the “same old whining folks” on that always wrote on that dating blog. I laughed so hard!

Dude

December 19th, 2011
10:01 am

I liked American Beauty, I sometimes think of myself in the same way of Lester, minus the drug use and going after his daughter’s virgin friend.

Randyt (aka Time for reflection, time for direction)

December 19th, 2011
10:02 am

Reading some of the blogs reminds me how often the parties fall into the “I have to sell myself…or, you are trying out and can be cut in a moment” mindset sometimes prevails. Honestly, all parties need to get away from this and just relax…if it works, it works, if it doesn’t, it doesn’t. No harm, no foul.

DreamsMaterialize

December 19th, 2011
10:03 am

I am thankful that I haven’t had “negative” experiences, just quick dumb ones that leave me scratching my head then a smile on my face thankful that it was so quick.
Leggs Yeah I know. And I’m not knocking negative experiences, we’ve all had them. I know I have. But if you’re still hurting from those experiences or they have you lashing out at everyone, then you need to take a break…for your sake and everyone else’s.

Nice post Dreams….I agree
Celly Cel What’s good? There’s lots of hurt people out there still trying to date, and they get involved with decent people and end up hurting them. It’s just a cycle. So, what are you getting me when you go shopping? ;-)

i'm swiss™

December 19th, 2011
10:08 am

“I liked American Beauty, I sometimes think of myself in the same way of Lester, minus the drug use and going after his daughter’s virgin friend.”

Um… no disrespect, Dude, but without the drug use & the daughter’s friend, wasn’t Lester pretty much a hen-pecked schmuck whose spirit was broken?