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Introducing your date? Choose wisely

A reader is upset with her man because he decided to introduce her as a friend last weekend. They were at a restaurant and he ran into friends of his – all female. After months of dating, staying over, and acting a lot like “more than friends”, it bothered her that he doesn’t think they are at the stage of using the girlfriend-boyfriend label.

Is it important to name each other with a label? Should you have “the talk” of exclusivity so you know where you stand?

I don’t know the age of the woman who emailed me, but I suspect she is a little young and inexperienced with men. If things are going well, do you really need a guy to introduce you to other women as his woman?

Does it matter what they call you or how they treat you?

By Wise Diva, Misadventures in Atlanta Dating Blog

355 comments Add your comment

Lady~Back to life, Back to reality!

December 14th, 2011
8:33 am

Good Morning Lovelies! ;)

Lady~Back to life, Back to reality!

December 14th, 2011
8:34 am

hmmmmmm @ the topic!

Lady~Back to life, Back to reality!

December 14th, 2011
8:41 am

Should you have “the talk” of exclusivity so you know where you stand? Absolutely isn’t that what adults do communicate effectively?!? Why mislead or prolong you either together as one exclusively or just dating openly I think……But at some point “the talk” should take place for clarity purposes so confusion in public will be minimum.

Is it important to name each other with a label? This is a Sex and the City moment…….Too old to say “boyfriend” and saying “my man” is a bit juvenile to a degree………so the label thingy isn’t life or death especially if you truly know where you stand. But if your throwing those labels out for passive aggressive purposes then there is a bigger problem and communication can cut the BS in a sense

Mike P

December 14th, 2011
8:43 am

This looks like an interesting topic. I am going to lurk and see what the ladies have to say on this topic.

Good Morning!

back in the dating world

December 14th, 2011
8:56 am

this is an interesting topic….i’m back in the dating world this year for the first time in 18 years. And was just talkingto my girlfriends aobut the how, when and if you have the “dating exclusively” talk…
I agree that as adults we shouldcommunicate openly and honestly, so it only makes sense to know where you stand with one another but how and when to broach the topic is a whole different matter….
I agree with mike p – i’ll be lurking around to see what the men haveto say :)

Randyt (aka. walk softly, some women can get touchy about this).

December 14th, 2011
8:57 am

I always use the term “lady friend”…no matter how long I have been involved. At this age girlfriend” seems somehow to not fit.

This can be one of those Mars/Venus issues, however. Men as a rule, don’t care…unless the lady is a trophy or hood ornament of some type and the guy is into showing off like he would a fancy car or a Tag Heuer watch maybe. Women take roles more seriously generally. This is one of those small issues that if not watched, can cause heartburn with no ill intentions intended.

Lady~Back to life, Back to reality!

December 14th, 2011
8:59 am

Let’s see Significant Other, Husband, Wife, or Just Friends….Cut Buddies is understood correctly……Just Friends can be heartbreaking if you think it is more than what it is. Incongruousness does irk the hezzy out of me but its apart of the dating game. its on you on how you deal with it…..

Lady~Back to life, Back to reality!

December 14th, 2011
9:01 am

Talking out of both sides of your mouth that is and men and women display this behavior.

KaiserSoze

December 14th, 2011
9:06 am

As long as the couple is clear and understands where the relationship is with each other, labels don’t really matter. I had the exclusivity talk with my girlfriend (used for gender clarity here) a couple of weeks ago and we both completely agreed to become a monogamous couple. We still introduce each other to our friends as “my friend” or just simply by name. The only exception is to our kids. Our kids (mine kids and her kids, not our kids) know of the other party as the boyfriend or girlfriend, but simply because that is terms they can grasp and understand.

In some situations it might be appropriate to use terms that indicate a relationship, but people in the group should be able to tell by your actions and the level of attention/attentiveness paid to the other party that they are more than “just a friend”. Actions always speak louder than words.

Lady~Back to life, Back to reality!

December 14th, 2011
9:07 am

Oh I could I forget Friends With Benefits! That is sticky too if not communicated properly!

KaiserSoze

December 14th, 2011
9:08 am

Lady – I personally don’t believe that FWB can be a good situation for anyone. But I’m an old-fashioned man that only believes in sexual relationships with someone that I am willing to enter into a relationship with. FWB rarely ends well according to the many of my friends that have been down that road. Seems one party almost always ends up hurt (which come to think of it isn’t really different from a “real” relationship).

Lady~Back to life, Back to reality!

December 14th, 2011
9:10 am

yep KaiserSoze & words are inspired by actions……..non-verbals say much!

Lady~Back to life, Back to reality!

December 14th, 2011
9:11 am

I agree with you KaiserSoze but that type of relationship does exist for some and I won’t be blind too it.

disco

December 14th, 2011
9:11 am

good morning. I wouldn’t trip over this. depending on who I’m introducing someone to they might not get a title anyway. I’d just introduce with a name. they might not need to know that this is my friend/cousin/neighbor/whatever. OR I might just introduce with a title (friend/cousin/neighbor/whatever) and never even share the person’s name. I’ve even completely avoided introductions in some cases. everybody doesn’t always need to know everybody else. I know I’m an extreme case and have always played things close. twice I’ve been out with SO and ran into acquaintances – folks I’d worked with years prior. I didn’t bother with introductions. just did a real quick catch up and kept my business to myself. I made the point the other day that I’ve worked at my job for years and no one here even knows my son’s name. I’m sure someone in HR could look it up but I’ve never shared it with anyone. that’s just how I roll.

Lady~Back to life, Back to reality!

December 14th, 2011
9:12 am

Seems one party almost always ends up hurt <————-Always does bc for the most part one party wants more than is being offered and the other party is content with the set-up.

KaiserSoze

December 14th, 2011
9:15 am

You got it Lady – the FWB is almost always a result of one party being selfish and wanting nothing but the bootie, which leaves the other wanting more than just the physical aspects.

Randyt (aka. walk softly, some women can get touchy about this).

December 14th, 2011
9:15 am

@ KaiserSoze…re: FWB. I was thinking the same thing about FWB before you posted. That is something of a new relationship (or has never until recently had a name brought out into the mainstream), and just does not feel right for me. I’ve thought about it…even contemplated approaching some exes with the idea…but my gut feeling is that one side or the other is almost always going to evaluate the relationship in a different way sooner or later. Too complicated, and I’m not into complicated anymore.

Fion

December 14th, 2011
9:16 am

Aye man, I thought titles were reserved for royalty. The Earl of Sandwich, Duchess so on and what not.
Listen, if she’s not your wife what’s wrong with just saying ‘hey this is — ——————- insert government name.

Just Sayin’

Lady~Back to life, Back to reality!

December 14th, 2011
9:19 am

I remember being on a date last year around Thanksgiving @ a dinner party and my date was a bit older and the distinction was obvious so the party in front of us (two single ladies) just had to inquire once he went to the restroom. So she went on to say so what does your “Husband” do for a living. I never entertained the suggestion and answered her question indirectly kindly and went on to the next topic…..smirk folks can be amusing. ;) People Watching is fun though! lol

Lady~Back to life, Back to reality!

December 14th, 2011
9:20 am

If she would have said daddy she would have been dismissed properly lmbao! smh

KaiserSoze

December 14th, 2011
9:23 am

@Randy – you and I must be cut from the same cloth. Life is too short for complicated socializing. My ex even offered to be FWB post-divorce, but I decided I would rather roll the dice and be celibate if necessary than continue with the potentially poisonous situation.

Fion

December 14th, 2011
9:25 am

@Lady
parties like that are always fun for me when folks get nosey I’ve been everything from a White Collar criminal to a Smoke Jumper Firefighter.

back in the dating world

December 14th, 2011
9:26 am

I agree that that giving titles is juvenile and that a “couple’s” actions should state to others what type of relationship they are in….

I’m more interested in the second topic/qustion Diva asked…”Should you have “the talk” of exclusivity so you know where you stand?” and the how to’s of that these days….

Randyt (aka. walk softly, some women can get touchy about this).

December 14th, 2011
9:26 am

@KS…yup. No such thing as free sex…it all has a price tag of one kind or another.

Lady~Back to life, Back to reality!

December 14th, 2011
9:28 am

LOL Fion I would play the role right along with you too! give them some live entertainment and pretend gossip! ;)

Linds

December 14th, 2011
9:28 am

My take on this is do not make assumptions. Just don’t do it! Men are NOT mind readers and we women have to stop assuming that they understand our concerns/frustrations (or even remember them) if we don’t bring it to their attention in a noticeable way. That’s not how men work and our sensitivity level needs to go down if we aren’t even willing to talk to them about it. After only a few months of dating, I understand that she may not yet know him well enough to say if he’s expected to say girlfriend or not, but to me, that’s all the more reason to be upfront with him and ask? If she likes him enough, then it should be a priority to have that talk of exclusivity. She shouldn’t make assumptions and neither one of them should be putting labels on anybody or their relationship if they don’t address it together. Act like adults already.

disco

December 14th, 2011
9:31 am

fion – I use the term government name all the time. once when I was a teenager someone called the house and asked for me by my government name. my mother told them they had the wrong number and hung up. took her a minute to remember that’s what she named me. when I sent out my son’s high school graduation announcements folks were calling each other trying to figure out who he was. obviously, they didn’t know his government name. and on the flip side – I protect my nicknames from folks who only know me by my government name. two different worlds. like having an alter ego.

Lady~Back to life, Back to reality!

December 14th, 2011
9:32 am

hmmmm Randy and Ks I know a 56 year old playing the FWB game! Those post dirvocce fols well some just want their freedom and play with whatever PYT willing to play. #truestory

Randyt (aka. walk softly, some women can get touchy about this).

December 14th, 2011
9:33 am

Re: the talk. I’ve never totally understood why people have to make this so seemingly ‘formal’. For me it is just a casual comment about how I feel and how the lady responds. I’m basically very monogamous and I am either “feeling someone” or I’m not. If I am, why date around, why not just go with what I have? Same with the lady. If she is feeling me, then why date around. If she isn’t, then apparently I haven’t made much of an impression. I just can’t get this whole concept of trying to win someone over. If it doesn’t happen naturally, why try to force it?

Lady~Back to life, Back to reality!

December 14th, 2011
9:33 am

meant folks and KS that is! regards

Leggs

December 14th, 2011
9:34 am

Good morning…I’m on cloud 6.5

I can’t even read the comments yet because this caught my eye :arrow: Does it matter what they call you or how they treat you? The latter part of this question is a trick, right?

If we haven’t spoken of being exclusive, then I’m just a friend. If we’ve been sleeping together, spending time together, washing each other’s backs and fronts but not talking if we are “ONE” with each other, we are still just friends with benefits.

Lady~Back to life, Back to reality!

December 14th, 2011
9:34 am

but sometimes Randy its pulling teeth for some and I guess this could be a red flag or not if someone isn’t reading too much into it……….shrugs!

Randyt (aka. walk softly, some women can get touchy about this).

December 14th, 2011
9:36 am

I know others do that Lady, I’m just not into using people or being used. One, life is too dayum short to trifle with things that have little or no meaning, and Two, people aren’t (or shouldn’t be considered) disposable items. My take anyway.

Fion

December 14th, 2011
9:38 am

@disco
lol !!!!! :) Now that is funny.

KaiserSoze

December 14th, 2011
9:38 am

The “talk” doesn’t have to be some long, drawn out conversation. In my situation it was a simple statement over morning coffee. I just said that I think things are going well and I am ready to make this an exclusive thing. She told me she assumed that was already the case. I agreed and that was it. No reason to make it more than it is. It is a simple statement of future intentions.

SlimNu

December 14th, 2011
9:44 am

Good morning folks…if you heard your Significant Other refer to you as their ’special friend’ to someone of the opposite sex, what would you think about that?

Leggs

December 14th, 2011
9:44 am

@Lady ~ you know, FWB doesn’t need to be “communicated.” To me, it’s easily defined without saying so. All one has to do is look at the relationship, pay attention to what’s being discussed and what’s not being discussed. All you have to do is pay attention.

Randyt (aka. walk softly, some women can get touchy about this).

December 14th, 2011
9:44 am

I totally understand what you are saying Leggs, but (don’t you just hate the…”but”), you are talking about ‘definitions’, not ‘perceptions’. One thing I learned when I was a stockbroker was that ‘perception IS reality”. What I am saying is that if one is ‘perceiving’ that it is FWB, that is his/her reality…but that does not automatically make it the other’s ‘reality’. The other may have and probably usually does have a totally different ‘perception’, and that is their ‘reality’…and a recipe for someone getting hurt. Better to have both with the same ‘reality’. Much less painful.

Lady~Back to life, Back to reality!

December 14th, 2011
9:45 am

lol ok Leggs understtod and understand ~It is what it is~ got you!

Lady~Back to life, Back to reality!

December 14th, 2011
9:46 am

understood that is!

Lady~Back to life, Back to reality!

December 14th, 2011
9:48 am

Now Slim that “Special Friend” is ummmmm hmmmmm well……as Leggs can say……..lol I have heard that Slim as a matter of fact I was in Birmingham on a date at a gala and the term was used. I rolled with it but my eye brows raised somewhat like what is that but I didn’t trip. I enjoyed the moment ironically

Leggs

December 14th, 2011
9:49 am

@SlimNu ~ “special friend” means you have meant just about everything on his checklist. Then again, it can mean your his special sexual friend. Put the words with how he treats you and you will have your answer.

Linds

December 14th, 2011
9:49 am

the talk for some, depending on the person and the nature of the relationship so far, can be very informal, 4-sentence conversation, while with others I could understand it being more drawn out discussion about intentions, the future, formalities, meeting the family, etc. I don’t think there’s one right way to do it, but being understanding and open is important either way. Everyone’s different and has experienced different things in past relationships, ergo, everyone may approach this “talk” in varying ways. Making sure that you feel secure in what you feel for this person and that you have your questions answered by the end of it is what matters.

disco

December 14th, 2011
9:50 am

fion – yeah. we got some nicknames for you. the current one that tickles outside folks is a little cousin that we’ve named “the little blue eyed boy”. he just turned 3. I figure as he gets older it’ll be shortened to blue eyed boy and ultimately we’ll probably just call him blue. what I do know for sure is that we’ll likely never call him by his government name.

slim nu – I wouldn’t trip off the title. either I know who I am in the relationship or I don’t. if I don’t, then I’ve still got some growing up to do. as the saying goes “it doesn’t matter what folks call you, it matters what you answer to”.

Lady~Back to life, Back to reality!

December 14th, 2011
9:50 am

see Leggs! Too funny!

Fion

December 14th, 2011
9:52 am

Let me ask ya’ll, when you here the term “Special Friend” don’t you translate / insert Fu*k Buddy?

Lady~Back to life, Back to reality!

December 14th, 2011
9:53 am

Fion that is what I pull out of it after the fact it is something understood whether you want that title or not…..lol

Randyt (aka. walk softly, some women can get touchy about this).

December 14th, 2011
9:55 am

…and for the record by the way, the booty call can be gender neutral. I’ve been on both sides of this one. Feels weird for a guy to be used for sex, LOL, but it does happen. It is flattering but can be painful to the guy, so don’t just automatically assume that the guy is the one without feelings.

Fion

December 14th, 2011
9:56 am

when I’ve heard people say that, that’s what I hear. I kinda roll my eyes too and just go ok.

Lady~Back to life, Back to reality!

December 14th, 2011
9:56 am

~Where is the love you said was mine ALL mine til the end of time~ NP Where is the Love! :)