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Dating: Mixed signals

Most of us have been subjected to the mixed signals of dating. You get a green light, then you get a red one. Things get red hot, then suddenly they turn cold. What gives?!

A friend of mine is dating a guy who only kicks up his efforts when she acts as if she is not interested in him. She will ignore his calls and text messages for a few days and put him on the back burner. That is when he kicks it into high gear and pursues her more. Their most romantic dates usually occur after she decides he is out of her life.

Perhaps it is about having a challenge; maybe he is dating multiple people and wants to keep her in the mix. Do you think that mixed signals is really just a sign that someone is being played?

What do you do when the person you are seeing starts to get a little flaky and inconsistent? If you really like them, do you try to be a little patient or can mixed signals be the deal breaker?

By Wise Diva, Misadventures in Atlanta Dating Blog

273 comments Add your comment

MzNewy

November 22nd, 2011
8:42 am

Mixed signals usually indicate the person is unsure of the pursuit. Thus they get put on the back burner. Why make someone a priority when you are only an option? It means they are more than likely dating someone else and want to keep you around just in case things don’t work out with the number one…

MsMarriedUp

November 22nd, 2011
9:06 am

Just to note: the behaviors that go on in dating are the same things that happen in marriages…which brings me to noticing this in my marriage. When I’m nice and sweet, he can sometimes act the complete you-know-what. But when I got the ass, then the roles reservse. Once I did ask him about this.

“Why do I have to be mean for you to be sweet?” He didn’t have an answer.

Internet Guy c(._.)o

November 22nd, 2011
9:11 am

It means they are more than likely dating someone else and want to keep you around just in case things don’t work out with the number one…

I agree with this. Also, it is very immature and somewhat disrespectful to treat someone that way.

I have seen the same type of behavior from women who like to keep a well-intentioned guy in the “friend zone” and string them along in order to use them (favors, pay for a dinner, more).

When someone does that, call them out on it, and prepare to move one.

It’s a sure sign of someone with a) alterior motives, b) selfish or self-centered personality, c) the wrong priorities and someone who has little concern for the feelings of others.

No thanks. Plenty of women out there who will treat a guy right. Why waste time on a woman who’s so “high school.”

I’m tired of this kind of stuff. :(

DreamsMaterialize

November 22nd, 2011
9:11 am

Morning
Mixed signals could mean the other person isn’t interested, or it could mean that you’re misinterpreting the signals as mixed. Sometimes we just over-analyze things and make them way more complicated than they really are.

disco

November 22nd, 2011
9:20 am

good morning guys. glad to see I’m not the only one here today. looks like it might be slow one.

Audra

November 22nd, 2011
9:27 am

Hello!

Generally, I find that guys who are giving mixed signals are either keeping you around as their “Plan B” or are actively seeing someone else and don’t want you to know it. If a guy wants to be with you, he will. If he’s playing mind games, there’s a reason. I was letting myself be led around by a dude who was sending mixed signals for over a year. Finally I realized that I was his “Plan B.” Screw that – who wants to be second best? I’ve since given him the boot.

Mike P

November 22nd, 2011
9:30 am

Good Morning All,

I can’t speak for all men, but when I give off mixed signals: Its usually when I meet a women I’m sexually attracted to (fleeting) and only have one thing on my mind while the woman has romantic interests in me (on-going). When I’m sexually aroused and its been a minute for me, I’m on fire with her but when I’m good sexually speaking and she wants to do romantic stuff with me I started to feel crowded and annoyed (to hate me for that, can’t help it). This is especially true when I have no romantic interests in her whatsoever.

The rap lyric from Rocko comes to mind: We ain’t going steady! We jus’ mess-around!

Celisea

November 22nd, 2011
9:32 am

Good morning,

Back at work….boooo (no really…glad to have a job)

On topic: I’m not okay with mix signals and I try as much as possible to not send any. If I feel the signals are mixed or not sure the direction in which the whole thing is headed, I’m going ask…pointblank. If I cannot get a solid answer, as I admit I could be the one misunderstanding or misinterpreting, I will move on or away from the situation. I won’t dangle though until you can decide. I would think if it’s really not what’s perceived, a conversation will easily clear things up.

I think many many times people simply aren’t sure…and that’s okay. The other side of that coin is it’s not fair to have a person in limbo and you can’t have it both ways. Every person that really do send mix signals knows in their heart of heart they’re unsure. If you want to hold that spot with a person you have to act on your intentions. Can’t sit on your hands and hope for the best.

Celisea

November 22nd, 2011
9:35 am

MikeP – I think that’s about as honest as it gets. I think that probably happens with many men.

Audra – You too are spot on. If I think at the slightest I’m plan B, I’m not waiting. I will give you an opportunity to help me out. If not I’m moving on. Sometimes you don’t want to but you have to keep self first and foremost.

Robert

November 22nd, 2011
9:37 am

“can mixed signals be the deal breaker?”

Guys beware….What might seem like a innocent jesture might be preceived as “mixed signals”. For example older women between the ages of 40-50 who have alot of experience might judge your actions against someones else’s. The men in their lives may have had a tramatic effect on them (lied, cheated, etc.)which will make them suspect every little thing you do. I prefer to be judged by my actions not what somebody else did. Avoiding sending “mixed signals” requires trust and respect for any relationship to succeed.

Mike P

November 22nd, 2011
9:39 am

I can see how a guy would do these kinds of things; but what I don’t get is why do women do it… Its a man’s game. SOME and not ALL women get emotionally attached to the man they having sex with, so why play it like I man. When I women give me mixed signals; I usually go in the other direction, unless she’s HOT!!!

Leggs

November 22nd, 2011
9:41 am

Good morning.

Mixed signals, hot then cold, simply lets me know he’s not really into me and probably have a few others in the mix. I’m not on the back burner for anyone other than my child.

@Audra ~ are you say you are now solo and have come to grips with the fact that you two are not in sync?

Celisea

November 22nd, 2011
9:42 am

Well I don’t do the sex thing with no relationship….I will get attached. I don’t even try and trick my ownself with that one…lol I understand some say they can, but I’m of the belief that that’s how we’re designed.

Into the Light

November 22nd, 2011
9:45 am

Good morning, all!

ITL’s LIfe Lesson #726: Don’t treat someone like a priority, who treats you like an option.

@Mike P: Wow. That was real talk in your 9:30.

Into the Light

November 22nd, 2011
9:46 am

Sometimes we just over-analyze things and make them way more complicated than they really are.
This can happen, but I say trust your gut. If you feel that something is off kilter, it probably is.

Celisea

November 22nd, 2011
9:49 am

ITL – but I say trust your gut. If you feel that something is off kilter, it probably is

True…intuition is on automatic. You’re gut feeling will NEVER lead you wrong. Too, being over-analytical is no crime neither should be a deal breaker. If asking questions is “asking too much” something is not right.

Celisea

November 22nd, 2011
9:51 am

Robert – You only date older women? You said you turned 35 but all of your posts seem to reference the “older women” crowd. No biggie just something I noticed.

disco

November 22nd, 2011
9:52 am

in a twisted sort of way a mixed signal is about as direct a signal as you can get. think about it.

when meeting new guys I generally put it out there that if any woman (wife/girlfriend/baby momma) calls me questioning what my number is doing in his phone she will get an earful even if I have to make something up. this is beneficial because a lot of men are sloppy and a lot of women are snoops and the guys know this. this doesn’t always keep the two timers and double dippers away but they know that getting involved with me raises the stakes a bit. I’ll let a creeper know that he’s creeping – not me. I’ll have all your business in the street. most realize I’m probably not the one for them.

celisea – a lot of folks agree that women get emotionally attached when sex is involved. on a level I agree it’s true of many women but I’m not one of them. i am totally capable of swinging by his spot (don’t bring that mess into my own home – let him wash his sheets in the morning), handling business, getting dressed and rolling out. in my honest opinion, while a lot of guys will say that’s ideal I think they feel some kind of way when you up and leave them like that.

Into the Light

November 22nd, 2011
9:57 am

while a lot of guys will say that’s ideal I think they feel some kind of way when you up and leave them like that.

Guys?? How would you/have you felt when a woman did this?

Fion

November 22nd, 2011
10:00 am

@disco
“guys will say that’s ideal I think they feel some kind of way when you up and leave them like that.”

I can honestly say it is an ideal situation.

Audra

November 22nd, 2011
10:00 am

Hey Leggs! Yes, I am SOLO! Dating here and there, but nothing serious. I would like to find The One, but haven’t been divorced for all that long, and I’m kind of liking the single life though at times it’s lonely. The dude who was sending the mixed signals was my “starter” thing right after the split from the ex. I was wounded and needed attention. When I got stronger I realized that dude is a playa… ;)

@Mike P: Women do it for the same reasons men do it! Although I will say that after sex becomes involved, you’re right, we do get attached. But when a dude is in the friend zone or my Plan B? I’ve been guilty of mixed signal in that situation, sorry to say…

Celisea

November 22nd, 2011
10:04 am

disco – Kudos to you lady. For me it’s not even an overwhelming thing that happens….as it relates to feelings. It’s just when we (being relationship we) reach a certain level and intimacy is a given or next, I’m already filled with the warm fuzzies and stuff. Maybe too because for me sex is not typically off the rip. I’ve had time to marinate in the joy juice of spending time and feeling each other. Not being funny or knocking anyone, I’ve just never had sex like “right away.” I think that’s probably too the reason feelings have an opportunity to get rolled up in there.

I think if I would have had times where sex was quick or early on (not judging anyone), then I would know for certain if I could or couldn’t. As it stands…from my experience, I simply can’t. :)

SexyCool

November 22nd, 2011
10:04 am

Yeah…no…mixed signals = dealbreaker.

Jake a.k.a. SPJ, TWB

November 22nd, 2011
10:06 am

What up folks, there is no such thing as a mixed signal, u know what you see, trust your eyes and ears, your heart will lie to you, becuase it is concerned with its own agenda.

Disco/ITL, to your statement/question, it depends on the woman, most guys would like to be the one who leaves in the wee hours, u don’t want to be lookin like Eddie was in Boomerang.

Leggs

November 22nd, 2011
10:08 am

Cool, Audra. Be careful. You’ll get stronger each day. Just don’t settle.

If I decided to have a Plan B and make a bootay call, please get dress and leave afterwards. I wouldn’t want you hanging around for breakfast the next morning. Watching you getting up and getting dressed to leave is a pleasing sight for me.

Leggs

November 22nd, 2011
10:10 am

Chat with you guys later, going to by food for my Thanksgiving dinner

Into the Light

November 22nd, 2011
10:12 am

Have fun, Leggs! :)

Audra

November 22nd, 2011
10:12 am

Ha! Funny, Leggs.

disco

November 22nd, 2011
10:12 am

fion – a friend of mine just recently employed the love him and leave him method and said old boy has been blowing up all of her methods of communication ever since. of course they had previously dated, broke up and he got with another chick. I think my girl went over there specifically intending to put it down to prove a point.

I watched heat the other night and as always got a kick out of deniro’s line about not having anything in his life he couldn’t walk away from in 30 seconds flat. I love and appreciate the folks/relationships in my life but if it ain’t right I can step.

jake – I know. I think that’s part of it. when a guy gets to leave he’s thinking he just put it down on her but when roles are reversed, well I don’t know exactly what a guy thinks when roles are reversed. I know I’ve had them call whining about why did you leave.

Into the Light

November 22nd, 2011
10:13 am

Jake, if I’m reading you correctly, you’re saying that it depends on what feelings you have or don’t have for the other person?

DreamsMaterialize

November 22nd, 2011
10:13 am

This can happen, but I say trust your gut. If you feel that something is off kilter, it probably is.
ITL Yep, that’s what I was saying. Sometimes the simple answer (gut) is the answer. Sometimes the signals aren’t really all that mixed. We just don’t want to accept what the signals are saying. lol

Fion

November 22nd, 2011
10:16 am

@ITL
as long as we both know that’s the deal going in, for the man it’s ideal.
it’s like being on the craps table and you’re shootin’ with house money. You can’t lose.

Purple Reign

November 22nd, 2011
10:18 am

“What do you do when the person you are seeing starts to get a little flaky and inconsistent? If you really like them, do you try to be a little patient or can mixed signals be the deal breaker?”

When a person gets inconsistent or flaky…I usually just get quiet and watch and let them contact me after things settle I assess all that has happened and make my decision then. If they were just not sure about us and needed to work some thing out I am onboard…but if it’s just emotional flip flops I back away. Also, when a person is flaky I tend to hold my feelings in because I am not sure of theirs.

Into the Light

November 22nd, 2011
10:19 am

it’s like being on the craps table and you’re shootin’ with house money. You can’t lose.

Until a woman backs it up on the dance floor and violates you…. :lol: :lol: Sorry, Fion, I couldn’t resist….

Fion

November 22nd, 2011
10:22 am

……see man. you just ain’t right.

Jake a.k.a. SPJ, TWB

November 22nd, 2011
10:25 am

ITL, you got it…if she is just a nightfighter, u will be cool with her gettin the hellz on, but if its a piece that you really enjoyed or want to enjoy more, you might feel a little insecure, especially if you don’t feel like you gave a championship performance.

disco

November 22nd, 2011
10:30 am

dreams – that’s pretty much what I meant when I said mixed signals are, in themselves, pretty direct.

good one ITL.

personally, I’ve always been a little abrasive or rough around the edges. I’m not overly emotional and far from clingy. friends and I have joked for years that I’ll know I’ve met the man for me when he tells me to shut up and I do it. this is the joke because ordinarily I’m a mouthpiece and would definitely not shut up. The ex (I guess it’s official now since we let the relationship fizzle out slowly) came by over the weekend to change outdoor bulbs and air filters etc. we went to breakfast, chilled for a bit and he left. not 5 minutes after leaving he called talking about how much he missed me and missed spending time and blah blah blah. I could have responded in kind and made him feel good but I was just like “you brought it on yourself”. I won’t deny that I was thinking about giving him some for the road but he’ll never know it.

Mike P

November 22nd, 2011
10:33 am

g’bye Leggs… get your thanksgiving day stuff done :D

To the Blog women: you’d be surprised what men will do for someone special, keep y’all s standards high ladies!

Robert

November 22nd, 2011
10:33 am

@Celisea – I date women between the ages of 30-50 range. I prefer a mature woman who enjoys the company of a mature man. The example I gave in my comments (women 40-50) reflects my opinion dating women in that age range who are quicker to react to “mixed signals” based on their life experiences which may or may not be true.

Celisea

November 22nd, 2011
10:34 am

Robert – Up to 50? Really…cool on your range. Gotcha

Jake a.k.a. SPJ, TWB

November 22nd, 2011
10:36 am

Disco….u should have gave him a shot, but, he over there changing bulbs and whatnot, guess u got it, “in the jar” if needed…u wrong for that though.

Into the Light

November 22nd, 2011
10:39 am

Awww, Fion….. I’m sending you a blog hug. ((((Fion))))

disco

November 22nd, 2011
10:42 am

jake – whatever. he brought it on himself.

mike p – ain’t that the truth (re what men will do for someone special). throughout my life I’ve witnessed the ex-girlfriend whining and crying re “he didn’t do that for me”. heck, I was even that chick once way back when. that’s a good lesson to learn early.

abc

November 22nd, 2011
10:42 am

Anyone shopping Black Friday?

Fion

November 22nd, 2011
10:43 am

@disco
You’re not foolin’ me. underneath you are a softy. You just faking the hard thing.
I

SexyCool

November 22nd, 2011
10:43 am

Robert – would you give an example of an acceptable mixed signal? Or a reason a mixed signal should be deemed acceptable?

Because quite frankly, if I even have to wonder about a mixed signal, then I’m already ready to let you move on. And that should actually apply regardless of age.

Sassy Me...Black Koffy no Sugar no Cream ;-)

November 22nd, 2011
10:44 am

I think my girl went over there specifically intending to put it down to prove a point.

Yes she did and from the sounds of things it worked..he who loves less controls the relationship it seems.

I know I’ve had them call whining about why did you leave.

:lol: Me,too…and all that whining is such a turn OFF. At first they were all hard but got all moist afterward…comedy..

Celisea

November 22nd, 2011
10:44 am

If one says “no mixed signals here”…..I guess then it becomes a matter of perception. Yous versus theirs. However, a person’s perception is their reality. What you think you’re projecting is nowhere near what’s perceived. What I’m perceiving is nowhere neat what you feel you are projecting…..hmmmmmm

SexyCool

November 22nd, 2011
10:45 am

abc – I have some very specific items on a list that IF there are Black Friday deals that apply, I may venture out. Otherwise, just being out to be out in that madness, I’ll pass.

Oh…and the deals that I am looking for will be at stores that typically don’t have large BF crowds….like Staples. (lol)

Celisea

November 22nd, 2011
10:47 am

if I even have to wonder about a mixed signal, then I’m already ready to let you move on.

Exactly. And IMO, if it’s really misconception, rather than risk missing out, is he or she willing to make it just a little clearer for you to stay? If you’re not REALLY seeing what you’re seeing…lol