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Dating: The lies we tell

Have you ever been excited over a potential romance, started to feel hopeful, and later discovered they were less then truthful about who they are? The lies we tell only come back to haunt us, so why do we lie so much!?

What should you do if you catch the person you are dating in a lie? Not a huge, disturbing lie – but something small, insignificant? Is that a sign of a bigger problem with truth telling?

I know a lot of guys think lying is a part of relationships. They believe in order to keep the peace, it’s better to leave things out, conceal the truth. It’s a simpler way of dealing with the complicated part of dating and relationships.

How much truth can we handle in dating? Is lying a necessary evil that we all have to contend with just so we can hook up?

Happy Monday!

By Wise Diva, Misadventures in Atlanta Dating Blog

231 comments Add your comment

Sure

November 21st, 2011
7:55 am

Foxy

November 21st, 2011
8:08 am

GM and Happy Thanksgiving Kids!
Foxy knows that Patience reveals Deception. We love to look at new…but look at who is still there.

LeeH1

November 21st, 2011
8:26 am

Some people lie to themselves. Other lie to other people. “They say Jove laughs at lover’s lies” is from Romeo and Juliet, and is well known.

Leggs

November 21st, 2011
8:31 am

Good morning!

Why do we lie? – To make ourselves look good. A lot believe “little white lies” are harmless. What often occurs is people don’t remember those little white lies, and before you know it mushrooms into something altogether. Be yourself and you may or may not hit a home run.

I would rather handle the “whole truth” than bits and pieces of lies trying to put the relationship puzzle together.

WOW

November 21st, 2011
8:33 am

@Sure

U should b careful in ur confidence since men no longer corner the market in deception. While you think a moment may b worth the lies and what u feel is game and u “one up” is it worth the blow 2 follow delivered by that same woman where u never even saw it coming? Careful with ur cockiness now. I love a man that believes his own lies. Just because she’s not pronounced u 4 what u r doesn’t mean u’ve outslicked.

WOW

November 21st, 2011
8:42 am

Enter your comments here

WOW

November 21st, 2011
8:57 am

And how do I assume sure is a man? Women aren’t stupid or as cocky and displays discretion IF she plays along.

Reio

November 21st, 2011
8:57 am

Morning everyone. Been in and out of the hospital lately. At home now, hopefully for good. While dating, I had trouble holding on to women because I ALWAYS told the truth. The difference between me and other guys, I suppose, was that I didn’t care about the consequences of telling the truth. Let’s face it, the worst thing that can happen if you tell the truth, is he/she will leave you, or not go out with you again. Well, all one has to do in that case, is go find someone else. Simple. My wife(girlfriend, then) struggled with this, but she finally realized that she could always know what was on my mind, cause I never held back. Ask me a question, expect the truth.

Leggs

November 21st, 2011
9:06 am

@Reio ~ and that’s how it should be.

Hope your recovery will be a smoother one now that you are home. Welcome home!

Robert

November 21st, 2011
9:14 am

“How much truth can we handle in dating? ”

From my experience most women would rather you tell them the truth, no matter what, so they can make-up their own minds whether or not they want to continue with the relationship. Most men do not realize this fact until they find themselfs caught in the act of deception. Most men can not handle the truth. For example I have a friend who caught his wife in the act. Over the years he had several affairs, but could not handle the truth when the shoe was on the other foot.

mark

November 21st, 2011
9:17 am

lying is a DEALBREAKER! i have 4 DEALBREAKERS!
1. no smokers
2.no drinkers above a social level
3. No Sistas that have or would Date a WHITEMAN
4. NO LIIES PLEASE DONT EVER LIE TO ME!!!!

Into the Light

November 21st, 2011
9:26 am

Good morning, all!

Reio, glad to see you back, and hope you continue to recover.

Into the Light

November 21st, 2011
9:31 am

(waving) Morning, Leggs!!! :)

Leggs

November 21st, 2011
9:32 am

Morning ITL.

Reio

November 21st, 2011
9:33 am

@ Leggs.- Thanks!

Reio

November 21st, 2011
9:36 am

@ mark – Your #3 defines you as a stupid damn fool. Unworthy dimwit.

disco

November 21st, 2011
9:37 am

good morning. and since I just watched Ray over the weekend I’ll say “scratch a lie, find a thief” and I sure as heck won’t be with anyone who will steal from me. maybe 20 years ago I would have overlooked the small lies that were meant to impress. now, though, any grown man who still feels the need to lie to impress needs to go find another chick to lie to. I’m not the one.

Into the Light

November 21st, 2011
9:40 am

abc

November 21st, 2011
9:48 am

I’m not even going to get started, except to offer this: if they’ll lie about small and inconsequential, they’ll certainly lie about things that matter. Lying is a character flaw. Make your own choices.

Reio

November 21st, 2011
9:53 am

@ Into the Light – Thank you. Recovering well. 4 year old granddaughter showed up last night here in Birmingham from Marietta, Ga. for Thanksgiving.
My question is “why lie?” What does one hope or expect to gain from lying? If being oneself and being truthful is not good enough for the other person, just move on. Seems simple to me.

Fred G. Sanford, Jr.

November 21st, 2011
10:06 am

I think everyone lies to some extent early in relationships.

For instance “I’m single” typically means “I don’t have an official boyfriend/girlfriend, but somebody is occupying my free time.”

Lies like the above are expected, so I’m usually not offended too much. After all, I’d be stupid to think that any reasonably attractive woman has NO ONE on her radar.

SexyCool

November 21st, 2011
10:08 am

“For instance “I’m single” typically means “I don’t have an official boyfriend/girlfriend, but somebody is occupying my free time.”

Sometimes, it means that, but not always.

Reio

November 21st, 2011
10:14 am

Had this conversation once :
Her – Do you think she’s pretty? ( “She” was her younger sister, 17 months younger)
Me – Yes
Her – Prettier than me?
Me – Yes.
Her – When did you decide THIS!?
Me – When I first saw her.
Her – And you didn’t say anything?
Me – Say what?
Her – What you just told me.
Me – Why would I?
Her – Well,you just did.
Me – That’s cause you asked me.
Her – You could’ve said something else.
Me – I simply answered you question. If you…….
This went on a while. She wanted lies, expected lies. I couldn’t do it,
so we sort of drifted apart. It was never the same after that conversation.

Into the Light

November 21st, 2011
10:14 am

Yay, Reio! You spelled “Marietta” correctly! Good for you! :)

Sometimes “I’m single” means “I’m single.”

Reio

November 21st, 2011
10:20 am

@ Into the Light – Thanks. I can spell it, thanks to you guys.

abc

November 21st, 2011
10:21 am

Reio, there’s only one answer to “do these jeans make me look fat”, and it isn’t the truth. It’s not that I’ll lie — I’ll say something oblique to avoid answering the ‘is she prettier than me’ kind of questions, though. Probably something like, “what kind of loaded question is that?!”. I’d still drop them, probably, due to being so shallow.

Reio

November 21st, 2011
10:23 am

@ abc – Never could do that. Ask a question of me, expect the truth. I didn’t care about what happened afterwards. Still don’t.

Leggs

November 21st, 2011
10:27 am

Nevermind, SexyC already said it.

abc

November 21st, 2011
10:29 am

There’s a difference between honesty and insensitivity. I’m sure you know how to conduct yourself such that you can be honest without being unkind, direct questions or not.

disco

November 21st, 2011
10:30 am

abc – I like the evasive answer. sort of like how I never tell folks that their not so cute babies are cute. I will usually compliment their outfit, hair, shoes, something but I’ll never say “he/she’s so cute”. some babies just aren’t cute. of course, if someone ever asked me straight up if i thought their baby was cute that’d be a whole new scenario….

Reio

November 21st, 2011
10:34 am

My inability to use tact is what my 3 older sisters told me was the reason I had trouble maintaining relationships. I got better over the years, but a direct question gets a direct truthful answer, then and now. Sorry.

kimmie

November 21st, 2011
10:34 am

Morning everyone!

Reio – “Why lie?” reminds me of this sign I saw a homeless man holding up years ago. It said “Why lie? I want money for some beer and cigarettes!” That cracked me up!LOL!!

Rather dull topic, but I realize it must get tough coming up with fresh topics every day.

What I will say is that both genders lie for different reasons, with the top one I think being that they are afraid of the consequences of the truth. It does not make it right at all, but I do understand it. Scared that one won’t find them as attractive, that one will leave them, that one’s feelings will be hurt, etc. In the long run usually though the consequences end up being worse because of the lie because one lie calls for another.

When I hear a man say women can’t handle the truth, I think “no she just may not handle it the way YOU want her to handle it.” You want truth with no consequences.

Some want to say others can’t handle the truth when they tell someone something with no tact. Then it becomes the other person’s issue when feelings are hurt. I cannot stand it when people are crude with the truth and then try to explain their lack of class with the tired “I’m just keeping it real.” A lot of times it’s not what you say but how & where it’s delievered.

SexyCool

November 21st, 2011
10:35 am

czB – best of birthdays, chica. (Even though, I don’t think you are posting this week.) Oh well….birthday greetings just the same. :)

kimmie

November 21st, 2011
10:36 am

abc – Your 10:29, I agree.

Celisea

November 21st, 2011
10:40 am

Even in the worst of situations you should be able to tell the truth….state the facts. So you know in the not so tough the truth should easy. Surely we are beyond purely physical being an incentive for lying….surely

disco

November 21st, 2011
10:44 am

kimmie – to me hurt feelings are a personal problem. grown folks need to know how to handle their own feelings and check them at the door if need be. I get so annoyed with overly sensitive people some times (men and women). huge pet peeve – women who cry all the daggone time and sometimes for little to no reason. I feel like saying “I’ll give you something to cry about”.

abc

November 21st, 2011
10:50 am

What I’d say:

Baby appearance: “they all look like Mr. Magoo to me, my opinion doesn’t matter much.”

Questions about anybody’s appearance: there’s bound to be SOMETHING you can make a positive comment about: shoes, hair, teeth, hygiene, anything. “Yeah, she has a nice, uh, hm.”

Observations about relative intelligence will get a bunch of statistics out of me. That’s actually my copout in situations where the absolutely honest answer would hurt someone’s feelings: cite lots of statistics about what the topic really is. Chances are, they’ll get so bored they’ll forget they asked the question.

dyslexicbunny

November 21st, 2011
10:50 am

I don’t particularly enjoy lying to people. Mostly because I have to keep track of what lie I told who. If people don’t like hearing the truth, maybe they shouldn’t be asking the question.

kimmie

November 21st, 2011
10:50 am

disco – I’m not talking about overly sensitive people. I’m talking in general. Just like you take care to not tell someone their child is less than attractive. Sure, some need to develop a thicker skin, but being nasty and insensitive, especially to those you claim to care about, is being the bigger person.

kimmie

November 21st, 2011
10:51 am

disco – Correction, is NOT being the bigger person.

disco

November 21st, 2011
10:51 am

I just had “hurt feeling” flashbacks. I had to cut one acquaintance off because every time we went somewhere she ended up crying. she cried because a guy she was involved with was out with someone else or danced with someone else or whatever. annoying. and co-workers. over the years I have pulled countless co-workers to the side and told them they need to not allow themselves to break down at work. leave if you can or at least go to your car or something but don’t be giving folks the pleasure of seeing you broken. it’s just not my style. I wasn’t raised to wear my emotions like that.

Fion

November 21st, 2011
10:54 am

“They believe in order to keep the peace, it’s better to leave things out, conceal the truth. It’s a simpler way of dealing with the complicated part of dating and relationships.”

Small and insignificant, “this is really a weave and I wear a body slimmer”.

Trouble front, “did I tell you ‘bout my 2-kids”.

SexyCool

November 21st, 2011
10:57 am

Body slimmers…..work best on people who really don’t *need* them anyway.

kimmie

November 21st, 2011
11:03 am

disco – That’s different though. I’m of the “never let them see you sweat” mindset myself. It will be percieved as a weakness, especially in the workplace, not endearing at all. And yes, those that seem to wallow in self-pity are not a joy to be around either. Yet, you really don’t know what people are dealing with inside. But there is really no need to be crude with people.

Fion

November 21st, 2011
11:03 am

Chick: you told me you owned the franchise?
Dude: Well, I’m moving up to the grill next week.
Chick: I told my girlfriends you owned the place.
Dude: Anyway, Applebee’s still has the 2- for $20. Wanna go?
Chick: ok!

Peach Blossom

November 21st, 2011
11:07 am

I’ve found the truth works better on most levels. Sometimes the best answer, “I’m sorry, but that’s none of your business.” One time, I was in a relationship and he told me (I didn’t ask) he had been in only a “couple” of relationships, then all these women from his past start popping up. Believe me, it was more than a “couple.” That started the trust erosion and the relationship just fell apart.

If I’m asked a question, I just assume he has the maturity to hear the truth. If he doesn’t, that’s his problem. But I agree with abc, there’s a difference between being rude and being honest. And most of the time, it’s just the delivery, “I’m sorry Sweetie, but why is the number of men I’ve slept with important to you,” is better than, “I’m not telling you about the men I’ve slept with.”

Into the Light

November 21st, 2011
11:10 am

sn: If ITL disappears for awhile, I’m at the Marriot Marquis trying to catch a glimpse of Denzel. That is all…back to your regularly scheduled blogging….

KaiserSoze

November 21st, 2011
11:12 am

It’s all simple really. If you always tell the truth you don’t need to have a good memory. Lying to impress those we are interested in (or to get them in bed) is shallow and petty. I’d much rather build a foundation on trust and honesty. Either like/love me for what I really am or eventually we will drift apart. Why try to build a relationship on a shaky and fraudulent foundation? Of course, if you’re only in it for the hookup and have no plans for further contact then does it really matter?

Leggs

November 21st, 2011
11:13 am

@PeachB ~ I agree that asking why is the number important is better than “I’m not telling.” However, a statement like that makes the man ask more questions and then the accusations start. Immediately they drum into their mind that the woman is hiding and something must be shady if she refuses to answer. Again, that’s one of the dumbest questions a man or a woman can ask. If I’m not a virgin when we meet, suffice I have a number. If I’m disease free, healthy and never been an escort or a prostitute, the past is the past.

disco

November 21st, 2011
11:15 am

speaking of lies and liars – did any of you watch the lena baker story on tv one last night?