accessAtlanta

City & State or ZIP Tonight, this weekend, May 5th...
City & State or ZIP
City & State or ZIP Tonight, this weekend, May 5th...
City & State or ZIP

Are you chasing the wrong one?

It’s quite perplexing how we sometimes get caught up in the wrong person. It seems as if we are more attracted to the people who give us mixed signals – or worse, no signals at all. Why do we tend to give people more effort than they ever give us?

When you figure out that it’s all a game to the “elusive” one, you can move on to someone who is consistent and genuine. So, how do you know if you are chasing the wrong one?

I think it comes down to reciprocity. When you are the only one putting in the work – that’s your answer. Be warned though, the really slick ones can sometimes pretend that they are interested just enough to keep you in the loop.

Have you ever noticed a pattern of being attracted to people who don’t show real interest? Is it a bad dating habit that you need to break?

By Wise Diva, Misadventures in Atlanta Dating Blog

263 comments Add your comment

MzNewy

November 9th, 2011
8:22 am

The bad habit I needed to break that I did break was I was persuing. Women shouldn’t be chasing men anyway.

Lady~

November 9th, 2011
8:27 am

The year of 2011 has been much easier with dealing with this topic…….awareness is key!

Randyt (aka...Been There, Done That, Have a Closet Full of T-Shirts)

November 9th, 2011
8:34 am

The dilemma is that sometimes we just plain don’t want the women who are attracted to us. There is a lady on Match tht has been looking at my profile and emailing me for four years. She is 4′10″ and not exactly a world class beauty. I’m flattered but not interested…and never will be. Instead, i am attracted to some others on Match that want 6′ athletic build wildly successful businessman that is 10 years younger than me. So the three choices are, 1) take the midget and though I wouldn’t live any longer, it would sure seem a hell of a lot longer, 2) pursue futily the supermodel that would let me lavish money on her and then go home with another superstud, 3) find a happy medium. Only good answer is number 3…or abstension.

Kym

November 9th, 2011
8:38 am

Good Morning All,

Been there..done this..lesson learned.The grass is not always greener, all that glitter is not gold, and everything that looks good is not good for me.

Good post RandyT! I think we are all just looking for the happy medium.

Mike P

November 9th, 2011
8:48 am

Hey RandyT… or abstention haha! I have chosen that choice many a nights because I wasn’t able to, for whatever the reason, get the girl I wanted. I made it a habit of not choosing the “the lesser of two evils” or settling; either I got what I wanted or I went on my merry way, no big!

Morning Y’all!

Exiled!

November 9th, 2011
8:59 am

Are u scared Swazteiger?

Good morning

disco

November 9th, 2011
9:03 am

good morning.

my great grandmother advised that we be with the man that wanted to be with us and not the man we wanted to be with. that’s advice I really didn’t follow but now that I’m older I most definitely understand it. thing is, I feel like if I’m with the man who wants to be with me and not the one I want to be with I feel like I’m getting the short end of the stick. like randy says – there’s got to be a happy medium.

Randyt (aka...Been There, Done That, Have a Closet Full of T-Shirts)

November 9th, 2011
9:10 am

Seems appropriate to post the lyrics from this classic song…funny but I just cant go with it LOL.
If You Want To Be Happy (for The Rest Of Your Life) lyrics

If you wanna be happy
For the rest of your life,
Never make a pretty woman your wife,
So from my personal point of view,
Get an ugly girl to marry you.

If you wanna be happy
For the rest of your life,
Never make a pretty woman your wife,
So from my personal point of view,
Get an ugly girl to marry you.

A pretty woman makes her husband look small
And very often causes his downfall.
As soon as he marries her
Then she starts to do
The things that will break his heart.
But if you make an ugly woman your wife,
You’ll be happy for the rest of your life,
An ugly woman cooks her meals on time,
She’ll always give you peace of mind.

If you wanna be happy
For the rest of your life,
Never make a pretty woman your wife,
So from my personal point of view,
Get an ugly girl to marry you.

Don’t let your friends say
You have no taste,
Go ahead and marry anyway,
Though her face is ugly,
Her eyes don’t match,
Take it from me she’s a better catch.
[From: http://www.elyrics.net/read/j/jimmy-soul-lyrics/if-you-want-to-be-happy-(for-the-rest-of-your-life)-lyrics.html ]

If you wanna be happy
For the rest of your life,
Never make a pretty woman your wife,
So from my personal point of view,
Get an ugly girl to marry you.

Say man.
Hey baby.
Saw your wife the other day.
Yeah?
Yeah, she’s ugly.
Yeah, she’s ugly but she sure can cook.
Yeah?. Okay.

If you wanna be happy
For the rest of your life,
Never make a pretty woman your wife,
So from my personal point of view,
Get an ugly girl to marry you.

If you wanna be happy
For the rest of your life,
Never make a pretty woman your wife,
So from my personal point of view,
Get an ugly girl to marry you.

If you wanna be happy
For the rest of your life,
Never make a pretty woman your wife,
So from my personal point of view,
Get an ugly girl to marry you.

If you wanna be happy
For the rest of your life,
Never make a pretty woman your wife,
So from my personal point of view,
Get an ugly girl to marry you.

Randyt (aka...Been There, Done That, Have a Closet Full of T-Shirts)

November 9th, 2011
9:11 am

you can Youtube the song. great but I just cant drop that far.

Michael P.

November 9th, 2011
9:14 am

I have personally seen this in action with my room-mate. He is a great young man who only wants to have a great girl in his life, but the ‘love interest’ he held for a particular young woman has finally wained and gone away.
This young lady is someone who my wife and I have known for several years through my wifes son. This young lady is and has been involved with a future career-criminal who had been in jail for felony charges for the past couple of years, and was recently released. However, in the interim of his incarceration, the young lady would be grabbing on to this young man and making him believe that they would be together someday…until he was released, that is.
She would call him at all hours of the day or night, requesting rides to her friends houses, rides for her friends to her home, having him watch their dog, getting him to take her out, and even sleeping with him. And this went on for well over two years.
My wife and I could see what was going on in this situation, but he couldn’t, as he was completely enamored with her. It finally ended after the boyfriend was released from jail and found out what had been going on while he was ‘inside’, and physically threatened this young man.
After the threat, my wife and I banned this young lady and her boyfriend from coming to our home, with myself explaining to him in the strongest sense that, should he ever touch this young man, this ex-Green Beret would demonstrate to him that when properly applied, it really does takes less than 10 pounds of effort to break a human neck!
I have had similar issues with some of the women I have dated in the past, who saw my being a gentleman as weakness, rather than being respectful and caring. And most of these abusive women were the ’super-model’ types mentioned by other commenters. Many of the most beautiful women I have dated were also the some of the ugliest.
It can be devastating when you find out you’ve been used by someone, and even more so to find that it was deliberate and calculated.

Exiled!

November 9th, 2011
9:23 am

From the Women, We are going to hear a lot of the ,’as I grew older Blah blah blah today….A Lot’ today..

Whatever choice u ultimately made,u settled!

:lol: :lol:

disco

November 9th, 2011
9:31 am

exiled – maybe so but like I keep pointing out I’m different/special. people say that as you get older you become less picky and begin to relax your standards some. this is not me. I won’t say I’m more picky but I’m certainly not less picky. and because I’m older, I’m far more comfortable in my own skin. if I can’t be with someone that is the type man I want to be with then I’m cool being alone. considering my “very urban” upbringing I dated all the wrong types in the early years and I get accused of being brand new because I won’t give those same types the time of day now.

Button

November 9th, 2011
9:40 am

Exiled go to the corner!

I used to chase the wrong guys and now that I’m older and wiser, I no longer do that. I knew the root of my problem stemmed from being abandoned as a child by my mother, so that inclined me to always seek/run after/hold on to people (men) that was not interested in me. I was always trying to justify myself as being worthy.

kimmie

November 9th, 2011
9:43 am

Morning Peeps!

Exiled – I actually started out VERY picky, quick to kick a dude to the curb if i was not totally pleased. I then made the mistake of listening to others around me telling me I needed to give these dudes a chance or else I would be alone, blah blah. I started settling. Staying in relationships past the expiration date. Hanging on when the dude had checked out long before and just dangling a carrot in front of me. It was only when I went BACK to my old, original self and quit taking mess that I started having successful relationships on my own terms.

I’m a firm believer that women should NOT settle and really should be MORE selective. In this respect, be more like most men.

Exiled!

November 9th, 2011
9:44 am

Yea I had a divorced chic ‘chase’ me back in the day..damn she was thirsty as helz,calling my job asking for me….

My crime? I had given her a card and exchanged bus cards…

Sounds like her plumbing needed some major tweaking and greasing.

I passed on the offer…

Exiled!

November 9th, 2011
9:45 am

given her a ride and exchanged bus cards rather

Leggs

November 9th, 2011
9:47 am

Good morning!

@Randyt ~ you have been fined and need to go to the corner for 8.7 minutes.

It has always amazed me how men seem to be attracted to the woman with drama/issues/damn near stalkerish than the stable minded woman. I had a conversation with this guy who dated, married and now divorced this girl who gave him nothing but drama. His reason for dating her was she showed him more attention and concern. He thought the slight headache he had with her was worth it. Don’t you just love the logic.

I’m not attracted to anyone who doesn’t show me interest. Even in my younger days, I didn’t waste time with those who didn’t seem to care for me.

Leggs

November 9th, 2011
9:47 am

R.I.P HEAVY D!

Button

November 9th, 2011
9:48 am

Exiled are you married and if so, do you think your wife settled with you?

disco

November 9th, 2011
9:49 am

my early bad choices weren’t so much peer pressure or self esteem issues. they were just a product of my upbringing and environment. I dated the bad boy, drug dealer thug types but heck I was a hoodrat project chick myself. back then it was all good. still as I progressed and branched out and became aware of different options I had to leave all that in the past.

Leggs

November 9th, 2011
9:55 am

@kimmie/disco ~ I’m very much like that. Before I got married, I was selective. Didn’t date a lot because so many man whores were around me. I sometimes politely ignored their advances and sometimes I didn’t.

The man that wants me as a whole will be the one I give attention to. Until then, the selection process continues. Haa haaa, right now, the wrong one is chasing me.

Celisea

November 9th, 2011
9:59 am

1) take the midget and though I wouldn’t live any longer, it would sure seem a hell of a lot longer

LOLOLOLOL….comedy is good first thing in the morning.

Exiled!

November 9th, 2011
10:03 am

Button?

sorry about ur mum issue…did u ever find her at All?

to yr question..married check,did she settle,I don’t know but what I know is she wasn’t grown grown when I plucked her.. she ditched guys for me,I wld think! :???:

kimmie

November 9th, 2011
10:04 am

Leggs – I think the worst mistake we as women have made is dropping our standards and been willing to settle. I’m not talking about superficial stuff either. I think it’s made a lot of men lazy because they know if you won’t put up with their mess, there are a bunch waiting in line that will.

disco

November 9th, 2011
10:07 am

kimmie – don’t know why but your settling comment made me think of the episode of girlfriends when toni slapped joan. toni got engaged to Terrell davis and commented that she’d be a trophy wife, living in a trophy house, driving a trophy car.

Exiled!

November 9th, 2011
10:09 am

Heavy D…yeah he seemed like a fine guy with his stuff well together

RIP for sho

Into the Light

November 9th, 2011
10:09 am

Morning, y’all!

It was only when I went BACK to my old, original self and quit taking mess that I started having successful relationships on my own terms. I’m a firm believer that women should NOT settle and really should be MORE selective. In this respect, be more like most men.

Worth repeating!!

kimmie

November 9th, 2011
10:11 am

disco – LOL!!! Well you know, if I was going to settle at least I’d settle RICH!!

Celisea

November 9th, 2011
10:11 am

On topic: While I’ve made many dating blunders and faux pas, even close to crossing lines but chasing someone or a victim of unrequited love is something I have not done nor will do…ever Nobody is cute enough, fine enough, got money enough to misuse and abuse me…nope not happening. I’ve stepped out of the box before in making my interest known with no bite…..even so, it’s life and it happens. Not an excuse though for getting stupid and losing all sense of clarity and direction. I won’t assume anything (he didn’t get my message, maybe he was busy, he must be working..yada yada yada), leave well enough alone. I’m take it for what it is and how it reads.

It’s just plain delusional to chase with nothing in sight. It’s neither perplexing nor hard to read if someone is forever busy, absent, unavailable. When I see folks want to play games and try to intentionally mislead, I’m not going that path either. You can try your hand at it but that ain’t happening either. You’re either in or out. Not sometimes, not here and there. I will, for the sake of giving the benefit of the doubt give a person a hot second to show me something…make it stick or keep it moving.

Celisea

November 9th, 2011
10:15 am

“I’ll take it for….” not “I’m take it…” I was doing revisions

abc

November 9th, 2011
10:17 am

Some folks are drawn to (or obsessed with) that which they can’t have. They should get to know themselves better; then maybe they’d be able to recognize who’s there for them, and who isn’t.

Exiled!

November 9th, 2011
10:24 am

Celisea!

that was HONEST!!

ladies comeOn Bring it!

:lol:

i'm swiss™

November 9th, 2011
10:25 am

Morning folks.

On topic: I agree with abc. This doesn’t seem like a problem a well-adjusted adult would have.

Off topic: Hooray for Sunday liquor runs! (And maybe the lines at Total Wine will be shorter on Saturdays, too) :lol:

Kym

November 9th, 2011
10:32 am

@Leggs yeah I am soo sad. Heavy D was my first big boy crush..I am listening to him now on Pandora.

SexyCool

November 9th, 2011
10:32 am

If you are continually attracted individuals who are not interested in you, you are dating outside of your league.

kimmie

November 9th, 2011
10:34 am

I loved me some Overweight Lover too! I was just singing that song with the kids the other day!

I loved him!!

Button

November 9th, 2011
10:35 am

Exiled, I found her but the damage was already done. Thank goodness for therapy, it does work wonders.

kimmie

November 9th, 2011
10:35 am

SCool – Check out Just Engaged on essence.com. Dude is nice-looking but looks much older than 43 to me.

Kym

November 9th, 2011
10:39 am

@kimmie..and he was so young 44..it ain’t right..just ain’t right.

Leggs

November 9th, 2011
10:39 am

@Kym ~ I gave my best dance recital number to one of his tunes.

SexyCool

November 9th, 2011
10:41 am

Let me restate that for clarity – If you are continually attracted to individuals that are not interested in you, you are ATTEMPTING to date outside of your league.

kimmie

November 9th, 2011
10:41 am

Kym – Entirely too young. He seemed like a real nice guy too.

I usually didn’t go for big dudes, but I remember having a crush on a guy that went to another high school that looked a lot like him.

Randyt (aka...Been There, Done That, Have a Closet Full of T-Shirts)

November 9th, 2011
10:43 am

abc is correct. Reality begins with an honest personal assessment. Then one can make better choices.

Leggs

November 9th, 2011
10:43 am

@kimmie ~ I checked out “just engaged.” Lots of grey for 43, but the profile of her picture reminds me of a younger looking Ruby Dee.

SexyCool

November 9th, 2011
10:45 am

kimmie – they *both* look at least ten years older than stated.

SexyCool

November 9th, 2011
10:47 am

Heavy D is one of those people who ya’ kinda feel like you really knew him.

SexyCool

November 9th, 2011
10:47 am

Or that you at least really wanted to be friends with.

Randyt (aka...Been There, Done That, Have a Closet Full of T-Shirts)

November 9th, 2011
10:48 am

@ SexyCool…a guy that worked for me said that he was sick of going to the bars, buying drinks for all the prettiest ones, and still going home at the end of the night with the ugliest woman anyway. His new philosophy was that he was “going ugly early” so he didn’t waste time and money with the results ending up the same anyway. A time and motion study consultant would applaud that philosophy.

SexyCool

November 9th, 2011
10:50 am

T-Shirts – that is funny. Makes sense from his end. But funny nonetheless.

disco

November 9th, 2011
10:51 am

it’s 84 degrees in our office. 84 degrees. heavy d was indeed the man. you couldn’t tell me nothing when I finally got a pair of coca cola jeans with a coca cola rugby shirt. I listened to “black coffee, no sugar no cream” this morning. don’t know the name of the song but y’all know what I’m talking about.