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Dating: Ready to hear the magic number?

The next time you get the crazy idea to bring up the “magic number”, really think carefully if it’s worth it. It is important to have an honest discussion about your partner’s sexual health, but too much detail could end up being problematic.

I know we all say we are mature enough to handle info about our partner’s past, but the reality is, that’s not always the case. One thing we seem to get hung up on is not knowing about the context of the number. You wonder if there were multiple relationships or multiple hook-ups – or both. As soon as we get the digits (digit?), we start doing the mental math of how many partners, per year of sexual activity.

The number starts doing a number on the relationship and then there is trouble in paradise. I have seen it happen a lot! So are you really ready to talk about the magic number or do you just think you are?

How do you handle the discussion of the magic number? Do you opt for full disclosure or do you go the “need to know” route?

Have you ever told someone you were dating your actual magic number or did you fudge the numbers to appear less or more?

By Wise Diva, Misadventures in Atlanta Dating

246 comments Add your comment

MzNewy

November 7th, 2011
7:42 am

LOL “the number” I answer honestly. My thing is that folks should not ask questions that they may not be able to handle the answer to…Good Monday morning MIA.

CoolShadow

November 7th, 2011
7:51 am

Do people still actually ask that? So far, only one woman has asked me that and I fudged the number because I knew how she’d process the answer (i.e., without logic, context and matching up her number against mine).

Kat

November 7th, 2011
8:38 am

Similar to “it’s not the years; it’s the mileage,” I think the number isn’t important – it’s who was involved in those numbers that matters. If your number is “3,” but those people were in one fell swoop; well, that paints a very different picture when you paint by the numbers.

Stonethrower

November 7th, 2011
8:51 am

Reminds me of the time Julio got robbed on Sanford and Son and the robbers told Fred when he asked who it was. “You don’t know and you don’t want to know”!

SlimNu

November 7th, 2011
8:52 am

Good morning,

Oh the “Numbers” convo again…Unless you’re a sex addict, used to be a prostitute/gigalo/porn star, or have some sort of STD, I think it’s really pointless to ask because more often than not, you won’t be getting the real number anyway.

Adam Lambert

November 7th, 2011
9:05 am

hey why not just talk openly about any pertinent issues you have with sex, instead of playing these mindless games then months later somebody’s getting cursed at, cheated on, talked about, slapped around, thrown own, or killed! Then, if not the latter, the stupid process goes on again!

sheeesh!

Adam Lambert

November 7th, 2011
9:06 am

thrown “out”

OUCH ! i bumped my head

November 7th, 2011
9:13 am

Don’t stir none they won’t be none is my motto Besides thats my busniess and another motto is “Don’t ask any questions you might not like the answer to” AKA your busniess.

your daddy

November 7th, 2011
9:25 am

As a gay man, if I insisted on low milage dates / partners, I would have to date 16 year olds! Seriously, how many men don’t sleep around as much as possible when single? Is it really a rational expectation for a typical man in this modern time to be completely celibate when not in a relationship?

Leggs

November 7th, 2011
9:26 am

Good morning.

I don’t bother with one’s number. Never have. As long as I know he is disease free, have never had a disease, I’m fine. The past is the past. I expect him to have a number. I don’t have the number’s conversation. From what I heard from others, it never leads to a constructive conversation.

SlimNu

November 7th, 2011
9:27 am

YD: I don’t think anyone said In between relationship sex was a No-go. I’m sure for many folks that IBRS is what gets them though those single times

OUCH ! i bumped my head

November 7th, 2011
9:28 am

your daddy is right gay or straight

OUCH ! i bumped my head

November 7th, 2011
9:29 am

Ditto to leggs

DreamsMaterialize

November 7th, 2011
9:29 am

Morning
I never ask anyone, and I’ve only had one woman ask me that in several years of dating. What is it that you’re really trying to glean from that information? Health, sexual behavior, freak meter? Why not, instead, ask questions that more directly address issues?

Leggs

November 7th, 2011
9:29 am

Also, if you aren’t falling through because my vaginal walls are loose, enjoy the ride and be quiet. Kinda kidding…

your daddy

November 7th, 2011
9:34 am

And which single, 20 or 30 something man (or sometimes women) … doesn’t get it on as much as possible? For the most part, hormones + youth = slut.

People lie, but be careful

November 7th, 2011
9:38 am

People likely won’t tell you the truth, but ask anyway. Also check out the Sex section in ‘Living Well Despite Catchin’ Hell; The Black Woman’s Guide to Health, Sex and Happiness’. The statistics will scare you, epecially for folks in the ATL. For men and women to read. See: http://www.amazon.com/Living-Well-Despite-Catching-Hell/dp/0964355477/ref=ntt_at_ep_dpi_3 [but good erotic poems are given as a treat for educating yourself, also the benefits of good, safe, healthy sex are discussed.].

Exiled!

November 7th, 2011
9:44 am

So Wise Diva keeps a ledger if her number,ha?

And ‘context of the number’?

that’s another new euphamism I didn’t know about. (???)

Just use condoms instead of talking about numbers and if u really want her and want to hit raw,a blood test will do.

If u still not satisfied then ask her if she’s a Virgin.

If not,the KIM

Asking for her numbers will get a guy cursed Big time!

Good morning!

Exiled!

November 7th, 2011
9:46 am

A ledger of her numbers!

SlimNu

November 7th, 2011
9:50 am

Why not, instead, ask questions that more directly address issues?

Chick: I’m sooo glad you decided to actually use my number and I’ve been enjoying this brief time getting to know you.

Dude: Me too, but let’s not jump the gun just yet. This is only the beginning.

Chick: hehehehe, I know that silly. That takes time.

Dude: Well, actually i’m a bit older now so time is what I don’t want to waste.

Chick: Mmmmk? So, what is it you want to know?

Dude: Hmmm, let’s see??? What’s your favorite color?

Chick: Oooh, that’s a hard one. Just kidding…that’s easy. It’s purple.

Dude: Easy huh? How about have you ever been arrested before?

Chick: Oh heck no! How about you?

Dude: Hold ya horse sweetie. I’m not done yet. I’m just now getting down to the nitty gritty.

Chick: wow, ummm…okie dokie Mr. Running the Show. (giggles)

Dude: Time to get a little more deep. So….um….(voice deepens) Have you ever danced with the devil in the pale moonlight?

Click…dial tone

Dude: Hello?? Figures! I knew she was a slut, Next!

GoldPig

November 7th, 2011
9:56 am

As Chris Rock so eloquently put it, “Just be glad you’re f*cking her now.”

Robert

November 7th, 2011
10:05 am

Whenever I meet someone new and we both enjoy each others conversation and the questions turn to personal subjects such as passion and sex I always remind myself of how fortunate I am to be in the company of a beautiful woman who I am not worthy of due to my own life experiences (too many female sex partners to count). At this point in my life I try to highlight the goodness in this person not her past. I am a romantic and appreciate a woman who wants to date one man only. Most guys would prefer to date a thousand women. “I would prefer to love one woman a thousands times.” I hope I am not judged by my past.

abc

November 7th, 2011
10:06 am

A chick will not tell you the truth about it, so why ask? You’re not “going where no man has gone before”. Accept it. If she’s unacceptable in some kind of moral or ethical way, you don’t have to know the number to figure that out.

Whenever a chick has asked me about my number, I just say, “Well, what’s yours?” That usually prompted a subject change.

kimmie

November 7th, 2011
10:10 am

Morning Peeps!

I’ve only been asked once, and I really didn’t answer then. That was about 20 years ago. Like CoolShadow said, do folks still ask that? I’ve always thought it was stupid anyway.

I still go back to what I always say. Take your time and really get to know a person. Asking that stupid number question to me is being lazy. Dig deeper and try to gauge what a person is really about and their lifestyle. Some stupid arbitrary number really won’t get you anywhere.

How was everyone’s weekend? Mine was relaxing. Saw that movie Bad Teacher. It was cute.

kimmie

November 7th, 2011
10:12 am

If she’s unacceptable in some kind of moral or ethical way, you don’t have to know the number to figure that out.

abc I agree!!

Robert – Nice post.

oneofeach4me

November 7th, 2011
10:14 am

I have never asked numbers. He will wrap it up until the relationship is a monogamous one and it’s been at least a year AND once we have both had blood test to rule out and STD’s or Diseases. Numbers don’t give you ALL the info you need, cause it only takes sleeping with one person to catch something.

SexyCool

November 7th, 2011
10:14 am

Why does this keep coming up?

SexyCool

November 7th, 2011
10:17 am

And I certainly don’t think anything about the number is “magic.” (lol)

kimmie

November 7th, 2011
10:19 am

SCool – I wonder why it keeps coming up too, but maybe because there is a movie coming out about it.

Mike P

November 7th, 2011
10:20 am

Good Morning,

No one should be asking/telling about numbers, this INCLUDES credit scores! As that number has nothing to do with the present person, rather her/his past…

Lady~

November 7th, 2011
10:26 am

Morning MIA!

Lady~

November 7th, 2011
10:27 am

good post Mike P I certainly agree!

SlimNu

November 7th, 2011
10:27 am

Sounds like we’ve pretty much summed this up, again. What’s the new pre-noon topic?

O/T: Have any of you seen that show Will To Live? They are reenactments of true life stories. The one I recently saw was about the chick in 2009 in DC that made up a story that she was pregnant to her family, boyfriend, friends. Well, she had to produce a baby at some point. So she lured this pregnant homeless chick by telling her she worked for an agency that helps provide clothes, furniture etc for babies. Well, she kidnapped her for 3/4 days and sliced the ladies stomach open with a box cutter. Surprisingly, the mother and baby survived after escaping from the apartment on the 4th day, with stomach & organs falling out. I recall the story but didn’t really know all the details. I was like WHOA!!

SexyCool

November 7th, 2011
10:28 am

A movie? Who knew?

I mean I expect topics to be washed, rinsed and repeated from time to time, but this one seems to appear with greater frequency than most.

kimmie

November 7th, 2011
10:31 am

SCool – I think it’s called “What’s Your Number?”, a romantic comedy.

And yeah, it’s always rather stupid.

Celisea

November 7th, 2011
10:31 am

Morning Lovelies,

Number? Magic number? I have no problem answering TRUTHFULLY however and IMO, this type question would be a red flag for any man asking. I would want to know why you want to know? If you’re feeling me then go for it but don’t be tryna find out first. Anything outside of you or aside from you is not really not your business.

IMO, most men that want to know the number know that they done a ton of women but want to make sure you ain’t been trekked through like they’ve done to others….that’s just my opinion though. It’s like they want to be a wh@re but want the woman they get to be presteen and virginal.

I also think people (man or woman) say what they think you want to hear. You want a virgin? Then you be the virgin you want. You want a woman presteen….you get it done first. Don’t run through a ton of women and ruin it for some other cat and THEN you want someone that can’t even find their cl@t.

GracieL

November 7th, 2011
10:33 am

I don’t ask and I don’t tell. However, I am happy to produce my paperwork (current lab results) upon request! Sadly, I don’t meet many men who are “man enough” to do the same, though. Too bad for them.

Lady~

November 7th, 2011
10:34 am

good post C!

Celisea

November 7th, 2011
10:35 am

Hey Lady….how are you this lovely Monday morning?

SexyCool

November 7th, 2011
10:38 am

Well, being that there is a movie coming out, I’m sure that more folks will make this an issue.

Celisea

November 7th, 2011
10:38 am

Anybody see the story on the coach at Penn State? Made me ill. Someone claims they saw him having sex in the shower with a 10 year old. Just makes me ill. Nasty joker

http://gma.yahoo.com/penn-state-officials-step-down-amid-child-abuse-081520222.html

Celisea

November 7th, 2011
10:39 am

SexyC – I’m sure. Too in this day and age where anything goes, I would think numbers get tossed out as well.

SlimNu

November 7th, 2011
10:39 am

To add, I know a person would probably freak out if their SO had a HUGE number of partners…but would it make one feel anymore relaxed if the SO were still a virgin or only had slept with one other person? (speaking for the 30 and older crew)

Button

November 7th, 2011
10:39 am

Good morning, I’m with you Gracie on the I don’t ask and I don’t tell, however, what’s more important to me is your s exual health then your number game.

Celisea

November 7th, 2011
10:40 am

They say he’s molested as many as 8 boys and that when the head coach was made aware of the shower scene he reported. They say though nothing was really done. Nasty joker.

SexyCool

November 7th, 2011
10:41 am

What’s my number? “More than some. Fewer than many.”

SlimNu

November 7th, 2011
10:41 am

Seems like many of the “romantic comedies” as of late have been about casual sex, friends with benefits, your number etc….

Celisea

November 7th, 2011
10:42 am

Slim – but would it make one feel anymore relaxed if the SO were still a virgin or only had slept with one other person?

Good question. Most (men) on here have said (historically) they don’t want a virgin. Remember the dude that said he was cool with a woman that’s had 20 or so partners? That all she could bring was more goodies (extracted from others) for him? Of course I don’t necessarily think it takes 20 dudes to learn 20 tricks but that’s what he said.

SlimNu

November 7th, 2011
10:43 am

What’s my number? Um, if someone asked me my number, I’d tell them (603) 413-4127 :lol: (check it out)

your daddy

November 7th, 2011
10:44 am

SlimNu-

If a 20 plus year old to around 25 year old is a virgin, that person is most likely a member of a conservative religions denomination. However, if that is not the case, the person is either extreemly fugly or has some mental issues.

30 and older? Should not be a virgin and has most likely had multiple bf’s or is divorced.