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Dating: Good together on paper?

It is one of those things that happens to the best of us. You meet someone who appears to have a boatload of things in common with you. Similar background, upbringing, likes, dislikes, even your taste in music matches up! Then dating commences and the attraction wanes instead of grows. What happened?!

It’s when you are good on paper but not in real life. The things that we consider super important for compatibility does not always translate to hot and heavy relationships with great chemistry. You can never predict it but is it something we can create?

Do you ever meet people who you seem to match well with in theory, but not in practice?

Is the chemistry really important or can you begin a love affair with someone who is simply compatible to you? What happens when you realize you are only good on paper?

By Wise Diva, Misadventures in Atlanta Dating Blog

272 comments Add your comment

MzNewy

November 2nd, 2011
7:21 am

When you are only good together on paper it’s because you may be basing your ideal mate on the wrong things. That’s when you bounce….it’ll never work. Chemistry is very important. If you don’t have chemistry you will eventually tire of the relationship.

THE INFAMOUS DK

November 2nd, 2011
8:02 am

Yep the story of my past marriage.

SlimNu

November 2nd, 2011
8:20 am

Morning all,

DK, are you ok? I know it’s up to the reader to sort of place their own feeling of words on a screen but you seem a little I dunno lately.

Lady~

November 2nd, 2011
8:34 am

all the time I meet this person we are great on paper but it never goes any where which is fine…..can’t fake the funk to look good on the outside and miserable inside…….its just not my time for that relationship or marriage and its OK……..

Randyt (aka...Been There, Done That, Have a Closet Full of T-Shirts)

November 2nd, 2011
8:37 am

So many variables are involved that it is a wonder any relationship “takes hold”.

1) Are most of the “checks” on the checklist in place?
2) Are they real or contrived?
3) Do you like her when you meet?
4) Does she like you when you meet?
5) Is it a lack of chemistry or is one or the other shy or reserved in the early encounters?
6) Is the chemistry real in both directions or is one’s hopes overiding his/her powers of interpretation?

…and the list goes on. One of the biggest potential hazards is trying to overanalyze…best is to just relax, go with the flow, and if he/she goes out with you again, that is a good sign.

sfw

November 2nd, 2011
8:41 am

Gotta have some of the good on paper stuff first before I will even consider dating, chemistry comes a little later, I won’t date a girl if up front she has a ton of baggage, don’t care how much she said she has changed if the lasting effects are still there it don’t matter to me. Gotta have chemistry.

The man formerly know as Dan - still...Superior

November 2nd, 2011
8:43 am

@McNewsy

I would contend that the search for the ever elusive “chemistry” is the downfall of most relationships.

Passion, lust, sexual desire are components of ‘chemistry’, but as I take it – garnered by the conversations here and elsewhere – some people take ‘chemistry’ to mean an overwhelming feeling of completeness combined with a nervous exictement; awaiting some undefined, yet highly sought after moment of clarity that “this is the one”.

^^right there is crazy to me

LeeH1

November 2nd, 2011
8:44 am

What people put on paper are often things that are used as bait, but don’t signify in a long term or committed relationship. Walks along the beach at sunset are great for pulling in a chick’s interest, but what she really wants to know is do you have a steady job; are you a good provider; are you nuturing and supportive; do you have any debts, drug or drinking problems, or gambling habits; are you clean and neat.

Anything on paper is just the beginning. Remember, men or women need to pique your interest by saying the right things- but only after you meet them will you find out what they are really like. Best method of all is to be introduced by family or close friends. Dating strangers mean there are always hidden things, unknown things, and un-revealed things.

Ron Burgundy

November 2nd, 2011
8:45 am

Some girls are good with a paper bag…over their head.

Lady~

November 2nd, 2011
8:46 am

@randy love this —–>…and the list goes on. One of the biggest potential hazards is trying to overanalyze…best is to just relax, go with the flow, and if he/she goes out with you again, that is a good sign.

sfw

November 2nd, 2011
8:47 am

Dan :)
Randy :)
Lee :( I don’t pretend to know the interests of a woman now, too many of them are too different

MzNewy

November 2nd, 2011
8:53 am

@Dan…nah chemistry is not the snap crackle and pop of the relationship it’s the “fit without force” thing that holds it together (at least that is how I describe chemistry for me).

The man formerly know as Dan - still...Superior

November 2nd, 2011
8:55 am

O/T

Liking the new look at VSB.com

The man formerly know as Dan - still...Superior

November 2nd, 2011
8:58 am

@McNew

“Fit without force?”

Do you really think two people with different backgrounds, growing up in different households, with different customs, are going to fit without any friction? Do you think that’s possible?

Or could it be that one party has decided not to rock the boat, thus acquiescing to the desires of the other person with a ulterior motive?

CoolShadow

November 2nd, 2011
8:59 am

Paper is two-dimensional; people are three-dimensional. Dating allows you to explore that other dimension that paper can’t produce or emulate and you get to see how much depth (or lack thereof) there is in third dimension. People can brag and words on paper can manipulated to enhance one’s persona, but action confirms/disproves/verifies it all.

Button

November 2nd, 2011
9:04 am

Do you ever meet people who you seem to match well with in theory, but not in practice? Yep

Is the chemistry really important or can you begin a love affair with someone who is simply compatible to you? Being compatible is for friendships/acquaintances, you need chemistry for something more profound and loving.

What happens when you realize you are only good on paper? Absolutely nothing, or you try to make it work only for it to end.

Lady~

November 2nd, 2011
9:05 am

agree cool shadow…..

SlimNu

November 2nd, 2011
9:11 am

Folks can be ‘good on paper’ but fall flat with real life interaction…folks can have super duper chemistry but on paper look like a hurricane. Neither situation gurantees anything. No one will meet every box on your checklist and may not make the skies open up and the rays of sunshine gleam upon your brow everyday either.

Lady~

November 2nd, 2011
9:16 am

so Slim the next question maybe do you happily compromise and or settle?!? Just asking……..and if so when do you halt your tolerance?!?

Lady~

November 2nd, 2011
9:23 am

and IMO neither components have to be negative as settling has a negative connotation……

Randyt (aka...Been There, Done That, Have a Closet Full of T-Shirts)

November 2nd, 2011
9:25 am

kind of makes one think of a “long term relationship” as one with two dates…beyond that is a complete unknown, fraught with “DANGER Will Robinson!!!”.

Randyt (aka...Been There, Done That, Have a Closet Full of T-Shirts)

November 2nd, 2011
9:27 am

Actually dating is remarkably similar to “Lost In Space”. You never know what the next week will bring.

HST

November 2nd, 2011
9:32 am

I just simply add her to the friend list. If we had so much in common then we should be friends. Plus we all know that friendship sometimes blossoms into love.

I have found that usually opposites attract. Not like bi-polar opposites but individuals with different interests. Personally, I don’t want my SO to be into all the things I am. I enjoy having my own activities and hobbies. I also enjoy hearing and learning about my SO’s interests and hobbies as well.

It would bother me to no ends if my love interest (no matter what level of commitment) would not have her own agenda. For me as long as we see eye to eye morally (principles that every person of any faith can embrace) and socially then we’re set.

Celisea

November 2nd, 2011
9:36 am

Morning,

Ms. Newy I like that 8:53. Good post HST. Nothing more for me to add.

Lady~

November 2nd, 2011
9:41 am

I wish more men thought like that HST……….that is refreshing!

Leggs

November 2nd, 2011
9:45 am

Good morning.

Is the chemistry really important – Most Definitely – or can you begin a love affair with someone who is simply compatible to you? Interesting choice of words. Going on the words, yeah I think an “affair” an begin simply on compatibility.

Although “compatibility” has many layers, those layers must mesh with other criteria. I don’t think both have to be 100% compatible in all things. That’s why so often opposites do attract.

What happens when you realize you are only good on paper? You should go to your corner and re-evaulate what needs to be fine tuned. What I put on paper is to pique your curiosity in wanting to know more about me. Hopefully enough for contact off paper where we can get to know a little more about each other.

@MsNewzy ~ I like “it’s the fit without the force” Very true!

SlimNu

November 2nd, 2011
9:46 am

Lady – you have to do what’s best for you. Sit down and figure out if what the person you’re dating has going on, is something you can deal with w/o feeling jipped or compromising yourself and if he/she adds to your happiness. Somethings we program ourselves to deem as dealbreakers that really aren’t relevent in real life…some are very valid. Would a person scratch a prospect off the list if he stole a video game as a teen, went to jail but since is has been an upstanding citizen, all because you don’t want a guy that’s gotten in trouble? That would be irrelevant now if that was the only situation. A guy with 8 kids by 7 diff chicks and doesn’t take care of them would be a little more serious.

Lady~

November 2nd, 2011
9:50 am

good assessment slim……thanks chica~

Celisea

November 2nd, 2011
9:53 am

I meant to cosign Kym’s post the other day for a blog Chistmas shingdig.

That’s two votes

SexyCool

November 2nd, 2011
9:54 am

Do you ever meet people who you seem to match well with in theory, but not in practice? Yes. I have. I have met men that would have seemed to be ideal as romantic interests and I have met women who you would think we would become fast friends. Doesn’t always happen. Such is life.

Is the chemistry really important or can you begin a love affair with someone who is simply compatible to you? The thing about chemical reactions is that sometimes there is a spark for instant combustion. Then there are times when there is a slow reaction rate. And the end of the day, you still have a fire. (And *that* is exactly what happened with me and TheDude.)

What happens when you realize you are only good on paper? KIM – Keep it moving.

Exiled!

November 2nd, 2011
10:05 am

How about if the 8 kids are from the same baby mama Slim? :lol:

good morning!

@LeeH1!

…..’introduced by family or close friends. ….strangers means there are always hidden things,unknown things etc’

I like this!

@Ron….paper bag over their head!’

that’s tough….eehhhh but sadly true too! :lol:

@Dan!
..search for elusive ‘chemistry’ is downfall of most
kinda agree

A lot of single chics on this blog have that fantasy in their heads.

I’m just on an endorsement walk this morning…

disco

November 2nd, 2011
10:05 am

hey guys. I’m a fan of the “on-paper” check list since the things that I want on paper consist of some non-negotiables as well as preferences. I figure on-paper is a good place to start and if the rest falls into place, great. if it doesn’t, you move on to the next one.

kimmie

November 2nd, 2011
10:20 am

Morning All!

I’ve had that happen more than I care to remember – match up great on paper, only to fall flat in real life. I recognize that part of it was my wanting it to happen because I thought it SHOULD. You have to let stuff happen naturally. The basics you can put on paper, but other stuff that will make or break a relationship is non-tangible. For example, your personalities just may not mesh. Stuff like warmth,maturity level, compassion in the context of a relationship, that can’t be put on a resume. Sure, both of you might volunteer for Habitat for Humanity, but that doesn’t necessarily mean you are warm and fuzzy when you come home. So yeah, “fit without force”, someone that “gets” you – that for me is chemistry, and it’s not an elusive thing. Because you have chemistry with someone, it doesn’t automatically mean the relationship is going to work. Other factors still must come into play.Otherwise, as HST said, at the very least you have a new good friend, maybe a professional contact.

kimmie

November 2nd, 2011
10:23 am

I think you need both – the “paper” stuff and the chemistry. If you discount either, I think you are fooling yourself.

Fion

November 2nd, 2011
10:28 am

@ LeeH1 / Exiled

There are known knowns. These are things we know that we know.
There are known unknowns. That is to say, there are things that we know we don’t know.
But there are also unknown unknowns. There are things we don’t know we don’t know.

Lady~

November 2nd, 2011
10:34 am

you have to study relationships, and not just your own relationships, using your mind more than your heart…..got to change your energy………that is for me……

Exiled!

November 2nd, 2011
10:35 am

Fion

U are parlaying that skill of (unknowns-nuclear physics??) to mean:Assume 100% risk,it’s okay?

THE INFAMOUS DK

November 2nd, 2011
10:39 am

Slim – Dahlin Im perfect.. You know you get to a point where you begin to share things in order to help someone else.. I hope my divorce can help save someones marriage or relationship. Im on a new path to clarity and understanding and in order to get there one has to be totally honest with themselves.

THE INFAMOUS DK

November 2nd, 2011
10:41 am

Slim – And I spoke about this the other day.. And i didnt want to rehash it again about the looking good on paper thing.. Actually I havent been this happy in a long time.. Life is good..

THE INFAMOUS DK

November 2nd, 2011
10:43 am

Excellent Post Leggs – Compatibility has layers. That is a true statement.. Fer sure..

kimmie

November 2nd, 2011
10:44 am

DK -You sound wonderful. That positive spirit hopefully will be infectous to others!

Lady~

November 2nd, 2011
10:49 am

scenario: 34 year old male been teaching for 5 years and now wants to peruse his passion of going to medical school to be a gyn or dentist……has two kids and recently divorced……..I am not sure what I am pondering but I applaud his stance to peruse his goals but what about the daily livelihood… he did say God will make a way and I support that but I did ask more what about the plan of action to get there….

Fion

November 2nd, 2011
10:52 am

In the middle of football season it’s only fitting that I use a football analogy to comment on the topic.
There’s an old saying in football, the schedule only matters the day of the contest.
You see, you can never look ahead to a game and say this is a win, that one’s a loss because things change.
A game that you thought was a win is now loss because key guys on your team are out.
A game that you counted as a loss in now a win because key players on the opposing team are out.
There’s an ebb and flow to life that demands flexibility and courage on your part to navigate the game of life.

On paper doesn’t matter and truthfully doesn’t count for much. It’s reality that counts.

Lady~

November 2nd, 2011
10:52 am

& I was just updated you can’t do medical school part-time …….hmmmmmm this is a prospect I am chatting with…..just interesting

kimmie

November 2nd, 2011
10:54 am

Lady- As long as he has a sound plan, it can be done, because I have seen it. I’ve known of 2 instances where the people were older than he that have gone back to pursue med/dental school.

A realistic plan that includes a good support system is needed. And faith.

Leggs

November 2nd, 2011
10:56 am

Thanks DK! I like reading your posts and what you have to say. I see myself in most of what you write.

@kimmie ~ I’m with you 100%. We can match up great on paper, but when time comes to meet, someone is disappointed and its shown by not hearing from the person again.

Case in point, I met this guy that I’ve been talking to for about a month for lunch. We had great conversations through email and phone convo, not one text msg (that was refreshing). He said I was better looking than my picture. Nice compliment. I wanted to meet the person behind the phone and email and I wanted him to meet me. Greeted each othe with a warm hug at a restaurant and conversation still going strong. I assumed he invited me to lunch he would be paying. Never crossed my mind to ask. Check came and he immediately told me my share. Without missing a beat I said ok and pulled out my wallet. I deflated a littled. After we paid he said he would call me later that evening. I proceeded to get up but he remained sitting. I asked aren’t we leaving now. He said he had to wait for his ride to come back and get him. He doesn’t have a car. Nothing but sour taste in my mouth. Haven’t heard from him since and he hasn’t heard from me. #1 lesson = never assume anything or take anything for granted. Dating is nothing what I thought it would be thus far.

One day I’m going to come on this bad boy and NOT give a MIA story (LOLOL).

Exiled!

November 2nd, 2011
10:57 am

‘Recently divorced’
@Lady?

how recent?

DreamsMaterialize

November 2nd, 2011
11:00 am

Good Morning
Then dating commences and the attraction wanes instead of grows. What happened?!
I think this is usually the case when people aren’t honest with themselves about what they really want in a person. They have a list of things that they think they are SUPPOSED to want. Then they get those things and realize it’s not what they really wanted. Be honest with yourself about what you want and don’t worry about what others will think. They don’t have to live with the consequences of your choices.

THE INFAMOUS DK

November 2nd, 2011
11:00 am

Lady – You have to see it in his eyes. If this is something he really wants to do then you have to support him. Has he ever given you any inclination that he’s a sorry dude. Ahistory of not working or not handling his business. If he hasnt look at it this way. He’s thought about what he’s gonna do to take care of his bills. WAY more than you. And if you want this to work you have to support him. because he is in sacrifice mode. And you dont want to be a part of his sacrifice. where you are sacrificed with all the other things he doesnt need to obtain his goal. if his eye show his determination. You cant stop it. Either ride or get out the way. Sorry but i want you to get a clear picture of whats happening.

Exiled!

November 2nd, 2011
11:01 am

Just cracking up!

:lol: :lol:

Miss Adventures!

Nice story Leggs!!

Lady~

November 2nd, 2011
11:01 am

Kimmie that is my point a solid plan is what I am seeking……and trust I know it can be done and truly support the efforts but without a plan I can’t ride seriously

Exiled three years for him four years for me

Lady~

November 2nd, 2011
11:03 am

DK love that male’s POV! Thank You!

Celisea

November 2nd, 2011
11:04 am

Awe man…this is so neat….I’m on a telepresence meeting with about 12 ladies for 2 days….some I’ve met in traveling conferences, some I haven’t. Not sure how I’ll feel after two days of this but this is neat!!

Celisea

November 2nd, 2011
11:10 am

And not that I’m into people but I’m in a room across from the President of Georgia for my corporation. We have another one of these rooms on another floot that I typically use with my manager. This is the executive’s site. All the execs located in Georgia are on this floor. We have 200,000 plus employees just to indicate the scale.

Ut oh, there’s no eating in this location. Lunch is being sent in to me…not sure how Imma pull this off. There are a ton of offices around me.

Fion

November 2nd, 2011
11:12 am

@Lady
I’mma drop this and I’ve got to go.

Lead singer for Led Zepplin Jimmy Page wrote a song (Ten Years Gone).
The story behind the song. Long before they became famous, he had a girlfriend that gave him an ultimatum. “Choose your music or me”. Needless to say, as they say and the rest is history.

SexyCool

November 2nd, 2011
11:13 am

Leggs – you have the most interesting misadventures is.

Lady~

November 2nd, 2011
11:14 am

naw Fion no ultimatum here….that isn’t my stance my stance is more so fear and that a personal flaw bc faith and fear can’t exist…..I just don’t want him to fail but I have to believe and see it through…..the unkown is scary

Exiled!

November 2nd, 2011
11:15 am

Tweet that Celisea tweet that

Or Facebook that

Let ur friends know

:lol:

kimmie

November 2nd, 2011
11:17 am

Leggs – I hope he didn’t call you back because he was embarrassed. SMH

Dream – Hey there! Like your post. Especially about not worrying about what others think because they don’t have to live with your choice. Folks can sit back all day and comment on your relationship and what you OUGHT to do, but they are not the ones in it.

Lady~

November 2nd, 2011
11:18 am

I must admit I take very few risk which isn’t good bc I become complacent…… that is a personalty flaw I recognize……hell starting back grad school wasn’t easy for me especially since I started three times in my twenties and fail……I am just looking at the amount of time and dedication one will have to give to medical school and the children that are involved and everything in between………….but through faith I know it can be done….the physical eye is tricky!

Fion

November 2nd, 2011
11:20 am

@ Lady

Cool. Cool. Not saying you were giving ultimatums, but more of the story line. Sometimes you’ve got to go through it, too get to it.

…..and like birthday cake in a room with a fat boy, I’m gone.
….

Exiled!

November 2nd, 2011
11:23 am

Lady?

Has he asked u out?

Or u just talking and u are salivating on ur own coz he happens to tie all thats on ur checklist…?

Lady~

November 2nd, 2011
11:23 am

cool I did pick that up too thanks so much too!!!

Celisea

November 2nd, 2011
11:24 am

Shuddup Melloo

Lady~

November 2nd, 2011
11:25 am

we’ve been out sir why……you are too funny……..smh I am not that pressed either I am taking it slow

kimmie

November 2nd, 2011
11:25 am

Lady – Is this someone you just met? That could be a factor too. Have you asked him straight out how he plans to do it? That could relieve some of your concerns.

It really will be a test of faith, even with the best laid plans. You have to be honest with yourself and him and decide if you are up to it.

Celisea

November 2nd, 2011
11:25 am

Leggs – Wow, that’s just crazy.

Leggs

November 2nd, 2011
11:26 am

@Ex/SexyC ~ I’m realizing this. Why is this crazy stuff happening to me? I most certainly recognize I’m the common denominator in all this, but I haven’t been given a chance to f…..up anything yet! :wink:

OM Goodness, just saw the IS! Cute!

@kimmie ~ he hasn’t called back.

Leggs

November 2nd, 2011
11:27 am

I will say this, one MUST, absolutely MUST have a thick skin.

Leggs

November 2nd, 2011
11:28 am

Never mind, kimmie, I think that’s the reason too.

MzNewy

November 2nd, 2011
11:32 am

@ Dan. I never said we don’t have friction. What I said it just fits without force. He is the ying to my yang. no we don’t share a brain or anything like that. Instead we accept each other as we are….we have that fire and spark…after all these years I still get the butterflies in my stomach when I see him. He still makes my heart pound an extra beat or two. He is the love of my life. Fit without force is just like loving your job…it doesn’t seem like work because you enjoy it.

Lady~

November 2nd, 2011
11:34 am

Kimmie its fairly new……..we are just discussing our goals and values and this was his……..

Randyt (aka...Been There, Done That, Have a Closet Full of T-Shirts)

November 2nd, 2011
11:35 am

Dayum Leggs…was he looking for a Sugar Mama? I know that has to hurt to have one’s hopes dashed like that. As for the guy, I’ve been busted flat and up to my azzz in debt too, but I had no problem understanding at that time why I wasn’t being welcomed with open arms by desirable ladies. As painful as it is, there are times when one (and I’ve been there) has to accept reality and watch the game from the sidelines until one’s situtation improves.

THE INFAMOUS DK

November 2nd, 2011
11:37 am

Lady – Fear is the devil. You have to step out on faith. Listen. I was with my former company for 14 years. Out of fear. I left and havent looked back. I’ve not only doubled my salary and have the opportunity to learn again. I feel like Im adding value again. If he wants to step out on faith, then he will. God will make a way. If he believes it will happen. Cause what God has for you its yours. IE: I had been interviewing for months and when it came time for the job for me. I inteviewed and got the job the next day. A perfect fit. I had asked God to give me something close enough to my sons school and not in alpharetta cause thats where most tech jobs are. And all my prayers were answered. So……

Randyt (aka...Been There, Done That, Have a Closet Full of T-Shirts)

November 2nd, 2011
11:40 am

Sorry for the marriage issue DK, but liked your attitude about the job. Most of us have had that “Where’s God” moment, and why is he standing up in the clouds with his hands in his pockets…but things change when they are meant to. It’s all good.

Lady~

November 2nd, 2011
11:41 am

Look @ you DK!!!!! you made me smile!!!!! I am happy for you!

SexyCool

November 2nd, 2011
11:42 am

I’m sure buddy had been on dates where the chick didn’t give him the side eye for not paying the check and not having a car. Seems as if he was able to judge by Leggs’ response that er, um…yeah…no…that was NOT cool with her; hence his reason for not contacting her again.

DreamsMaterialize

November 2nd, 2011
11:45 am

kimmie How are you this morning? Things are busy, but good on my end. I don’t worry about what other people think, and I never try to discourage anyone from wanting what they want.

Lady How have you been? Good to see you on. When I was in grad school, I had a buddy in med school who was married and going through a divorce. Before they got engaged, he told her that med school was in his plans and that it would be VERY demanding in terms of resources, time, emotional investment, etc. He told her that he wanted to marry her and be with her forever, but that he would understand if she wanted out…no hard feelings. She swore up and down she was ok with it, so they got married and moved to Ann Arbor when he started school. Two years in, she told him that it wasn’t “what she signed up for” and that she couldn’t handle the med school lifestyle (even though he warned her before hand). This is a good example of someone not being honest about what they want or are willing to put up with. Just be honest with yourself about what you expect out of your situation.

THE INFAMOUS DK

November 2nd, 2011
11:45 am

Randy – Oh my marriage is no longer a source of ill feelings with me.. Im totally great with that situation.. Its funny cause my EX and i are really good friends these days and i value you that more than anything.. So dont feel sorry for me.. Im being entertained very well.. Trust me. I just know who I am and what I need to get by these days..

Kym

November 2nd, 2011
11:50 am

Morning All,

Not much to contribute today. @Leggs..funny..I think I am more bothered by the no car thang..than the dutch lunch. Seriously dude!?…but ok

THE INFAMOUS DK

November 2nd, 2011
11:53 am

Ummm I dont know what ya’ll are reading.. I guess Ive gone soft or something..

Revolver (2007) Andre Benjamin and Jason Staham is a great movie..

Lady~

November 2nd, 2011
11:55 am

Hi there DreamsM!!!! Look @ you reading between the lines!!!! The fear is with myself and how much can I honestly invest in this setup if it was to flourish….it sounds great on paper but the execution who the hell knows…….the selfish part of me totally wants him to do med school bc I am selfishly finishing my graduate degree and will dismiss anyone who doesn’t want to sign up on my plan of being busy and unavailable…….but the realistic side am I truly ready to embrace someone else dreams and goals…..am I truly ready to hold on tight and peruse that relationship that will in turn go to marriage bc on paper we both want to remarry but truly am I ready is the underlying FEAR factor. I scared no lie!

Lady~

November 2nd, 2011
11:56 am

On paper its an easy A+ like duh hell yeah lets do this! but my realty halts me…….smh

Into the Light

November 2nd, 2011
11:56 am

Morning, all!

@Leggs: :shock:

Not much to contribute today, but I’m enjoying reading y’all….

kimmie

November 2nd, 2011
11:58 am

Dreams – I’m good this lovely morn. Good to read ya!

I’ve seen that scenario you wrote about your med school friend quite a bit. Even saw one just like yours with it being the guy who couldn’t deal with his wife going to med school. They divorced 2 years in. Though I must say, a lot of what I saw were cases where the lady stuck by the guy thru med school and residency, only to have him break it off when he started to see the fruits of his labor. I don’t want to be discouraging, but my parents saw it happen that way quite a bit.

disco

November 2nd, 2011
12:00 pm

leggs – funny date story. not that he was waiting for his ride. he should have offered to walk you to your car and you would have never had to know he was without a car. (not that I condone deceit but I’m just saying).

Lady~

November 2nd, 2011
12:02 pm

I just don’t want to start a pattern of letting good catches go…..and it seems that is what I am creating…..there is a saying that you will know when it is right but EH! who knows right……

DreamsMaterialize

November 2nd, 2011
12:02 pm

I scared no lie!
Lady Hey that’s about as honest it gets. It’s ok though. As long as you make your choice without fear when the time comes, you’ll be just fine. Just keep living, taking each day as it comes…use time in your favor to gather the info and courage you need.

kimmie

November 2nd, 2011
12:02 pm

DK – Fear and complacency stops a lot of people from pursuing their dreams and those same fearful people often try to discourage others. Misery loves company.

Lady~

November 2nd, 2011
12:03 pm

Thanks so much DreamsM!!!!! That meant much!!!!! :)

Lady~

November 2nd, 2011
12:06 pm

well Kimmie! no discouraging here he is going to medical school without me or my approval I was just pondering my standpoint but anyway with your assessment I am not miserable with where I am I am just not in a hurry to jump out there again and fall flat like I have………its my process and I am just truthful about it

kimmie

November 2nd, 2011
12:08 pm

Lady – He sounds like a keeper. I love folks that dream BIG and go for it!

Lady~

November 2nd, 2011
12:09 pm

I know he really does!!!! *blushes* :) Thanks chica

Leggs

November 2nd, 2011
12:10 pm

@Randyt ~ like I said, one must have a thick skin. Doing my best not to let any of these MIAs linger too much, but it’s not a pleasant feeling. Nothing wrong with trying to date, but if you can’t afford to, don’t.

@SexyC ~ I can hide my emotions fairly well, but when he said he was waiting for his ride, it took everything in me not to pivot and walk the F….out of there without another word. I tried to be a lady and simply said “I hope you don’t have to wait long, bye” turned and left. I walked to my car somewhat down because he could have said this a long time ago. I was so busy making sure I don’t ask “what type of car” he drives that I forgot to ask if he has a car! Not everyone in their 50’s have a car. All of this is crazy to me, but I’m just now getting my feet wet. What I need to do is get more than my big black toe in the door before yanking it back.

kimmie

November 2nd, 2011
12:13 pm

Lady – You don’t sound miserable at all. I think what you are doing and considering sounds exciting actually. I wouldn’t put you in the “misery loves company” crowd at all.

I know people that sit back and will criticize folk like DK. They’ll say, “why would he leave a job of 14 years?”. DK didn’t just sit and complain, he took action and started looking for something he wanted and got it, whereas a lot of folk would have just stayed put, miserable and broke and took it out on others around them. I’m all to familiar with people like that.

Exiled!

November 2nd, 2011
12:18 pm

Does he like u like that Lady…he confirms that.?

34,divorced with two kids is young.

He must have been married early

Going to med school

Hmmmmm,personally I would advise u to hold tight to ur heart.

He’s gonna change once he sees what’s there in med school

Lotta of options for him

my brotherly advice

Lady~

November 2nd, 2011
12:18 pm

you are correct those folks are out there…….I feel you and thanks for seeing my POV!!!! I like yours too trust! I do support your POV too that there are many happy solid couples out there making it happen…..I hope to be in that mix soon! I am a believer!

Exiled!

November 2nd, 2011
12:20 pm

And besides,u got Big doubts urself

Ur sixth sense is telling u

But ur flesh is pounding

:lol:

Lady~

November 2nd, 2011
12:20 pm

OK I am a catch too I am 32 recently divorced and raising my credentials so we are both in the same place. yes we are attracted to each other and want to continue the pursuit….it is on us to make it happen but I am def a catch as well like him…….I am not selling myself short I meet all kinds and race of men all the time too…

SlimNu

November 2nd, 2011
12:20 pm

Trying to catch up and thaw my fingers out…

Exiled – In my world, 8 kids is 8 kids, I don’t care how many baby mama’s there are. I’m sure he wouldn’t be open to having a kid with me and frankly I can’t say I’d be enthused about having a 9th one with him. That’s a whole lot of child support. I mean, damn!…who has a whole team of kids these days?

DK – Glad to hear you’re finding clarity and are happy. :-D

Into the Light

November 2nd, 2011
12:22 pm

@Leggs….Ummm, maybe his car was in the shop? Or maybe he’s trying to live a “green” lifestyle and reduce his carbon footprint??

Lady~

November 2nd, 2011
12:24 pm

Lady~

November 2nd, 2011
12:25 pm

hush exiled I am cautious with many lol

Exiled!

November 2nd, 2011
12:25 pm

U can just be friends Lady

Get to know him better remain friends

U sure u skrong enough to do that without wanting him to jump ur bones?
If u can maybe u will find clarity in due course

DreamsMaterialize

November 2nd, 2011
12:25 pm

Thanks so much DreamsM!!!!! That meant much!!!!!
Lady Anytime. You always have a positive vibe. Just keep doing what you’re doing.

Nothing wrong with trying to date, but if you can’t afford to, don’t.
Leggs I personally lay low if I’m going though something that needs working out. I just don’t like to date while I’m tying up loose ends. I feel like you’re not giving a relationship a fair chance when you do that. The few times I’ve been in situations like that, I either didn’t date at all or I made it known up front where I was in my life. I’ve been without a car, but I never tried to hide it, and I always understood if a woman chose not to deal with me because of it.

Lady~

November 2nd, 2011
12:25 pm

wow the blog posting is funny acting….smh lol

SexyCool

November 2nd, 2011
12:25 pm

What is weird to me is that a 50+ year old got “dropped off” for a date. Couldn’t he have at least borrowed a car? I truly find it interesting the thought processes that some folks use.

Lady~

November 2nd, 2011
12:26 pm

wil doo DreamsM!!!! Exiled thanks too!!!! ;)

SexyCool

November 2nd, 2011
12:31 pm

MzNewy – I like reading the things you write about your marriage. It seems solid.

Leggs

November 2nd, 2011
12:32 pm

@Kym ~ the fact that the two of you are having this type of discussion is a good thing. Listen to your gut. Don’t back down simply because the reason is fear. You are doing yourself such a disservice if this is your reasoning.

Exiled!

November 2nd, 2011
12:33 pm

Leggs could have asked tho…she went away with her assumptions

The dutch issue proly cemented her feelings

But I have heard of guys who prefer Dutch on first few dates

Hmmmmmm

New trend

Times are changing

Lady~

November 2nd, 2011
12:38 pm

I read yesterday Exiled the new trend is women paying on the 1st date…….

Into the Light

November 2nd, 2011
12:40 pm

But I have heard of guys who prefer Dutch on first few dates

I’m okay with Dutch treat, especially if it’s meeting at a restaurant or for coffee, drinks, etc. When you’re meeting someone in person for the first time, it’s more of a friendly outing, not a “date”.

Leggs

November 2nd, 2011
12:41 pm

@ITL ~ One would say “my car is being repaired” if that’s the case. It’s an ended-ended statement “I don’t have a car!” Nothing to pick apart or play on words. He said it the way it was meant to be heard.

<em?I’ve been without a car, but I never tried to hide it, and I always understood if a woman chose not to deal with me because of it. – Excellent point. He could have said something. Let me decide if I want to always be the one to pick you up for our dates and drop you off, or meet you near a bus line and pick you up there. Possibilities are endless….but ummmm, I doubt it.

Exiled!

November 2nd, 2011
12:43 pm

ITL

how about guys who run outta minutes on their phones

or wait for free minutes late at nite before they call

broke is a mother f :lol:

U guys still on that ish?

Into the Light

November 2nd, 2011
12:46 pm

@Leggs, Okay, I misread. I thought you said he was waiting for his ride.

@Exiled: I didn’t say that I was okay with being financially irresponsible. I said I was okay with each of us paying our share – big difference.

Exiled!

November 2nd, 2011
12:56 pm

But pinching ur pennies coz u don’t have much sounds like being financial responsible to me ITL

Exiled!

November 2nd, 2011
12:57 pm

financially responsible

(don’t want to sound ghetto)

Into the Light

November 2nd, 2011
1:01 pm

Exiled, hush. You know what I meant, you’re just trying to get something stirred up. Not today, pal, not today. :)

Leggs

November 2nd, 2011
1:11 pm

@Ex ~ you’re somewhat right. I left with assumptions. I could have asked, but wasn’t interested anymore in knowing the details.

Randyt (aka...Been There, Done That, Have a Closet Full of T-Shirts)

November 2nd, 2011
1:22 pm

@ Leggs, I remember the times when my choice of lunch was hoping Sams club had some decent free samples, or the local car dealer was having 5 cent hot dogs. I remember being so broke a few months into my marriage, and our in-laws were coming to visit. We spent EVERY penny we had to prepare dinner and 30 minutes before they were to arrive, my wife says, “we don’t have a lemon for the tea”. Two minutes later we were outside looking under the car seat hoping to find a quarter to buy a lemon (we had already checked under the cushions on the couch just to buy stuff for spaghetti). Finally found 35 cents under the car seat and got past that crisis.

Yup. Got those t-shirts and have hopefully buried them WAY back in the closet. But I truly understand the meaning of the old saying, “there but for the grace of God, go I” when I see someone really down on their luck.

Leggs

November 2nd, 2011
1:33 pm

@Randyt ~ I’m not knocking anyone for being broke. I’ve been there. I can identify with checking under car seats, going without basics. Yes, sir, I can identify. Nor do I feel someone has to give me their life story all at once. Getting to know someone is a process. However, don’t talk to me like you got your isht together and you don’t. As much as I’m on this blog, I feel certain things are a given and shouldn’t have a need to be questioned. You invite me out for lunch I’m “assuming” you’re paying. Now, to think I have to ask someone after an invitation is extended to me seems weird and may come across as disrespectful. But it is what it is….

And, it may not all be on him…although he thought me cute, he may not have been feeling me either and didnt care how he came across re: we are going dutch….

Randyt (aka...Been There, Done That, Have a Closet Full of T-Shirts)

November 2nd, 2011
1:42 pm

Hey Leggs, I absolutely agree with your way of handling the situation. It just made me remember times I would prefer to forget. I remebmer sleeping in the back of a Dodge minivan for three weeks and washing at a local state park when I was kicked out of my house during the divorce. Dayum cops, you can’t find them when you need them, but you can bet your azzz they will come up and shine their flashlights into the back of a van parked in a library parking lot at 2 AM.

Now I’m trying to decide if I want a Benz convertible or a BMW ragtop. Two things I know from experience:

1) the good times don’t last…neither do the bad.
2) No matter how much I make, it isn’t enough…and no matter how little I make, I find a way to get by.

Just made me remember and look skyward with thanks :-)

Lady~

November 2nd, 2011
1:54 pm

Where did everyone go?!?

Into the Light

November 2nd, 2011
1:59 pm

(waving at Randyt) Hey!!!! I was cheering for y’all on Saturday night, but…. :(

Randyt (aka...Been There, Done That, Have a Closet Full of T-Shirts)

November 2nd, 2011
2:03 pm

Congrats ITL The Vols couldn’t beat the Vienna Boys Choir if they had to play two halfs. I’ve buried my orange stuff as far back in the closet as I can. Terrible.

Into the Light

November 2nd, 2011
2:06 pm

Awwww…. :( The ship will right itself. After all, you’ve got a Dooley at the helm!

DreamsMaterialize

November 2nd, 2011
2:06 pm

Where did everyone go?!?
Lady I guess broke dudes is not a good topic. lol

Randyt (aka...Been There, Done That, Have a Closet Full of T-Shirts)

November 2nd, 2011
2:07 pm

…but no Herschel!!!

Lady~

November 2nd, 2011
2:07 pm

too funny!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Leggs

November 2nd, 2011
2:08 pm

Nice post, Randyt. I was looking around my house just last night thankful for that I have. Never tried to keep up with The Joneses. Hell, I don’t even know their first names so why should I try to emulate them (tks SexyC). I don’t have a lot, but what I have is mine. I know where I came from and I know my struggle. It’s all good because all of it helped me build character. There’s no comfort in “fronting.”

Nothing lasts forever, especially struggle. Well it can, if you choose not to do anything about the situation.

Lady~

November 2nd, 2011
2:08 pm

I emailed you DreamsM! accept my apologies to please sir! thanks! :)

Into the Light

November 2nd, 2011
2:10 pm

True, but it’s a young team. Plus, if you can beat MT, Vandy, and Kentucky you’ll be bowl-eligible. That always helps with recruiting.

SlimNu

November 2nd, 2011
2:10 pm

Leggs – Daaaang chica, that was a bit awkward for a 1st date. If I had car trouble I would probably try to get a rain check on the date. If I were broke and still wanted to invite someone out, I’d maybe treat for a Smoothie or something.

Lady~

November 2nd, 2011
2:11 pm

yep slim tea and coffee too….just keep it light……..

Into the Light

November 2nd, 2011
2:14 pm

So, not to open a can of worms, but am I the only woman in here who is not offended by dutch treat for the first meet and greet with a man?

Lady~

November 2nd, 2011
2:16 pm

nope I am down for it ITL…………don’t mind picking up the tab too……….

Leggs

November 2nd, 2011
2:16 pm

Glad I ordered what I wanted and not the most expensive thing on the menu (something I wouldn’t have done anyway, but I know some do)….

Randyt (aka...Been There, Done That, Have a Closet Full of T-Shirts)

November 2nd, 2011
2:17 pm

I think Vandy will beat us too. They are like UT…no depth. Both can stay in the game until the half, but come apart the second half. No Stamina, no endurance, and no depth.

Celisea

November 2nd, 2011
2:17 pm

Yes…ITL…you might be alone in this one. I wouldn’t say “offended” but it’s just not a good show to invite a woman and then tell her part of the bill. You can’t spring for a first meetup?

That’s just me though…don’t let me speak for all :)

Leggs

November 2nd, 2011
2:17 pm

I’m not offended if it’s known up front, ITL. When I man asks me out, I’m expecting him to pay. If I ask him out, I will pay. If it’s dutch it should be stated during the conversation and not at the table eating. That’s my take.

Lady~

November 2nd, 2011
2:19 pm

right leggs if its know up front….I can’t even lie i would look side eye like huh

Celisea

November 2nd, 2011
2:19 pm

I don’t mind treating…..EVERY NOW AND AGAIN…but if it’s a first meet, you’re trying to make an impression…no?

I’m just throwing a couple of thoughts…back to the meeting

Lady~

November 2nd, 2011
2:19 pm

I have never done it but I wonder how it feels to pay on the first date as a woman?!? hmmmmm smh

Lady~

November 2nd, 2011
2:20 pm

laughing @ C!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! LOL

Randyt (aka...Been There, Done That, Have a Closet Full of T-Shirts)

November 2nd, 2011
2:20 pm

@ ITL and Leggs…most of the ladies I have gone out with have offered, but no way would I accept it. Also, from a man’s point of view, if a lady insisted, I would bet she did not have a good time and wasn’t planning on a repeat performance.

Celisea

November 2nd, 2011
2:21 pm

And it’s freeeeezing in here. My leggs are cold. I almost brought my heater up here

Into the Light

November 2nd, 2011
2:22 pm

I’m not offended if it’s known up front
That’s an important distinction, Leggs. So, it wasn’t so much that it was Dutch, it’s that you didn’t know, right?

It doesn’t bother me in the least to go Dutch. As a matter of fact, I almost prefer it, especially on a first meet and greet. Just keeps things nice and easy and square.

@Randyt: Have faith, grasshopper….you hung in with Alabama for an entire half!

disco

November 2nd, 2011
2:22 pm

now y’all got me thinking of the gospel song “trouble don’t last always”. that one definitely deserve an amen.

SlimNu

November 2nd, 2011
2:24 pm

Um, I’m not going to say I would be offended to go dutch but I’ve never been in a situation where that was the case on a first date. As Leggs stated above, if it was discussed prior to the meet up then I wouldn’t see anything wrong with that. But to spring it up all willy nilly would be a little awkward. lol I usually order something I can afford just in case something pops off.

Leggs

November 2nd, 2011
2:27 pm

@Celisea ~ they asked everyone to turn in their heaters…like hell I was going to do that. I hid mine in our storage area. I take it out every now and then…today is one of those “thens.”

@ITL ~ yes, the fact that it was disclosed the way it was…that was tacky.

Lady~

November 2nd, 2011
2:28 pm

me too slim me too what you can afford or Ibe prepared to take the ticket…never had anyone to vanish on a ticket but I come prepared you just never know….smh lol

Into the Light

November 2nd, 2011
2:29 pm

Not to confuse things, but I don’t see meeting someone for coffee or drinks or even meeting at a restaurant after work to be a “date”, especially if it’s your first face-to-face meeting. That’s why I keep referring to it as a meet and greet.

kimmie

November 2nd, 2011
2:29 pm

Light – I’ve only been asked to go dutch once and that was my freshman year in college. I dogged(teasingly) dude out for it because he did like Leggs date did, HE did the invite and then brought up the dutch stuff at the table. But then, we were both 18!lol Anyway, I told him that was tacky and while I knew he was probably a broke college kid like me, he could have been a little more smooth about it. We just went out for a few slices of pizza near campus. Anyway, it ended up all cool. I have never had that issue since. And I have no problem at all treating royally once we’ve gone out a few times. But that initial date, naw bruh.

Ironically, I ran into him about 5 years out of college and he was on his way back to school to prepare to go to (guess) – medical school! He had majored in finance at UGA!

Randyt (aka...Been There, Done That, Have a Closet Full of T-Shirts)

November 2nd, 2011
2:30 pm

Regarding paying on the first date, a lady I went out with a few times was telling me how she went out with a guy she met on line. They met at a restaurant. He ordered water, she ordered a glass of wine or a drink. He said something to her about not ordering the most expensive thing on the menu or drinks. He then told her he had to go to the men’s room and as she was casually gazing out the window, she ralized he had gone outside…and kept on going. Left her with the tab. Told her later by phone or email that he had felt ill and had to leave.

Celisea

November 2nd, 2011
2:31 pm

Leggs – I know right. It’s freezing in this room. I should have know it would be freezing in here.

kimmie

November 2nd, 2011
2:31 pm

Light – My first meet & greet with my now husband he paid, no questions asked. We met for drinks at Ruby Tuesday.

I treated on about our 4th date.

Lady~

November 2nd, 2011
2:32 pm

I see your point ITL……….its all one in the same for me………the amount or place doesn’t determine it for me…..

Lady~

November 2nd, 2011
2:33 pm

Kimmie I am on my way to Ruby Tuesday in a few! #hungry………

kimmie

November 2nd, 2011
2:33 pm

Randyt – Why do folks like that even bother? SMH :shock:

Into the Light

November 2nd, 2011
2:34 pm

My little tootsies are toasty warm…I’ve got the heater blowing right on them. I couldn’t give up my heater – uh unh.

Kimmie: I saw AHS was on last night, but I was afraid to start in the middle of the season without seeing the first few episodes. Well, that and I was just plain afraid since it was after dark and I was home alone. :lol:

Leggs

November 2nd, 2011
2:34 pm

@Randyt ~ that’s a shiftless, tacky, space cadet that would do that leave a woman with the tab! Hope he was young and dumb. Hope it was by email because I wouldn’t have picked up the phone. Grown folk let other grown folk know when they’re sick and need to leave…punk!

kimmie

November 2nd, 2011
2:36 pm

Light – Don’t be scared! :shock: :lol:

Into the Light

November 2nd, 2011
2:37 pm

I’m not opposed to the guy picking up the tab (unless I really don’t like him and/or he strikes me as the kind of guy that keeps “score”, if you know what I mean), but I certainly don’t expect it.

Mmmm, Ruby Tuesday. I could go for some of their white chicken chili. YUM!

Randyt (aka...Been There, Done That, Have a Closet Full of T-Shirts)

November 2nd, 2011
2:37 pm

Beats me Kimmie. if I can’t afford, I don’t go out. Haven’t noticed a long line of ladies wanting to buy e dinner to try to take advantage of me…not the way the game is played.

Oh and the BMW and Benz I mentioned are used…I’m cheap in some ways so I can afford more in others.

Into the Light

November 2nd, 2011
2:38 pm

Kimmie – I am not too proud to admit that I am a fraidy cat in the first degree! :lol:

kimmie

November 2nd, 2011
2:39 pm

Leggs – I should have known better. It stays cold in this place. We can wear jeans the first week of every month. I wore my new black flares with some clogs & forgot my socks! Picked up a pair at lunch! I’m cozy now!

The man formerly know as Dan - still...Superior

November 2nd, 2011
2:39 pm

Here’s my thing,

Bring money.

In 2011, with the SBW cape flying all over airways, bring money on a date.

Wanna show your ‘independence’ reach for the check, just reach.

You ladies find out a lot about a man (apparently) by his willingess to pay the check, well like is drawn to like.

Randyt (aka...Been There, Done That, Have a Closet Full of T-Shirts)

November 2nd, 2011
2:40 pm

Ruby Tuesday’s pasta and shrimp thingy is really good too.

kimmie

November 2nd, 2011
2:41 pm

Light – So am I. The only reason why I watch anything scary is because I’m no longer living by myself & husband loves scary.

Before that, uhm, no! :shock:

Lady~

November 2nd, 2011
2:42 pm

On that note…….Have a good evening MIA!!!! Thanks for a great day of blogging~~~~~;)

Lady~

November 2nd, 2011
2:42 pm

kimmie

November 2nd, 2011
2:43 pm

Dan – Even though it’s never been an issue, mama told me to ALWAYS bring money.

Be prepared for anything!

Randyt (aka...Been There, Done That, Have a Closet Full of T-Shirts)

November 2nd, 2011
2:43 pm

Speaking of food…it has been way too long since I’ve been to Pappadeaux. I could really handle that crawfish and wine sauce fondue, and a plate of fried everything.

Leggs

November 2nd, 2011
2:44 pm

@Dan ~ in this day an age I bet everyone woman goes out with her own money! We have to walk expecting to bail ourselves out of a tight or awkward situation. All day, every day….

Leggs

November 2nd, 2011
2:47 pm

Wanna show your ‘independence’ reach for the check, just reach. – guess you must not have been reading because those that spoke said they don’t mind paying for the check, just not on the first date. You asked me out on this first date, you pay or we go dutch…not a problem. Always talking about the order of things with man vs. women. Well, that’s one of them on the first date…it’s just the way it is if he did the asking.

You ladies find out a lot about a man (apparently) by his willingess to pay the check, well like is drawn to like. – if you aren’t willing don’t do the asking…plain and simple. It’s nice for her to offer, but you did the asking. Never ask for that which you can’t pay for. Life Lesson 101.

SlimNu

November 2nd, 2011
2:49 pm

Lady – Bring back a salad from there….I love being able to fix my own salad the way I want to. Mmm mmm good

Randyt (aka...Been There, Done That, Have a Closet Full of T-Shirts)

November 2nd, 2011
2:51 pm

Like I’ve said before, paying (for guys) is the cost of doing business. that siad, by the third or fourth date, the lady should no longer expect Bonefish or Ruth’s Chris every weekend. Mix it up, eat high, eat low, grill, go out, picnic, pizza at home…

Randyt (aka...Been There, Done That, Have a Closet Full of T-Shirts)

November 2nd, 2011
2:53 pm

My Irish heritage is telling me that I may want to hoist a pint this evening…or two. And I’ll pick up the tab.

SlimNu

November 2nd, 2011
2:56 pm

Yall talking about being cold, I have been outside since 9 this morning. Talk about cold to the bone brrrrrrrr

SexyCool

November 2nd, 2011
2:58 pm

Also, there is a difference between going Dutch because of whatever principle a man has about paying on dates (or meet-n-greets as ITL calls them) and going Dutch because you can’t afford to pick up your date’s tab. If you can’t afford to pay on a date, you shouldn’t be dating.

The man formerly know as Dan - still...Superior

November 2nd, 2011
2:59 pm

@Leggs

I read, kinda.

I’m saying even on a first date – reach for the check.

First dates are impression making time, yeah; well what better way to show a guy that you can handle your own than by reaching for the check?

Leggs

November 2nd, 2011
3:00 pm

You got it, Randyt. By the 3rd or 4th outing, I’ll be paying sometimes….

SexyCool

November 2nd, 2011
3:00 pm

Or…you should date on your financial level.

Leggs

November 2nd, 2011
3:01 pm

Then I would have asked myself out on the date, Dan.

SexyCool

November 2nd, 2011
3:01 pm

Meaning – if you can’t afford Ruth’s Chris, take your ass to Ruby Tuesday’s. And if RT is out of your budget, go to Sonic.

Leggs

November 2nd, 2011
3:02 pm

Dang, from RT to Sonic….

SexyCool

November 2nd, 2011
3:03 pm

*Some* men will interpret a woman reaching for the check as a slight.

SlimNu

November 2nd, 2011
3:08 pm

Randy – The last couple of time I went to Pappadeaux, I was disappointed. Hope if you make it, that your experience will be better than mine.

Randyt (aka...Been There, Done That, Have a Closet Full of T-Shirts)

November 2nd, 2011
3:09 pm

I’ll reach for the check…the lady can reach for my…hand. LOL

Celisea

November 2nd, 2011
3:09 pm

I’m saying even on a first date – reach for the check. First dates are impression making time, yeah; well what better way to show a guy that you can handle your own than by reaching for the check?

Okay and AGAIN…not trying to be the contrarian but Dan you always seem like you have advice that places women on stage and in “performance” mode. I’m not reaching for the check on a first date/meet/greet….not even if I suggest (more than likely). Again, I’m not against showing my flexibility and two-sidedness but just like you can cast one impression it can also go the other way. You’ll have sorry dudes/jokers believing that’s what you do. IJS

Randyt (aka...Been There, Done That, Have a Closet Full of T-Shirts)

November 2nd, 2011
3:10 pm

Which one, slimnu?

Exiled!

November 2nd, 2011
3:10 pm

Ladies,u(some of y’all) also abuse the gentlemen is us

Expecting a meal ticket even when u have no intentions to explore with this man but just want dinner/lunch on the cheap…

So when he goes Dutch or ‘flees’ the ‘date’,just charge as write offs!

kimmie

November 2nd, 2011
3:10 pm

If me getting up going to work every day, driving my own car from my own home didn’t tell dude I was independant, me picking up the check won’t.

Exiled!

November 2nd, 2011
3:10 pm

Leggs

November 2nd, 2011
3:10 pm

Of course they will, SlimNu. Most men would be offended. May like the fact that she reached, but he sure isn’t expecting or wanting her to pay.

SlimNu

November 2nd, 2011
3:12 pm

Dang, from RT to Sonic OMG, that made me spit my sprite out.

SC – How about from RT to Applebee’s 2 for $20 before we drop down to Sonic? :lol:

Celisea

November 2nd, 2011
3:12 pm

And I know per se, it’s “performance”…to some degree. But calculating intentional stuff versus doing what you normally do (even if it’s not do-able to the other person on the day), seems like it would serve best. You know….be yourself. I know some efforts for making things a 2-way street would be the result of “intentional” but staging and doing stuff that’s frankly out of your normal realm seems faking it or acting under the guise of “representative.” I mean it get to some extent this is happening anyway but to trump things up by doing extreme things just to impress seems fake….back to the meeting

Exiled!

November 2nd, 2011
3:12 pm

I wouldn’t be offended but will just say, ‘I’ll take care of it’.

Leggs

November 2nd, 2011
3:13 pm

@Celisea ~ you’re right. That is a common thread for Dan.

So when he goes Dutch or ‘flees’ the ‘date’,just charge as write offs! – ummmm what do you think we’re charging it as????

Celisea

November 2nd, 2011
3:14 pm

seems like it WOULDN’T serve best…is what I was saying

Randyt (aka...Been There, Done That, Have a Closet Full of T-Shirts)

November 2nd, 2011
3:15 pm

Now what I have done is this. When the lady offers to pick up or go Dutch, I have been known to say, “I’ll get this, but maybe we can leave here and go to Cheesecake Factory and split a dessert there, and you can pick up the dessert tab”. Then I pay for the dessert anyway, because I am just testing the water. ;-)

SexyCool

November 2nd, 2011
3:16 pm

kimmie – you can say that again.

kimmie

November 2nd, 2011
3:17 pm

Exiled – There will always be trifling folks in the world trying to get over. We’re not talking about that.

Celisea

November 2nd, 2011
3:17 pm

All men aren’t impressed with a woman carrying yourself and him. Some men I believe and IMO are impressed with the THOUGHTFULNESS of wanting to treat or do something nice but encouraging folks to do stuff under something that they wouldn’t normally do is bad advice. I would say enhance the norm but don’t it to the extreme. You might cast the wrong impression…esp when it’s time for the walls to come down

Yep Leggs

Randyt (aka...Been There, Done That, Have a Closet Full of T-Shirts)

November 2nd, 2011
3:18 pm

Now one thing I do disagree with is a lady running up a giant bar tab the first time (unless, well, ahhh never mind).

Celisea

November 2nd, 2011
3:19 pm

Kimmie – Your 3:10…spot on. Heck be impressed with me and what I do everyday, not with me going in my purse. We in to win it, you’ll see and be treated. Just not going to happen day one

Exiled!

November 2nd, 2011
3:19 pm

I don’t think like a girl

I wldnt know

Exiled!

November 2nd, 2011
3:20 pm

3:18 see there u go

There are all shades of people out there

We know u know

U take risk it happens bad

KIM

disco

November 2nd, 2011
3:21 pm

Leggs – sorry to say that all women do not always make sure to have their own money (not me. if I don’t have money I know how to entertain myself at home for free). I know a few who venture to step out all in the hopes/anticipation that someone will treat them. and not just necessarily in a date situation. these chicks go out with friends and then remember that they don’t have money when they get where they are going since they expect that their friends will cover them.

Leggs

November 2nd, 2011
3:21 pm

Anyone running up a giant bar tab shouldn’t be able to walk out the bar.

SlimNu

November 2nd, 2011
3:22 pm

Randy – It was the one off 75N…

Ex – Granted, there are some chicks just looking for a sponsor to get out of the house. However, I am never seeking that for my mere enjoyment. If i’m going out with a dude, whether it be the first date or the 5th date, it’s because I’m trying to get to know him and hopefully am enjoying his company.

SexyCool

November 2nd, 2011
3:22 pm

And really, in the end, it plays out like it’s supposed to. If he expects her to reach for the check and she doesn’t, then he can decide that she is not the type of person that he wants to date based on her actions.

If he expects her to go dutch on a date and that is not how she thinks things should go, then she can make the decision to not see this individual again.

Either way, it’s just a way of determining compatibility. Because I can promise you, that there does exist a woman who will gladly pay, not only on the first date, but every date. And it is more the average than the exception that a man will expect to pick up the tab on a first date.

cba

November 2nd, 2011
3:26 pm

I can imagine there are many complexities dating in the 2000’s but paying the tab for the first date, even if she asked me out, is not one of them. Don’t sweat the simple stuff.

Exiled!

November 2nd, 2011
3:27 pm

Slim

I know u the good one,it ain’t personal

but I’m just saying coz everybody else,including non bloggers are reading

May the word touch on the affected by it

Amen!

Leggs

November 2nd, 2011
3:27 pm

I suppose, disco. I never rolled like that. Always had cab fare back in the day, a dime or rather a quarter for the phone (before cellular devices), and can feed myself if need be. Never at the mercy of a man or a gf on a date.

Exiled!

November 2nd, 2011
3:27 pm

The One affected by it

Randyt (aka...Been There, Done That, Have a Closet Full of T-Shirts)

November 2nd, 2011
3:28 pm

@ Leggs, back when I was counting my money more intensely than now, i would invite a lady to somewhere, i.e., Cheesecake Factory or Ray’s On the River. We would eat for maybe $40 or so, then the dayum bar tab would cause the ticket to triple or even more. And some of those were the ones that I would have been better off with a beer and a good book ;-) Oh well, it is part of the game.

Leggs

November 2nd, 2011
3:29 pm

@cba ~ thanks, because it really is that simpe.

Celisea

November 2nd, 2011
3:30 pm

The man formerly know as Dan - still...Superior

November 2nd, 2011
3:30 pm

It is a common theme for Dan: responsibility, and self – respect.

Not to say that a woman reaching for the check (shoot, even paying) is a good thing, but it shows responsibility.

Why would you leave the house without money to pay for your meal?

You don’t know this dude – is what you’ll say when he leans in for the kiss – then why not apply that same logic to preparing for the date?

It’s silly to think that in this day and age, for a much as chivalry is bemoaned as being dead, that a woman would leave the house without money to buy.her.own.food.

And, in the same vain, if you run across that cheap dude – like me – that ain’t paying for lobster and sckrimp, but you want it that night; be prepared to pay, or be prepared to be propositioned.

I don’t agree with it, shoot, I take it as a slight when my wife tries to grab a check, but in the same breath I’m proud of her for being willing and able to pay.

The logic is flawed that goes from: we’re each here to make a first impression, and one party doesn’t feel like they have to.

As important as your make-up, your hair, or your cell phone, is the money you take to pay your own way.

disco

November 2nd, 2011
3:31 pm

a friend of mine in Orlando says she just had a falling out with some girls (friends of a friend) re this very issue. them showing up without funds and expecting someone to spot them. she said she let them both know that she wasn’t the one. apparently they ran that game on her friend regularly but she says she nipped it in the bud. I know if chicks are out to game each other like that they are really out to run game on the men if they can.

kimmie

November 2nd, 2011
3:31 pm

SCool – One of my good friends absolutely refused to pay for any dates. She bragged about it. She is married. Her husband worships the ground she walks on. Now after they dated awhile, and I mean awhile, she cooked him dinner from time to time and she is a fabulous cook. She’s a bit high maintenence.

But her husband had no problem with it. He feels he got a real prize. They are compatible. That’s all that matters.

Leggs

November 2nd, 2011
3:32 pm

@Randyt ~ gotcha. I started to include depending on the location and the price of the drink. Many of you always bring up the Cheesecake Factory. I’ve been once, but I don’t remember anything spectacular about the food???

SexyCool

November 2nd, 2011
3:33 pm

Okay…and really, who carries cash only? I can’t imagine that there is anybody these days who walks out of their house without a debit card….even if they only have a $13 balance.

SlimNu

November 2nd, 2011
3:33 pm

SC – Sounds like you pretty much summed up today’s topic lololol

So now in other news, there’s been a surge of patrons on dates at all local Sonic Fast Food establishments. Stocks are rising at a rapid pace and economists are wildly researching the reason behind it. Now for you local weather…

Leggs

November 2nd, 2011
3:33 pm

@kimmie ~ that is absolutely crazy, but I know it happens, but for it to be frequently is so unatrractive.

Celisea

November 2nd, 2011
3:33 pm

There’s a difference in having money as a safety net versus reaching for the tab. Two totally different things that can’t be made as one in the same reason.

Not a single solitary responsible women will venture away from the house to any venue without privisions of “backup.” I’m not prepared though to pay for a first day…and that’s having money on hand.

I just think folks are different and you shouldn’t encourage folks to tap dance to snag a dude. A woman should be her best self to snag a dude.

SexyCool

November 2nd, 2011
3:36 pm

For a broke btch, there is no place like home.

SexyCool

November 2nd, 2011
3:37 pm

Well…we do have to keep in mind that we are debating with an individual who refers to himself in the third person. (lol)

kimmie

November 2nd, 2011
3:37 pm

disco – Like I told Exiled, there have always been con-artists out there and always will be.

cba – Agree totally.

Frankly, when I was dating, if I ever ran into a dude that made an issue with paying on a 1st date even for a drink or a cup of coffee, it’s obvious we would not get along. We’re getting off on a wrong foot already. I always went for men with a lot more class than that. And he obviously coming out the gate is putting me in a catagory of those same women Disco & Exiled speak about. He can kick rocks.

Leggs

November 2nd, 2011
3:38 pm

Excellent distinction Celisea. I for one didn’t mean to tie them together but I see I did just that.

SexyCool

November 2nd, 2011
3:39 pm

SlimGood – (lmao)

Leggs

November 2nd, 2011
3:39 pm

That 3:37 is the real deal….thanks kimmie!!!!

The man formerly know as Dan - still...Superior

November 2nd, 2011
3:39 pm

3rd person plural from time to time too.

Randyt (aka...Been There, Done That, Have a Closet Full of T-Shirts)

November 2nd, 2011
3:41 pm

@ Leggs Food is generally good, not great. I like to go somewhere else, Ippolitos or Carrabas maybe, and then invite the lady to take a drive with me (preferably with the top down) to the Cheesecake Factory for dessert, a glass of wine, and conversation. It tends to be a tad noisy for a first date itself. Rays, Killer Creek and Stony River (if you have deep pockets) are usually very good.

Leggs

November 2nd, 2011
3:49 pm

Thank you, Randyt!

Randyt (aka...Been There, Done That, Have a Closet Full of T-Shirts)

November 2nd, 2011
3:49 pm

All I ask for is that the lady be gracious, if I spring for the tab…not condescending or haughty, and hopefully attempts to enjoy herself, be interesting and interested, and have a good time. If the lady does that alone, the money isn’t wasted.

Leggs

November 2nd, 2011
3:52 pm

To be called a lady, graciousness is one of her ingredients!!!

Leggs

November 2nd, 2011
3:52 pm

rather characteristics…

Randyt (aka...Been There, Done That, Have a Closet Full of T-Shirts)

November 2nd, 2011
3:54 pm

Into the Light

November 2nd, 2011
3:55 pm

Okay, I’m back.

@Slim: your Sonic bit had me cracking up!! You know what, though? Although Sonic is not my favorite place, at least it’s as quiet or noisy as you want it to be, since you’re in your car. LOL

Randyt: Hush on the Pappadeaux!! You’ve got me craving shrimp brochette.

Randyt (aka...Been There, Done That, Have a Closet Full of T-Shirts)

November 2nd, 2011
3:56 pm

@ Leggs, i will say that the Chocolate Tuxedo Cheesecake at Cheesecake Factory is to die for…it is unbeatable…and big.

SexyCool

November 2nd, 2011
3:56 pm

I can’t NOT express gratitude when someone buys me a meal. I still thank TheDude when he takes me out…even if it’s to Burger King. And he still thanks me for cooking. I don’t expect that either of us will discontinue doing so either.

Randyt (aka...Been There, Done That, Have a Closet Full of T-Shirts)

November 2nd, 2011
4:01 pm

Although the Godiva Chocolate Cheesecake is so rich it causes your mouth to contort.

Into the Light

November 2nd, 2011
4:02 pm

Mmmmmm, speaking of cooking, there’s a pork roast in the crock pot just waiting on me to get home and slice it! Mmmm, mmmm, good!

Celisea

November 2nd, 2011
4:03 pm

And no matter his career, I’m always cognizant when I’m ordering. Not penny pinching, not cheap but I want to be considerate of someone’s dime. Always.

Leggs

November 2nd, 2011
4:03 pm

OM Goodness. It causes your mouth to contort…I’m already scared.

I’m not really a dessert person, but would try the cheesecake if I should ever go back.

Randyt (aka...Been There, Done That, Have a Closet Full of T-Shirts)

November 2nd, 2011
4:04 pm

Well, I’m off to rescue a damsel in distress…my daughter left her car keys in a friend’s car. So up I-75 I go. Night all. I’ll be thinking about you when I order that Pizza Hut, any large any topping for $10 and open a cold beer or three…and watch whatever i taped on the DVR last night. Life is good.

Leggs

November 2nd, 2011
4:04 pm

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO, not a pork roast in the crock pot…I’m already salivating.

abc

November 2nd, 2011
4:05 pm

I always paid the tab for everything while dating. I never had a woman offer to do so, but if they had, and/or even insisted, I wouldn’t have liked it much. Old fashioned, I guess.

Into the Light

November 2nd, 2011
4:05 pm

Mmm hmmm, Leggs. I put a rub on it last night, and put it in the crockpot with onions and garlic and some veggies. Can’t wait for dinner!

disco

November 2nd, 2011
4:07 pm

I just so happen to like sonic. I’m down for a lemon berry slush on a hot summer day. of course, hot summer days are a way off.

last week someone mentioned white cognac. I went looking for it but forgot the recommended brand. anyone have suggestions? I guess you are starting to age a bit when getting carded is like a compliment. guy at liquor store asked for ID but I thought it was just to check the name on my credit card. he made me take the ID all the way out of the case and then expressed how surprised he was at my age. he made my day.

SexyCool

November 2nd, 2011
4:10 pm

disco – I like Sonic, too. In fact, I do believe their peach tea is calling my name right now.

Leggs

November 2nd, 2011
4:10 pm

Vanilla Cognac – NaVan ($39.99).

Merkow has a less expensive brand, but its not as smooth as NaVan. More cognac than vanilla.

Celisea

November 2nd, 2011
4:10 pm

I’ve never had Sonic. I almost did though. Went to Florida and got there late. Was hungry…if my recollection is on point there was a Sonic located inside but was closing. I ain’t gonna lie, at 9:30 – 10:00 the food looked good. It was right at closing time and some folks ran in to get something. By the time I decided to run it they said…sorry we’re closed…lol

Celisea

November 2nd, 2011
4:11 pm

Inside of Walmart…I think that was Sonic

disco

November 2nd, 2011
4:12 pm

thanks leggs. this time I am writing it on a post it and putting it in my purse.

Leggs

November 2nd, 2011
4:13 pm

You can’t go into a Sonic….

Into the Light

November 2nd, 2011
4:13 pm

I <3 the ice at Sonic!!!

Leggs

November 2nd, 2011
4:14 pm

Well, not in GA….

disco

November 2nd, 2011
4:14 pm

I like sonic burgers, breakfast toaster sandwiches and every blue moon a chili dog. the slushes are my thing though. I always get the huge one and just slow sip my drink forever.

Leggs

November 2nd, 2011
4:19 pm

Nothing beats a sonic induced brain freeze…well the black cheery icee at QT is right up there.

Into the Light

November 2nd, 2011
4:28 pm

Helloooooooooo?????

Celisea

November 2nd, 2011
4:35 pm

Leggs – It was Florida. It was Sonic because I remember thinking Sonic?? For real?? I was hesitate because I’ve never eaten there. I also remember everybody chomping down with no problem…so I ran in to get something…lol

Leggs

November 2nd, 2011
4:38 pm

SlimNu

November 2nd, 2011
4:42 pm

Randy – I’ll just have you know that Carrabba’s is one of my favorite places. I always leave out of there stuffed and on a great food high. ;-)

Leggs – I usually don’t have room for dessert but I shole love that cherry PIE from Intermezzo’s Mmmmmm

Leggs

November 2nd, 2011
4:43 pm

Cherry pie doesn’t even sound appealing (LOLOL)…I know many who love cherry pie.

SlimNu

November 2nd, 2011
4:51 pm

disco – I hear the new Clear Remy is good. I have not tried it yet though ;-)

Leggs – It is soooo good though…it has a hint of lemon to it with crystallized sugar on top. It’s like an orgasm in your mouth.

Into the Light

November 2nd, 2011
4:51 pm

Slim: I like the herb blend they mix with the olive oil for bread. YUM!

Leggs

November 2nd, 2011
4:52 pm

Good night!

Never mistake MOTION for ACTION!

PEACE

SlimNu

November 2nd, 2011
4:58 pm

ITL: Mmmm oil, herbs and that FAMOUS CARRABBAS BREAD. Dayum yall making my spaghetti leftovers look meek :-(