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Dating: Good together on paper?

It is one of those things that happens to the best of us. You meet someone who appears to have a boatload of things in common with you. Similar background, upbringing, likes, dislikes, even your taste in music matches up! Then dating commences and the attraction wanes instead of grows. What happened?!

It’s when you are good on paper but not in real life. The things that we consider super important for compatibility does not always translate to hot and heavy relationships with great chemistry. You can never predict it but is it something we can create?

Do you ever meet people who you seem to match well with in theory, but not in practice?

Is the chemistry really important or can you begin a love affair with someone who is simply compatible to you? What happens when you realize you are only good on paper?

By Wise Diva, Misadventures in Atlanta Dating Blog

272 comments Add your comment

MzNewy

November 2nd, 2011
7:21 am

When you are only good together on paper it’s because you may be basing your ideal mate on the wrong things. That’s when you bounce….it’ll never work. Chemistry is very important. If you don’t have chemistry you will eventually tire of the relationship.

THE INFAMOUS DK

November 2nd, 2011
8:02 am

Yep the story of my past marriage.

SlimNu

November 2nd, 2011
8:20 am

Morning all,

DK, are you ok? I know it’s up to the reader to sort of place their own feeling of words on a screen but you seem a little I dunno lately.

Lady~

November 2nd, 2011
8:34 am

all the time I meet this person we are great on paper but it never goes any where which is fine…..can’t fake the funk to look good on the outside and miserable inside…….its just not my time for that relationship or marriage and its OK……..

Randyt (aka...Been There, Done That, Have a Closet Full of T-Shirts)

November 2nd, 2011
8:37 am

So many variables are involved that it is a wonder any relationship “takes hold”.

1) Are most of the “checks” on the checklist in place?
2) Are they real or contrived?
3) Do you like her when you meet?
4) Does she like you when you meet?
5) Is it a lack of chemistry or is one or the other shy or reserved in the early encounters?
6) Is the chemistry real in both directions or is one’s hopes overiding his/her powers of interpretation?

…and the list goes on. One of the biggest potential hazards is trying to overanalyze…best is to just relax, go with the flow, and if he/she goes out with you again, that is a good sign.

sfw

November 2nd, 2011
8:41 am

Gotta have some of the good on paper stuff first before I will even consider dating, chemistry comes a little later, I won’t date a girl if up front she has a ton of baggage, don’t care how much she said she has changed if the lasting effects are still there it don’t matter to me. Gotta have chemistry.

The man formerly know as Dan - still...Superior

November 2nd, 2011
8:43 am

@McNewsy

I would contend that the search for the ever elusive “chemistry” is the downfall of most relationships.

Passion, lust, sexual desire are components of ‘chemistry’, but as I take it – garnered by the conversations here and elsewhere – some people take ‘chemistry’ to mean an overwhelming feeling of completeness combined with a nervous exictement; awaiting some undefined, yet highly sought after moment of clarity that “this is the one”.

^^right there is crazy to me

LeeH1

November 2nd, 2011
8:44 am

What people put on paper are often things that are used as bait, but don’t signify in a long term or committed relationship. Walks along the beach at sunset are great for pulling in a chick’s interest, but what she really wants to know is do you have a steady job; are you a good provider; are you nuturing and supportive; do you have any debts, drug or drinking problems, or gambling habits; are you clean and neat.

Anything on paper is just the beginning. Remember, men or women need to pique your interest by saying the right things- but only after you meet them will you find out what they are really like. Best method of all is to be introduced by family or close friends. Dating strangers mean there are always hidden things, unknown things, and un-revealed things.

Ron Burgundy

November 2nd, 2011
8:45 am

Some girls are good with a paper bag…over their head.

Lady~

November 2nd, 2011
8:46 am

@randy love this —–>…and the list goes on. One of the biggest potential hazards is trying to overanalyze…best is to just relax, go with the flow, and if he/she goes out with you again, that is a good sign.

sfw

November 2nd, 2011
8:47 am

Dan :)
Randy :)
Lee :( I don’t pretend to know the interests of a woman now, too many of them are too different

MzNewy

November 2nd, 2011
8:53 am

@Dan…nah chemistry is not the snap crackle and pop of the relationship it’s the “fit without force” thing that holds it together (at least that is how I describe chemistry for me).

The man formerly know as Dan - still...Superior

November 2nd, 2011
8:55 am

O/T

Liking the new look at VSB.com

The man formerly know as Dan - still...Superior

November 2nd, 2011
8:58 am

@McNew

“Fit without force?”

Do you really think two people with different backgrounds, growing up in different households, with different customs, are going to fit without any friction? Do you think that’s possible?

Or could it be that one party has decided not to rock the boat, thus acquiescing to the desires of the other person with a ulterior motive?

CoolShadow

November 2nd, 2011
8:59 am

Paper is two-dimensional; people are three-dimensional. Dating allows you to explore that other dimension that paper can’t produce or emulate and you get to see how much depth (or lack thereof) there is in third dimension. People can brag and words on paper can manipulated to enhance one’s persona, but action confirms/disproves/verifies it all.

Button

November 2nd, 2011
9:04 am

Do you ever meet people who you seem to match well with in theory, but not in practice? Yep

Is the chemistry really important or can you begin a love affair with someone who is simply compatible to you? Being compatible is for friendships/acquaintances, you need chemistry for something more profound and loving.

What happens when you realize you are only good on paper? Absolutely nothing, or you try to make it work only for it to end.

Lady~

November 2nd, 2011
9:05 am

agree cool shadow…..

SlimNu

November 2nd, 2011
9:11 am

Folks can be ‘good on paper’ but fall flat with real life interaction…folks can have super duper chemistry but on paper look like a hurricane. Neither situation gurantees anything. No one will meet every box on your checklist and may not make the skies open up and the rays of sunshine gleam upon your brow everyday either.

Lady~

November 2nd, 2011
9:16 am

so Slim the next question maybe do you happily compromise and or settle?!? Just asking……..and if so when do you halt your tolerance?!?

Lady~

November 2nd, 2011
9:23 am

and IMO neither components have to be negative as settling has a negative connotation……

Randyt (aka...Been There, Done That, Have a Closet Full of T-Shirts)

November 2nd, 2011
9:25 am

kind of makes one think of a “long term relationship” as one with two dates…beyond that is a complete unknown, fraught with “DANGER Will Robinson!!!”.

Randyt (aka...Been There, Done That, Have a Closet Full of T-Shirts)

November 2nd, 2011
9:27 am

Actually dating is remarkably similar to “Lost In Space”. You never know what the next week will bring.

HST

November 2nd, 2011
9:32 am

I just simply add her to the friend list. If we had so much in common then we should be friends. Plus we all know that friendship sometimes blossoms into love.

I have found that usually opposites attract. Not like bi-polar opposites but individuals with different interests. Personally, I don’t want my SO to be into all the things I am. I enjoy having my own activities and hobbies. I also enjoy hearing and learning about my SO’s interests and hobbies as well.

It would bother me to no ends if my love interest (no matter what level of commitment) would not have her own agenda. For me as long as we see eye to eye morally (principles that every person of any faith can embrace) and socially then we’re set.

Celisea

November 2nd, 2011
9:36 am

Morning,

Ms. Newy I like that 8:53. Good post HST. Nothing more for me to add.

Lady~

November 2nd, 2011
9:41 am

I wish more men thought like that HST……….that is refreshing!

Leggs

November 2nd, 2011
9:45 am

Good morning.

Is the chemistry really important – Most Definitely – or can you begin a love affair with someone who is simply compatible to you? Interesting choice of words. Going on the words, yeah I think an “affair” an begin simply on compatibility.

Although “compatibility” has many layers, those layers must mesh with other criteria. I don’t think both have to be 100% compatible in all things. That’s why so often opposites do attract.

What happens when you realize you are only good on paper? You should go to your corner and re-evaulate what needs to be fine tuned. What I put on paper is to pique your curiosity in wanting to know more about me. Hopefully enough for contact off paper where we can get to know a little more about each other.

@MsNewzy ~ I like “it’s the fit without the force” Very true!

SlimNu

November 2nd, 2011
9:46 am

Lady – you have to do what’s best for you. Sit down and figure out if what the person you’re dating has going on, is something you can deal with w/o feeling jipped or compromising yourself and if he/she adds to your happiness. Somethings we program ourselves to deem as dealbreakers that really aren’t relevent in real life…some are very valid. Would a person scratch a prospect off the list if he stole a video game as a teen, went to jail but since is has been an upstanding citizen, all because you don’t want a guy that’s gotten in trouble? That would be irrelevant now if that was the only situation. A guy with 8 kids by 7 diff chicks and doesn’t take care of them would be a little more serious.

Lady~

November 2nd, 2011
9:50 am

good assessment slim……thanks chica~

Celisea

November 2nd, 2011
9:53 am

I meant to cosign Kym’s post the other day for a blog Chistmas shingdig.

That’s two votes

SexyCool

November 2nd, 2011
9:54 am

Do you ever meet people who you seem to match well with in theory, but not in practice? Yes. I have. I have met men that would have seemed to be ideal as romantic interests and I have met women who you would think we would become fast friends. Doesn’t always happen. Such is life.

Is the chemistry really important or can you begin a love affair with someone who is simply compatible to you? The thing about chemical reactions is that sometimes there is a spark for instant combustion. Then there are times when there is a slow reaction rate. And the end of the day, you still have a fire. (And *that* is exactly what happened with me and TheDude.)

What happens when you realize you are only good on paper? KIM – Keep it moving.

Exiled!

November 2nd, 2011
10:05 am

How about if the 8 kids are from the same baby mama Slim? :lol:

good morning!

@LeeH1!

…..’introduced by family or close friends. ….strangers means there are always hidden things,unknown things etc’

I like this!

@Ron….paper bag over their head!’

that’s tough….eehhhh but sadly true too! :lol:

@Dan!
..search for elusive ‘chemistry’ is downfall of most
kinda agree

A lot of single chics on this blog have that fantasy in their heads.

I’m just on an endorsement walk this morning…

disco

November 2nd, 2011
10:05 am

hey guys. I’m a fan of the “on-paper” check list since the things that I want on paper consist of some non-negotiables as well as preferences. I figure on-paper is a good place to start and if the rest falls into place, great. if it doesn’t, you move on to the next one.

kimmie

November 2nd, 2011
10:20 am

Morning All!

I’ve had that happen more than I care to remember – match up great on paper, only to fall flat in real life. I recognize that part of it was my wanting it to happen because I thought it SHOULD. You have to let stuff happen naturally. The basics you can put on paper, but other stuff that will make or break a relationship is non-tangible. For example, your personalities just may not mesh. Stuff like warmth,maturity level, compassion in the context of a relationship, that can’t be put on a resume. Sure, both of you might volunteer for Habitat for Humanity, but that doesn’t necessarily mean you are warm and fuzzy when you come home. So yeah, “fit without force”, someone that “gets” you – that for me is chemistry, and it’s not an elusive thing. Because you have chemistry with someone, it doesn’t automatically mean the relationship is going to work. Other factors still must come into play.Otherwise, as HST said, at the very least you have a new good friend, maybe a professional contact.

kimmie

November 2nd, 2011
10:23 am

I think you need both – the “paper” stuff and the chemistry. If you discount either, I think you are fooling yourself.

Fion

November 2nd, 2011
10:28 am

@ LeeH1 / Exiled

There are known knowns. These are things we know that we know.
There are known unknowns. That is to say, there are things that we know we don’t know.
But there are also unknown unknowns. There are things we don’t know we don’t know.

Lady~

November 2nd, 2011
10:34 am

you have to study relationships, and not just your own relationships, using your mind more than your heart…..got to change your energy………that is for me……

Exiled!

November 2nd, 2011
10:35 am

Fion

U are parlaying that skill of (unknowns-nuclear physics??) to mean:Assume 100% risk,it’s okay?

THE INFAMOUS DK

November 2nd, 2011
10:39 am

Slim – Dahlin Im perfect.. You know you get to a point where you begin to share things in order to help someone else.. I hope my divorce can help save someones marriage or relationship. Im on a new path to clarity and understanding and in order to get there one has to be totally honest with themselves.

THE INFAMOUS DK

November 2nd, 2011
10:41 am

Slim – And I spoke about this the other day.. And i didnt want to rehash it again about the looking good on paper thing.. Actually I havent been this happy in a long time.. Life is good..

THE INFAMOUS DK

November 2nd, 2011
10:43 am

Excellent Post Leggs – Compatibility has layers. That is a true statement.. Fer sure..

kimmie

November 2nd, 2011
10:44 am

DK -You sound wonderful. That positive spirit hopefully will be infectous to others!

Lady~

November 2nd, 2011
10:49 am

scenario: 34 year old male been teaching for 5 years and now wants to peruse his passion of going to medical school to be a gyn or dentist……has two kids and recently divorced……..I am not sure what I am pondering but I applaud his stance to peruse his goals but what about the daily livelihood… he did say God will make a way and I support that but I did ask more what about the plan of action to get there….

Fion

November 2nd, 2011
10:52 am

In the middle of football season it’s only fitting that I use a football analogy to comment on the topic.
There’s an old saying in football, the schedule only matters the day of the contest.
You see, you can never look ahead to a game and say this is a win, that one’s a loss because things change.
A game that you thought was a win is now loss because key guys on your team are out.
A game that you counted as a loss in now a win because key players on the opposing team are out.
There’s an ebb and flow to life that demands flexibility and courage on your part to navigate the game of life.

On paper doesn’t matter and truthfully doesn’t count for much. It’s reality that counts.

Lady~

November 2nd, 2011
10:52 am

& I was just updated you can’t do medical school part-time …….hmmmmmm this is a prospect I am chatting with…..just interesting

kimmie

November 2nd, 2011
10:54 am

Lady- As long as he has a sound plan, it can be done, because I have seen it. I’ve known of 2 instances where the people were older than he that have gone back to pursue med/dental school.

A realistic plan that includes a good support system is needed. And faith.

Leggs

November 2nd, 2011
10:56 am

Thanks DK! I like reading your posts and what you have to say. I see myself in most of what you write.

@kimmie ~ I’m with you 100%. We can match up great on paper, but when time comes to meet, someone is disappointed and its shown by not hearing from the person again.

Case in point, I met this guy that I’ve been talking to for about a month for lunch. We had great conversations through email and phone convo, not one text msg (that was refreshing). He said I was better looking than my picture. Nice compliment. I wanted to meet the person behind the phone and email and I wanted him to meet me. Greeted each othe with a warm hug at a restaurant and conversation still going strong. I assumed he invited me to lunch he would be paying. Never crossed my mind to ask. Check came and he immediately told me my share. Without missing a beat I said ok and pulled out my wallet. I deflated a littled. After we paid he said he would call me later that evening. I proceeded to get up but he remained sitting. I asked aren’t we leaving now. He said he had to wait for his ride to come back and get him. He doesn’t have a car. Nothing but sour taste in my mouth. Haven’t heard from him since and he hasn’t heard from me. #1 lesson = never assume anything or take anything for granted. Dating is nothing what I thought it would be thus far.

One day I’m going to come on this bad boy and NOT give a MIA story (LOLOL).

Exiled!

November 2nd, 2011
10:57 am

‘Recently divorced’
@Lady?

how recent?

DreamsMaterialize

November 2nd, 2011
11:00 am

Good Morning
Then dating commences and the attraction wanes instead of grows. What happened?!
I think this is usually the case when people aren’t honest with themselves about what they really want in a person. They have a list of things that they think they are SUPPOSED to want. Then they get those things and realize it’s not what they really wanted. Be honest with yourself about what you want and don’t worry about what others will think. They don’t have to live with the consequences of your choices.

THE INFAMOUS DK

November 2nd, 2011
11:00 am

Lady – You have to see it in his eyes. If this is something he really wants to do then you have to support him. Has he ever given you any inclination that he’s a sorry dude. Ahistory of not working or not handling his business. If he hasnt look at it this way. He’s thought about what he’s gonna do to take care of his bills. WAY more than you. And if you want this to work you have to support him. because he is in sacrifice mode. And you dont want to be a part of his sacrifice. where you are sacrificed with all the other things he doesnt need to obtain his goal. if his eye show his determination. You cant stop it. Either ride or get out the way. Sorry but i want you to get a clear picture of whats happening.

Exiled!

November 2nd, 2011
11:01 am

Just cracking up!

:lol: :lol:

Miss Adventures!

Nice story Leggs!!