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What are irreconcilable differences, anyway?

If you have not heard the shocking news, a reality tv show star is divorcing her athlete husband of a whopping 72 days. I know, it’s become downright strange to watch the circus that is surrounding this entire pop culture phenomenon. You are probably like me, tired of seeing the letter K, right?

I have read a lot of commentary about this entertainment news story, but I can’t figure out why people are trying to find meaning in it. I mean, the behavior of celebrities and public figures doesn’t always reflect on what we do and think in the real world does it?

In this case, though, I have to acknowledge that a lot of us are marrying for the wrong reasons and many are divorcing quite quickly. There even seemed to be a trend of having “starter marriages” to sort of try on marriage like it’s something we may or may not keep. When things don’t go like we want or expect, then everyone likes to site irreconcilable differences. A legal term that is about as vague as Herman Cain’s debate responses.

What are irreconcilable differences, anyway? It seems that going into a marriage with a distorted view of what marriage is supposed to be has convinced us that it’s not worth the work it takes to make it last.

Do you think that you know – definitively, what is irreconcilable to you? Would you be able to know when it is clearly over?

Why do you think our marriages have such weak foundations (not referring to the Hollywood ones) today that cause them to come undone?

By Wise Diva, Misadventure in Atlanta Dating Blog

246 comments Add your comment

SlimNu

November 1st, 2011
11:27 am

Leggs – I totally get what you’re saying. I just come across many divorcee’s that spit the claim that they have no desire to do it again. But how does that saying go, “If you want a good laugh, tell God what your plan is”…lol

SexyCool

November 1st, 2011
11:29 am

I don’t really *like* to run. And even less, in the cold. But…I like how I feel when I get done. Runner’s high is real. :)

Celisea

November 1st, 2011
11:31 am

Today is the first day of November….where did the year go?

Celisea

November 1st, 2011
11:31 am

My kid will be 17 in a couple of months…wow

kimmie

November 1st, 2011
11:33 am

Morning All!!

I’m tired of reading stuff about what is wrong with marriage today. And to use the Kardashians as a basis to start the topic – really??? The same old lines – folks want instant gratification, don’t want to work at a marriage, have unrealistic expectations, don’t communicate, blah, blah, blah. Heard it all a thousand times and Randyt has all the t-shirts!LOL!!

The only thing really different I see about marriage today versus the past is that divorce is not as frowned upon as it once was. And a lot of people, mainly women, stayed even though they were not happy. So yeah, you had all these folks married for 40, 50 years, but if you peeled back the layers, how many of those folks were in marriages you would like to emulate or would really have respect for?

Believe it or not, there ARE some folks today, young and old, that manage to get this marriage thing right. How about lets hear from them?

And just because I’ve only been married a few months, that does not mean I don’t have anything to offer this topic. I waited a heck of a long time to do this thing and I’ve picked up on a few things along the way in life. But I just don’t feel like talking about it all.

Exiled!

November 1st, 2011
11:35 am

So Gawoman was preggo?

Congrats!

Leggs

November 1st, 2011
11:39 am

@SexyC ~ I thought I remember you saying your like those morning runs in the cold, or rather in the temps we’re presently experiencing.

@Celisea ~ I’m finding 17 a bit more calming that 14-16!!!!

Celisea

November 1st, 2011
11:40 am

Did anybody catch RayJ on the Rickey Smiley show this morning? I wondered if that was staged? If that was really him…or some sort of prank. If not, he was trashing KimK.

Celisea

November 1st, 2011
11:43 am

Leggs – I’m finding 17 a bit more calming that 14-16!!!!

Imma agree…prematurely…lol It seems for all the “wanting to be turned aloose” she was experiencing, in getting a bit more rope added for getting out there, she seems happy. Meaning I don’t hear so much whining now (not RIGHT now) anyway. Now that she’s moving into being a young lady, I’ll say “yes” to SOME things…not EVERYTHING. She’ll ask but she seems content now that the answer isn’t “no” all the time. I tell you though, young folks think they know EVERYTHING and don’t know jack. But that’s not today’s topic…lol

Leggs

November 1st, 2011
11:43 am

I’m backing up…I now think the Cold Cut Artist is Kool @ The Gang!

Leggs

November 1st, 2011
11:45 am

@Celisea ~ at 17, we are more their bankers and chauffeurs…so many activities going on being a senior. Thank goodness the group she’s “running” with have been the same kids since 8th grade. No one has changed character and moved to the edgier side trying to grow up too fast. Nonetheless, I watch all of them like a hawk!!!

Lady~

November 1st, 2011
11:45 am

I am glad to see November! Wow 17 C!!!! my lil lady is holding 6 down……….parenting…….lol

Exiled!

November 1st, 2011
11:46 am

there ARE some folks today that manage to get it Right!

@Kimmie?

but still,u can never be too sure about that coz,like those other marriages you referenced that appeared solid,u are still looking in from the outside.

I don’t think there is ANY marriage that is IT,perefect,ideal or whatever adjective u wanna use.

The major problem with current marriages is the ‘work’ factor. This is what distinguishes old marriages to newer marriages.
Folks are not prepared to forgive and move on and heal. The moment something happens,they are ready to ship out in search of browner pastures.

Audra

November 1st, 2011
11:48 am

Randy, good post! I especially agree with 3 and 4. Also, as many have said, the lack of communication or desire to do so. In my marriage, my ex pretty much shut down. That’s pretty much the end. And I would add one more thing, and this is especially for the ladies: DO NOT marry someone hoping they will change/be different in ANY way. That is unfair to him and will make you miserable in the long run. People can change, but they have to do it of their own accord, not because of another’s expectations. Like Randy…been there, done that, have the t-shirt!

As for this Kim K thing, who cares? Does anybody know what the Kardashians are famous for anyway?? Kind of like Paris Hilton…

SlimNu

November 1st, 2011
11:50 am

Exiled – Yeah his Gawoman was preggo. Not sure if you knew they had recently gotten married. I can’t recall when though. He seems very happy and excited!!

Celisea – They took audio from Ray J’s beef with another rapper. I want to say it was Fabulous but I could be wrong. So he wasn’t really commenting on Kim K…they just played that since what RAy J was saying about that beef with the other dude made no sense in the context of the situation.

Celisea

November 1st, 2011
11:52 am

Leggs – at 17, we are more their bankers and chauffeurs

You ain’t never lied. Although, my kid is still working. The pay though during the school year is less than half of what she makes weekly during the summer months. That’s okay though. It’s enough change for her to do the things she wants to do. Until she can keep her room better, she’s banned from buying new clothes…lol I pretty much like the kids in her group. She grew up with them as well. They all go to church together and the same high school. Yes ma’am talking about watching them like a hawk. They are kids, they will be and do what kids do. I like them though because they stick together at school too. There’s about 16 of them in all. I think 12 of them attends the same high school and the others a different school but together as well.

Lady – Yes, ma’am 17…almost :) So you’re little lady is 6? That’s such a sweet age. Listening to their little conversations and watching their little personalities start to bloom. Sweet.

Lady

November 1st, 2011
11:56 am

C so you know how my typical day is….her conversation is beyond interesting and I truly look forward to her chatting with me……for the moment she shares everything and its so innocent…..lol tear! She just recently got picked to sing @ Phipps for the holiday….she has hidden talents that are amazing……….yep daughters rock!

Celisea

November 1st, 2011
11:57 am

Slim – Gotcha. When I turned to the station the call was already in play. They were laughing and giggling so…..

MMeello – I agree with your post

kimmie

November 1st, 2011
11:57 am

can never be too sure about that

Exiled – Then why bother talking about it at all? And as for folks ready to jump ship quicker now because they don’t want to forgive & move on – I have a different take on that:

I’m not all starry-eyed because I just got married, first of all. I was actually quite the cynic about marriage, which is part of the reason why I waited so long. When you talk about forgiving and healing, I don’t think that really took place with a lot of marriages of the past. Just because they didn’t get divorced and stayed, that does not mean they truly forgave and truly healed. That is what I witnessed and observed about a lot of older married people. They just stayed out of obligation or practical or religous reasons, but if you ask them if they truly forgave and healed from certain things that went down with their spouse, a lot of times that answer would be no. And that is what I didn’t want to be in – a loveless marriage full of resentment.

Lady

November 1st, 2011
11:58 am

I didn’t even realize it it but she left her reading boook @ school yesterday and she says “mommy I have something to tell you, I left my book but I will read the story in the morning when I get there” I did go in for a tad about being responsible but I love the fact she can come to me and tell me the good and bad…….love it! through parenting I hope it remains…..

Celisea

November 1st, 2011
12:04 pm

Lady – truly look forward to her chatting with me……for the moment she shares everything and its so innocent…..lol tear! She just recently got picked to sing @ Phipps for the holiday….she has hidden talents that are amazing……….yep daughters rock!

Yes ma’am, I use to (and still do) look forward but yes the innocence is a rarity nowadays :) That rocks about her singing at Phipps. That is fantab. Great for lasting memories. That is such a nice treat for her. She’s only 6 and singing? Go ahead lil mama :)

I remember being in the 4th grade and selected to sing at the GWCC. Back then there was only a couple of middle schools, mostly elementary and high. There were 3 kids selected from every elementary school to sang. We did a medley and it was televised. How about my current choir director was also picked back then.

Celisea

November 1st, 2011
12:06 pm

Openiness is the key. My kid don’t tell me everything (this I know) but most things she’ll open up and tell me…boy and all. If it’s something where she knows Imma want to knock her left, she’ll tell my sister or my mom.

Lady~

November 1st, 2011
12:06 pm

Folks are not prepared to forgive and move on and heal. The moment something happens,they are ready to ship out in search of browner pastures.

Brotha Word is Bond!

Exiled!

November 1st, 2011
12:06 pm

Or shld I say forgive,heal,sacrifice and move on!

For better,for worse don’t mean the same anymore!

Lady~

November 1st, 2011
12:08 pm

C only two was selected from her class they are joining the 3rd graders yes I am happy and savoring the moments……..I told lil lady we came a long way together and I promise she does damn good through it all……..I won’t complain!

Lady~

November 1st, 2011
12:08 pm

Or shld I say forgive,heal,sacrifice and move on!

love that too!

Lady~

November 1st, 2011
12:09 pm

Kudos to all of you that are married and making it happen daily!!!!!! hats off!

kimmie

November 1st, 2011
12:15 pm

Exiled – You are right, a lot are not willing to sacrifice as much in marriage today. And I am daring to look at the flip side of that coin and saying it is not always a bad thing.

A lot of people did make the sacrifice to stay for the kids sake. But I have seen a lot to divorce once the kids grew up & left. That tells you a lot right there, that all was not rosy up in that house.

Like Dan talked about what his uncle said – when the kids are gone, what are you all gonna talk about and do, when it’s just the 2 of you?

Celisea

November 1st, 2011
12:16 pm

Lady – I told lil lady we came a long way together and I promise she does damn good through it all……..I won’t complain!

Exactly Lady, exactly. That’s fantab. You never know where that voice will take her. There’s a different kind of happiness in the world of raising little one. Especially when you go it alone. Grant it they grow up to be beasts sometimes…I kid I kid. But savor those moments. It will go by very fast.

Lady

November 1st, 2011
12:20 pm

Celisea you are so right and thank you!

Celisea

November 1st, 2011
12:29 pm

Just freaking great…I left one initial off about 120 legal docs so now I have to redo….ALL OF THEM. Guess I shouldn’t be blogging.

SexyCool

November 1st, 2011
12:32 pm

For some reason…I read this story…and I think about Blue’s funeral in Old School – http://www.ajc.com/news/cobb/dog-dies-after-alerting-1214344.html

SexyCool

November 1st, 2011
12:42 pm

“You’re my boy, Blue!”

SlimNu

November 1st, 2011
12:55 pm

Speaking of Blue (my kitty), he has been transitioning at his new home very well, from what I hear. He’s affectionate, bites you out of the blue and begs for your food whenever you eat, just as he always has. lol

SlimNu

November 1st, 2011
1:01 pm

oops…meant: transitioning into his new home

SexyCool

November 1st, 2011
1:08 pm

I thought I was going to be really excited about Oprah’s LifeClass series. Turns out that I have not watched a single episode.

SexyCool

November 1st, 2011
1:17 pm

I wonder if Oprah realizes that now that she is not on air everyday that her influence has sharply declined.

MzNewy

November 1st, 2011
1:21 pm

When I decided to get married, I waited until I was sure I would hang in there for better or for worse. Short of him being on the DL, there are no irreconcilable differences. I think folks forget that relationships are work. I took my vows very seriously and am in it for the long haul. Some of the reasons you see people get divorced are just indicative of them not really knowing each other in the first place.

abc

November 1st, 2011
1:21 pm

Just because differences may be irreconcilable doesn’t make them somehow justifiable. What it shows is that the party involved is shallow and self-absorbed, probably beyond most people’s ability to comprehend such selfishness.

Leggs

November 1st, 2011
1:23 pm

Speaking about influence waning, I didn’t even know there was an Oprah LifeClass series! .

@MzNewy ~ have you noticed that a lot of these “irreconcilible” differences is nothing more than one party whining “Mommy, I don’t want to do that anymore!”

MzNewy

November 1st, 2011
1:28 pm

BTW, My husband is my friend. We have a 14 year history 12 of which we were friends. The key is that while he is my friend, we are not each others only friend. Just because we are married we don’t sufficate each other. We still have date night. Our conversations do not just center around kids and bills. We have common interests and do things jointly and seperately. We do not have an unrealistic “ideal” of marriage and know that we are not always going to agree but we love each other enough to “fight fair” – no name calling or yelling; agree to disagree at times – we don’t share a brain; and be supportive of each other in our endeavors.

MzNewy

November 1st, 2011
1:31 pm

@ Leggs – Hey Chica! *waving* You are absolutely right…and indicate a “I’m taking my toy and go home” type attitude.

Kym

November 1st, 2011
1:44 pm

@SexyC I wanted to see her so bad– when she came to Atlanta a few weeks ago–but that 125.00 was a bit much for me. . I just found out my fav QVC host was there doing a cooking special. :-( You know she does repeats on the weekend you could always DVR them. I signed up for the classes but like you have yet to make one yet.

SexyCool

November 1st, 2011
1:45 pm

TheDude and I agree that if divorce is an option, we may as well not even get married.

kimmie

November 1st, 2011
1:47 pm

SCool – I have watched a few of the Lifeclass shows. They are pretty good. I don’t tune in regularly, but then even though I like Oprah, I didn’t watch her talk show on the regular, just when the subject matter interested me.

SexyCool

November 1st, 2011
1:49 pm

I have them all DVR’d. I think I got three and a half minutes into the first one and went straight to sleep.

Leggs

November 1st, 2011
1:50 pm

are nothing…

kimmie

November 1st, 2011
1:50 pm

SCool – I watched one where she was talking about that show where she gave away the cars to everyone in the audience, and what it took to put it all together and keep the surprise. She also followed up with some other people that she had helped over the years. I must admit, it all gave me goosebumps just watching it. Some of those stories brought tears to my eyes.

SexyCool

November 1st, 2011
1:51 pm

MzNewy – that is actually some advice that TheDude and I were given that we take to heart and make sure that we repeat often.

The aunt of a friend of his told us to “Always be friends, no matter what.”

On the night of the official “Official,” that was the first thing he said. “[name] is my friend.”

SexyCool

November 1st, 2011
1:52 pm

Kym – can you believe I won an FF game this week?!? (lol)

My team SO su-hux!!!!