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What are irreconcilable differences, anyway?

If you have not heard the shocking news, a reality tv show star is divorcing her athlete husband of a whopping 72 days. I know, it’s become downright strange to watch the circus that is surrounding this entire pop culture phenomenon. You are probably like me, tired of seeing the letter K, right?

I have read a lot of commentary about this entertainment news story, but I can’t figure out why people are trying to find meaning in it. I mean, the behavior of celebrities and public figures doesn’t always reflect on what we do and think in the real world does it?

In this case, though, I have to acknowledge that a lot of us are marrying for the wrong reasons and many are divorcing quite quickly. There even seemed to be a trend of having “starter marriages” to sort of try on marriage like it’s something we may or may not keep. When things don’t go like we want or expect, then everyone likes to site irreconcilable differences. A legal term that is about as vague as Herman Cain’s debate responses.

What are irreconcilable differences, anyway? It seems that going into a marriage with a distorted view of what marriage is supposed to be has convinced us that it’s not worth the work it takes to make it last.

Do you think that you know – definitively, what is irreconcilable to you? Would you be able to know when it is clearly over?

Why do you think our marriages have such weak foundations (not referring to the Hollywood ones) today that cause them to come undone?

By Wise Diva, Misadventure in Atlanta Dating Blog

246 comments Add your comment

Randyt (aka...Been There, Done That, Have a Closet Full of T-Shirts)

November 1st, 2011
10:16 am

In all my way to dayum many more years than I thought i would be around, I’ve noticed only a few couples who I really thought had it right. i’ve seen some that stayed together, but that is different. The two most common themes that I saw in the ones who had it right were, as mentioned above:

Mutual Respect and Genuine Liking of Each Other. Even after years of being together.

The couple that I knew tha most totally got it right truly loved, liked, and depended on each other right up to her premature death of cancer in her early 50s. I guess the rest of us get a longer period to try and finally get it right.

The man formerly know as Dan - still...Superior

November 1st, 2011
10:16 am

@DK

Definitely.

Unc did for me what he did for my cousins: begin with “talk to your wife/husband first, but these are some things to think about when having a discussion, based on my years and my marriage…”

We all some equivocating someguns

Chris

November 1st, 2011
10:20 am

No one else is responsible for YOUR happiness. “Happy” is fleeting. Happiness depends on what is happening. You should get joy out of serving your wife or husband and seeing them happy if you live them. Marriage and love is not about YOU but the other person. Most marriages fall apart for selfishness and otters projecting how they think the other person should be and communicate like they do.

Josh

November 1st, 2011
10:21 am

I believe people can change and that can make someone go from a great spouse to a lousy one or it can make someone go from a lousy spouse to a great one. But I think a huge proportion of divorces are over issues that didn’t enter the respective marriages somewhere along the way but rather were there all along. The truth that, much to my great bewilderment, I rarely hear anyone mention is that there is a sizeable percentage of people who are not nearly emotionally healthy enough to be in good marriages. Is it our “build everyone up” society that doesn’t want to admit that there are numerous people who shouldn’t be getting married until they first get themselves straightened out? If we would start by recognizing that an individual needs to be content in himself/herself before there is even a chance he/she can bring the right approach to a marriage, we might have a shot at turning the tide on our epidemic of divorce. But right now there are far too many people looking for someone else to make them happy (surprise: it doesn’t work that way!) and as long as that continues, so will disillusionment with marriage and, accordingly, divorce.

SlimNu

November 1st, 2011
10:23 am

Correction on my 9:54 – Should read that Slim Jim is NOT with child.

HST

November 1st, 2011
10:23 am

As far as a starter marriage goes, statistically it has a better chance than a second marriage. It’s 50% for the first and 60% for the second marriage to end in divorce. Not great odds and I think those statistics certainly play on the value of marriage.

Irreconcilable Differences – I’m over it and can walk away if I choose.

Marriages have weak foundations because it doesn’t have the same value it once did. No fault states, compensation to start your new life, easy access to singles, on-line social media and society’s new way to live as they choose has all led to the degradation of the institute of marriage. I don’t see how marriage, religion and an idealistic way of life have room in today’s society. I’m not really sure that today’s society has the value system for marriage to continue as it once was.

Kym

November 1st, 2011
10:24 am

You know what this topic reminded me of..READ THE FINE PRINT..whenver people go well I didn’t know it was going to be this hard..I didn’t know he or she was like that..yeah you did. We put on our love shades and any foolishness we just bypass. READ THE FINE PRINT..look deeper..

Leggs

November 1st, 2011
10:26 am

@Josh, you make an excellent point. Too many are looking for someone to make them happy.

No can make me happy unless I’m happy with myself. I don’t need anyone to compliment, I’m already complete. We all should seek a mate where each other’s lives will be enriched through mutual respect, honesty, friendship, and genuinely wanting to be with that person. All things will fall in place if work is put in by both parties.

oneofeach4me

November 1st, 2011
10:30 am

@DK ~ I agree with keeping your marriage problems quiet or discussing them with a counselor unless you have a very special person in your life that doesn’t take sides, but that believes what’s right is right and what’s wrong is wrong. See, I can forgive my hubby much faster than say, my sister, because she is partial to me. Then, before you know it, you have people in your ear telling you what you shouldn’t put up with and what you should do. If it gets to that point, you will kick yourself in the arse for allowing someone else to make your decisions for you or pressure you instead of you making your own choice.

Randyt (aka...Been There, Done That, Have a Closet Full of T-Shirts)

November 1st, 2011
10:31 am

@ Dan,,,re: Uncles.

My Uncle Billy was my father figure after my own father died when I was 7. He was one of the ’street wisest’ and most pragmatic people I have ever known, and decades later I still think about a few of his “isms” almost daily.

Re: Marriage …”you are tieing a knot with your tongue, that both hands and both feet will have a hard time untying” (he was right, t-shirt).

Re: Sympathy…”you can always find sympathy. It is in Webster’s Collegiate Dictionary between ’sh!t and syphil!s. (got that t-shirt many times)

Re: Complaining…”it doesn’t do you any good to complain, because statistically 85% of the people you complain to DON’T CARE, and the other 15% are actually GLAD that you are miserable. (Got a few of those too).

Re: Plumbing (and I later figured out he was not talking about plumbing totally but life)…”hot is on the left, cold is on the right, and sh!t runs downhill).

I’ve carried those truisms in my head for decades and when I remember them, all becomes clearer!!!

sfw

November 1st, 2011
10:39 am

Marriage is the number one cause for divorce lol

Leggs

November 1st, 2011
10:41 am

Without the means to divorce, there be no divorce rate lol

sfw

November 1st, 2011
10:42 am

Exactly Leggs

Randyt (aka...Been There, Done That, Have a Closet Full of T-Shirts)

November 1st, 2011
10:42 am

@ sfw…you may be on to something. It does seem that almost all of the couples I knew that divorced had gotten married. Seems like a common theme.

SlimNu

November 1st, 2011
10:42 am

Not to get all wrapped up in reality show weddings/marriages, but I wonder what will come of the Gene Simmons and Shannon Tweed recent nuptials after being unmarried for 28years. He swore all this time by his stance of not falling into the Institution of Marriage. His kids, even though are happy that he finally chose to go through the ceremony, still appear skeptical on whether or not he (Gene) is going to take it seriously. I’m thinking at his age, how many bimbo’s, groupies etc can you sleep with before that gets old and wears on your body.

Pam Pam

November 1st, 2011
10:46 am

Many people select their husbands/Wives on superficial bases, failing to recognize that the foundation of marriage is a bond that transcends superficial. If a person selects a mate based upon superficial principles no amount of communication can save this type of marriage, because it wasn’t a real marriage in the first place. In our society we based an marriage legitimacy on a piece of paper when the foundation and the legitimacy of a real marriage begins long before the I do’s.

Exiled!

November 1st, 2011
10:48 am

What if the marriage counselor does not share the same perceptive with you two on some issues?

It’s also a hit and miss….one party is bound to stick by the counselor coz it’s in their favor the other,not so much.

It comes down to personal preferences,I guess.

Exiled!

November 1st, 2011
10:48 am

Good chilly morning.

SexyCool

November 1st, 2011
10:50 am

There is not anywhere in existence that the KnK trainwreck should even be included in the same sentence as a real marriage.

Lady~

November 1st, 2011
10:51 am

Exiled! great point…….i have a chapter to write on that subject……..

family counseling and relationship/marriage counseling are my least favorite in my graduate program…….family counseling is very difficult and to add marriage issues whew lawd #scary for me

Lady~

November 1st, 2011
10:52 am

Exiled! we just discussed the ethical ends of being bias in these cases and me having my strong opinions on certain issues I will be ineffective….naw not ready to counsel that group….

love my severe pathology disorders though smh

Kym

November 1st, 2011
10:53 am

@Leggs..don’t go posting stuff like that..it gives the conservatives ideas..

Celisea

November 1st, 2011
10:53 am

Late morning lovelies,

Kim K? ReallY? When reality tv becomes a gauge for comparison of anything, we’re in trouble as a country. That crew..i.e. family are nothing but opportunists. I fault “E” and all the other gossip shows for broadcasting that sham of a wedding. Not only did we have to endure that fiasco, now we have to live through every channel airing their divorce. Garbage.

I don’t have anything to add to the topic except we’re living in a microwave society. Truly.

Lady~

November 1st, 2011
10:56 am

when one person goes to counseling with their minds made up and the other is fighting for the marriage…..I think those who truly want to find a way to stay together will and those who want out will find their way out too………sigh…..OK I need something upbeat…….

Leggs

November 1st, 2011
10:56 am

“He swore all this time by his stance of not falling into the Institution of Marriage. His kids, even though are happy that he finally chose to go through the ceremony…”

@SlimNu ~ I feel, in this case, it’s all about the mindset that people truly believe you have to be married to make things official. Bet you $100 the marriage will fall apart simply because that “marriage certificate” complete befuddles people. Not sure what the voo doo is behind that piece of paper, but some don’t understand its significance. After 28 years of living together and everything seemed to be going smoothly, why get married. Hell, they’re both old as dirt, well he is.

SlimNu

November 1st, 2011
10:56 am

we’re living in a microwave society

Well how would we incite a desire to go back to our slow cooker/oven type society?

Exiled!

November 1st, 2011
10:59 am

My preferred method of marriage counseling (for really serious issues)is to have somebody u both trust in her family and his to intercede,separately or jointly.
That way,you are incorporating the views of people that u trust and respect and that share the same family traditions/mores on such issues in your family.

Counseling is not for that auntie/uncle with the gift of chatter.

Definitely Not!

SlimNu

November 1st, 2011
10:59 am

After 28 years of living together and everything seemed to be going smoothly, why get married

Leggs – Well, everything wasn’t going smoothly. They went through numerous counseling sessions and even the son stated he feels that none of this would’ve taken place had his dad not gotten caught. I think Shannon got tired of his lifestyle and left. Once Gene saw how ‘important’ he felt it was to have her around, only then, did he begin to turn his thinking around. But again, it all remains to be seen yet. Too soon to really tell. He’s a ‘rockstar’ and lives a rockstar life. Not sure if that ever goes away.

Kym

November 1st, 2011
11:01 am

@Slim I am not for going backwards..sorry but that back to the simple way of life might work for somethings..but if it means I have to go all the way back and hear about a woman’s place is in the home..yeah..I am going to be… #OWDC and #OWS Viva la Revolution..baby.

The man formerly know as Dan - still...Superior

November 1st, 2011
11:02 am

@Randy

I’ve been fortunate enough to have people in my life that want to offer advice, based on their mistakes in life.

And, quite frankly, I’ve been smart enough to listen.

Kym

November 1st, 2011
11:02 am

Wasnt Shannon Tweed a porn star? See Hollyweird has their own set of rules..

Sharica

November 1st, 2011
11:03 am

There problem is people are not getting to know the people who they with. Friendship is key to any marriage because it allows you to like the person who you are with. A friend is somebody who shares in your up and downs, somebody who you talk to about anything, and someone who is going to love you for you. All I am saying is, just get to know the person who you are with before you go jumping in the bed with them. It will make your marriage that much stronger and last just that longer.

Celisea

November 1st, 2011
11:04 am

Well how would we incite a desire to go back to our slow cooker/oven type society?

Principles, morals, selflessness, compromise, so forth and so

Leggs

November 1st, 2011
11:06 am

@SlimNu ~ when I said everything was going smoothly in 28 yrs. didn’t mean literally. Of course there were ups and downs, some big, some gigantic and some small. Apparently, all tolerable because they’re still together after 28 years. Why spoil it by getting married. Legally to ensure dividends are properly hashed out is the only reason I can see. But, that’s me.

SexyCool

November 1st, 2011
11:07 am

Got my regular route done this morning. Looks like I’ll be running again this afternoon. (lol)

Celisea

November 1st, 2011
11:11 am

It’s not about yesteryear or “going back” per se, morals and ethics and principles should be a means for living and the basis for living. Not about telling folks what to do. I don’t believe in that either but I do believe there’s only one lead role and two folks can’t occupy at the same time.

Leggs

November 1st, 2011
11:12 am

It sure helps you like to run in the cold and that it’s a movitator and not a distractor for you.

SlimNu

November 1st, 2011
11:14 am

Leggs – I think it was something that Shannon always wanted…for him to make and ‘honest’ woman out of her. For some, I suppose marriage is imbedded in them to make them feel they are finally ‘living right’. I cannot recall, but would you get married again? Or are you pretty much on the Been There Done That ship?

Tweed a pornstar? I’m not certain but I do know she used to pose for Playboy. Is that one in the same these days?

Randyt (aka...Been There, Done That, Have a Closet Full of T-Shirts)

November 1st, 2011
11:16 am

Shannon Tweed was in Playboy many years ago (maybe even Playmate of the Year), several times, and I want to think dated Hef for awhile. She did several of B-rated films that coincidenatlly usually involved getting naked.

SlimNu

November 1st, 2011
11:18 am

Kym – I don’t think we necessarily need to go back that far.. lol

Leggs

November 1st, 2011
11:19 am

Cold Cut Artist I think is Boys II Men (404) 741-1075. $25 gift card to Panera Bread, tix to see Tony Toni Tone.

SlimNu

November 1st, 2011
11:19 am

FYI For any of you who knew GaMan, he had his son yesterday. 6lbs 15oz

atllaw191

November 1st, 2011
11:21 am

Irreconcilable differences? The entire Kardashian clan (who has gained traction due to NOTHING), has no money, therefore, needed to “sell the wedding” for $10 Million (of which they paid NOTHING), then gained another megasale from the “production” to the network. It was all for the money and show people! When the network sues to recoup (if not a clause in there prohibiting same, which I’m sure there is)…then, and only then will we see the TRUTH!

Leggs

November 1st, 2011
11:22 am

@SlimNu ~ many say I will get married again. I’ve learned never say never, but I doubt it. Although I realize I didn’t marry “my husband,” not sure if I have the fortitude to do it again. I can spit all this simply because I haven’t found the one I want to be with. All my words can fly out the window with the right person on the same path I’m on. You never really know what you will do when you’re standing alone talking out the side of your neck (lol).

Kym

November 1st, 2011
11:23 am

..but in a way imposing morals on others is telling them what to do.
Society knows the basics..Don’t steal, Dont kill, etc..that crosses all racial, ethinic lines..but society has a tendency to try to legislate morality..and it rarely works out to be utopia.

Leggs

November 1st, 2011
11:23 am

Awww, that’s beautiful, SlimNu…thanl you for the update. Please tell him I said Congratulations!!!!

LG

November 1st, 2011
11:23 am

IMO, Kris Humphries wanted a wife and a marriage–with commitment, iinput, sharing, joint decisions, life building–together.

Kim wanted someone to just fit in to HER life as a Kardashian.

The concept of marital unity, commitment, making joint decisions is not something she’s likely ever to do. Shame on her, but he should have known better.

Celisea

November 1st, 2011
11:25 am

but in a way imposing morals on others is telling them what to do.

Let her rip then….lol

Kym

November 1st, 2011
11:25 am

@RandyT ohh so soft porn..ok.

@Slim..yeah I don’t think I would make it if we did go back..matter of fact..I am pretty sure I might have been a Amazon Warrior Woman in a past-life or something.

Leggs

November 1st, 2011
11:26 am

@LG ~ I see that too.