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Can you date a friend’s ex?

There is an ongoing debate among friends about who is off limits to date and who isn’t. Can you date someone who was involved with your friend? Is it a bad idea or does it make sense?

I believe that it should depend on how comfortable everyone is with the idea. If there was a long relationship that ended badly, obviously there is potential for drama and awkwardness. If it was a casual dating situation, then maybe it won’t be an issue.

Do you think that once someone has dated a friend of yours, you should steer clear?

Have you ever dated a friend’s ex or have you dated a friend of your ex?
Did it become a problem?

Do you think it is good practice to get their permission/blessing?

By Wise Diva, Misadventures in Atlanta Dating Blog

133 comments Add your comment

gapeach

October 25th, 2011
8:06 am

I don’t know why anyone would want to date their friend’s ex. Things obviously didn’t work out for your friend and probably won’t be any better for you either. I know that’s not the case all the time, but there is a good chance that it won’t work out. I understand there are some cases where the friend didn’t mesh well with the person they were dating and you and the ex might, but how good are those chances? Are they worth the risk of losing a friend or going dating someone that isn’t that great? I guess it all comes down to your friend and what they have to say about their ex and why it didn’t work out. I just think it’s a little to risky.

Sweet Pea

October 25th, 2011
8:18 am

Good Morning!

I have never dated a friend’s ex nor desired to do so. I am a friend until the end so to avoid a rift I feel would eventually happen, I stay clear. I can’t imagine being booed up with a “has been” of yours even if you gave me permission/blessing! Yep, the line is drawn in the sand for me….I don’t cross the friend’s line to get with a ex!

I personally know a couple of people(men) who went after the exs of their friends after getting clearance. I thought men were territorial and to do this was distasteful, however to each his own.

GracieL

October 25th, 2011
8:22 am

Not without prior permission! A friend does not take a player from another friend’s roster without getting the okay, no matter how long ago it was or how short the contract. It’s disrespectful to the friend to proceed without the nod.

Button

October 25th, 2011
8:26 am

Good morning, I think it’s a bad idea and it doesn’t make sense to date a friend’s ex. There would be so many questions popping up in my head as to how long they’ve had these feelings, and have they already been secretly seeing each other behind my back if my friend were to date my ex. There are somethings that are just off limits. BUT if it were to happen I would have to be the adult and give them my blessings, I can’t stop or control who someone wants to be with.

disco

October 25th, 2011
8:57 am

Good morning. First things first – the radio should not be able to play little wayne so early. I’m walking around the office thinking “make it rain, make it make it rain”.

on topic – once upon a time I would have quickly announced that exes are off limits. now it’s not as cut and dried. for one, being older and more selective dating options are a lot more limited than they were once upon a time. back in the day you didn’t date exes because you didn’t want to hurt a friend’s feelings. now, 20+ years later the game has changed and folks should be more in control of their feelings. most are seeking more serious relationships and if a potential suitor just happens to be the ex of a friend it seems like the parties involved should be able to handle it. after all, ex by definition means somebody didn’t want somebody. when everything is said and done you have to do what works for you. you might lose a “friend but gain the person that you’ll spend the rest of your life with.

mark

October 25th, 2011
9:11 am

no thats never a good move! Trust me on that:(

MsMarriedUp

October 25th, 2011
9:15 am

Good morning everyone.

No I couldn’t and wouldn’t. At least not date, date. I mean what is this…’excuse me, can you please pass the mashed potatoes?’

JustMe, Slim

October 25th, 2011
9:34 am

Good morning all, I’m baaaaaaaack from TN and back at work :-(
I drank so much over the last 4 days I think i need a break from Henny and Goose.

As far as on topic, I don’t think it should be good practice to date your friends’ exes…thin line there. But stranger things have happened.

oneofeach4me

October 25th, 2011
9:47 am

There is a silent code of respect between friends that should be understood. There are some things that are off limits. An Ex is one of those things. Plus.. just remember.. once you begin sleeping with that person’s Ex, you have also slept with your friend. IJS.

kimmie

October 25th, 2011
9:56 am

Morning All!

It’s generally not a good idea to date a friend’s ex. But it can depend on how long ago they dated, how long did they date, if they are still in touch, many factors to consider. The maturity level of all involved.

There was a guy I grew up with that got introduced to his wife by his ex. Things did not work out with him & the ex, but the ex still thought highly of him and thought he & her friend would hit it off. They did and the rest is history. And you are talking about folks that were in their mid to late 20’s at the time.

So it can work, but generally it does not.

Celisea

October 25th, 2011
9:59 am

Morning Lovelies,

Personally for me, I wouldn’t and I would hope to receive the same from a friend.

I dunno though. I’m thinking like Kimmie. How long ago, what are the circumstances, etc.? If I parted ways with someone and say ten years later, the departed SO and friend happen to “find one another” honestly though what code is broken? Would that be so wrong? Outside of a “friend” stepping in and infringing on a marriage there aren’t any hold backs.

disco

October 25th, 2011
10:00 am

one of each – not trying to be contrary but if we are to operate on the theory that by sleeping with a person you’ve in theory slept with everyone they’d slept with then we’ve also got to figure in the six degrees of separation theory and, well, you see how far things can go operating on that assumption. I remember back in high school a girl that I knew died from aids. a group of us literally sat in class constructing a flow chart. aids victim dated blank. she had a baby by blank. this person is currently seeing blank and so on and so forth. in our minds and on paper we had created an entire list of HIV positive folks all on supposition. my point being – a relationship is between two people. others play a factor but the core relationship is based on the two parties involved.

disclaimer: I know it sounds like I’m the skank who’ll date behind my friends. not what I’m saying. I think the point I’m trying to make is that people aren’t property. we don’t own one another when we are together and we surely don’t own one another once we break up. once you break up you don’t have rights to the ex and can’t claim him as “my ex”. it’s done. it’s over. that’s that.

Raqi

October 25th, 2011
10:00 am

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

disco

October 25th, 2011
10:05 am

last year I hooked a girlfriend up with an ex. he and I are still cool but we are more opposites and I’ve decided that I’m more of a “like attracts like” person than I am an “opposites attract” person. they dated solidly for awhile and are still kind of seeing each other. thing is, he works his main job and recently started a business so he’s busy and my (female) friend feels somewhat neglected because he doesn’t have lots of free time. still, I wish them the best and if it works out, great. if not, I wouldn’t have a problem introducing him to another friend. he’s a great guy. he’s just not for me.

Celisea

October 25th, 2011
10:07 am

I think as long as there’s some sort of “flicker” then yeah I can see someone being a bit jaded. But for me (and no I’m not the rule of thumb), after so long a time and time has removed any “feelings”, I don’t think I would be too bothered. Again that’s taking into account maturity, outgrowing, feelings abated, etc.

kimmie

October 25th, 2011
10:07 am

Hey Raqi, what’s up?

disco – See, mature individuals involved with you and your friend, just like the guy I spoke of.

oneofeach4me

October 25th, 2011
10:16 am

Disco ~ I don’t think I said that anyone was property. At all. What I am saying is that me, personally, I would NOT do it for a number of reasons. I wasn’t going into the six degrees of separation, I was using the “I am sleeping with my friend too) in the manner of knowing this guy was with my home girl before me and I think relationships are hard enough. Let’s not bring more drama into than has to be. I prefer to meet a man on my own.

The only way I could see the potential there is if you met this person out, not realizing they had dated your friend at one point and found out only after a relationship ensued. It’s just my personal opinion, which everyone is entitled to, and I would not do it.

Sassy Me..Sun Kissed ;-)

October 25th, 2011
10:21 am

Can you date someone who was involved with your friend?

NO. The thought alone disturbs me. As stated earlier, there exists a silent code about dating exes of friends and I’d never cross that line. I respect myself and the few women I do consider friends too much to do something like that…regardless of how long ago the break-up happened.I mean how would that friend feel?…I’m sure at some point it would alter the friendship and not in a good way…so in the end is it really worth it?

Celisea

October 25th, 2011
10:24 am

Reading disco’s 10:05, it made me think back on this dude that I soooo had a hankering for. All of high school and a couple of years after. We hung out a bit but I never took him seriously because he always seemed to have a gang of chicks hanging on him. So, I liked him and his cuteness but not ever enough to trust him. Fast forward about 10 years (as ya’ll know we kept in touch), me and kid’s dad was hanging out one Sunday along with a third whell friend of mine. I wasn’t feeling the third wheel that day and she didn’t want to be by herself soooo, I called him and he was cool going along as her date, if you will. After all that time had passed and really getting some insight to just how wh@ish he really was (we hung out sometimes), I didn’t feel a thing for him or else I wouldn’t have invited him. In all fairness to myself, before calling him, I warned her of how he was, that he was just filling in so she wouldn’t be alone or a third wheel and TO NOT BE BLOWN AWAY BY HOW FINE HE WAS….seriously. Needless to say she didn’t heed my warning. When he got out of his car talk aobut smitten. They “hooked” up that evening. The entire night I was in her ear. After he freel felt her up and she let him, I was like “don’t do it.” She called him months and months after that but he never returned her calls. Me and him? Still cool as ever :)

Celisea

October 25th, 2011
10:25 am

When I say “we hung out a bit”…translation dated When I say we still hung out translation as friends..nothing more or less

Exiled!

October 25th, 2011
10:26 am

Good morning.

No,for the most part.

Especially if we were introduced prior to their break up and knew each other. I don’t care how long ago that was.

The only time I would do it or excuse a friend is if they never knew her,I never mentioned that to them or vice versa and it all happened by accident or coincidence.

Because knowingly dating my ex means u craved her All Along.

What type of a ‘friend’(???) are u or am I?

I don’t f-ck where my folks f-ck!

Plain and simple.

Dogs and beyeotches do that!

Have a nice day!

disco

October 25th, 2011
10:28 am

i met a guy back in 95 and we dated for years. he and I are still in contact to this day. after meeting his brother I’ve long since joked that I wish I’d met his brother first. I never had any intention of dating his brother or anything else but I love to mention it just to get the rise out of him. this guy has moved on from me, married, had 3 children and yet it still irks him to hear me mention that I wish I had met his brother first. even if I ask in conversation “how’s your brother doing” he gets ticked. comical. personally, I don’t get it. if you don’t want me – don’t worry about what next fellow might want me.

I also know of women that are overly possessive like that re their “baby daddy”. like he’s off the market to everyone else forever because they have a kid by him. again, I don’t get it.

JustMe, Slim

October 25th, 2011
10:28 am

And to add, outside of feeling weird if they messed around with each other, I’d feel uncomfortable talking about the relationship with my friend.

SexyCool

October 25th, 2011
10:32 am

Hey, Rock…I’m so official. (lol)

SexyCool

October 25th, 2011
10:32 am

Depends on the circumstances, quite frankly.

Raqi

October 25th, 2011
10:33 am

Hey Kimmie. You see I “shrugged” at the issue ‘cause you know…well you know. LOL I know in some cases it does not work but in my case ¯\_(ツ)_/¯.

I have had one person in the last 11 years that has tried hard to make me feel some kind of way about being with the wonderful man that I am with. I quickly shut that down by telling that person her trying to come at me cross-eyed about something that is none of her business is like trying to make me feel bad because I inherited great genes from my grandmother and mother. HA!!! Good luck with that. Yes I AM on the upper level of attractive.

Or trying to make me feel bad because I birth beautiful babies. Or because I am smart. Or because I have the legs of a 20 year old runner. Or because I keep an immaculate home. Or because I drive a nice car.

My place in life is legal. What do I have to feel bad about? (LOL) It’s honest and it’s honorable.

He’s happy. I’m happy. And God is perfectly pleased with it.

Screw all that man/woman code crap. As long as the man above is fine with it, its a go.

And I agree about the maturity of it all and the time that has gone by.

Raqi

October 25th, 2011
10:34 am

Hey SEXYCOOL. Big hug…hold on let me detach this baby from my pap…Big Hug to you.

disco

October 25th, 2011
10:34 am

SCool – your “official” comment made me think color purple “I’se married now”. I know the wedding hasn’t taken place yet but with the ring “you’se official now”.

dyslexicbunny

October 25th, 2011
10:35 am

Only if you have too many friends.

Exiled!

October 25th, 2011
10:42 am

How do u know God is happy with whatever u do really.

U only hope he is.

oneofeach4me

October 25th, 2011
10:44 am

@disco ~ I agree with the baby daddy thing; just because you have a child with him does not mean he cannot or should not be with someone else if not with you. However, we are talking between complete strangers here, not friends. I surely wouldn’t date my friend’s child’s father under any circumstances.

SexyCool

October 25th, 2011
10:44 am

disco – exactly!!!

kimmie

October 25th, 2011
10:44 am

disco – One of my best friends was possessive about a guy that she was just friends with! He was a dude that attended UGA with us, but being that UGA is so huge, it is entirely possible to not know everyone in your graduating class. Anyway, after college they both got a job up in Conn and ran into each other there. They did not date. She was into athletes and had a man and he was a short nerd. 3 years down the road he gets transferred back here and moves in the same general neighborhood as me. We connect and get to be friends and start to date some. She was not happy about it. She said even though they did not date and she was in no way attracted to him in that way, it made her uncomfortable. He dated one of her other friends and she was okay with it. She said it just seemed like we were not a good match and it was like I was dating her brother. That ended up being true and we really only “went out” a few times before we realized we were better as platonic friends. We never did the do, just made out a few times. But she really acted weird about it. He moved on and got married and has a few kids, we have all moved on.

I had not thought about that in years. But I have seen cases of that – folks possessive about friends or brothers or cousins, etc.

Celisea

October 25th, 2011
10:47 am

And I could be wrong here but IMO to be “offended” over an ex would indicate some feelings remain. Really when folks move on and get over, you really don’t care what they do and with whom it’s getting done.

MMEELLOO – There’s no code in the good book that you can’t marry someone available. As long as he’s available and don’t have several wives he still have yet to finish vows with…God is good and he’s happy.

disco

October 25th, 2011
10:52 am

ooh. I am just chock full of stories today. re possessiveness. in general, I allow my son (22) and youngest brother (my other son, 26) to date who they want but I have a friend who is 40 something and was creeping with the 26 year old son of a friend of hers and she always went on and on about how great he was and how much fun she was having. I was blunt about the fact that if a chick – a friend of mine, acquaintance of mine, a neighbor of mine – whoever over 40 was pushing up on my son or brother said chick would have to deal with me. my son and brother think it’s hilarious but they know I mean it. this cougar stuff can go too far…

Randyt (aka...Been There, Done That, Have a Closet Full of T-Shirts)

October 25th, 2011
10:53 am

timely because over the weekend i watched the chic flic, “Something Borrowed” where the girl’s best friend falls in love herher fiance. Won him, lost freindship.

Easy answer for a guy…sex is easy in ATL, love is harder, a true friend is hardest and rarest of all. Not worth ruining a friendship over a minor infatuation that the odds say is not going to last anyway.

That said, I did want to date my best friend’s ex a few years ago (met her before I even knew they were a couple), after a reasonable amount of time and permission given. However, another so-called friend of ours jumped on the opportunity immediately…and they are no longer friends. Again, not worth losing a friendship.

Celisea

October 25th, 2011
10:54 am

but I have a friend who is 40 something and was creeping with the 26 year old son of a friend of hers

Horse of another color…I would be livid

Exiled!

October 25th, 2011
10:57 am

‘As long as he’s available’

I don’t think so Celisea!

dogs do better than that test.

Man has to have a lil more scrutiny and moral values beyond ‘as long as he’s available’

Like I said earlier,dogs and animals fck mom,sister,friend,neighbor etc. They don’t care.

Men?

We expect a lil better.
But desperate men and beyeotches take it up a notch!

disco

October 25th, 2011
11:01 am

celisea – I was livid and I was on the outside looking in. it finally came to light and she and her friend had a few words and parted ways. I told her she’s lucky she had a “talking” friend because I would have thrown blows behind that one.

Mitzymy

October 25th, 2011
11:01 am

My daughters ex was dated by her best friend, after she took her friend in when she had no where to live with her children. She took care of her and helped her get in school and helped her get a job. She fed her and her children, even though she and the ex had 3 in the household together. He has since tried to get back with my daughter because he is not happy with her ex friend. My daughter is through with both of them. It is not a good idea to hook up with your friends ex. These 2 were together for 12 years, so you know there were still feelings in the mix. Don’t do it, because you will lose a dear friend, and he is never worth it.

Sassy Me..Sun Kissed ;-)

October 25th, 2011
11:01 am

…sex is easy in ATL, love is harder, a true friend is hardest and rarest of all. Not worth ruining a friendship over a minor infatuation that the odds say is not going to last anyway.

Real talk Randy…

Celisea

October 25th, 2011
11:05 am

MMeelloo – dogs do better than that test.

I meant “available” as in free to marry. Not anything juvenile or petty or crass.

Exiled!

October 25th, 2011
11:11 am

There is nothing crassier than jumping/lurching onto someone just because they are now free from the ’shackes’ of somebody else u happen to know.

They do that in Hollyweird,u know.

Are we now living by those standards?

Nate Dogg

October 25th, 2011
11:11 am

It ain’t no fun if the homies can’t have none.

THE INFAMOUS DK

October 25th, 2011
11:12 am

RAQI – Hola you!! And you know my stance on this one.. I think thats how we became friends.. Arguing about this one.. No firends shouldnt date a friends ex-snatch.. But whatever works..

THE INFAMOUS DK

October 25th, 2011
11:12 am

Hey erybody!!

Exiled!

October 25th, 2011
11:16 am

and I will shut this by saying my friend is my brother. We like blood.

now how is that dating and f-cking ur brother’s ex working for ya?

sorry if I made anyone sore! :lol:

Raqi

October 25th, 2011
11:17 am

Celisea, exactly. When that day come for me stand before God it will only be what I did and did not do to please him that matters. He will not be judging me based on what another person’s opinion or willingness to do or have done. As long as he is fine with it, what people say or think means nothing.

So many people forfeit true happiness and peace of mind because they are too busy trying to live up to and keep up with what others think about what they are doing. All while some freely doing things that the Man upstairs is not pleased with.

And I did not lose a friend. I gained a best friend, a confidant, a golden parachute.

CazLand

October 25th, 2011
11:18 am

Communication is the key,talk to the friend to gauge the temp.Just cause they say it’s ok, may not mean it to be true.

Leon Phelps....Live and In color!!!

October 25th, 2011
11:19 am

Depends on how much info has been shared….If my boy told me she was all about it, and he has moved on with no expectations, then girl might get got!!