accessAtlanta

City & State or ZIP Tonight, this weekend, May 5th...
City & State or ZIP
City & State or ZIP Tonight, this weekend, May 5th...
City & State or ZIP

Social life keeping you single?

Earlier this week we talked about knowing what we really want in a mate and ending up with someone totally different. It reminded me of another dating conundrum: the thing that attracts you to someone in the beginning is often the same thing that drives a wedge between you two later.

For example, a man meets a woman out at a party. She is vibrant, friendly, full of life and is pretty active on the social scene. At first, he loves this about her. They get together and suddenly it’s a problem that his little social butterfly won’t sit home with him in a quiet cocoon of an existence. See what happened there? It’s a classic example of how things become a little more complicated when expectations kick in.

A lot of people I know who go out a lot are ready and willing to take on domestic/married/coupled up life. I believe that you can actually strike a nice balance of both if you wanted to. A little compromise goes a long way, doesn’t it?

Is it possible partying is keeping some people single? Yes, especially when they are out in the clubs, bars, every single night getting numbers, getting wasted – rinse, repeat, etc. That is not the same as living it up and enjoying the freedom of singlehood, though, is it? What do you think?

Have you ever dated someone who told that you go out too much?

How many times a month do you go out with friends, party, or attend some social event? Do you think this improves your chances of meeting someone? Has it been a distraction from exploring things with someone special?

When does going out and partying too much become a red flag for you?

By Wise Diva, Misadventures in Atlanta Dating Blog

291 comments Add your comment

CmonSeriously

October 7th, 2011
7:07 am

When it prevents either/both of you from getting things done that are needed, not wanted. If it becomes detrimental then it has gone too far.

The man formerly know as Dan - still...Superior

October 7th, 2011
8:13 am

If you’re in a relationship acting single (partying, going out with your homegirls, etc.) then you most likely need to remain single.

Being in a relationship is about finding a harmony with the person you’re with, and if one of you is a social butterfly and the other isn’t, then balance is key.

Reverse the question; if a man was still hitting the clubs (strip and otherwise) with his homeboys, what would his lady start to believe?

Save the diatribes, but as far as I know, males and females go to clubs (strip and otherwise) for the purpose of finding the opposite sex; if only for a night or longer.

Figment

October 7th, 2011
8:39 am

If they’re more focused on partying than working on a relationship, then they should stay single.

Leggs

October 7th, 2011
8:42 am

Good morning…..

If only that was my problem!

I agree with Dan/Figment. If your mate is troubled by all of the partying and if you truly want the relationship you would respect his concerns and tone down the partying. If you don’t want to party with your mate at all then you’re with the wrong person.

CmonSeriously

October 7th, 2011
8:58 am

Does it at all seem like we are all assuming that we live with the person?

Leggs

October 7th, 2011
9:00 am

I’m thinking they’re dating but the partying is preventing them from spending quality time with one another.

The man formerly know as Dan - still...Superior

October 7th, 2011
9:01 am

@CS

Not I. Specifically, if you’re beginning to date someone that you can only see every other Friday night because “someone’s in town”, “it’s such and such’s birthday” or other excuses it gets old quick.

HST

October 7th, 2011
9:03 am

I agree completely with the last paragraph of this blog. I also feel that if your SO does go out like that they need attention. That attention is something they need for their ego or simply something you’re not giving them. I really feel the people in relationships out here apply as well but more like this is their club or their last little piece of being single with out causing stress (or they consider this their blog for personal chat). I know I said I wasn’t going there again but this is the TOD, therefore, it’s applicable.

A relationship is about being harmonious with your SO. I never wanted to do anything without my last SO. If I went out she was with me. Not that we didn’t have our own hobbies, friends, activities and such but we wanted to be together. In any relationship those things are key for success.

As far as compromise, I suck at that. I’m over-educated and independently wealthy, I despise compromise. I want and do what I want when I want. That is a no compromise policy for me. Asking a SO to change their actions is a recipe for disaster for the most part. Especially, if those actions are going to make the relationship work. I say if you’re at that point you need to back out and find another SO.

HST

October 7th, 2011
9:11 am

CmonSeriously, if your not living with your SO then I say most bets are off. I’d still be worried about what I wasn’t giving my SO if they were going out like stated in this blog. If your going out to where singles are you want attention from the opposite sex. Why else would you be there?

CmonSeriously

October 7th, 2011
9:16 am

Sometimes you just want to get away from home and be around people, anyone single and living alone can completely understand that, even if you go to a bar on a slow night, it’s still nice to get out around people in general, not specifically attention from the opposite sex.

The man formerly know as Dan - still...Superior

October 7th, 2011
9:30 am

@CS

There’s a difference between ’sometimes’ and ‘every (other) weekend’, shoot I’d even say more than 2 weekdays in a month.

Mike P

October 7th, 2011
9:32 am

Good Morning All,

When does going out and partying too much become a red flag for you? – When I have to scheduled-in into her “appointment book” during non-business hours/days.

CmonSeriously

October 7th, 2011
9:37 am

If you have to get penned into her appointment book, she’s dating other dudes, RUN, any chick that is dating multiple guys at the same time wants it all and isn’t willing to sacrafice, better off without her.

HST

October 7th, 2011
9:39 am

CmonSeriously, if you want to be around people because you’re lonely you go to a friend’s or family’s house, not a bar full of strangers. If your at that bar you’re looking for sexual attention one way or another.

There’s so many better ways to not be lonely than a alcohol soaked bar breeding addiction and false pretenses. Join a club of interest.

kimmie

October 7th, 2011
9:39 am

Morning All and happy Friday!

Grown people do what they want to do. People will also make time for the things they want. A person does not have to put down all of their friends and things they enjoy because they are now in a relationship. But at the same time, if they are really serious about making it work, they will find a way to significantly fit this new person into their life.

This was actually an issue I ran into quite a bit early in my dating years. Folks that want to live single, but still be coupled up. I’ve even heard of marrieds where one still wants to go out with the gang to clubs without the spouse. People like that are clearly not ready for a committed relationship.

After a certain point, all the clubbing should get old. I wouldn’t sit around waiting on anyone for that to happen. Look for someone likeminded.

HST

October 7th, 2011
9:45 am

Mike P, that is very subjective. Only an individual can answer that for themselves.

With your example, I’d say it’s the beginning of a relationship and to be expected with a socially active lady.

CmonSeriously

October 7th, 2011
9:47 am

HST
Not saying that I am lonely, just saying I want to get out and do something with people. BIG differrence, and sometimes you just don’t want to be around friends, strangers are just fine, new is a good thing, not a bad. Friends are great and all but sometime you need an escape.

HST

October 7th, 2011
9:49 am

Opps, at 9:39 I meant to address Mike P.

I am is Ying....

October 7th, 2011
9:50 am

…He is my Yang!

Mike P

October 7th, 2011
9:51 am

@CmonSeriously : Agreed! lol

@HST: I am referring to after awhile, say at/after date three (over two month period)… if she hasn’t figured out what’s-what by then and she still wants to be “socially active,” I’m GONE! She’s free to be “socially-active” without me, she can then pencil-in some other dude.

I am His Ying....

October 7th, 2011
9:52 am

…He is my Yang. Y’all know what i Mean.

I am His Ying....

October 7th, 2011
9:54 am

…I am his Yang. Y’all know what I mean. lol

HST

October 7th, 2011
9:54 am

Cmon, I agree completely. I think if we don’t keep up our individuality then we loose ourselves. I will not date a girl (for more than sex) who doesn’t have hobbies, friends and interests. Last thing I want is a clingy girl. After all wasn’t it our individuality that attracted the other to us and us to them?

The man formerly know as Dan - still...Superior

October 7th, 2011
9:55 am

@Mike

If I’m seeing a woman only 3 times in a 2 month period – I been gone shawty.

Not that she needs to be at my beck and call, but if I don’t see her at least once a week, then let’s just say my memory gets bad.

HST

October 7th, 2011
9:56 am

MikeP, I thought I said what you did, however, I agree.

HST

October 7th, 2011
9:57 am

3 times in a 2 month period means you aren’t the only one…well, most likely.

HST

October 7th, 2011
10:00 am

Did anyone get banned yesterday?

Mike P

October 7th, 2011
10:00 am

@Dan : dats what I’m saying! No more “imma socially active woman, lemme pencil you in” chicks for me, I’ve learned my lesson already.

The man formerly know as Dan - still...Superior

October 7th, 2011
10:04 am

@Mike

I’m saying, if she’d have said that to me before any date there wouldn’t have been one. Ion play that mess.

kimmie

October 7th, 2011
10:05 am

Unless its a requirement for someones job, that they have to attend a lot of social functions, I see this being more of an issue for the very young. Speaking for myself, the club/bar scene really does get old. You see your friends moving on in their careers and personal life, even if not married, they are coming into their own. Social activities start to center around concrete interests, like running or biking, sking, music, etc. If you have kids, you are busy with activities around them. It’s nothing sadder that a 40+ adult still trying to hang out in the clubs.

SexyCool

October 7th, 2011
10:12 am

Sooo, HST…should you find yourself in a relationship, will you stop participating in this forum?

oneofeach4me

October 7th, 2011
10:14 am

I like to go out to clubs to dance… it’s that what the dancefloor is for? I actually do not even want, need, seek, or invite sexual attention. Going out with a group of my girl, dancing and having a few drinks relieves stress for me. Sometimes me and my dude go out together with the group. However, we only do this (separately or together) about once or twice in a month. We have kids, bills, school, dogs, and a life to tend to. Going out too often becomes a habit and can be a dangerous one. Everything in moderation.

HST

October 7th, 2011
10:19 am

Great post kimmie, I feel the exact same way. I don’t feel almost 40 but I don’t want to not be age appropriate either. Night clubs usually leave you smelling like a cigarette and you almost always leave with regret. With today’s Social Media meeting an interest in a bar is outdated, IMO.

disco

October 7th, 2011
10:23 am

good morning everyone. to co-sign kimmie’s comment re “old” folks hanging around at the club. I recently told a 50+ male friend of mine that he needs to leave the clubs alone (on topic – I did point out that his clubbing likely had something to do with his second divorce). his reply was that he likes to dance. my reply was that I like to dance too but I lean more toward dancing around the living room. he insists that can’t be nearly as much fun. I beg to differ. growing up my family was known for a good house party. most of my friends’ children love to come to my house because I’ll move the furniture out of the way and let them show us what the youngsters are doing these days. I still hit the club on occasion but it’s usually when I’m travelling and its what the group wants to do. at a recent family reunion, we cousins hit a club about 40-50 deep. we had a blast.

oneofeach4me

October 7th, 2011
10:31 am

Going to a club every once in a while under the age of 40 is no biggie. 40+ is when you start to look lame if for no other reason than you cannot dance anymore or at the very least don’t know the new moves! LOL

kimmie

October 7th, 2011
10:32 am

disco – Sounds like your family is like mine, especially the extended family!!LOL!!! Those are some of the best memories I have of our family reunions – when we get up and all dance!!! We are going to DC in December for my oldest aunt’s 90th birthday celebration. She is 90 going on 60. I mean seriously, she does not miss a beat and looks fabulous. She is sometimes on a cane, but bet she will be out there on that dance floor at that party, cane & all. I can’t wait!

Figment

October 7th, 2011
10:34 am

I’ve been done with the club/bar scene for a long time. I also enjoy dancing but until I find a decent 70’s/80’s night club to check out I can skip out on the dancing. I’d much rather spend my free time with my SO. Hiking or camping, cuddled up on the couch with a good movie, fishing, heck even shopping with my SO is a blast, and I hate shopping!

Celisea

October 7th, 2011
10:35 am

Morning and happy Friday!!

I’ve even heard of marrieds where one still wants to go out with the gang to clubs without the spouse. People like that are clearly not ready for a committed relationship

To Kimmie’s statement, this behavior happens. One acquaintance was telling me about a pajama party he attended and you know me, I asked…”um so where was so and so” and he said at home with the girls. I had asked him what’s up with that??? He simply stated they lived together before they married and she knew what he was then. Really?? He said he does his part. HE SAID, I spend time with the girls, sole provider for the family and puts in a bit of “family time.” He feels justified after that and it’s off to do his thing. And he said, yes he said “I do my part so so and so can’t say a word to me when I go out” It’s nothing for me to run across him downtown, Cobb County, wherever. Yes, he said those words to me. I told him that’s a dang shame.

Another one that I’m much tighter with and I can go there with him more so, is always out and about but in a “different” way. He’s slick with his. We became friends probably at the start of their marriage. Very nice wife. He too plays the “great dad/husband” role to a “T” but he ain’t right either. She’s always home and he’s always gone. He STAY in the street.

I tell ‘em but really what’s that?

Went to Strip with a few friends and yeah there was some 60 somethng looking cat moving from chick to chick, drink in hand and tryna mac. Yes, mac fits what he was doing and his age. Funny thing though was if she was hawt, some young cat would just knock him off and take over…that was funny but sad to watch.

kimmie

October 7th, 2011
10:37 am

oneofeach – Lame is right. I remember those old men that would be at the clubs when I used to go, and to be honest, most didn’t even try to dance. They were either glued to the bar or holding the wall up. Most either looked like dirty old men or just sad.

oneofeach4me

October 7th, 2011
10:41 am

@Kimmie ~ yup. Those are the ones that when I was about 10 years younger.. I made sure they were no where near me when I exited the place!!! CHESTER, CHESTER….. u know the rest!

kimmie

October 7th, 2011
10:41 am

Celisea – I’m just shaking my head as I read your post. But you know, folks will only do to you what you allow. And yeah, if they were doing that while you were dating and getting serious and you didn’t say anything, what makes you think they’ll change after you marry.

But hey, to each his/her own.

Celisea

October 7th, 2011
10:43 am

Yep Kimmie you’re right. Folks know better but not willing to do better.

The man formerly know as Dan - still...Superior

October 7th, 2011
10:50 am

@Cel

Dude is not far off.

Key point “sole provider.” Again, switch the pronoun, if it was a ’she’ instead of a ‘he’, I have no doubt that some of the ladies on here wouldn’t begrudge her a single minute of ‘alone time’.

Balancing work/home life is delicate act for anyone, and so that “I’mma do me – don’t bother me” time is important if only for perspective.

CmonSeriously

October 7th, 2011
10:52 am

K, speaking from a guys point of view, yes it is very sad for some of those older guys, imagine you were thrown into a situation where you just got divorced, you don’t know any single people or where to find them, or how to be socially acceptable at your age and all your friends are married. Women, I really wish you could understand what it has to be like for a guy trying to pick up girls, you girls have it far far easier, dudes are really easy. A girl that is going to a bar to meet someone and have a fling has 10 time the chance of a guy, just because guys are pigs, I am one, I know.

SexyCool

October 7th, 2011
10:53 am

“I have no doubt that some of the ladies on here wouldn’t begrudge her a single minute of ‘alone time’. ”

Then you don’t know some of us very well.

Celisea

October 7th, 2011
10:57 am

Dan – Let’s not make this a man vs woman thing. We all need an outlet or some down time. No justification for this cat. Pajama party?? C’mon. I can think of a number of things you can do as an outlet or some alone time…that was NOT alone time, “me time” maybe but definitely not winding down time. But he all but said it…..”she knew what I was before we married.” I think that pretty much says it all.

SexyCool

October 7th, 2011
10:58 am

ANY individual that is ALWAYS in the streets may as well be single. Period.

kimmie

October 7th, 2011
10:59 am

SCool – Cosign. If any woman is hanging out at clubs or parties on the regular, living and looking single, while her hubby is at home with the kids – uhm no, that’s equal opportunity trifling.

Cmon – I save my sympathy for folks that are having a hard time finding a job or dealing with serious health issues. A divorced older man trying to pick up women – nope. He’ll be fine, trust.

SexyCool

October 7th, 2011
11:02 am

Tuesday night, I *really, really* wanted to go run with my BGR group after work, but I knew that I hadn’t really seen TheDude since Monday morning because of our current work schedule. Since he would have left to go to work while I was gone running, I made the choice to take my rear to the house instead, spend some time with my sweetie and make him a great sandwich to take to work.

I was able to go to the group run yesterday evening while he was gong to LA Fitness. Worked out great!

Randyt (aka...DON'T HAVE ONE OF THESE T SHIRTS)

October 7th, 2011
11:02 am

Every once in awhile, I see a married couple who, to me, aren’t a married couple. Instead, one or both of them are still single in head and heart. My opinion only, but it seems that if there is a genuine commitment, then the need for the party scene diminishes…or should.

@ cmonseriously…I agree totally. This is why I almost never do the bar pickup thing …odds are really bad for a guy at most bars (and I paid a good part of my way through college playing poker, so I think in terms of odds and probabilities). One thing about Internet dating is that it is stacked in a guy’s favor. Better odds. (With the exception of a few legendary “meat markets” in ATL that stack the odds in a guy’s favor too ;-)