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On a date? Don’t talk money

I feel like I keep having the same conversation with guys about being cognizant of the image they want to project. While they may enjoy wining and dining a woman, if they find themselves doing it beyond their means, it’s a recipe for disaster.

Smart people can tell when someone is trying too hard to impress their date. Atlanta is full of people who enjoy showing off the good life and the fancy lifestyle, but a lot of times it’s just a front. Things would be so much easier if people were authentically themselves and didn’t give in to the pressure to be someone they are not.

I always ask my guy friends to avoid alluding to money, finances, etc., on the first date, especially when they are already successful in their fields. Sometimes it signals the wrong thing and they could either turn off a good woman or turn on the not so great one.

When you first start to date someone, do you bring up money?

Do you feel comfortable discussing finances when you are not in a relationship?

Do you ever feel pressure to over spend and impress your date?

I have had extravagant dates and I have had really simple dates. I am pretty sure I would be thrilled doing just about any activity when I feel a strong connection with my date. This does not require a lot of fanfare or expense. Sometimes, that ends up being a distraction.

When do you think that money/finance talk is necessary?

What is the right time to bring it up and how do you?

By Wise Diva, Misadventures in Atlanta Dating Blog

193 comments Add your comment

Matt

October 3rd, 2011
6:54 am

WD I am glad you brought this particular subject up, I hear women complaining all the time about a guy being “cheap” yet, if they actually do something nice and go through the steps of traditional dating they are viewed as being arrogant about money or even alluding to money. At what point did wining and dining a girl become a bad thing, at what point did setting up a “date” and bringing her roses become over the top? Since when did putting in the effort become a bad thing? Have women just become accustomed to settling for less? I would love to hear a stand point from a woman on this.

Matt

October 3rd, 2011
7:18 am

Me personally, I try to avoid money talk, and I absolutely hate when asked directly “how much do you make” comes up. I describe my job as being a server admin, but when I come home I don’t touch the computer at all. I try to compare it to the movie “office space” to avoid more questions.

MrsNewy

October 3rd, 2011
7:35 am

I avoided the money talk until we started to discuss possibly cohabitating and then we got married. I never brought up money when I was dating anyone. I like dates with alot of thought behind them. For example, when dating hubby knew I like poetry, so we often would go to spoken word events (no cover, reasonable price for dinner and drinks). Those were the things that impressed me. Why? Because he made an effort to do things I like that are not necessarily his cup of tea. Those are the things I remember. I have had some over the top dates, but they were never as memorable as the little things hubby did and still does.

The right time to bring up money is when you are thinking of moving from dating to something more permanent.

thewindwhistler

October 3rd, 2011
8:06 am

I eat out quite a lot with my long time date. Money is inconsequential, simply because I take my Ruby Tuesday coupon. We have what ever entree that we want, for beverage only water and no desert. I get out for$20.00. I am a little like Andy Rooney, I am a little peculiar about having a corner booth where the other diners will not be looking at me. I have several dozen dining cards, all paid in advance so I have the whole finance thing all a done deal. The only money that is talke d about is the tip. I like leaving some thing sustantial, like $5.00.

Jeff

October 3rd, 2011
8:15 am

Before I ever go out with a woman, I pay attention to how she affords her current lifestyle. Observation is free and saves as much time as it does wasted money.

Matt

October 3rd, 2011
8:25 am

Kudos to you Jeff, took me a long time to learn to look how a girl takes care of herself and decide whether or not she is high maintenance, gimme a girl that enjoys being pampered once in a while, but is just as happy to curl up on a couch and watch “house”

Leggs

October 3rd, 2011
8:44 am

Good morning.

“When you first start to date someone, do you bring up money?” – No. Just like you don’t bring up sex or engage in sexual innuendos on that first date.

“At what point did wining and dining a girl become a bad thing, at what point did setting up a “date” and bringing her roses become over the top?: – Not sure who you’ve been dating, but for a real woman, none of what you said is a bad thing. It’s a beautiful thing to present a woman with flowers when you pick her up for that first date. It’s very manly (for lack of a better word).

MrsNewy

October 3rd, 2011
8:49 am

@ Leggs. I agree…A lady likes and appreciates a man being a man.

Good morning Everyone!

Matt

October 3rd, 2011
8:54 am

Well I have talked to a bunch of guys and women about this exact subject, and I am really glad that WD brought this up. Most of the guys I know, nice guys, quit doing this because every once in a while became as something that was expected, and no longer appreciated. How do you get the point across that this is a special occasion and should not be something that is an everyday/week thing to do?

October 3rd, 2011
8:55 am

My experience has been that money conversations during dating came up more when I was younger. Most times it wasn’t as blatant as how much money I make, but the sizing-you-up questions. They will ask you a simple question such as what do you do. Based on your response, she will let you know if she will give you the time of day. If she’s cool, she’ll ask you more about what you do. If it’s a negative, she’ll tell you who she’s used to dating or what she’s looking for. Essentially, it will be evident if you fit in or not.

October 3rd, 2011
9:01 am

Another type of woman won’t care what you do, as long as you’re bring in income………legal or not. All they care about is getting their bills paid. It’s sometimes funny how it comes up in conversation. You have this nice looking woman sitting across from you, and all you can think about is how to get to know her better. All of a sudden, she mentions problems with one bill….then another….then how she wish there was more help to handle them. That beautiful girl that once sat across from me, just transformed into the lady of the night……or maybe that’s who she was the whole time. Check please.

Leggs

October 3rd, 2011
9:03 am

@Matt ~ I don’t know any woman that expects flowers every time he rings the doorbell to take her out on a date. What I expect is your treat me with respect as I will you on a date. Flowers, is not expected. If the women are expecting this all the time, then pout when there aren’t any in his hand, you have the wrong woman. She may not be looking for a long term relationship, but rather a man who has money who can buy for her. If she’s not presented with some form of a token of appreciation for her presence and whines about it, she has presented to you who she really is. Materialistic and doesn’t want YOU, but only what you can give her….RUN!

Sparkle

October 3rd, 2011
9:04 am

Money conversations come up when people are usually insecure about themselves and think that annnouncing that they have tons of money will impress their date. Sometimes people who talk about it really don’t have it. A few thousand dollars doesn’t make you rich, you need a lot more. Stay away from money talk unless it’s a business manner.

Lee

October 3rd, 2011
9:06 am

Wining and dining is not a bad thing, you are just dating the wrong gal. I hear others females talk about guys being cheap those ones usually just want want want they are not in it to know you just to get what they can from you and move on to the next guy, guys do this to just looking for other things then the lady’s. :) Personally i don’t like doing the same thing all the time, so if one weekend we go to the movies, next maybe get dressup and hit the town, its good to mix it up , i don’t expect to be wined and dined every time plus that gets boring. I don’t ask nor do i talk about money, only if i was moving in with someone or marriage – most people lie about finance anyways.. well in my experience

Matt

October 3rd, 2011
9:10 am

@Leggs
You are wise, I do run nowadays, great weekend though, really gettin out there again, it feels great!!! Don’t know what it is, dating comes in spirts for me. I will get like 12 dates and then go into a rut for a while.

SlimNu

October 3rd, 2011
9:12 am

Happy Chilly Willy Monday folks!

I would not feel comfortable or appropriate to discuss money on a first date. It’s a coincidence that this is today’s topic because the beau and I were talking about this subject just last night.

Reio

October 3rd, 2011
9:24 am

Can’t recall talking about money on a date. During general conversation, I may have mentioned the fact that I was planning to purchas a new car, or replace my refridgerator.. or something along those lines. In most instances, I would mention my occupation, because I was always up front about myself, and wanted to make sure she had a fairly good picture of me. Frankly I struggled to maintain relationships, primarily because I was too direct, up front, and impatient with women to sustain them. I wanted them to like me, but I did’nt realy give a dam if they did’nt. So, I was never out to impress them. Take me as I am, or hit the road. Never felt the need to bring up money.

Matt

October 3rd, 2011
9:33 am

All in all money talk, bad idea, at any point, I am damn proud of what I do, and to avoid talking about that becomes a little difficult, especially when probed, btw, I went on a date this weekend with a single mom and she probed at my job, over and over again, I don’t know if being a single mom makes a huge difference on that or not.

abc

October 3rd, 2011
9:38 am

It’s appropriate to talk about finances if marriage is in the plans. Otherwise, it’s never appropriate to speak of how much you make, nor how much you have — not with dates, friends, co-workers, nobody. It will likely only lead to one or both parties feeling resentful and/or uneasy, in either the short or long haul.

Leggs

October 3rd, 2011
9:43 am

I was chatting with a guy yesterday and wanted to know what type of job he had. I decided not to ask because I didn’t want him to think that would determine whether I would continue to seek more information on who he was as a person. I did ask if he had legal employment and left it at that for further discussion down the road.

Continuous probing on a person’s occupation is not good. However, she may have felt the more elusive you are may indicate you’re hiding something. She may see it that you may be connected to the mob, a sharp shooter or a drug lord. I kid, I kid, but she’s probably now nervous as to why you want tell her what you do. In any event, probing is not good.

Lady Strange

October 3rd, 2011
9:47 am

@Matt – I’m a “single” mom and I think it was rude of her to probe about your job. Asking what you do should be enough for the first date. More than that is pretty rude IMO. If you want to divuldge then that’s your choice, but to probe repeatedly. Rudeness.

MrsNewy

October 3rd, 2011
9:49 am

@ Matt even as a single mom I didn’t do it. I could carry the weight of my financial opportunities both then and now. Like Sparkle and Leggs said, it smacks of insecurity or needing financial help. On a side note I had a conversation with my BFF who said she stays with her current beau for financial reasons only because she can’t maintain her lifestyle without him. To me, that is NEVER a good idea. If hubby left or passed tomorrow, I could still maintain my lifestyle. Relationships should be about 2 whole people coming together not two halves trying to make a whole.

Matt

October 3rd, 2011
9:51 am

@Lady
Thanks
@Leggs
You guys are right, I will continue my stand point of not talking about it and continue to describe it as the movie “Office Space” :) People usually don’t probe as much when you say that.

Matt

October 3rd, 2011
9:52 am

@MrsNewy
HUA!!!! Heard, Understood, Acknowledged!!!

Leggs

October 3rd, 2011
10:02 am

We have a new acronym – HUA! I likes…

abc

October 3rd, 2011
10:03 am

I think asking “what do you do for a living?” is fine; I think queries about how much it pays is inappropriate. I’d say volunteering that kind of information is inappropriate, male or female, it goes both ways.

Matt

October 3rd, 2011
10:04 am

HUA is a military acronym, been around for a long long time, it can also mean Head Up A__

czBrat

October 3rd, 2011
10:09 am

HiYas!

wouldn’t talk money on a first date nor a tenth. i am sooooo not impressed with anyone who flaunts or discusses money from jump. when we meet, please don’t bother trying to impress me with your purported wealth, intellect nor sexual prowess. just be YOU.

our finances only become each others’ business if we’re talking about becoming one household. as we’ve said here before, you can learn a lot just by paying attention. by the time it comes around to talking about our financial situations, most of it is pretty much apparent.

Lt Col Razorback

October 3rd, 2011
10:10 am

The easiest way that I have found to avoid having those “questionable conversations” on a date about my income is to not have them. That is, find your true love, marry her, and give up on the “dating scene”. :) Of course, being married means that income is a topic of frequent conversation, but it is a conversation that is always in the proper context i.e., it is a matter of business to both the husband and the wife and it is essetial that they both understand their financial climate and work together to live a mutually agreed upon lifestyle.

SexyCool

October 3rd, 2011
10:18 am

Matt – if a woman asks you outright how much money you make, it’s a sign to end the date.

SexyCool

October 3rd, 2011
10:19 am

thewindwhistler – $5 is not a substantial tip.

SexyCool

October 3rd, 2011
10:21 am

Sparkle – 904a – cosign.

abc

October 3rd, 2011
10:22 am

My typical tip is 20% + $1. $5 is enough of a tip to cover a $25 tab.

Matt

October 3rd, 2011
10:27 am

@SC
I don’t end the date, that is beyond rude, but I don’t make another one, that is for sure. Thanks though.

Matt

October 3rd, 2011
10:31 am

Ok here is a really good question, I get perks through my company that get me really cheap tickets for awesome events. I don’t want to say that I got these cheap, and I don’t want to allude that I have a good job.
What do you think would be the case if I were to get front row seats for Circ Du Soleil for around $30, tickets are usually about $100, $30 bucks a ticket isn’t a whole lot, but you don’t want to seem cheap, do you explain that you got a great deal on them or do you scrub taking a first date so something like that all together?

abc

October 3rd, 2011
10:35 am

You got tickets, that’s it and that’s all. The cost of the tickets is immaterial, I’d not mention it at all.

Matt

October 3rd, 2011
10:37 am

@abc
Good idea, I am going to have to call it a day guys, I won’t be able to get back on the blog today.

Celisea

October 3rd, 2011
10:40 am

Why does or would it matter to your date where or how you got them? If you’re going to take her, take her. Nothing to discuss.

SlimNu

October 3rd, 2011
10:40 am

Matt – It’s none of her business how much the tix cost. Folks know those shows are outrageous in price which is why i’ve never been to one. Shole would like me some front row tix for $30 hint, hint lol

Celisea

October 3rd, 2011
10:42 am

There are many events and venues where someone knows someone that knows someone, takes advantage of a discount, etc. That’s neither here nor there with your date. Just means you have great connections or hookups.

Leggs

October 3rd, 2011
10:42 am

Why do you have to explain how you got the tickets? To inquiry how you obtained the tix is rude. Discounted, free or otherwise, you invited that particular person so sit back and enjoy. I get discounted tix at work doesn’t “allude to the fact you have a good job.” What it does allude to is your have nice perks on your job. Your job could su*ck, but the perks are great. When you invite someone out on a date, why do you have to explain how you got whatever the perk might be. I don’t get that.

To be honest, it seems like you’re concerned about the darndest of things. You are an over thinker. Relax, enjoy.

SlimNu

October 3rd, 2011
10:44 am

You are an over thinker. Relax, enjoy

Leggs – That statement reminds me of what my dad would tell me all the time…that I lived inside my head too much. :oops:

Celisea

October 3rd, 2011
10:44 am

We always games and events around the city where we have access. I mostly turn down because I don’t like mixing personal life with business life but sometimes I go simply because it’s too hard to pass. We did the Circ Du Soleil and those tickets went for $125 a pop. That was for CEOs and CFOs and not one of them turned down the free opportunity.

Celisea

October 3rd, 2011
10:45 am

Know what they and their dates/wives/husbands thought? Great perks!!

Button

October 3rd, 2011
11:05 am

In my experince, guys always talk about money even before the first date. I asked one guy why does he always talk about money, his response: because that’s what you women want to hear..ugh! I don’t want to know off the bat what’s your financial portfolio, just knowing what your line of work is or what industry you work in can give me a clue of what your income is. Yes, talking about money on the first date is rude and tasteless on both parts.

IMO the right time to bring up finances is if the relationship is heading to marriage. You really can’t tell what a person is working with based on monies they spend on dates, but you can get a clue of how money conscience they are by how they spend. I’m not really good with money matters. I will go thru it like nothing. Spurge spending, buying things I really don’t need. But I’m learning, I now take my favorite shoe repaired instead of tossing it. It will help for me to partner with a man who is good with managing money.

CoolShadow

October 3rd, 2011
11:06 am

While I believe personal finance discussions are a non-issue for first dates and subsequent ones until some seriousness is being developed within the relationship, there’s nothing wrong with being observant of a potential’s money management and financial habits. What you observe could determine whether the relationship progresses or not. I understand especially in this economy financial hardships may be had and some money struggles encountered. But when you notice a person is constantly in crisis mode with money issues in good economic times it gives you pause. Especially when they’re trying to convert you into a financial kick stand under the guise of dating.

SlimNu

October 3rd, 2011
11:13 am

The way our convo came up was he asked why I haven’t been to the salon lately since I was going every two weeks. (I had started doing it myself weekly) He asked if i had incurred a new bill or what changed. I told him that sometimes one has to sacrifice a want or desire in order to make sure other things with higher priority get met/taken care of.

oneofeach4me

October 3rd, 2011
11:15 am

Sometimes asking “what do you do” is not always a “size you up” question. I ask this question just to get to know someone better, and for conversation. Now.. asking “so how much do they pay in that field”? THAT is a size you up question. I have no problem telling you what I do, but I am not gonna tell you my yearly salary just yet.

I do not expect wine and dine, just a relaxed good time with a REAL person. No fronting please…. no matter what your yearly salary. I want to enjoy someone’s company so even take out Chinese will work for me!! I will say that as things escalate though, I took care of someone on and off for 11 years (couldn’t keep a job) and it always left me broke with nothing left for myself. I was tired of working 40+ hours a week and not being able to enjoy it. So later in the dating process, I am going to feel my way around to see if the guy can hold his own. I don’t want someone paying my bills… just their own or half of what “we” accumulate.

@Matt ~ if a girl doesn’t appreciate roses, she is probably still carrying baggage from a previous relationship and may be assuming that you are just trying to “trick” her. Keep it real and if she likes you, for who you are roses and all, she will come around.

Robert

October 3rd, 2011
11:24 am

It depends on where you are in your life. For example men and women between the ages of (20-35) are just starting their careers and do not have a lot of money to spend on a date. It would be inappropriate to discuss money matters when you are young and learning how to manage money. Young ladies if a young man asks you for money, ask him what is his strategy for managing money? If he has no strategy run as fast as you can. Men and women (40-50+) should have their careers and money matters in order and should be creating a strategy for retirement. That strategy should include all sources of income (SS, pensions, etc.) as well as “downsizing” from a house that is to large and no longer useful since the kids are grown and gone.

In summary take care of your own finances and understand what you want to achieve regardless of age and income before you start merging your income with someone who may not have a financial plan “strategy” for success.

Exiled!

October 3rd, 2011
11:27 am

Me thinks Matt is M.(dot)’s brother or cousin.

One minute sounds immature,another he sounds so outta it,like a long married now divorced,yet another sounds like a scorned hubby,packing no heat and whose wife strayed coz of it.

Like Foxy,me so confused but am done with Matt!

What’s the problem Matt?

Maybe Short can come in and tell us how the wedding went…and the tall chic?
good morning!