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Is that really a dealbreaker?

Sometimes it can be tough being friends with a guy. When they come to me and whine about their dating woes, I try to be understanding and supportive. When they are the one breaking hearts, I have to call them out.
That’s what friends are for, right?

My buddy Lance decided to end things with someone who seemed really promising. She was nice enough but apparently her bedroom skills were lacking. Instead of talking to her about it, he decided to break things off.

Obviously, he wasn’t into her as much as I thought. If you decided that bad sex is enough to send you packing, you probably weren’t that invested in the relationship.

Personally, I think bad sex is something that can be improved, but do you agree? Would do consider it a deal breaker?

I do love my friend Lance but I think perhaps this is maturity thing. Do you think we reach a certain age when we should wise up a little? What age do we drop our so called dating deal breakers?

By Wise Diva, Misadventures in Atlanta Dating Blog

376 comments Add your comment

Leggs

September 26th, 2011
10:04 am

@Matt ~ he already said she doesn’t masturbate. Sounds like she’s inexperienced and scared. Probably a little uptight.

(Music is playing on my laptop and I don’t know how to shut it off. Where the heck is it coming from? An invisible popup is hiding somewhere). This music is HORRIBLE. HELP!!!

Christopher

September 26th, 2011
10:05 am

@Celisea- I have been romantic, intimate, and have done just about everything I know how to do. All of her friends tell her how lucky she is to have a guy like me to do all these romantic, intimate things with her. I feel like nothing I do gets a response other than cuddling/massaging. I want that freak to come out just a little bit in her but when you don’t get any response it is hard. I totally understand that she will never be a porn star sex maniac. I have never had her once in 4 years tell me that she wanted sex.

@abc- I completely understand what you are saying. The divorce issue is something that I have been battling for a long time. Is it really fair to divorce someone because of this issue. Becoming disabled after being married or being disabled knowing it going into a marriage is one thing. Not knowing about something until after you are already married is a little different. I do have to think about my needs and how happy I will be with her for the rest of my life. She knows this is an issue that bothers me. I am not sure how to make it stop bothering me.

I guess the real issue is that she doesn’t do anything to help the situation along. If I knew she was putting forth a constant effort to help our sexual relationship than I would be a whole lot more understanding. By her not doing anything to fix the problem is where I have the problem. If I was disabled I would do everything I could to figure out how I could make things work sexually for us. I would go see doctors, therapists, take pills, read anything I could find online to help things along. I hope you can see where I am coming from this as I do agree and disagree with your point.

Button

September 26th, 2011
10:05 am

Sorry that should have been: bad se x or malfunctions

Skanky

September 26th, 2011
10:08 am

@Leggs We have a 3 bedroom house but, one bed. I am trying to help him find a bed now so I can get my freedom back. He doesn’t want to leave though…..

Matt

September 26th, 2011
10:08 am

Divorce can come on a lot of different grounds, what is important to one person may not be as important to the other. I wish my EX had divorced me instead of going the route she did, however I am still extatic that she is gone knowing what I know.

@slim
If the sex life has gotten stale, try hitting up a sex shop with your partner, you both can be honest there and don’t need to be ashamed, everyone in there is thinking the same thing anyhow.

Leggs

September 26th, 2011
10:11 am

@Christoper ~ “Not knowing about something until after you are already married is a little different.” To be honest, that’s a chance you take when you don’t sample before marriage. That was something you willingly signed up for. How you didn’t glean some of her sex issues during your 3 years of courtship is baffling to me. Didn’t you guys talk about sex? Did you not pay attention to her responses, if she frowned at certain things you brought up????

abc

September 26th, 2011
10:12 am

Seems to me a problem of communication. She’s not telling you what the issues really are, and she won’t go to counseling either, right? Figure out a way to open lines of communication. I doubt that ultimatums of divorce will work.

Reio

September 26th, 2011
10:15 am

Leggs – Press Ctrl/Alt/Delete simultaneously. Click on Task Manager. Click on Applications. You should see what’s running. Highlight what you don’t recognize or what you did not start yourself, then click ‘end application’, that should do it.

Christopher

September 26th, 2011
10:15 am

@Leggs- We did talk about it. She seemed willing, a little shy about it but I thought that it would change as time went on. We did sexual acts except actual sex before we got married. Those went decently well, some of those have seemed to get worse since marriage. I loved her and thought over time things would get better. I was wrong…

Leggs

September 26th, 2011
10:17 am

@Skanky ~ so you’re going to help him find a bed for one of the other bedrooms? I realize some ex’s do live together to help out financially, but is this cramping either of you dating others? Or is dating not part of either of your lives right now? For me, your story is just as interesting as Christopher’s.

SlimNu

September 26th, 2011
10:18 am

If the sex life has gotten stale, try hitting up a sex shop with your partner, you both can be honest there and don’t need to be ashamed, everyone in there is thinking the same thing anyhow

Matt – No complaints here…and believe me, I have no shame in going into an adult novelty store… ;-)

Leggs

September 26th, 2011
10:20 am

@Matt ~ now, I’m laughing at you. SllimNu wasn’t alluding to her sex life becoming stale. Her saying “yup, she’s scared” was a jokey joke between the two of them. She went back and bought the lube (LOLOLOL) and will surprise him with it along with the Altoid Mints she slipped in her purse. I’m really cracking up now….

Leggs

September 26th, 2011
10:24 am

LOL, I see your post now, SlimNu. Still laughing. You know me.

@Reio ~ thank you so much. Should have thought of that myself. It worked.

SlimNu

September 26th, 2011
10:25 am

oneofeach4me

September 26th, 2011
10:25 am

From Mr. Unknown : Here’s a question, When do you show that your a freak in bed? When do you unveil the inner freak in you?

I a 100% with Celesia on this. How can “bad” sex be a deal breaker when you are just “dating”? Dude… I do NOT pull the freaky card out in the first couple of months!! Funny, guys want freaky sex right away but cannot deal with a women “falling” so quickly for them. For a lot of women love, TRUST, loyalty and companionship = FREAKY DEAKY.

I will put it this way.. my sister pulled the freaky card out with a guy she was dating the second time they had sex together. The sex was great between them but the problem is… that is ALL that worked. Needless to say, after two months, it was over and done with. I will only pull out that freaky card for a very special guy that makes me feel extremely special. The biggest turn on for me though.. loyalty. I am a ride or die chick, I expect the same from the man I am with.

Say it with me fellas “love you like a brother, treat you like a friend, SPLIT YOU LIKE A LOVER, oh wo, oh wo, oh wo!”

Leggs

September 26th, 2011
10:25 am

Ummm, foreplay went “decently” well is a red flag (at least for me). Decently well doesn’t sound good.

kimmie

September 26th, 2011
10:27 am

Morning All!

On topic – I really don’t know what to say. You never “outgrow” deal breakers. One of my dealbreakers was a man that smokes and is physically and verbally abusive. That will never change, no matter how old I am. Physical intimacy is important to a relationship. Folks want to downplay it, but it’s not a big deal until it is. If one is willing to break it off with someone because it’s not going well, it must be REALLY bad. OR, Wises friend Lance could be coming up lacking. He lacks the skills to bring out the best of his lady! Maybe she senses that he is just not that into her and behaves accordingly. Either way, sounds like he’s doing her a favor by breaking up with her.

Button

September 26th, 2011
10:27 am

@ decent foreplay. Now mindblowing a better choice word

kimmie

September 26th, 2011
10:28 am

Leggs – The stinking issue can very much apply to dudes as well. Alot think their ish don’t stank, and it very well does, especially if they don’t practice good hygiene.

SlimNu

September 26th, 2011
10:29 am

I’m still laughing at you Leggs :lol:

oneofeach4me

September 26th, 2011
10:29 am

@Christopher ~ get into couples counseling. Here is why. She KNOWS you are more experienced in that arena than her and she is intimidated by it. She probably feels as though she isn’t or doesn’t do it right. Once she as a woman has the ability to open up and let her fears be heard she will begin to feel liberated. She probably thinks by warding off sex, she is avoiding hurting the relationship by doing it badly. She just doesn’t realize that this is a catch 22 and she is hurting by NOT opening up.

Celisea

September 26th, 2011
10:34 am

Christopher – I’m not going to knock you going along with abstinence until marriage. It’s honorable and the right thing to do :) Now, ask her….point blank “what’s the problem?” Ask her if it’s you, what about it she don’t like, specifically if it’s stroking or sticking or deep thrusts, if it’s too wet, if you’re too much or too little…I mean break it down and get rid of those inhibitions. Make her c@m without inserting. When you’re doing handplay, make her join in (place her hand with yours) with you. That will get rid of her not wanting to M for you. Not to get too personal but have you performed oral? If you haven’t mayne what are you waiting on??? Go down on her and do it too her several times. This is just me but don’t have her reciprocate early on. Get her to liking loving it first and once she becomes accustom and want want want that, then move in for reciprocating. Take baths together.

LeeH1

September 26th, 2011
10:35 am

Not enough infomration. Some women have sex with guys out of duty, and they can be very distant. Other women are mildly resistant while having sex, feeling forced or manipulated or ordered by the voices in their head. Some women are just cold. These women cannot be taught how to be giving and welcoming in bed.

Others suffer sometimes from a lack of technique, but it is fun to mutually teach each other what to do.

The trick is to know which one is which.

Skanky

September 26th, 2011
10:39 am

@Leggs I am looking on Craigslist as we speak to find him another mattress. He wants to marry me and live forever happily but, I do not feel the same way. This relationship has drained me to the point that I WANT to be single forever and I don’t care if I ever have sex again. I haven’t though about dating but, if it will make him leave my bed quicker I will hire an escort and bring him and maybe then he will get a clue. I hate to be a B but living with him is a nightmare!!! We are stuck in a lease but he could move if he wanted to because I will be more than happy to find a roommate. He just thinks I am going to change my mind and come back to him. It ain’t happening!!

Celisea

September 26th, 2011
10:40 am

Christopher – I say ask those questions because if it’s a prude she is then what most enjoy about sex, she won’t have an appreciation for. My biggest pet peeve is rolling over in wet but no wet wet no sex. So if it’s worth it to you to save what seems to be a pretty descent marriage you got to break it down brick by brick :) :)

Happy hunting my man.

Leggs

September 26th, 2011
10:40 am

@kimmie ~ yes ma’am dudes stink too. I once had to stop my particular activity and ask him to go and wash up again. Yep, sho did. No feelings hurt because stink is stank and I ain’t continuing….

@SlimNu ~ the visualization has me laughing. Both of you walk back to car, you immediately tell him you forgot something and run back in the store quickly buying the His/Her lube and noticing the Altoid Mints on the candy case and adding them to your purchase. You put them in your bag so he doesn’t see them, but goes back to the car with a target bag showing him the pair of panties you just purchased. Ok, I’ll sit in the corner just this once for a few seconds…one, two, three.

Ok, I’m back.

Skanky

September 26th, 2011
10:43 am

Laughing @Kimmie!!! You got that right!!! They stink so bad that their underware stand up on their own!

Exiled!

September 26th, 2011
10:44 am

Good morning!

@Christpher? U may have married somebody who likes the being married but doesn’t like the obligations of marriage.

Some females are like that.

If u luv her but don’t want to divorce her for that and after all else has probably failed,you are going to be inventive and find a solution outside of our advice here on the blog.
It’s between u and God.

Good luck.

SlimNu

September 26th, 2011
10:44 am

Leggs – Daaang, I knew I forgot something…Guess I’ll be making another trip to Target after work today to pick up some new undies. :lol: Let me know if I forgot anything else ;-)

Exiled!

September 26th, 2011
10:44 am

likes the idea of being married

Matt

September 26th, 2011
10:47 am

Marriage is hard work anyone that says otherwise is selling something

Leggs

September 26th, 2011
10:47 am

@Skanky ~ DAMN! When my divorce was final, my ex wouldn’t leave. I was in a miserable situation. My ex living down the hall from me. WTH!!! I thought a lot about the show SNAPPED. It was a recipe for disaster and I was on my P’s and Q’s ALL THE TIME. I wasn’t concerned about bringing a date home because that wasn’t going to happen. I had no intention of smelling dirt six feet under (well guess I really wouldn’t be smelling anything). Anyway, he eventually found his own apartment.

You are putting your life on hold because your ex is wanting to marry you and hoping you change your mind. Girl, please, get out of that situation. Don’t let that man bring you down. Hell, he should be looking for his own darn mattress. Wait, he already has one…yours! I kind of figured your story was the way you just laid it out.

Time for you to get back to YOU. It feels really, really, really GOOD! I wish you all the best.

Leggs

September 26th, 2011
10:50 am

Also, “obligations of marriage” doesn’t sound appealing either.

Ok, today we have “decent foreplay” and “obligations of marriage.”

Leggs

September 26th, 2011
10:54 am

@Skanky ~ during that time, I was on this blog leaving at the end of the day saying “Stay Alert and Stay Aware.” I was talking to everyone, but mostly talking to myself.

Reio

September 26th, 2011
10:55 am

Lot of new posters here today(Not that I’ve been on here a while myself.) Good to see. I don’t see this as a deal breaker. I suppose that, the younger one is, the more likely one is to view this as a deal breaker. An older person, usually, has been around, so they tend to understand that there is much more to a meaningful relationship than sex. Although it can be a big part. Younger folk tend to have it higher on the priority list. As far as hygiene goes, Had an experience with one years ago that was without a doubt, 100%, pure, pre-meditated, 1st degree, USDA Grade A, pasturized, homogenized, 1st class, In your face, yo mama STANK!! Did’nt say anything about it. First time, was last time. But I’ll never forget it. Almost unbelievable funk. Good gracious!

SexyCool

September 26th, 2011
10:57 am

Lance could be the problem.

SlimNu

September 26th, 2011
10:57 am

Reio -So if the funk was that bad, what did you do when you caught wind of it? Kept on plunging away, stopped and faked some emergency so you could leave or what?

Purp

September 26th, 2011
10:58 am

Bad sex, what is that? If there is a speed bump take the time and smooth it out. If you are having bad sex that means you are not that good yourself and have no influence over your sexual partner. Stiil no reason to leave someone you love.

i'm swiss™

September 26th, 2011
10:58 am

Morning, everybody.

Where to begin…? Christopher — I feel for you, dude, but as far as divorce is concerned, I have to agree with abc on this one. You made a commitment — for better or for worse, etc. — and “because she’s bad in bed” seems a pretty weak excuse to renege on that promise. But hey, that’s just my opinion. It’s a tough situation & I hope it gets better for you.

Now, I do want to address the accolades some are throwing your way for waiting until marriage. “Commendable?” “The right thing to do?” Um… why, exactly?

I think the term I would use is “naive” — and I think, in hindsight, you’d probably agree. If you commit the rest of your life to a person you’ve never had sex with, you shouldn’t be surprised when the sex isn’t good. I’m not saying folks should be jumping in bed with everybody they go on a date with, but if you’re at the point where you’re considering a lifetime commitment, and you know that a good sex life is important to you, it seems pretty reckless to go through with that kind of commitment without knowing what you’re working with.

Skanky

September 26th, 2011
11:00 am

@LEGGS Oh you hit this on the head!! I was watching Snapped last night and the ex was lying beside me making crazy comments and getting on my nerves. It made me realize why some women snap! He must have seen my look because all of sudden he got quiet. Then he asked me if I ever thought about hurting him like the ladies on SNAPPED. I told him I have my moments. I didn’t hear a peep out of him for the rest of the night. I am just over the whole situation. He is a clinger… and a mama’s boy. I don’t know if I am ever going to escape him. I am not trying to make escuses for him either. He is just lazy and sorry. Can’t do anything for himself. I feel stupid for wasting my time on him….

Kellibean

September 26th, 2011
11:02 am

Bad sex can absolutely be a deal breaker. I would probably give it a couple of tries before calling it quits, though. It can take a couple of times before you get in sync with each other. A woman may be a little more reserved the first time. I’m not, but I can see how a woman could be.

Sex may not be the most important thing in a relationship, but it is a big component in whether you are compatible or not. My current SO and I have great sex, when we have it. He’s a bit older than me and I’m just starting my peak. We’ve been together almost two years so it’s not so easy to just walk away. I’ve expressed my concerns and if things don’t start happening a little more often, then I’m gonna have to cut my losses…

Reio

September 26th, 2011
11:05 am

SlimNu – I finished. Even Hung in til she finished as well. Just never went back. Was’nt bad though. Cute as she could be. But it was cold blooded, everybody’s gonna die, the end is near, book of revelation STANK! Wow.

SexyCool

September 26th, 2011
11:06 am

“the ex was lying beside me”

What’s wrong with this statement?

SlimNu

September 26th, 2011
11:06 am

Speaking of funk…a friend of mine and myself used to call this one dude Stank Balls. We never knew if his balls actually smelled bad but he just looked like he had smelly balls. I know this is wrong but we were young, dumb and full of senseless thoughts lol

O/T: So i’m out with some friends for a birthday celebration at a local club. I’m standing there getting my sippy sip on and dancing where I stood. You know how crowded spots can get so it’s no thing for a person to have to make bodily contact with you while trying to maneuver through the sea of people. Anyway, I notice this one guy sort of closely behind me but I chuck it up as the normal deal…so as I continued to dance where I stood, I began to feel something on my rear. I’m like, I know this dude is not trying to lean into me just to rub his wang on me. So I slowly move over slightly not to be in front of him. Time goes on and I feel it again. I turn around and he’s looking straight ahead as if nothing is going on. I move again….again I feel it but it feels like it’s OUT. So I just move over by the bar completely away from him. Fast forward to my friend is now standing and dancing. Her is buddy behind her. She turns rapidly towards me with a confused look on her face. I said, “did you just feel like buddy just rubbed his weiner on your butt?” She was like, yeah and it felt like his pe nis was OUT! :shock:

Come on dudes….is it that bad where you have to wait to get to a club for cheap thrills?!!!

Leggs

September 26th, 2011
11:09 am

Hey there, Kellibean! How have you been.

@Reio ~ even with all that, you still wanted to bust a nut. WOW (lol). Gotta get the puddy, gotta get the puddy. I may faint in the process, but I’m going in! Sheesh (lol)….

Leggs

September 26th, 2011
11:10 am

0h snap, the music is back and louder. WTH is going on and why ME!!!!

i'm swiss™

September 26th, 2011
11:10 am

“So if the funk was that bad, what did you do when you caught wind of it? Kept on plunging away, stopped and faked some emergency so you could leave or what?”

Slim — That’s when you pull a NY Giants move & fake a pulled hammy. :lol:

Celisea

September 26th, 2011
11:10 am

“Commendable?” “The right thing to do?” Um… why, exactly?

C’mon Swiss – Not some but me…I said it :)

Frankly you don’t believe in the big dude, big Kahuna that said it so no point in me explaining my stance…right?

Leggs

September 26th, 2011
11:11 am

@SexyC ~ I read that sentence twice. I would not want my ex lying beside me while watching SNAPPED or anything else for that matter.

Gracie L

September 26th, 2011
11:11 am

If passionate, highly-sparked intimacy is an important component of the bonding process for you, then yes, it’s a deal breaker!! There are some things you can’t teach, and the kind of hunger that some have to devour and please in the bedroom is one of them.