Is that really a dealbreaker?
Sometimes it can be tough being friends with a guy. When they come to me and whine about their dating woes, I try to be understanding and supportive. When they are the one breaking hearts, I have to call them out.
That’s what friends are for, right?
My buddy Lance decided to end things with someone who seemed really promising. She was nice enough but apparently her bedroom skills were lacking. Instead of talking to her about it, he decided to break things off.
Obviously, he wasn’t into her as much as I thought. If you decided that bad sex is enough to send you packing, you probably weren’t that invested in the relationship.
Personally, I think bad sex is something that can be improved, but do you agree? Would do consider it a deal breaker?
I do love my friend Lance but I think perhaps this is maturity thing. Do you think we reach a certain age when we should wise up a little? What age do we drop our so called dating deal breakers?
By Wise Diva, Misadventures in Atlanta Dating Blog
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376 comments Add your comment
tell me how you really feel
September 26th, 2011
8:44 am
fat sores while performing oral? did you need to share that? thanks for really making our morning so pleasant
Mike
September 26th, 2011
8:46 am
Unfortunately, there are women in this world that just aren’t experienced at doing certain things in the bedroom. They’ve only had sex in the most basic of ways and have NEVER pleasured their mate in other ways. It’s difficult to get them to try something never done, and continuing to ask and getting turned down only goes so far.
George Orwell
September 26th, 2011
8:46 am
As a man who has been enjoying the joy’s of sex for over forty years, it is really quit simple. If there is a BO problem, simple start your foreplay in the bathroom with some candles and some good music in the background to begin to set the mood. You bathing her and she bathing you.You see some women just take longer to build their sexual desire. As a man, that is your responsibility to make things happen a certain way. Taking your time to build things to giant climax is half the fun.
Leggs
September 26th, 2011
8:48 am
Good morning. Wow, where all you newbies come from (lol)….Welcome, glad to hear from all of you.
Is bad sex a deal breaker. Ummmm, not necessarily. If you’re willing to converse with them about their lack of skill and also willing to teach, the relationship may be salvaged. If the person gets the stinky face because you’re telling them their skills need improvement, THEN it’s time to end the already doomed relationship (lol).
I’m with the person that said a bad kisser can be a deal breaker. I love to kiss so, that’s a must.
Dang, it’s 8:47 and almost 2 pages. WOW.
Leggs
September 26th, 2011
8:48 am
Ok, 2 pages already.
Kat
September 26th, 2011
8:49 am
shaboo – How can you go 21 years without telling him he is a bad kisser? It’s kind of like faking an orgasm and then wondering why the guy is never able to satisfy you after that – because he thinks he knows what to do.
A Realist
September 26th, 2011
8:50 am
Bad sex is not always a dealbreaker. Some people are willing to learn. It’s the people that have no interest in learning that get the boot. There are too many women (and men) who will receive all the oral attention, then refuse to reciprocate. “I don’t do that”, or “I’m saving it for something special”. A person who rations out affection or uses it like leverage gets the boot instantly.
I do think you should have the tough conversations and give them a chance to improve first, but horses and water…..
Kat
September 26th, 2011
8:52 am
I agree with (poster) George Orwell – get the woman in the bath and tell her how much of a turn-on it is that you do that together (prepare for many baths). Or, tell her that you want to make sure you are always ready for her by prepping as needed.
Leggs
September 26th, 2011
8:54 am
@Matt ~ she stopped taking care of herself in the nether regions????? Who the hell does that? More importantly, why would you do that????
Skanky
September 26th, 2011
8:55 am
Women are NOT the only people to get fat… Men get fat too! It sucks to have to hold up a extra layer of stomach or have their big belly resting on your back…..
Matt
September 26th, 2011
8:55 am
Kat
I have run into the situation many time that, you have to strike when the iron is hot, telling a girl that she needs to bath before you get dirty again, is generally an insult and a turn off, how would a man tell a woman that she has to get clean before we start getting dirty?
Matt
September 26th, 2011
8:57 am
@Leggs
Yes, it got to the point that sex was about once a month after speaking with her about it numerous time. Wasn’t like that in the beginning, after years of marriage things changed and her hygiene went to hell.
Harder...please.
September 26th, 2011
8:57 am
It seems to me that the common denominator in bad relationships is lack of communication.
Matt
September 26th, 2011
8:59 am
@Leggs
Strangely though, she was always clean shaven, but the smell was really over powering and I could never get mine or stay arroused because of it, I was very unhappy, and I am glad I am divorced now.
Leggs
September 26th, 2011
9:05 am
@Matt ~ for the life of me, I cannot understand a woman not taking care of herself. If I have to take a quick “bird bath” I will, but you best believe the cootie will be washed daily (if necessarily more than once a day).
@Skanky ~ nothing like maneuvering around a big belly. Having sex sideways can be fun, but not being able to be on top ever can be a downer.
@Matt ~ if a man has to tell a woman she needs to bathe, then she needs to be alone. No one should have to tell a grown woman this. A teenager maybe, but a grown woman. That’s just nasty!!
Matt
September 26th, 2011
9:08 am
@Leggs
BTW very obvious hints didn’t work, I tried to salvage it, sex in the shower was more common then, doing P90X 6 days a week, and taking a shower directly afterwards didn’t work, buying her perfume, and saying I like a girl that smells good didn’t work, I really tried!!!
Leggs
September 26th, 2011
9:09 am
I know I shouldn’t be laughing so early in the morning, and although this was a “slur” I still laughed.
Whoever said the food most likely to help reduce your amount of sex is a wedding cake should be sent to the corner (lololol).
Leggs
September 26th, 2011
9:11 am
WOW, Matt!
Montana
September 26th, 2011
9:12 am
I hate quick triggers!
Christopher
September 26th, 2011
9:12 am
This topic is something I have been dealing with for a long time. I have been married to my wife for four years. We have been together for seven years. We didn’t have sex until marriage upon her request. Over the past four years our sex life has been awful. Sex at first hurt for her. That problem went away after a year or so. Now there is still some pain but she gets zero pleasure from anything I do to her. She lays there lifeless and does zero to participate during sex.
I love her so much but this is killing me. Everything else in our relationship is great except for this. I have talked with her to see what I/we can do to help the situation. She doesn’t seem like she wants to help the situation. I have talked with her about divorce. She gets upset about it but she still doesn’t do anything to aid the situation. I don’t want to divorce but I am afraid I might have to as I am miserable. I don’t think I am being unreasonable as I have tried so many things (except therapy, she refuses) to help the situation along.
Any thoughts or suggestions?
Montana
September 26th, 2011
9:14 am
Enter your comments here
SlimNu
September 26th, 2011
9:15 am
Um…wooooow. Good to see some new faces but it take me a little off guard…Now let me try to catch up since we’re already at page 2 and it’s only 9:15
Dr Ruth's Sexy Twin
September 26th, 2011
9:17 am
@Christopher-Get that arse prego all the pain will pale in comparison to pushing out a baby.
Leggs
September 26th, 2011
9:21 am
@Christopher ~ I am so sorry to read that post. You dated her 3 years before marrying her and never had sex. That’s commendable. I’m going to “assume” she was a virgin when you married. Clearly, there is something wrong with you mentally and emotionally. She’s been scarred somewhere in her life and should seek therapy. If she keeps refusing, then to me she’s saying her marriage isn’t worth saving. There has to be something going on for any woman to simply lay in bed lifeless during sex. I urge you to continue to speak with her and ask what happened in her childhood to have her so against sex? Have you asked her that?
Leggs
September 26th, 2011
9:23 am
@SlimNu ~ weird, isn’t it. Took me aback too. Thought I was on the wrong page.
SlimNu
September 26th, 2011
9:24 am
Matt – She may have had a chemical imbalance or either a bacterial infection.
I would not automatically ax a dude who didn’t perform like Dirk Diggler off top. Sometimes it’s just a matter of comfort and getting to know what the other person likes. Sex is not a ONE-SIZE-FITS ALL type deal. What works on one person may not work on someone else.
Leggs
September 26th, 2011
9:26 am
Sorry, Christopher. Meant to say “clearly there is something wrong with HER…not you.
@ Christopher
September 26th, 2011
9:26 am
Here are a few suggestions: use a vibrator, use some oil, use some lube, massage her for a long time before you try to slip the willy in, try dining at the Y, watch porn with her, get her drunk, try the “shocker” (if it doesn’t work, it will still be funny to watch her reaction).
Christopher
September 26th, 2011
9:27 am
@Dr Ruth’s Sexy Twin- She doesn’t want children. She wants to adopt instead going through all the pain of having a kid. We married at 21 and 22. I thought she would change her mind on kids after a few years.
Matt
September 26th, 2011
9:27 am
@Christopher lmao 2 in the coot one in the boot.
@ Matt
September 26th, 2011
9:29 am
…or two in the goo, one in the poo.
abc
September 26th, 2011
9:30 am
You have a friend named ‘Lance’ (really?!) who dumped a girl because ‘her bedroom skills were lacking’ (what?!) and then he ‘whines’ to you about it? Is this a joke or something? I could make up a punchline. Let’s have a punchline contest.
@ Matt
September 26th, 2011
9:30 am
or two in the pink, one in the stink.
Skanky
September 26th, 2011
9:31 am
@Leggs you are so funny!!! Keep the cootie clean… LOLOL I have an ex boyfriend like that. We still live together and have to share a bed and he is as stanky as they come. He says he showers but I don’t know what he does in the shower…. I just can’t imagine how long I had to put my face down there… not anymore!!! @Christopher I feel your pain…. It’s better to divorce and move on.. especially since she doesn’t want to help herself. You are a very patient man….
Christopher
September 26th, 2011
9:32 am
@Leggs- She was a virgin when we got married. I wasn’t. I have tried to talk to her about her past to come up with something. Sex was never a discussed topic in her family growing up. That is the only thing I have been able to come up with. It is good to know that I am not crazy for wanting to leave her because of the bad sex.
She refuses to use a vibrator or masturabte at all. We use the lube, it helps but not on the pleasure side of things for her. Refuses to watch porn. Alcohol sometimes helps.
Thanks everyone for the suggestions.
OMC
September 26th, 2011
9:33 am
Good to great sex makes many of the little things in a relationship seem not so bad. Bad sex makes the same intolerable.
Matt
September 26th, 2011
9:38 am
@Christopher
Ok, I am going to get a little graphic here, so forgive me, go down on her and use the come here motion with 2 fingers, toward the front of the pelvis, put your hand on top of that and you should be able to feel your fingers through the skin, if that gets no reaction after a while of going down on her at the same time, then I don’t know, gotta find a way to make her squirm.
Atltwen
September 26th, 2011
9:38 am
Quick story:
I once, unknowingly, dated a then former “dancer.”
It didn’t take us long progress our relationship to the physically intimate level. MAN, she was doing all types of flip-flop-transforming-tricks in the bed. I was visually amazed and physically over-simulated; and thought to myself — JACKPOT!!!
One morning after spending the night. She calmly told me was terrible in bed. Oh, I was CRUSHED! And so EMBARRASSED!
I told her, what did you expect? I was effectively a virgin because I hadn’t engaged in sexually in over 5 years and had only one previous partner for a short period of time to speak of.
She gave me assignment; told me go home and study some flicks (what girlfriend does that) and seek advise from some of my more experienced friends.
Putting my pride and ego aside, I did. And commenced to put it on dat #*% the next time!!! …Or so I thought, hell, I’m still uncertain to this day — that was almost 7 years ago.
I know its every man’s dream to date a dancer, but they are seemingly always one step ahead of you (not a good feeling, at least for me it wasn’t).
The crazy thing about was…..I MET HER AT CHURCH!!!!!!!!!!
Celisea
September 26th, 2011
9:43 am
Good Lawd what’s really going on this morning. Dumping folks over sex? Really? Okay moving on to Christopher’s issues….
Christopher – I’m not a prude but I’m not over the top about sex. Yes, I said that…not over the top about the act of sex. Don’t get me wrong, I love sex, the feeling, the sensation but more than anything I love it when I love the person I’m having sex with. The point I’m making is that your wife sounds like a good girl……I know, was born and bred. Contrary to the mockery made about good girls/church women everybody raised as such don’t default to b@tchdom and wh@oredom on contact with a man. Not even to the liberality of sex….it takes a special dude to make me want to go there and keep me coming back for more. I had a good teacher that showed me how to break through inhibitions. But even still it’s not something I display or even want to display for any old Joe Smoe. Only a special dude makes me want to turn it aloose. With that being said, I’d venture to say half your battle is won because you are married and love one another. The next thing I’d say is she just needs a bit of help overcoming the prude in her…lol Been there don’t that as well. You gotta knock it out of the box and put it on her like no other. Loving her and being loving towards her coupled with intimacy she can’t explains that leaves her speechless will have her burning you out..lol She’ll change her tune and how she feels about sex. There’s a freak underlying in EVERY WOMAN. Some of us weren’t raised to put it out there. You need to go no holds barred with her, trust me you can bring it out.
Bill Clinton
September 26th, 2011
9:45 am
Matt is a wise man. He knows what he’s talking about. Hillary and Michelle O love it when I do that trick.
abc
September 26th, 2011
9:47 am
Even if the sex scene stays the same, Christopher, you’re dead wrong if you divorce her over it. What if you became disabled somehow and couldn’t have sex? Would you expect your wife to leave you over that? She has such a disability: she can’t enjoy sex. With you. Maybe with anyone. It’s a problem, but not one that warrants divorce.
Matt
September 26th, 2011
9:50 am
@Bill
Thanks dude lol
Leggs
September 26th, 2011
9:52 am
@Christoper ~ I have a cousin who was pained when having sex. Her cervix didn’t properly develop while growing up. Perhaps something along those lines can be your wife’s problem as well.
Or, she may simply be one of many women walking this Earth that really do not care for sex. In that the thought of the pain hinders them in enjoying the true joy sex can bring. The fact that she doesn’t want to have children to avoid the pain also states that she has no tolerance for pain. Why she get married is beyond me cuz there’s pain in marriage….I kid, I kid. Seriously, if you love her as much as you say you do, talk her into going to therapy.
On a lighter note, have you tried that new KY Jelly I’ve seen on tv where the sensation is explosive? Sounds like it might help.
Leggs
September 26th, 2011
9:55 am
@Skanky ~ your post almost got passed me. You have an “ex boyfriend” who you still live with and sleep in the same bed with. What, you guys live in a one bedroom apartment?
SlimNu
September 26th, 2011
9:56 am
Leggs – The beau and I were in Target yesterday and I stopped and read the box for the new His & Her lube. I didn’t buy it though…he was like, why didn’t you get it, you scared? I was like yup
Single in the City
September 26th, 2011
9:58 am
at the end of the day, it’s not our place to judge what is an acceptable grounds for divorce – if Christopher wants to leave his wife because she is not making ANY effort to please him sexually, then he is well within his right to do so. I would never buy the whole cake without tasting a piece first!!
Matt
September 26th, 2011
9:59 am
@Christopher
Maybe the most obvious answer to this is to explore her fantasies, women from what I have observed want certain things and want men to remember those things even when they think you are not paying attention, surprises are good, not saying you should stick it in the wrong hole, that may be a bad surprise especially if they don’t know its coming. Ask her what she is looking for and if she masterbates, what does she masterbate to.
Leggs
September 26th, 2011
10:00 am
abc
September 26th, 2011
10:03 am
I disagree. It ain’t my business, and thank God for that, but divorce on those grounds is a shallow approach to marriage that illustrates a lack of real understanding as to what it really is. Or, what it really should be.
Button
September 26th, 2011
10:04 am
Good morning! how will a partner know what turns you on if you don’t tell? With se x you have to tell your partner which position and move ignits your fire, makes you moan in ecstacy. That’s what I do. He/she have no idea of what to do UNLES you say so. If not, then you will have a case of bad se x.
A woman who experience dryness or need vag reguvination (kegal) or a guy who experinces ED could prove bad se x but is that bad se x of malfunctions? and those things can be remedied.