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First date? Watch the hands!

If I were to list one of my all-time worst first dates, I would have to put my date with Mr. Octopus at the top. It’s bad enough when someone is not picking up on the lack of chemistry, but when you add inappropriate body groping? You are reaching creepy status, thereby reducing your chances of another date.

My guy friends teased me about this because they think if I thought the guy was hot, I wouldn’t mind being groped! Apparently, women only object because they aren’t really attracted in the first place.

I can’t say with certainty if that is true or not. I just know that if someone is giving you the “Why are you caressing my thigh?” face and you continue – in an attempt to be seductive, it’s a turnoff. Also, don’t be surprised when you meet my taser gun.

Everyone has different comfort levels, though. When do you feel comfortable “touching” your date? When does it become too much?

How do you signal that you are open – or not open- to the public displays of affection, or other physical contact?

Guys, if a woman complained or asked you to watch your hands, would you think she was an ice queen?

Shouldn’t you be able to tell or read the signs when someone is not feeling you..feeling them?

Have you ever been on a date and they could not keep their hands off you -in a bad way? How did you handle it?

Happy Friday!

By Wise Diva, Misadventures in Atlanta Dating Blog

184 comments Add your comment

hardmanb

September 23rd, 2011
6:41 am

“Guys, if a woman complained or asked you to watch your hands, would you think she was an ice queen?”

No…I’d just think she had respect for herself.

joe

September 23rd, 2011
6:43 am

This one’s pretty simple: it’s called respect. No one should be groping or feeling up on a first date. Period. You haven’t earned that right yet.

Matt

September 23rd, 2011
7:12 am

This is actually a hard one to talk about, in the days where one night stands are common and sex on the first date seems to be a norm, trying to figure out what is expected of each new girl can be a challenge. Too litte, or too much will surely prevent a date from happening again. I miss the old courting days where things were a bit simpler. Each girl is different and will take to affection of any kind in a different way, which coming from a guy is really a pain in the azz. A guy’s mind is very simple A+B=C, I do this I get this result. Bring back the days of simple!!!!

ron

September 23rd, 2011
7:32 am

You knew from the beginning that you were not attracted to the person initially or that you did not have any vibes,so why accept the date costing that person the expense of having to pay for the meal and other expenses, incurring the cost of getting prepared for the date. Just be honest and say there is no attraction or there is no chemistry and move on.Women just be honest and lay-out the ground rules of no touching,no sex,no kissing until you feel comfortable.If nothing happens after a while persons are intelligent enough to move on.Just make sure the person has character and a sense of intelligence before accepting a date,that involves doing your homework by becoming involved in conversations getting to know a little bit about the person first,this involves both gender.

thewindwhistler

September 23rd, 2011
7:34 am

the big men on campus[school] get the girls. these are football players. they do not pursue, the girls do. if she is pretty enough he gives her a chance to date him. If she comes across as a little cool and is concerned aboutr his hands, she is out of the picture. That is the real world., if he even remembers her name she will be grateful, need i say more?

Matt

September 23rd, 2011
7:42 am

@wind
Are you Charlie Sheen? A rock star on mars, because you obviously don’t live in the real world and for most of us, we are no longer in school. In the real world a man has got to be the one to approach the girl and go after her, a lot of things have changed, but generally speaking if a guy just waits for the girl to come after him and he never makes the attempt to ever kiss her and waits for her to kiss him, it would be the end of the human race!!!

Sharecropper

September 23rd, 2011
7:55 am

Ah, should one infer that there is appropriate body groping?

Lady Strange

September 23rd, 2011
8:09 am

I personally am not keen on being touched by strangers, so it takes me a while to get comfortable with someone. That being said, there should be no groping on the first date, none. Maybe a hug after the date is over, if the woman is comfortable with it. Guys, that means ask first! Groping is never acceptable on a first date.

Jeff

September 23rd, 2011
8:14 am

I find it extremely funny that this week the topics have been men that a high maintenance and watch your hands. As if I’m supposed to lay awake at night worrying about women as a collective are going to approve of what I’m doing. In the mean time, this same group of women want the right to get their freak on with one night stands, a booty call, a purely-physical relationship when they so choose and without judgement from me.

I think I see the problem in relationships.

I'm too Sexy For My Shirt....too sexxxy!

September 23rd, 2011
8:18 am

If you looked like me people would want to touch you too. Now sing…I’m too sexxxy for my shirt, to sexy.

Sweet Pea

September 23rd, 2011
8:26 am

Good Morning,

Being touchy feely on a first date will get you quickly dismissed as it wouldn’t matter whether I’m attracted to you or not! I feel that it is inappropriate and shows you have no respect or self-control. Everyone should keep their hands to themselves on first dates in my opinion unless you’re just wanting a quicky, and of course there has to be a mutual agreement with that!!

Ezra

September 23rd, 2011
8:30 am

Offer them money, it should work.

Leggs

September 23rd, 2011
8:45 am

Good morning.

I wouldn’t care if the guy was handsome or not, there will be no touching/groping on the first date. For one, it’s disrespectful. Two, it tells me you’re not interested in getting to know me in the slightest, but moreso my body.

@windwhistler ~ it’s called “BMOC” (Big Man on Campus). The acronym became popular when Gary Coleman coined that phrase on “Different Strokes” decades ago.

Matt

September 23rd, 2011
8:52 am

@Jeff
Amen Brother
Ok, I have tried many different things with all types of girls, good, bad, normal, and I have learned one unmistakable fact, men think that women are absolutely crazy, mostly because of double standards from what I have seen, and women think that men are idiots, mostly because we can’t read minds, body language, hints that other women think are obvious, but men don’t really pay that much attention to. If a guy asks to kiss a girl, then he is considered weak and not dominant enough, if he goes for it to early or too late then he is either sex crazed or not sex crazed enough. Come on ladies, you gotta give us a little more help than that.

Leggs

September 23rd, 2011
8:54 am

Well he didn’t necessarily “coin” the phrase himself.

Leggs

September 23rd, 2011
8:57 am

“If a guy asks to kiss a girl, then he is considered weak and not dominant enough” – Neither one has ever crossed my mind. Wow, is that really the thought, if a guys asks to kiss a girl he’s considered weak. That’s new to me.

“if he goes for it to early or too late then he is either sex crazed or not sex crazed enough.” – It is never too late to go for a kiss, unless you guys have stopped dating.

Matt

September 23rd, 2011
9:05 am

@Leggs
I have gone into great discussion about this with many women, women generally speaking not saying all want a take charge guy, that doesn’t ask for permission, but knows somehow what is ok and what isn’t. From my observation women want a guy that is the “alpha” but treats them right and doesn’t go behind their back. This in it’s own nature is a flaw, the “alpha” will most of the time act like an “alpha” and go out with as many girls as possible and go behind their backs. That is what “alpha male” means. Why would someone expect a guy like that to change the way he thinks and what has worked for him his entire life, which also explains the why so many girls get cheated on by the same guys over and over and over again.

Button

September 23rd, 2011
9:12 am

GM,absolutely no groping on the first date…tsk tsk

Now if we’re enjoying each other’s company and as the date goes on and IF I’m feeling him, then I’m going to feel on him in a subtle way, nothin heavy, just a little touch on his arm while we’re talking.

Lady Strange

September 23rd, 2011
9:13 am

I agree with you Leggs, I would not consider a man who asked to kiss a girl as being weak. I would think it was quite sweet for him to ask.

While it’s never too late for a kiss, you can be too early. Kisses don’t go with first dates. Maybe a second date, but that’s going to depend on the woman and how good the chemistry is.

@Matt – I don’t think we want the “alpha” male. I think most women want a man who will respect us and treat us with kindness. Those things don’t require an “alpha” male.

Leggs

September 23rd, 2011
9:19 am

the “alpha” will most of the time act like an “alpha” and go out with as many girls as possible and go behind their backs. That is what “alpha male” means. I never looked at it this way and probably never will. In my mind, the “alpha” male is one of strength, protection, security, dominance. Not necessarirly dominating multiple women at one time, but the “head” in the relationship he’s cultivating. Sure, he can use his prowess while dating, but a true “alpha” will not sneek behind backs. If you’re dating others, then speak on it. But to go behind one’s back will get the title “dog” attached to “alpha!”

An “alpha male” is another species, one that is admirable.

“..women generally speaking not saying all want a take charge guy… but knows somehow what is ok and what isn’t.” That’s exactly what women want. Everyone should know right from wrong, esp. in dating.

Matt

September 23rd, 2011
9:24 am

@Lady Strange
I love that there are still women out there that want to be treated right. And when I mention double standards 2 guys can do exactly the same thing with exactly the same girl, in exactly the same manner, yet one will be looked at like a jerk and the other will be looked at as sweet and kind. I try to be a good guy and get to know girls before I even attempt to date them to avoid that simple problem. If I see a girl go to a guy that continues to cheat on her and she continues to take him back, she’s out. If I see a girl that looks at making out, like she does hand shakes, she’s out, if I see her be ungrateful for a guy that is honest a god putting his best effort in, being respectable and a gentleman, she’s out. These are characteristic that I run into more often than not, and they are not worth my time. I really wish that the “good girl” like you hear about and see on tv and books is out there, but I am beginning to lose faith in the “good girl” mythe.

Into the Light

September 23rd, 2011
9:24 am

Good morning, all!

@Matt: You might be overthinking things a bit. Maybe just relax, enjoy your dates, and let things take their natural course. When you’re more relaxed and at ease, it’s easier to pick up on body language and signals. As a woman, i do like a take-charge man, but I don’t want a cave man. I can’t speak for all women and say that they act the same, but in general, I find subtle ways to let my date know if I’m open to a good night kiss or hug. You know what, though? If he didn’t pick up on them and asked me if it were okay to give me a kiss or a hug, I would see that as being respectful, not weak.

Matt

September 23rd, 2011
9:30 am

@light
It’s very possible that I over think things
@leggs
I think you are very naive when it comes to guys. Most guys I know that are dominant, even the married ones, aren’t the guys you are referring to. The ones you are talking about are a very rare breed.

OUCH ! i bumped my head

September 23rd, 2011
9:32 am

Now days women play grab azz just as much if not more then men Just Sayin.

Into the Light

September 23rd, 2011
9:34 am

@Matt: That’s not necessarily a bad thing…I admire an analytical nature (since I resemble that remark) LOL. But sometimes, you just have to exhale and let things be what they are. :)

Morning, Leggs!!!

Leggs

September 23rd, 2011
9:37 am

Listening to Marvin Gaye’s “Come Get to This.” Memories, memories of house parties in the basement…good times!

Leggs

September 23rd, 2011
9:40 am

@Matt ~ I’m cool with you thinking I’m naive. And, they may be a rare breed, but I will find mine! Just like I’m a rare breed! Please believe.

Leggs

September 23rd, 2011
9:42 am

Morning, ITL!

Matt

September 23rd, 2011
9:51 am

The “good girl” is a rare breed as well, I really do hope there are still women out there that appreciate the little things. I can be the “head” of the relationship, but I am no “alpha” I am just a normal guy that wants to have some good times throw down a few drinks every once in a while and live and let live, I hate drama though, and avoid it like the plague.

Leggs

September 23rd, 2011
9:54 am

That’s what most of us want as well. I appreciate those little things more than I do the big things (always have). Those little things have a much bigger voice and impact!!!

Exiled!

September 23rd, 2011
10:02 am

@fellas!

U don’t ask a lady if u can kiss her or not. If u have any eye for romance at all,u are going to feel it. It doesn’t matter it’s a first date or what. She will glide closer,touch u herself,have this spark in her eye and smile and she will want to be real close to u when u two are standing up. When u look at her,she gives u the ‘comeon’ by way of her eyes. U feel it and u Grab It,go for the kill!

Yes,yu can smash on a first date as well as long as u know how to read and follow thru!

@Lady Strange? Who asks first before kissing a woman,that’s lame?
good morning!

Matt

September 23rd, 2011
10:02 am

Being a guy and trying to win the attention of a girl is far harder than women think, and most women can’t appreciate the effort that it takes to walk up to a girl and ask her out. Women more often than not are the rejectors, as opposed to the rejectees. So next time a guy comes up to one of you think for a minute aobut what it takes to get the nerve to do that over and over and over again. If you are not into him, let him know, but don’t be horrible about it. Then again it does mean that the situation has a lot to do with it.

i'm swiss™

September 23rd, 2011
10:03 am

Morning, blogville.

Man, whatever happened to that troll from a while back (I can’t even remember the moniker)…? This would be a perfect topic for him (or her?):

“If she doesn’t like you groping her thigh, put it in her butt.” :lol:

Matt

September 23rd, 2011
10:05 am

@Exiled
That is what I have been saying!!! However the girl needs to give some pretty obvious hints, most guys are clueless about the certain looks a girl gives.

Matt

September 23rd, 2011
10:06 am

Wow SWISS!!! That came outta no where

Into the Light

September 23rd, 2011
10:06 am

most guys are clueless about the certain looks a girl gives

I have not found this to be the case….

i'm swiss™

September 23rd, 2011
10:08 am

Matt — That was a quote. A while back there was somebody who would post some variation of that theme every day, no matter the topic.

Leggs

September 23rd, 2011
10:10 am

@Matt ~ I’m going to be honest here. I am the type that truly understands that it takes a lot for some guys to walk up to a woman and ask her to dance or even out for a date. I never shoot him down for asking. I even dance with him when I don’t feel like dancing. He asked so nothing wrong with saying yes. It’s a dance. Thank him for the dance then go back and sit down. In some instances, it’s ok to say yes when you want to say no…more should try it.

And, no, I don’t say yes to every guy who asks. Heck, I’ve gone and asked a few guys to dance and would be turned down. I remember 4 guys one night to dance and they all said no. Each time I walked away laughing. Didnt discourage me in the slightest way.

Celisea

September 23rd, 2011
10:10 am

Matt – Imma have to disagree somewhat with you. Trying to determine whether or not groping, kissing and touching is okay on the first date SHOULD be a hard read. You’re a stranger to her and she’s a stranger to you and it’s not appropriate. After getting to know your SO should be relatively easy knowing when there’s an opening or if she’s cool with you taking one. I believe in give and take from both but danggonit I don’t want to say EVERY TIME, it’s okay to touch me here, it’s okay to kiss me there. I’m not giving no signs on the first date….YOU’RE A STRANGER…lol

Matt

September 23rd, 2011
10:10 am

Jeff

September 23rd, 2011
10:11 am

Let me let you women in on a little secret:

The day they taught mind reading class, men skipped school and went to the beach drinking and picking up chics in bikinis. I can’t read your mind, and am not going to try because you can’t make up your mind to begin with.

When you can make up your mind and stick to it longer than the next Oprah recommendation, lifetime movie, or sex and the city episode, let me know.

Exiled!

September 23rd, 2011
10:11 am

and the ’sweet guys’ end up in the lame or friend zone a lot of times!

The guys who take risks or go for broke are the ones who scoop the cherry!

Dating is much like Investing and wealth creation.

U wanna get rich,take some calculated risk.

Asking to kiss is not taking risk!

It’s Jellyback-ing! :lol:

5Jay

September 23rd, 2011
10:11 am

@I’m too Sexy For My Shirt….too sexxxy!

I can’t get that stupid song outta my head,if i start walking around the office singig I’m just gonna go home.

Celisea

September 23rd, 2011
10:12 am

Jeff – It’s not about mind reading. Know your partner…lol So I guess women need to take ya’ll to the water and make you drink too??

Leggs

September 23rd, 2011
10:14 am

Guess I contradicted myself by saying I never shoot him down. Meaning, I’m not mean or rolling of the eyes or cold shoulder, but I don’t say yes to all that ask.

Celisea

September 23rd, 2011
10:14 am

Asking to kiss is not taking risk!

It’s Jellyback-ing!

As much as I hate to agree (cause something adverse usually falls out)…Imma have to agree with MMEELLOO in on this one. There’s a way to ask “can I have a kiss” knowing it’s okay and leaning about 3/4s of the way because you already know the answer (that’s sexy) versus asking because you’re not sure. That’s moist.

Matt

September 23rd, 2011
10:17 am

Celisea-It is a hard read, and that is why I try to get to know the girls before I even attempt a date. I like to meet lots of people, make lots of friends, so on and so fourth, and usually if you get to know the person before hand, by the time a kiss or a first date comes along you aren’t a stranger anymore. However making the call for timing to move in for a first kiss. BTW I really hate the way this article describes groping, groping for one person is completely different than others. Personally I love to get a good grip on a woman around the ribs and back of the head when going in for a kiss. Some would describe this as groping some wouldn’t all depends.

TenderRoni

September 23rd, 2011
10:18 am

Mornings,

I base my affection on if I’m vibing with you and feel a connection. I like for a man to be respectful and show a gentlemen side on the first date. Groping and being too assertive is a turn-off.
I don’t expect a man to read my mind. I tell a man what I like and don’t like. And think its respectful for a man to ask, if he is unsure of the appropiateness. I would’t see that as weak.

i'm swiss™

September 23rd, 2011
10:19 am

Somewhat on topic:

Matt — I’ve got to disagree with your advice to the ladies to say “no” nicely. Sounds great in theory, but too often it doesn’t work. There’s too many dudes out there who take any hint of niceness (even if she’s saying “no” nicely) as a green light to keep trying. (I’m picturing that scene from Dumb & Dumber — “So, you’re saying there’s a chance“) :lol:

I see it all the time with Mrs. Swiss. All it takes is for me to step away for a second & the jackals try to pounce, and there are only 2 ways to shut them down: either I come up and threaten to cut somebody’s ballz off, or she has to unleash her inner biatch. Politely saying “no, thanks” never works.

Leggs

September 23rd, 2011
10:19 am

You’re right, Celisea. You can say the same words “may I have a kiss” and it can sound differently depending on the tone.