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Dating and your looks

When we debated the “height preferences” earlier this week, I naturally thought how the way we look impact our dating options. When it comes to how you look, do you think that attractiveness is measured and counts for more than it should?

Obviously, we don’t want to be with someone who we aren’t physically attracted to, but just take a moment and think about the success rate of your past dating relationships.

How much did the persons looks contribute (or detract from) the way you interacted with them? How did their looks play a role in how you two connected?

What about their personality? Do you notice a correlation between their attractiveness and their personality traits?

If it’s their hotness that gets your attention, what keeps you interested beyond that?

When you think of your own self-image and looks, do you have expectations that you will be appealing to those you find attractive?

Do you think most people are realistic about the way they look and who they attract?

By Wise Diva, Misadventures in Atlanta Dating Blog

146 comments Add your comment

Matt

September 22nd, 2011
7:10 am

Well it’s obviously very important to be with someone that you find physically attractive in the very beggining, there has to be that spark that says I want to speak to this person. On the flip side to continue the relationship there “should” be more than just sex to keep the relationship together. I am not an entirely attractive man, but I have my own house, I am in great shape, I have a great job, I am awesome with kids and I would make a great dad/provider. Unfortunately in the very beggining meeting someone and getting your foot in the door matters a whole lot more than all of that. Personality is key, most people just want to be with someone in the long run they can snuggle up to on the couch and laugh with about all manners of things, but when things are hot and heavy at the start when the romance is at it’s peak and the man or woman is still in the chase, people need to have those memories to fall back on when things settle down and go into a daily grind, good and bad. So yes, as unfortunate as it is, looks are very important.

Dave

September 22nd, 2011
8:17 am

You have to physically attracted to someone to have a romantic relationship with them, I don’t care what the people say about it being “shallow”. But I have dated to nuclear hot women that were duds as well as some avergae to slightly above average women that were a blast. Sexiness, I have found, is primaritly attitude with a sprinkling of looks. It doesn’t matter if she looks like Heather Locklear if she is boring, combative and just gos through the motions in bed. Looks can only take you so far, but many, MANY women use their looks to climb up the professional and social ladder. Maybe it’s not fair, but that’s the way it is. I’m sure that the exact same goes for men. Gnash your teeth all you want, but looks are 80% of the very first impression. It may get you in the door, but JUST looks won’t keep you there.

CoolShadow

September 22nd, 2011
8:21 am

What about their personality? Do you notice a correlation between their attractiveness and their personality traits?

Personality is critical; it can enhance or diminish their attractiveness, depending on their attitude. Personality can make a just nice looking woman become really attractive in my eyes, and conversely make a gorgeous woman seem just okay if her attitude stinks.

If it’s their hotness that gets your attention, what keeps you interested beyond that?

Personality, charm, warmth, humor, intelligence and for the special ones, je ne sais quoi.

Dave

September 22nd, 2011
8:30 am

Personality is critical in the “maintaining” phase and can indeed increase or decrease the looks of an individual. But you can’t gaza across a room and decide they have a great personality. It’s the getting your foot in the door that looks grants and it is a powerful door opener.

Matt

September 22nd, 2011
8:33 am

As horrible as it is, Dave is right on this one.

justsaying

September 22nd, 2011
8:42 am

Looks are important, sort of like a billboard or store front, but its what’s inside that makes the person a keeper

really

September 22nd, 2011
8:43 am

well said Dave

really

September 22nd, 2011
8:44 am

and you too Matt nicely said

karma

September 22nd, 2011
8:49 am

You see the males and females with the cool cars, flashy snappy outfits, if you can see past that then you might be shallow
It’s the mental connection
Seems there’s a double standard on the woman’s appearance and many men want the trophy wife , and sad to say Some of those paper dolls are just an expensive divorce waiting to happen

Short and Proud

September 22nd, 2011
8:57 am

Ok…I wonder is the bloggers are going to come on today and be honest???? Or are they going to pull the looks don’t matter BS… The truth is Looks matter.. and they matter soooo much more than any of you are going to admit….I read this blog most days, and on more than one occasion, I have seen the ladies run down their dream list, and no where on that list did I see Seth Rogan or Chi McBride…. Not a women reading this would take Don Cheadle over Boris Kojo…And yeah, looks will not keep you in forever, But I would bet my AZZ that everyone reading would put up with isht for a cutie that you would NEVER take from a less attractive person…… Thats just the way it rolls……

Matt

September 22nd, 2011
9:00 am

@Karma
It’s no double standard at all, there are a lot more men out there that can’t get a date then there are women. Most men I know just want a woman to take notice of them, looks are important, but most guys can’t get their foot in the door. Guys let’s be honest, most dudes are so simple that they are looking for a nice warm spot, looks are important but not important enough to make guys stop acting like dogs around a female that is in heat, looks are a bonus on that one.

Lady Strange

September 22nd, 2011
9:01 am

Sure attraction counts. No one wants to kiss and snuggle with someone who they don’t find attractive. But for a relationship to last it’s all about what’s inside, their personality, their heart, how they treat others, if you both can communicate with each other. The more I like someone’s personality, the more attractive they are to me. Got to have a sense of humor too, life’s too short to not laugh and laugh often!

Lady Strange

September 22nd, 2011
9:07 am

@Short – Seth Rogan is pretty hot actually, it’s his annoying laugh that’s a turn off. Celebrities I find attractive varies a lot, anyone from Vin Diesel to Steve Buscemi for me personally. But it’s all based on looks. Looks are just one thing that can attract you to a person, sometimes it’s the first thing. But there has to be more for it to last. IMO

czBrat

September 22nd, 2011
9:09 am

HiYas

How did their looks play a role in how you two connected?
hugely important. i love pretty eyes and a bright smile.

If it’s their hotness that gets your attention, what keeps you interested beyond that?
great convo. tons of easy humor. quick wit. and i find a man who’s not afraid to admit he is spiritual extremely endearing.

do you have expectations that you will be appealing to those you find attractive?
i’m all about the unexpected. i downplay the pretty in the hopes that any dude who takes an interest will be looking at potential and interested in what lies beneath. it’s just waaaaaay too easy to go glam and wow ‘em with the “genetic coincidence of symmetry”. and we all know i ain’t easy. :wink:

Leggs

September 22nd, 2011
9:22 am

Good morning.

I like to believe I’m attractive to the opposite sex. I do know that my personality makes me more attractive (so I’ve been told….)

@short ~ the older you get you will find that looks do matter, but not as muc has they did say in your 20’s. No one wants to be with someone beat down with a bag of nickels, but looks aren’t the end all. Chemistry, personality, care and concern for the other all help to boost one’s level of attractiveness. What’s in the inside that can be projected on the outside can increase your attractiveness (i.e., Biggie Smalls – not my type, but many found him adorable).

SlimNu

September 22nd, 2011
9:23 am

Good morning

OUCH ! i bumped my head

September 22nd, 2011
9:25 am

Stana Katic is Sooooo hot! AKA “Kate Beckett”

Short and Proud

September 22nd, 2011
9:33 am

Ms. Leggs. first good morning…. Second, I beg to differ… If Bigge were not a famous rapper, 98% of women would not have given him the time of day under any circumstance!!!!

Matt

September 22nd, 2011
9:43 am

@Short
I agree with you 100%
@Everyone else
Looks matter greatly, I doubt that it matters for one sex more than others. To get a date absolutely it’s the most important thing, you could be a complete jerk and still get dates as long as you look good, success also comes easier to those that are genetically more attractive, in a world where perception is reality looks are the most important thing to start with. For those of us that are not in the top rung of being attractive, we must get to know people and hope that our personality will shine through, however this is a double edged sword, 1 of 2 things usually happens, the dreaded friend zone, or we have been wasting our time on someone that will never give us the time of day. Either way, sad but true.

Purp

September 22nd, 2011
9:46 am

Looks matter if you are not attracted to a person how would you approach them or allow them to approach you if there was nothing appealing to the eyes? It’s human nature to draw close to what we are attracted to physically and shun what we are not intitially! After that if the person is not attractive a person may look at money, “shape”, or status and then let that compensate for the lack of looks.

Leggs

September 22nd, 2011
9:49 am

@short ~ that’s a high percentage. No doubt fame and fortunate was front and center, but after getting to know how kind and sweet he was, he bacame more attractive. I’m only saying that looks are important, but you can be with someone not very attractive because the content of their character is sexier than their outer beauty.

abc

September 22nd, 2011
9:50 am

Beauty is required, but beauty is in the eye of the beholder. One man’s regard for extreme beauty may be another’s example of repulsive. For instance, many regard the Beyonce and the Williams sisters as examples of beauty, but to me, one is a manufactured barbie that can’t sing or dance for diddly, and the others are amazons that look more like men with implants. Now, don’t go getting all offended, it’s just an example.

abc

September 22nd, 2011
9:52 am

That’s not to say she can’t sing and dance for Diddy. Just kiddin.

czBrat

September 22nd, 2011
9:55 am

:lol: @ abc. thanx for that perfectly timed chuckle. you’re a mess.

kimmie

September 22nd, 2011
9:56 am

Morning All!

With regular, everyday folks, not celebrities, looks definitely get you in the door. Everyone does not have to meet a universal standard of beauty, if there even is one. You just have to have what someone else is looking for. That’s where beauty in the eyes of the beholder comes in. There have been guys that I thought were completely ugly that others were deeming cute or fine, especially in school. These dudes were not jocks or rich or anything either, I’m going strictly on looks.

Now once a person catches your eye, they can’t just stand there and look pretty. All the other yada yada we’ve all mentioned has to be there for the relationship to work.

We’ve had the discussion on here before how pretty folk are able to get away with stuff that not-so-pretty folk can’t. At a point, even the pretty folk have to pay the piper though. Can’t roll on your looks forever.

In our daily discussions on the blog, all of the issues with relationships we bring up have nothing to do with looks. So yeah, looks will get you in the door, but that’s about it.

ahsoisee

September 22nd, 2011
10:04 am

First, there are all kinds of people with all kinds of expectations and value systems. However, it must be conceded as a general fact that “looks” is the most important aspect of the majority of people initially seeking out a partner. We are also aware that “looks” is a great deceiver and is the eventual cause of many breakups and divorces. “Looks” can be extremely deceiving.

There is no doubt that “looks” helps a person in most every facet of life, including business. It may not be fair, but it is a fact.

Many women do not understand the following, but they are looking at their idol and have a picture of the looks of their babies. Also, a man’s “looks” from the eyes of a woman, subconsciously, and, often deceiving, tells the woman he will be a good lover and will give her the babies she wants. Women are not the hot things men think they are marrying, but often are more loving during the time of the month when the egg needs to be fertilized and she is seeking a husband. She does not realize her attraction for love at that time hinges on the inate fact of the egg being ready for fertilization. Ask most married men about the loving attitude of their wives after the wives have satisfied the desires of children and have to keep up with three or four kids all day.

Young available men often think they are hot stuff (actually, most of us did when we were young), but the truth is that the women have eggs to be fertilized each month and are seeking a life-mate at those times. The men have very little to do with this. They realize this after they are married and have a house full of kids. A hint for the men, and a warning to the ladies. If a man wants to make out, he should deduce the approximate time of the ladies monthly production of the eggs.

The “looks” of a woman (especially the curves) is important to a man, because subconsciously he is looking for a woman who will produce children, although children are the farthest thing from his outward working mind when he is dating. A man thinks he is really something and enjoys the game of dating curvy women, but, in the end, he finds he has entrapped himself in a life-long contract.

Actually, I think women are more selective when it comes to the love relationship. The men are more interested in pure sex, but over the years the desire for sex becomes less important and their love of the wife becomes more important to them. I think men love their wives immensely more as they mature than they did when they were first married.

For those considering marriage and life-long relationships, the most important aspect is that the values of the couple should be similar. Most marraiges from the wrong side of the tracks are loopking forward to some rough times. Do not be unequally yoked together. This does not mean you have to like all of the same things, but your values and traditions should be similar.

The Old Man

kimmie

September 22nd, 2011
10:04 am

Short – Rapper or not, I would not have given Biggie a 2nd glance. I’m not attracted to the teddy bear type, I like a man that at least tries to be fit & healthy. Call it shallow if you want, but there is too much diabetes in my family as it is.

Beauty being in the eye of the beholder is the great equalizer. Everyone has a shot. If you are not getting dates, work on yourself and hold yourself accountable. Don’t make it other people’s fault.

Celisea

September 22nd, 2011
10:09 am

Morning folks,

Hmmm, let’s see. I think we’ve talked about this before. Naturally men will be the first to say gotta have looks and beauty before they can do anything. I agree that there has to be a physical attraction to interact and mesh and jive, etc but IMO physical is more chemistry than looks. There are plenty men I see that I find quite the looker but I’m typically not moved to want to “hook up” or get with them or date then. Usually for me it’s sort of the reverse and has been so. After interacting on a platonic level and seeing past the cover or getting to know, the attraction and appeal of who that person is sort of gets me (on a person). I’d say I’ve had only one relationship based of looks and he was rotten to the core. What I’ve deeply loved would be no one that would turn my head on a street corner. Not bad looking at all but not what I’d initially go for.

LOL abc – Yeah, when I see Serena I think Flip Wilson.

Leggs

September 22nd, 2011
10:09 am

If Flava Flav must lead with his wallet, who’s to ask why he does it (lol).

Amia

September 22nd, 2011
10:09 am

Morning….looks are important but we all have different views of what is attractive. I am lining up everyone I have date from college to now (at least a decade :) ) and some of them are very attractive and some are not! One thing that is common, their personality was great. I can remember one in particular; I wouldn’t have ever looked at him. He saw me first and came over to me and his personality was so confident, outgoing, fun, and blunt, that I fell for him. It literally drew me to him. He was the largest guy I had ever dated up until that point and it wasn’t what I thought I wanted, but it was. B Kodjoe is nice looking, but some reason he doesn’t get me excited. Sorry. But for some reason Edris Elba does. This is just an example.

Exiled!

September 22nd, 2011
10:09 am

Good morning!

@Short, I agree with u 100%, including ur rebuttal to Leggs.

@abc agreed,beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Ofcourse most people would want to be with the one with the ‘ultimate beauty’ but when we realize we cannot get them,due to our our lack of physical beauty or ugliness,we re-calibrate on who we can get,practically speaking. But the desire will be there to get the top of the crop. :lol:

@Matt, I’m sorry bro but this made me laugh,’ I am not an entirely attractive man but I have my own house…’ :lol: :lol:

What an admission!!

How many folks,men or female are so candid in their opinions about themselves?

Hiii larouuuuuus! :lol:

Celisea

September 22nd, 2011
10:15 am

Short and Proud – I see you making all sorts of assumptions today…lol Ummm, no amount of money would get me on Biggie. Sorry dude but everybody ain’t into folks for their “stuff.” And truthfully I think the idea of looks not being first and foremost rings true for women. Not saying we don’t appreciate a handsome, nice looking, fine…(whatever you call it) man, we just know, well some of us that sometimes the price tag on that kind of dude ain’t really worth it. Bargaining tends to yield better results.

SlimNu

September 22nd, 2011
10:15 am

O/T
Went to an all women’s meeting with Jazmine Guy as the speaker. Sad to say that she has not aged well for a women that is only 49 years old.

Cool Breeze

September 22nd, 2011
10:15 am

I think a person can be Beautiful on the outside but if they are not on the inside then they are just down right UGLY. We would be kidding ourselves if we didn’t admit that physical attraction is part of the dating process. First there has to be some form of physical connection, then everything else will fall into place. Or NOT.

I’m just saying…

abc

September 22nd, 2011
10:21 am

Lots of women are nice to look at but not nice to be around. We’ve all known some. Some look great but as soon as they open their mouths to speak, their attractiveness dwindles — think Jessica Simpson. It goes both ways, of course.

Exiled!

September 22nd, 2011
10:21 am

@Everybody?

the question is,if u were given a choice of two,a man (woman)that’s beautiful to U on the outside as well as Inside and Another thats beautiful only on the Inside but funky on the Outside,what would be ur choice?

:lol:

Let’s see how the so called mature women wiggle otta this tight corner! :lol:

Matt

September 22nd, 2011
10:25 am

NP Exiled, glad to make you laugh :) didn’t mean to come off that way, but looking back on it, I can see why it made you laugh. I think we are all saying the following

Looks matter
personality is needed
beauty is in the eye of the beholder
better looks will get you further
there is someone looking for something different

I think that sums up everything.

kimmie

September 22nd, 2011
10:25 am

Idris Elba has a certain swag about him that is attractive. Other than his height and slim build, strictly lookswise he is very average to me.

Short – You talk about the women’s dream lists not noting average-looking guys. When we talk about the men’s dream list, I don’t see fat or very average looking women on those lists either. Plus, we are talking DREAMS. Who is going to be dreaming about Joe Average?

Leggs

September 22nd, 2011
10:28 am

@Ex ~ of course you would agree. Wouldn’t have expected anything different.

kimmie

September 22nd, 2011
10:29 am

Exiled, that’s not a tight corner to wiggle out of at all. What you presented was not even a choice really. Who would not take the opportunity to get everything that they want – beauty inside and out? Who’s gonna say, hey I’ll take the ugly one that has inner beauty?

SexyCool

September 22nd, 2011
10:32 am

Biggie? As in Smalls? As in Christopher Wallace?

#BoyStop

Leggs

September 22nd, 2011
10:33 am

@SlimNu ~ I’ve seen her recently and I have to agree with her. The pigmentation has a lot to do with it, along with other factors she may be exposed to (i.e, not enough sleep, water, alcohol, etc.).

Leggs

September 22nd, 2011
10:37 am

agree with YOU…

SlimNu

September 22nd, 2011
10:38 am

Leggs – Was she ever on drugs or an alcoholic that you know of? And it looks like she dabbled in plastic surgery at some point because her eye brows almost touch her hair line

czBrat

September 22nd, 2011
10:39 am

exiled’s 10:21. puhleez. i kayn’t do fugly. i just kayn’t. funky can be my bud tho.
i’m quite happy flying solo if i cannot be with someone i find utterly attractive … inside AND out.

SexyCool

September 22nd, 2011
10:43 am

I’d pass on both of those.

kimmie

September 22nd, 2011
10:46 am

beautiful to U on the outside as well as Inside and Another thats beautiful only on the Inside but funky on the Outside,

That is what Exiled wrote.Did anyone actually read what he wrote? Where is the choice?

Leggs

September 22nd, 2011
10:46 am

Don’t know anything about her extracurricula activities. Just saying if she dabbles it too can aid in her quick aging process.

Me too, SC, me too!

SexyCool

September 22nd, 2011
10:47 am

Yep. Not choosing either one is definitely a choice.

czBrat

September 22nd, 2011
10:49 am

sc, how so? would you not describe your dude as beautiful inside and out? to you, as exiled put it.

kimmie, i read the choice as the second person being admittedly NOT physically attractive “to U”.

where’s the flashlight? can someone please shed some light here and get me back on track?