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Dating: Longer the wait, sweeter the reward

Have you ever delayed gratification for something and discovered how amazing it was to finally receive the reward for being so patient? The anticipation has intensified the desire so much, you are basically guaranteed to enjoy it.

I know this concept is not a popular one in today’s “microwave society” where it’s all about the instant…instant gratification, instant reward, instant disappointment? It’s not easy putting things on a slow track to build intensity and connection, but it can be worthwhile.

Sometimes when you are dating someone you really like, the thought of slowing things down and pacing the relationship is challenging. You want to spend all your free time with them. You want to know everything there is to know about them and what they are about right away.

I think we forget how fun it is to let things progress without a master plan of how it will all unfold. How do you pace your dating relationships so they won’t burn out too fast?

In your experience, does the longer you wait and the more time you spend getting to know someone give the relationship a better shot at lasting?

Do you have a bad habit of rushing things in order to find out all that you can about someone instantly? What is the rush and why do we have a hard time waiting?

Why do we go for the instant relationships and then have a hard time with “foreplay” and relationship building?

By Wise Diva, Misadventures in Atlanta Dating Blog

154 comments Add your comment

thewindwhistler

September 19th, 2011
7:11 am

That is a great question. I really like it. Anticipating some happening can be absolutely, incredibily , mind boggling, exhilirating and phenomenal. Those that need instantaneous gratification will never know the feeling. However, now that I have said that I forgot what it was.

GoldPig

September 19th, 2011
8:16 am

There are no guarantees. Waiting doesn’t mean it gets better. If it’s going to be bad, it’s going to be bad, whether you wait an hour or wait three months.

Dave

September 19th, 2011
8:44 am

No, it does not make it worth it. When I’m into someone, I like to experience time with them and learn about them. I can keep is slow as far as using the “L” word, but I’ll just get anxious to spend time with them. Also, if someone doesn’t want to spend a lot of time with me or is lackadasical with their enthusiasm, chances are good I’ll take it as not really into me and I’ll move on. They say that “absence makes the heart grow fonder”, but I say “out of sight, out of mind.” Also applicable is “You move your meat, you loose your seat.” If I don’t want to spend a lot of time with you, then that’s because i could care less about it.

Dave

September 19th, 2011
8:47 am

oops…lose your seat

SlimUno

September 19th, 2011
8:54 am

Good morning all,

I think it’s good to pace yourself in a dating situation to ensure you’re making a point to get to know the other person and allow them to get to know you. However, that is not a sure fire 100% success rate way to ensure it all works out. Some things don’t take that long to uncover, others are only revealed after a significant amount of time. You just have to meet the right person, at the right time that is close to the same page that you are on. We sometimes get stuck on a particular situation or relationship due to the amount of time we’ve put into it. As much as I would cringe to say it, history is not a real reason to stay in a bad or unfavorable situation.

Mike P

September 19th, 2011
9:04 am

Good Morning All,

I agree with Dave’s post – That’s exactly how I feel about meeting someone new… if I like someone and find them interesting, I actually like to spend lots of time with them. Putting the brakes on meeting them in this manner serves only to put the brakes on my interest in them.

“Also, if someone doesn’t want to spend a lot of time with me or is lackadasical with their enthusiasm, chances are good I’ll take it as not really into me and I’ll move on. They say that “absence makes the heart grow fonder”, but I say “out of sight, out of mind.” ” -Dave…
One Word: EXACTLY!!!

Button

September 19th, 2011
9:12 am

I’ll piggy back on Dave and Mike P comments.

Good morning!

MsMarriedUp

September 19th, 2011
9:18 am

Yes, this is a great question. And good morning to all. Speaking of instant gratification, so often I skip that very pleasant part before going on with my thing.

At any rate, I don’t know so much about waiting, but I did use to have this list of what I didn’t want, namely an older man, and another thing which I leave off, but would clearly state my wants, keeping a few to myself. Welp, along comes guess who? A man checking off everything on that last I told myself I did not want!!!

Because I clearly stated what I didn’t want, he, yes, lied, strung me along, but now here we are…some many, many years later…me now MsMarriedUp;-) oh my goodness if only I had enough space to share the tales!!!

At any rate, and someone already said it, there are no guarantees.

MsMarriedUp

September 19th, 2011
9:23 am

…oops, one more thing.

I only stated this because I see waiting as a rule. There are no rules in dating (from my experience), because there are no guarantees.

SlimUno

September 19th, 2011
9:39 am

Where is everybody?

Leggs
Purp
Swiss
Randyt
Former Dan
SC
Dreams
Exiled
and many many more…

abc

September 19th, 2011
9:41 am

As far as actually getting to know someone, holding back doesn’t serve any benefit. If you’re really talking about holding off on having sex, I can get with that. I recently advised a friend of mine to not give it up on the next guy for at least 2 months. She tends to give it up immediately, and the guys tend to take her for granted and not very seriously after that.

SlimUno

September 19th, 2011
9:47 am

abc – About how long does it take to go downhill after she gives it up? Is it a pretty rapid happening?

abc

September 19th, 2011
9:48 am

It’s pretty much immediately. ‘Course, her choices in men are not all that great either. She’s a good friend too, the list of guys I need to beat up is pretty long.

SlimUno

September 19th, 2011
9:53 am

abc – You don’t have any decent guy friends that you think would make a good partner or have good potential for your lady friend? I know it’s a risk taken when you try to put two folks together but didn’t know if you had considered it all…

abc

September 19th, 2011
10:01 am

I know plenty of techie types, but that’s not what floats her boat. Something about the azzholes is appealing to her, I guess.

Mr_NYC

September 19th, 2011
10:04 am

Good morning all – time does allow opportunity for some deeper more important issues to be revealed; however arbitrary timetables may do nothing more than satisfy a fake sense of security

Side note – Breaking Bad, OK they took out the cartel, that was a bold gutsy move, what in the world is next.

Leggs

September 19th, 2011
10:04 am

Here I am, SlimNu.

Had to eat my frosted flakes quickly before they became soggy. Can’t do soggy cereal. Yummy, haven’t had a bowl of cereal since the beginning of the year.

Now that I’m getting back into the dating world, I have no intention of getting into bed with anyone too fast. What’s fast? Probably the next month or two. I want to spend time getting to know you and you me without the dance under the sheets. Of course this doesn’t necessarily mean the wait will make the “do” sweeter, but it will make it “right” for me! Heck, if I wanted to just jump in the sheets, I could have done that a long time ago. I’m looking for substance, not a deposit!

Leggs

September 19th, 2011
10:05 am

Ooops, great post Dave.

Celisea

September 19th, 2011
10:08 am

Good morning (few) folks…lol

For me when the vibing is good, become intimate is only natural and next. With that being said, I tend to want to pace a bit because I don’t want to be under the gun to perform sexually, I don’t want to send mix signals and I don’t want a person either bailing or getting offend when I won’t engage early on. I have found when truly vibing and on a good path the person doesn’t seem to mind the pace. There much scenary to take in when taking the longer route which can be a good distraction without folks getting anxious or up in arms.

I think where there’s something really there you can afford to pace yourself, you just have to be smart about the pace. Not playing games or putting a person off but rather getting to the next level at the right time….for both.

Celisea

September 19th, 2011
10:09 am

becoming and offended

Celisea

September 19th, 2011
10:12 am

You don’t have to hold back per se but I agree that gratification (in most things) comes when some solid exists…that’s physical, spiritual, emotional. Just jumping the gun all willy nilly with no forethought and more so on implus just ain’t exactly smart. Some folks have taken the gamble and won but IMO that’s what it is…a gamble.

SlimUno

September 19th, 2011
10:12 am

Leggs – I was craving some Frosted Flakes and bananas last night. I can’t even recall the last time I had some cereal.

Celisea

September 19th, 2011
10:12 am

Back to work for now

kimmie

September 19th, 2011
10:14 am

Morning All!

Slim, you forgot me! :( :)

On topic – I say take your time, but not too much time. Yes, things are quite instant nowadays, but there is a fine line. Some folks can drag things out TOO long and what was a slow burning flame is now just fading smoke. It doesn’t take that long to know if this is someone you want to build a future with. Deciding if the 2 of you have chemistry also doesn’t take long. You can talk until you are blue in the face, and see each other every day, but if the person does not do it for you, they just don’t. So yeah, take your time, do your due diligence, but don’t drag your feet either. Life is short and time waits for no one.

NYC – We dvr’d Breaking Bad to watch the game, so we’ll probably watch it tonight.

SlimUno

September 19th, 2011
10:21 am

kimmie – Don’t think of it as ‘forgotten’…you know I’m part of the AARP group now so let’s just blame that on the super premature case of Alzheimers ;-) No luv lost I hope :D

Leggs

September 19th, 2011
10:21 am

@SlimNU ~ that’s why it was so good. Just wished I had a bigger bowl.

@kimmie ~ exactly, take your time, but not too much time.

kimmie

September 19th, 2011
10:26 am

Slim – Just messin witcha!LOL!!

SlimUno

September 19th, 2011
10:41 am

kimmie – I know ;-)

My calf muscles hurt

O/T: It’s supposed to rain pretty much the rest of the week and get cooler, so that’s obviously going to ruin my chances to run in the morning. Anyone know of a good (reasonably priced) workout video that I could use to do on the rainy days?

Mike P

September 19th, 2011
10:56 am

@SlimUno: Hip-Hop Abs video by Shawn Tee… I find that its the best quick workout video that offers a real workout. :)

SlimUno

September 19th, 2011
11:01 am

Mike P – I was googling some of his vids this past weekend. I’ll need to find one that’s in my budget because I pulled up a whole kit of his that was almost $200.

Mike P

September 19th, 2011
11:04 am

don’t get the whole kit, just get his first set, two DVDs I think. I haven’t tried any of he newer videos, so I can’t vouch for them.

SlimUno

September 19th, 2011
11:08 am

Cool beans, thanks ;-)

So what did all yall good folks do this past weekend, if anything? I pretty much chilled and ran. I had one of those stay-in-the-house weekends.

Mike P

September 19th, 2011
11:17 am

Rested, ate well, slept, went bike riding, and was invited to a friend’s church. :)

Leggs

September 19th, 2011
11:19 am

Went to a fight party (if you can call it a fight), took child to modeling class, mopping, sweeping, doing laundry to top it off with ribs and corn on the cobb on the grill. It was a great weekend (lol)….

SlimUno

September 19th, 2011
11:21 am

I don’t know what someone just heated up in the microwave but it smells like Little Tiajuana up in here…smell like grilled pico de gallo & jalapeno peppers. Now i have a strong desire for a margarita.

SlimUno

September 19th, 2011
11:24 am

Mike P – You said you got invited to a friends church but did you go? lol

Leggs – mmm ribs sound good. I was going to do some steaks but the beau and I ended up going out to eat and guess what he orders…a dayum steak. So I just seasoned them and put them in the freezer to make later on in the week. I ended up making cream of mushroom chicken, string beans and potatoes last night.

Leggs

September 19th, 2011
11:28 am

I love, love, love cream of mushroom chicken with rice and broccoli. One of my favorite meals.

@SlimNU ~ I ate 2 bones yesterday, rug rat ate 3 then ex dropped by and ate 4. She took the other 4 bones for lunch today. I just knew I would be having ribs for dinner tonight (lol). NOT!

Leggs

September 19th, 2011
11:29 am

O/T: Anyone here ever eaten at Yeah Burger on Virginia Highland?

SlimUno

September 19th, 2011
11:31 am

Leggs – I usually have mine with the chicken flavored Uncle Ben’s rice and broccoli but the beau wanted taters and string beans lol And dontcha just hate when you have your mouth all watering for some good leftovers, only to discover it just ain’t bout to happen? lol So when we went grocery shopping, please tell me why he picks out the thickest dayum steaks he could find. So lawd knows how tender these things will turn out when I finally fix them. Fanga’s crossed. *sigh*

abc

September 19th, 2011
11:39 am

I love, love, love cream of mushroom chicken with rice and broccoli. One of my favorite meals.

Sounds like bachelor food.

So when we went grocery shopping, please tell me why he picks out the thickest dayum steaks he could find.

If it’s a filet, getting a cut from the thick side of the slab is the best part of the cut. When grilling, you have to do top and bottom, and then put it up on each side too, length of time for each of the 4 sides based on how you like it.

Mike P

September 19th, 2011
11:39 am

@Slim: Yup, we went together, imma just say this… it wasn’t at all what I expected.

Leggs

September 19th, 2011
11:40 am

Tenderize them the old fashioned way, poke holes in them with a fork all over the steak (repeatedly) before seasoning, or you can use one of those fancy tenderizer tools (LOL).

SlimUno

September 19th, 2011
11:42 am

Mike P – I sense that you don’t care to elaborate on the experience of what you expected versus what actually happened? lol

abc – How does cream of mushroom chicken sound like bachelor food?

Leggs – Yeah, I seasoned and poked them suckas pretty well. Whenever I make them this week, i’ll let yall know how they turned out.

Leggs

September 19th, 2011
11:47 am

@abc ~ I was dating this guy back in the 80’s and he made that meal for me. I was impressed. Been making it ever since.

Mr_NYC

September 19th, 2011
11:51 am

@Slim, my good steak tip — get those steaks in your favorite marinade about at least 4 hours before cooking. And let them sit at least 20 mins in room temp before throwing them on the grill.

SlimUno

September 19th, 2011
11:54 am

The best meal i’ve had by the hands of a guy was probably some grilled fish. It was seasoned so well and cooked perfectly as fish should be cooked. It probably helped that he recalled that I wasn’t a big steak eater so even though he made me fish, he made himsef a steak. I was impressed at the thoughtfulness and how he had everything set up

Button

September 19th, 2011
11:55 am

I was sick Saturday and Sunday, so I stayed in and watched seasons 3 thru 7 of Everybody Loves Raymond and season one and two of Martin Lawrence.

abc

September 19th, 2011
12:02 pm

It sounds like bachelor food because it’s fast, easy, simple — doesn’t look like much on the plate, but who cares? Kind of like when I was in college (and po!) I’d make things like rice with chunky soup dumped on top of it. A Pakistani roommate convinced me to ditch the minute rice for real rice, these days I have preference for a wild/brown mixture. But I haven’t done the chunky soup bit since I was a college kid.

Leggs

September 19th, 2011
12:03 pm

@Button, glad you’re feel better, or at least a little better but that made me laugh. I think I’ve seen every episode of Everybody Loves Raymond.

For Real

September 19th, 2011
12:04 pm

What up blog fam!!!

On topic: It ain’t rocket science, know your dating pace and then find someone that has the same pace.

abc: It’s not how quickly your friend gives up the nappy dugout that’s the problem it’s her but you probably already know that.

Slim: Run around coffee table 500 times really fast. Oh and don’t ever, eva, eva poke your meat.