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Should courting make a comeback?

I am sorry to be the bearer of bad news, people. Apparently, that thing single people do with each other is not courting. You can blame it on friends with benefits, hooking up on the first date, and technology. These are a few of the things that get in the way of good old fashioned courting.

I was at a taping of a new show, Verses and Flow, that is going to be airing soon, hosted by Hill Harper. I was chatting with a photographer who was an older gentleman. He mentioned that his son should have been there to meet a nice lady. He said he has tried to show his son that courting a woman is still necessary.

I began to think about the last couple of times I met a guy and how he asked me out. How we communicated and how things got started. Things have changed since the days of courting, but so much else has too. Should courting make a comeback? Is there room for courting? Are there benefits to it?

What do you think the difference is between courting and dating? Or is there really a difference at all?

By Wise Diva, Misadventures in Atlanta Dating Blog

236 comments Add your comment

Jeff

September 15th, 2011
7:45 am

Absoultely. It’ll happen right after women turn back in to ladies.

SlimUno

September 15th, 2011
8:19 am

Good morning

I could’ve sworn we just talked about this not too long ago. Oh well…

Rell

September 15th, 2011
8:25 am

Courting is still alive…i think the problems comes in when the other party – likes to be specific where she is taken…..its not about learning me or even enjoying a good time..it comes down to how much money is spent, where we go..etc..

Foxy

September 15th, 2011
8:27 am

@Jeff- Foxy thinks you only find what your looking for. jus sayin’

GM Kids! Don’t forget your umbrella-ella. :)

Harder...please.

September 15th, 2011
8:45 am

Court: pay attention to, go steady, pursue, seek the hand of.

I don’t know what sort of hook-up, sex-on-the-first-date, courting-is-dead world you live in. Where I live, every relationship I’ve ever seen that resulted in marriage started with courtship. And still does.

Dave

September 15th, 2011
8:53 am

It’s because of today’s entitlement attitude. What’s in it for me or how will this benefit me? It’s like everyone (mostly men) are put through a checklist instead of actually getting to know each other. Is he cute enough? Does he make enough money? Does he like to spend his money on me? Does he own a house? Do my friends think he’s cute or just so-so? Would I like to be seen with him at a social gathering? Is he a “he’ll do for now” guy or is he a “if I don’t grab him now, someone else will” guy? With men it’s more of the same, but different criteria. Is she hot? Is her body good enough? Is she a psycho? Is she just after the biggest paycheck? Is she good in bed?

Just look at the dating sites with all of the check lists. That’s how we think this day and time. It’s a rough crowd, but that’s the way it is.

Dave

September 15th, 2011
8:58 am

Mostly the best looking men women are doing the selecting. The great looking ladies have more command of that selection process. That’s the nature of the beast. Men are lined up like a buffet and the ladies decide what to sample and what to get full helpings of. Debate all you want, but rarely are the men decideing which lady to pick. It’s usually the other way around. But the “top shelf” ladies and men do the choosing. The rest of us are like remora’s swimming around the shark’s mouth. We get what’s left.

Leggs

September 15th, 2011
9:00 am

Good morning.

@SlimNu ~ we did speak on this topic recently.

@Jeff ~ not sure where you’re meeting your women, but there are a lot of “ladies” out there. They’re the ones not taking the BS some of you men are handing down.

Should courting make a return ~ yes, but there cannot be any courting until many of these men grow their balls back! People keep talking about the natural order of things, and it’s the man’s role to pursue the woman. If so many would stop looking for FWB, B.U.D.D.Y’s, or sex w/no emotional ties, relationships can be formed.

Rod

September 15th, 2011
9:00 am

Dating is something that turns in to courting. Dating is the initial phase of getting to know someone, seeing if there are common interests, common likes and dislikes, and a general sense of comfort around one another.

Courting is the next level, where it becomes completely monogamous, and the couple are dedicated to one another and learning if it is destined to become a long term commitment.

At least that’s how I see things. Being that I am new to contributing here and newly returned to the life of a single man after 15 years, I hope I’m at least somewhat close.

SlimUno

September 15th, 2011
9:01 am

Is he cute enough? Does he make enough money? Does he like to spend his money on me? Does he own a house? Do my friends think he’s cute or just so-so? Would I like to be seen with him at a social gathering? Is he a “he’ll do for now” guy or is he a “if I don’t grab him now, someone else will” guy?

Dang, I must be behind the 8 ball because this does not reflect my line of thinking at all. If i’m going out on a date with a guy, I must initially find something about him attractive enough to even consider it, whether it be looks, body, personality or whatever. Everything else after that is about getting to know him and see if his life, ways, thoughts and feelings line up with mine or at least offer some sort of bridge for us to continue dating & getting to know each other.

just me

September 15th, 2011
9:01 am

If you want to be courted, don’t take anything less. I can’t believe some of the things women are willing to accept now just because they think they have to. On the flipside, as a man, if you catch a woman that didn’t need to be courted, chances are she aint worth much anyway.

Dave

September 15th, 2011
9:07 am

I like Kevin Costner’s response to Susan Sarandon in “Bull Durham”….

“Lady, I’ve been in the league for 12 years. I don’t “try out” any more.”

Rell

September 15th, 2011
9:09 am

@dave..no we dont get “sloppy seconds”…women date alpha males..those that can protect and provide..if you show that you can…you can have your pic…men pick based on the look of the women and how well she “mothers”…some men like benches but they pay in the end…i did…but usually thats the “natural” order of things..and it plays out daily..if you go around like a wimp you get the throw aways..but if you command your square you can catch a dime..i mean she is a woman – not a super – woman or some type of character…she wants what the “average” woman wants..someone who will protect and provide…that does not change player

Amia

September 15th, 2011
9:12 am

Is he cute enough? Does he make enough money? Does he like to spend his money on me? Does he own a house? Do my friends think he’s cute or just so-so? Would I like to be seen with him at a social gathering? Is he a “he’ll do for now” guy or is he a “if I don’t grab him now, someone else will” guy?

***** This must 20 year olds. I don’t know anyone that’s above 30 that think like this, Dave. Seriously. I think there are so many desparate women who have allowed and spoiled some of these men to not have to court. Courting is wonderful. It’s not a using period. I agree with Rod when he said dating is the first step then courting. Well said.

SlimUno

September 15th, 2011
9:14 am

Deja vu lol

Dave – Seems like men have that same line of thinking whether they’ve been ‘in the league 12 years’ or not. Since the ratio of women outweigh the men, it has caused SOME of yall to feel like a director having different chick ‘audition’ for the job/position etc. It’s almost like those dance shows were you have a large group of chicks all on one stage and the ‘director’ aka man, sits in the audience at them all watching to see who can outdance the other. Dating and relationships is supposed to be a TOGETHER THANG, not a sit back and watch me work while you do nothing but reap the benefits of all these prospects kinda thang ;-) Because when you finally reach a level of RELATIONSHIP status, it cannot be sustained by one person alone. Yo ass (generally speaking) gonna have to get in the game in order to make it work.

Jay

September 15th, 2011
9:15 am

Ok, I F’ucked him first and we fell in love later, absolutes are never exact.

Dave

September 15th, 2011
9:15 am

@Rell…that’s the whole point. If there is another male that can out “Alpha” the other males, he gets first pick. And there will always be someone else coming down the pike that is a bigger Alpha. It doesn’t matter how Alpha you are, there’s always someone more Alpha. Just ask Mike Tyson…… Both men and women are constantly being “measure” and “compared” to other fish swimming by and everyone wants the trophy.

Jay

September 15th, 2011
9:19 am

….and he still courts me.

MsMarriedUp

September 15th, 2011
9:20 am

EXACTLY!!! Yes!!! The word I’ve been looking for. It’s exactly what it is meant by making friends.

I will agree, sex gets in the way of this as some, especially young people tend to get emotionally whipped once they slip btwn those sheets…which why I lean towards looking at any relationship from the friendship window first.

It’s amazing though, because it’s usually others who see you just laughing and talking with someone and think it’s dating. Or, and too, the person who you have no sexual interest in, who you’re busy friending, sometimes gets ahead of him or herself thinking something more is there. NO! Just friendship. Just socializing. At any rate, I think courting needs to make a comeback!

Rell

September 15th, 2011
9:26 am

@slim

Dating and relationships is supposed to be a TOGETHER THANG, not a sit back and watch me work while you do nothing but reap the benefits of all these prospects kinda thang

lol^^^this is what most women do..there line of thinking…impress me

@dave..out alpha you…well yeah maybe..but again thats the beauty of choice and reason…women have that…we are not animals…provide and protect just gets you in the door..the next is your leadership ability..are you a man of your word..do you make her feel femine..i mean you can pick at the words all day..but as a man you know what you have to do…i mean god gave man food..but you still have to work to eat..same with dating…

MrMan

September 15th, 2011
9:29 am

Sorry, but if all we are is friends and there is nothing else in our future. I’m not paying for your dinner, movie, concert tickets, game tickets, etc. That called a sponsor and it’s something women do to man WAY too often. It’s also called being used. If all I wanted was a friend or companion, I’ll call a guy up and won’t have to put up with the tales of drama.

Rell

September 15th, 2011
9:34 am

@mrman..that means you failed the “trick bag” test…lol. But really its nothing wrong with doing something nice for your friend..every intereaction with a women does not require you to take something from her…if you have a “taking” energy that mean you not gving off anything attractive..taking all the time is very unattractive…giving of yourself melts those walls you come up against…quicker than you think..just my .02

abc

September 15th, 2011
9:34 am

This is pretty effed up. If you’re not courting the person you’re dating, you’re just seeing them for whatever entertainment value they bring. Shallow.

As far as who has control, I can’t much relate to that. The last time I didn’t feel in control of something like that, I was 16 years old.

MsMarriedUp

September 15th, 2011
9:36 am

I agree Mr Man. As friends you are even at that level. Yes, you may have a ’special’ interest in the person, but you won’t know until you hang out a bit doing casual things… just trying to catch their, however, not getting emotionally bent if the person doesn’t turn out to be what you’ve expected.

I mean like just think… you got to do all this without a financial investment, and really shouldn’t have been an emotional investment either.

Leggs

September 15th, 2011
9:36 am

@just me/Rod – Both your posts are on point!

SlimUno

September 15th, 2011
9:36 am

Rell – A dude buying a chick nice things is cool but a person can buy you all the gifts in the world but still treat you like sh!t…call them make up for that knot I put on the side of your dayum head gift. lol The way a guy ‘impresses me’ is by the way he treats me, his desire to spend time with me, experience things together, learn and share together…but I suppose that cuts me out of the Most Women categoy ;-)

MsMarriedUp

September 15th, 2011
9:40 am

damn fingers… that’s as friends you aren’t at that level… first you want to catch people’s flow WITHOUT the finacial investment… or emotional investment. Some can do it with the benefits but most Imust agree might really want to look into that courting first.

Rell

September 15th, 2011
9:41 am

@slim..yep your really not MOST women..lol

abc

September 15th, 2011
9:47 am

Why do you care so much about financial and emotional investment? That makes it sound like you’re entrenched to the point of not being willing to assume risk. Everything worth attaining incurs risk in the endeavor. If someone seems like too big a risk, why are you seeing them at all?

MrMan

September 15th, 2011
9:49 am

All of this sounds nice, but let’s return to this world we like to call Reality. Sure, Rell, that’s how it’s SUPPOSED to be, but it isn’t. Just like men use women for sex, women use men because of what they can benefit from them. Not ALL, mind you, but a good portion of them. It’s like an auction and whomever makes the highest bid, wins. Perfectly good men have been used and discarded when they were no longer deemed useful or when a nicer model is offered. Same with women. Very nice women being used until a nicer model comes along. Doesn’t make it right or wrong, that’s just the way it is. You win some and you lose some. But make no mistake about it, whichever guy that shows up with the most (or more expensive) toys, wins. Whichever girl shows up with the best looks, wins. OK, personality get’s thrown in there at some point, but not at the auction.

Michael P.

September 15th, 2011
9:49 am

Courting or not courting? Bottom line is, we do still court, however the rules have definitely changed. We’re far to quick today as far as ‘getting down to business’ goes, and that ISN’T courting…that’s just sex.
Although, I must admit that true courting seems to have begun its demise during the late 60’s when I was in adoloscence. This was the last time that I truly courted a women. We dated for nearly two years before we ended up in bed, and the delay had nothing to do with whether or not I was an ‘Alpha Male’, or my Paycheck, or whether or not I was good looking enough.
The 60’s may have been the beginning of the Sexual Revolution, but not all women felt it necessary to bed every guy the dated, and that’s the way it should be.
I did court my wife, although I must admit it was a quick courtship, however, when two people meet, they do not always have to wait days, weeks or even months to determine if they are right for each other. I have been previously married as was my wife, and we both obviously made some mistakes in the choosing of our prior mates.
In our case, we met online, so I guess you could say that there had been some previous E-Courting that took place before our first face-to-face meeting, We exchanged photos and numerous emails over a period of several weeks before our meeting, so we had already made a connection with one another. Then again, we were completely honest in our exhanges prior to our meeting, so there was no guessing as to whom we truly were. On the day we did finally meet, all it took was one touch of our hands together…and that one touch was ELECTRIC!
Whether you’re truly courting or not, when you do meet the right person, the considerations of money, property, prestige, looks and physical appearance, all go out the window…and they should. If all your interested in is those material things that give you bragging rights among your friends, then you should just go out and become a gigalo or call-girl and be done with it! If I were a well-to-do man or woman on the dating scene today, I would go out and buy a cheap p.o.s. car for the express purpose of using it on my dates just to determine if the person I was dating was truly interested in me or my money. I probably wouldn’t even dress in expensive clothing, and wear only simple clothing as well. It’s better to be smart and hesitant now than to have to deal with a nasty break-up or divorce later, especially if their are children involved.

thewindwhistler

September 15th, 2011
9:51 am

That is a great question. I really like it. Dating is meeting at a certain time to go some place, show, dinner etc. Courting is much more, like going for a walk in the moonlight, a ride in the country, all the little things when a guy and girl are getting to know each other. Like me, some might consider me an older fella, having been born at the turn of the century, no, no, no not the 21st century, the 20th century. I would hook up the horse and buggy and take my girl friend for a ride in the country, in the winter i had a sleigh with bells and we would go out into the winter wonderland. Now that i am some what older, i take my friend on A RIDE in my new fAngled car, I really like her, i am thinking of……marriage. Of course my personal trainer will keep all the muscles limber.

abc

September 15th, 2011
9:54 am

I think the only difference between courting and dating is intent. Courting implies that the man’s interest is in the long term; dating doesn’t necessarily require that.

MsMarriedUp

September 15th, 2011
9:55 am

I personally (didn’t) mind being showered with gifts and such, however, I don’t expect or even want someone doing this if they’re going to feel like all the money they spent was a waste if things don’t go their way. I’d prefer being friends, or courting first rather going through all of that.

Exiled!

September 15th, 2011
9:55 am

Good morning!

@Dave’the rest of us are like remora’s swimming round a shark’s mouth,we get what’s left’

I am so sorry to hear of your plight buddy!

What is courting anyway?

is it not seeking the chic u want,same like guys do now.

Michael P.

September 15th, 2011
9:58 am

Hey WindWhistler, you got it exactly right, as did ABC as well! Good posts!

I'mworthit

September 15th, 2011
10:11 am

Women need to look at their self worth and demand that they get treated accordingly. YES, I have standards for any man that wants to date me. A trip to the local TGI Fridays won’t cut it. I feel I deserve to get treated better then that. If you can’t fill the bill, then move on to the next AVERAGE woman. I know I’m above average and will settle for nothing less than the best. It’s call Darwinism. Only the strongest and most qualified will survive with me. The rest of the bottom feeders can settle for whatever they can dig up.

I'mworthit

September 15th, 2011
10:12 am

Remember, it’s just as easy to fall in love with a rich man as it is to fall in love with a poor man. In fact, it’s MUCH easier!

Reio

September 15th, 2011
10:15 am

If I were single again, I would’nt know how to not court. I did.nt know things have changed so much. Years ago, as a single man, I had to kick a few to the curb, if they started to demand “stuff”. Did’nt put up with much nonsense or silliness.

SexyCool

September 15th, 2011
10:20 am

I was and am still courted. And I courted and am still courting.

Reio

September 15th, 2011
10:20 am

Whats wrong with TGI Friday’s?

Casual observer

September 15th, 2011
10:22 am

I’mworthit, Sounds like you are the type of woman that gets bought and sold all day every day…..You talking the talk, but I would be willing to bet, that your price can be more readily discovered the terms of the sale more easily negatioated than some of the around the way girls. Just remember that The steak from Chops eventully gets flushed down the toilet just like the one thats 2 for $20.00

Leggs

September 15th, 2011
10:24 am

Should courting make a comeback? I wouldn’t say it has left the bldg, so to speak. What has happened is “courting” is shortlived on any one individual. Too many bodies in the pool. One can’t seem to make up their mind to spend time with one person. People are easily discarded in the hopes of finding a better prize instead of trying to invest in the person that first caught their eye.

Leggs

September 15th, 2011
10:26 am

@Casual ~ I am laughing with hand over mouth!

Aunt Smoky

September 15th, 2011
10:28 am

But the “top shelf” ladies and men do the choosing. The rest of us are like remora’s swimming around the shark’s mouth. We get what’s left- Dave

Speak for yourself Dave. Damn. If you don’t think you tha ish who will?

Leggs- Your 9:00am is on point! Men talking about women need to be ladies….Aunt Smoky does not have time to cover that mess. Hell naw.

Good Morning Er’Body.

kimmie

September 15th, 2011
10:30 am

Morning All!

Yes, we went down this road quite recently! I’m with SCool. Was, still am, & still do. But that’s the kinda man I have and the kinda woman I am.

All these dudes whining about who pays & such, who’s being used, whatever – grow up & grow a pair!

I'mworthit

September 15th, 2011
10:32 am

Casual Observer, just the expected response from someone that doesn’t have the goods. If you want the best, you have to bring the best. I hear all this “relationship” stuff and it sounds like it’s being read from some philosophical manual. In other words, good intentions and a dime won’t even get you a cup of coffee. My man is successful, gorgeous and very well off. I’m beautiful and well worth what he does for me. Porsches are only compared to other cars in the same vein….not Kia’s. Remember that when you see a woman across that smoke filled room.

kimmie

September 15th, 2011
10:33 am

Reio

September 15th, 2011
10:33 am

I’mworthit – Don’t equate your self worth with what he may be thinking is a godd time. In other words, he may think the world of you,and trys to show you a good time, but he can’t resd your mind, so he won’t know what’s acceptable to you, until you tell him. But by then, you’ve already conclueded that what he preceives to be a good time is his way of looking upon you as having less value than other women, when in his mind, nothing could be further from the truth. If that makes sense.

No Scrubs

September 15th, 2011
10:36 am

Looks to me like most of the fellas on here need a man parts transplant. Best you should start with balls, cuz ya ain’t got none from where I’m sitting.

Oh, and Casual Observer, go on and be crass with your potty talk. But your pitiful attempt to name drop stinks worse than anything you’re gonna flush.