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Dating the date juggler?

My friend David met a really great girl but he has already decided to move on. He found out that she is “in demand” and gets asked out quite a lot. Apparently, this is a deal breaker?

I asked him why would he give up so easily. He’s no slouch and he could easily “compete” for her affections. He said that he is no interested in doing so. Call it ego, or just knowing he has a boatload of options himself. He doesn’t date the date juggler.

I am not sure how he knows how many guys the young girl was seeing. I wonder why do we need to be the only one a person is dating? If you are single and exploring your options, should you really be penalized for that?

How many prospects should you try to take on at one time in dating?

Would it bother you if you went out with someone and you were their second date or meet up of the day?

Do you think a single person who juggles a bunch of dates is a deal breaker?

What do you do if you are seeing someone you connect with and you want them to drop their other options? Is it fair to ask that they stop seeing other people when you aren’t sure that you want to be exclusive with them?

By Wise Diva, Misadventures in Atlanta Dating Blog

280 comments Add your comment

Randyt (aka Been There, Done That, Got a Closet FULL of T-Shirts)

September 13th, 2011
7:55 am

This hits a nerve with me. I am totally monogamous and it would be a deal breaker for me to date a “juggler” or a “serial dater”. Kevin costner said it best to Susan Sarandon in the movie “Bull Furham”. I’ve been in the league for 13 years, I don’t try out any more”. I’m like Costner, I don’t compete. there are too many monogmous types that are just fine to waste one’s time and energy trying to squeeze into someone’s schedule. If I wanted that I would apply to the Bachelorette and compete fully.

Juggling is fine if one dates to just date I suppose. If that is the case and it is just a booty call then find a “friend with benefits” and just enjoy the sport effing for what it is. Not me though.

Randyt (aka Been There, Done That, Got a Closet FULL of T-Shirts)

September 13th, 2011
7:57 am

My typing is crappy Bull Durham and Bull Furham.

Josh

September 13th, 2011
8:28 am

I’m with Randyt – One (maybe two non-sexual) dates at once. More than that is sleezy. And maybe this is okay in some ethnic circles (where people have seven babies on $14,000 in income), but not in others.

Button

September 13th, 2011
8:28 am

Good morning! If I’m dating and exploring my options, I wouldn’t indulge that information to the guys but, I would let it be known that until I’m in and exclusive relationship I still have a right to see others if I choose to and so does he.

I don’t think juggling dates is a deal breaker, sometimes you have to date around to find what your looking for.

What do you do if you are seeing someone you connect with and you want them to drop their other options? I would tell the guy my feelings and take it from there, and if he’s not ready to move froward with a serious relationship then I will weigh my options whether to continue seeing him or move on. What a scary thing to tell a person how you feel and then find out he/she doesn’t feel the same way or their not ready… :(

Is it fair to ask that they stop seeing other people when you aren’t sure that you want to be exclusive with them? Absolutely NOT!

Seriously, you have to know that when you meet someone they are totally not single…there’s always someone lurking around JMO

Foxy

September 13th, 2011
8:44 am

Foxy thinks your friend is insecure.

GM Kids!

thewindwhistler

September 13th, 2011
8:45 am

That is a great question. I really like it. I have a friend who is also my personal trainer. I know she has dates with guys. I really do not see myself as having a monopoly. In fact, it is fine. The more experiences this girl has, the more she will be aware that I am top of the linde. If my friend would rather drive a ford rather than a 90,000 dollar Dodge Viper[thats me not the sheriff] sh is welcome to it.
This fella you are alluding to is not sure of himeslf, that is why he is not interested in continuing to date this girl.
My PT is coming, adios.

Mr. Ctrl-Alt-Delete

September 13th, 2011
8:45 am

Hey I have been a jugglee, I was told by a young lady that she was seeing others. As a result, she ultimately caught feelings and I didn’t like how she treated me while weeding out her top choices. I would have preferred her deal with her others exclusively and then try me out. Her attitude while hanging out was sometimes distant. When she knew she wanted me her attitude was thirsty.

CoolShadow

September 13th, 2011
8:47 am

Do you think a single person who juggles a bunch of dates is a deal breaker?

It depends. The more I like her, the more I’ll want exclusivity and escalation to a monogamous relationship. If she’s a date juggler that I’m digging, I’ll remove myself from the running. Because I’ll not want to be part of her rotation feeling like I’m being played. This could be an advantage for her to be consistently entertained like this without it impacting her finances, then fine for her. I’d just rather not be one of the sponsors.

Lady Strange

September 13th, 2011
8:49 am

When I was dating my max was 2 at a time, and even that was too much for me. And I would only date “juggle” until I saw which one I got along better with and then would go from there. In my experiences lately very few men want an exclusive relationship. The men want to be free to date “juggle” and I wanted to find someone to be exclusive with. Didn’t bother me, I just moved on once I found out they weren’t looking for something exclusive.

But even if they are looking for someone to be exclusive with, you have to find the right person first. Can’t just jump in to an exclusive relationship with a stranger! So you date “juggle” a little till you can figure out which person you hit it off better with. I’m a monogamous person so I’m not talking about sleeping with multiple people, just dating till you get to see the real person. Thankfully I’m done with the dating and the juggling thing!

What?!?!?

September 13th, 2011
9:00 am

What kind of self-important moniker is “Wise Diva” when you never give out any advice or wisdom?

Button

September 13th, 2011
9:04 am

Can’t just jump in to an exclusive relationship with a stranger! can’t jump in bed with em either :)

  

September 13th, 2011
9:11 am

What kind of self-important moniker is “Wise Diva” when you never give out any advice or wisdom?

+1

Nominated for line of the day!!! :)

Casual observer

September 13th, 2011
9:21 am

“And maybe this is okay in some ethnic circles (where people have seven babies on $14,000 in income), but not in others.”

Its way early for that type of isth don’t you think???

Until one is exclusive, why should it matter to others how many people you are dating? Now dating does not mean sleeping with it means DATING….. If I can date 4 women at a time then where is the problem??? As long as it is done tactfully and with respect, where is the problem???

Reio

September 13th, 2011
9:24 am

Deal breaker for sure. I’m a one woman man. If she wants to see others, do so. But I won’t be around. Sorry.

Amia

September 13th, 2011
9:27 am

If you’re single, you have to date. That’s the only way you are going to meet and get to know someone. With that said, if I meet a guy and go out with him and I feel no sparks/interests, that’s my last time going out with him. Next…. If I meet someone and I like them and think it’s going well, then I am dating and getting to know him. I am not going out with others. That’s me. I like to focus on one at a time if I’m interested. Definately no a serial dater and I don’t men who are. If you like me, focus on me and see where it goes.

SlimUno

September 13th, 2011
9:29 am

Good morning,

My understanding with regard to women dating multiple dudes is that men naturally associate a woman dating a guy means she is also sleeping with him. I dated two dudes at once but wasn’t having relations with either of them. I was looked at sideways whenever I said that like, “whoa!…Slim gets down like that”.

Dating does not equal Fking

But i’m not really a fan of dating numerous people at once…it takes too much time & energy to keep up with all that

Peaches

September 13th, 2011
9:29 am

I have been a juggler as well as a jugglee…as long as all parties involved are aware of the situation I do not see where the problem exists. You have to sample the menu before you can determine your favorite entree’…the important thing is to make sure you put the menu away one you’ve found it. Openness and Honesty are the most important factors here! I am not referring to intimate relationships, just the dating.

TenderRoni

September 13th, 2011
9:31 am

I need this topic today…should be interesting!

Casual observer

September 13th, 2011
9:32 am

“Dating does not equal Fking”

Can we please make sure everyone understands this!!!!!

Gracie L

September 13th, 2011
9:37 am

It seems there are droughts, and times when it rains and pours. A single person does have to explore options in order to find a good fit. The important thing when taking up a chunk of someone’s time is to make the effort to get to know that person during the time you spend together, not to be thinking about what you have going on later that day or week. I try to be a good listener instead of “comparing” or working off a checklist in my head. (Not always easy, but I try.) There’s no commitment until there IS, even though some people assume they’re a “couple” after two dates — then get their feelings hurt when the reality differs.

czBrat

September 13th, 2011
9:37 am

HiYas!

wow! i must say i’m surprised that so many blog gents have a problem with this. i would have expected your competitive nature to kick in and make you drive for the top of the leaderboard.

having said that, i’m diggin button’s 8:28. all in due time. just cuz you’re not the only thing on the menu when we meet doesn’t mean i won’t soon develop an appetite for you and only you. whatever happened to “people who are desired by others are more desirable”?

MsMarriedUp

September 13th, 2011
9:39 am

My goodness…not even married and already the headaches. What ever happened to FIRST just being friends? We shouldn’t even have to be going into ‘the’ personal life like that. Just chill…be friends…

dan

September 13th, 2011
9:49 am

Advice to woman:
If you have kids they are baggage. You may have to settle. I know you love you kids you have the best kids in the world blah blah blah. But seriously inside of each one of those kids is the man who either you dumped or the man that dumped you.

OK you older woman out there. Who love being the Cougar. OK it has to be said you may look good for your age but seriously and honestly from the guys point of view your just a piece. We will say and tell you everything until we find something younger. Seriously if I am 32 and looking for a lifetime commitment I am marring someone 27-31.

himalya playa

September 13th, 2011
9:49 am

I hit all that I can.

Bradley

September 13th, 2011
9:50 am

Enter your comments here

Amia

September 13th, 2011
9:51 am

So many people equate dating to sex! Assumptions get you nowhere. I am not trying to screw half of the metro area trying to find the person I’m really supposed to be with.

Celisea

September 13th, 2011
9:51 am

Good morning folks,

In a nutshell what he (Cool Shadow)

Because I’ll not want to be part of her rotation feeling like I’m being played

Yes dating means dating…I’ve come to terms with that over the years…lol Sometimes that’s one sometimes that’s many. Not knocking it..do you. Call me antiquated though because I can’t get with a person that like a gazillion folks at a time…how can you get to the heart of knowing what you want if there are always so many options. Fine, narrow your choices but I still (and in my experience) can’t concentrate on one and whether I want that one, unless it’s down to one and there’s one on one time with that one :)

Bradley

September 13th, 2011
9:52 am

If you are going on dates with others then “BYE BYE” All that screams to me is that you are a mooch wanting free meals and a slut! Not who I want to date!

Randyt (aka Been There, Done That, Got a Closet FULL of T-Shirts)

September 13th, 2011
9:55 am

I’ve read the arguments for juggling and they haven’t swayed me. I date one woman at a time, no more. I might tolerate the lady meeting previous commitments for the first few weeks, but after about two or three dates it is time to fish or cut bait. At that point we either proceed with exploring each other singly, or if I haven’t been convincing enough by then, bye it was nice meeting you.

Bottom line is by two or three dates, the parties should either be in or out (not saying permanent, but is the first step in the process toward commitment). My personal feeling. I don’t need keeping options open, there are plenty to go around.

Bradley

September 13th, 2011
9:56 am

And when was the last time any of you women picked up a bill on a date?????? Dating is just a free ride for you!

SlimUno

September 13th, 2011
9:57 am

I think with dudes, anything over ONE ‘mic’ is too many. Plus, since often times it is a man that pays for these dates, he might feel like just another sponsor if the girl he’s taking out, is being taken out by numerous other dudes. Just my guess

Randyt (aka Been There, Done That, Got a Closet FULL of T-Shirts)

September 13th, 2011
9:59 am

@ SlimNu …right!!!

Randyt (aka Been There, Done That, Got a Closet FULL of T-Shirts)

September 13th, 2011
10:03 am

And I have to admit, I don’t like sharing my toys with other guys. (and not saying women are toys to me, they aren’t). To me a juggler is sending a message to me that I’m not enough. Hey, I am fine with that, I’ll move on and open up a date for someone else on your dance card.

SexyCool

September 13th, 2011
10:04 am

No one wants to feel like they are just an option…especially when they are willing to make you a priority.

As I grew and matured, my ego and sense of self worth would not allow me to indefinitely remain in the rotation.

Randyt (aka Been There, Done That, Got a Closet FULL of T-Shirts)

September 13th, 2011
10:06 am

And for the record, I make this clear, if not before, at least when the relationship becomes physical. Just not in to sport effing. Fooling around for sure, probably dating someone else also even is “one strike and you’re out” for me after any feelings begin to enter the picture.

Sensual Chic

September 13th, 2011
10:08 am

This is interesting b/c I am currently seeing a guy that is a date juggler. He told me after he realized that I was catching feelings that he saw other people…so that I was aware. My type personality, is to date one guy at a time…b/c after the first date or so. I know if I like them or if there is a connection, etc. So a couple of weeks ago – I told him that maybe I should start seeing other people too since he was…but since I told him that he did like a 360 and made sure he spent every available time that I had with me. Leaving, no room/time for me to see any body else.

He doesn’t want to be in a relationship just yet and neither do I…he said that he wants to be just friends and see where it goes b/c the minute you put a title on it that’s when people have issues. I’m cool with things the way they are now…b/c we are both open and honest with one another. So, we shall see where this goes.

…and honestly I don’t think it would be fair if I were to start dating someone else b/c I really like him and to date someone else – while having feelings for someone else is not good…and not fair to them in my opinion.

Randyt (aka Been There, Done That, Got a Closet FULL of T-Shirts)

September 13th, 2011
10:09 am

Sorry, this is an important subject for me. For those who ssuggest you have to date a lot to make sure you are choosing the best, I have to ask, “at the same time???”. I wish I could remember half of the names of the ladies I have dated, there have been many, but almost all were one at a time.

(Okay Randy, let it go, you are getting too worked up).

Leggs

September 13th, 2011
10:09 am

Good morning.

How many prospects should you try to take on at one time in dating? – maybe 2.

Gotta go. Have a great day.

Take 2

September 13th, 2011
10:11 am

I guess I qualify as a “juggler” b/c I am dating two men. I like them both and I am really conflicted about who I should “settle” down with. They are completely different but thats what I love about them. If I could merge them they would create my ideal man. I digress. The longer I see them both the harder it is to choose. They both desire to be in exclusive relationships. I’m not sure what I’m going to do. I feel a deadline is approaching.

Randyt (aka Been There, Done That, Got a Closet FULL of T-Shirts)

September 13th, 2011
10:13 am

@ Take 2, I am curious about what they are thinking. Any clues, resentment, etc.???

Bradley

September 13th, 2011
10:15 am

Its not competitive nature… there are many women out there… and as much as it may piss you off we judge you by how good you are in bed… if im gonna spend the rest of my life and money with you i want to have good sex! PERIOD! Besides if you were aware that I was also seeking carnal relations with another woman would you really want to be with ME? Dating for men is spending money in the hopes of getting laid! We fall in love, but it is usually with someone we have known for a while and are friends with. Dating is just expensive foreplay!

czBrat

September 13th, 2011
10:15 am

so i’m hearing most say that dating multiples “indefinitely” and after “catching feelings” is not a good thing. i agree. completely. we’re talking about getting to know someone. if you and (s)he haven’t even determined how strong the connection is, how do you frown on that person for going out with someone else? i’d say you should be at least three dates in before you have that ‘exclusive’ convo … and unless you’re seeing each other every night, that third date could be a month out. are you really going to have a hissy fit because the other person may have gone out once or twice during that month?

czBrat

September 13th, 2011
10:17 am

see. that right there at 10:11. that’s not what i’m advocating.

abc

September 13th, 2011
10:18 am

Yes, the serial dater is a deal breaker. If you’re not concentrating on one at a time, then you’re not worth the time and effort.

kimmie

September 13th, 2011
10:19 am

Morning All!

I was never good at the juggling thing. There were one or 2 times when I had 2 options to choose from around the same time. After one date with each I knew which I wanted to concentrate on. Usually the type of guy I went for was like-minded – not a juggler. On most occasions with me, I would have done alot of talking prior to the first date, so really there was a kind of connection already. During this time I would find out if they were dating others. If they were already seeing someone most likely we would remain phone buddies. Guys that lead with “I’m seeing others” usually ended up being the player type, in my experience. Cool, but not for me.

dan

September 13th, 2011
10:19 am

Sensual he didnt expect that response he wanted to keep you in his stack of cards. The reason he told you that he was dating other people was because he was about to replace you and the new girl he thought he was getting fell through or because up to that point in your relationship you hadnt given him sex. He is spending more time with you now because now you are giving him sex.

Exiled!

September 13th, 2011
10:20 am

Dating does not equal Fking?

that’s bullshizle for the most part. It means u either kinda confused or u don’t know what u talking about. Why do I say so?
Because for the most part u not going to accept to go out on a date with someone u are not feeling. Unless u looking for entertainment/dinner/lunch sponsorship. Juggling would then mean u have 2,3,4 guys that u like and want to put on some dating test. That’s confusion or greedy or thirst,whatever u wanna call it.

As a guy,yes I would decline to take her out unless ofcourse if I also just wanna smash,grab and run.

If she’s stupid but honest enough to tell me she’s juggling,then I make her a short term project!
It’s a win win!
Good morning!

InTheTrenches

September 13th, 2011
10:20 am

There are a number of guys out there, including myself, who would rather be in a monogamous relationship. I too would not deal with a lady, correction: woman, who wanted to date others. It takes time, energy, and effort into getting to know one person so why would someone spread themselves thin in such a manner? The only reason I can think of is that they are indecisive and not really serious about a relationship. I’m good on that myself.

Randyt (aka Been There, Done That, Got a Closet FULL of T-Shirts)

September 13th, 2011
10:20 am

@ czbrat LOL, seems like my second and third date with someone comes in just days (the last one compressed three into about the first 24 hours ;-) If stretched over a month, I would agree, depending on the amount of communications between the personal appearances. In the last five years it seems like my relationships develop at hyperspeed…and end just as quickly LOL

kimmie

September 13th, 2011
10:23 am

Sen Chick – Is he still dating others? He’s taking up all your time so you can’t, but that still doesn’t mean he’s dropped his rotation. Folks find a way to do what they want.