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Dating: Do you ask about their finances?

What would you do if the person you are dating are showing signs of financial instability? Maybe you notice their lack of frugality or their excessive spending. Or maybe you are with them when their credit card was declined.

I read somewhere about a young woman who was on a first date with a guy and his card was declined. She didn’t judge him by this incident and they are now married. If she dumped him because of this embarrassing snafu, she could have thrown away her chance of happiness!

So what is the best approach in paying attention to your date’s money management? Is it something you should inquire about? If you notice something awry, do you bring it up?

Do you (or should you) ask about a person’s financial plan when you are dating? Should you wait until you are in a relationship to bring it up or would that be too late?

How important is it to date someone who is smart about money?

Just curious: What would you do if you went on a date and their credit card was declined?

By Wise Diva, Misadventures in Atlanta Dating Blog

315 comments Add your comment

burntb42

September 8th, 2011
7:37 am

Definitely an important question. But when to raise it depends on the couples view of their finances and how they handle their own individual personal finances. Many people are very secretive about disclosing their financial situation to anyone, even their loved ones. Paying attention to how your partner handles situations where money is involved would provide a great clue to how they will probably act in the future.

Rev. Dave

September 8th, 2011
8:18 am

Timing will be essential when discussing this. I advise caution. You need to be sure the relationship is going in a serious direction before you discuss this. It is much more important to determine their character and how open is their heart first. A person with poor character and a lot of money can cause problems just like a person who hates themselves will end up hurting you.

One Love

September 8th, 2011
8:18 am

If the card was declined once, I would intervene and pay, if it was declined a second time on another date, they will never have another opportunity to present one again…gone in 60 seconds…

Pamela

September 8th, 2011
8:38 am

It’s a great time to ask someone you are dating about finances. The majority of times Men will lie about their finances. There are many other ways of finding out how much a person makes in a year. You can also tell by the way they dress. I once dated this boy..yes I meant to say boy…who was 39 at the time and he always wore pants that looked like he purchased them on a slave plantation somewhere. He was very cheap…so I dumped him… :) His idea of a fun time was watching t.v. shows at his home. He was very cheap..that’s why I dumped him…at least part of the reason… :)

Leggs

September 8th, 2011
8:52 am

Good morning, good morning!

“…a young woman who was on a first date with a guy and his card was declined. She didn’t judge him by this incident – Nor should she have. Stuff happens.

If I’m in the company of someone and I repeatedly witness bad money management, I will say something but some time will have had to pass and our relationship had to be progressing.

Fion

September 8th, 2011
9:02 am

Just an FYI, most guys with real money won’t lead with it and definitely won’t lie about it.
Matter of fact, if I have real money that’s the last thing I want you to know early on in the relationship.

Simple Man....

September 8th, 2011
9:08 am

Morning Fam!!! Looks like I might be able to stay and play for a while today ;)

On topic…Until she is ready to start paying some of these bills, Its none of her damn business how much I make or what my finances are….That being said, I have never had to face the prospect of acredit card being declined or anything like that but even so, a really smart person once told me to never always have enough cash in your pocket to pay for your date.To that end, whenever I go out, I always stop by the ATM first :) :)

♫♪

September 8th, 2011
9:10 am

ZZZZZzzzzzz….

LeeH1

September 8th, 2011
9:10 am

Pamela said, “The majority of times Men will lie about their finances.”

I’ve got news for you, Pamela, that men often lie about sex, money and relationships. Ya know what? So do women! There is no difference between the sexes when it comes to lying about these things.

Quit bashing men!

Got the bitter. Where's the sweet?

September 8th, 2011
9:10 am

Paying close attention to how a person acts with money will save you a lot of heartache and stress. I wish someone would have schooled me. I would have known or maybe been more aware that the man I thought I was marrying was really a little boy on the inside when it came to finances. I can accept that times are hard, he cannot. What a person does when a lot turns into a little can be a realtionship maker or breaker.

Oh, Good Morning….should have said that first :-)

Amia

September 8th, 2011
9:11 am

These topics have been hitting home with me lately. I guess I have a question for everyone, I am currently underemployed. I used to make $20k more per year. I don’t have a horrible salary now, but once you have made more, saved more, spent more, it’s hard to be reduced. I have been feeling like the new guy I am dating may not understand. Perhaps it’s just the pressure I put on myself. It’s not so bad that I would have a card declined but I don’t have nearly the money to splurge on things anymore. Humbling experience to say the least. Would a man be bothered by my situation?

Simple Man....

September 8th, 2011
9:18 am

Amia, it should not be an issue..unless the guy you are dating has his hand in your pocket….

Carina

September 8th, 2011
9:23 am

If you are contemplating marriage with your SO then you ABSOLUTELY need to know their financial status, ESPECIALLY that FICO score. Let’s be real, you take on the debt of your SO when you get married so you better know what you are signing up for before you get hitched. One thing that is guaranteed to cause serious strain in a marriage is lack of money. If you’re just dating though all you need to be doing is observing how your SO is with money. That is one thing on a list of things that will determine how deep the relationship goes. All I can say for myself is that if we are talking marriage I want to have everything on the table so I can make an informed decision.

Leggs

September 8th, 2011
9:30 am

“never always have enough cash,” SimpleM…alrighty then (lol).

@Amia ~ a “man would not be bothered by your situation. If he can’t appreciate the fact that you have a job, your bills are being paid, you aren’t leaning on him for financial support, then he’s not the man for you!

GlammourGirl

September 8th, 2011
9:37 am

@Pamela…I don’t think the way someone dresses determines how they are with money. Someone can have on expensive labels from head to toe and still be broke…maxed out credit cards, living paycheck to paycheck. One of my friends met a guy and on their first few dates he dressed like a bum and drove a hooptie. She stuck around though because he was a nice guy. Turns out, he was just dressing like that to see how she would react. He came out with the real him…with nice clothes, nice cars, and nice salary to match. Clothes mean nothing.

Fion

September 8th, 2011
9:41 am

@Amia
“Would a man be bothered by my situation?”

Aye Amia, this ain’t about the Man it’s about you. First things first.Sounds like you’ve wrapped your identity into your Old Job. Stop that.
Just remember a Job / Career is just that a Job / Career. It should not be who you are.

czBrat

September 8th, 2011
9:45 am

HiYas!

LMAO @ simple. and amen @ GG!

as bitter/sweet said, i’m always paying attention. but i’m not going to ask about your $$ mgmt. if we get in DEEP, then those things will be on the table. and you can best believe my questions and suggestions will be based on what i’ve already seen during our time together.

OT: blogettes, brat got her boot fix on early this morning. :)

http://www.victoriassecret.com/ss/Satellite?ProductID=1265564187987&c=Page&cid=1265568934759&pagename=vsdWrapper

Amia

September 8th, 2011
9:52 am

Thank you all. Fion, I agree. My family tells me the same thing, but I thought I would ask a group of people who are truly unbiased. Guess I am a work in progress. :) Thanks again.

hazel

September 8th, 2011
9:59 am

on our first date, my future husband’s wallet was mistakenly left in his car. I paid for everything that day! Dinner, dessert, drinks etc etc. I didn’t judge him and I won the test. I would have missed out on a great person, If I would have choose to never see him again.

MsMarriedUp

September 8th, 2011
10:00 am

Really? What’s the difference… today a millionaire…five years later broke. Or, how about today broke as hell, and HELLO Doll, a year later you’re rolling in it.

That credit decline thing brings to mind an incident however …when this gentleman who myself and a few others were out dining with had his card declined. You had to see the horror on his face…I mean he had one of them AMEX’s that signals a King is in the house…and this waiter comes back over to the table to lean in his ear and whisper, “Sorry, would you like to use another card?”

Turned out to be a joke, since half the evening he’d been teasing the waiter who thought to pay him back. But oh man, you had to see that face!!! LOL! FUNNNEE

Fion

September 8th, 2011
10:01 am

U alright baby Girl. it’s a recession going on. :) Stay in the game and keep pitching. You’re guaranteed get one over the plate for a strike.

Leggs

September 8th, 2011
10:09 am

Those boots are TIGHT! I have on a shirt dress today that a pair of black boots would have really set it off just right!!

hazel

September 8th, 2011
10:12 am

@ GlammourGirl

Great example. In a Ebony article few months back, there was a similar real life example of how a man met his wife. He had money yet didn’t want to show it off in the beginning. His fiancee only found out of his wealth when he proposed with a big diamond.

So I think that finances matter but that can change any day.. Also, what it may seem like could not be the case.

Fion

September 8th, 2011
10:14 am

@ Leggs
Ooooh! la la. Oui Oui madame’.

SlimNu

September 8th, 2011
10:19 am

Leggs

September 8th, 2011
10:25 am

Mr_NYC

September 8th, 2011
10:32 am

Morning all – hello to my Bronx peeps, Breaking Bad fans and rest of the fellas
Finances should be discussed in the natural course of things. And not just for adverse circumstances but even just for money management styles and views on money. Some of our views and “hangups” come from our background and influences that we may not be aware of. Money and values cross paths in the strangest ways. There are even some who have spiritual beliefs that affect their view of money. Can you live with their financial “baggage” in that respects? For example, some are not comfortable with wealth. Others may not have had it and don’t know how to preserve it. Lots to discuss and date occasion observations open the door to this discussion.

Leggs

September 8th, 2011
10:38 am

“How important is it to date someone who is smart about money?” At the stage I am in my life, this is very important to me. Been broke, still broke, was ride and die chick with broke dude, only to live a settled and content meager existence. I need more, and a financially stable man, or one working toward becoming stable is important. Throwing $$ around all willy nilly is a turn off. ISJ!

Celisea

September 8th, 2011
10:49 am

Who discusses finances while “just” dating? I mean I know that’s the right and responsible thing to say but truthfully I cannot recall once ever speaking with someone about their finances while casually dating. Without and unless something permanent is in view, why would you need to know their financial situation. If someone is asking you out or you asking them, I would think ahead of asking, the ability to handle yours is a given.

Does one need to be responsible and by a certain age have finances in order? Absolutely. IMO doing that or having accomplished that while dating would be the natural order of things.

Imma have to agree with Simple Man in this case. What I do with mine ain’t really your business and vice versa. Until and unless we move into exclusivity and beyond talking marriage and dual accounts, property, land, etc., what are we talking about?? But c’mon who sits down on date one or two or even three asking if their finances are in order??? C’moooon!!

czBrat

September 8th, 2011
10:55 am

i guess ♫♪ ain’t the only one snoozing on this topic.

Simple Man....

September 8th, 2011
10:56 am

It must be about to snow back in the “A” today!!! Celisea is in agreement with me!!!! LOL
( Note to self, Find a place to buy a lottery ticket RIGHT NOW!!!)

Oh… Morning Cel :D :) :D

Celisea

September 8th, 2011
10:58 am

And please understand, there were a couple where I knew of their financial situation and them mine but that was disclosed in the natural course of where the relationship went. It just ain’t cool asking folks over dinner….sooooo, what’s your account looking like….ahead of knowing their middle name, their mama’s maiden name and their street address.

This issue and so many others IMO and for me have happened within the natural course and growth of the relationship. Frankly I give a side eye to someone that’s asking too much too soon. You just worry about hanging in there and Imma tell you all you need to know in due time as well as giving you what you need….as we progress.

Celisea

September 8th, 2011
11:01 am

He there Simple Man.. Stop it with the snow…lol Since you mentioned it, ummm can you let me hold a little something if you win??

Celisea

September 8th, 2011
11:02 am

And if we encounter an snafu, it would only be fair to give you the benefit of the doubt :)

Celisea

September 8th, 2011
11:04 am

a snafu not an snafu

oneofeach4me

September 8th, 2011
11:05 am

I agree with Simple and Celisea. Finances are something that should just be discussed naturally and I say beware of anyone asking about it too soon. Part of a relationship benefit is learning from each other, and sometimes, people need to be shown how to manage money. Sometimes people don’t realize their spending habits are part of their struggle. Mismanagement of money is an issue, but it’s also something that can be a learned habit that is unlearned. Finances should not be a deal breaker. Now not having any ambition or drive to obtain funds…. that’s different.

czBrat

September 8th, 2011
11:08 am

lol @ celisea. there are guys i dated for YEARS but we never got into each other’s wallet. simply put, that was not the “natural course” we were on.

Celisea

September 8th, 2011
11:16 am

Exact czBrat and oneofeach4me….exactly

kimmie

September 8th, 2011
11:17 am

Morning All!

Simple – How are you liking Denver? One of my best friends was stationed up there for awhile and I went to visit. Beautiful place!

On topic – I agree, casual dating does not lend itself to knowing each others personal financial business. Just be able to afford whatever outings you are asking me out on and it’s all good. Now once things begin to get serious, yes I believe in the natural course. Part of this is observing, paying attention to what’s going on. I dated a guy that was horrible with money, which I discovered a year in. One bank shut down his checking account and twice his card was declined when we were out. Once when out with friends he “left” his wallet in the car. I knew it was because he was broke. I payed for drinks and we made up an excuse and left before ordering dinner. It was embarassing and the last straw. He blew all his money on video games and trying to keep up with the Jones. It was a horrible experience I hope I never face again.

My husband is excellent with money, so that’s not an issue at all, thank God.

Oh, and the chick that didn’t dump dude because his card was declined? Not a big deal. I had one declined a few months ago – someone had gotten hold of it and made hundreds of dollars of fraudulent charges. So she didn’t do anything that great. Now if it kept happening and she stayed with him, then that’s on her if he turned out to be a dud!

SlimNu

September 8th, 2011
11:30 am

O/T for the fellas: Do guys generally joke around about going to the courthouse if they aren’t at least somewhat thinking about actually getting married?

Leggs

September 8th, 2011
11:32 am

Cold cut artist is Mya (404) 741-1075

Leggs

September 8th, 2011
11:37 am

I just spoke to Carol Blackmon and she said “how the heck do you keep getting through, I think I need to come to your office and inspect your phone!” Of course, I couldn’t claim the prize. Just wanted to make sure I had the right answer.

kimmie

September 8th, 2011
11:37 am

Leggs what did you win the last time?

Leggs

September 8th, 2011
11:38 am

Quick fingers, that’s all, quick fingers.

Leggs

September 8th, 2011
11:39 am

Isley Brothers, El DeBarge, Carl Thomas, and some comedian tix. Concert hosted by Idris Elba.

Fion

September 8th, 2011
11:39 am

Leggs, what are the fantasy 5 #’s for today????

Exiled!

September 8th, 2011
11:41 am

Do u guys joke….courthouse…getting married?

Slim got butterflies

Slim got butterflies!

Slim got butterflies!

Slim got butterflies!

(it’s a new dance tune)

On topic:

Topic is shallow,vane and immature!

Fion

September 8th, 2011
11:41 am

@Slim
That’s a pick’em. Just depends on how you two joke and play.

Leggs

September 8th, 2011
11:42 am

Too funny, Fion. The numbers haven’t been kind to me. But, I firmly believe/feel my time is a coming…

SlimNu

September 8th, 2011
11:42 am

Looks like they’ve blocked ga lotto page here at work this week. WACK!