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Wanted: Housewife in Atlanta

A friend of mine just got engaged and her fiance asked her to work on ending her career. She loves him very much but said that she is having a hard time wrapping her mind around the concept of housewife.

She fears her existence will become about shopping and domestic work. Clearly her idea of housewife is a bit distorted. I wondered why being a housewife seems so unappealing to women today?

Although my mother was a career woman, she seemed to enjoy caring for the family and my Dad. The thought of being a stay at home Mom or housewife sounds pretty awesome to me, personally. I believe there can be joy found in having a career or being a housewife.

What do you think of the idea of a woman leaving her career to please her husband? Is it unfair for men to want a housewife?

Guys, would you ever ask or want your wife to leave her job or career? What if she really enjoyed working?

By Wise Diva, Misadventures in Atlanta Dating Blog

243 comments Add your comment

Randyt (aka Been There, Done That, Got a Closet FULL of T-Shirts)

September 7th, 2011
7:42 am

I would much prefer a potential spouse work two jobs so I could stay home ;-)

(until about two days of daytime television had driven me batty…daytime tv turns one’s mind to mush).

Lions and Tigers and Bears.

September 7th, 2011
8:03 am

On Topic: At least be in agreement before the marriage.

Back to me: Do you guys believe in love at first sight…lord it has taken me forever to break the spell of my ex and even notice another man….anywhoo…while leaving a store last week, this man walks up to me, extends his hand and introduces himself…dorky me was trying to get my flip flop on straight…when I looked up and saw the most beautiful human with big (as in huge) hands. I was speechless…he was chocolate and fine. I think if it had been anyone else it would have been just a little creepy. He gave me his card while I fumbled and couldnt find mine. before I knew it the pleasentries were over and he was off. I went home and asked God if I could have him. His presence was truly a gift,a sign that I am ready to move on! Btw – No I have not called him..yet!

CoolShadow

September 7th, 2011
8:11 am

Guys, would you ever ask or want your wife to leave her job or career? What if she really enjoyed working?

That would be a joint decision, provided that 1) their BOTH on board with that decision 2) the husband has the financial resources to still cover his family’s financial responsibilities and 3) they’re BOTH willing to make those kind of sacrifices if her departure from the workforce puts a serious dent in their income. I dated someone a long time ago who I thought might make that kind of decision unilaterally and still demand to maintain a certain lifestyle without any thought to the financial implications. Fortunately, that relationship ran its course…

Otherwise, I’d be curious to know what their family earning ratio is (i.e., 50% him/50% her, 60/40, etc.) and if she’s the superior breadwinner I’m wondering if that’s really about a control issue. Key to having control of anything is having economic control of the situation.

Kimmy

September 7th, 2011
8:31 am

I think it is wonderful to have the option (if it is financially possible) to be able to be home. The first year after having a child would be nice, but I doubt that I would want to stay home forever. Once the kids are older there is nothing to do all day. I would probably throw myself into another activity like charity work so I doubt I would be home anyway given the option. I think I just like the idea that me and my spouse are a team. We build, save, and grow together. I like knowing I am contributing to our home, wealth, and retirement plan.

karin

September 7th, 2011
8:42 am

Be careful, SOME men will think they have all the control if you are not making your own money.

Tom

September 7th, 2011
8:48 am

My wife can’t wait to get to stay home and raise kids. She’s a big advocate of home schooling our future children; (I’m not in favor of home school.)

This issue is very delicate. As a man, I want a woman who will work to help provide her part at least for a little bit. But when women are so focused on their career to the point where they don’t care about anything else, it becomes a problem. (This is a result of the women’s lib movement.)

I agree with the article, the view of a housewife is a bit unrealistic. My wife and I don’t have the means to live like the women on these shows. But you see a lot of these housewife “types” not paying attention to their kids, having babysitters raise them, and off gallivanting around town. It makes me sick to go near buckhead anymore. These women are supposed to be women, not some wannabe 23 yr old slut.

This is why the younger generation is in big trouble. Young girls see their mom wearing slutty clothing and acting inappropriately.

Randyt (aka Been There, Done That, Got a Closet FULL of T-Shirts)

September 7th, 2011
8:50 am

On Topic:

In my marriage, my wife stayed home for both of our first two children. My income grew enough to take care of the loss of hers. When she returned to teaching after our third child, my income seemed to fall (was in sales) to the point where the combined income was similar. Go figure.

Celisea

September 7th, 2011
8:58 am

Good morning,

Wow Randyt, I didn’t realize you had kids.

Whatever works for the both as a couple. I wouldn’t be opposed to it. I think it’s nice for kids to see mom when they leave for school and have mom at home when they returned. Honestly had I been “priviledged” enough to have that opportunity I would have taken it. Don’t get me wrong this “career” thing ain’t been all bad but IMO and mainly for the sake of the kids I would do it.

My kid use to be tickled pink on the days she could get off the church van at home rather than daycare. Snack ready, dinner cooking, the house warm and cozy (if cold) oooor, as soon as she got off the van on my days off we could head out early and do whatever the evening called for.

Yeah I would do it for my kid(s)’ sake more than anything.

Leggs

September 7th, 2011
9:00 am

Good morning, everyone!

@Tom ~ you need to clarify your statement and say “some young girls….”

I have a young child and there’s nothing slutty about my attire!

I don’t “think” I would mind being a stay at home mom, but the financial resources must be in place where one paycheck can cover household expenses, as well as living expenses. Personally, a two-family paycheck simply may/should afford a better life. I wouldn’t want to simply cook, clean, watch the children. I would still have to have my own identity and my own outside interests. Not only that, I need to control my own life and be free to do things I want to do without the constant permission of my working husband because he has all the money.

Celisea

September 7th, 2011
9:00 am

You okay Tom?

Augusta

September 7th, 2011
9:01 am

IN A HEARTBEAT!!!!! I would LOVE to stay home with the kids. I would LOVE an empty house when everyone leaves for the day…..I would to set my own schedule, and NOT have to sit in traffic, put up with a horrible boss, make minimal pay. No, if Mr. Right came along right now and said, Baby you never have to work a day in your life,,,,,,Oh, I’d quit my job right then and there.

Now, all this is provided HE makes a ton of money, and we won’t struggle!!!!!

Celisea

September 7th, 2011
9:02 am

Now, given I ain’t no spring chicken but still in my child bearing years :) ….if a dude wanted me to bear a child I would but I’d have to be awfully in love and smitten. Yeah it takes a lot to get me there…I mean he’s gotta be allllllllllllllllllllll that and then some. No, seriously I would but at this age and stage and point in my life those are the only circumstances I would bear his child…staying home :mrgreen:

Tom

September 7th, 2011
9:07 am

I apologize for offending anyone.

oneofeach4me

September 7th, 2011
9:14 am

When my daughter was born, her father was still in school so I went right back to work 6 weeks PP. Fast forward 5 years later when my son was born, the degree he got allowed me to stay at home with my son for the first 6 months. At 6 months I eased back into the work force working as a part time contractor. I really loved staying home with the kids, but after a while something was missing. Oh… I know… my independence. My identity. So I am with Leggs on this one… I can do it, as long as I can still have something for me. I don’t want to ask permission to get a mani/pedi when I want one. And being that I don’t just take without asking.. well… I need my own money.

It’s cool to live the domestic life, but I think that working part time or having your own small little business at the same time is even better. It was the best of both worlds for me. I sure wish I could do it now, but due to the economy, I am now the sole bread winner. Go figure.

Into the Light

September 7th, 2011
9:20 am

Morning, all.

If it was the best choice for our family, I’d be all for it. But, like Leggs and oneofeach4me said, it would be critical to find a way to maintain my identity and independance.

Randyt (aka Been There, Done That, Got a Closet FULL of T-Shirts)

September 7th, 2011
9:20 am

@ Celisea…yeah, I have three wonderful kids, any one of which I could/would walk out in front of a truck for without batting an eye. As crappy as my marriage was, without her, I wouldn’t have them and I never forget that. All things happen for a purpose. Wait long enough and you WILL see the fingerprints on the glass.

MzNewy

September 7th, 2011
9:23 am

I can’t do it. I love the balance that I have going on. I love my kids, husband and family time but I also love my career. No one loses out. I don’t work overtime, I am at my sons events, spend adequate time with all family (even extended) and we have the means to save. We chose to live off one paycheck and this enables us to do this. When I was laid off two years ago, I stayed home for 6 months, took my time finding the right opportunity. I was bored to tears after the 3rd month and began aggressively looking for a job. It takes a special woman to be a fulltime housewife.

Randyt (aka Been There, Done That, Got a Closet FULL of T-Shirts)

September 7th, 2011
9:25 am

Sidebar with ITL, CMR is not getting a lot of love in the GA blogs right now. Ouch. Four years ago, maybe one post in ten wanted him fired and nine supported him. Now it is reversed. Like the last years of Phil Fulmer.

SlimUno

September 7th, 2011
9:26 am

Even though the short-term thought of not HAVING to get up everyday to go to a job sounds nice at first, I think it would get old quick. I would not want to depend on my spouse giving me an allowance based on what he felt I should have and how I should spend it. I would not desire to have someone else have that much control over me. The only time I’ve not worked was when I was laid off for 13months and it was the pits for me. I couldn’t do what I wanted, had to lean on family & friends and struggled with my independence and self-worth at the time. Aint but so much cleaning and cooking I can do w/o losing my mind. If it was temporary, say after having a kid, then I could be okay w/that but I’d want to get back to work eventually

Amia

September 7th, 2011
9:26 am

I would love to hear from more men on this subject. How do they feel about a housewife? I can imagine being there for my children and having the house together for my family. I cannot imagine doing that long term though. My mom took off the first few years of me and my brother when we babies/toddlers then went back to work. I can imagine doing that.

george

September 7th, 2011
9:29 am

if a woman, or a man, gets little or no emotional or economic satisfaction from having a career, then if their spouse wants a stay at home mate it might make sense. i would only have considered it if my spouse provided me with no strings attached the equivalent of 30% of my previous earnings for savings and investment purposes and had 10x earnings in life insurance and comprehensive disability insurance to protect our family income would i consider it. i cannot imagine my wife or either of my daughters in law doing it because they spent years developing their medical skills and as researchers contribute so much to society. i also would not like to lose women in politics because they stayed at home. golda meir, margaret thatcher, sandra day-oconnor, liddy dole, nancy pelosi, sarah palin, nikki haley, michelle bachmann all contribute to our nation as do the millions of married teachers, health care workers etc. who make this country what it is.

MzNewy

September 7th, 2011
9:31 am

Good morning everyone!

My manners slipped earlier…oops…

Hey Slim *waving*

Work and life has had me bogged down but I missed you guys.

Raqi

September 7th, 2011
9:31 am

“Getting permission” from the marido is a non-issue for me. That’s not how it is. I am a grown woman. However planning my want-to-do’s around the needs of the babies is where the happenings are.

Being a “real” housewife measures far above being a “Real Housewife of (?????)”. The two are not to even be compared. What I do is far more rewarding. And it’s not for everyone that’s for sure. The couple has to be very trusting of the each other.

Number one rule to being a “real and productive” housewife is to not entertain daily chat rooms, (LOL) because I found it to be a grave distraction. Fun while it lasted but I cannot deny that it took me away from more important things that I should have been doing.

Yall be good. :wink:

The man formerly know as Dan - still...Superior

September 7th, 2011
9:35 am

@The “independent” ladies

Do you think your husband would go out and buy a car without discussing it with you?

Do you think your husband would let a bill not get paid?

I mean, this whole notion of “independence” is silly in the way y’all are mentioning it. You’re married, you no longer have any indepedence (secret: neither does he).

Stop with feeling like you are in some way lessened by asking someone for anything, least of all your husband.

If dude would make you feel like you’re some kind of burden, then you prolly should have done your due diligence. Otherwise, marriage is about the marriage, when it becomes about the individual over the marriage – it’s done already.

Reio

September 7th, 2011
9:38 am

Wonder why he waited till after the marriage proposal to spring this on her? She should call the wedding off, if she wants to be happy, cause even if he relents and gives up on this idea, over time, it will come up again for sure. Can’t trust this guy.

Leggs

September 7th, 2011
9:38 am

Hello, Ms. Raqi! How are you doing? You have been missed. Hope all is well with you and your family.

Randyt (aka Been There, Done That, Got a Closet FULL of T-Shirts)

September 7th, 2011
9:40 am

@ Amia, there are good and bad aspects of both scenarios. I absolutely do think that children receive more nurturing from a stay at home mom vs. a daycare center. However, anyone who has actively been involved with children knows that it is a 28-30 hour a day job with little or no letup. (28 hours because you never get it all done in 24).

That said, I think the woman’s self esteem in some instances suffers greatly…thus the term “Desperate Housewives”. When and if the mom allows herself to be drawn into the Montels, the Jerry Springer, and other daytime TV freak shows, it (I truly believe) begins to have an impact on the psyche of the woman. The times I have stayed home (excess vacation days etc.) I was climbing the walls after I realized that I had already heard the same news or sports story 4 or 5 times. It turns one’s mind to mush. It is easy then for women to begin the early germination of “am I happy?” questions, and those questions WILL manifest themselves in the lady’s relationships, maritally and as a mother.

The lady is damned if she does and damned if she doesn’t…unless she has the financial ability to become a typical Dunwoody tennis maven while the Nanny raises her kids and sleeps with her husband.

Leggs

September 7th, 2011
9:42 am

I would love to be a stay at home now. Her Senior year, no bus transportation is proving to be a struggle to get her home from school every day. It would be lovely if I was home during this last year.

oneofeach4me

September 7th, 2011
9:44 am

@Dan ~ I agree. It’s not necessarily and independence thing for me, or maybe it is, I don’t know. I just know that I like having a little money on the side for myself, just as he does.

And FYI, I have always been the one to pay the bills even when he was the sole provider. To me, buying a car is an investment so it should be discussed as a couple. But my mani/pedi, new dress or heels is not a necessity, it is a desire for me. That’s all. Nothing against the relationship nor the man. Just my personal preference.

Celisea

September 7th, 2011
9:44 am

Randyt – I feel you on loving the kids. I’d walk through fire with gasoline drawers on for mine :)

I don’t really get the “need a distraction” if one stayed home. Wouldn’t tending the kids and home be distraction enough? IMO anything can be treated like a business. Run the household like any business. That in and of itself is a handful. Bills, chores aligned, extracirricular for the kids, cooking, etc. Seriously, if it’s account put the bills on a ledger and do it all, ins outs (incoming monies, expenditures,etc). You want to take pole dancing class while the kids are gone, heck do that too. Those are just my thoughts though :)

Into the Light

September 7th, 2011
9:46 am

Sidebar with Randyt: I love CMR, and think he’s a class act all the way. Unfortunately, class doesn’t win ball games. I think the perception among a majority of the Bulldog nation is that he doesn’t have the passion and drive necessary to instill the same in his players and win ball games. Then, too, folks wonder how it is that Bobo is still there calling plays. You and I both know, it’s quick topple from the pedastal if you post a losing record and don’t take the (public) steps necessary to fix it.

Reio

September 7th, 2011
9:46 am

Leggs – Sounds like Raqi( whoever she is ) is gone for good.

SlimUno

September 7th, 2011
9:47 am

MzNewy – waving back ;)

Leggs

September 7th, 2011
9:47 am

@Randyt ~ main reason I stopped watching the 11:00 news. It’s the same news at 6:00 am. Give or take a killing or two.

Eric

September 7th, 2011
9:48 am

Based on my upbringing and personal preference, I would want my wife to have a career and life outside the home. However, it should be both our decision, not just mine.

The man formerly know as Dan - still...Superior

September 7th, 2011
9:49 am

@one

You said “.. as long as I can still have something for me. I don’t want to ask permission to get a mani/pedi when I want one.”

If you’ve married a man that cares for you in anyway, your happiness is a important to him as his own (in some cases, moreso). So why would you feel any kinda way (reading your use of ‘permission’ as evidence of an unequal relationship) about saying “I want to go get a mani/pedi”.

That’s you projecting right there.

CoolShadow

September 7th, 2011
9:49 am

@Amia- I’d be cool with it just as long as she is. If she’s willing to sacrifice her earning potential, lifestyle and “independence” for the sake of raising the children, then it’s all good. I have my doubts about that if your household income isn’t in the top 10-15% of wage earners. Being a housewife used to be somewhat a given, now it’s a luxury or a major sacrifice for most families.

Into the Light

September 7th, 2011
9:51 am

@Dan: Independance is not just about money; it’s about maintaining an identity as a person, not just being known as Dan’s wife and/or little Johnny’s mom.

UGA 1999

September 7th, 2011
9:52 am

By far the most disgusting show on television.

Reio

September 7th, 2011
9:52 am

Into the Light – UGA is done. South Carolina will wipe them out as well. Drive west 0n I-20 to my home state. Alabama or Auburn would welcome angry Georgia fans. We win championships here. Stole Cam from you guys too.

UGA 1999

September 7th, 2011
9:56 am

Reio….you mean you bought Cam from us?

Randyt (aka Been There, Done That, Got a Closet FULL of T-Shirts)

September 7th, 2011
9:57 am

Several posters have hit upon another major topic…control issues. As one dates women who have been divorced and independent, women begin to take control issues, real or imagined, very seriously. I trip across these all the time in my dating arena. Women have been burned by men who controlled them and they damn sure aren’t going back. It is a very DELICATE subject.

Reio

September 7th, 2011
9:58 am

UGA 1999 – Perhaps UGA should do a little buying as well.

Raqi

September 7th, 2011
10:01 am

Want to get a mani/pedi or whatever other extracurricular activity as a non-working spouse? Have a personal weekly/monthly spending allowance cut out from the household finances and then just agree to what Saturday or Sunday he/she will be caring for the kiddies alone while you are away. LOL

Hello Leggs. All is splendid. Waiting for my equal half to come so we can do double duty pediatrician appointments that’s all. Busy, busy, busy.

oneofeach4me

September 7th, 2011
10:01 am

@Dan ~ Into said it better than I could. He would want be to have the mani/pedi, of course he would. IT’s in MY mind. Let me put it this way, hypothetically. He makes the money and it goes into a joint account. He wants to go out for lunch, or buy a shirt, or get a haircut, he doesn’t have to say anything because in his mind… he makes the money so he should be able to go buy himself those small things without “asking permission” or discussing it first. On the other hand, if it’s me, I would feel the need to just tell him, or discuss it, or say “I am gonna go get a mani/pedi, it’s about 50 bucks”. I just want to do it on my own, just as he would. That’s all. It has no bearing on the equality or the quality of the relationship.

czBrat

September 7th, 2011
10:01 am

HiYas!

i was able to work from home when my kids were young. so there was the benefit of my constant presence along with a steady (much needed) income.

s/o and i have agreed that i’ll be staying home working some income streams that we’re building. he will benefit by having a full-time, fastidious housekeeper, and i will be relieved of the daily traffic grind. woohoo!!!

i like mznewy’s 9:23. i seriously doubt i could stay home just for the sake of staying home. i have to have a fulfilling variety on my plate. blame it on my ADD. even if i didn’t work and allowed my hubs to be the sole financial provider, i’d absolutely have to fill my days with more than housework and volunteering. that could get a gal into some serious trouble. LOL.

Reio

September 7th, 2011
10:08 am

My wife And i have joint accounts. 95% of my earnings, that are spent, gets spent by her. 100% of her earnings that are spent, gets spent by her. So I know this, she knows this, and there is no problem. My earnings are theirs( her & kids) anyway. Just how I see it. Bills are paid, they are happy and provided for. I’m good.

abc

September 7th, 2011
10:09 am

I personally don’t care a bit if my wife contributes to household income or not. My interest is in that she gets to do what she wants to do. ‘Course, there’s no kids involved. If we had babies, I’d want her at home taking care of them.

If a wife wants to work, then fine, whether I really like it or not. For both of us, whatever the job is needs to NOT intrude into our personal lives, period. Our lives are much more important than some stupid job.

Leggs

September 7th, 2011
10:10 am

Glad to hear it, Raqi. Much love!

Randyt (aka Been There, Done That, Got a Closet FULL of T-Shirts)

September 7th, 2011
10:18 am

Reio has a good point. When I was married, my check went into the joint checking account and I never saw it again. I never had any money of my own until I got a divorce frankly (the $43 left after child support, house payments on the house I was kicked out of, and rent for my one BR weekly suite that the hooker lived in before me)…but I was free!!! What was mine was ours, what was hers was hers.