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Tough guys can’t show affection?

Call it one of those mars/venus conundrums: Women like strong men and they love affection. Trying to get affection from said strong man isn’t easy. Do you have to give up affection to be with the strong, alpha man type?

I received an email from a young lady who is happy with her “tough guy” but is not used to being in a relationship with no affection. I don’t believe that you can never expect anyone – especially men to change. The only thing you can do is let them know what bothers you and hope they care enough to compromise.

Guys are you a fan of affection or is it something that is difficult to give? Is it unfair to expect a guy who is tough and manly to be affectionate? In your opinion, tough guys can’t or won’t show affection?

Ladies have you ever dated someone who showed no affection until it was time to have sex? Did it bother you? How did you handle it?

By Wise Diva, Misadventures in Atlanta Dating Blog

142 comments Add your comment

Justme

September 6th, 2011
7:58 am

Once again showing that women want it all. They want you to change a basic character trait (showing emotion) and yet still be strong. One of the basis of being strong is also being confident in who/what you are. Not impossible, just not likely and still have a happy man (person) when you have changed to be something you are not.

thewindwhistler

September 6th, 2011
8:17 am

that is a great question. i really like it. now there are tough guys, cruel tough. They throw the cat out the window for scratching him. they grind the dogs head into the” little mistake” made on the rug.
now there are the tough, gentle kind. a guy that can stand his ground in a dangerous situation aND YET IS kind and patient with family. Soooooooo you really have to define what kind of tough guy we are talking about. Then there is the touigh-tough guy like Jimmy Cagney, who can knock the wife all the way across the room and she will come back and give him A KISS, and say thanks, i needed that.

JASon

September 6th, 2011
8:21 am

“The only thing you can do is let them know what bothers you and hope they care enough to compromise.”

How about you find someone who you like the way they are, and stop trying to change them.

Mike P

September 6th, 2011
8:45 am

WD – “I received an email from a young lady who is happy with her “tough guy” but is not used to being in a relationship with no affection.”

Are you serious? Is this an actual email you received? How can any woman be really “happy” being in a relationship without any affection from their mate/boyfriend/husband? I thought this stuff was suppose to be really important to women :-/

Amia

September 6th, 2011
9:10 am

Good Morning. Can’t believe the weekend is over. :( Anyway. Just because you are with an alpha male doesn’t mean he can’t show affection. An alpha man will act like a puppy when he cares for that person. Sounds like the emailer needs to re-evaluate whether or not he’s really that into her. She may be happy with the “idea” of a relationship rather than her actual relationship. I am not overly affectionate, but I don’t know any woman that would be truly happy without some type of affection and attention.

SlimNu

September 6th, 2011
9:13 am

Good dreary Tuesday folks,

The beau can be really affectionate at times and he can be very standoffish and nonaffectionate at other times. I struggle with the times he is a bit to himself but I suppose it helps me appreciate when he is lovey dovey. I know I could not deal with a non-affectionate type relationship and only being touchy feely when it came time for some sexual relations.

Into the Light

September 6th, 2011
9:39 am

Good morning, all!

I agree with Amia. Even the toughest alpha male can be a big old teddy bear, if he’s with a woman he’s really into.

A relationship without affection is not a relationship I’d have any interest in.

czBrat

September 6th, 2011
9:46 am

tough guys can’t or won’t show affection?
bullpucky!

HiYas!

as i’ve said before, all too often this blog reminds me that i am truly blessed. s/o is a definite alpha among males but melts into the pda with his favorite señorita.

and a happy dreary tuesday to you too, slimchica. :)

Lady Strange

September 6th, 2011
9:49 am

I spent way too long in a relationship with someone who wasn’t as affectionate as I needed them to be. Tried to make it work for years but it was never going to change. I am so much happier now with the man I am with now. I’m still trying to come back out of the shell I had built up around myself after so many years with someone who wasn’t right for me.

I think the emailer really needs to take another look at how happy they really are. If affection is important to them for a relationship then I really don’t see this working out for them in the long run.

Mr_NYC

September 6th, 2011
9:51 am

I guess some people operate under the assumption that toughness and affection cannot co-exist in the same individual which is obviously not the case. Certainly not necessary for either quality to be on overt display to be there.
Now that the point is settled.
Where are my Breaking Bad fans? And anyone else checking out the SOA season premiere tonight?

kimmie

September 6th, 2011
10:03 am

Morning! For it to be such a dreary morning, look like every station I turned to was playing tired music! Nothing upbeat or positive!

Mr NYC – Breaking Bad fan here!!! Oh my goodness, once again I was on the edge of my seat!!! What’s SOA?

On topic – I dated a guy once who was not affectionate at all, but I would not call him a tough guy. He was just cold. I couldn’t deal with him, so instead of doing the dreaded & collassal waste of time “hoping he would change”, I got ghost.

And yeah, if a dude, tough or not, is into you, most don’t have a problem showing affection. Or, there are people that are just not affectionate. It may stem from their childhood or some other issue. I started out not very affectionate. My mom pointed it out to me when she noticed it when I got older. I’m a lot better. My husband and the kids are very affectionate, and it is wonderful and sweet, and it brings it out of me.

Friend or Foe

September 6th, 2011
10:04 am

Morning,

Ladies have you ever dated someone who showed no affection until it was time to have sex?

Can’t say that I have. Other problems maybe but definitely never been with a man that could not be affectionate or possess passion or lacked the ability in showing desire. Nu uh…that’s been the least of my worries :)

SlimNu

September 6th, 2011
10:04 am

Let’s not forget the 5 love languages and maybe consider taking the test to see which is more important to you. If your beau, partner, spouse is not in line with you then you may want to reconsider…lol

Words of Affirmation
Actions don’t always speak louder than words. If this is your love language, unsolicited compliments mean the world to you. Hearing the words, “I love you,” are important—hearing the reasons behind that love sends your spirits skyward. Insults can leave you shattered and are not easily forgotten

Quality Time
In the vernacular of Quality Time, nothing says, “I love you,” like full, undivided attention. Being there for this type of person is critical, but really being there—with the TV off, fork and knife down, and all chores and tasks on standby—makes your significant other feel truly special and loved. Distractions, postponed dates, or the failure to listen can be especially hurtful

Receiving Gifts
Don’t mistake this love language for materialism; the receiver of gifts thrives on the love, thoughtfulness, and effort behind the gift. If you speak this language, the perfect gift or gesture shows that you are known, you are cared for, and you are prized above whatever was sacrificed to bring the gift to you. A missed birthday, anniversary, or a hasty, thoughtless gift would be disastrous—so would the absence of everyday gestures

SlimNu

September 6th, 2011
10:06 am

Acts of Service
Can vacuuming the floors really be an expression of love? Absolutely! Anything you do to ease the burden of responsibilities weighing on an “Acts of Service” person will speak volumes. The words he or she most want to hear: “Let me do that for you.” Laziness, broken commitments, and making more work for them tell speakers of this language their feelings don’t matter

Physical Touch
This language isn’t all about the bedroom. A person whose primary language is Physical Touch is, not surprisingly, very touchy. Hugs, pats on the back, holding hands, and thoughtful touches on the arm, shoulder, or face—they can all be ways to show excitement, concern, care, and love. Physical presence and accessibility are crucial, while neglect or abuse can be unforgivable and destructive

Test: http://www.5lovelanguages.com/assessments/love/

enjoy ;-)

Into the Light

September 6th, 2011
10:10 am

Slim:

Thanks for sharing. I like this, although I see a bit of myself in all five. Maybe we could add a 6th: all of the above. :) :)

Purple Reign

September 6th, 2011
10:10 am

Tough Guy here. On behalf of myself and other tough guys, we show affection when we are really into and comfortable with or woman. Being a tough guy has nothing to do with showing affection or emotions it’s all about a comfort level with the person we are with.

czBrat

September 6th, 2011
10:16 am

so basically the blog gents are affirming that, tough guy or not, if he’s not affectionate he’s just not that into you. :lol:

Celisea

September 6th, 2011
10:20 am

Rainy Monday morning…

Even so, long weekends always does a world of good for me.

IMO, a man that cannot show affection lacks maturity. It’s apart of being with a woman and “relating.” I definitely could not be with a man that was not affectionate. Nothing but a man of steel for me :mrgreen:

SlimNu

September 6th, 2011
10:21 am

ITL – I recall taking this test a few months ago and I can’t really remember what order of importance they were but I do know ‘receiving gifts’ was last. I’m probably more of a physical touch, verbal affirmations, acts of service, quality time, then gifts person…

Leggs

September 6th, 2011
10:21 am

Good morning.

czBrat

September 6th, 2011
10:25 am

slim, that site was one of the first things s/o guided me toward when we were getting to know each other. it has served us well to understand each other’s love language(s). probably not the most romantic way to approach building a relationship, but definitely useful.

hiya leggs!

Mo (aka Moeisha)

September 6th, 2011
10:28 am

SlimNu – I took that test prior to my divorce (part of the counseling). My #1 was Words of Affirmation followed by Quality Time. I actually thought it was a pretty good assessment. I think Acts of Kindness was last preceeded by Physical Touch/ Receiving Gifts .

Leggs

September 6th, 2011
10:28 am

Hey there, czB!!

I cannot imagine myself with someone who didn’t show me affection. It would make me very uncomfortable in that I’m the type that need affection and need to give affection.

SlimNu

September 6th, 2011
10:36 am

I’m the type that need affection and need to give affection.—> ME TOO ;-) I’m very affectionate once i have become comfortable with a person i’m dating. I like those playful love taps when you walk by, or those looks of dayum, when you walk around in a t-shirt and panties lol or random kisses on the back of the neck while you’re washing dishes…the little things

abc

September 6th, 2011
10:40 am

Everyone thinks I’m a tough guy except my wife. I think it’s an example of what others are saying about the toughest guy being the most gentle with a woman that he’s truly into.

Leggs

September 6th, 2011
10:43 am

@SlimNU ~ that’s exactly what I like. Love the kisses on the neck while doing dishes…I was with a couple this past Saturday that warmed my heart. They weren’t overly touchy feely, just right. It was good seeing them with their love pats, little smooches and hand holding.

Purple Reign

September 6th, 2011
10:46 am

I agree with abc fully.

Everyone remember it’s Tuesday not Monday. LOL you are almost halfway through the week.

SexyCool

September 6th, 2011
10:56 am

If you’re not getting the affection from a person that you need, require, desire, seek, whatever, you are settling and shouldn’t. Everything else about the relationship can be just fine, but if that piece is missing, it will become an issue. Don’t rationalize yourself into accepting less than what you know that you truly need to be fulfilled in a relationship.

Now, that I have the relationship with TheDude that I do, I realize that what I was missing was the patience to wait for the right person and that I spent a lot of time and effort trying to force things that were never going to fit for me.

SlimNu

September 6th, 2011
11:04 am

We humans desire and seek affection…

SlimNu

September 6th, 2011
11:13 am

Leggs – I love to see older couples still affectionate towards each other. I recall an older couple in Cracker Barrel holding hands out to the car. Even though the woman drove, he still opened up the drivers side of the car and helped her get in before he went over to his side.

Celisea

September 6th, 2011
11:13 am

Dern it…it is Tuesday. And to think I mentioned looooong weekends…lol

My bad. Thanks PR :)

Leggs

September 6th, 2011
11:14 am

:lol: :lol: This was a younger couple, SlimNU. Well, younger than myself.

czBrat

September 6th, 2011
11:17 am

slim, s/o always comments on how cute it is to see older couples still courting. but because i have a tendency to buck the mushy stuff, i usually tap into my dark side and come back with something like “they’re probably having an affair”. *i know. i know. i need help.*

SlimNu

September 6th, 2011
11:26 am

cz – bad, bad bad lol…we must try not to be so cynical even though it’s hard to do in this day and age. I have my moments too when i’m like whatever, I should move to an island and live off the land alone…but then i think just how crazy that sounds.

SlimNu

September 6th, 2011
11:31 am

Leggs – oops, my bad…well love whether it be young or old is a lovely sight to see. But like czbrat said with regards to the cynicism is with young folks, it’s easy to say..Oh they just haven’t gone through anything yet…young, dumb and full of…well you know how it goes :lol:

SlimNu

September 6th, 2011
11:32 am

Speaking of which, I wonder if age, experiences and several relationships make us (older folk) more skeptical about love…Mmmm?

Leggs

September 6th, 2011
11:37 am

@SlimNU ~ that’s what you get for thinking my friends are old. :lol: :lol: :lol:

SlimNu

September 6th, 2011
11:42 am

Leggs – I will admit myself to timeout for exactly 2.75 minutes unsupervised ;-)

czBrat

September 6th, 2011
11:44 am

LOL @ leggs. your friends are anything but.

speaking for myself (of course), age and specific experiences have made me a bit guarded. i may have butterflies dancing a dosey doe in my tummy at the mere thought of him, but i’m gonna carefully ration just how soon and how deeply i let that show.

Purple Reign

September 6th, 2011
11:47 am

Leggs

September 6th, 2011
11:53 am

Right now at this moment, I want an ice cream cone!

abc

September 6th, 2011
11:53 am

Slim, I think a lot of more mature people can easily become cynical about relationships. It just makes it more important to be discerning about who you deal with. Personally, if not for my excellent wife, I wouldn’t even consider dating. It just ain’t worth dealing with the crazies… I did not have a good time dating for a couple years before reuniting with sweetie. 10 or 12 straight up crazy beeyotches, tellin ya.

The man formerly know as Dan - still...Superior

September 6th, 2011
11:54 am

Afternoon (darn 3 hour interview – I hate -wanna be – lawyers)

On topic:

It is interesting learning how people give and receive affection; what’s better is learning how to give affection to each other.

I’m definitely a Service kinda guy, I don’t do “kissy, kissy, smooch, smooch” often, but my wife does (compromise). Other than that, the main differences I’ve seen over the course of relationships is the failure to communicate these ideas to one’s partner.

If you like to be held, tell him/her. If affection makes you uncomfortable, same thing.

However, (IMO) if you care for someone taking the time and making the effort to effectively communicate love/affection in a way that comfortable for you both is a beautifully maddening process.

Exiled!

September 6th, 2011
11:58 am

’several relationships’ @Slim?

do u have tattoos(momentos) for every single one of those sweet ones that didn’t pan out?

On topic: tough guys let her grab his hand(not the other way round) and nibble on his ear lob, if she so desires!
Tough guys recognize what has happened the moment they can’t keep their lil hands to themselves.

Leggs

September 6th, 2011
11:58 am

“…is a beautifully maddening process.” Well said, Dan!

czBrat

September 6th, 2011
12:09 pm

dan, i like that post. early on s/o asked me what is the singular most important thing a man can do to show his love for me. i told him, other than being good to my kids, just take care of my vehicle without being asked or told. just make sure it’s always well maintained and tank full. having to deal with cars (and traffic) is the absolute bane of my existence.

he continues to express his love for me in his own love language, but he understands that when he expresses himself according to MY love language, that really, REALLY resonates with me to my very core.

and, yes. although i am a brat, i do my share of learning and attentive giving according to his love language. it’s definitely a growth opportunity, and i am sooooo enjoying the process.

SlimNu

September 6th, 2011
12:30 pm

abc – Yeah, this dating thing doesn’t seem to be as fun as it used to be but it is what it is. Glad you got out of the meat pool before it was too late lol

SlimNu

September 6th, 2011
12:32 pm

do u have tattoos(momentos) for every single one of those sweet ones that didn’t pan out?

Exiled – where do you get this stuff? I was speaking generally and I don’t have any tattoos that have something to do with a dude. I see you don’t have enough to do at work today again.

Leggs

September 6th, 2011
12:32 pm

Yep, dating isn’t much fun…too much weeding out going on, too much rotation interviews going on, too many want FWBs, too much BS.

Yep, SlimNU, it is what it is. Stay true to yourself and the right one will be met.

SlimNu

September 6th, 2011
12:36 pm

Leggs – How do those famous words go?…”Keep hope alive!” lol