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Abstinent? Clue your date in

It’s not the kind of thing you really want to talk about on the very first date. Your sexual activity..or lack thereof, shouldn’t be a focal point when you are just getting to know somebody. At least, that has always been my opinion.

My guy friend disagrees. He thinks before one date is planned, a guy deserves to know if he is interested in someone who is abstinent. Apparently, this would “change the game” and a lot of men should be able to make an informed decision.

I would argue, though, how much information should be shared that quickly? I mean, unless that is the only thing you are really interested in anyway?

Should you clue your date in about your celibacy? Is it anyone’s business if you are not in a relationship with them?

How do you tell someone you are abstaining? What do you say and when?

Should you be able to inquire about their sexual habits, i.e. the number of partners, etc.?

By Wise Diva, Misadventures in Atlanta Dating Blog

252 comments Add your comment

Exiled!

August 29th, 2011
1:46 pm

@Leggs?

U celibate? I thought u just don’t tell,not to mean u celibate. Any hoo,good luck!

BMW,u not celibate. U are in a long screening process!

U can’t allow carpet munching then say u celibate

Or use a vibrator then say u celibate!

Just Hush!

Coz self poking/ self f-king is fornication,no celibacy there!

It’s not a human but still!

Mechanized s e x!

czBrat

August 29th, 2011
1:47 pm

I didn’t say its impossible, its just not likely
understood. i didn’t mean to imply that you were posing it as an impossibility. i was addressing this ——> “Just know that if you are the abstainer, you need to search for virgins
because that’s just a wee bit ridikulous in our age group.

Leggs

August 29th, 2011
1:51 pm

@Jake ~ I’ll be honest enough and say this, as it concerns me. Masturbating, at times, takes too much work. You get to the point, well, I’ve gotten to the point, where I go through my daily activities not concerned about it.

@BMW ~ and it’s a daayuuummm shame its like that.

Celisea

August 29th, 2011
1:51 pm

I guess too I don’t understand the question because progression is only natural and sex and intimacy is fully encompassed. Letting someone know “hey, Imma give you some….at some point seems outside the natural progression of things

Blackfoote: The Real Blackfoote

August 29th, 2011
1:51 pm

Y’all never fail to entertain……LOL

kimmie

August 29th, 2011
1:56 pm

I admire those that can abstain and hold to it and use that time to think clearer and become more self-aware. To each his/her own.

But I can’t honestly say I’ve ever been there. I started to say like Sassy, when I abstained I didn’t date. To be honest, I was just going thru a prolonged dry spell. And when I was not interested in anyone it was easier to go without.

I can’t say I made better decisions during those times. I’ve made my share of mistakes like anyone, but I can’t say I lost my mind and decision-making ability to the d. Just can’t say that. Stupid things I’ve done, whether I was getting some or not.

Celisea, I like what you said about it not be calculated but happens when the time is right. The whole “announcing that you’re celibate” thing seems too calculated to me. I don’t know of a better way to ensure that nothing ever would happen.

Celisea

August 29th, 2011
2:02 pm

Thanks Kimmie. Calculated is exactly what it feels like. Imma say this again, more than likely not going to date during times of celibacy. Not far to him and too much of an expectation from me. If and that’s an if we are going to do the dang thing….sex is only in order. That’s an “if” folks. There’s a lot that hinges on that.

czBrat

August 29th, 2011
2:02 pm

I abstained I didn’t date. To be honest, I was just going thru a prolonged dry spell. And when I was not interested in anyone it was easier to go without.
thanx, kimmie. that kinda helps with the question i asked earlier. difference between celibacy and just plain old not sleeping around.

Leggs

August 29th, 2011
2:03 pm

@Ex ~ I’m good over here.

Sassy Me...In it to Win it ;-)

August 29th, 2011
2:03 pm

Not calculated, not pinned not penciled in but when the time is right.

Precisely..

I’m good with my legs closed. My head is clear and I know what I won’t tolerate.

Worth repeating…I got/get alot of flack sometimes because I’m waiting in him to get back soon and not getting my groove on in the meantime b/c he’s outta the country but it’s just not what I want. As previously mentioned by other ladies, gettin “d” isn’t a problem but what I want transcends that.

Thanks for the kind words blog..

Celisea

August 29th, 2011
2:04 pm

Currently? I’m celibate

Celisea

August 29th, 2011
2:06 pm

Spot on Sassy…spot on. Let folks give you flack, you gotta do what works and is best for you.

Dynamic

August 29th, 2011
2:07 pm

So if you need to disclose that you are abstaining from sex on the first date….then what is your date going to disclose? Are you going to tell me that you can only go 3 min before you explode? Are you going to tell me that you have bad credit? Are you going to tell me that you don’t pay your child suppport? Need I say more?

IMO if and when the time is right you will get to know a person. On the first date you don’t know a person’s middle name let alone their sexual preferences!!

Leggs

August 29th, 2011
2:07 pm

@kimmie/ex/czB ~ I’m not celibate, just abstaining cuz I ain’t dating. It’s that simple. Can I get sex, SURE. I can blink my eyes like “I Dream of Jeannie” or wiggle my nose like “Bewitched” and it’s front and center. That kinda D I ain’t looking for. Since I can’t be a FWB typle of gal, I have to remain true to my soul, my heart and seek that which I desire. If I don’t find anyone who cares for me then so be it. I won’t combust! I’ll be disappointed, but I won’t combust.

Willie Dynamite

August 29th, 2011
2:08 pm

Afternoon All,

Question for the fellas. Have any of you ran into a Woman that was Celibate or abstaining that different let you know pretty quickly? In my experiences a celibate chick would let you know almost up front if they were celibate. Also,most of those (small sample size) just used that as a talking point and/or weeding out ritual.

Willie Dynamite

August 29th, 2011
2:09 pm

didn’t not different

Leggs

August 29th, 2011
2:10 pm

@SassyMe ~ see, right there is a problem. Why are you getting flack because you waiting on him to get back. You two have discussed things and you seem to be on the same page. Always someone up in someone else’s twart trying to tell them how and when to do the do. Usually a gf egging you on to do something. Misery loves company. A true friend would commend you for sticking to your guns and waiting on that which YOU decided to wait on.

Sassy Me...In it to Win it ;-)

August 29th, 2011
2:12 pm

difference between celibacy and just plain old not sleeping around.

There sure is..I’ve gone through dry spells but being celibate felt different because it was a choice and not by circumstance. I didn’t date during that time ’cause I didn’t want to and I had to fall back from the whole scene. Don’t get me wrong there were times I was approached but the other person’s motives were all based on sex and it was soo obvious….damn near frustrating sometimes.

Sassy Me...In it to Win it ;-)

August 29th, 2011
2:16 pm

Usually a gf egging you on to do something. Misery loves company.

That’s who was giving me a hard time…two of my gf’s I’ve known for some time: One is unhappily married(now separated) to a Pakistani ~11 yrs her junior and the other is in a relationship with a dude who can’t/won’t communicate his feelings when isht gets tough instead he disappears. I know right?! But I don’t judge them….I just don’t listen.

Leggs

August 29th, 2011
2:17 pm

“…but the other person’s motives were all based on sex and it was soo obvious….damn near frustrating sometimes.”

Worth repeating!!! Some men really believe those “gutter” compliments are flattering to us.

Willie Dynamite

August 29th, 2011
2:19 pm

Being Devils advocate; as far as Men are concerned for every 10 chicks that say they are celibate we know 6-7 of them gon fugg. I don’t have a nationwide sample size but I’m willing to bet its a few dudes on this here blog that have knocked off a “Celibate’ chick.
I applaud the Ladies that truly are Celibate and abstaining for whatever reason. That is a very personal lifestyle choice that when done right can yield amazing benefits for self.

kimmie

August 29th, 2011
2:23 pm

abstaining cuz I ain’t dating

Leggs – Bingo! That was me right before I met my husband and started dating him. Before that, there were long stretches of time when I was not interested in anyone so I wasn’t doing anything. And yeah, if I just wanted to “do it” there were plenty that would ablige me at the drop of a hat. But that was so empty and cold and not my scene. I would just rather hang out with family & friends during those times. Sure, sometimes it was lonely, but I was not climbing the walls.

Willie – I know you were asking the guys, but I eluded to that earlier. Most folks I know that are really practicing celibacy don’t seem to mind letting the whole world know. They wear it like a badge. And I’m not talking about those that just haven’t had any in awhile either. And if you are celibate and tell someone and they don’t want to go along with that you can’t automatically assume they are a bad person and just all about sex. I personally could not date someone and hold out until marriage.

Purple Reign

August 29th, 2011
2:24 pm

Leggs, did you say you don’t masterbate because it’s to much work for you?

Randyt (aka, BEEN THERE, DONE THAT, HAVE A CLOSET FULL OF T-SHIRTS)

August 29th, 2011
2:27 pm

Interesting topic. I’m not sure where I fall on this other than I do believe that expectations should be revealed by each and unraveled SLOWLY by each. If abstinence is an expectation, then that should be revealed and if sex is a requirement/expectation, that should be revealed also, but all done subtly and in the proper conversation and context…and in a manner that conveys that it is a wish not an ultimatum.

Personally, I believe that if sex is going to happen, it will happen without someone trying hard to make it happen or trying hard not to do it. Couples know when they should do it, whether it is the first date or the fiftieth. The timing should be right for both.

One thing I have said on here many times and know is an absolute, is that sex ALWAYS changes the dynamics of a relationship and should not be entered into without thinking about how it will change things…for the better or for worse. Again it is TIMING.

Purple Reign

August 29th, 2011
2:27 pm

I think people put to much emphasis on sex. Honeslty when I was seriously dating someone I would try and hold out as long as I could, that’s not to say I did not enjoy it happening sooner than planned. It just seems like sex to soon clouds things, but I guess that all depends on what you wanted as an end result

Celisea

August 29th, 2011
2:28 pm

Truly “celibate” folks aren’t easily dusted. Folks abstining will more than likely cave. Celibacy is only hard for the person that’s trying to understand your plight. That’s why it just make more sense to walk that walk alone.

kimmie

August 29th, 2011
2:29 pm

Also,most of those (small sample size) just used that as a talking point and/or weeding out ritual.

Willie – See that just seems like game-play to me. Weed out by truly getting to know someone before you become intimate. All that mess just isn’t necessary, IMO.

Blackfoote: The Real Blackfoote

August 29th, 2011
2:30 pm

It is commendable that you ladies abstain, for a guy you deem worthy. That dude will be on cloud nine, I know I would.

Purple Reign

August 29th, 2011
2:30 pm

Best thing for a guy to do before a date is to masterbate before meeting the woman. That way his hormones are in check and sex is at the back of his mind.

kimmie

August 29th, 2011
2:31 pm

Randyt – I like your post, very mature and realistic.

Purple Reign

August 29th, 2011
2:33 pm

Yes celibate people will avoid situations in which they may be tempted….then I just take off my shirt and pour some water on my chest and the panties drop…then I stick that same water bottle on her lips and let the water cascade down her chin to her neck to her chest….umm what are we talking about again?

Leggs

August 29th, 2011
2:33 pm

@kimmie ~ I unequivocally co-sign your 2:23 to ME. That is exactly how I feel and how I’m rolling. And guess what, I so cool with it. I keep smiling, singing, laughing. Stress free and diseased clear!

@PR ~ not that it’s necessarily too much work. I can get myself off quickly, it’s just not what I desire so mentally, it’s work. Does that make sense?

Randyt (aka, BEEN THERE, DONE THAT, HAVE A CLOSET FULL OF T-SHIRTS)

August 29th, 2011
2:36 pm

Just read some recent posts and agree that sex is always out there if that is what someone wants. I hate to say this, but I haven’t seen many women who can’t get someone to indulge them, and I haven’t seen many men that are straight and have a job that cannot find something. It is all in what a person wants, whether in the context of love/relationship (my personal choice), whether in the context of just wanting an itch scratched, or just wanting to sport F&*^. It isn’t that hard. What all have to decide is what is right for them.

What I do believe is that many men can talk themselves right out of it by just saying the wrong (read STUPID) things on a first date. The surest way to get it is to just let it happen, not try to force it. As a sign I saw once said, “Sampson killed 10,000 Philistines with the jawbone of an azz, 50,000 sales are killed every day by the same weapon”.

Purple Reign

August 29th, 2011
2:37 pm

Yes Leggs, the longest I have gone as an adult without an orgasm was 5 years. Sometime an orgasm is the farthest thing from your mind.

Jake: Sweet Peeda Jeeda, TWB

August 29th, 2011
2:37 pm

“And if you are celibate and tell someone and they don’t want to go along with that you can’t automatically assume they are a bad person and just all about sex.”

Thanks Kimmie, that was really my sentiment, cause somebody wants to have sex, even if its casual, they aren’t an automatic azz with no genuine qualities, which is the general description we have been gettin from the “no droppa the panties” group.

Willie Dynamite

August 29th, 2011
2:39 pm

Kimmie – agree and agree.

kimmie

August 29th, 2011
2:40 pm

Purple – I agree, I think there is entirely too much emphasis on sex, by everyone.

I have a friend whose mom is very self-righteous. My friend is divorced with a child and is almost 40. Yet, every time she goes somewhere out of town with her boyfriend, her mother asks her about the sleeping arrangements and how wrong she is to be messing around without being married. I’m sure her mom even raised her eyebrows at me a few times before I married. It’s such a drain though. If all we cared about was having sex, we can stay in ATL and do that! That’s not all of what a trip out of town is all about!LOL!!

Leggs

August 29th, 2011
2:41 pm

Randyt (aka, BEEN THERE, DONE THAT, HAVE A CLOSET FULL OF T-SHIRTS)

August 29th, 2011
2:42 pm

Like PR, I have gone long periods without, BY CHOICE. If it were a necesity like food, water, and air, there is always Johnny’s Hideaway.

Sassy Me...In it to Win it ;-)

August 29th, 2011
2:42 pm

many men can talk themselves right out of it by just saying the wrong (read STUPID) things on a first date. The surest way to get it is to just let it happen, not try to force it.

Worth repeating….and sounds even better coming from a man. Nice post Randy will all the t-shirts :mrgreen:

Purple Reign

August 29th, 2011
2:43 pm

kimmie, exactly. You don’t have to spend the night or go to sleep for sex to happen. I wonder what time of day that most sex takes place. In Atlanta I think it is the lunch hours. LOL

Sassy Me...In it to Win it ;-)

August 29th, 2011
2:44 pm

What is Johhny’s Hideaway?….don’t jugde me..

Purple Reign

August 29th, 2011
2:46 pm

Johnny’s Hideaway is a cougars hunting ground.

Willie Dynamite

August 29th, 2011
2:47 pm

Sex is like money. Having it is not as much a problem as Not having it is. Wanting it and can’t get it or not wanting it and still having to fight off the wolves.

Blackfoote: The Real Blackfoote

August 29th, 2011
2:48 pm

I will agree Purple, it seemed like the sooner I got the sex the faster the relationship ended. I was guilty for that but as one ages that mind set changes for the better.

Randyt (aka, BEEN THERE, DONE THAT, HAVE A CLOSET FULL OF T-SHIRTS)

August 29th, 2011
2:48 pm

@ Sassy

Johnny’s Hideaway is a legendary “meat market” in Buckhead on Roswell Rd., that has the neediest group of people you will ever see. Great music, good drinks and food, but many people come there just to hook up. It is a place where if you leave alone it is by choice. After having said that, it is also a place where it is important that you leave the person you went home with before the sun comes up and streams thru the curtains…and you realize that alcohol MIGHT have clouded your judgement.

BlackMagicWoman...in NYC

August 29th, 2011
2:49 pm

EXILED….oh shut ya yap! :lol:

Purple Reign

August 29th, 2011
2:55 pm

Question for the men: Ever had sex with a woman to soon and then it turned into a serious relationship and after she knew you were really her’s she showed you a whole new world of puddydom? How did this make you feel? Were you happy? Do you think she was holding back and you were upset? Or did you wonder how many times she had done this before? LOL

Randyt (aka, BEEN THERE, DONE THAT, HAVE A CLOSET FULL OF T-SHIRTS)

August 29th, 2011
3:01 pm

@PR

I’ve been in relationships where as trust entered, it just got better and better (and the thought of soundproofing the windows seemed like a really good idea when people three milews away could hear you scream ;-)

czBrat

August 29th, 2011
3:10 pm

reign, i know you were talking to the gents, but your post made me :smile: s/o is always saying “hmmm. there’s definitely another side to you.” he can barely contain himself wondering what’s in store AFTER we wed. :wink:

time for monday meetings. just ugh!