accessAtlanta

City & State or ZIP Tonight, this weekend, May 5th...
City & State or ZIP
City & State or ZIP Tonight, this weekend, May 5th...
City & State or ZIP

Abstinent? Clue your date in

It’s not the kind of thing you really want to talk about on the very first date. Your sexual activity..or lack thereof, shouldn’t be a focal point when you are just getting to know somebody. At least, that has always been my opinion.

My guy friend disagrees. He thinks before one date is planned, a guy deserves to know if he is interested in someone who is abstinent. Apparently, this would “change the game” and a lot of men should be able to make an informed decision.

I would argue, though, how much information should be shared that quickly? I mean, unless that is the only thing you are really interested in anyway?

Should you clue your date in about your celibacy? Is it anyone’s business if you are not in a relationship with them?

How do you tell someone you are abstaining? What do you say and when?

Should you be able to inquire about their sexual habits, i.e. the number of partners, etc.?

By Wise Diva, Misadventures in Atlanta Dating Blog

252 comments Add your comment

The man formerly know as Dan - still...Superior

August 29th, 2011
8:05 am

Any conversation about sex is not premature – if presented correctly.

If it’s done in a playfully serious manner “not that I plan on having sex with you, I don’t plan on having sex with anyone [right now/ever]” the message can do wonders for a potential relationship.

Ease and comfort talking about sex is akin to ease and comfort with one’s self, IMO.

And the sooner I know how comfortable you are with you, the better.

Foxy

August 29th, 2011
8:38 am

GM Kids:
Foxy thinks that abstinence means,I’m just not that into you sexually. The right one can get the pink panties. :)

SlimNu

August 29th, 2011
8:59 am

Good morning and daaaaaaaamn the weekend went by too fast…

Um, I’m not sure what to really say about the topic. I would think that one shouldn’t wait too long or after too many dates before disclosing their decision to refrain from sex because you don’t want to mislead the other person. I suppose it’s no different than making it known you Don’t want kids ever to someone you’re dating because they very well may want kids. So why waste too much of their time if you two aren’t on the same page. I wouldn’t want to waste time dating a dude who doesn’t munch carpet because I know that’s something I enjoy so why short-change myself by continuously going out with a dude who doesn’t agree with that same sentiment.

Need more coffee

Harder...please.

August 29th, 2011
9:08 am

No wonder the divorce rate is at 50% these days. Sex is No. 100 on the list of top 10 things people probably should be discussing on their first date.

TenderRoni

August 29th, 2011
9:24 am

I would say this should be discussed earlier on. Maybe not on the first date, but definitely after. Gauge when the approriate time to bring it up, and then just lay it all out.
I have been through this (believe it or not). But it ended peacefully, we remained friends for a while.

Button

August 29th, 2011
9:28 am

Just like everything else, your sexual appetite should be revealed when first dating, but in a tactful way. I wouldn’t want to date a guy who is practicing abstince or have erectile dysfunction knowing that that’s not what I need in a partner.

abc

August 29th, 2011
9:49 am

If a woman on a first or second date, or maybe a 3rd or 4th, would ask me about my sexual activities or lack thereof, I’d probably tell her it’s none of her business, unless things were going extremely well. I’d expect the same if I asked a woman about stuff like that. I mean, get real — what about simple good manners? What are you really interested in, just getting laid, or the girl herself?

Note to AJC: get a real IT staff, or get somebody who can better manage your sites, or whatever. You guys were 404 this morning — just as everyone gets to work? Ya kiddin?

SexyCool

August 29th, 2011
9:50 am

Congrats on the nuptials, Dan.

SexyCool

August 29th, 2011
9:53 am

Workout Report – TheDude and I started P90X this morning. It did NOT go well for me. However, I will press on.

Leggs

August 29th, 2011
9:55 am

Good morning! Congratulations, Dan, on your wedding. I heard it was very nice!

He thinks before one date is planned, a guy deserves to know if he is interested in someone who is abstinent. This depends on how you’ve been talking before the first date is planned. I’m not going to tell you about my sex life with a simple call saying “hi, how are you?” Oh, I’m fine, but I’m abstinent.” Whatcha doing?” Like I said, depends on how you’ve been communicating. How many men state, before that first date is planned, that they:

♪♫•*¨*•.¸¸♥¸¸.•*¨*•♫♪
don’t wanna be loved
I don’t wanna be loved
I just wanna quickie
No bite marks, no scratches, and no hickies
If you can get with that, mami come get with me
I don’t wanna be loved
I don’t wanna be loved
I just wanna quick fix
Up in your mix miss
Send me you wishlist
I have you addicted
So mami come hit this♪♫•*¨*•.¸¸♥¸¸.•*¨*•♫♪

Should you clue your date in about your celibacy? Yes, because it’s not wise to string them along. Let them make a conscious decision going forward. If you two aren’t compatible in that area, it won’t work.

Is it anyone’s business if you are not in a relationship with them? Nope! It’s only a concern to those working toward building a relationship.

More lyrics: http://www.lyricsmode.com/lyrics/m/miguel_jontel/#share
I I would argue, though, how much information should be shared that quickly? I mean, unless that is the only thing you are really interested in anyway?

Should you clue your date in about your celibacy? Is it anyone’s business if you are not in a relationship with them?

How do you tell someone you are abstaining? What do you say and when?

Should you be able to inquire about their sexual habits, i.e. the number of partners, etc.?

Leggs

August 29th, 2011
9:56 am

Sorry, forgot to delete the rest…please ignore!

czBrat

August 29th, 2011
9:57 am

HiYas!

hmmm. interesting. i’d have to say that discussing if/when we might get intimate has never presented itself on a first (or second) date for me. the convo is more about getting to know each other in sooooo many ways beyond “are we gonna hit it?” granted, i’ve not had to tell a dude “i’m saving myself for marriage” since i was 16. every man since simply gets the “we could get there IF we decide to take this that far”. i don’t call that abstinence. just being particular.

so, help me out bloggers. are you considered celibate just because you don’t sleep with anybody and everybody from jump? or does that term only apply when you have a particular goal in mind. i.e. marriage, 90-day rule, etc?

SexyCool

August 29th, 2011
9:58 am

As to participating in abstinence, your actions should lead and your words should support.

In other words, stay out of situations that would lead to sexual activities or the assumption that such activities are going to take place.

When it is appropriate (and no one is aroused), have the conversation in a calm, reasonable manner. I think the appropriate time is when the person you are dating begins to lead the conversation/activities in that direction.

SlimNu

August 29th, 2011
9:59 am

Leggs, thanks for clearing that up because I thought I had crust in my eye when I wasn’t seeing any answers to the questions. Welcome to Monday…lol

Leggs

August 29th, 2011
10:00 am

Can’t believe I left the word “long” off in both sentences.

Leggs

August 29th, 2011
10:03 am

:lol: You are more than welcome SlimNu. :lol:

Casual Observer

August 29th, 2011
10:04 am

Good Mornng all…. This is a silly question….Of course it should be presented… Sex is a vital part of any relationship and if one of the cornerstones is not going to be in play, then you almost owe it to the person tyou are seeing to let them know that… Kinda like If you live with your mom, or don’t have a job, or have like 7 or 8 kids…..Even if you don’t intend to be intimate in the near future, being abstinate funda mentally changes the nature iof the relationship, and you have to put that kind of stuff on the table….

Leggs

August 29th, 2011
10:06 am

Should you be able to inquire about their sexual habits, i.e. the number of partners, etc.? I would not ask my possible mate the number of women he’s been with before me. Since he’s not a virgin when we got together, I have to expect he’s been with more than one! As long as health card states he is disease free, I’ll roll with that. His past his is past, as mine past is my past. Absent medical issues, it will remain that way. Sure we may bring certain things up, but you best believe I’m not going to sit with him over wine, cheese and crackers discussing our past endeavors.

SexyCool

August 29th, 2011
10:08 am

Officially stanning for BEY!!! (lol)

Leggs

August 29th, 2011
10:09 am

@Casual O ~ two things:

1. It was asked should this be stated before the first date is planned.

2. “then you almost owe it to the person tyou are seeing to let them know that” – they haven’t started seeing each other yet.

“…and you have to put that kind of stuff on the table…. Is this really sound advice to tell everyone this with the first encounter? I think not. Again, I may be wrong, but I feel it depends on how LONG you’ve been communicating.

SlimNu

August 29th, 2011
10:13 am

SC I was just talking to my co-worker about the p90x. She said it was brutal and suggested I try the 30 Day Shred video instead. She’s going to let me borrow her dvd for a night to see what I think of it before I buy it. Might be something to consider looking into if you don’t think the 90x deal is right for you. ;-)

The man formerly know as Dan - still...Superior

August 29th, 2011
10:14 am

@SC/Leggs

Thanks for the congrats.

@abc

Given the nature of dating today, it’s only fair to discuss expectations and goals if the relationship is going somewhere. If it’s a first – third date with no chemistry, then there would be no need to discuss the matter.

If, however, there is a connection, letting the person you’re seeing know – upfront – what your goals in life are is a necessary step. Goals should include family, finances, sexual proclivities and all.

I would call it a responsible thing to do.

Amia

August 29th, 2011
10:16 am

I have abstained for a while by choice of not wanting to collect notches on my belt, so to speak. I recently met someone who I am interested in getting to know better. If things progress, the abstaining will stop (for sure). :) There is no way I am asking him how many people he’s been with nor should he ask me about mine. I don’t want to know. I am like Leggs, though. You need be disease free! I also agree SlimNu’s 8:59 when you said not being a carpet muncher is a problem. Huge problem. Huge Huge Huge problem! :)

kimmie

August 29th, 2011
10:16 am

Morning All,

Before the first date or the first few dates, no. After that, I would think something so fundamental should be discussed in a frank, no pressure way. Like SCool said, that way if you want to continue seeing each other, you can avoid situations that could lead to assumptions that something is going to happen. I think it just depends on the situation. Is it for spiritual reasons, are you just taking a break for awhile, are you a virgin not necessarily waiting for marriage but if the right one came along and you fell in love you could go there? It’s all sorts of scenarios. Just do what feels right.

Dan – Wishing you and your new bride & family much love and happiness!

SlimNu

August 29th, 2011
10:19 am

Slim now throwing crumbled up granola at Dan since she doesn’t have any rice Congratulations new Hubby!!!

Leggs

August 29th, 2011
10:19 am

Exactly, kimmie, exactly!

The man formerly know as Dan - still...Superior

August 29th, 2011
10:26 am

@Kimmie/Slim(ie) thanks

@Slim, stop throwing stuff at me, I got someone around to handle my lightweight these days….

czBrat

August 29th, 2011
10:26 am

what about simple good manners? What are you really interested in, just getting laid, or the girl herself?
uh. yeah. that about covers it.

awwww, dan. that’s just the sweetness! congrats and many, MANY years of wedded bliss!! :)

SlimNu

August 29th, 2011
10:37 am

Dan – Well, I started to give you a good ole blog hug but I didn’t want to the Mrs to get riled up while she’s still in wedded bliss mode. How about a congratulatory fist bump instead?

abc

August 29th, 2011
10:38 am

I would expect that someone’s wishes to abstain from sex would be unlikely to having a total aversion to it in general — although I’m sure that occurs too — but rather would have more to do with a desire for marriage, saving it for their future husband or wife. The future person is out there now, you know. That qualification would be information enough for someone who wanted to know, and if they’re not in the game for keeps in the first place, would play itself out naturally.

If there are health problems that prevent performance, I’m not so sure that someone should feel obligated to volunteer the information early on. Aside from some sexually transmitted diseases, most everything that goes wrong with males can be remedied: blood pressure, etc. are the most likely culprits. Would you say “Do you have high blood pressure? Diabetes? ED?” It just doesn’t seem all that palatable a conversation to have if you’re just on a few dates.

Casual Observer

August 29th, 2011
10:40 am

Leggs, in a word yes….If there is somthing in your life that would seriously affect the dating process, then yes, one is almost obligated to share that kind of info….I guess that goes along with whats CZBrat said, If you are just particular about who you sleep with then thats one thing, But if you have vowed to stay abstinent until marriage or whatever, then yeah, the person you are involved with should have the chance to decide if they wanna be done with that…..

SexyCool

August 29th, 2011
10:40 am

I would actually be more interested in hearing about health issues before hearing about sex issues.

Exiled!

August 29th, 2011
10:42 am

Good morning!

On topic yes I am supposed to know if u abstain or not. The same way a woman that’s sexually active wld want to know because I could be heading to the Catholic seminary school and doing this just to while up time.

No false advertising is permitted.

A man in the know tho don’t have to be told directly or ask an explicit sexual question. You can get the drift just by mere talk , on the phone before u even schedule a date!

And fellas,it’s rude to leave a chic’s cobwebs hanging in anticipation because ur balls aren’t up to standard and u just pretending! This is Atlanta where the chics expect u to knock it outta the park! :lol:

If u can’t hit it,Quit it!

Have a nice day!

Leggs

August 29th, 2011
10:48 am

“…then yeah, the person you are involved with should have the chance to decide if they wanna be done with that…..”

I definitely agree Casual O. My point is they’re not involved yet. Perhaps I may be playing the game of semantics because my point is why tell someone this if you AREN”T involved with them yet. I see no point in telling someone this first time talking with them, perhaps not even during the second conversation.

Purple Reign

August 29th, 2011
10:54 am

First date is a first date, first time out. It’s not even a relationship yet. Sex should not be brought up IMO on a first outing. And half of the ladies would suspect that the guy just wanted the panties if he brought sex up in any form or fashion on the first date.

czBrat

August 29th, 2011
10:59 am

and i have to agree with SC. well said … my convo and carriage leading up to and including those first dates should already tell you that we’re not getting to the nitty gritty of my lava flow habits any time soon.

SexyCool

August 29th, 2011
11:00 am

“You can get the drift just by mere talk , on the phone before u even schedule a date!”

For real?!? How would that conversation go?

Meelow – Hey, Obutande, How are you doing this fine afternoon?
Atyotunde – I just came in from milking my father’s goat herd.
Meelow – I trust that was an enjoyable experience.
Ayotunde – Actually, the wrinkly teets were hard to grasp and bending over makes my back hurt like two camel humps.
Meelow – (thinking) She does not partake in the activity that is of sexual in nature. I must find another with which to spread seed from my loins.

Leggs

August 29th, 2011
11:00 am

I agree PR, but bet many would say two people who are planning on having sex, shouldn’t talk about sex on the first date. However, one party being abstinent throws an entirely new monkey wrench into the gravy. One needs to know that there will not be ANY sex before marriage. Well, IMO, no matter how you slice, no one should be talking about sex on the first date.

kimmie

August 29th, 2011
11:01 am

Purple – I agree. To me it would be a little presumptuous, especially BEFORE the first date. Who said I liked you like that ANYWAY?!

Another case for talking and taking the time to get to know someone. Like Exiled said, a lot will come to surface by talking and observing. What’s important and not important to a person will more than likely be revealed.

Exiled!

August 29th, 2011
11:08 am

Scool?

just asking a leading question like’what type of relationship are u looking for? and following up on the answer will get u an indicator of what type of man or woman she is!

But if u exchange numbers and the next thing is a date,then no wonder one can end up in the trunk of a psycho!

Exiled!

August 29th, 2011
11:09 am

Psychos’ car

Casual Observer

August 29th, 2011
11:10 am

OK…If a person is looking for a long term thing, then why would they not be willing to disclose something that is such a fundamental part of being involved? I think this is akin to not telling someone that you are like a Sovereign Citizen or a Devout Muslim……On the first date its not realtive, but if you are looking for something long term you would want to know….

Leggs

August 29th, 2011
11:10 am

“just asking a leading question like’what type of relationship are u looking for? and following up on the answer will get u an indicator of what type of man or woman she is!”

Isn’t this Dating 101?

Leggs

August 29th, 2011
11:11 am

Of course you would Casual O. Of course!

kimmie

August 29th, 2011
11:15 am

Exiled/SCool – A lot of folk I’ve known that just got saved and practice abstinence for spiritual reasons seemed to wear it like a badge. I’m not saying all are like this, just alot I have run across. They are not that private about it. So it is bound to come up early. Some guys I’ve known that have talked about women they’ve come across that are abstinent did not give me the impression that they were misled. It seemed to come up rather early on so they could decide if they could deal with it or not. Most said they could not, but they respected the woman’s decision.

Sassy Me...In it to Win it ;-)

August 29th, 2011
11:16 am

Interesting topic for today…when I chose to abstain I didn’t date. I got rid of the boy toy and focused on me. It wasn’t easy mind you but I wanted more than what I had but I knew it had to start with me. When I got back in touch with Mr. Bermuda we both realized that we still cared about each other and talked on the phone and via text/email for quite some time in an effort to sort things out. It was even better that he soon came to town for a job interview and we got a chance to vibe in person but being physical wasn’t the main objective…it was an added bonus no doubt…but not the main focus and that was agreed upon before he came to the States. I explained my situation to him and he respected it..he never pressed the issue but he did follow my lead.

He’ll be back soon…for good this time and I can’t wait. Since he and I are on the same page I haven’t dated or “been with” anyone since he’s been gone and I have no problem or issue with that. I’m glad I waited then and don’t mind doing it now.

Purple Reign

August 29th, 2011
11:18 am

If i’m on a date and am asked what type of relationship I am looking for a would respond with an answer but that answer would not include anything about sex. And for th

Button

August 29th, 2011
11:19 am

if my date tells me he has health issues then I’m going to assume that he’ll have sex issues somewhere down the line. And for that reason, being up front is a big deal for me.

Purple Reign

August 29th, 2011
11:21 am

Congrats Sassy! I hope you two have a long lasting happy relationship!

Blackfoote: The Real Blackfoote

August 29th, 2011
11:23 am

All relationships begin and travel different routes, I wouldn’t ask that question on a first date. It’s none of my business, if we are continuing to see each other further down the road it is likely all types of questions will be asked. That would be an opportunity to gather more indepth information.

Good Morning: