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What kind of attraction is it?

Sometimes attraction is unexplainable. When it is instant attraction, you know it is physical. But you may have been drawn to someone physically but not intellectually. The strange (and infuriating?) thing about attraction is that it is not always accompanied by chemistry.

You can be attracted to someone, then go out with them, only to find that you have zero chemistry with them. Do you ever wonder why that is? Why are we attracted to the people we are attracted to?

When you connect on more than a physical level, things can go really well. But how often does that happen? When was the last time you were drawn to someone physically, intellectually, and then things developed to an emotional attraction later?

Do you think you can or should change what you are attracted to?

By Wise Diva, Misadventures in Atlanta Dating Blog

284 comments Add your comment

Harder...please.

August 23rd, 2011
8:32 am

I wonder if Wise Diva got her idea for this on Datehookup.com. The same topic is beat to death on that site.

I once felt a very strong, unexplainable attraction to my car.

Mike P

August 23rd, 2011
8:33 am

Do you think you can or should change what you are attracted to? NO
Should you put some thought into who you choose to your mate? YES

Mike P

August 23rd, 2011
8:34 am

who you choose to be your mate? i mean’t

BooDean

August 23rd, 2011
8:41 am

i was attracted because of her kindness, affection, gusto, intellect. We were grits-n-eggs. Found out i was with her rep

Leggs

August 23rd, 2011
8:43 am

Gooooood Moooorning, Vietnam!

“Do you think you can or should change what you are attracted to? NOPE! But I will say this, looks aren’t every thing. Although I don’t want to be on the arms of a butt oooggly man, chemistry, a connection, is most important.

Mike P

August 23rd, 2011
8:49 am

It’s just not my morning lol

Leggs

August 23rd, 2011
8:56 am

@BooDean ~ ain’t it a beyotch when you date the rep!!!

I bring my true self on a date. Poised, respectful, mannerable, silly and often times clumsy.

UGA 1999

August 23rd, 2011
9:01 am

You can be attracted to someone, then go out with them, only to find that you have zero chemistry with them.

Absolutely…..if that were not the case dating and relationships would be easy.

mechi

August 23rd, 2011
9:01 am

“Do you think you can or should change what you are attracted to?” I wouldn’t say totally NO on this..while I feel that whomever you’re attracted too, is just that..I do feel that your “taste” or “attraction” for others may change over time, especially as you mature.

Lady

August 23rd, 2011
9:04 am

Great Topic Wise Diva!

Kitty

August 23rd, 2011
9:05 am

Other than the fact that he makes me purrrrrrrrrrrr… I am attracted to his taste in neck ties.

MsMarriedUp

August 23rd, 2011
9:05 am

Whooaa…now this is a really deep question. I’m not sure I understand how you can connect physically with someone without it being a chemical reaction too. Though one thing about chemistry is IT CHANGES!!! How some may think the person you meet day one is going to be the same person day two, three, four and so on…

I’m going to have to lean with that learning to get to know people on a friendship level first. So that you can bend to their quirks and changing chemistry. On a personal level I just don’t know of anyone who could satisfy me at every level on a scale. The reason why I like having an assortment of friends. That way I’m not missing nothing, or nothing too much.

Leggs

August 23rd, 2011
9:06 am

R.I.P Nick Ashford!!!!

UGA 1999

August 23rd, 2011
9:08 am

Kitty….neck ties???

Lady

August 23rd, 2011
9:11 am

Change starts within and not easy….to even truly admit what your’re attracting and why will open up sectors in one’s life that may need more focus to either alter what is being attracted…….you atrract what you are and laws of attractions is real in my world…….its not about the other person it is about me and what I putting out in the universe……

Button

August 23rd, 2011
9:14 am

I never put too much thought as to why I would be attracted to a certian guy but would have zero chemistry with him. I used to sum it up as we’re just not clicking, but he sure looked good in my eyes. With the current, I can’t say it was attraction that drew me to him, although he’s a handsome man, I’m leaning more on chemistry.

Into the Light

August 23rd, 2011
9:16 am

Good morning, all.

If I weren’t attracted to a man on more than a physical level, then I wouldn’t go out with him. It might be his good looks that start the conversation (i.e. the reason I am not put off by a total stranger approaching me) but if there is no brain to backup the brawn, then ta ta. Dont’ get me wrong, I appreciate a pretty package, but I need a man to be more than a handsome accoutrement….

Amia

August 23rd, 2011
9:16 am

I always tell people that sometime I don’t understand the attraction I have towards some men. If you line up everyone I have dated, they don’t look a like for the most part. Sometimes it’s the face, the body, the way they carry themselves, their personality, the list goes on. I love it that way. I think it allows me to be open minded and not go for the same thing over and over again.

SlimNu

August 23rd, 2011
9:20 am

The rays of the sunrise beats upon my brow & I awake with thoughts of you dancing around my head. The coolness of the morning dew populates chills on my skin reminding me of the gentle touches from you. And the still calmness before the world begins, mimicks the peace to me your love brings

SlimNu

August 23rd, 2011
9:21 am

Oh…and good morning.

O/T: Today was my first run in the morning prior to work so we’ll see how awake I stay throughout the day. All I feel like doing is balling up on the couch with my book and eventually dozing off.

Into the Light

August 23rd, 2011
9:22 am

Slim, that’s beautiful….. Got me a little verklempt first thing this morning…..

Audra

August 23rd, 2011
9:28 am

I don’t think you can change what you’re physically attracted to, and you either are or your aren’t attracted to someone, no middle ground. It may be different for some, but I learned this the hard way. Went out with a guy for a year that I had SO MUCH in common with, and we had a blast together. But there was no attraction on my part. I kept on in the relationship hoping it would grow or that it would just matter less over time, but eventually I realized it wouldn’t and that I was unhappy and resentful. So then we broke up and he was distraught, which was terrible because he was truly a nice man. If I had just realized upfront that attraction, for better or worse, is a necessary part of a relationship (again, for ME), then I would have saved us both a lot of heartache.

That being said, I do think that we can attract/be attracted to the wrong people because of our “baggage.” If we are constantly attracting people who are needy, emotionally unavailable, or not good to us and for us, then we might need to look inside. I agree with Lady’s comment on that one.

Audra

August 23rd, 2011
9:30 am

I want to clarify too: looks of course aren’t all that matter. If he’s hot but weird, creepy, not so bright or whatever, then that’s a no go anyway!

SlimNu

August 23rd, 2011
9:31 am

ITL – Well, I’m even more taken aback by your use of ‘verklempt’…great word!! I think I will attempt to use it before the day is over ;-)

Into the Light

August 23rd, 2011
9:49 am

LOL@Slim. I’m channeling my inner-Mike Meyers/Linda Richmond. :)

SlimNu

August 23rd, 2011
10:00 am

lol So where is everybody?

Randyt (aka, BEEN THERE, DONE THAT, HAVE A CLOSET FULL OF T-SHIRTS)

August 23rd, 2011
10:01 am

Why did the blog nazi eat my post? It was harmless.

SlimNu

August 23rd, 2011
10:09 am

Randy – the BN must be mighty hungry because it’s mightly quiet in here for this time of morning. Maybe I should show a little leg to get this place jumping a little bit….wait, I have chicken legs, so i might need to enlist some help from Leggs lol

Randyt (aka, BEEN THERE, DONE THAT, HAVE A CLOSET FULL OF T-SHIRTS)

August 23rd, 2011
10:11 am

Okay, let me try this again. re: “When was the last time you were drawn to someone physically, intellectually, and then things developed to an emotional attraction later?”

Almost two months into my current relationship. From the first meeting in the parking lot at California Dreaming there was a Heat Index off the scale for both of us. Sometimes chemistry just happens for both almost like an electric current. As it turned out, we also had many things in common, including the same alma matter and had actually lived within three miles of each other for years. Although I had never met her (which is probably good because I was marreid), I knew of her family from a business standpoint. We connected intellectually almost immediately. We both have an over abundance of biting wittiness so we are laughing our azzes off constantly. Physical just keeps getting better somehow. All good.

Emotion followed quickly, but tempered with caution because both of us have been single for a long time and very self-reliant (and have been burned a few times so neither gives up the trust armor real soon). Looks good as long as neither of us goes “postal”. Craziness does not always appear quickly. lol

UGA 1999

August 23rd, 2011
10:12 am

Quiet day…..

Randyt (aka, BEEN THERE, DONE THAT, HAVE A CLOSET FULL OF T-SHIRTS)

August 23rd, 2011
10:13 am

I am reminded again though, that to fall in love, all one needs is a pulse. Still good idea to think eventually when you come up for air.

kimmie

August 23rd, 2011
10:15 am

Morning All!

When was the last time you were drawn to someone physically, intellectually, and then things developed to an emotional attraction later? – That’s usually the way it happens, at least for me. I am drawn to someone physically & intellectually. As we spend time together the emotional attraction builds IF chemistry is there.

Do you think you can or should change what you are attracted to? – Well you like what you like. If you are able to meet with someone that has what you like and build a successful relationship with them, why try to change that? But if what you like is not working out or you find yourself in a box, then it might be worth looking outside of that box. You’ve always gone for athletic types, but go out on a limb and try the artistic cutie. And just because you end up marrying that artist does not mean you don’t like athletic anymore. You just added something new and wonderful to your repetoire.

If I had just realized upfront that attraction, for better or worse, is a necessary part of a relationship (again, for ME), then I would have saved us both a lot of heartache.

Audra – Until some people find themselves in a situation like yours, a lot don’t understand this simple fact. They settle and listen to those “give him a chance” voices. Sorry, but nice is not enough. There has to be an attraction there, plain and simple. And it can’t be forced. You cheat both yourself and the other person out of finding the one they want and that wants them.

Randyt (aka, BEEN THERE, DONE THAT, HAVE A CLOSET FULL OF T-SHIRTS)

August 23rd, 2011
10:16 am

I’ll be ducking in and out since I have meetings all day and a bunch of analyses to write. However I’ll be watching you guys closely so keep it interesting.

Leggs

August 23rd, 2011
10:18 am

:lol: @SlimNu ~ ok, I’m standing up at my desk…already wearing a semi-mini dress so I’ll just extend my left leg out and to the side.

Leggs

August 23rd, 2011
10:19 am

I’m happy for you RandyT. Glad to hear the sparks are getting brighter!

SlimNu

August 23rd, 2011
10:25 am

Leggs – So we’ll just wait for them to come now…

Slim now chanting with her fingers crossed and eyes closed, “If she shows legs, they will come. If she shows legs, they will come.

Leggs

August 23rd, 2011
10:26 am

@SlimNU ~ it didn’t work. Who has big ta tas here?

SexyCool

August 23rd, 2011
10:26 am

Leggs

August 23rd, 2011
10:27 am

Too funny, SlimNu. Guess my impatience is showing.

SexyCool

August 23rd, 2011
10:27 am

Run Report – same old, same old. If not for TheDude, it would not have happened this morning. I heart that dude!

SexyCool

August 23rd, 2011
10:29 am

What I am attracted to physically did not change. However, I learned to look at a person’s total makeup, inside and outside and found that beauty on the inside is way more important.

So, no, what I was/am attracted to has not changed, but what I value in a partner did…for the better.

Into the Light

August 23rd, 2011
10:30 am

Dang, Leggs….warn a girl next time before you start showing off the gams. You know I’m short, you trying to get me trampled in the stampede??? LOL

oneofeach4me

August 23rd, 2011
10:30 am

What I came to realize is that when you are overcome with physical attraction right off the bat then you could be prone to “overlook” things that would otherwise through up flags. I tend to let the attraction build as I learn and feel the person out to see if it’s actual chemistry or hormones. I don’t want to get physical with a guy just because I get hot and bothered by being in his presence only to form an emotional attachment to someone who is “unavailable”. It’s not easy by any means.. but self preservation never is.

On the other hand if I am not attracted I do not entertain the situation other than as a friendship and I usually tell it upfront in a respectful way.

Leggs

August 23rd, 2011
10:32 am

So, no, what I was/am attracted to has not changed, but what I value in a partner did… DING, DING, DING!

@ITL ~ jump on BF’s back. He’ll keep you safe!

abc

August 23rd, 2011
10:33 am

While one can appreciate aspects of symmetry and ratio as pertains to physical beauty, that doesn’t have anything to do with so-called chemistry. It’s called chemistry because it really is chemical, and has the net physical effect or dopamine release, among other things, that leads one to have a crush, fall in love, etc.

I think if you’re going out with people based on apsects of physical beauty alone, without the chemistry, you’re wasting your time. It seems an elementary topic to me, everyone knows these things already — I think people seek some kind of rationale for pursuit of trophies, even if they’re just dating trophies.

Sassy Me...PYT ;-)

August 23rd, 2011
10:37 am

You can be attracted to someone, then go out with them, only to find that you have zero chemistry with them. Do you ever wonder why that is?

This happened to me once and caught me by surprise…the attraction was electric to the point where I felt nervous to be around him cause at any moment we’re gonna attack each other like animals. The first time we went out I realized that we didn’t have much in common besides the intense attraction…we were on opposite ends of the spectrum on lots of things especially our personalities. He’s rather reserved(borderline boring…real borderline) and I’m not and after a while he started acting like a wet blanket. He thought everything was great but I didn’t share that sentiment..

Sassy Me...PYT ;-)

August 23rd, 2011
10:37 am

didn’t mean to bold the whole thing :oops:

Into the Light

August 23rd, 2011
10:42 am

@ITL ~ jump on BF’s back. He’ll keep you safe!

I can’t…he’s cooking breakfast! I’ll just go hide in the bathroom until the melee is over…. :)

kimmie

August 23rd, 2011
10:45 am

I think if you’re going out with people based on apsects of physical beauty alone, without the chemistry, you’re wasting your time.

abc – I agree, but how many people are really doing that, beyond a few dates anyway? Sure, the outside is what initially attracts most, especially the younger we are. It still ends up boiling down to personality, chemistry, common interests and values, how the 2 of you get along. That’s the stuff we end up blogging about every day, not how folks look.

SlimNu

August 23rd, 2011
10:47 am

Leggs – Sorry, I can’t help in the big Ta Ta’s department either….now got me wondering what the hell my weapon could be. Nice toes maybe? :???: :-(