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Breaking up? That’s no way to say goodbye

Despite it being a seriously bad idea, a lot of people take the cowardly way out of a relationship. I mean, it’s not a fun thing to break up, obviously, but there is a proper way to do it. So what is the right way and wrong way to dump someone?

The wrong way could include: intentional jerk behavior, seeing other people, or purposely making them miserable until they are not only ready to break up, they want to smash your face.

How do you end things with someone you are dating? What if it is a brand new relationship that you know won’t last?

What is the best, um ideal..ok, the least offensive way to end things?

By Wise Diva, Misadventures in Atlanta Dating Blog

301 comments Add your comment

Mike

August 22nd, 2011
6:48 am

First.

Of my three exes, I’ve had both the ideal and the less-than-ideal breakups. In the ideal situation, she broke up with me as we were walking back together from practice. In the less-than-ideal…I found out about it when she changed her Facebook status to single, but didn’t tell me why until I got a letter on Thursday from her. Timing was the big thing there.

Steve

August 22nd, 2011
7:24 am

Here’s a crazy idea: just be honest. Say something like, “I’ve had a nice time with you, but I don’t feel that things are going to work out long-term. So it’s best for both of us to move on.” That doesn’t mean feelings won’t be hurt; but you’ll know you have nothing to be ashamed of.

Single in the City

August 22nd, 2011
7:48 am

@Steve – being honest a noble gesture, but be just that honest – don’t just say that things aren’t going to work out long term – women want to know why and what could she have done better. Tell her why things aren’t going to work out – it may sting a bit more in the beginning, but most woman would appreciate your honesty and respect you as a person for doing so.

rxdawg79

August 22nd, 2011
8:16 am

My best break-up: My girlfriend told me over dinner that it was over and why. No gaming, no leaving me to wonder why.

The worst: My girlfriend shaking me awake at 2 a.m. to tell me that we should see other people.

Alley Cat

August 22nd, 2011
8:50 am

Best way for a sure fire breakup…”I had sex with your sister/best friend/mother last weekend and we have a another date this coming weekend.”

I’d say that would be all it would take….

Button

August 22nd, 2011
8:51 am

I’m all for closure but, I’m not up for being friends after a break up. The same way you went about asking me out should be the same way you should go about saying it’s not going to work out. I don’t like all the foolish tactics most men do to say it’s over. Yeah actions speaks louder than words but in cases such as breaking up—-speak up!

Some men don’t like to say it’s over for the fact of being able to come back and get some goodies :lol:

Dave

August 22nd, 2011
8:52 am

Well, first you have to determine if she’s a crier, meladramtic, angry, violent, suicidal or homocidal and preceed from there. Always be mindful of the emergency escape route….

Leggs

August 22nd, 2011
8:55 am

Good morning, good morning!

So what is the right way and wrong way to dump someone? The right way is in person. The wrong way is through text, email, or phone call. I realize many want to avoid a face to face confrontation, but a mature person would do this face to face and hopefully part without too many hurt feelings and all bones in tact on their person.

@Dave ~ I definitely agree. You have to know the person you’re dealing with.

Dave

August 22nd, 2011
8:56 am

I’ve seen Buttons posting and it seems that this is one angry, angry, ANGRY woman. Relax….the best of us have been both the dumper and dumpee and not all of them have been adult-like. Just dust yourself off and move forward. Holding on to all that anger and resentment just makes you more unattractive to the next potential suitor….JMO

Button

August 22nd, 2011
9:09 am

My my Dave! how do you read anger in my comments? I’m not angry or bitter nor jaded or cynical. Maybe it’s you not me – internal.

Button

August 22nd, 2011
9:11 am

There are many reasons to break it off with a person, one being if the person is an abuser, I’m talking about physical abuse, when breaking it off with an abuser you should always take precautions.

Mr_NYC

August 22nd, 2011
9:26 am

Good morning all.
Face to face is best, however, the other person’s temperament should be weighed in. It is a situation where emotions could dominate reactions.
I’ve been on both sides and there really is no “winning” way to do it.
After a period of time, perhaps cooler heads prevail and things can be semi-normal. OR NOT

SlimNu

August 22nd, 2011
9:39 am

1st Good morning,

What about folks who clearly are beginning to be interested in someone else but don’t want to let the currently situation go until they have confirmation of the new new…Don’t want to leap off the one lily pad before jumping to the next. Then their habits begin to change causing some weirdness in the current relationship whether it be being less affectionate to their partner, getting easily annoyed, losing interest in doing anything with them.

MsMarriedUp

August 22nd, 2011
9:42 am

I’ve seen it go bad either way… since the plain truth is when you have to ‘dump’ someone, it’s usually someone who doesn’t want to be dumped, otherwise it would have been easy.

Try to be upfront and decent and the ‘other’ still might fly off the handle. And of course, lo and behold you get scared, which some do, and try all kinds of goofy stuff to sneak out of the situation…and whaala, another recipe for disaster.

I’d say be as up front about things as possible, which if possible, if you see stuff backsliding *during* the relationship, then is the time to say things that might clue the person in that you’re thinking about skipping out on the relationship! ***Doing this should be your EARLY hint about how he/she is going to take things when you do decide to skip, and of course then be your clue-in about how you should handle the skipping out message***

SlimNu

August 22nd, 2011
9:47 am

I prefer face to face…

Leggs

August 22nd, 2011
9:48 am

It is comical when a grown a.. man sabatoges the relationship so she can break up with him. He doesn’t care who takes credit for the break up, just as long as the break up happens.

MsMarriedUp

August 22nd, 2011
9:52 am

& gosh…ya’ll keyboards must be on some kind of uppers. I have to face the fact, I am way too slow for this…probably by the time I finish this sentence ya’ll be making dinner plans.

Anywho…Slim…People do it a lot, staying in a deadend relationship holding out til something better comes along, which I would advise even then to let the other almost half know this is what you’re doing. I know it sounds like whaaaaddt the!?! But I like a good night sleep, so even in that case I’d be upfront.

Funny thing is…sometimes people just don’t believe you!!!

Blackfoote: The Real Blackfoote

August 22nd, 2011
9:54 am

A face to face honest conversation is best for me, if I’m recieving the silent cold treatment I let it go from there or try later. I try to leave on good on terms but that sometimes isn’t an option.

Good Morning:

Randyt (aka, BEEN THERE, DONE THAT, HAVE A CLOSET FULL OF T-SHIRTS)

August 22nd, 2011
9:56 am

As a lady told me many years ago, “if it is not right for one, it is not right for either”. Very true statement. Being kicked to the curb in a long term relationship always calls for pain and that feeling of rejection that hurts so badly. No good way to break up, just a choice of bad ones. The fact is that by the time the one being rejected finds out, the other has already gone through the grieving process and moved on.

Last week I happened upon a used cd from season 3 of American Idol featuring the best “soul” moments of the season. One of the songs was the old classic “Neither One of Us Wants to be the First to Say Goodbye”. One of the all time classic songs and she knocked the bottom out of it. That is why I always try to make the cut early before the damage is going to run too deep.

SexyCool

August 22nd, 2011
9:56 am

SexyCool

August 22nd, 2011
9:57 am

Morning Run Report – Me, TheDude, TheDog – 2.25miles – 32minutes. Easy-peasy.

SexyCool

August 22nd, 2011
9:58 am

It took me getting to a certain level of maturity to be able to have a conversation with a person to break it off. It is not an easy conversation to have.

Randyt (aka, BEEN THERE, DONE THAT, HAVE A CLOSET FULL OF T-SHIRTS)

August 22nd, 2011
10:03 am

@ leggs re: “It is comical when a grown a.. man sabatoges the relationship so she can break up with him. He doesn’t care who takes credit for the break up, just as long as the break up happens.”

Now Leggs, It is much simpler to let the lady think that it is her idea. That way she doesn’t do a “Lorraina Bobbitt” on you. ;-)

Exiled!

August 22nd, 2011
10:05 am

Good morning!

No need for anybody to do elaborate plans to announce a break up. You are not in a marriage!

And then factor in the folks who get extra temperamental,you don’t want none of that nonsense.

The best way is to ease her out slowly,don’t promptly return her calls,decline invitations to go out together,tell her u busy to hang out etc.

Let her figure it out herself. She grown.

And remember,a man must always retain his power and strike options,so don’t be explicit when u taking a parting shot.

You may want to hit it a time or two when ur pipeline ain’t so rich!

Have a nice day!

Button

August 22nd, 2011
10:06 am

it took me a week to have “the talk” with my ex. I must have reheased my lines over a thousand times of what I was going to say and thought I had it down pack but when the time came to say those words, it’s over, I couldn’t, so I stayed and eventually we did break things off. Funny how I felt sadden by breaking up with someone I no longer had any interest in.

Mr_NYC

August 22nd, 2011
10:11 am

@Randyt, if she’s capable of doing a Bobbitt I should say she is not a candidate for a face to face convo.

Randyt (aka, BEEN THERE, DONE THAT, HAVE A CLOSET FULL OF T-SHIRTS)

August 22nd, 2011
10:13 am

@ Mr NYC

Right!!!

SlimNu

August 22nd, 2011
10:13 am

SC – I did 6 miles total for the weekend…3 Saturday morning, 3 Sunday morn…mixed in walking & running.

This topic has the perfect song:

If Your Heart Isn’t In It lyrics
It’s a fragile situation
It could fall apart at any time
And none would be the wiser
Except you and I

It seems that we stopped talkin’
Like we’re afraid to disagree
And after all we’ve been through
Can we still be that naive?

If your heart isn’t in it
Why can’t you tell me so?
If my heart wasn’t in it
I’d have gone long ago
If your heart isn’t in it
Why keep me hangin’ on?
Just tell me and I’ll be gone
From your life

You treat me like a stranger
As if I wasn’t there
Oh baby, I waited for a miracle
To make you show that you care

If your heart
Ooh, can’t you tell me so?
I have to know
If your heart isn’t it
Why keep me hangin’ on?
Just tell me and I’ll be gone
Don’t keep me hangin’ on
For dear life

UGA 1999

August 22nd, 2011
10:14 am

If shes capable of doing bobbitt i should say she is not capable of being in society!

Leggs

August 22nd, 2011
10:15 am

“if she’s capable of doing a Bobbitt I should say she is not a candidate for a face to face convo.”

True, true, TRUE!

@RandyT~ no doubt.

SexyCool

August 22nd, 2011
10:16 am

SlimGoody – WTG!!!

You should have come out with the Black Girls Run Atlanta group. The group has a standing Saturday morning run. Although, depending on what side of town you live on, Black Girls Run South Atlanta may be a more convenient group for you. Either way, you can find both groups on FB.

SexyCool

August 22nd, 2011
10:18 am

Also, I would add that depending on the depth of the relationship, a phone call may suffice. But a text message or email, weak.

And I don’t care what you say, a relationship that has some time and history and deeper emotions built into doesn’t end with just one conversation. That ish is a process.

Randyt (aka, BEEN THERE, DONE THAT, HAVE A CLOSET FULL OF T-SHIRTS)

August 22nd, 2011
10:19 am

Lyrics to Gladys Knight’s “Neither One Of Us” …very fitting today.

“It’s sad to think, we’re not gonna make it
And it’s gotten to the point where we just can’t fake it (Ooo)
For some unGodly reason we just won’t let it die (let it die)
I guess neither one of us (neither one of us)
Wants to be the first to say good bye
I keep on wondering (wondering)
What I’m gonna do with out ya (do without you)
And I guess you must be wondering that same thing too (Ooo)
So we go on go on together living a lie (living a lie)
Because neither one of us (neither one of us)
Wants to be the first to say good bye
Oooooh ev’rytime I find the nerve
Everytime I find the nerve to say I’m leavin’ (leavin’)
Oh, memories, those old memories get in my way (my way my way)
Oh (Ooo) Lord knows it’s only me only knows it’s only me
That I’m deceiving
When it comes to saying good bye
That’s a simple word that I just cannot say
There can be no way (be no way)
This can have a happy ending (happy ending)
So we just go on (we go on) hurting and pretending
And convincing ourselves to give it just one more try (one more try)
Because neither one of us (Neither one of us)
Wants to be the first to say it
Neither one of us (neither one of us) Wants to be the first to say
Neither one of us (Neither one of us) wants to be the first to say
Fairwell my love, goodbye (goodbye)”

Robert

August 22nd, 2011
10:21 am

Why breakup? Most of my friends are “lifers” which means “friends with benefits” in today’s world and we respect each other. Mature adults seek the comfort of familiar surroundings and can appreciate the finer things in life. It takes too much effort to start new relationships.

UGA 1999

August 22nd, 2011
10:21 am

Hey SexyCool….when is the white girls run atlanta group going to occur?

SlimNu

August 22nd, 2011
10:21 am

SC – I live in Covington/Conyers but sometimes i’m off Camp Creek. Where does the group normally meet up? I’ll check FB after work since it’s blocked here.

SlimNu

August 22nd, 2011
10:22 am

Randyt – Yes, two great songs appropriate for the topic ;-)

SlimNu

August 22nd, 2011
10:25 am

UGA – You just couldn’t resist huh?

Randyt (aka, BEEN THERE, DONE THAT, HAVE A CLOSET FULL OF T-SHIRTS)

August 22nd, 2011
10:26 am

@ Robert re: old relationships with “friends with benefits”

I could never do this, even though the offer has been out there more than once for me. If a relationship, for me at least, had an emotional component for one or the other, personally I could not handle it. One time I admit it was tempting, the chemistry was as strong as ever, and the “new looks from an old lover” was really tempting, but… In my experience, there is no such thing as “free sex”…it all has a price tag, whether physical, emotional, or financial…and a price I was never willing to pay.

That said, more power to others who can.

UGA 1999

August 22nd, 2011
10:26 am

Slim….I am just wondering.

Exiled!

August 22nd, 2011
10:26 am

If one party to the relationship is initiating a break up,there is no depth there to speak of!

The depth slowly shallowed up as time went on.

But some females will want to be coddled up,even in a break up. They want u to explain why,etc.

Why?

These chics are the extra temperamental ones,most times.

Be careful,u might find urself with a flat or worse.

SexyCool

August 22nd, 2011
10:28 am

I was waiting on someone to ask that question and I’m actually not surprised that it was you. I can not only provide you with information on BGR, I can also give you information on NAACP, Rainbow PUSH Coalition, SCLC, 100 Black Women and a few others. Let me know if you would be interested in any of that information.

However, I did google running groups for you and found this – http://www.rungeorgia.com/clubs.html#atlanta – I’m sure that depending on the location of some of these groups, there will be plenty of white women in attendance. Enjoy!

Slim – about 30 – 40 ladies meet at Camp Creek on Thursday evenings. I think it’s at 645p. There are usually 2, 3 and 4 mile routes.

Lovely Brown

August 22nd, 2011
10:32 am

Good Morning All! :-)

I admit that I have been the one that did not break up correctly or end things on a good note. I have also been the one on the receiving end. I think it has a lot to do with how you viewed the relationship in the first place as to how you end it. For example, if it was just a fling to you, that’s how you will end it.

SlimNu- That is one of my favorite songs ever! I have cried in my Vodka to that song maybe once or twice…… :lol:

UGA 1999

August 22nd, 2011
10:32 am

SexyCool……Do any of those running groups use the words “white women or men”? Didnt think so….such hypocrisy. I wouldnt have expected less.

abc

August 22nd, 2011
10:33 am

It’s tough to be dumped. It’s not that tough to dump somebody else. A person that doesn’t just say “we’re through” and stick with it is a weenie, male of female. It should actually make it a bit easier for the dumpee to realize that the person they lost was such a weenie.

I’ve been dumped enough times, but I can honestly say that of the ones I’m aware of, they (should) realize they were way better off with me, and they should realize that I think I’m way better off without them. The best revenge is living well.

SexyCool

August 22nd, 2011
10:33 am

UGA – I have responded enough to your race baiting for the day. Just stop it.

Blackfoote: The Real Blackfoote

August 22nd, 2011
10:34 am

Slim1 and RandyT those songs are perfect, y’all in a singing mood let’s bring the karaoke mic out. A Bobbit break up will put the manhood in jeopardy, it would be wise to just phone those types.

UGA 1999

August 22nd, 2011
10:35 am

SexyCool……race baiting? Didnt you bring up “Black Womens Race”? Who is race baiting? I just asked a question.

Lovely Brown

August 22nd, 2011
10:38 am

there is no such thing as “free sex”…it all has a price tag, whether physical, emotional, or financial…- Randyt

I agree with this!

SlimNu

August 22nd, 2011
10:39 am

SC – Oh wow, Camp Creek…that might be right up my alley if i’m out that way on a Thursday evening. Thanks for the heads up ;-)

LB – I never really got into Atlantic Starr back in the day, nor really paid attention to the lyrics but as I got older, I was like damn, ain’t dat song the truth. lol You can tell when someone starts to ‘check out’ of a relationship, especially by the person who is still In it